Omni-Vegan Relationship - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 03-31-2016, 09:39 AM
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Question Omni-Vegan Relationship

So me and my boyfriend are going through the works right now, I read somewhere on here that being with an Omni is a minefield of issues....THIS is completely true! We have been in numerous HUGE fights over being vegan/animal rights.


Ive been vegan since late last year and my boyfriend at first seemed supportive, he would sign any petitions I sent him regarding animal rights, went to about 2 or 3 vegan restaurants with me. Even cut out "red-meat" but now argues against it. Wants to eat what he wants and doesn't want me talking to him about veganism because it makes him feel bad. Does not want to sign anymore petitions because it makes him feel bad. If I tell him Im having issues with anyone about me being vegan, he always assumes I said something to them first to provoke them, rather than being there for me.
He has a problem with the fact that I will not buy any products derived from animals for him (example: buying him freaking cookies....) and he has a problem with me not ever cooking him a meal that isn't vegan (example: breakfast or even something like hot chocolate w/ milk).


I'm also not big on family gatherings and he is very much about family, I have to be around his meat-eating family often in order for this to work...I'm so-so about this, still feel disgusted sometimes, though I know I have to work on it. (don't want to be a closet vegan)


ALSO, Im finding it harder to be sexually attracted to him as I was before...(though he is also putting on some weight).


Not sure how to approach this situation anymore, its fairly making me unhappy.
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#2 Old 03-31-2016, 11:30 AM
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A little compromise goes a long way, especially with omni/veg relationships. If not signing a petition makes you angry, there are likely larger personality conflicts between you two.

How long have you known him? Have you known him longer than when you started your vegan lifestyle a few months ago? He may still be getting used to your new diet and lifestyle.

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Originally Posted by samrey91 View Post
ALSO, Im finding it harder to be sexually attracted to him as I was before...(though he is also putting on some weight).
So... if he gains weight, you won't be attracted to him anymore? Ouch. What if he said the same about you?
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#3 Old 03-31-2016, 12:28 PM
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Hi samrey 91,


Based on your name, can I assume you are about 25 years old? It's very common for young people to experience an idealistic surge (many people become vegetarian in their 20s), and it can be rough if you're in a relationship when it happens.


Please don't take this the wrong way, but you are still very young. You and your boyfriend are still making fundamental changes and decisions about your own lives. Maybe the two of you are not meant to be(?). I didn't meet the right person for me until I was substantially older.
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Specific recommendations for a healthy diet include: eating more fruit, vegetables, legumes, nuts and grains; cutting down on salt, sugar and fats. It is also advisable to choose unsaturated fats, instead of saturated fats and towards the elimination of trans-fatty acids."
- United Nations' World Health Organization
http://www.who.int/topics/diet/en/
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#4 Old 03-31-2016, 12:34 PM
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Your boyfriend should feel bad for not being a vegan.
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#5 Old 03-31-2016, 12:50 PM
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Originally Posted by Necter View Post
Your boyfriend should feel bad for not being a vegan.


Necter, shut up.
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_________

Specific recommendations for a healthy diet include: eating more fruit, vegetables, legumes, nuts and grains; cutting down on salt, sugar and fats. It is also advisable to choose unsaturated fats, instead of saturated fats and towards the elimination of trans-fatty acids."
- United Nations' World Health Organization
http://www.who.int/topics/diet/en/

Last edited by silva; 03-31-2016 at 04:18 PM. Reason: censored already censored word
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#6 Old 03-31-2016, 01:11 PM
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Originally Posted by David3 View Post
Necter, shut the f*ck up.
wow did I touch a nerve or what... just be grateful we never meet in person.

and I will express myself freely for as long as I like.

Last edited by silva; 03-31-2016 at 04:27 PM. Reason: personal attack
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#7 Old 03-31-2016, 03:34 PM
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Is it possible that he started out being very supportive of your views only to have you slowly become unsupportive of his own? I ask because unfortunately, this is a common theme in any relationship that has conflicting belief systems. I've noticed, while not always, it's often the vegan that tends to lecture. I know this is something I've been guilty of in the past. Requesting he sign petitions and getting angry when he doesn't, that does tend to boarder on aggressive behavior.

It's interesting that he expressed (I assume vocally) feelings of guilt. I think for me I'm questioning whether he feels guilty based on your judgment or the animals benefit. If he feels that you see him as a bad person, careless person, or evil in some way, of course he'd feel guilt. If that's the case then that is a red flag issue to be discussed immediately. However, if he is feeling guilt about his actions towards animals, it's entirely possible that he might warm up later on towards the views of veganism even more as long as he doesn't feel restricted from exploring around. Encouragement is key and so much healthier for the mind than anger.

Examples of rules I my partner and I have in place:
Spoiler
When he wants to buy something that isn't vegan, I let him.
Nagging him, berating him, scoffing at him, or starting a lecture does more negative than positive. As a result he tries to buy foods that are close to expiration date so he can freeze them. This assures me that at the very least an animals death wasn't thrown in the trash which is something that I personally feel very sad about (sometimes more than the death itself).

When he picks something up from the store, he does label checks, always.
In the beginning, did he complain about it? Maybe a little. I think I made a joke once to just to make him feel like it was less a chore about how he'd still have to do it if I were actually allergic to milk and fish. I said this after he brought home garlic paste that had milk in it, of all things. To which if I'd been allergic it really would've been an big issue. After that he didn't complain. Now days, more often than not, he gets quite excited when he finds something new for me to try that's vegan. It helps to look at it as a game for him "Spot the vegan food!" (Which is how we ended up spending about 50 dollars on infinite curry packets. =P)

When I shop, he doesn't ask me to pick up meat but I will buy vegetarian items.
We as a rule, go to grocery stores together, always. In fact I've only ever gone once by myself. This insures that he can buy what he wants, I can buy what I want, and there doesn't have to be the whole buying non-vegan food and the compromise of ethics argument. But to explain more clearly, I do live a short walk from a local market in my area. It has a butcher which I used to frequent often and who are actually really nice people to talk to. He's doesn't ask me to buy meat for him, thankfully.

I don't cook non-vegan for him, but I will help him cook non-vegan recipes.
This is something that I do waver on occasionally, but generally it is the rule. I have made him tuna salad for him when running late to work. He knows that I don't really like having any part in the preparation of meat now that I boycott it. Because of this he does not request that I make meat dishes for him. But he's a big boy. If I weren't living with him he'd be a bachelor, cooking his own food, likely non-vegan, and likely double the animal products that he now consumes. He can cook his meal and I try not to comment. And when he does have a question about how to cook his foods I'm always very vocal about where he can find a good recipe, how long his chicken needs to be cooked in the oven, or how to make a cheese sauce.

While these are only a few, they are still things that we have discussed and feel are important to maintain a healthy relationship.

I think for any relationship to work there has to be boundaries, empathy, communication, and compromise. This means on both sides. It's unrealistic to expect him to jump on board with you regarding your views all at one time and there has to be a certain understanding that you can't force him (or anyone) to feel the way you do about veganism. Just as it is disrespectful of him to expect you to give up your values on his behalf. This is one of those things where you have to ask just how lenient you can be towards the other person's lifestyle and him towards you. Things that I tolerate might break up someone else's relationship completely, and I'm not suggesting you follow my rules either because every relationship is completely unique. I think this is why it's extremely important to talk to your partner.

You want a relationship not a dictatorship.

Add on: And as far as the attraction you do or don't feel towards him that may change over time for better or worse. It's a little unattractive to kiss my boyfriend after he has eaten a steak, but I also rationalize with the fact that I ate copious amounts of meat until a few years ago. Nothing other than my thinking has actually changed. On the other spectrum, it's extremely attractive when he says something like, "I don't think I'll buy tuna anymore since I know you don't like it."

(This is why we also have the 'good hygiene' rule. We brush our teeth in advance to assure that sexy time is, in fact, a sexy time.)
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#8 Old 03-31-2016, 06:43 PM
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I'm going to play devil's advocate here...

I disagree with him getting mad because you don't want to cook a non-vegan meal or buy him non-vegan products (why can't he do those things himself?), but seems to me that the biggest problem here is that you are mad because he doesn't want to go vegan.
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#9 Old 04-01-2016, 03:11 AM
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Originally Posted by BlackBoxed View Post
I think for any relationship to work there has to be boundaries, empathy, communication, and compromise. This means on both sides.
Wow this is a big topic and it's very brave of you to open up and share. I think BlackBoxed has it right, if you both truly want it to work then a honest, open conversation about how you feel and what you would be willing to comprise on is the way to go forward. A lot of advice i've heard is to not use words that blame the other person, don't say "you make me feel" its "i feel". For example "I feel upset and it's hard for me to buy or handle animal products". If you two don't talk it through and try compromise it will end anyway and you are already on the path to breaking up because you said you are unhappy.

Be true to yourself and your beliefs. Hope things get better soon.
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#10 Old 04-05-2016, 04:44 PM
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My husband was vegetarian when I met him and I was not, but was interested. For awhile, we had an unofficial 'don't ask, don't tell' sort of understanding where I ate vegetarian foods around him, and if I ate something non-vegetarian when I wasn't with him, I kept it private. I think that in any relationship, some amount of compromise is needed, even on issues that one considers important. Otherwise, it is not a relationship, it is one person bossing around another.

And I think we all have different personality types too. For example, I am a researcher and like to really study an issue. I am pregnant right now and have already read three books. He is more laid back. He does not want to read books. He trusts the doctor to tell him anything he needs to know. It would not be fair to expect him to read books the way I do because that is not him.

My point is, I think it is fair and realistic to say you do not wish to buy or prepare meat.mbut if he then wants to take initiative and do it himself, I don't think you can stop him. And I think that expecting him to sign petitions and so on is not really reasonable.
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#11 Old 04-05-2016, 05:00 PM
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OP's post wasn't just about being veg'n, it was about two people growing apart. Not just diet or advocacy, but family dynamics, and sexual attraction.
Also, HUGE fights over vegan/animal rights
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#12 Old 04-05-2016, 06:07 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackBoxed View Post
Is it possible that he started out being very supportive of your views only to have you slowly become unsupportive of his own? I ask because unfortunately, this is a common theme in any relationship that has conflicting belief systems. I've noticed, while not always, it's often the vegan that tends to lecture. I know this is something I've been guilty of in the past. Requesting he sign petitions and getting angry when he doesn't, that does tend to boarder on aggressive behavior.

It's interesting that he expressed (I assume vocally) feelings of guilt. I think for me I'm questioning whether he feels guilty based on your judgment or the animals benefit. If he feels that you see him as a bad person, careless person, or evil in some way, of course he'd feel guilt. If that's the case then that is a red flag issue to be discussed immediately. However, if he is feeling guilt about his actions towards animals, it's entirely possible that he might warm up later on towards the views of veganism even more as long as he doesn't feel restricted from exploring around. Encouragement is key and so much healthier for the mind than anger.

Examples of rules I my partner and I have in place:
Spoiler
When he wants to buy something that isn't vegan, I let him.
Nagging him, berating him, scoffing at him, or starting a lecture does more negative than positive. As a result he tries to buy foods that are close to expiration date so he can freeze them. This assures me that at the very least an animals death wasn't thrown in the trash which is something that I personally feel very sad about (sometimes more than the death itself).

When he picks something up from the store, he does label checks, always.
In the beginning, did he complain about it? Maybe a little. I think I made a joke once to just to make him feel like it was less a chore about how he'd still have to do it if I were actually allergic to milk and fish. I said this after he brought home garlic paste that had milk in it, of all things. To which if I'd been allergic it really would've been an big issue. After that he didn't complain. Now days, more often than not, he gets quite excited when he finds something new for me to try that's vegan. It helps to look at it as a game for him "Spot the vegan food!" (Which is how we ended up spending about 50 dollars on infinite curry packets. =P)

When I shop, he doesn't ask me to pick up meat but I will buy vegetarian items.
We as a rule, go to grocery stores together, always. In fact I've only ever gone once by myself. This insures that he can buy what he wants, I can buy what I want, and there doesn't have to be the whole buying non-vegan food and the compromise of ethics argument. But to explain more clearly, I do live a short walk from a local market in my area. It has a butcher which I used to frequent often and who are actually really nice people to talk to. He's doesn't ask me to buy meat for him, thankfully.

I don't cook non-vegan for him, but I will help him cook non-vegan recipes.
This is something that I do waver on occasionally, but generally it is the rule. I have made him tuna salad for him when running late to work. He knows that I don't really like having any part in the preparation of meat now that I boycott it. Because of this he does not request that I make meat dishes for him. But he's a big boy. If I weren't living with him he'd be a bachelor, cooking his own food, likely non-vegan, and likely double the animal products that he now consumes. He can cook his meal and I try not to comment. And when he does have a question about how to cook his foods I'm always very vocal about where he can find a good recipe, how long his chicken needs to be cooked in the oven, or how to make a cheese sauce.

While these are only a few, they are still things that we have discussed and feel are important to maintain a healthy relationship.

I think for any relationship to work there has to be boundaries, empathy, communication, and compromise. This means on both sides. It's unrealistic to expect him to jump on board with you regarding your views all at one time and there has to be a certain understanding that you can't force him (or anyone) to feel the way you do about veganism. Just as it is disrespectful of him to expect you to give up your values on his behalf. This is one of those things where you have to ask just how lenient you can be towards the other person's lifestyle and him towards you. Things that I tolerate might break up someone else's relationship completely, and I'm not suggesting you follow my rules either because every relationship is completely unique. I think this is why it's extremely important to talk to your partner.

You want a relationship not a dictatorship.

Add on: And as far as the attraction you do or don't feel towards him that may change over time for better or worse. It's a little unattractive to kiss my boyfriend after he has eaten a steak, but I also rationalize with the fact that I ate copious amounts of meat until a few years ago. Nothing other than my thinking has actually changed. On the other spectrum, it's extremely attractive when he says something like, "I don't think I'll buy tuna anymore since I know you don't like it."

(This is why we also have the 'good hygiene' rule. We brush our teeth in advance to assure that sexy time is, in fact, a sexy time.)
LOTS of good advice here.

But I also wanted to tell you that your relationship with your S/O sounds adorable, BlackBoxed.
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#13 Old 04-06-2016, 09:13 AM
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But I also wanted to tell you that your relationship with your S/O sounds adorable, BlackBoxed.
Haha thanks
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#14 Old 03-31-2017, 07:51 AM
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Originally Posted by TailFin View Post
A little compromise goes a long way, especially with omni/veg relationships. If not signing a petition makes you angry, there are likely larger personality conflicts between you two.

How long have you known him? Have you known him longer than when you started your vegan lifestyle a few months ago? He may still be getting used to your new diet and lifestyle.



So... if he gains weight, you won't be attracted to him anymore? Ouch. What if he said the same about you?
I said also he is gaining weight....the first reason would be trust issues and going vegan, I feel less attracted to him because of values and trust issues more over him gaining weight. But I dont see anything wrong with that being a reason, as everyone has a preference on whom they are attracted to. I love him and we are working on all of the above, including losing weight together
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#15 Old 03-31-2017, 07:57 AM
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Originally Posted by David3 View Post
Hi samrey 91,


Based on your name, can I assume you are about 25 years old? It's very common for young people to experience an idealistic surge (many people become vegetarian in their 20s), and it can be rough if you're in a relationship when it happens.


Please don't take this the wrong way, but you are still very young. You and your boyfriend are still making fundamental changes and decisions about your own lives. Maybe the two of you are not meant to be(?). I didn't meet the right person for me until I was substantially older.
Thank you David3, Youre right, I am still making changes in my life and me and my boyfriend still have some growing to do. Im not sure if we are meant to be, but we are still together and working on things.

An update on the situation, he still doesnt eat redmeat which is good, he goes to vegan restaurants with me sometimes more so when baked goods are involved loll. I dont bother him about petitions anymore, i dont speak to him about veganism anymore and if i make food for him its usually grans and vegetables related, he doesnt bother me about buying non-vegan products anymore. So we are doing alot better though of course I do hope he goes vegan one day still, (i never push it on him). We now have other issues involving trust though. But im really happy that we worked through these issues.
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#16 Old 03-31-2017, 08:14 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackBoxed View Post
Is it possible that he started out being very supportive of your views only to have you slowly become unsupportive of his own? I ask because unfortunately, this is a common theme in any relationship that has conflicting belief systems. I've noticed, while not always, it's often the vegan that tends to lecture. I know this is something I've been guilty of in the past. Requesting he sign petitions and getting angry when he doesn't, that does tend to boarder on aggressive behavior.

It's interesting that he expressed (I assume vocally) feelings of guilt. I think for me I'm questioning whether he feels guilty based on your judgment or the animals benefit. If he feels that you see him as a bad person, careless person, or evil in some way, of course he'd feel guilt. If that's the case then that is a red flag issue to be discussed immediately. However, if he is feeling guilt about his actions towards animals, it's entirely possible that he might warm up later on towards the views of veganism even more as long as he doesn't feel restricted from exploring around. Encouragement is key and so much healthier for the mind than anger.

Examples of rules I my partner and I have in place:
Spoiler
When he wants to buy something that isn't vegan, I let him.
Nagging him, berating him, scoffing at him, or starting a lecture does more negative than positive. As a result he tries to buy foods that are close to expiration date so he can freeze them. This assures me that at the very least an animals death wasn't thrown in the trash which is something that I personally feel very sad about (sometimes more than the death itself).

When he picks something up from the store, he does label checks, always.
In the beginning, did he complain about it? Maybe a little. I think I made a joke once to just to make him feel like it was less a chore about how he'd still have to do it if I were actually allergic to milk and fish. I said this after he brought home garlic paste that had milk in it, of all things. To which if I'd been allergic it really would've been an big issue. After that he didn't complain. Now days, more often than not, he gets quite excited when he finds something new for me to try that's vegan. It helps to look at it as a game for him "Spot the vegan food!" (Which is how we ended up spending about 50 dollars on infinite curry packets. =P)

When I shop, he doesn't ask me to pick up meat but I will buy vegetarian items.
We as a rule, go to grocery stores together, always. In fact I've only ever gone once by myself. This insures that he can buy what he wants, I can buy what I want, and there doesn't have to be the whole buying non-vegan food and the compromise of ethics argument. But to explain more clearly, I do live a short walk from a local market in my area. It has a butcher which I used to frequent often and who are actually really nice people to talk to. He's doesn't ask me to buy meat for him, thankfully.

I don't cook non-vegan for him, but I will help him cook non-vegan recipes.
This is something that I do waver on occasionally, but generally it is the rule. I have made him tuna salad for him when running late to work. He knows that I don't really like having any part in the preparation of meat now that I boycott it. Because of this he does not request that I make meat dishes for him. But he's a big boy. If I weren't living with him he'd be a bachelor, cooking his own food, likely non-vegan, and likely double the animal products that he now consumes. He can cook his meal and I try not to comment. And when he does have a question about how to cook his foods I'm always very vocal about where he can find a good recipe, how long his chicken needs to be cooked in the oven, or how to make a cheese sauce.

While these are only a few, they are still things that we have discussed and feel are important to maintain a healthy relationship.

I think for any relationship to work there has to be boundaries, empathy, communication, and compromise. This means on both sides. It's unrealistic to expect him to jump on board with you regarding your views all at one time and there has to be a certain understanding that you can't force him (or anyone) to feel the way you do about veganism. Just as it is disrespectful of him to expect you to give up your values on his behalf. This is one of those things where you have to ask just how lenient you can be towards the other person's lifestyle and him towards you. Things that I tolerate might break up someone else's relationship completely, and I'm not suggesting you follow my rules either because every relationship is completely unique. I think this is why it's extremely important to talk to your partner.

You want a relationship not a dictatorship.

Add on: And as far as the attraction you do or don't feel towards him that may change over time for better or worse. It's a little unattractive to kiss my boyfriend after he has eaten a steak, but I also rationalize with the fact that I ate copious amounts of meat until a few years ago. Nothing other than my thinking has actually changed. On the other spectrum, it's extremely attractive when he says something like, "I don't think I'll buy tuna anymore since I know you don't like it."

(This is why we also have the 'good hygiene' rule. We brush our teeth in advance to assure that sexy time is, in fact, a sexy time.)


Thank you so much for your response! We now actually do almost the same thing you and your boyfriend do, lolll. The only thing different is, I dont make anything for him that isnt vegan and we go shopping together most of the time now, so he buys his stuff and i buy mine. sometimes we'll buy each other stuff when its vegan (he likes some vegan processed foods now, yay!)

So we've gotten alot better with this situation, no complaints about any of those things now, but like I responded to David3 i still hope that he can one day go vegan/vegetarian. But again i definitely do not push this on him.

And we also brush teeth/wash up before sexy time haha. And we usually dont kiss if he has chicken or dairy, or if i have too much garlic (loll) unless its a goodbye kiss in the morning when we leave for work. =]

But as far as attraction goes, we still have some issues. Im not doing my part as much as I can because of recent trust issues with him, but im working on it little by little. And we both are working on losing weight now, (we both gained some since this post)
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#17 Old 03-31-2017, 08:23 AM
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Originally Posted by silva View Post
OP's post wasn't just about being veg'n, it was about two people growing apart. Not just diet or advocacy, but family dynamics, and sexual attraction.
Also, HUGE fights over vegan/animal rights

Thank you for noticing the other issues!

I explained how we have worked on some issues in other responses ^^.

veganism isnt as much an issue, but it might be later on, i plan on getting more involved in activism soon, so we will see lol
I still feel we are growing apart sometimes, we are very different stubborn people. His mom, brother and sister and his aunt have become accommodating and accepting the rest of his family ehhhh but i dont see them too often so thats fine. And I learned to accept it a bit more when I am around them.

Our relationship has gotten better in some ways and in other ways a bit worse, but we are working on things!
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#18 Old 03-31-2017, 11:44 AM
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Originally Posted by samrey91 View Post
Thank you for noticing the other issues!

I explained how we have worked on some issues in other responses ^^.

veganism isnt as much an issue, but it might be later on, i plan on getting more involved in activism soon, so we will see lol
I still feel we are growing apart sometimes, we are very different stubborn people. His mom, brother and sister and his aunt have become accommodating and accepting the rest of his family ehhhh but i dont see them too often so thats fine. And I learned to accept it a bit more when I am around them.

Our relationship has gotten better in some ways and in other ways a bit worse, but we are working on things!

Hi samrey,


I'm glad to hear that the two of you have grown in these ways.


Another thing that the two of you might want to discuss is how will you raise your children (if you decide to become parents). Will he allow you to raise the children vegan? If one of the children has a health problem, will he or his parents blame the vegan diet (either yours during pregnancy, or the child's)? Will they pressure you to allow the child to eat meat (especially if the child is a boy)? If these things happen, you could be facing pressure from his entire family.


I know this sounds negative, but parenthood and children's health can be stressful enough as it is. If your bf will support your vegan diet, it will really make things easier.
.

_________

Specific recommendations for a healthy diet include: eating more fruit, vegetables, legumes, nuts and grains; cutting down on salt, sugar and fats. It is also advisable to choose unsaturated fats, instead of saturated fats and towards the elimination of trans-fatty acids."
- United Nations' World Health Organization
http://www.who.int/topics/diet/en/
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#19 Old 03-31-2017, 12:03 PM
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Do not get pregnant until you have firmly agreed how to raise the children with all family who will want a say, don't get married until you have fixed all relationship issues (and decided if the wedding will be vegan).

I mention this just in case, because it sounds like the relationships is far short of such seriousness anyway.

It sounds like you will probably split up at some point, but too early to say for sure.
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