Should I or Shouldn't I Date a Non-Vegan?! - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 02-24-2016, 05:31 AM
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Should I or Shouldn't I Date a Non-Vegan?!

I'm an 18 year old girl and have been vegan for several years because I'm really passionate about animal welfare and just very compassionate in general. I have also had a crush on this guy for a couple of years who is so kind-hearted and awesome and he shares my devotion to my religion (Christianity) and is overall just a very good guy. He wants to date me, and I also like him so much but I don't know what to say. I have always felt that I really wanted someone who shared my passion for veganism. He does love animals, however, he just isn't a vegan, and it has always been beyond my comprehension why someone can know about the suffering of farm animals and still continue to eat and use them. I know he likes animals and does not wish harm on them, so I just can not understand and never have. I really want the person I end up being with to have a passion for animals like I do, and I know we aren't getting married of course, it's just a date, but I do not plan on dating for fun without the possibility of a serious relationship down the road (and neither does he).
Obviously I know this is a personal choice, but I would love some input. It might help to hear what you guys think, because I just don't know what to do. I am leaning towards going forward with it... Can you guys offer any perspective?
Thank you so much!
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#2 Old 02-24-2016, 06:31 AM
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That is going to have to be a personal decision as you said, there is a thread on here somewhere discussing the feelings vegans/ vegetarians have about dating an omnivore who does not share their views. Some are very strict that they would have no part of it, where as it doesn't seem to bother others in the least, I suppose I fall somewhere in between where I would love to date someone who is atleast a vegetarian, but if the feelings were strong enough, I would be open to giving it a go, but I could definitely see where issues may arise from it. I was in a situation a few months ago, where the lovely girl who cuts my hair and had become friendly with asked me out, which I was obviously flattered by, but I sort of skated the question. she was fairly regularly, lightheartedly mocking me about not eating meat and makes it sort of uncomfortable when I am there as she makes it a thing. nothing malicious and im sure it was all in fun, but for something that is important to me, not being taken as being important to me was enough to put me off of the idea.....plus its hard to find a good barber!


found it; https://www.veggieboards.com/forum/25...at-eaters.html


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Originally Posted by tanyae47 View Post
I'm an 18 year old girl ...... I know we aren't getting married of course, it's just a date, but I do not plan on dating for fun without the possibility of a serious relationship down the road (and neither does he).
!

18 is the perfect time to do some dating just for fun!

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#3 Old 02-24-2016, 07:41 AM
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18 is the perfect time to do some dating just for fun!
Lol. About the time I decided to kind of date for fun, I ended up meeting my husband. Instant connection and never been apart since. I've been with him since I was 17 and have no regrets about taking that path in life We've stuck by each other through some challenging times and grown into fully fledged adults together. I couldn't imagine trying to find a partner at this age when I'm so much more set in my ways and he would be too.
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As for the OP- No one can decide for you what you do and don't feel comfortable with. It also has a lot to do with how respectful of your choice he is (and how respectful of his you can be). Only you can really decided if your partner being a non vegan is a make or break difference of opinion in a potential relationship. I know there are certainly a few things that would have been deal breakers for me, though diet was not one (respect for my dietary choices was though). I don't necessarily see why you can't go out on a casual date with him to get to know him a bit better. Afternoon coffee or a hike or something else done in a fairly relaxed setting. You don't even really have to call it a "date" if you don't want, just hang out a bit and get to know each other.

Personally, I was a vegetarian when I met my omni husband and have never made a big fuss about it, nor has it ever been an issue for us. Rarely comes up honestly. Our 'arrangement' has always been, I don't touch, cook or clean up after flesh. I am more than happy to cook and clean up from 3 from-scratch delicious vegetarian/vegan meals every day (and have for all the years we've lived together). Beyond the odd frozen burrito or something with flesh in it, my husband pretty much eats veg at home because I cook nutritious and tasty meals and he doesn't want to cook or clean up for himself when a good meal is literally just put in front of him with no effort on his part. That works for us. It may not work for someone else.
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#4 Old 02-24-2016, 09:03 AM
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When you're dating for fun, it doesn't matter so much. You're only 18 - you should take some years to meet different people.
In which city do you live? There might be a vegan social group near you.

_________

Specific recommendations for a healthy diet include: eating more fruit, vegetables, legumes, nuts and grains; cutting down on salt, sugar and fats. It is also advisable to choose unsaturated fats, instead of saturated fats and towards the elimination of trans-fatty acids."
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#5 Old 02-24-2016, 11:10 AM
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Try it and see if it's an issue. If it is, you can break up. I know people who married young who are very happy, and people who as they matured realized they had nothing in common except for sex and children, so divorced as the children got older.

So take your time, date, see if it's a problem, then you'll know.

As a Christian you'll probably have more restraint with sex, so that will probably work in your favor as well. It's really easy to get attached to someone who you have good sex with, even if you are at odds in other ways. I think that's one of the reasons religions teach abstinence. I'm NOT an "abstinence only" Christian by any means, but I'm just throwing that out there.
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#6 Old 02-24-2016, 09:10 PM
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I agree with Kiwibird08 about respect and deciding what your own deal breakers are
If you think he is awesome, then IMO it's totally worth a shot.
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#7 Old 02-25-2016, 12:58 AM
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We are the vegan. Choose an omnivore partner. They will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.
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#8 Old 02-25-2016, 04:03 AM
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We are the vegan. Choose an omnivore partner. They will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.
You just being snarky there? 'Cause statistics certainly show otherwise

I can't begin to think how someone would find a partner if they weren't dating 'just for fun'.
Most people do moderate there actions for the person they partner with, so ethics are a big factor
Some can deal with differences while staying true to their self than others--but it takes both parties involved
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#9 Old 02-25-2016, 08:13 PM
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Originally Posted by Kiwibird08 View Post
I am more than happy to cook and clean up from 3 from-scratch delicious vegetarian/vegan meals every day (and have for all the years we've lived together).
Just wondering why you're doing both the cooking AND cleaning up. In my family, we have a rule that's been in place for decades: the person who cooks a meal does not clean up afterward. It's a wonderful thing.
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#10 Old 02-25-2016, 08:18 PM
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Based on my vast life experience (50+ years!), I'd say that you may be setting yourself up for problems if you date someone who doesn't share your feelings about animals. And since you're only interested in dating someone if there's the possibility of a long-term relationship, you have to pick and choose carefully!

Of course, no two relationships are exactly alike, and it's possible you could start a relationship with this guy and end up perfectly happy. But it's also possible that you'll end up bitter and unhappy if he doesn't change to your way of thinking.

Perhaps having a dialogue with him about the subject would be a good place to start. Just explain how dedicated you are to a compassionate lifestyle, and go from there. Who knows where it may lead?
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#11 Old 02-25-2016, 08:39 PM
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Just wondering why you're doing both the cooking AND cleaning up. In my family, we have a rule that's been in place for decades: the person who cooks a meal does not clean up afterward. It's a wonderful thing.
Because I'm a housewife, and I consider it my full time job to cook and clean (I do some eBay selling too since we don't have kids yet, but that really isn't a job per say). I know it's uncommon in today's world for a younger woman to not want a career outside the home or for a man to want to be the sole provider, but it really works out great for us! I often think as I'm doing the dishes or mopping the kitchen after dinner how wonderful it is that I didn't have to deal with a commute and bunch of people I probably only got along with because it was my job to all day. I really and truly am NOT a people person and interacting with people I don't want to is excruciating. My husband hates any form of housework and is no great chef, so he's pretty grateful he gets to put his feet up and not worry about helping with cooking dinner or household tasks after work (or making breakfast/lunch in the morning). We both like it much better this way!

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#12 Old 02-25-2016, 11:27 PM
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Because I'm a housewife, and I consider it my full time job to cook and clean (I do some eBay selling too since we don't have kids yet, but that really isn't a job per say). I know it's uncommon in today's world for a younger woman to not want a career outside the home or for a man to want to be the sole provider, but it really works out great for us! I often think as I'm doing the dishes or mopping the kitchen after dinner how wonderful it is that I didn't have to deal with a commute and bunch of people I probably only got along with because it was my job to all day. I really and truly am NOT a people person and interacting with people I don't want to is excruciating. My husband hates any form of housework and is no great chef, so he's pretty grateful he gets to put his feet up and not worry about helping with cooking dinner or household tasks after work (or making breakfast/lunch in the morning). We both like it much better this way!
You know, if that's what works for both of you, great! I just have a lifetime of knowledge that tells me a number of things, including: more than half of all marriages end in divorce, and, a woman who has no job skills but suddenly finds herself needing to bring in money can be in for a very, very bad time. I just saw a case on "Judge Judy" where a woman had been a stay-at-home mom, then her husband abruptly abandoned her and their kids; she had NO money coming in, and resorted to various illegal things to try to keep it together while trying to get a job.

That reminded me of how we raised our daughter in a nonsexist household AND continually reinforced that she should rely on no one but herself for financial security. I'm happy to say she learned those lessons well.
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#13 Old 02-26-2016, 02:50 AM
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You know, if that's what works for both of you, great! I just have a lifetime of knowledge that tells me a number of things, including: more than half of all marriages end in divorce, and, a woman who has no job skills but suddenly finds herself needing to bring in money can be in for a very, very bad time. I just saw a case on "Judge Judy" where a woman had been a stay-at-home mom, then her husband abruptly abandoned her and their kids; she had NO money coming in, and resorted to various illegal things to try to keep it together while trying to get a job.

That reminded me of how we raised our daughter in a nonsexist household AND continually reinforced that she should rely on no one but herself for financial security. I'm happy to say she learned those lessons well.
Kiwi's household is not sexist just because she is a housewife. All couples divide up duties in some form or other; kiwi's way is just as legit as both partners working as lawyers, just as feminist--because she has made her choice.

My husband and I have raised a daughter (and a son) to adulthood. We have taught them the value of teamwork, especially with family, in working toward a common goal together. Certainly independence is a trait to be admired, but so too is the idea of family. Of course we can't control if one of a couple gets injured or killed, for example, but the family then adapts to the new reality. Kiwi may have her master's degree for all we know, and if not, she could get a job if need be. Having one partner stay at home doesn't fit capitalism's new face, as it is easier to spend less with one partner at home, but it is still a way of living that many couples today still choose.
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#14 Old 02-26-2016, 03:07 AM
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I can't help but wonder if the same disparaging caution would be given if the genders were reversed.
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#15 Old 02-26-2016, 07:16 AM
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You know, if that's what works for both of you, great! I just have a lifetime of knowledge that tells me a number of things, including: more than half of all marriages end in divorce, and, a woman who has no job skills but suddenly finds herself needing to bring in money can be in for a very, very bad time. I just saw a case on "Judge Judy" where a woman had been a stay-at-home mom, then her husband abruptly abandoned her and their kids; she had NO money coming in, and resorted to various illegal things to try to keep it together while trying to get a job.
First, what makes you think I have no education or skills past knowing how to cook and clean for a man and have never had a job? So much so I would have to "resort to illegal things to survive" fi my husband up and left me ? Also curious what you think happens to a woman who has been "fiercely independent" and "held down by no man" who gets laid off, perhaps had a few kids via sperm donor and now struggles to find a new job, finding herself in financial desperation. Do you feel she would automatically resort to "illegal things" to support herself and her kids, or do you only assume a housewife who got left by her husband would be so stupid as to not even think to go find a job as a waitress or clerk?

Quote:
That reminded me of how we raised our daughter in a nonsexist household AND continually reinforced that she should rely on no one but herself for financial security. I'm happy to say she learned those lessons well.
Well, I'm glad you're proud of how you raised your daughter- that only ONE path in life is right for her and that deviating from that path is 'wrong' and 'sexist'. I also came from a background of being told what was right for me and how I should think and feel and act. But thankfully, I have also always had little issue with authority and being told what to do, so I didn't "learn those lessons" very well at all. I decided that MY decisions in life should *always* be MY OWN, not what anyone else expects of me or thinks I should do. In fact, I find it harmful to women that they still have to face discrimination for making their own choices if that choice happens to not be what society feels a women should be at the moment. I don't need ANYONE to tell me the thing 'du jour' for a woman to be is a career woman therefore I *MUST* also be a career woman. It's not like I was lobotomized into a cooking, cleaning, living sex robot and rendered unable to return to work. My husband isn't a controlling @-hole who would never 'allow' that (I wouldn't be with him or ever tolerate that kind of mindset in my life again), we just prefer this arrangement as it suits both of us better.
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#16 Old 02-26-2016, 07:46 AM
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You go Kiwibird08. ^_^ The whole point of the womanslib was about women having choices.
I'm really happy it's working out for you and your family.
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#17 Old 02-26-2016, 07:51 AM
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The best decision I ever made was to marry my wife. She is not vegetarian and her family is not the same faith as my family.

I say family, because neither her nor I are religious; our families are religious.

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she should rely on no one but herself for financial security
Best advice for anyone with respect to financial security. Don't rely on spouses, family, trust funds, etc. You never know when that money will run out.
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#18 Old 02-26-2016, 11:19 AM
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I can't help but wonder if the same disparaging caution would be given if the genders were reversed.
From me, yes.

Anyone who has not been in the workforce for years faces almost insurmountable odds if the situation changes due to divorce, death, disability or job loss by the primary/sole wage earner. Anyone who elects to be a stay-at-home spouse is taking a tremendous risk. Likewise, the sole wage earner is also gambling her/his future, because she/he will not be able to walk away from the marriage without being financially ruined (unless you're rich enough that an unequal asset division and payment of maintenance won't make a substantial impact on your life). Been there, done that, am living with the consequences.
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#19 Old 02-26-2016, 11:20 AM
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So tanyae... How did the date go ?
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#20 Old 02-26-2016, 01:34 PM
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This doesn't answer your question and maybe I shouldn't bring it up, but the idea of kissing someone knowing they eat meat with their mouth and it is down there in their body....it grosses me out. I've done it, but it is far from ideal. Everyone's different on this, of course.
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#21 Old 02-26-2016, 04:58 PM
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Originally Posted by tanyae47 View Post
I'm an 18 year old girl and have been vegan for several years because I'm really passionate about animal welfare and just very compassionate in general. I have also had a crush on this guy for a couple of years who is so kind-hearted and awesome and he shares my devotion to my religion (Christianity) and is overall just a very good guy. He wants to date me, and I also like him so much but I don't know what to say. I have always felt that I really wanted someone who shared my passion for veganism. He does love animals, however, he just isn't a vegan, and it has always been beyond my comprehension why someone can know about the suffering of farm animals and still continue to eat and use them. I know he likes animals and does not wish harm on them, so I just can not understand and never have. I really want the person I end up being with to have a passion for animals like I do, and I know we aren't getting married of course, it's just a date, but I do not plan on dating for fun without the possibility of a serious relationship down the road (and neither does he).
Obviously I know this is a personal choice, but I would love some input. It might help to hear what you guys think, because I just don't know what to do. I am leaning towards going forward with it... Can you guys offer any perspective?
Thank you so much!
I think you answered your own question with the bold faced quote.

Live your life the way you want to live it, and don't compromise your principles.

All animals should be respected & should have the ability to lead a natural & enjoyable life. This means not eating them, or abusing them in any way.
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#22 Old 02-26-2016, 07:32 PM
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I can't help but wonder if the same disparaging caution would be given if the genders were reversed.
It would be from me. And, again, that's because I have a lifetime of knowledge that supports the idea that a non-working spouse *CAN* end up having a very difficult time if something unexpected/unplanned happens. Considering the high rate of divorce, that ALONE should serve as a cautionary tale in terms of keeping oneself employable even while staying home. Then there's sudden death, or disability, or any number of other things that can disrupt a family's financial picture.

Also, my original comment had ONLY to do with the unfairness (in my opinion) of the person who cooks a meal also being the person who cleans up afterward. To me, that's just not right, and the genders involved are irrelevant.
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#23 Old 02-26-2016, 07:40 PM
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Originally Posted by Kiwibird08 View Post
First, what makes you think I have no education or skills past knowing how to cook and clean for a man and have never had a job? So much so I would have to "resort to illegal things to survive" fi my husband up and left me ? Also curious what you think happens to a woman who has been "fiercely independent" and "held down by no man" who gets laid off, perhaps had a few kids via sperm donor and now struggles to find a new job, finding herself in financial desperation. Do you feel she would automatically resort to "illegal things" to support herself and her kids, or do you only assume a housewife who got left by her husband would be so stupid as to not even think to go find a job as a waitress or clerk?
Sorry you chose to misinterpret what I said! I described a recent "Judge Judy" case, not YOUR case.

Quote:
Well, I'm glad you're proud of how you raised your daughter- that only ONE path in life is right for her and that deviating from that path is 'wrong' and 'sexist'. I also came from a background of being told what was right for me and how I should think and feel and act. But thankfully, I have also always had little issue with authority and being told what to do, so I didn't "learn those lessons" very well at all. I decided that MY decisions in life should *always* be MY OWN, not what anyone else expects of me or thinks I should do. In fact, I find it harmful to women that they still have to face discrimination for making their own choices if that choice happens to not be what society feels a women should be at the moment. I don't need ANYONE to tell me the thing 'du jour' for a woman to be is a career woman therefore I *MUST* also be a career woman. It's not like I was lobotomized into a cooking, cleaning, living sex robot and rendered unable to return to work. My husband isn't a controlling @-hole who would never 'allow' that (I wouldn't be with him or ever tolerate that kind of mindset in my life again), we just prefer this arrangement as it suits both of us better.
Like I said, if that's what works for you, GREAT. What part of that was unclear?

I will, however, stand by the KNOWLEDGE I have that says a stay-at-home spouse *CAN* end up having a very hard time if something unexpected happens. As long as you're aware of that, and are taking measures to avoid the trap so many other women have fallen into, great. If you're not doing that, this might be a good time to start.
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#24 Old 02-26-2016, 08:16 PM
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For many couples with young children, one parent staying home does not take a big hit financially. Paying for daycare, work wardrobe, transportation, convenience foods, etc may wind up with the second salary only netting a small amount.
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#25 Old 02-27-2016, 09:56 AM
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Hi guys, thank you for all your answers! I have been reading through them all along but just didn't post because I couldn't remember my password! (I know I could have had it sent to my email, but I was waiting to see if I would remember it, and I did.)
All of you have presented really good points, and I think I agree with them all- that's what makes it so hard!
Ad Elie, you asked how the date went, and it did go well and I just like him so much more. Because I didn't say this before, I did already know him (he was a couple years older than me in high school) so I had talked to him several times and definitely knew him by his reputation (which is very, very good) but I didn't know him extremely well, and this just made me fall for him even more. UGH! Lol... I have been thinking that I maybe should go along with it. Looking at it in one way, if we do end up together, I would be the one cooking most of the time, so even if he isn't all out vegan, he would still be eating way less animal-derived products than if he was with someone else who was not a vegan. So there would still be positive effects... I just have to further examine my personal feelings.
Also, he is really interested in a vegan diet and was very thoughtful and curious while asking about it... and he really planned on watching some further videos and doing some more research about animal welfare on farms and such.
Perhaps I am being too hopeful here, but he really seems to be interested in veganism! Even if we don't end up staying together, I would be so happy to know if someone became a vegan because of me. And he really is the type of person who would do this- he really aligns everything he does with his morals and I think now that he really knows and has had his eyes opened to the cruelty of the industry that he may just change his ways, because he really does and always had cared about and loved animals.
Sorry for making this post so long- and thanks again for all your replies!
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#26 Old 02-27-2016, 02:17 PM
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For many couples with young children, one parent staying home does not take a big hit financially. Paying for daycare, work wardrobe, transportation, convenience foods, etc may wind up with the second salary only netting a small amount.
This is true, but it does not mitigate the long term risk you face by being out of the workforce for 6+ years.
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#27 Old 02-27-2016, 04:06 PM
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Hi guys, thank you for all your answers! I have been reading through them all along but just didn't post because I couldn't remember my password! (I know I could have had it sent to my email, but I was waiting to see if I would remember it, and I did.)
All of you have presented really good points, and I think I agree with them all- that's what makes it so hard!
Ad Elie, you asked how the date went, and it did go well and I just like him so much more. Because I didn't say this before, I did already know him (he was a couple years older than me in high school) so I had talked to him several times and definitely knew him by his reputation (which is very, very good) but I didn't know him extremely well, and this just made me fall for him even more. UGH! Lol... I have been thinking that I maybe should go along with it. Looking at it in one way, if we do end up together, I would be the one cooking most of the time, so even if he isn't all out vegan, he would still be eating way less animal-derived products than if he was with someone else who was not a vegan. So there would still be positive effects... I just have to further examine my personal feelings.
Also, he is really interested in a vegan diet and was very thoughtful and curious while asking about it... and he really planned on watching some further videos and doing some more research about animal welfare on farms and such.
Perhaps I am being too hopeful here, but he really seems to be interested in veganism! Even if we don't end up staying together, I would be so happy to know if someone became a vegan because of me. And he really is the type of person who would do this- he really aligns everything he does with his morals and I think now that he really knows and has had his eyes opened to the cruelty of the industry that he may just change his ways, because he really does and always had cared about and loved animals.
Sorry for making this post so long- and thanks again for all your replies!
I'm glad your date went well

Just something to keep in mind that in any relationship that you should never *expect* for someone to change for you. If they end up changing because they learned something they never knew and grow and evolve, that's great! But change should ALWAYS be because THEY wanted to. If they don't then you either have to accept and love them as they are or decide it is something important enough to you that you move on. I would love if my husband chose to become a vegan someday, but it has to be *his* choice and I personally am able to accept him not being. He is respectful of me was I am of him. He has, over the years, definitely reduced his consumption and changed where he sources animal products after learning more about it, but in a way he feels comfortable with. I definitely encourage/support that. It sounds like even if this guy does not go vegan, he is at least willing to learn and perhaps reduce and change habits as he sees fit to work within his ethical boundaries, so that's a very good sign IMO. Who knows, he may never have thought about it before and go learn more and go all the way vegan too

Best of luck and keep us posted on how everything is going!
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"The reward for conformity is that everyone likes you but yourself"

Last edited by Kiwibird08; 02-27-2016 at 04:08 PM.
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#28 Old 02-27-2016, 09:12 PM
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Originally Posted by Beautiful Joe View Post
This is true, but it does not mitigate the long term risk you face by being out of the workforce for 6+ years.
But the children and parents get a benefit, too. Everything isn't about money.
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#29 Old 02-27-2016, 10:23 PM
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Have you ever talked for real to him about the subject? Sometimes people are not vegan or vegetarian because they are simply lazy to cope with the lifestyle, sometimes ignorant believing we only eat salad and this kind of silly stuff, but they are not meat/dairy lovers and he sounds like a decent person. Is he great for you? Does he likes you too a lot? Well, try and test it is what I would say, you would not be dating him for fun but to know how it goes down the road. You have to know for sure what is his instance on the subject and how flexible he is, people can change. I don't see it differently than dating any random person that you are infatuated on. Two months later you might find out the person is intellectually limited for your taste, or somehow a closeted sexist, we can't predict or get people 100% after a couple of dates. Nothing will stop you from changing your mind later if you think he is way too inflexible and will probably be a conformist for the rest of his life. At that point you probably will be already turned down by that so I don't see that much trouble here.
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#30 Old 02-27-2016, 10:40 PM
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Originally Posted by LedBoots View Post
But the children and parents get a benefit, too. Everything isn't about money.
As far as the children are concerned, your assumption about them being better off if one parent stays at home with them is just that, an assumption, and is not supported by the evidence. There are a number of studies on this topic; these are just two: http://parenthood.library.wisc.edu/Hoffman/Hoffman.html http://www.nytimes.com/2015/05/17/up...hers.html?_r=0

Look, I don't care what other people choose to do about being a stay at home spouse; it's their live(s), and they (and their children) will be living with the consequences. I know the risks both from personal experience and from the experiences of friends who have found themselves living with the unintended and unplanned consequences and who regret the decisions they made, but I don't fool myself into believing that anyone is going to listen to any advice I might have to offer. People hardly ever listen to advice even when they've asked for it (and largely don't even listen to advice that they've paid for, from professionals). I entered into the conversation merely because people were giving some rather superficial advice without any consideration of the downsides to what they were saying.
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