parenting issues - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 06-10-2014, 04:14 PM
cha
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
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parenting issues

i am desperate.
I need some advices on raising my daughter with a non vegan dad.

For the record, we were both vegetarian when we decided to have her.

We somehow grew apart and one thing leading another he started to eat meat again and i became a vegan (only a month ago)
He is feeding her meat behind my back since about 6 month and i just learned it.
It is breaking my heart and i cannot imagine living like this!
Even though I would love to raise her vegan, that's out of the question.
We are so different and I only ask him to do this one "sacrifice", not to give her meat!
He says I am become an extremist (which I am probably becoming, or will be one day)

Even though I found the reason of our problem "crazy" i dont see a future for us.

Is anybody in my case? I am crazy to wanna end a 7 years relationship over this?
being a vegan- or vegetarian- is the value i cherish the most in my life for so many reasons.
and u wanna raise your children with your values.

I am totally lost. And scared.
Help!!
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#2 Old 06-10-2014, 04:35 PM
 
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When my wife and I had our children (ages 7 and 4) I was a hard core "carnivore" who would never consider giving up meat and had an irrational dislike of vegans. Fast forward to about 2 years ago and I changed my diet to a vegan diet for health reasons, then eventually changed my entire lifestyle to a vegan lifestyle. My wife still eats a typical meat based diet, and when she feeds the kids they do as well. When I am in charge of feeding them I tend to feed them a mostly vegan diet, but always a ovo-lacto vegetarian diet. I wish my wife had followed me down my path of veganism, but she didn't, and I highly doubt she ever will. I also wish my kids ate vegan all the time, but I understand that when we had the kids, I was a different person with different beliefs and we have reached a bit of a compromise in the situation. There was a time that I didn't know if our marriage would survive my becoming vegan, but I think now that it will.

I think anytime a spouse does something to a child behind the other parent's back, there are major trust issues that need to be addressed. I don't know what the answer is for your situation, but I hope you can find some kind of compromise with him.
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#3 Old 06-10-2014, 05:52 PM
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Maybe ask him why he started eating meat again.....and why he feels it's important for your child to eat meat. Have an open & honest discussion, without any drama. Just the facts.

To make it simple, the medical evidence is overwhelming. The veg*n diet is very good for you, the vegan diet even better. PM me if you want a lot of details.

You need to discus the health implications the child's diet has & how it will effect your relationship. There are some posters here who have been veg*n or vegan since childhood, & I can only wish I had that.

My daughter should be starting a family soon, & she's stated that the child will be "90% vegan". That's cuz he / she might have some pizza now & again, or something. This is the plan.....and she's not even pregnant yet.

Do what heals your relationship & what puts peace in your household and your heart. If your really want a veg*n or vegan child, explain your position & see what happens.

Let's face it.....women are really in charge.....at least from everything I've experienced in life. Take it slow and easy and let the truth come out. The SAD (Standard American Diet) is a train wreck, & the farther you get away from it, the better.

I hope that helps & GOOD LUCK!!!!!
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All animals should be respected & should have the ability to lead a natural & enjoyable life. This means not eating them, or abusing them in any way.
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#4 Old 06-10-2014, 10:01 PM
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Ok, regarding sneaking meat to your kid behind your back: get to family therapy NOW, and put your foot down and INSIST he WILL go. Use any leverage you think will work. The reason why: I am reading between the lines here and I think he may be trying to "get you back" for something (maybe get you back for going Vegan, for changing??). Going behind your back for anything points to a very bad disconnect in the relationship and very unhealthy practices that will almost certainly get worse. The action is passive-aggressive and undermining and I find it extremely disturbing on many levels. Even if you were divorced, this would be a bad thing for him to do.

Now, about that - I am going to give you a dose of reality here... When you made the child together, you both were in a different place, and at that time you both had a different commitment to how you were eating (and presumably how you would feed the kid). You both have now gotten away from that original plan. He has gone to a less healthy but more flexible paradigm, you have gone to a healthier but more restrictive paradigm. There is no way this was not going to cause a conflict and someone is going to have to compromise somewhere.

How old is the little girl? Is she old enough to make anything like an intelligent choice on what and how she eats? If not, then you are all now stuck with a nasty choice: either you, the parents, find one plan you can agree on for the child or you each feed her the way you like which may be tough to do If you stay married - it could lead to more conflict which would be bad for the child. If you split, it might be easier, if you can find a way to do it peaceably. Ultimately you both need to do what is best for the child.

Note: while I do think a Vegan diet is healthier for the child, you very well may not be able to convince your DH of that. (You definitely will not convince a divorce court.) Thus, you may not be able to achieve your desire of raising your daughter Vegan. if you decide to stay with DH, then I'm betting you will have to compromise, at least for the forseeable future.
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#5 Old 06-14-2014, 02:36 PM
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Only you can decide what's best for you and your relationship. But I have to say if my husband just
flipped the switch and went back to eating animals it would be a huge problem for our relationship. We met because we were both vegetarians (set up by friends). We went vegan together. This issue is one of the foundations of our relationship. It would be devastating if he changed his beliefs and lifestyle, akin to changing religion.

We have a son we're raising vegan. If my husband fed our son meat behind my back I'd be furious. That's because we have talked in depth about how we want to parent, including teaching our veganism. But if we hadn't decided beforehand together to raise our child veg then I would not see it as much of a betrayal. It's extremely important to discuss parenting styles, beliefs, values, etc before having kids and then to continue talking about it so you're on the same page.

I think you should talk to frankly about your beliefs and values. Together you need to decide how to raise your child.


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#6 Old 06-15-2014, 04:33 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ElaineV View Post
We have a son we're raising vegan.
COOL!!!

That is a very noble accomplishment.

All animals should be respected & should have the ability to lead a natural & enjoyable life. This means not eating them, or abusing them in any way.
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#7 Old 06-17-2014, 10:45 AM
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We have been married 18 years. All of my kids have had meat even during the years I am Vegan. Sneaking meat is one thing. I honestly think a 7 year relationship is a thing worth saving. If you end it, he will have custody as well. Love him for who is and where he is at. That is unconditional. People grow and change. Our society is big on walking away when people change. But, that is hardly love or fair or commitment to your partner.

All my children tends towards the way I eat. I am vocal about why. I don't bash meat eating. But, I don't let it have a foot hold in my house.

One thing I have learned about staying together (I have had a few times where I was finished) is that love becomes something I never knew existed. I never knew anyone married this long and happy. I never knew people could grow and change and work through things. It's amazing.

We aren't in your life currently. I am not judging or belittling your feelings. I am asking you to step back and take in everything. Think about your future and your child as it grows.

Sometimes in a long relationship we get comfortable and we don't see something until it blows up. Then it's a mess. But, you can work through those and find your happy mediums. You really can.


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Dready, Christian, Homeschooling Mom
to 4 kids ages 13-1
One more arriving in March 2011
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