Tell me a joke. - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 05-20-2008, 04:26 PM
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A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale".



He rings the bell and the owner tells him he can see the dog in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt sitting there.



"You talk?" he asks.

"Sure do." the dog replies.

"So, what's your story?"



The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to serve my country, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. Now I'm retired."



The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.



The owner says, "Ten dollars."



The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"



The owner says, "Cause he's a liar! He didn't do any of that stuff."
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#2 Old 05-20-2008, 04:35 PM
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Roses are red

Violets are blue

I'm a schizophrenic

And so am i
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#3 Old 05-20-2008, 04:42 PM
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i like the jokes that are currently in Mr. Sun's signature:



Quote:
I heard a version of this on the radio:



Q: How many vegans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two. One to screw it in and the other to read the box to make sure there is no animal testing and no animal byproducts.



Q: How many omnis does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: None. They'd rather remain in the dark.

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#4 Old 05-20-2008, 04:43 PM
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A priest, a rabbi and a minister are on a plane trip together. The flight attendant comes over and asks the priest if he would like to drink something alcoholic. The priest asks for a wee drop of Irish whiskey. The rabbi then asks for a glass of kosher red wine. The minister replies, "young lady, I'd sooner lay down and have sex with you than allow my lips to touch the evil drink." As the flight attendant walks away, the rabbi calls after her; "oh, miss, I've changed my order. As long as there's a choice, I'll have what Brother Johnson is having."

*this space not for sale*
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#5 Old 05-20-2008, 07:33 PM
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How does an elephant hide in a strawberry patch?

He paints his toenails red.



How do you know if there is an elephant in your refrigerator?

Footprints in the butter.



How do you know if there are two elephants in your refrigerator?

The door won't close.



How do you get an elephant into a tree?

Set him on top of an acorn and wait fifty years.



How do you get an elephant out of a tree?

Set him on a leaf and wait until fall.



Two men are walking together. One walks into a bar. The other one ducks.
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#6 Old 05-20-2008, 07:59 PM
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Q. How many omnis does it take to change a compact lightbulb?



A. Three. One to hold the ladder, one to change the bulb, and another one to remark that he didn't climb to the top of the lightbulb chain to use a compact lightbulb, which will die soon anyway because it doesn't use as much electricity as a regular lightbulb.

*this space not for sale*
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#7 Old 05-20-2008, 08:05 PM
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At the end of the tax year, the IRS sent an inspector to audit the books

of a synagogue.



While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I

notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle

drippings?'



'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to

the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of

candles.'



'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual

question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way: What about all these matzo (bread)

purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'



'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to

trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send back

to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of

matzo balls.'



'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster

the know-it-all Rabbi.



'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'What do you do with all the leftover

foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'



'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save up

all the foreskins and send them to the Internal Revenue Service, and

about once a year they send us a complete d*ck.'



** This is okay according to the TOS...right?
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#8 Old 05-21-2008, 09:07 PM
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Tom Cruise.

"and I stand

upon a mountain

made of weak and useless men"

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#9 Old 05-22-2008, 03:36 AM
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During a particularly rough flight, the airliner pilot addresses his passengers: "The turbulence we passed through was rough, but we have passed that now. The rest of the flight is expected to be smooth." The pilot was unaware that his PA switch was stuck on, and leaned over to the co-pilot and said "Boy, was that rough! What I need now is a hot woman and a cold beer."



A flight attendant in the rear of the aircraft heard this, and ran forward to warn the pilot.



As she neared the cockpit, an elderly woman passenger stopped her saying "Don't forget the beer!"

Give thanks to Mother Earth for Her greatest gift...

...gravity.

For without it, we would be lost.
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#10 Old 05-22-2008, 09:01 AM
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320 Chicago Cubs fans are boarding a plane. Just 1 Chicago White Sox fan is boarding the plane.



The flight goes well until some alignments occur during the flight.



"Attention. We are experiencing some issues with the engine of the plane. Unfortunately, all the luggage will be discarded." Said the pilot. All the suitcases are loose.



After five minutes, "Attention. We still experiencing issues in this flight. The emergency hatches will open, please, throw away all the chairs and personal suitcases." Said the pilot. The hatches opened and all was threw out as said.



After more disturbances... "Attention. Attention. The rear aircraft is damaged. Some emergency bars will appear from the roof. Hold those bars as the floor will be loose."



The floor breaks, and you can see everybody holding the bars... the feet are touching the clouds.



"Attention!!!! This aircraft is going to crash. We need to do an emergency land. Unfortunately we have too much weight... All but one must release the plane. I know it's a bad issue... but at least one traveler will make it. Good luck, and God bless you all... We have 3 minutes." Said sadly the pilot.





What happened? The Sox fan said, "GO CUBS!!! GO CUBBIES!!!!!" All the cubs fan, "PLAS, PLAS, PLAS. (clapping hands)
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#11 Old 05-22-2008, 10:54 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chicagoan View Post

320 Chicago Cubs fans are boarding a plane. Just 1 Chicago White Sox fan is boarding the plane.



The flight goes well until some alignments occur during the flight.



"Attention. We are experiencing some issues with the engine of the plane. Unfortunately, all the luggage will be discarded." Said the pilot. All the suitcases are loose.



After five minutes, "Attention. We still experiencing issues in this flight. The emergency hatches will open, please, throw away all the chairs and personal suitcases." Said the pilot. The hatches opened and all was threw out as said.



After more disturbances... "Attention. Attention. The rear aircraft is damaged. Some emergency bars will appear from the roof. Hold those bars as the floor will be loose."



The floor breaks, and you can see everybody holding the bars... the feet are touching the clouds.



"Attention!!!! This aircraft is going to crash. We need to do an emergency land. Unfortunately we have too much weight... All but one must release the plane. I know it's a bad issue... but at least one traveler will make it. Good luck, and God bless you all... We have 3 minutes." Said sadly the pilot.





What happened? The Sox fan said, "GO CUBS!!! GO CUBBIES!!!!!" All the cubs fan, "PLAS, PLAS, PLAS. (clapping hands)



I don't get it.

*this space not for sale*
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#12 Old 05-22-2008, 11:04 AM
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LOL...



The White Sox fun tricked all the Cubs fans to save his ass... all the travelers but one needed to release the bars.
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#13 Old 05-22-2008, 11:35 AM
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My credit card.



I maxified it today buying something really naughty - hedonism for the win!

m8itcanw8.com
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#14 Old 05-22-2008, 11:39 PM
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Old story but fun to hear again.



It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make Brass Monkeys.





Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time, you thought that was a vulgar expression, didn't you? You must send this fabulous bit of historical knowledge to at least a few & unsuspecting friends.

Give thanks to Mother Earth for Her greatest gift...

...gravity.

For without it, we would be lost.
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#15 Old 05-23-2008, 04:19 AM
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A blonde woman was pulled over for speeding. The police woman ( who also happened to be blonde) asked to see her licence. The driver stared at her blankly.

PW- "you know, the small rectangle thing with your picture on it."

BLONDE -" oh yeah, I know!"

She reached into her hand bag and pulled out a hand mirror and gave it to the police lady.













The PW looked at it and said

" Sorry ma'am, I want aware you were a police woman."
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#16 Old 05-23-2008, 10:27 AM
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Why did the bike fall over?



Because it was two tired



Two fish were in a tank, one fish looks at the other, he says "do you know how to drive this thing?"



Last night I dreamt I was a muffler and I woke up exhausted.
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#17 Old 05-23-2008, 04:14 PM
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Q: Do you know how to say that i raise blind dear?

A: ?

Q: it's "I have no idea".



(From Tonight Show)
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#18 Old 05-30-2008, 01:51 PM
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This is for all of us who have or have had pets . . .



How To Give A Cat A Pill



1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.



2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.



3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.



4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.



5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.



6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.



7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.



8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw



9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.



10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.



12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.



13. Tie the little *******'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.



14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table..



15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.



How To Give A Dog A Pill





1. Wrap it in bacon.





2. Toss it in the air.
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#19 Old 05-31-2008, 12:49 PM
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in email:



Quote:
An American is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.



Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"



American (in a bad mood): "Of course."



Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.



The American listens in silence.



The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"



American: "Of Course."



Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).



"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to the states."



After a moment of silence, The American then asks:! "Do you have sex in France?"



Frenc hman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.



American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"



Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."



American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France .

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#20 Old 05-31-2008, 01:29 PM
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An American and a Englishman walk into a bar....



The Canadian should have seen it coming.



*groan*







OR....





An American, an Englishman and and Canadian walk into a bar, and the bartender says: "What is this, some kind of joke?"



*double groan*
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#21 Old 05-31-2008, 01:33 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovelyPerv View Post

Old story but fun to hear again.



It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make Brass Monkeys.





Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time, you thought that was a vulgar expression, didn't you? You must send this fabulous bit of historical knowledge to at least a few & unsuspecting friends.



Hehe I knew about that already, my boyfriend told me about it. He's told me quite a few little historical tidbits like that.
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#22 Old 05-31-2008, 06:03 PM
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How do you catch a unique animal?



You 'neak up on him.
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#23 Old 06-07-2008, 08:09 PM
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my favorite joke ever...

Q: What has 9 arms and sucks?





A: Def Leppard





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#24 Old 10-26-2008, 07:48 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nickle00 View Post

This is for all of us who have or have had pets . . .



How To Give A Cat A Pill



1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.



2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.



3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.



4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.



5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.



6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.



7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.



8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw



9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.



10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.



12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.



13. Tie the little *******'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.



14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table..



15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.



How To Give A Dog A Pill





1. Wrap it in bacon.





2. Toss it in the air.



I LOVE this!



Sure can relate. *has three cats*



Quote:
Originally Posted by lavande View Post

my favorite joke ever...

Q: What has 9 arms and sucks?





A: Def Leppard












Tasteless.




*this space not for sale*
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#25 Old 10-26-2008, 07:52 AM
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Four elderly Jewish men sat on a park bench in Brooklyn, not saying anything for a long time. Finally the first one sighed and spoke.



"Oy."



Upon which the second one groaned loudly and responded with , "Oy, vey!"



Upon which the third one made a loud rattling sound in his throat, hrrk! and responded with, "Oy, vey, GEVALT!"



At this, the fourth man stood up and snapped at the other three, "if you fellas don't stop talking politics, I'm leaving!"

*this space not for sale*
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#26 Old 10-26-2008, 09:10 AM
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Three teenage boys were standing outside of a bar.



One walks inside and asks for a pint of beer.

The barman said, "No. You're too young."



The second walks in and asks for a pint of beer.

The barman said, "No! You're too young!"



The last walks in and asks for a pint of beer.

The barman was getting very angry, and so said, "I'll give you a pint of beer, if you walk into that room and eat the pile of dirty dog scabs on the table!"



The boy shrugs and walks into the room, and sure enough there was a large pile of dirty old dog scabs on the table. He took two empty packets of Smoky Bacon flavour crisps and put all the dog scabs into them. Then he threw them out of the window.



When he showed the bartender that all the scabs were gone, the bartender was shocked. He was only joking, but felt sorry for the boy, and so gave him the pint of beer.



Minutes later, the boy walked out, grinning, and told his friends: "Guess what? I just drank a pint of beer!"

His friend replied: "So what? We both just got free packets of Smoky Bacon flavour crisps!"
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#27 Old 10-26-2008, 12:02 PM
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What dose the ghost say to the bee?









Boo-bee!



HaaHaa I miss my nieces and nephew being kids.

"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."
 Marilyn Monroe
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