"Really, I'm quite excited. One of our cameramen has just entered the Guiness book of records, for the longest a BBC cameraman has gone without a drink. 27 yards." [the camera turns upside down]
"My wife and I had a bit of a tiff, and there'd been some high spirited name-calling. I'd stormed upstairs to fetch my birth certificate..."
"But really, as a child, I was so ugly... no, I know it's hard to believe, but it's true... I was so ugly, that when I was born, I didn't even get a birth certificate. I got an invoice."
"So it's lucky I went to a pretty soft school, you know, for pretty soft kids. Good heavens, at St Pansy's Primary, you could have a reign of terror with a balloon on a stick! Got some great memories there. I've got a photo of me, looking like this, when I was captain of the school embroidery team."
-The Two Ronnies