Newly married & Newly Vegan .. husband hates it ... HELP!!! - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 11-07-2007, 08:57 PM
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After reading the book "Skinny *****" .. I EASILY made the decision to go veg! I've always been an animal lover and hate myself for not doing this sooner! However ... I've been married for less then a year to my wonderful husband who is my match in every way ... except ... now, I can't stand to watch him eat meat! I told him in the beginning that I wouldn't force my views on him but lately ... the sight of other people eating meat makes me sick to my stomach. He will NOT give up his meat and won't even refrain from eating it in front of me ... and we've had many heart to hearts about my decision and I was reassured continuously that he supports me. Is there anything I can do about this?!?! We've had a few arguments over this already with the end no where in sight. How can I keep peace in my marriage when the food my husband puts in his mouth makes me want to vomit?!?
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#2 Old 11-07-2007, 09:11 PM
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Well you are the one that changed. Gut in, chest out, Now your going to have to do the time. Have some control, The world is not ending. Be patient. If you love him, well how does that go "love conquers all". Stay the course in time you should win him over at least part way. As he becomes more inforned as to the facts he will come to see things your way. Just remember men are basicly pig headed ( no offence to the pig), it goes with the macho territory.
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#3 Old 11-07-2007, 09:16 PM
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You'll have to come to an agreement and an understanding to keep peace, but there will have to be give and take. You may feel you "give" more, but if your marriage is worth it, that's what may have to happen. As a brand-new fired-up vegan you probably have a lot more passion and enthusiasim for this than your husband realized you'd have.



Realize this has to be hard for him too, you're suddenly not the person he married. You want him to change and maybe he's wishing you HADN'T changed. Take it easy on him. I do understand how you feel. I was married to an omni for 15+ years and I HATED, HATED seeing him eat meat, but we had far more positive, wonderful things going for the relationship that balanced out the fact that he ate meat. I couldn't change him, and I knew constant comments would sound like nagging no matter HOW "supportive" he claimed he was - but I did set a good example by cooking wonderful, tasty, healthy vegan meals that he loved.



And I am sure others will have good advice for you too.
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#4 Old 11-07-2007, 09:29 PM
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Is it selfish to ask him to not eat meat in front of me? .. I'd like to think that's something I could/would do for him.



.. and, after doing some research and knowing what I know now I get scared for his health! I love him and want him around for a long time .. I want to grow old together. I would hope we'd make the best choices for ourselves as far as preventing cancers and heart disease. Seeing him eat meat is sad ... in so many ways. I know that everyone searches for answers on their own time but I wish there was a way I could make him see where I'm coming from.
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#5 Old 11-07-2007, 09:44 PM
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You can't "make" him do anything. First and most important rule of marriage.



You can't change him. He may come around at some point, but you have to decide how important this is to you and if you can live with him if he NEVER budges an inch. Because he may never.



I think it's VERY selfish, personally, to ask him to suddenly change something he's done all his life and went into this marriage assuming you'd be OK with... others here will probably disagree with me but that's what I think... It would be different if you'd been vegan when he first met you and started dating.



You could tell him you won't cook it any more for him (which I even think is a bit selfish but know people have a hard time with) or that he has to bring it into the house himself, that you won't shop for it or whatever... but approach these changes slowly!! He didn't have this overnight epiphany like you did, so he isn't going to be interested in changing everything he eats all at once, even if he supports your doing so.
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#6 Old 11-08-2007, 12:19 AM
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If you are now veg for ethical reasons, it must be disappointing to see that he isn't willing to make the compassionate choice, now that you are (both, presumably) aware of the cruelty of the meat/dairy/egg industries.



Have you watched movies like Meet Your Meat, Peaceable Kingdom, or Earthlings? Would he be willing to watch movies with you? Do you feel that this is an issue in which he is simply not educated enough yet, or do you feel that he has enough information on the cruelty to animals in the food industry - but he's not compassionate enough to want to change?

"If you want to know where you would have stood on slavery before the civil war, don't look at where you stand on slavery today, look at where you stand on animal rights." - Paul Watson.

 

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#7 Old 11-08-2007, 04:31 AM
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You're just starting so you're really 'fired up' about it, that's good! Just don't alienate your partner over it!



And (I'm sure I'm in the minority here...) I wouldn't call it 'selfish' to ask him to not eat meat in front of you but you do need to realize that you're the one that changed. For all you know he may change in time too. But for right now just realize that he is still the same man you married. If you love him there are some things you're going to have to put up with, even if you find it to be morally wrong. Give him time to adjust, he will become more respectful of your new path.



Congrats on your change!



Rebbecca
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#8 Old 11-08-2007, 05:16 AM
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i agree with TnS. I think it's selfish for any one of us to expect our SOs to change because we have. Or, on the flip side, i think that when our SO changes, it's selfish of us to wish that they hadn't at all. We all change and grow during our lives, and the beauty of a relationship that lasts is that you are growing and changing *together.*
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#9 Old 11-08-2007, 05:29 AM
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My dietary changes have slowly influenced the rest of my family. When I first became l/o, I still would cook meat for the rest, but as my recipe repertoire became more extensive, they hardly noticed when I stopped serving meat. The same sort of thing happened when I went vegan - they adjusted slowly as I became more confortable making tasty substitutions and learned more vegan recipes. I never made any announcements like "Okay, now this is MY kitchen, and we will not have any CHEESE in here anymore!". But, there is no cheese in my kitchen now!



I would never ask my husband or any family member not to eat meat in front of me in a restaurant. It's their business. Funny, though, I find that most people are very sensitive to my diet and often choose veggie stuff when they eat around me.

It is our choices that show what we truly are far more than our abilities. ~A. Dumbledore
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#10 Old 11-08-2007, 05:52 AM
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Other people eating meat doesn't bother me. I've been veg for 13+ yrs now and so when I started I was still a child in a meat eating household. Everyone else ate meat around me all the time. Maybe I'm just hardened to it? Either way... my bf is an omni and the only time I really see him eating meat is when we go out to dinner since he doesn't eat meat at home. He loves my cooking and is too lazy to cook anything on his own, so he eats veg*n at home. He gets SO excited when we're having like, seitan for dinner. It's great Can you make more veg*n meals your husband would like so he'd more often not be eating meat around you? I make "meatier" veg*n meals than I would without my bf, but I think it's a good compromise!

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#11 Old 11-08-2007, 06:45 AM
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It makes life easier if we can find a way to coexist with omni's, even if we don't like what they eat. You can't change your DH's eating, but the two of you should be able to reach some sort of compromise. Perhaps he can agree (after a while - it may take a while to get there) that he'll cook and clean up after his own meat-eating, or that he'll eat your vegan cooking a few nights a week (and maybe he'll like some of it!), but you also have to make some allowances (say, to let meat in the house, to shop for it his meat, to not make gagging noises while he's eating). Long term, you might end up with an agreement where he can eat meat when he's out, but you won't have it in the house. But take it slowly.
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#12 Old 11-08-2007, 07:39 AM
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Yeah..you are in a pretty tough situation. On the one hand, you have made some changes you feel totally passionate about. On the other, your DH didn't sign up for this, and will probably end up feeling resentful if you try to completely overhaul his life because of YOUR beliefs/convictions.



I went veg about a year ago. Though DH supported my decision, he was a die hard omni and wasn't interested in changing. It took some getting used to for both of us, but eventually we came to an arrangement that worked for us.



Since I did the cooking, he agreed to eat mostly veg at home, and I agreed to cook him meat twice a week. In HIS case, over time he ate less and less meat, cause he loved all the veg meals I cooked. Eventually , he decided for various reasons that he was ready to go veg as well.



I honestly don't think his "conversion" ever would have happened if I hadn't been accepting of him and willing to compromise.
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#13 Old 11-08-2007, 08:16 AM
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I tried to talk my boyfriend of 8 years to go veg. He absolutely refused and fought me tooth and nail. He felt like I was trying to starve him.



One random evening, he curled up with me to watch the movie Meet Your Meat (15 minutes long) on the site: http://www.meat.org . I cried through the last 5 minutes of it. When it ended, he sat up and said, "Well I'll never touch meat again. Not if the animals are treated like that."



He's been veg 3 years now. Maybe your husband would understand your point of view if he watched it. I would suggest curlng up with him and watching that movie.
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#14 Old 11-08-2007, 09:20 AM
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Confrontation only creates resistance and a hardening of position. You're going to have to collaborate and compromise with DH, perhaps far more than you'd like. Maybe you can start with one-dinner-per-week veg and then go from there. Hopefully your DH hasn't heard about the 'slippery slope'.
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#15 Old 11-08-2007, 09:54 AM
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I feel for ya. My Husband is an omni and at times it was difficult. I was veg way before we met so that helped because he basically had to accept it or move on.



There's usually underlying issues with it, I think. J couldn't stand picky eaters, since his sister growing up dictated all the food the family ate. So when we'd go out to eat and I'd have fifty questions, and wouldn't eat much, he'd get frustrated. Eventually we started eating at the restaraunts I know and the problem eased. He then saw what a fabulous cook I was and that particular problem ended all together.



The other issues we ran into was the usual adapting to each other stuff. It was really tough to have meat in the house, watch him eat country fried steak etc. because of the health/ gross out factor. But you adjust.



I would suggest that you let him be who he is and help him understand that you're the same person, but you're passionate about this and need a little help. They usually come around and you'll notice that there are lots of us with Omni SO's. I never held onto the belief that he would change, and I still don't, but at home he eats veg with me (since I cook). He has changed A LOT. It's a personal issue and every couple handles it differently but you two will find your balance



BTW- Welcome to VB!!!
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#16 Old 11-08-2007, 11:04 AM
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You know, I went vegetarian shortly after I got married also, and at first I got really fired up about it and my husband and I argued about it often. Finally I backed off but stayed strong in my own personal conviction about it. It also helped that I cooked all of our meals so he ended up eating mostly-vegetarian anyway, although he still ate meat occasionally for lunch at work and stuff like that. Eventually he ended up picking up my Compassion Over Killing (COK) vegetarian starter guide and reading it from cover to cover while he was at work. That was enough for him. He came to me one day and said that he was a vegetarian now and would probably someday be vegan, although he wasn't ready for it at the time. I was so excited!



That was five yeras ago. Now, we have both been vegan for a year (and so are our kids).



Anyway...your husband is his own person, and there's no way to predict whether he will ever become vegetarian or vegan. But I think the best way to win someone over to it is to cook them delicious vegetarian food and be open to answer any questions about it in a non-judgmental way.

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#17 Old 11-08-2007, 05:56 PM
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Your husband right about now might be wondering if he had married a loon. We here are the exception to the rule. He is with so to speak norm. Just do your thing and let him do his thing. Try not to think about the things he is eating. If you really love him then learn to except him for what he is. This is the major problem with marrages today. Many young people are spoiled and if everything isn't their way they fly the coop. Long term relationships start with understanding that the other person is an individual, seperate and different then you. Don't feel bad just try. I'm sure he is a wonderful guy don't judge him too harshly. Try not to let it into the conversation, if he is fine with your choices, then just let it be. You should just try to be a shining example and keep your mouth closed (shut). there is no argument to be won, only bad feeling to be felt.

I don't want to seem to harsh, forgive me I'm a Sagitarian (alway speaking my mind without thinking about others feeling)
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#18 Old 11-08-2007, 05:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Irizary View Post

Do you feel that this is an issue in which he is simply not educated enough yet, or do you feel that he has enough information on the cruelty to animals in the food industry - but he's not compassionate enough to want to change?



Some people just will NEVER be vegetarian. It DOES NOT mean they "aren't compassionate enough" or don't have enough information. Some of the most truely compassionate people I know are omnis. They know all about the meat industry, they have watched all the movies and read all the propaganda. But they still aren't vegetarian.

There are hundreds of reasons why people choose not to be vegetarian. It's not as if they have a personality flaw if they never go that route.
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#19 Old 11-08-2007, 06:55 PM
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Some people just will NEVER be vegetarian. It DOES NOT mean they "aren't compassionate enough" or don't have enough information. Some of the most truely compassionate people I know are omnis. They know all about the meat industry, they have watched all the movies and read all the propaganda. But they still aren't vegetarian.

There are hundreds of reasons why people choose not to be vegetarian. It's not as if they have a personality flaw if they never go that route.



I agree. I'm incredibly proud of my bf from going from a diet of processed convenience foods and take out to a diet that is mostly vegetarian and whole foods. So he eats a few slices of meat on his sandwich at lunch every day, he still changed his diet completely over the course of our relationship which is really hard to do. Regardless of what people know or how compassionate they are, change is very hard for people.

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#20 Old 11-08-2007, 07:40 PM
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I am wondering what is sparking the arguments.



I used to date an omni, and I had a bad habit of making little comments, and otherwise letting him know I was displeased. It doesn't take much for people to pick up on. I regret acting like that. I have decided my decision to be vegetarian is my decision, and I can't expect other people to make sacrifices because of it. If I want to evangelize, I will, but not to people whose relationships are important to me.



I think it's important to choose one's battles. If marriage is forever, forever is going to be a long time if someone feels they cannot be themselves for fear of judgment.



I don't think trying to sway someone's opinion will work either. As said above, it makes people feel controlled and they will dig their heels in. You can have the meet your meat movies in the house, but I wouldn't bug him to watch them. Hold a veiwing at the local library instead. It would do a lot more good.



A decision one feels they made on their own will stick more than one they feel was made for them or coerced. If one is feeling bad about his health or morals, perhaps channel that energy into doing some leafletting for veganoutreach.org. Maybe he'll still eat meat, but you might change someone else. Maybe on his own he'll have a change of heart. But don't count on it.



I do not like the idea of him not eating meat in front of you. You won't be able to demand that of other people, so why of him, the person you have the most important relationship with? Try to think of a similar situation. Eating together is a huge societal bonding thing.



Lets take something much less important. Say the two of you built a relationship on sitting together on Sunday mornings reading the newspaper. You both really love the New York Times. One day, hubby decides he thinks the New York Times is evil and causing horrible harm. You just don't think it's a big deal, but you are willing to buy two different papers instead of one and be supportive of his convictions. But he then decides he will not even sit next to you on Sunday mornings unless you ditch the NYTs too! But you really, really, really, love the NYTs and don't see the big deal. So you end up reading alone. That would seem a bit odd, wouldn't it?
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#21 Old 11-08-2007, 09:28 PM
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Some people just will NEVER be vegetarian. It DOES NOT mean they "aren't compassionate enough" or don't have enough information. Some of the most truely compassionate people I know are omnis.



Someone who is at all informed about how animals suffer - let's just give it the benefit of the doubt and say on factory farms - who continues to eat those products, is not compassionate to animals. They may be compassionate to their fellow humans, if you want to qualify it (and you'd have to ignore the environmental argument too). But to animals, NO.



Quote:
There are hundreds of reasons why people choose not to be vegetarian. It's not as if they have a personality flaw if they never go that route.



If they know how much animals are suffering for their food, they have other options, and they continue to participate directly in it, then I consider them to be uncompassionate - at least to animals. But it matters to me how people treat those who are "beneath" them. Since you want to put it in those terms, I think that slaveholders had a "personality flaw" too.

"If you want to know where you would have stood on slavery before the civil war, don't look at where you stand on slavery today, look at where you stand on animal rights." - Paul Watson.

 

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#22 Old 11-09-2007, 12:43 AM
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^ Agree 100%



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There are hundreds of reasons why people choose not to be vegetarian. It's not as if they have a personality flaw if they never go that route.

Can you give me a few examples?



I cannot think of one reason an informed person could give for continuing to pay someone to torture animals that isn't rooted in selfishness. And selfishness is a personality flaw.
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#23 Old 11-09-2007, 07:13 AM
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oh. my. god. can we stop with the "omnis are horrible people" argument?



i am entirely in agreement with TnS here. some of the most compassionate people I know aren't veg and wont' go veg. I am, but not for AR reasons or ethical reasons at all. For me, it's all about health. in that manner, I am a bad person, no?



to the OP: be careful if you do have him watch meet your meat with you, esp if things are already a little touch and go regarding veg*nism. I don't want to see you to arguing over an AR video, of all things!!
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#24 Old 11-09-2007, 11:54 AM
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Two words: Gardenburger Ribblets



Show him how good veggie stuff is.
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#25 Old 11-09-2007, 12:57 PM
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i am entirely in agreement with TnS here. some of the most compassionate people I know aren't veg and wont' go veg.

So the most compassionate people you know have no compassion for the billions of helpless, sentient beings that are bred just to suffer and die each year. Congratulations. The most compassionate people I know are a little more compassionate than that.



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I am, but not for AR reasons or ethical reasons at all. For me, it's all about health. in that manner, I am a bad person, no?

No, you're like people who give money to charities for the tax write off - sure, the motivation might be selfish but the charities still benefit. It's a win-win.
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#26 Old 11-09-2007, 01:01 PM
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i agree with TnS. I think it's selfish for any one of us to expect our SOs to change because we have. Or, on the flip side, i think that when our SO changes, it's selfish of us to wish that they hadn't at all. We all change and grow during our lives, and the beauty of a relationship that lasts is that you are growing and changing *together.*

Totally agree! Couldn't have said it better myself

Im a new vegan, and my husband is still a meat eater. He has been very supportive of my decision as he knows that it means alot to me. And I respect that he hasn't decided to make that choice yet, but in the future....you never know .At the end of the day, we love each other very much, and respect each others thoughts and feelings.

Goodluck-you'll work it out
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#27 Old 11-10-2007, 12:28 AM
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I cannot think of one reason an informed person could give for continuing to pay someone to torture animals that isn't rooted in selfishness. And selfishness is a personality flaw.



to play devils advocate, its not that theyre selfish , i think its all psychological. two people can have equal fondness and compassion for animals (on a personal, live bases) but one could eat meat and the other not. there have beena few threads about this. i mentioned on one of them how people i worked with at a sanctuary ate meat, and one woman was talking about cooking turkey just having finished tending to the turkeys.



its a mental block that's built up and reinforced throughout their whole life, and i know from eating meat that compassion for animals and vegetarianism dont automatically go together - though they should
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#28 Old 11-10-2007, 06:24 AM
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Two words: Gardenburger Ribblets



Show him how good veggie stuff is.





Yeah!

Try to trick him one day, it can be funny!!



Cook 'meat' for him and make a salad for yourself (do not eat the 'meat' as it's too obvious) When he is almost done, take a piece of 'meat' from his plate and eat it... He surely will be confused, and then you will say the trick.



Do not do it with cheese, as he will notice.... just meat like "Sloppy Joe" or "Hamburger"
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#29 Old 11-10-2007, 10:12 AM
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Try to trick him one day, it can be funny!!

I've done that! The person had no idea the meat in his tacos was fake, until we told him. He ended up not caring. It was funny later because of the way to soy "effected" him, lol.
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#30 Old 11-10-2007, 11:24 AM
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to play devils advocate, its not that theyre selfish , i think its all psychological...its a mental block that's built up and reinforced throughout their whole life...and i know from eating meat that compassion for animals and vegetarianism dont automatically go together - though they should



Isn't that Isn't that selfishness? What is the precise reason for doing it?



"(I know how much factory farmed turkeys suffer, but) I want to eat turkey because an idea of tradition is more important to me than the lives of those animals."



"(I know how much factory farmed turkeys suffer, but) I want to eat turkey because I enjoy the taste, and that's more important to me than the lives of those animals."



"(I know how much factory farmed turkeys suffer, but) I want to eat turkey because it's more convenient for me to do so than the lives of those animals."



I don't think that the idea of compassion means much when the action one freely chooses *directly* opposes it.

"If you want to know where you would have stood on slavery before the civil war, don't look at where you stand on slavery today, look at where you stand on animal rights." - Paul Watson.

 

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