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Libellula 02-10-2008 10:17 AM

Let's start off with the rules!

Eat to Live VII: Support Thread for Eating Disorder Recovery


Anyone is welcome to join in, but you have to following the rules:

1. You get hugged, regardless if you want it or not.

2. You have to be willing to learn to love yourself, even if you do not right now.

3. Numbers concerning weight, calories, etc are not allowed.

4. Naming-calling yourself will only be tolerated to a point. 1 positive comment is required in every post.

5. You have to be actively working on getting better.

May the day come quickly when we do not need this thread. Until then, this will always been a safe place to land.

Why actively getting better? This is meant as a recovery thread, a place to support people who recognize they have a problem and are working to fix it OUTSIDE of the internet. This is a peer group; we are not doctors or therapists. We cannot help you conquer your eating disorder all by ourselves.

*AHIMSA* 02-10-2008 10:21 AM

Eat to Live VII: Eating Disorder Support

Did "recovery" not fit in the title? 'Cause it seems that "recovery" is an important part of what the thread should be about, right?

piratemoon 02-10-2008 10:25 AM

Nice one Lib.

New Thread, New Start, New Hopes and New Goals. New Us.

Good luck everyone.

Libellula 02-10-2008 06:11 PM

thanks for pointing out my mistake, Ahimsa, but most people posting in the thread know what it's about.

Scorpius 02-10-2008 06:37 PM

Cissy 02-10-2008 07:32 PM

I'll fix the title

Lucious 02-10-2008 07:53 PM

How is everyone doing?

Rock n Roll 02-10-2008 09:13 PM

Hey everyone

I'm currently trying to recover from Bulimia and figured I would make myself known! I am starting treatment on the 18th and really having a hard time. It seems like I can ruin a good day at any time.... it sucks!

*AHIMSA* 02-10-2008 09:22 PM

Originally Posted by Libellula View Post

thanks for pointing out my mistake, Ahimsa, but most people posting in the thread know what it's about.

I could be misinterpreting your tone, but it seems you are bothered by my being helpful.

As far as "most people posting in the thread" knowing what it's about, that's not sufficient. New people or lurkers need to know what it's about too. It's not an exclusive club with a secret or implied language or something, right?

You do realize that not only the people who have been here for a while will have access to this thread, right? Scores of new people will see it too, and since the intent of this thread is to support people in recovery from an ED, I said what I did.

How could my intent and the reasonableness of what I said not be clear? I wasn't "pointing out" a mistake, I asked if the correct title did not fit.

piratemoon 02-11-2008 03:13 AM

Please make friends guys - no one means anything bad. Good to start well, huh?

Originally Posted by Rock n Roll View Post

Hey everyone

I'm currently trying to recover from Bulimia and figured I would make myself known! I am starting treatment on the 18th and really having a hard time. It seems like I can ruin a good day at any time.... it sucks!

Isn't that a horrid feeling? Living in fear that you could ruin a day rather than just enjoying it? I really hope that you can come out of this, as I am sure you can. I know that it is hard, but you are getting help. And that is a major step. What kind of help are you getting?

R, well done for trying. And I bet the skiing was awesome. I love skiing, but being in the UK you don't get much chance to do it...

I've had a scarey, but ok few days. I think if I just keep eating out, the easier it will get. I'm feeling good right now.

*Imparts waves of happiness to the thread in general*

Other positive - I just phoned up a restaurant to take my grandparents to for their 64TH!! wedding anniversary, and the guy was so accomodating about vegan food! See, being vegan doesn't necessarily mean missing out socially. And there is sparkly frost on the lawn, and the sun is out. Sadly, this is spoilt by the fact that the house smells of roast chicken...

Jasmiana 02-11-2008 04:39 AM

Welcome Rock n' Roll. Good luck with battling bulimia; you couldn't have put it better when you say it can ruin a good day at any time. I don't have bulimia as such, but do go through days of serious overeating as a snap back from anorexia and I hate it so, so much. Like I'll wake up and be on edge permanently until I go to bed again, worried I'll eat something I shouldn't. Really, I don't want to wake up at all at the moment.

It's horrible - I can either stick to exactly what I've planned and be hungry (and this is not on a small amount of food; most people in the I Ate Today survive on way less) or eat out of my plan. Then I feel out of control. Then I go nuts and binge because I hate myself for eating so much more than everyone else even on a restricting day. Why am I such a pig, such a bottomless pit? I don't gain weight on what I eat now but I have to exercise a lot to maintain it and I'm so scared I'll just snap as I've done so many times in the past, not exercise enough and eat too much and I just can't take gaining any more weight than I already class this morning was cancelled so I'm home early but I can't eat for another two hours at least because that's what I would have done at class please let my willpower (hah, that's a joke) hold out...

Sorry, I'll shut up with my rant now. Pirate, I actually have to leave the house and go for a walk or something if there's any meat roasting in the house - the smell just never goes away, it gets in your hair, clothes, everything *urgh* Been the same way since I was eleven or so and went veggie...veganism came a few years later originally (excluding my slip back to veggie three weeks ago, but that only lasted two days and I realised I loathed it) Umm, struggling to find a positive today...I suppose the weather is positive; sunny, clear, not too hot or cold *nods*

Lucious 02-11-2008 06:57 AM

Welcome Rock n Roll! I wish you the best of luck in your recovery with bulimia, keep us updated on your progress. =)

Pirate, it's good to hear that you are eating out. That's a huge step to overcome. Keep it up!

Jasmiana, you're not a pig, your body is just telling you that it needs nourishment to survive. Listen to your body, it's smart! I haven't, and I keep waking up hungry.

piratemoon 02-11-2008 08:01 AM

Jasmina - I know. Bacon is the worst for that. Or fish. Salmon. Blech. I can remember my flatmates cooking bacon without warning me once and oh GOD I felt ill.

You aren't a bottomless pit. You are a very strong person to come through all this, and to even admit you have a problem. You are a strong person to commit for such a long time to veg*ism. Remember that. You are special.

Rock n Roll 02-11-2008 03:13 PM

Thanks everyone!

I'm going to a therapist for an evaulation at my State's top eating disorder facility. I really didn't want to go but my mom sort of opened my eyes as to how out of control things have gotten. She's going to learn about me and then tell me what kind of treatment she thinks I need. I'm really nervous about whats going to happen but I know it's for the best.

I'm looking forward to getting to know all of you

vertfluo 02-11-2008 09:56 PM

The new thread is a nice idea, a fresh new begining for all of us!

Hi, Rock n roll! Hope the appointment with that new therapist will go fine.

I want to tell you guys about a positive thing I did tonight: I went to the ed open support group for the first time! It was hard, especially when people started talking about calories. I had never met anyone with similar problems and it felt more like a face to face with my own demons. Half of the meeting I was not even able to listen to what the others were saying because I was too busy with myself, I'll try to work on that next time but I guess it's normal for the first time. Also, there was this girl, she was the only one thinner than me. A part of me felt like a total failure to be so much fatter, but as I kept staring at her, I realized I really didn't think she looked beautiful at all. She looked sick, in fact, sicker than me. Why am I totally unable to connect those two opposite voices inside of me??? Anyway... One awesome thing: I was told my inputs were thoughtful and helpful. It touched me so much. Sometimes I feel my ed is making me selfish because it takes so much place in my head and this place could be dedicated to much more important issues, you know? It meant a lot to see it is possible to use my personal experience for helping others.

piratemoon 02-12-2008 03:15 AM

It IS possible to use personal experiences to help others. it must have been triggering to have a "sicker"/ "thinner" person in the room with you. I still don't like that when I go to my appointments. I don't like looking at anyone else, in case they are thinner than me. But you have to remember that thinner doesn't mean better. Well done for going to the meeting Vert.

Rock and Roll, looking forward to getting to know you too. Good luck with the facility, let us know how it goes.

How are we all today?

biorobotics 02-12-2008 07:09 AM

support groups can be really helpful; both getting advice and different points of view from others, and giving insight to people in similar situations as your own.. it can be a boost, for sure.

i attend a weekly support group, and i'm always so glad when i go.

i've become increasingly anxious about sharing the kitchen with my (extremely!) omnivorous parents; they're always cooking meat and eggs and cheese and milk, and i'm so freaked out by using the same dishes (even after they've been washed) and sharing countertops and so on.

i'm not sure how to deal with it, i guess; i do my best to keep the space clean, but i'm just so paranoid, you know?

i'm definately overthinking my food choices.

i feel very off-balance about what i've eaten in the past day or so; too much fruit yesterday, too much fat today..

but, i am feeling pretty good otherwise; school is going well, and i'm enjoying reading all these books i got out from the library.

Bracket. 02-12-2008 02:31 PM

Hi everyone. I hope I'm allowed in here. I'm really {pleasantly} suprised to find such a support group on these boards. I've been struggling with anorexia since I was just a little kid. Too many wasted years and hospitalizations to count. I'm currently in therapy for it {among other things, OCD etc} and struggling badly. Every day is an uphill battle. Even worse, so many of my friends and family see my vegetarianism as a symptom of my ED. It has NOTHING to do with it, but they won't let it go. My husband is the worst in this regard.

Anyway, I don't mean to ramble on, I just thought I'd come in and see if I can join you guys. <3

Lucious 02-12-2008 07:13 PM

Vert, congrats on getting to join a group! It must feel so fulfilling to help people, because I believe you help yourself along the way. =) Keep it up! You're doing so well. It's great to see that your post was based around your positive experience.

Bio, I feel the same way. I hate it when my parents use certain pots or pans, or cutting boards with meat, dairy or eggs. It just disgusts me to think that there might be residue that I'm eating. I'm even afraid to touch things after my dad eats cheese because I might get some on my hands. You're definitely not alone in your fears. I'm insanely paranoid about getting sick because of raw meat or eggs... my dad once put a bloody fork on the counter and I almost had a panic attack!

Welcome Bracket! Of course you are welcome here, everyone is welcome, and I hope to see you improve as time goes by. You sound like you've been struggling for far too long. A lot of people think that veg*nism is a symptom of an ED, and sometimes it can be out of fear of fat or whatnot, but it's a ridiculous thing for people to think! Keep posting. =)

Scorpius 02-12-2008 08:45 PM

I had a breakdown tonight. First in a while. As in, I haven't cried in, probably....gawd I don't even know how long.

I had a long day, probably drinking too much lately and not eating/sleeping well enough as I have been for the past month factored into it...

...but I called my Therapist ((in lieu of....taking a handful of pills or something)) and my crisis situation was averted.

I just get really nervous this time of year. My last 3 or 4 Valentine's Days were spent either in a hospital or rehab.

Wednesday_12 02-13-2008 03:37 AM

Scorpius- Well done on making the phone call to your therapist. I hope you manage to work through this time. Remember- just because things were like 'xand y in the past few years, it doesn't mean that the same pattern will occur over and over again. You could just be setting yourself up for a relapse if you expect this. Be strong and beleive that you do have the ability to change them.

For me- the bad news= I binge and purged today, which is the first time in about a month for me. I am pretty disapointed in myself, because I am trying really hard to give up, but the good news= I only binge and purged once! Which I am surprised about, because I thought I was gonna have to spend the rest of the day purging my guts out after the relapse.

piratemoon 02-13-2008 05:03 AM

Welcome Bracket - of course you are welcome here! You have to have some sort of support, and if you can find some of that here, then you are more than welcome. I said welcome a lot there, but I can't be arsed to change it now...

R - well done for the effort - keep it up.

Scorpius - I'm glad you called your therapist and managed to avert the situation in a better way. Well done. Just because, like Wednesday said, things have been one way for a few years, it doesn't mean that they always have to be.

I don't like stuff touching omni stuff either. Meh. But I have very little choice in the matter really. I just have to clean pans, etc really, really well. And make sure that my cutlery doesn't get "contaminated". Romina, I think that I'd have a fit if someone put a bloody knife on the counter, omni or not!!!

Wednesday - the point is not that you binged and purged, the point is that you stopped. It doesn't mean the world has to end. You pick up and start again.

Hope you are all ok.

pirate x

Bracket. 02-13-2008 07:25 AM

Scorpius: I'm really impressed with you for calling your therapist. I know that the tendencies to self-destruct when upset can be so strong. Calling your therapist was an awesome step! Good for you! I hope you're feeling better now.

Wednesday_12: I second piratemoon. It takes a LOT to stop the momentum of a binge/purge, and you did it! Well done. Just remember that today is a new day, and that yesterday wasn't a relapse, but merely a "slip". It's like taking a test with 100 questions on it -- you might miss one, but you still got 99%, which is an A in my book! *snuggles you*


I'm currently completely freaking out about the amount of food that is in my house, especially the amount of non-veg*an food. I'm "vegancurious" {cannot call myself full-on vegan yet} and my hubby is an omni, just to give you some background. I feel like going into my pantry/fridge and throwing everything out. Does anyone else ever feel like that? Even the presence of food is overwhelming me today. I don't have any idea how I'm going to eat. *sigh*

I have a question for you guys -- have you ever been diagnosed with orthorexia {or been told you might/suspected you might have it}? Here is some information about it, in case you've never heard of it. My therapist keeps trying to tell me that I have orthorexia because of my vegetarian/veganish diet. I disagree, as while I do eat mainly healthy things, and am quite concerned with that, I do eat stuff that's awful for me, like Diet Coke etc. Anyone have any thoughts on this pertaining to their own ED/behaviors?

Bracket. 02-13-2008 04:29 PM

I know I was the last one to post in this thread, but I just had to vent to people who might understand.

Boys should NEVER talk about food to an eating disordered person. They are too dumb, I have concluded.

I have been doing SO WELL with food today, despite feeling overwhelmed and afraid. I have had a bowl of oatmeal, a bowl of soup, and a few crackers with hummus. That is awesome for me at this stage.

I was talking to my best friend {happens to be a boy} and we were talking about sushi. I was telling him that I was thinking about getting some veggie sushi tonight for dinner. Then, by way of bragging and saying how proud I was of myself, I told him the other stuff I ate today. I expected a "good job" or something else reassuring. He knows all about my eating disorder, he's come to visit me in the hospital for heaven's sake.

Instead I got {and I quote} "Wow, are you sure you're going to be alright with all that food you've eaten today?"

Um. Yeah.

Worst thing EVER to say to an ED-ed person. "All that food." It instantly made me feel like I ate way too much, and that I shouldn't have eaten any of it...didn't warrant it...didn't deserve it.

I'm all confused and upset right now. I know logically that he didn't mean it like that, but it still makes me want to either crawl into a corner, or kick him in the nuts.

vertfluo 02-13-2008 09:40 PM

Braket: I personally don't think it's a boys thing, but yeah, sometimes I'm amazed at how people can say incredibly triggering things without realizing.

Don't let your friend's comment invalidate how proud you were about the great food you ate that day. I hope you ate that sushi and had a great time.

I finally bought a pair of jeans that fit me today. It took hours and it was horrible because I felt ugly and grotesque trying all those clothes that didn't fit. But I know it had to be done. Now I need to find t-shirts and sweaters.

Also, I've been sticking to my new bigger calorie intake for six days. I think I will set a new one for next week.

*Star*Lass* 02-14-2008 04:18 PM

Hi everyone...... nice to see a new thread, although shame about the negative start it got off to..

You all seem to be doing really well at the moment.

Welcome to thread Rock n Roll, and congrats on the treatment, hope it goes well.

Pirate, it's nice to see you're throwing yourself in there, and eating out. It's the best thing to do, and the only way to get used to those situations.

Vert, the ed support group sounds great, you seem to have gotten a lot from it. And well done buying new jeans. I find buying things for my bottom half the hardest part.

Welcome to the thread Bracket, and sorry you've been struggling with this for so long. Whilst i believe you when you say your vegetarianism isn't a symptom of your ed (i know mine isn't either), i'm pretty certain it is sometimes for some people. So i think i could understand why they think that, although they should just drop it if you've explained to them it's not. Also, i think it's impossible to avoid those sort of comments. I get them all the time, little things that will trigger me to feel awful about what i've ate. All you can do is forget about them, they don't mean a thing.

Romina, yay for the improvement!

Scorpius, i'm glad you rang your therapist for some advice. How have you been since?

Wednesday, don't beat yourself up too much. You're trying! Don't let slip-ups get you down, or they will keep on happening. As pirate said, pick up and start again.

Jasmiana, i know exactly how you feel. I used to feel that way, and still do, but to a lesser extent now. Trying to make sure you do everything right, not eating too much, and exercising enough, and it can get really tiring. I used to binge like that, if i'd eaten something and was annoyed at myself for doing it, i'd just go mad, thinking wth, and eat everything in sight.... then i'd hate myself, and starve. From my experience, it's the binges that are making you feel more hungry than you feel you should be. They're stretching your stomach, so you need more to feel full. It's also to do with your perception of what is a normal amount of food/calories to consume. It's hard to get that back to normal, and it will take will power, but you can do it... i did it, and if i can do it, you can!

*Star*Lass* 02-14-2008 04:32 PM

A little bit about my week...

I survived my meals out. Me and the bf went out last weekend for lunch, had a main course, and then a pudding, which is something i don't really like doing, never mind so early in the day, but i didn't care at all. It was a huge lemon treacle sponge with custard, and it was really nice! Monday night i met a friend and went for an Indian meal. We had an appetiser, starter, and main course, and that went well too... no guilt! I didn't finish my main course because i was so full about half way through, but i don't usually eat that much in one go, so that's probably why. I'm just so glad i can detect when i'm full again.

I did get a bit panicky today. I went out with my bf, and we needed some lunch, and were going to grab a sandwich, which i was happy with. But then my boyfriend noticed some people eating fish and chips, and started going on and on about getting some, instead of a sandwich. I got a bit worried about that, because he'd already bought my a cream egg, and i'd ate that, and felt a bit full after it. So i kinda shouted at him a little, and said we weren't getting fish and chips, we were getting a sandwich. Maybe a bit over the top. I know it was the ed talking. But we got sandwiches in the end, and they weren't very nice..... fish and chips would have been nicer!

I'm off to Prague on Saturday for 4 days, so i'll let you all know how that goes. I'm a little apprehensive, because of Poland last year. But i wasn't feeling this positive about things last year. I hope it's ok, otherwise i'm going to be back at square one when i get back.

Scorpius 02-14-2008 07:14 PM

I made my therapist cry ((or at least get weepy-eyed)) tonight. Just for the record.

I must have said something profound.

piratemoon 02-15-2008 04:30 AM

Scorpius, I wonder what you said!?

Starlass - It surprises me sometimes when that voice comes back. But you had been under a lot of pressure with eating out. I flipped a little last night, because I had decided what amounts of pasta we were having at dinner and then when we got back it was increased. It made no difference - I still needed to find more calories afterwards, but I just didn't like it.

Vert - well done on the jeans. I know it is hard to find nice things sometimes. You are doing so well - congratulations!! *is proud*

Bracket - *hugs*. You know what I mean. Keep going.

Me - erm, a little down. Went to my postgraduate open day yesterday. Sometimes I think that I won't be good enough to do it. Sometimes I think no-one wants me to do it. This all happened last year and... I didn't go. So I sometimes just think why bother.

I'm also angry at Mum, for no reasonable reason. I feel like she is treating me like a child. I feel like I am a child. I'm just...angry. I feel like she isn't talking to me, like she is angry, like I've done something. But I have to realise that it isn't all about me. I'm still angry

I feel like I'm eating a lot. At night I have a bowl of fruit and soygurt for supper, even if I know that it is forcing in bulk that will make me ill. Last night I decided that I would have a snackbar instead. And I'd decided all day that that is what I'd have, and then I didn't want it. Even though I knew the fruit would fill me up and make me feel ill, that is what I had. I feel so seperated from my body, inasmuchas I can't seem to make myself eat what my body wants. I'm scared of becoming an "emotional eater" rather than healthy. Eck.

Positive - the course looks really really interesting. And there was a kestral in our garden.

Jasmiana 02-15-2008 12:08 PM

Thank you Starlass! I didn't give in, even though that nasty little voice was pushing me to. It's wonderful to see someone else who's gone through the same sort of thing do something like eating two courses and not feeling guilty or having it turn into a binge. And wow I wish I could stop when I am full, but it's so, so difficult to work out when that is. It's like when I was at the anorexic end of the scale I switched off my hunger mechanism, and now I've gone the other way I've eliminated the 'I am full' signal. If it's on my plate, short of feeling physically sick, I'll eat it *so ashamed*. Some days are easier than others, really. I hate that voice so's like it just sits there and waits until I'm at my most vulnerable (tired, upset) then kicks in full throttle. But I've got to beat it, I have to...

Oh Bracket, people can be so insensitive. Boys especially just don't think of what they're saying/ the impact it might have. Rest assured that what you ate was in NO WAY too much. It was healthy and good and will nourish your body. Please try not to worry about it. When I was at school there were girls who would guilt you out just for eating lunch. There are people like that everywhere, and it's best to try and desensitise yourself from them - they are idiots and are not worth listening to.

Meh, I wish I was still a child. I hate the adult world, I feel there are so many things I should have done, that society expects of me. I feel like such a freak. When everything went wrong with my eating was when everyone else starting dating, etc. I just got left behind, didn't know how to relate to people in that way, still don't. I'm also terrified of one or both parents dying. I'm an only child, I don't have anyone else and I can't function on my own. I'm not emotionally or socially mature, and all my fears manifest themselves through food. This much I know, but I've got no clue how to fix it.

Time to shut up now. I hope everyone else is doing well. Oh, and have a brilliant time in Prague Starlass

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