Eat to Live VII: Eating Disorder Recovery Support - Page 62 - VeggieBoards
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#1831 Old 08-27-2015, 04:30 AM
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Thanks everyone for the great support and advice! I have been avoiding the issue the last few days and juggling stuff at work, but I am really going to have to figure something out soon. I have just over two weeks left. The trip is not free I should mention. I paid over $50 in reservations and reserved a spot at the entry point. there are a variety of entry points into the BWCA and each has only a few allowed groups that can go in each day from that spot. I am going to look into whether any other entry points have openings with smaller water at this point but probably won't have much luck since they fill up months in advance. I wouldn't be able to get all my money back but could get some back. I want to do a camping trip but wish I would have chosen a different route.

Shallot, I hear ya about the cold! That is another fear. I get cold very easily and have always been this way. Back in June I did a 30 mile mountain bike trek and got caught in a downpour in 51 degree F temps and was freezing for days after that lol. Even after hot baths. It's crazy living in Minnesota and never getting used to the cold lol. I'm so sorry about your experience too!

Ledboots, your letter is so touching and made me cry a little. Thanks so much for that!
I grew up in Sweden - and I think that's why cold bothers me so fast. I really know what being truly cold feels like and it's awful. It sits in your bones for days (there's a reason they say chilled to the bone) and you ache with it. It's a lot easier living in the UK - because it never gets really properly cold here in the south.

Also well done on a 30mile mountain biking trek ! That's pretty epic - and yuck cold and wet, the worst!

Is there any chance you could do a camping trip without the canoeing? Fingers crossed you can at least move it to a different route - is there any chance you might be able to switch with someone who wanted to do the longer / bigger water?
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#1832 Old 08-28-2015, 07:15 AM
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Well, this month it has been exactly one year since I got to a normal weight and I have managed to stay there now for a whole year. I still battle with body image almost every day. I still have a somewhat compulsive tendency towards exercise, but try to keep it balanced and enjoyable. I still keep my food choices somewhat strict but try to make allowances and be sensible. I eat around others far more than I used to.
I could have wrote this, it was a year on March 2015 since I reached normal weight. I'm still dealing with compulsive exercise tendency but I'm working on it. I exercise 150 minutes before work Monday through Friday but I use to exercise like that 7 days a week. And I'd work out even if I was really sick, which I don't do anymore. My doctor is trying to help me with body issues and I have to weigh in once a week with her to make sure I haven't lost any weight. I'm staying steady at 113.6lbs, but it's hard.
By the way Naturebound, when I joined yesterday, I saw your picture of you hugging the tree and I thought "this is going to be a great forum"
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#1833 Old 08-28-2015, 09:06 PM
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First of all, to @Naturebound You've been such a support for me here on VB that I feel it's *the least* I can do! I couldn't manage being in your situation. I have no 'words of wisdom' to offer you, but I send you lots of good vibes at the very least!

It makes me kind of sad that I posted three months ago that I'm in a bad place and, three months later, haven't managed to get myself in a better place. :/ I've added little by little, but it never seems to be enough. Truthfully, I'm still afraid to gain weight even though my weight gets crappier and crappier. I start school in a few weeks. :/ I think I can manage adding enough to offset any losses I might experiece by virtue of walkng/thinking more, but not enough to gain. I've been avoiding seeing my dietitian because I know exactly what she'll say: "eat more!!!" UGH. I hate this damn disease. The longer I deal with it, the more hopeless I feel. But I KNOW recovery is possible. I've been able to add back (little by little!) things on my own --without a program of hospital 'forcing me', which is a first for me-- and haven't counted calories for over a week now, so there's some small progress, at least. I suppose small progress I better than no progress??

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#1834 Old 08-29-2015, 02:59 AM
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I could have wrote this, it was a year on March 2015 since I reached normal weight. I'm still dealing with compulsive exercise tendency but I'm working on it. I exercise 150 minutes before work Monday through Friday but I use to exercise like that 7 days a week. And I'd work out even if I was really sick, which I don't do anymore. My doctor is trying to help me with body issues and I have to weigh in once a week with her to make sure I haven't lost any weight. I'm staying steady at 113.6lbs, but it's hard.
By the way Naturebound, when I joined yesterday, I saw your picture of you hugging the tree and I thought "this is going to be a great forum"
Congratulations for your achievements! That is a huge step, to come as far as you have. I know how hard it is too. Every day is still a battle for me too. I lost a little since that post you quoted but only a few lbs and have gained a little back recently in trying to stay healthy for this trip coming up. I too battle with body image issues. It is VERY hard to accept my body where it is. I really dislike the shape of my body and could go on and on about it but I better not. I think if I had more confidence in other areas of my life it wouldn't matter as much. I also fear criticism about my body. Do you find exercise enjoyable as well, does it benefit you as far as dealing with stress? or is it all about control? I find that exercise provides a lot of positive benefits for me but like you at times it has become excessive or a means of control. It is really a fine line. I too used to push my body through injuries and fevers and the like, and I try to listen more to my body now and rest when I need to. Lately I have not been exercising on weekends though occasionally do hikes, canoeing etc on Saturdays. It's also hard when we live in a world (at least the western part of the world) where exercise and weight loss are pushed and valued so much. It's hard to escape hearing about it all day every day from somewhere. As much as I hated some of the ED treatments I went to, it was kind of an oasis from all that too. Most definitely!

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#1835 Old 08-29-2015, 03:07 AM
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First of all, to @Naturebound You've been such a support for me here on VB that I feel it's *the least* I can do! I couldn't manage being in your situation. I have no 'words of wisdom' to offer you, but I send you lots of good vibes at the very least!

It makes me kind of sad that I posted three months ago that I'm in a bad place and, three months later, haven't managed to get myself in a better place. :/ I've added little by little, but it never seems to be enough. Truthfully, I'm still afraid to gain weight even though my weight gets crappier and crappier. I start school in a few weeks. :/ I think I can manage adding enough to offset any losses I might experiece by virtue of walkng/thinking more, but not enough to gain. I've been avoiding seeing my dietitian because I know exactly what she'll say: "eat more!!!" UGH. I hate this damn disease. The longer I deal with it, the more hopeless I feel. But I KNOW recovery is possible. I've been able to add back (little by little!) things on my own --without a program of hospital 'forcing me', which is a first for me-- and haven't counted calories for over a week now, so there's some small progress, at least. I suppose small progress I better than no progress??
Small progress is definitely better than no progress! Everyone's experience is so different with this disease, and it would be unfair to compare ourselves to others here. The fact that you are still trying says something. I admittedly still count calories (mostly in my head and some of it is so arbitrary lol) so I am in awe of you for being able to go a week without doing that! I hope it won't trigger you to eat less though. :/

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#1836 Old 08-29-2015, 03:18 AM
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I grew up in Sweden - and I think that's why cold bothers me so fast. I really know what being truly cold feels like and it's awful. It sits in your bones for days (there's a reason they say chilled to the bone) and you ache with it. It's a lot easier living in the UK - because it never gets really properly cold here in the south.

Also well done on a 30mile mountain biking trek ! That's pretty epic - and yuck cold and wet, the worst!

Is there any chance you could do a camping trip without the canoeing? Fingers crossed you can at least move it to a different route - is there any chance you might be able to switch with someone who wanted to do the longer / bigger water?
So far it isn't looking like any of the above are an option. Today I am going to try the day tripping again with the canoe. The weather is supposed to be calmer and warmer today, but right now there is a thunderstorm and rain going on. It is supposed to clear up soon according to the weather report. Yesterday my husband discovered his truck won't start so after I got home from work last night we had to move the canoe to the top of my car. Well, my car is small and the rack on top of it won't hold a canoe, so we spent three hours last night making a wooden makeshift rack to go on the car that will hold the canoe. My husband is a woodworker. We got it on but it isn't the greatest set up. It just seems like there are so many obstacles to deal with. I just want all this to be over with so I can relax again. And the irony is that these trips are supposed to be relaxing and fun and a getaway from work. I keep trying to concentrate on the good parts of these trips and not focus so much on the work and the fears. Hard to find a balance.

On another note, I just found out that the person who trained me in when I first started and who's job I took over (she left the department for another job) was hired back and will be starting back in three weeks. We have been emailing back and forth and she wants her old job back. Well, I have worked VERY HARD this last year learning this job and building relationships with the cancer center and I am going to defend my position as best I can. I don't think it would be fair for management to give her my work and force me to start over with something else. It was her choice to leave in the first place. So now I am stressed over that too. It never ends. I am really starting to miss stability and routine. :/

Do you guys find that when there is a lack of stability in your life, that your ED gets worse?

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#1837 Old 08-30-2015, 05:15 AM
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Well, I did the day trip yesterday and it went fairly well. It started out cold and slightly windy but not enough to be afraid of. Eventually the sun peaked out and everything calmed to almost dead still and it was such a beautiful route we paddled on! It was mostly a river route but included a lake aptly name Rice Lake. The lake and part of the river were choked with wild rice growing in such abundance and it was so amazing to see wild rice in it's natural form up close and personal. At times we had to push the canoe through thick wild rice paddies and some of the rice itself was naturally chucked from the plant and fell into our canoe as we paddled, and it reminded me of watching documentaries of how the Native Americans go out in canoes and collect wild rice in the Autumn to process it and store it for the winter. I'm going to have to post some video and photo footage we took of all this in another thread. We also saw trumpeter swans, tons of different wild ducks, at least six bald eagles, a few beavers, turtles, snakes, you name it. The water was quiet and filled with lilly pads and flowers and blooms. The area we paddled was in a fire several years ago so the trees were a bit barren and burned in some places and that was both sad and beautiful (the starkness of the trees gave an interesting texture and poetry against the soft river).

We pushed off at 10:45am and got back to the landing at 7:15pm. We paddled a total of 9.6 miles according to our gps unit, but some of that included portaging our canoe, daypack, lifejackets etc of a few portage trails going around rapids. We didn't go as far as we had planned but realized along the way that it would take to long to get to our destination and get back safely before dark. I'm glad we had that experience so my husband could see why it isn't always a good thing to push beyond our limits. I'm glad he listened to my concerns and took it seriously and didn't accuse me of copping out. If we had gone the extra three miles to get to the lake we wanted to visit, we would have gotten back to the landing well after dark.

Also, it was a good chance to test our endurance and strength and so on. Both of us were totally exhausted by the time we got back to the car. We are so much older and circumstances so different than when we used to do these canoe trips. My husband now has rheumatoid arthritis (since 2012) complicated by other problems, and my body has been dragged through years of an eating disorder that took it's toll on me, and I don't know why else we were so tired and I didn't feel all that strong, but I suspect a lot of it was nerves and not sleeping well the night before, and the fact that I worked an eight hour shift Friday, worked out at the gym for an hour before that, went to the store after work, came home and made our food and helped fix the canoe rack for three hours and finally hit the sack at 10pm, then was up at 5am. So I wasn't feeling too fresh yesterday. And I suspect on our overnight weeklong canoe trip, I won't be feeling too fresh before the first day because my nerves will be on edge and again I will probably go potty about six times before we shove off. My tummy always goes crazy with nerves. I'm really anti medication for myeslf, but I am starting to wonder if there isn't SOME kind of antianxiety med or herbal supplement I could start trying in the two weeks before this trip so I can hold food in me and not wear myself out with anxiety.

I'm hoping this day trip will be a good reminder and example of why we shouldn't aim to go so far in when we do our BWCA trip in a few weeks. I don't think Greg will be able to argue too much. He struggled with fatigue too, and while I was not able to carry the canoe, I did help him get it up and I did lift it off the car and so on. He struggled with pain. Even our dog Sable is getting old and she can't handle the constant in and out of the canoe like she used to. We are going to have to make this trip a shorter distance one. Still, I find myself questioning my abilities and wondering what I am doing wrong that I don't have the energy and strength I used to. A few years ago this day trip would have been a piece of cake. And I was a solid ten lbs lighter back then than I am now, and had less muscle. But then I wasn't working full time at a stressful job either.

Just glad I made it through that trip, had a little fun, and now just the big one coming up.

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#1838 Old 08-30-2015, 06:51 AM
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It just occurred to me when thinking about how tired both Greg and I were yesterday that maybe I didn't make enough food to fuel our day trip. Maybe I still don't have a full grasp of just how much food I need (or Greg) for this kind of physical activity. I hope it is ok to post what I made for and ate with Greg yesterday here, to get some opinions.

For breakfast, I made two cups of oatmeal for myself and two for Greg, with a half banana for each of us, some strawberries, and flaxmeal in our cereal. I had a few brazil nuts myself before heading out the door (after doing number two and tummy feeling empty).

For our trip (pretty much the rest of the day), we had the following:

each of us had two cliff bars, two apples, celery stalks with peanut butter, and three small/medium scones each (homemade with oat/whole wheat flour, chia seeds, lemon juice, almond milk, coconut oil, turbinado sugar, baking powder etc). I had a banana from a gas station also, and Greg had another bar from a gas station too about an hour before launching in the canoe.

Does this seem like enough? Greg never has much of an appetite (due to all the meds he is on) so it is really hard to gauge his hunger and what he needs. He is a 52 year old male who is a low normal weight. He always just goes along with what I make and he seems to maintain his weight, but IDK. My hunger levels are often still skewed too, due to stress and so on, and fear of eating too much. I didn't really feel all that hungry after eating all that spaced throughout the day, but IDK. I was ravenous this morning.

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#1839 Old 08-30-2015, 07:06 AM
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Was that for a whole day, including dinner? I would have needed more food. Were you drinking enough fluids, also?
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#1840 Old 08-30-2015, 12:01 PM
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Was that for a whole day, including dinner? I would have needed more food. Were you drinking enough fluids, also?
Yes, that was for the whole day. We did bring along a camel pack filled with water and drank quite a bit of that so fluids were ok. I think I am going to go over the menu planned for our BWCA trip and revise to make sure we have enough food. There will be more cooked types of food on our BWCA trip so hopefully that will help. Thanks for the feedback Ledboots!

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#1841 Old 09-05-2015, 08:03 PM
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Just a quick update. My husband and I talked it over and decided on a different BWCA route than the one we had planned. The more we researched our initially planned route, the worse it seemed. The whole area was burned in a fire a few years ago. All the water is big water which is not our style and scares me to death. And the area is prone to bear stealing food packs. There have been numerous reports of bears entering campsites and bear encounters. So not only would I be worrying about wind, cold, big water, and so on, but bears too! So we were able to find a better route with smaller waterways and more intimate scenery. I am so relieved! The only downfall about this new route is there is a one mile trail right off the bat to conquer before getting to the first lake, which means a long haul of 3 40 lb packs and our 42 lb canoe. But we can do it in increments and there is only one group allowed at this entry point per day so we will be the only ones and won't have to rush so much. Once we conquer that portage the rest will be long narrow waterways and very little portaging. Another problem we ran into. We used to drive to the entry point the night before and sleep in our truck and get going at the crack of dawn. But the truck broke down and needs a ton of repair, so we are taking my smaller car. Well, it will mean no sleeping in the vehicle the night before. We tried to find a motel or campground reservation near our entry point and all of them are booked for next weekend due to some ultramarathon going on. The closest thing we could find is a small cabin 60 miles away. I guess it's better than sleeping upright in the car all night and then starting the day portaging a 40 lb pack over a mile lol.

It has sure been an emotional day for me, having lost my little bird the night before who passed away from old age. I miss him so much! The house feels so empty now, and I keep forgetting he isn't there to talk to.

I made myself put back on a few lbs I had lost for a while to build up strength and stamina for this trip. It's extremely anxiety provoking and I feel so out of my routine with everything lately, but I keep telling myself it will all be ok, this is just all temporary.

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#1842 Old 09-06-2015, 02:45 AM
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Well I had a a bad Friday, I weighed in at 111.8...down everyone tells me I need to eat more but I feel guilty when I do.
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#1843 Old 09-06-2015, 07:56 AM
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Well I had a a bad Friday, I weighed in at 111.8...down everyone tells me I need to eat more but I feel guilty when I do.





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#1844 Old 09-06-2015, 07:58 AM
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Just a quick update. My husband and I talked it over and decided on a different BWCA route than the one we had planned. The more we researched our initially planned route, the worse it seemed. The whole area was burned in a fire a few years ago. All the water is big water which is not our style and scares me to death. And the area is prone to bear stealing food packs. There have been numerous reports of bears entering campsites and bear encounters. So not only would I be worrying about wind, cold, big water, and so on, but bears too! So we were able to find a better route with smaller waterways and more intimate scenery. I am so relieved! The only downfall about this new route is there is a one mile trail right off the bat to conquer before getting to the first lake, which means a long haul of 3 40 lb packs and our 42 lb canoe. But we can do it in increments and there is only one group allowed at this entry point per day so we will be the only ones and won't have to rush so much. Once we conquer that portage the rest will be long narrow waterways and very little portaging. Another problem we ran into. We used to drive to the entry point the night before and sleep in our truck and get going at the crack of dawn. But the truck broke down and needs a ton of repair, so we are taking my smaller car. Well, it will mean no sleeping in the vehicle the night before. We tried to find a motel or campground reservation near our entry point and all of them are booked for next weekend due to some ultramarathon going on. The closest thing we could find is a small cabin 60 miles away. I guess it's better than sleeping upright in the car all night and then starting the day portaging a 40 lb pack over a mile lol.

It has sure been an emotional day for me, having lost my little bird the night before who passed away from old age. I miss him so much! The house feels so empty now, and I keep forgetting he isn't there to talk to.

I made myself put back on a few lbs I had lost for a while to build up strength and stamina for this trip. It's extremely anxiety provoking and I feel so out of my routine with everything lately, but I keep telling myself it will all be ok, this is just all temporary.

Glad you were able to work out a better route and smart not to sleep in the small car! You need to be well rested for such a big undertaking.

And so sorry, again, about little bird.


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#1845 Old 09-06-2015, 11:34 PM
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I felt inspired to give a little update here

Years ago I used to post here because I had issues with my body and food because of my narcissist dad constantly telling me I was fat (while I was perfectly slim) and controlling my food intake. When I went to live on my own I started bingeing all the ''forbidden' foods from my childhood and actually got fat, which made my internalised verbal abuse much worse.

For years I have struggled with my weight and steadily piled on the pounds because if anything I didn't want to be thin because I didn't want to be attractive to men like my dad.

Now since a year I've let go of my dad, and my self image has improved tremendously. The irony is that I am the heaviest I've ever been (250 lbs) but that is also because I've been on prednisone for 8 months now and have got the hormone disorder PCOS which both cause weight gain and all I do is sit around because I've been very seriously ill.

However, as stated before my self image has improved tremendously. I have been able to accept my body the way it is; I might be fat but there's a lot of medical reasons for that and besides I see it as the literal burden I took from my youth. Now I am working on my issues in therapy and have been able to face the problems I had with body image and food because of my past, and I have been able to accept myself and forgive myself for where I am now.

I am being gentle with myself, I have gone vegan and am slowly trying to adjust my lifestyle while not trying to force myself to be radical or lose x amount of weight in x amount of time because I know things don't work that way for me. I'm trying to be as kind and gentle to myself as possible and so far that's going well. I am happy.

I hope I can stay in this place no matter what the scale says
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#1846 Old 09-07-2015, 12:30 AM
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sorry about your bird, NB


I'm glad the trip plans are revised...sounds like it will work out I just wanted to give you the biggest freakin' hug right now! It sounds like things are just out of whack for you, you know? Maybe the stress, maybe the hormones, maybe both...counseling would be great I think.


i feel so guilty for not visiting this forum before now. i get so swept up in things going on. it's been a rough summer here. I "only" gained 17 pounds back. It's been binge-city here. Even has my husband totally freaked out. I get pissed off and I snatch the keys and I'm off to find a drive-thru.


If I could only stop punishing myself when other people upset me. And I have cellulitis again. Feel like a big huge failure. The usual. I guess on the upside is that I found some articles that helped me a little on dealing with emotions...and some tips on using my sensory issues in my favor instead of it being such a *bleeping* curse. I get so mad at the fact that my husband eats like crap and the kids side with him. I feel like I am the only one that cares, and they just want bacon.
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#1847 Old 09-07-2015, 12:34 AM
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Hugs to you, Windigo.


Something I read over the weekend made a lot of sense to me...when our parents didn't support us in the way we needed, is we have the opportunity now to re-parent ourselves. To be kind and forgiving, to be completely unjudging, to tell ourselves we are loved and worthy, to treat ourselves like we would our child. I dunno, maybe self-talk sounds corny, but it really has helped me get a grip on my sadness lately when remembering the awful things from my parents.
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#1848 Old 09-07-2015, 01:51 AM
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Hugs to you, Windigo.


Something I read over the weekend made a lot of sense to me...when our parents didn't support us in the way we needed, is we have the opportunity now to re-parent ourselves. To be kind and forgiving, to be completely unjudging, to tell ourselves we are loved and worthy, to treat ourselves like we would our child. I dunno, maybe self-talk sounds corny, but it really has helped me get a grip on my sadness lately when remembering the awful things from my parents.
Same thing here, it's working for me . I'm glad I'm finally able to let go of the burden.
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#1849 Old 09-07-2015, 04:02 AM
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I felt inspired to give a little update here

Years ago I used to post here because I had issues with my body and food because of my narcissist dad constantly telling me I was fat (while I was perfectly slim) and controlling my food intake. When I went to live on my own I started bingeing all the ''forbidden' foods from my childhood and actually got fat, which made my internalised verbal abuse much worse.

For years I have struggled with my weight and steadily piled on the pounds because if anything I didn't want to be thin because I didn't want to be attractive to men like my dad.

Now since a year I've let go of my dad, and my self image has improved tremendously. The irony is that I am the heaviest I've ever been (250 lbs) but that is also because I've been on prednisone for 8 months now and have got the hormone disorder PCOS which both cause weight gain and all I do is sit around because I've been very seriously ill.

However, as stated before my self image has improved tremendously. I have been able to accept my body the way it is; I might be fat but there's a lot of medical reasons for that and besides I see it as the literal burden I took from my youth. Now I am working on my issues in therapy and have been able to face the problems I had with body image and food because of my past, and I have been able to accept myself and forgive myself for where I am now.

I am being gentle with myself, I have gone vegan and am slowly trying to adjust my lifestyle while not trying to force myself to be radical or lose x amount of weight in x amount of time because I know things don't work that way for me. I'm trying to be as kind and gentle to myself as possible and so far that's going well. I am happy.

I hope I can stay in this place no matter what the scale says
You are such an amazing person! Even with all you have been through you still keep fighting for health and peace of mind. It gives me hope that you have been able to find peace with your body. Thank you for sharing!
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#1850 Old 09-07-2015, 04:26 AM
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You are such an amazing person! Even with all you have been through you still keep fighting for health and peace of mind. It gives me hope that you have been able to find peace with your body. Thank you for sharing!
I posted this indeed because I wanted to give the people here some hope, I've come to a place where I am in peace and the road has been long but it's achieveable. It has taken serious illness for me to realise what is truly important for me, and what I really want in life.

I have been able to let go of internalised hatred because I realised that every minute is very precious for me and I don't want to spend my time being unhappy or reliving my past because of my negative thought patterns.

Ofcourse it is not perfect yet, I have my ''fat belly doesn't fit'' moments, but they're brief and I can remind myself of my real priorities.

I hope the day will come when you and others who are where you are now will be able to embrace themselves like I have. Much love for you

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#1851 Old 09-07-2015, 04:38 AM
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sorry about your bird, NB


I'm glad the trip plans are revised...sounds like it will work out I just wanted to give you the biggest freakin' hug right now! It sounds like things are just out of whack for you, you know? Maybe the stress, maybe the hormones, maybe both...counseling would be great I think.


i feel so guilty for not visiting this forum before now. i get so swept up in things going on. it's been a rough summer here. I "only" gained 17 pounds back. It's been binge-city here. Even has my husband totally freaked out. I get pissed off and I snatch the keys and I'm off to find a drive-thru.


If I could only stop punishing myself when other people upset me. And I have cellulitis again. Feel like a big huge failure. The usual. I guess on the upside is that I found some articles that helped me a little on dealing with emotions...and some tips on using my sensory issues in my favor instead of it being such a *bleeping* curse. I get so mad at the fact that my husband eats like crap and the kids side with him. I feel like I am the only one that cares, and they just want bacon.
I'm sorry you have had such a rough summer too! HUGS I have been bingeing a bit lately too and it is so humiliating and embarrassing. When I am depressed or in a certain spot with my mind, I don't eat much or I restrict harder. So over the summer I had lost back down to 106 lbs from 113 lbs. Part of it too was "punishment" and some fasting. But then as this canoe camping trip has been looming ever closer I got really worried about how to handle the canoe and carry heavy loads and weather the cold and extreme temps outside for six days. I was worried about this particular trip because of the big water and wind and so on. It takes so much more strength and energy than forty minutes of lifting weights in a nice controlled gym. You literally have to rely on your body to get you and all your equipment over a long distance and then still have the energy to find firewood, set up camp, cook/dishes, pump water from the water filter, etc. So I pushed myself to stop restricting and start eating more and allowing for treats etc. And of course this along with all the anxiety with work and with the canoe trip planning and so on seems to trigger bingeing. So now I am back up to 111 lbs and it should be a good thing but I am feeling so horrified, especially about the way it happened. And it happened so fast that I am struggling with clothes fitting and so on. It's confusing too because I am so much more exhausted right now and feel less strong. But I am sure a lot of that is mental/emotional and getting through crises. My husband and I spent hours and hours yesterday repacking our stuff trying to shift the load some between the packs. And it still all seems so heavy. Ugh.

It's hard to live in a world full of omnivores. I am fortunate my husband at least makes an effort to eat mostly vegetarian at home and eats my vegan meals. But he likes his junk food too and I have to compromise sometimes with what vegan food I make to find something he will eat. If I lived alone I would eat differently. Less processed stuff. But maybe it's a good thing he forces me to be more flexible because I might go off the deep end on my own. :/

My Mom came over a few days ago and we celebrated her birthday. And she told me she wants to try going vegan again. She did it for six months a while back. But she eats gluten free and has diverticulitis (so no nuts/seeds/fruit seeds etc) and found it too difficult and went back to meat and dairy. She is obese but had lost a lot of weight when she ate vegan. She gained it all back and then some when she returned to meat. But she is also a binge eater. At any rate, I had mixed feelings when she told me she wanted to go vegan because it was all about losing weight for her. I guess it shouldn't matter, the reasons, but I just feel like using veganism as a weight loss tool is cheapening it. I didn't say anything though. I did ask her how she plans to overcome some of the issues she had before that caused her to go back to meat. She thinks she can handle nuts/seeds if she grinds them to powder and can get some nutrition that way. IDK. I tried to be encouraging of her, but it's hard too when I struggling with my own ED.

I always find it interesting the types of situations we experienced as children. I grew up with a Mom who was obese and was a binge eater. She also worked full time teaching, was earning her PhD, and dealing with my schizophrenic sister who was in and out of hospitals and halfway houses. My parents divorced when I was very young and my Dad struggled with his own profound mental illness so he could not be there much but always provided for us financially. I was the "good" kid who sacrificed her own needs to help everyone else. I kept everything inside and didn't share my feelings. I also witnessed the cruel comments my Mom's family inflicted on her about her weight, and comments from strangers. It horrified me. I felt so bad for her but also terrified of becoming overweight myself. I had so little self esteem and was very shy and afraid of everything. I developed avoidant personality disorder and social anxiety as a means to deal with violence from my older sister and with life in general. I'm still afraid of my sister to an extent. But we have tried to reconcile the past.

It's interesting then how I turned to restricting and exercise and was always obsessed with "healthy" eating and being active. But deep down I see the potential in myself to be a binge eater too. I'm sure hormones come into play, and long term restricting and damage to the body. I never binged until my weight dropped very very low, and then the massive animal like binges started literally overnight. Since then it has becomes more of an emotional crutch than a survival/instinctive thing. At least I think. No matter where I am on the spectrum of ED though, it is still hard to face and deal with strong emotions. Or with conflict and stress. I don't think I will ever be perfect at it and I am trying to let go of that and accept that I have my flaws and am human. My parents are in their seventies now and have been through years of therapy and life experience and they still turn to destructive habits to deal with life. But maybe the habits are not as intense. IDK.

Body image seems to be a separate issue. I feel so enormous at this weight, yet others seem to feel tiny here. I still think I have way too much body fat compared to others at a comparable weight/height, despite pushing myself with exercise and eating as clean as I can most of the time. I hate the way I am built and where the fat lies. It is really really hard to accept my body the way it is. Everything seems to be about image in our society, and vegan magazines are getting worse with all that too. I can't escape it anywhere, even on VB. If you are not athletic enough or eating clean enough you are nothing. If you aren't out there changing the world you are worthless. I know much of this is in my head, not reality, but it is hard to sort out what is real and what is my own negative self talk.

I have used positive self talk to get through tough situations, but far more often I use negative self talk. Sometimes though the negative self talk is so bad I find myself laughing at it right after thinking it because I realize it is so ridiculous.
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#1852 Old 09-07-2015, 05:55 AM
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#1853 Old 09-07-2015, 08:31 AM
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I'm sorry you have had such a rough summer too! HUGS I have been bingeing a bit lately too and it is so humiliating and embarrassing. When I am depressed or in a certain spot with my mind, I don't eat much or I restrict harder. So over the summer I had lost back down to 106 lbs from 113 lbs. Part of it too was "punishment" and some fasting. But then as this canoe camping trip has been looming ever closer I got really worried about how to handle the canoe and carry heavy loads and weather the cold and extreme temps outside for six days. I was worried about this particular trip because of the big water and wind and so on. It takes so much more strength and energy than forty minutes of lifting weights in a nice controlled gym. You literally have to rely on your body to get you and all your equipment over a long distance and then still have the energy to find firewood, set up camp, cook/dishes, pump water from the water filter, etc. So I pushed myself to stop restricting and start eating more and allowing for treats etc. And of course this along with all the anxiety with work and with the canoe trip planning and so on seems to trigger bingeing. So now I am back up to 111 lbs and it should be a good thing but I am feeling so horrified, especially about the way it happened. And it happened so fast that I am struggling with clothes fitting and so on. It's confusing too because I am so much more exhausted right now and feel less strong. But I am sure a lot of that is mental/emotional and getting through crises. My husband and I spent hours and hours yesterday repacking our stuff trying to shift the load some between the packs. And it still all seems so heavy. Ugh.

It's hard to live in a world full of omnivores. I am fortunate my husband at least makes an effort to eat mostly vegetarian at home and eats my vegan meals. But he likes his junk food too and I have to compromise sometimes with what vegan food I make to find something he will eat. If I lived alone I would eat differently. Less processed stuff. But maybe it's a good thing he forces me to be more flexible because I might go off the deep end on my own. :/

My Mom came over a few days ago and we celebrated her birthday. And she told me she wants to try going vegan again. She did it for six months a while back. But she eats gluten free and has diverticulitis (so no nuts/seeds/fruit seeds etc) and found it too difficult and went back to meat and dairy. She is obese but had lost a lot of weight when she ate vegan. She gained it all back and then some when she returned to meat. But she is also a binge eater. At any rate, I had mixed feelings when she told me she wanted to go vegan because it was all about losing weight for her. I guess it shouldn't matter, the reasons, but I just feel like using veganism as a weight loss tool is cheapening it. I didn't say anything though. I did ask her how she plans to overcome some of the issues she had before that caused her to go back to meat. She thinks she can handle nuts/seeds if she grinds them to powder and can get some nutrition that way. IDK. I tried to be encouraging of her, but it's hard too when I struggling with my own ED.

I always find it interesting the types of situations we experienced as children. I grew up with a Mom who was obese and was a binge eater. She also worked full time teaching, was earning her PhD, and dealing with my schizophrenic sister who was in and out of hospitals and halfway houses. My parents divorced when I was very young and my Dad struggled with his own profound mental illness so he could not be there much but always provided for us financially. I was the "good" kid who sacrificed her own needs to help everyone else. I kept everything inside and didn't share my feelings. I also witnessed the cruel comments my Mom's family inflicted on her about her weight, and comments from strangers. It horrified me. I felt so bad for her but also terrified of becoming overweight myself. I had so little self esteem and was very shy and afraid of everything. I developed avoidant personality disorder and social anxiety as a means to deal with violence from my older sister and with life in general. I'm still afraid of my sister to an extent. But we have tried to reconcile the past.

It's interesting then how I turned to restricting and exercise and was always obsessed with "healthy" eating and being active. But deep down I see the potential in myself to be a binge eater too. I'm sure hormones come into play, and long term restricting and damage to the body. I never binged until my weight dropped very very low, and then the massive animal like binges started literally overnight. Since then it has becomes more of an emotional crutch than a survival/instinctive thing. At least I think. No matter where I am on the spectrum of ED though, it is still hard to face and deal with strong emotions. Or with conflict and stress. I don't think I will ever be perfect at it and I am trying to let go of that and accept that I have my flaws and am human. My parents are in their seventies now and have been through years of therapy and life experience and they still turn to destructive habits to deal with life. But maybe the habits are not as intense. IDK.

Body image seems to be a separate issue. I feel so enormous at this weight, yet others seem to feel tiny here. I still think I have way too much body fat compared to others at a comparable weight/height, despite pushing myself with exercise and eating as clean as I can most of the time. I hate the way I am built and where the fat lies. It is really really hard to accept my body the way it is. Everything seems to be about image in our society, and vegan magazines are getting worse with all that too. I can't escape it anywhere, even on VB. If you are not athletic enough or eating clean enough you are nothing. If you aren't out there changing the world you are worthless. I know much of this is in my head, not reality, but it is hard to sort out what is real and what is my own negative self talk.

I have used positive self talk to get through tough situations, but far more often I use negative self talk. Sometimes though the negative self talk is so bad I find myself laughing at it right after thinking it because I realize it is so ridiculous.
Oh Naturebound! Hugs! Lots of hugs. You don't have to do it all - and certainly not all of the time! Take care of yourself.
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#1854 Old 09-12-2015, 04:44 PM
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Have you gone on your trip yet, NB?


Hope everyone is having a good weekend. I had junk last night BUT I did well all week and I am good so far today. Just hungry, ha, but hubby is at the store.
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#1855 Old 09-18-2015, 07:00 AM
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I know much of this is in my head, not reality, but it is hard to sort out what is real and what is my own negative self talk.

I have used positive self talk to get through tough situations, but far more often I use negative self talk. Sometimes though the negative self talk is so bad I find myself laughing at it right after thinking it because I realize it is so ridiculous.
That is the hardest part by far NB; like I wrote I have struggled with that for most of my life too. It's important to realise that whoever instilled those thoughts in you, isn't you. That the real you is a loving force that wants the best for you. Listen to that tiny voice that loves you, and try to let it rule the others.

I know how hard it is, it's a day to day struggle. But any time I think negatively of my body now, I think ''not my thoughts'' harder. For me it seems to work. Being able to discuss these things in therapy helps me too, but so far reminding myself that I am not the person hating my body really seems to help.

I hope this helps a bit! *Big hugs*

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#1856 Old 09-19-2015, 04:20 AM
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Have you gone on your trip yet, NB?


Hope everyone is having a good weekend. I had junk last night BUT I did well all week and I am good so far today. Just hungry, ha, but hubby is at the store.
I just got back from my trip late last night. Thanks for asking!

The trip went fairly well. As I mentioned, we changed our route and entry point only one week before, and I am sooo glad we did! Even the smaller lakes we paddled and stayed on were "big" in some ways. The first morning we did have some wind and it was a little unnerving paddling but we went directly into the wind and while it was hard work paddling against, it wasn't as unnerving as it would have been if we had a side wind or quarter wind at the canoe. Overall we paddled four lakes totaling 5.5 miles one way and we portaged our packs over 4.5 miles one way. We used to go in six lakes/8 to 10 miles but then we never had a one mile portage right off the bat like we did this time. I was proud of myself for being able to haul a 40 lb pack on my back over the entire mile portage, up and down a rugged trail full of mud, rocks, tree roots, brush etc without once having to stop and set the pack down. Then I returned over the entire trail, picked up the second pack, and carried that one all the way across too. I did not attempt to carry the canoe, but to my credit I carried our fully loaded food pack halfway across the portage to help my husband out who carried the canoe across. So three miles total of carrying heavy packs before we even hit the water. By the time we got to Horseshoe lake we were too exhausted to fight the wind to the next lake over where we wanted to go. Horseshoe lake was a long narrow lake with fingers and it felt less intimidating than Gaskin would have, and I am so glad we stayed on it instead. Amazingly my husband didn't argue with me but was happy to stay on Horseshoe also. We stayed on the smaller lakes for day trips and never did go into Gaskin or Winchell lakes which are bigger, but that was ok with my husband too. More than not we did some hiking/bushwhacking behind our campsite way back in the woods and did lots of exploring. The weather was for the most part very nice. The one day that was really windy was when we hiked in the woods instead of paddling. Thursday we had pouring rain off and on all day with fierce winds kicking up for a few hours and then calming down to dead still and then whipping up again all day. When the wind would blow I would go in the tent and try to read a novel I brought along. My husband had put up a nylon tarp and we hung out under that and had a campfire going most of that day too. It was a struggle that day with my fears, and worse because the next day was our day to head out. I was so worried the weather would be that bad on the journey out. There were thunderstorms all day Thursday too, but we still saw several canoes out there on the water. All were big strong men though. I didn't see too many women out in the canoes but did see a few all during our trip. Thankfully the next day was sunny and calmer but still windy, though the wind was to our backs the entire way out this time which was awesome! It took us only six hours to get out and seven to come in so having the wind at your back makes things easier.

The week before, I ate a LOT to try to gain a few lbs and rev up my metabolism to withstand the weather and build up reserves/stamina for the trip, and I am glad I did because I used a LOT of energy out there paddling, carrying heavy loads, pumping/filtering all our water, gathering firewood etc. I had been worried about dealing with cold weather, but I never once got too cold at all, even when the temps dipped into the mid 40s F at night and when it was pouring rain Thursday. I wore rain gear (pants/jacket) all day that day and didn't allow myself to get too wet. I still felt guilty eating every meal, as I always do when I eat more than I am used to, but I ignored the thoughts at least temporarily. It is always easier to eat more when I am out on adventures like this than at home every day. And I ate a LOT. Surprisingly I only gained a tiny bit of weight, and most of that was my face and arms filling out a little. On a side note, part of my eating disorder involves food hoarding. I have this fear of not having enough food which is odd for someone who has restricted her intake for years. So of course we brought WAY too much food on our trip lol. I planned it all and packed the food. We had a large bear proof food barrel full of food and when we were out on the water, we talked to six men in three canoes who had the same food barrel we had and that one barrel was for all six of them for the same number of days! We did have our dog's food in there too but still. It was a bit embarrassing but also kind of funny. We still had it a third full by the time we went home. We did pack for an extra day of food too in case of being wind bound or something.

I am very very relieved the trip is over and we didn't have any problems. I'm not sure if I will do a trip like that again. I still had a lot of anxiety out there wondering if we would be able to get out safely. I also worried about anything happening to my husband because I don't think I could have hauled all that stuff out on my own. I'm also not as outdoor savvy as he is, and not as strong of a paddler. It took a lot out of me worrying and I did have trouble with food staying in me all through the trip as I had to do number two constantly due to my anxiety...and maybe a little because my body was not used to that much food. On the otherhand, I probably lived in the moment far more out there than I do at home, and I feel so at peace out in the woods exploring like a child. Waking up to a gorgeous lake every morning was awesome, and my husband and I had some bonding time, along with our dog Sable. She was terrified of the thunder/lightning, and me the wind, so we often consoled each other .

Another awesome thing. I found a really nice carbon steel knife in the lake someone had dropped, and gave it to my husband. It was still in great shape. Instead of using it to hurt or kill something, he used it to carve wooden spoons while we sat under the tarp by the campfire all day Thursday. My husband is an artist and uses his hands to create beautiful wood projects. He ate almost all vegan with me the whole trip except he did have a few hard boiled eggs for himself. At the end of the trip I asked him how his energy was and he said he felt strong and great and I said, "See, eating veggie all week didn't deprive you of anything did it!"
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#1857 Old 10-08-2015, 10:08 AM
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Hey everyone,

I'm really happy to have found this thread! One of the reasons I became vegan is from watching youtube videos from girls like Freelee the Banana Girl, Earthling Nutrition, and Fruitarian Elle who previously had eating disorders and recovered through veganism (though they follow the very specific HCLF/Rawtill4 type).

I was vegetarian for 9 years, then ate meat on and off when I moved in with my now-husband. I went through phases of disordered eating by crash dieting (eating 700 calories a day for months at a time, fasting, etc) since the age of 17. When I was 18 I lost a ton of weight because I was depressed and sleeping a lot and not eating, my main food groups were klonopin and alcohol. Reaching that weight has always kind of haunted me because even though I know I was stupid thin and strung-out looking I always feel fat compared to that weight.

I got so much healthier and happier since then, but in 2014 I reached my highest weight of 125 and got my first stretch marks ever. This horrified me and I started my crash diet again. I got down to 120 but wanted to be 110. I think 120 is my "set weight" where my body just kind of settles because it's really hard to get below that. I started eating less and less, hating my stomach that stuck out. I exercised every day and did a ton of sit-ups trying to get rid of it.

I couldn't keep up the constant calorie counting and 400-800 calorie days and found myself bingeing and purging. I didn't think that it would soon take over my life and happen almost every day, multiple times a day. My husband found out about it and was very sweet and I promised him to stop. It was way harder to stop than I thought it would be, but once I started watching youtube videos about girls that recovered from bulimia through veganism I decided to try it and surprisingly it worked! I no longer felt guilty about what I ate and reverted to a very simple, whole food plant based diet.

Festival season then started and I spent almost every other weekend at music festivals walking around a lot, dancing a lot, and continuing to eat vegan. It's not healthy, but some days at festivals I could go all day without eating. My weight got down to 115 and I was so happy.

Festival season just ended and I can feel my weight creeping back up because I'm not as active and I'm around food all day. I'm scared that I'll fall into my old habits but also scared of gaining weight. I'm trying to plan my outfits for the shows I'm going to this weekend and feeling fat so today I'm eating fruits and veggies only. I know that recovery is more important that being thin but it's easier said than done.

Thanks for listening and so glad to be here to support you all!
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#1858 Old 10-09-2015, 01:49 AM
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I am in awe of you, Naturebound!
So glad you made it through...awesome job!


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#1859 Old 10-19-2015, 02:50 PM
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I just got back from my trip late last night. Thanks for asking!

The trip went fairly well. As I mentioned, we changed our route and entry point only one week before, and I am sooo glad we did! Even the smaller lakes we paddled and stayed on were "big" in some ways. The first morning we did have some wind and it was a little unnerving paddling but we went directly into the wind and while it was hard work paddling against, it wasn't as unnerving as it would have been if we had a side wind or quarter wind at the canoe. Overall we paddled four lakes totaling 5.5 miles one way and we portaged our packs over 4.5 miles one way. We used to go in six lakes/8 to 10 miles but then we never had a one mile portage right off the bat like we did this time. I was proud of myself for being able to haul a 40 lb pack on my back over the entire mile portage, up and down a rugged trail full of mud, rocks, tree roots, brush etc without once having to stop and set the pack down. Then I returned over the entire trail, picked up the second pack, and carried that one all the way across too. I did not attempt to carry the canoe, but to my credit I carried our fully loaded food pack halfway across the portage to help my husband out who carried the canoe across. So three miles total of carrying heavy packs before we even hit the water. By the time we got to Horseshoe lake we were too exhausted to fight the wind to the next lake over where we wanted to go. Horseshoe lake was a long narrow lake with fingers and it felt less intimidating than Gaskin would have, and I am so glad we stayed on it instead. Amazingly my husband didn't argue with me but was happy to stay on Horseshoe also. We stayed on the smaller lakes for day trips and never did go into Gaskin or Winchell lakes which are bigger, but that was ok with my husband too. More than not we did some hiking/bushwhacking behind our campsite way back in the woods and did lots of exploring. The weather was for the most part very nice. The one day that was really windy was when we hiked in the woods instead of paddling. Thursday we had pouring rain off and on all day with fierce winds kicking up for a few hours and then calming down to dead still and then whipping up again all day. When the wind would blow I would go in the tent and try to read a novel I brought along. My husband had put up a nylon tarp and we hung out under that and had a campfire going most of that day too. It was a struggle that day with my fears, and worse because the next day was our day to head out. I was so worried the weather would be that bad on the journey out. There were thunderstorms all day Thursday too, but we still saw several canoes out there on the water. All were big strong men though. I didn't see too many women out in the canoes but did see a few all during our trip. Thankfully the next day was sunny and calmer but still windy, though the wind was to our backs the entire way out this time which was awesome! It took us only six hours to get out and seven to come in so having the wind at your back makes things easier.

The week before, I ate a LOT to try to gain a few lbs and rev up my metabolism to withstand the weather and build up reserves/stamina for the trip, and I am glad I did because I used a LOT of energy out there paddling, carrying heavy loads, pumping/filtering all our water, gathering firewood etc. I had been worried about dealing with cold weather, but I never once got too cold at all, even when the temps dipped into the mid 40s F at night and when it was pouring rain Thursday. I wore rain gear (pants/jacket) all day that day and didn't allow myself to get too wet. I still felt guilty eating every meal, as I always do when I eat more than I am used to, but I ignored the thoughts at least temporarily. It is always easier to eat more when I am out on adventures like this than at home every day. And I ate a LOT. Surprisingly I only gained a tiny bit of weight, and most of that was my face and arms filling out a little. On a side note, part of my eating disorder involves food hoarding. I have this fear of not having enough food which is odd for someone who has restricted her intake for years. So of course we brought WAY too much food on our trip lol. I planned it all and packed the food. We had a large bear proof food barrel full of food and when we were out on the water, we talked to six men in three canoes who had the same food barrel we had and that one barrel was for all six of them for the same number of days! We did have our dog's food in there too but still. It was a bit embarrassing but also kind of funny. We still had it a third full by the time we went home. We did pack for an extra day of food too in case of being wind bound or something.

I am very very relieved the trip is over and we didn't have any problems. I'm not sure if I will do a trip like that again. I still had a lot of anxiety out there wondering if we would be able to get out safely. I also worried about anything happening to my husband because I don't think I could have hauled all that stuff out on my own. I'm also not as outdoor savvy as he is, and not as strong of a paddler. It took a lot out of me worrying and I did have trouble with food staying in me all through the trip as I had to do number two constantly due to my anxiety...and maybe a little because my body was not used to that much food. On the otherhand, I probably lived in the moment far more out there than I do at home, and I feel so at peace out in the woods exploring like a child. Waking up to a gorgeous lake every morning was awesome, and my husband and I had some bonding time, along with our dog Sable. She was terrified of the thunder/lightning, and me the wind, so we often consoled each other .

Another awesome thing. I found a really nice carbon steel knife in the lake someone had dropped, and gave it to my husband. It was still in great shape. Instead of using it to hurt or kill something, he used it to carve wooden spoons while we sat under the tarp by the campfire all day Thursday. My husband is an artist and uses his hands to create beautiful wood projects. He ate almost all vegan with me the whole trip except he did have a few hard boiled eggs for himself. At the end of the trip I asked him how his energy was and he said he felt strong and great and I said, "See, eating veggie all week didn't deprive you of anything did it!"
Hey Naturebound!

I just want to say congrats on finishing your trip. I took the time to read through this thread and we have some things in common. We are around the same weight and I also have a husband who is not vegetarian or vegan and likes his junk food lol! I also have binge-ing tendencies, in fact I just binged today You are very brave and strong. Hugs
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#1860 Old 10-19-2015, 04:31 PM
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Originally Posted by vegan_glowies View Post
Hey Naturebound!

I just want to say congrats on finishing your trip. I took the time to read through this thread and we have some things in common. We are around the same weight and I also have a husband who is not vegetarian or vegan and likes his junk food lol! I also have binge-ing tendencies, in fact I just binged today You are very brave and strong. Hugs
Thanks! I am impressed that you managed to read through this whole thread, let alone my long rambling posts. I'm sorry about your binge. Those are so hard to break. It seems that we do have quite a bit in common. Is your husband supportive of your recovery? What does he think of your being vegan? I went through an eating disorder program in 2009 and had "family" therapy with my husband and I think it helped him understand a little more. But sometimes he can be so darn triggering and say the wrong things. He also goes all day without eating but will have one big meal a day and I am one who likes to graze on lots of small meals but I always feel so self conscious eating around him and it seems like I am always eating. Sighs. He was against my veganism at first but over time became more and more supportive of it, even helping me with some activist activities.

Both of us are struggling with either a stomach virus or food poisoning right now. He got sick first, last Monday, and by Friday I was feeling sick with abdominal cramps, nausea, diarrhea, and just feeling like my stomach was in knots. My energy went south too, and I still feel like hell today. My husband called me from home when I was at work and said he vomited five times and has the same twisted abdominal feeling I have. This is just so frustrating. I keep trying to think of all the foods the two of us both ate over the last few weeks but it would be impossible to track down the culprit if it is even food poisoning. I rested yesterday but worked overtime today and I am so exhausted I can barely see straight. and my tummy is horribly knotted. Ugh. No matter what I eat it makes me ill, but I have to eat to have enough energy to drag myself to work. And this comes right on the heels of learning a new area of coding at work and suddenly I am really swamped and overwhelmed. I think if I worked 60 hours a week it still wouldn't be enough. :/ Why oh why do I have to be sick now!!!???

In the end, only kindness matters. - Jewel



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