Eat to Live VII: Eating Disorder Recovery Support - Page 61 - VeggieBoards
Forum Jump: 
 80Likes
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1801 Old 05-15-2015, 09:36 PM
Veggie Regular
 
Naturebound's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 4,608
Well, this month it has been exactly one year since I got to a normal weight and I have managed to stay there now for a whole year. I still battle with body image almost every day. I still have a somewhat compulsive tendency towards exercise, but try to keep it balanced and enjoyable. I still keep my food choices somewhat strict but try to make allowances and be sensible. I eat around others far more than I used to.

Life has been a whirlwind over the last year. So many challenges and accomplishments and while sometimes I feel like I am sliding around on an ice pond trying to keep from falling and to fight for balance, I have been far less self abusive than I might have been a few years ago. That's progress right? And falling really isn't that bad when you know how to get up again.

I still sometimes try to imagine what life was like before my ED. Post ED doesn't quite feel like pre ED. But it sure feels different than being in the midst of it. I sometimes think finding out who I am and where I fit in in this world is going to be a lifetime endeavor. I wish I could enjoy the process more.

Anyway, I miss coming to this thread and sharing. So I thought I would reopen the door and invite others in...

In the end, only kindness matters. - Jewel



To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Naturebound is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#1802 Old 05-15-2015, 10:38 PM
Newbie
 
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Panama City, FL
Posts: 17
Well this thread sure feels like home. I've read so many pages, wish I had more time tonight.


I was doing so great and then around the first of May, I've not been doing so well. If I can just be completely honest, I get so pissed off and resentful at "normal" people who eat and don't give it a second thought. My husband cares nothing for his health, he eats whatever he wants. I get mad at him for it, not because I'm judging his choices, but because I'm scared of the road he's headed down with a whole boatload of health problems suffered by his parents, grandparents, and whole family. And then how do I deal with it? Binge! Ugh.


Why can't I just binge on blueberries?
5kRunner is offline  
#1803 Old 05-16-2015, 06:24 AM
Veggie Regular
 
Naturebound's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 4,608
5Krunner I hear you with your husband! Mine is the same way. He can live on oreos and mountain dew. His diet is very erratic and he sometimes goes all day without eating and then makes triggering remarks about how much I eat. He is rapidly losing weight and is back underweight and already suffers with several major health issues. It is very very hard to live with that everyday and he won't eat the awesome vegan meals I make. His family also has a lot of health problems related to diet (high cholesterol, kidney problems, etc). I have to really work hard not to want to restrict hardcore and skip meals when I see him being irresponsible. He can get away with more than I can..right now. I abused my body for so long that I immediately feel the effects if I try to restrict too hard and exercise in the process. I am almost 43 years old and my body can't take the kind of punishment it used to. If I binge even one time in a month it just piles on me and then frightens me into restricting and I have to work hard to stop that cycle and get back on track. I wonder if eating will ever come naturally for me again. My hunger cues are still not fully recovered. It can be very frustrating for sure!

A few nights ago I was upset about something at work and I came very close to purging dinner for the first time in a very long time. But I stopped myself with self talk and meditation. I can't afford to let myself ever do that stuff again, no matter how uncomfortable with what I have eaten or how I feel. I have come too far but my body is still fragile.

Sometimes we just have to let go of what others are doing and focus on ourselves and our own health. And hope that someday they follow but if they don't it isn't our fault. HUGS

In the end, only kindness matters. - Jewel



To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Naturebound is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#1804 Old 05-17-2015, 08:46 AM
Beginner
 
custardpie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Australia
Posts: 121
I had no idea a thread like this existed! @Naturebound I read through a couple of your previous posts and all I wanted to do was give you a giant hug! It's so so so good to hear you are doing much better now.

I used to have bulimic tendencies that I kind of developed to distract me from my anxiety... It's really screwed me over at university in the past. But last year I saw a psychologist who really helped me gain more confidence in myself and I actually started to feel normal again... Which was such a relief. Because for so long I had just felt like a shadow of my former self (as lame and cliché as that sounds, it's so true). I stopped seeing her because we both felt like I had improved so much that I didn't need any further appointments. For the first time in aaaages I actually felt like I had kicked my problems. Well, most of them. I would still b/p once in a blue moon.. But I never saw that as a problem because I never let it get out of hand (lol this would sound ridiculous to a regular person). Anyway, in the past couple months I've been feeling some pretty dark feelings. My anxiety is getting worse, my panic attacks are coming back and I'm trying my best not to resort to my old methods of distraction. My mum goes away for work a lot which leaves me home alone. Which always sounds great in theory, but really it means I have no one to distract me from my negative thoughts. It just really sucks. Really really sucks.

@5kRunner I remember when I used to binge on fruits and other healthy fruits and I'd still purge it. Like, even the healthy stuff?? You'd think I would prefer to at least keep that down!
custardpie is offline  
#1805 Old 05-17-2015, 04:44 PM
Veggie Regular
 
Naturebound's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 4,608
Quote:
Originally Posted by custardpie View Post
I had no idea a thread like this existed! @Naturebound I read through a couple of your previous posts and all I wanted to do was give you a giant hug! It's so so so good to hear you are doing much better now.

I used to have bulimic tendencies that I kind of developed to distract me from my anxiety... It's really screwed me over at university in the past. But last year I saw a psychologist who really helped me gain more confidence in myself and I actually started to feel normal again... Which was such a relief. Because for so long I had just felt like a shadow of my former self (as lame and cliché as that sounds, it's so true). I stopped seeing her because we both felt like I had improved so much that I didn't need any further appointments. For the first time in aaaages I actually felt like I had kicked my problems. Well, most of them. I would still b/p once in a blue moon.. But I never saw that as a problem because I never let it get out of hand (lol this would sound ridiculous to a regular person). Anyway, in the past couple months I've been feeling some pretty dark feelings. My anxiety is getting worse, my panic attacks are coming back and I'm trying my best not to resort to my old methods of distraction. My mum goes away for work a lot which leaves me home alone. Which always sounds great in theory, but really it means I have no one to distract me from my negative thoughts. It just really sucks. Really really sucks.

@5kRunner I remember when I used to binge on fruits and other healthy fruits and I'd still purge it. Like, even the healthy stuff?? You'd think I would prefer to at least keep that down!
I'm so glad to hear you are doing better! Yeah for us! Though I am sorry to hear about your anxiety. I was mostly anorexic but went through periods of bingeing/purging. I think I have experienced almost every area of the eating disorder spectrum at some point, though I was never overweight. Most people assume when you say you "binged" that it is on junk food. But most of my binges, especially the ones after I went vegan, were on healthy stuff, just enormous amounts of it in a very short time and mine were never planned. There were warning signs one was coming though. At any rate I binged on fruits, whole seed grains, entire cans of plain beans, homemade whole wheat bread, pumpkin seeds, almond butter, tahini right out of the jar, raw oats, cans of tomato paste. I would be so sick from those. Ugh. It was always the low calorie but high fiber/bulky stuff that would trigger me to purge due to the feeling of fullness and other details I won't share. I don't think it is that unusual. At least to us lol.

Being alone with anxiety is tough. I hear ya! I have been alone all day today at home. I have been keeping very busy though catching up on projects. I just finished cleaning out my closet. I got rid of two trash bags full of clothes. I finally got rid of my tiny clothes as well as my higher weight ones. I hung on to all that for six years and would drag my small clothes out over and over and pack them away again and again as my weight went up and down the scale. I am fairly certain at this point I never want to get that sick again and I am just tired of hanging on to that stuff. Still it was emotional and hard. But I also found clothes I had forgotten I had and some really cute stuff too that actually fits RIGHT NOW.
Projects are a great distraction. Something that doesn't require too much deep thought but feels satisfying. I used to make jewelry years ago. Or walk to a coffee shop or park and read a good biography to get away from the house for a while. I am one that needs alone time and yet it is a struggle with anxiety and not always trusting myself to be alone at home. Just knowing others understand helps too!
no whey jose and 5kRunner like this.

In the end, only kindness matters. - Jewel



To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Naturebound is offline  
#1806 Old 05-18-2015, 03:41 AM
Beginner
 
custardpie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Australia
Posts: 121
Quote:
Originally Posted by Naturebound View Post
Projects are a great distraction. Something that doesn't require too much deep thought but feels satisfying. I used to make jewelry years ago. Or walk to a coffee shop or park and read a good biography to get away from the house for a while. I am one that needs alone time and yet it is a struggle with anxiety and not always trusting myself to be alone at home. Just knowing others understand helps too!
Yep, I feel that. And I agree, projects and other activities are a good idea. I love crocheting amigurumi, reading, hiking... But I struggle to justify spending time on these things when I really should be studying the majority of the time. However it's my studying that leads to anxious feelings.. which lead me to food. Ah, so tragic.

Well done on getting rid of those clothes! That would have been super hard.. But did you feel a bit of relief after you did it? A bit of weight lifted off your shoulders? I really hope you did. I hope you felt (or eventually feel) a sense of peace at having gotten rid of all that baggage. And yay for rediscovering cute clothes That makes me think of how we have an ironing pile at home in the linen cupboard that never gets attended to.. So I like to go look through it every now and then to rediscover any favourites I had forgotten about hahah!

Just the other day I threw out an unopened 1.25L bottle of soda water that had been sitting in the back seat of my car for over a year, in case of an 'emergency'... If it's been sitting there for that long without me needing it, it's probably a good indication that I was ready to throw it out anyway.
custardpie is offline  
#1807 Old 05-18-2015, 04:12 AM
Veggie Regular
 
Naturebound's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 4,608
I did feel some relief in getting rid of those clothes. But also some anxiety. I am really struggling with accepting my body right now, and much of it is related to hormones. I'll get to that in a minute. I lost my ovaries and uterus nine years ago at a young age and it put me in surgical menopause which was a shock to my system and hard on my psyche. That is what triggered the start of my eating disorder. I had so many symptoms and side effects of losing important hormones, and it took three years of hell to find any hormone replacement my young body would absorb correctly. Before then I never dieted in my life and I was 33 years old. I didn't think much about food other than that most dairy made me acutely ill so I had avoided that, and with endometriosis most heavy greasy meats and other foods would aggravate my pain so I had avoided those. But food was not a weapon of control until much later.

A few months ago they came out with a generic version of the hormone patch I have been on for seven years. That brand name patch is the ONLY thing my body will absorb evenly and enough of. I went through almost everything else except premarin (I couldn't take something made with horse urine even as an omnivore). I even worked with a compounding pharmacy that did bioidentical hrt. and I went to a naturopathic doc who put me on a basically paleo diet (didn't know that was what it was at the time) due to chronic yeast infections (just one of many many side effects of losing my ovaries and hormone imbalance). I was put on a strict yeast and sugar free diet...no fruit, only nonstarchy vegetables, only nuts/seeds without skins, only fresh meat (not cured), no dairy, no bread, only gluten free pseudo grains like quinoa or buckwheat groats were allowed. No canned foods, no vinegar. The list goes on . It was the catalyst to my anorexia in 2006. I learned through manipulating food intake that I could control the hormone mess. And later learned through massive weight loss that I could effectively kill any feeling in my breasts or elsewhere and be totally androgynous. Long story.

At any rate, a few months ago the time frame for a generic for the hormone replacement I am on came up and of course my brand name prescription went way up in price so my copay would be $60. The generic is $20 per month with copay. I knew this would happen eventually. My insurance will not cover the brand name anymore. I started the generic and over the last two months have had dull headaches, extreme bloating, more anxiety and depression, and some slight weight gain. All of it is freaking me out. I went to see my doctor a month ago for a checkup and she was so pleased at how much healthier I look than last time she saw me a year ago. But I sobbed in her office and told her about what was happening. She didn't know if she could get the cost down on my brand name hrt so I could get back on it, but was going to check into it and I haven't heard back. I just don't feel like myself anymore on this generic. It's hard though to sort out what is that and what is anxiety from a new job I started last Fall that is still a tremendous challenge. I graduated from college a year ago and landed this job last September coding chemotherapy cancer patient accounts for a medical complex. I went from the swimming pool to jumping straight into the fire lol. I had all of two weeks of training and have been on my own figuring out complex cancer cases and very high dollar chemo charges and I have made some mistakes along the way and it is causing me utter panic. Like you, I feel guilty when I don't come home and pour over studying coding and trying to figure out some billing situations that no one at work seems to understand. Even my supervisor/mangers are not familiar with cancer coding because it used to be done in a separate department but was merged with the coding department. I have one backup who has some clue about it but she lives 100 miles away and is only available through email for questions. She won't give out her phone number. :/ it's insane. The guilt drives me wild sometimes but I am so exhausted by the time I get home from that job plus cycling to work and the gym before work every day that I have no energy left to study. I could exercise less to fit more in but I would just feel guilty then too. I TOTALLY get that anxiety about studying thing going on. I have no idea how I made it through three years of college because I was THICK in my eating disorder through most of that. I never want to repeat that nightmare again lol. I really feel for you!
leedsveg likes this.

In the end, only kindness matters. - Jewel



To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Naturebound is offline  
#1808 Old 05-19-2015, 09:27 AM
Beginner
 
custardpie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Australia
Posts: 121
@Naturebound oh my goodness, you have seriously been through the wars. I find it interesting that the generic version is causing you so many issues. I always thought generic versions were mostly identical to the brand name except for very slight differences in molecular structure, too slight to really be considered different. I guess obviously I'm wrong! All of those side effects sound terrible.. Do you think there's any chance that it's your body adjusting to the new patch? Or would it have adjusted by now? Definitely call your doctor back to see if she can get the price down! She probably has just been too busy to call you or whatever. I hope you find a solution, it all sounds super frustrating!

And to have all of this going one while you have a super stressful job as well? How do you even do it And I'm kind of a little shocked that with the incredible importance of your job, there's barely any support??

lol I just watched a youtube video of someone explaining chemotherapy coding and it made no sense to me.. Almost like she was speaking another language!
custardpie is offline  
#1809 Old 05-19-2015, 01:42 PM
Veggie Regular
 
Scorpius's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Pluto (the planet)
Posts: 6,741
I'm glad/not glad this thread has been revived, as the support I've gotten here around my ED has helped me a lot over the years.

I'm in a weird spot right now. This is the first year in 5 years that I haven't been hospitalized. I feels so good, but yet I'm still in this weird middle ground with regards to my weight and behaviors. My mood has been good, but irritability has been creeping up on me, especially around food things. I'm experiencing a lot of ambivalence around weight gain, which I know will have to happen in order for me to stay out of the hospital. My biggest fear is getting really ill over the next few months and having cognitive decline come Fall, when I got back to school 5 days a week (with some tough classes). But I don't want to gain weight or eat more.

So I'm in this weird spot right now.

"you know, nowhere in the bible does it say that jesus was not a raptor"


www.animal-adoptions.org

Scorpius is offline  
#1810 Old 05-19-2015, 07:09 PM
Veggie Regular
 
Naturebound's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 4,608
Quote:
Originally Posted by custardpie View Post
@Naturebound oh my goodness, you have seriously been through the wars. I find it interesting that the generic version is causing you so many issues. I always thought generic versions were mostly identical to the brand name except for very slight differences in molecular structure, too slight to really be considered different. I guess obviously I'm wrong! All of those side effects sound terrible.. Do you think there's any chance that it's your body adjusting to the new patch? Or would it have adjusted by now? Definitely call your doctor back to see if she can get the price down! She probably has just been too busy to call you or whatever. I hope you find a solution, it all sounds super frustrating!

And to have all of this going one while you have a super stressful job as well? How do you even do it And I'm kind of a little shocked that with the incredible importance of your job, there's barely any support??

lol I just watched a youtube video of someone explaining chemotherapy coding and it made no sense to me.. Almost like she was speaking another language!
Thanks! Yeah, I am hoping that my body eventually adjusts to this new patch but I don't know, I have been hotflashing all day yesterday and today. I am worried my body is not absorbing this patch. The hormone may be the same but the patch mechanism for getting it into the body might be different. This patch seems thicker than the Vivelle Dot I was on.

It is really shocking how little training I got for the expensive charges I code and how complicated it can get. I have gotten more support by constantly calling and emailing the pharmacists at the cancer center and the manager of the nurses over there. If nothing else they have been able to help me a lot with all the cancer drugs/j codes and some billing/medical necessity issues and documentation in the medical record. The person who trained me in left the department to go over to the cancer center and work in the finance department. She had put in her two week notice the same day I started. Ironically, I did my internship in that department in 2013 and mostly with her so I had at least some idea what I was getting myself into lol. I can still email her from time to time but she is not as accessible now that she works a different position. I'm scared the Cancer pharmacy director is going to get sick of me real soon lol. He has been incredibly generous with his time in helping me understand chemotherapy drugs and how they are billed. It's funny because all my training and schooling was in hospital coding and health information management, and the job I have is ambulatory professional clinic coding. It is so completely different. I am the only one in my department with the RHIT certification while my coworkers all have CPC certifications. The coders on the hospital side all have the RHIT. I signed a two year contract which gave me a bonus but I have to stay in this position for that long. Once that is up, the first opening for a hospital coding position I am thinking about applying! I really feel like my training in school would serve me better over there. However, the more I have been involved in cancer coding and the more I have worked with the cancer department the more I love it! They are so incredibly dedicated to their work. I am also thinking about moving on to Cancer Registry somewhere down the line. I can do that with my RHIT certification. From the start of schooling, the cancer area has fascinated me, even if it is overwhelming. I suck at math and I have to figure out dosages and bill for waste vials too and by the end of the day my head is swimming. Many of the patients who get treated come back again and again for their chemo, and you learn so much about them when you have to read their cases everyday. And then when you make a mistake and they get charged for something because of you and they come in upset because they certainly have enough to deal with, it is heartbreaking and you just feel awful and like you really let them down. It hasn't happened too often but a few times it has. Everyone should have a learning curve, but what do you do when it affects people's livelihood and you are learning as you go? It's tricky to learn a new job like this on the fly. I feel horrendous guilt every day, like I should be doing more, learning more, working harder. The first few months I spent hours and hours after work researching cancer related issues and soaking in everything I could. Now I am just exhausted when I come home.

Sorry to go on and on about that. It's just a big deal for me right now. I make very good money compared to my life up to now lol, but the stress is a lot for me. It is my first real professional type job. Ironically it has kept me from slipping back into old ways because I absolutely need all the brain power and fuel I can allow myself to function enough to do this job.

In the end, only kindness matters. - Jewel



To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Naturebound is offline  
#1811 Old 05-19-2015, 07:21 PM
Veggie Regular
 
Naturebound's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 4,608
Quote:
Originally Posted by Scorpius View Post
I'm glad/not glad this thread has been revived, as the support I've gotten here around my ED has helped me a lot over the years.

I'm in a weird spot right now. This is the first year in 5 years that I haven't been hospitalized. I feels so good, but yet I'm still in this weird middle ground with regards to my weight and behaviors. My mood has been good, but irritability has been creeping up on me, especially around food things. I'm experiencing a lot of ambivalence around weight gain, which I know will have to happen in order for me to stay out of the hospital. My biggest fear is getting really ill over the next few months and having cognitive decline come Fall, when I got back to school 5 days a week (with some tough classes). But I don't want to gain weight or eat more.

So I'm in this weird spot right now.
It's good to see you on Veggieboards again Scorpio! And congratulations on staying out of the hospital! That is HUGE! I have been in your place and I know how tough a place that is. I can't say I am fully recovered mentally, although I am weight restored (at least at a normal weight range). I hope you can keep the positive momentum going and be strong and healthy for school! Even if you take it in little bits. Gain just a little, stay there a while and get used to it, gain a little more etc. That's how I did it, very slowly over a long period of time, like several years, instead of all at once. When you are ready, you will know. I do still find it really hard to live in this new body, but it has it's advantages (I made it a whole year without a single cold for instance). Weight gain is never an easy battle to handle. For me, I had to feel a sense of control even in recovery. But I still moved forward, just slowly. From your posts on VB you seem like a very intelligent and caring individual. I hope that you can see your recovery as something positive and rewarding. Can I ask what you are going to school for?

In the end, only kindness matters. - Jewel



To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Naturebound is offline  
#1812 Old 05-21-2015, 02:10 AM
Newbie
 
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Panama City, FL
Posts: 17
Selfish venting here.

So I think I'm having a good week as far as eating. Haven't had any bad cravings or freaking out on food. I feel like having one of those posters up "4 days since last binge" or something, like it's funny but it's not.

Hubby agreed to try what I made last night...just some chili over brown rice. Not very inventive, but I was tired. He didn't like it. Not really a shocker I guess. No salt, no fat, just beans, veggies, rice, corn, green chilies.

I seem less hungry during the last few days, and I still feel myself thinking I should just wait to eat and not eat until dinner. Can't shake that habit of limiting calories (see, I do this and then I end up bingeing).

Kind of depressed from seeing pics of myself from the 5k on Saturday. I've lost a lot of weight, and I'm still huge. That's depressing. And I am just having a hard time today after a friend-of-a-friend's hunting photos popped up on my newsfeed on facebook. I feel like I am way too emotionally fragile to deal with life sometimes. And I don't understand how others find it so easy to turn a cheek.

I'm just in a slump today, I think it's because I'm tired. So no pushing the exercise until I am okay again. I painted today, for the first time in a couple of years. Apparently my oil pastels were junked up and I messed up the painting at first. So it's flawed. Perfectly, wonderfully flawed, and I love it. Going to order a frame for it.

My older kids (teenagers) will be home in a few weeks. They live with their dad during the school year. I'm over the moon excited about them coming, but dreading the added stress (sibling fights) and being around trigger foods and wondering how I will make it through the summer.

Last edited by 5kRunner; 05-21-2015 at 02:11 AM. Reason: spacing was all weird. lol
5kRunner is offline  
#1813 Old 06-29-2015, 12:40 AM
Newbie
 
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Panama City, FL
Posts: 17
Is anyone still reading this forum? I don't even know if it's okay to post this, but I figured someone here might understand this problem.


My apologies in advance for this being so long...I am so distraught over this.


I have a hobby which I love that involves my dog and I can't do it without a club or training group. Except there is a member (at the only local club) that is a total b*tch and a bully. She is one of those people that everyone follows and brown-noses and I never understand why because she is mean, and this is seriously like high school. Worse than high school actually, because I should be a functioning adult and not let some b-word and her followers (also club members) deter me from going to training. Right?


But I can't. I have forced myself to go many times. It always ends up in me crying in my car and bingeing afterward. I can't handle it. My dog isn't 100% suitable for the work I want to do, so the whispers and criticizing while I am out in front of people working her is overwhelming. Especially when it is embarrassing that she really isn't suitable and we keep trying to tough it out and do what we can. I will end up crying if things don't go well. The only time I am okay and I can deal is when this b-word isn't there, then it is a little better. I still don't think I can ever trial her (my dog), so part of me is just like, wtf is the point of putting myself through this. I can't handle the nerves anymore and I am so afraid of getting frustrated in front of those judgmental a-holes that I WILL cry and then they will probably grab video on their phones and plaster me all over facebook.


Besides stupid passive-aggressive remarks on social media, she and her "group" have joined some of the vegan groups on Facebook that I am a member of, and they are always posting anti-vegan remarks, especially when they gather to have a goat roast - no kidding, they kill a goat and barbeque it. So horrifying. I. Can't. Even... this is "fun" to them. Wtf is wrong with people. And they pick on ME. I don't understand. I just want to live a peaceful, nonviolent life. I don't bother other people (I feel like I'm bothering people right now by posting this).
In person, I try to make sure I appear completely unaffected and polite to everyone and try not to feed their negativity in any way, but this just kills me. This crap and stress isn't worth taking my dog out to the club anymore. But I feel like I am quitting and I hate that too. I feel happy when I think of just unfriending every club member and never going out there again. My dog actually hurt her toe and we have not gone out in two weeks. It's been nice! But, I need to go back out next weekend...and the stress is back.


"I can't adult" and I don't know what to do. Saying anything about the b-word being a bully would probably make her day that I noticed her stupid remarks and I don't want to go that route. Obviously I can't just punch her in the mouth. I wouldn't anyway, I would never. But the thought is entertaining
leedsveg likes this.

Last edited by 5kRunner; 06-29-2015 at 12:42 AM.
5kRunner is offline  
#1814 Old 06-29-2015, 03:20 AM
Veggie Regular
 
Naturebound's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 4,608
Quote:
Originally Posted by 5kRunner View Post
Is anyone still reading this forum? I don't even know if it's okay to post this, but I figured someone here might understand this problem.


My apologies in advance for this being so long...I am so distraught over this.


I have a hobby which I love that involves my dog and I can't do it without a club or training group. Except there is a member (at the only local club) that is a total b*tch and a bully. She is one of those people that everyone follows and brown-noses and I never understand why because she is mean, and this is seriously like high school. Worse than high school actually, because I should be a functioning adult and not let some b-word and her followers (also club members) deter me from going to training. Right?


But I can't. I have forced myself to go many times. It always ends up in me crying in my car and bingeing afterward. I can't handle it. My dog isn't 100% suitable for the work I want to do, so the whispers and criticizing while I am out in front of people working her is overwhelming. Especially when it is embarrassing that she really isn't suitable and we keep trying to tough it out and do what we can. I will end up crying if things don't go well. The only time I am okay and I can deal is when this b-word isn't there, then it is a little better. I still don't think I can ever trial her (my dog), so part of me is just like, wtf is the point of putting myself through this. I can't handle the nerves anymore and I am so afraid of getting frustrated in front of those judgmental a-holes that I WILL cry and then they will probably grab video on their phones and plaster me all over facebook.


Besides stupid passive-aggressive remarks on social media, she and her "group" have joined some of the vegan groups on Facebook that I am a member of, and they are always posting anti-vegan remarks, especially when they gather to have a goat roast - no kidding, they kill a goat and barbeque it. So horrifying. I. Can't. Even... this is "fun" to them. Wtf is wrong with people. And they pick on ME. I don't understand. I just want to live a peaceful, nonviolent life. I don't bother other people (I feel like I'm bothering people right now by posting this).
In person, I try to make sure I appear completely unaffected and polite to everyone and try not to feed their negativity in any way, but this just kills me. This crap and stress isn't worth taking my dog out to the club anymore. But I feel like I am quitting and I hate that too. I feel happy when I think of just unfriending every club member and never going out there again. My dog actually hurt her toe and we have not gone out in two weeks. It's been nice! But, I need to go back out next weekend...and the stress is back.


"I can't adult" and I don't know what to do. Saying anything about the b-word being a bully would probably make her day that I noticed her stupid remarks and I don't want to go that route. Obviously I can't just punch her in the mouth. I wouldn't anyway, I would never. But the thought is entertaining
Hi 5KRunner,

I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time and having to deal with such awful people! I don't know what I would do in your situation, but I would probably stop going too. It sounds like this club is making you more miserable than having any benefit for you or your dog, so maybe it is best for your health and sanity. It does not make you a quitter or a bad person. Maybe there are other events or ways you could spend with your dog. Also, are there private lessons for this sort of training you could try?

It's really frustrating and really a shame that there is someone at that club who is a bully and is ruining your experience. I'm really sorry. I have had that happen to me too. I had an experience like that a few months ago at work being bullied by someone and didn't handle it too well myself, but eventually I did stand up to the person and it felt so good. I couldn't do it at first because I was too upset. I had to be in a better frame of mind. It's never a good idea to confront someone when in an emotional state. Sometimes it's best just to walk away and not deal with the other person/people at all.

I hope things get better for you! I do still read this subforum and have thought about posting here numerous times but I never seem to. In some ways my self esteem is still very much tied to my eating disorder and body image etc and when things are stressful or there is some huge conflict I have to work out, well, you know, I battle with the ED too. Hang in there and just know you are not alone!
leedsveg likes this.

In the end, only kindness matters. - Jewel



To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Naturebound is offline  
#1815 Old 06-30-2015, 01:50 PM
Newbie
 
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Panama City, FL
Posts: 17
Thanks for the reply So glad you are still here! I usually end up reading posts and staying in lurkmode. Please do post more


I was doing so well on eating, then I'd get mad at eat something I shouldn't. I don't know why I take it out on myself. I get mad and resentful because of other people, and I just want to let it go and I don't know how. How can people be so detached from their food? Ugh, they don't care.


It has been so stressful lately. Taking care of myself shouldn't be so hard, should it? LOL, being an adult is hard!! I have not lost weight in two months. 1 day of eating poorly undoes the rest of the week's eating well.


I remember you posting about when you stood up to your co-worker, that's what made me think of coming here to post. I felt comfort in knowing someone else understood. I feel so squishy all the time, I wish I could be tougher. I saw some meme a while back about how being oversensitive was my superpower, and I really liked that, but it is a curse at other times.
5kRunner is offline  
#1816 Old 06-30-2015, 08:51 PM
Veggie Regular
 
Naturebound's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 4,608
Quote:
Originally Posted by 5kRunner View Post
Thanks for the reply So glad you are still here! I usually end up reading posts and staying in lurkmode. Please do post more


I was doing so well on eating, then I'd get mad at eat something I shouldn't. I don't know why I take it out on myself. I get mad and resentful because of other people, and I just want to let it go and I don't know how. How can people be so detached from their food? Ugh, they don't care.


It has been so stressful lately. Taking care of myself shouldn't be so hard, should it? LOL, being an adult is hard!! I have not lost weight in two months. 1 day of eating poorly undoes the rest of the week's eating well.


I remember you posting about when you stood up to your co-worker, that's what made me think of coming here to post. I felt comfort in knowing someone else understood. I feel so squishy all the time, I wish I could be tougher. I saw some meme a while back about how being oversensitive was my superpower, and I really liked that, but it is a curse at other times.
I know what you mean! I am VERY sensitive, and in some ways this is a good thing. The world needs more of us. I feel a lot of empathy towards others, all species. But it can be a challenge too, because it is hard to filter the world around me. I absorb everything like a sponge. I think I have gotten stronger over the years but I still struggle.

Eating still does not come totally naturally to me either. I plan out and follow my own meal plan (you don't even want to know how many months ahead I plan for too lol) because it is scary for me to be spontaneous or make on the spot decisions about food, but I make room for a little spontaneity too here and there to challenge myself from time to time. I used to see an eating disorder dietician for years so I have experience with meal planning. I marvel at how before my ED I just ate whatever I was in the mood for and didn't plan ahead much. I worked for years with that dietician trying to undue my meal planning and be more spontaneous but it was extremely overwhelming. I still don't feel ready for that yet.

I just spent over an hour on the phone with my sister trying to calm her down from a panic attack. My sister has paranoid schizophrenia and she is constantly worrying and obsessing about stuff to the point of making it way bigger than it is and making herself sick. I just don't know how to help her and it's frustrating. And I am tired myself after a long day of work.

I have wanted to write because I still struggle so terribly with my body image, and sometimes that struggle grows louder than other times and I can't ignore it. I sometimes feel so hideous and I just want to hide and I just want it all off right now. That voice of torment is always there and usually I can ignore it to an extent but some days I just can't. But I remember when I suffered so much before and I remember my bad bones and how hard I have worked to help myself and I want a future...and some nights I feel like I am being torn in two between these two sides of myself. Self destruction is how I have coped with life for so many years. Before the ED it was alcohol. And cutting and cigarettes. And I think I have my own bit of paranoia that I battle. I could swear people are watching me, judging me all the time. People stare at me at the gym, or at work, or when I walk down the street, and I'm sure they think I am this ugly huge pathetic person, lazy, awkward, stupid. I am so self conscious all the time. I try not to let it show, feel so immature for these feelings, but there they are. Even when I write on VB, I wonder what my posts come across like, whether I am annoying or making any sense or if I am being selfish. I honestly can not see the nice things others say they see about me. I had no idea I was a talented writer until people so many people would tell me this, and then I put two and two together lol but if no one had said anything I would think my writing is crude, even if I love to write. It's so hard for me to acknowledge the things I am good at, the accomplishments I have made and the potential I have to offer others. It is far easier to pick out every flaw in myself. And the one flaw that would be easy for me to manipulate would be my weight and by manipulating my weight I can slightly change my body shape and make it more tolerable. But that's gotten me into so much trouble and taken away other areas of life I love and am passionate about. Does anyone ever feel inferior because they weigh x more lbs than someone else or have the "wrong" body shape? it's completely irrational and stupid but sometimes I feel this way, or feel others think I am inferior to them because I am not as fit or thin, no matter how hard I try. Yet I would never judge someone else this way. I really have a lot of ugly thoughts in my head sometimes. I am ashamed of them.

It's interesting how the inadequacy we feel inside somehow connects to food. I guess food is nourishment, comfort, life. But also a weapon, a powerful substance. And a very easy one to get tangled up in....
5kRunner likes this.

In the end, only kindness matters. - Jewel



To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Naturebound is offline  
#1817 Old 07-01-2015, 03:41 PM
Veggie Regular
 
Scorpius's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Pluto (the planet)
Posts: 6,741
@Naturebound I feel the same way all the time. Engaging in my ED is the best anxiety relief for me, but doing that isn't going to get me anywhere but into the hospital quick. And that's whwere my providers want me if I can't gain weight this week. But the anxiety involved with increasing my intake is killing me......
5kRunner likes this.

"you know, nowhere in the bible does it say that jesus was not a raptor"


www.animal-adoptions.org

Scorpius is offline  
#1818 Old 07-01-2015, 06:08 PM
Veggie Regular
 
Naturebound's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 4,608
Quote:
Originally Posted by Scorpius View Post
@Naturebound I feel the same way all the time. Engaging in my ED is the best anxiety relief for me, but doing that isn't going to get me anywhere but into the hospital quick. And that's whwere my providers want me if I can't gain weight this week. But the anxiety involved with increasing my intake is killing me......
HUGS back to you too Scorpius! I hope you can find a way to gain some weight and stay out of the hospital! We love having you here on VB! I understand that anxiety though. My thoughts are with you!
Scorpius likes this.

In the end, only kindness matters. - Jewel



To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Naturebound is offline  
#1819 Old 07-02-2015, 04:32 AM
Veggie Regular
 
Shallot's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 437
Hugs to both of you!

I'm working really hard at maintaining my weight. It's ok (really it's ok - I just need to keep telling myself that) but there's all sorts of things that are big and wobbly on me now (boobs and arse mainly - and I have a very low tolerance level for bits that wobble). And there's things in my life that are not within my control - and that gives me anxiety and then I look for something I can control. And hey presto ... puh ... even just writing that down gives me a prickle of anxiety all over and a little bit of shortness of breath (excellent).

For me this is all about control - if I control exactly what I look like I control my life (I can hear how twisted that is even as I write it). Sigh.
Scorpius, Naturebound and 5kRunner like this.
Shallot is offline  
#1820 Old 08-25-2015, 03:44 AM
Veggie Regular
 
Naturebound's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 4,608
Need to get some stuff off my chest.

In less than three weeks I will be going on a canoe camping trip in a wilderness area. It will be my sixth trip of this sort. We usually paddle about ten miles in and base camp for a week and do day trips around the lakes in the area.

I should mention I have a fear of wind, and a growing fear of being trapped out somewhere. I have always been afraid of wind, since I was a very young girl. I don't like cycling in it, walking in it, canoeing in it. Somehow in the past I have managed to overcome the fear enough to do these things anyway. I had a really bad experience though in 2006 as we were coming out of the wilderness after a week of canoe camping. The wind kicked up very suddenly and the temperature dropped into the 40s from the 70s F. It started to sleet. We had to cross a portage trail on foot and we came to a larger lake we would have to cross to get back to our vehicle eight miles away. the water was white capping and the wind so strong you couldn't stand up straight in that open space. We knew we couldn't cross that safely in a canoe, so we turned back and found a campsite on the previous smaller lake and stayed an extra night. It was still windy the next day but not as bad and we powered through and get back to our vehicle. But it was very scary. I was unable to do a trip the next year because of my fear. I did a trip in 2008 but only a few lakes in, not more than 5 miles, and we left after four days because again my fear got the best of me. In 2009 I was very ill with my eating disorder, very very sick. We still managed a trip but I chose a route with narrow rivers and only one larger lake to camp on, and only 7 miles in. at that point my husband was ok with it because of my condition. It is a miracle I could do anything at all being that small. I was very very lucky because it was dead calm that entire week. In 2010 I did a trip and was in somewhat better shape but I white knuckled it the whole time as the route involved larger lakes and it was windy for part of it.

The next three years I avoided a canoe camping trip, mostly due to being in school. We did day trips when it was nice, but not much.

Last weekend we brought the canoe to a river route to get our canoeing arms in shape for the trip and test out the canoe since we had to patch a hole in it earlier this year. It was extremely windy that day. We drove all the way to the landing and unloaded the canoe. And we stood on shore and I told my husband I can't do this. I told him about my fear of the wind, my concern about paddling back against it and lack of confidence in my energy and strength to do it. He was upset with me and I yelled that I should never have trusted him enough to share my feelings. He was nicer after that but still upset with me. We didn't paddle. we put the canoe back on the truck and left. I feel like such a failure. But worse, I am so sick with dread about this upcoming trip I am having trouble sleeping, eating, everything. It has been whipping windy and cold the last seven days. I haven't even ridden my bike much.

The night before this last canoe trip (that didn't happen), I had a massive binge while preparing our food for the next day. Call it nerves, distraction, or the fact that I have lost a a few lbs over the last few months (more on that later). I was so sick from it the next day, plus nerves, that I couldn't hold my food in. It was coming out of me faster than I could get it in. I had horrific cramps all day. So it's probably a good thing I didn't paddle anyway in that shape. I am ashamed of it but not surprised.

I have been terribly stressed over my job the last six months, and more and more as time goes on. The expectations are very high and the training and support one gets are low. It has taken all my energy to handle just the job, so maybe that is why I have not been able to handle the stress of canoeing this year. It's just too much to handle any more than I have. It has gotten to where I don't enjoy life anymore. I don't look forward to cycling, or cooking, or visiting anyone. Everything is a chore. And I am so anxious about this trip it is making me sick.

My husband has his heart on doing this. He told me it is something we used to share and love together. Being out in the wilderness, loving nature. And I do love this. But I am struggling to overcome my fear. I can't get past it. Fear blankets everything in my life. I could succeed, do so much more, if I could just work through my fear and not let it get the best of me. I just don't know how. It is so much easier for me to hide in the shadows. To the point of utter depression and despair. It would KILL my husband if I said I can't do this trip. I don't know what to do.

We are going to try canoeing the river again this next weekend. I keep watching the weather report, and so far so good. I don't want to give up (on life or on the trip) but I just don't know how much more I can handle.

In the end, only kindness matters. - Jewel



To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Naturebound is offline  
#1821 Old 08-25-2015, 04:13 AM
Veggie Regular
 
karenlovessnow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Home Sweet Home
Posts: 12,079
Oh my gosh, Naturebound...I don't even know what to say. I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. Big, big hugs to you.

I have no experience with eating disorders. I do suffer from anxiety so I know the fear part well and how it can control your life. I miss out on a lot of the things that used to make me happy.

I'm probably not the one to give advice. Your trip sounds awesome but I don't think I would be able to do it if I felt the way you feel about it. As disappointing as your husband would be, I feel like he should be more supportive. I think anticipating his reaction is big part of your fear and it's making the situation worse.

I think it's good that you do smaller excursions and try to build up to the big one. But I really feel that if you think like this is something you won't be able to do, you should tell him sooner rather than later. You can't afford to have all of this stress in your life. Does he have any idea that you are feeling this way now? Do you have any kind of professional support?

Again, so sorry.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Scorpius likes this.
karenlovessnow is offline  
#1822 Old 08-25-2015, 06:32 PM
Veggie Regular
 
Naturebound's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 4,608
Quote:
Originally Posted by karenlovessnow View Post
Oh my gosh, Naturebound...I don't even know what to say. I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. Big, big hugs to you.

I have no experience with eating disorders. I do suffer from anxiety so I know the fear part well and how it can control your life. I miss out on a lot of the things that used to make me happy.

I'm probably not the one to give advice. Your trip sounds awesome but I don't think I would be able to do it if I felt the way you feel about it. As disappointing as your husband would be, I feel like he should be more supportive. I think anticipating his reaction is big part of your fear and it's making the situation worse.

I think it's good that you do smaller excursions and try to build up to the big one. But I really feel that if you think like this is something you won't be able to do, you should tell him sooner rather than later. You can't afford to have all of this stress in your life. Does he have any idea that you are feeling this way now? Do you have any kind of professional support?

Again, so sorry.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Thank you Karen for your kind words! My husband knows how I feel. He is still pushing me to do the trip. I'm thinking of asking for a compromise. That if we do it, that we don't try to go so far in, maybe just go five or six miles instead of ten so it doesn't seem like an overwhelming obstacle if we need to get out. He won't be happy but it might help me. IDK. The trip is just one stress of many. Work is the worst stress. I send through charges that are upwards of $100,000 for chemotherapy infusions and I had all of two weeks of training upon hire, right out of school and no previous experience coding other than three years of schooling and passing a rigorous certification. I started doing some other areas of coding recently but again I get no training, just get told to figure it out as I go and ask questions if I need to. Yeah, right. This is my first professional job out of school and in my life. I don't know if all professional jobs are like this or what. Management is overwhelmingly busy, I understand that. But the way they treat their employees in the department leaves so much to be desired. I never feel like I can approach them for anything. :/

I am so afraid of absolutely everything! How do you manage your anxiety? I have thought about going back into counseling. I just don't know where I would find the time. I feel like I am losing my mind sometimes. I think my hormones must be off again, especially thyroid, because my hair is falling out like crazy. And sometimes I just can't catch my breath. My mind races all the time. Yet I am exhausted mentally. I can't multitask to save my life and I can only handle one crisis at a time lol. And it seems like there are too many piling up. Yet I wonder how many are just crises I have created in my mind? Life is so complicated sometimes.

In the end, only kindness matters. - Jewel



To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Naturebound is offline  
#1823 Old 08-25-2015, 06:52 PM
jmb
Newbie
 
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 44
Quote:
Originally Posted by Naturebound View Post
Thank you Karen for your kind words! My husband knows how I feel. He is still pushing me to do the trip. I'm thinking of asking for a compromise. That if we do it, that we don't try to go so far in, maybe just go five or six miles instead of ten so it doesn't seem like an overwhelming obstacle if we need to get out. He won't be happy but it might help me. IDK. The trip is just one stress of many. Work is the worst stress. I send through charges that are upwards of $100,000 for chemotherapy infusions and I had all of two weeks of training upon hire, right out of school and no previous experience coding other than three years of schooling and passing a rigorous certification. I started doing some other areas of coding recently but again I get no training, just get told to figure it out as I go and ask questions if I need to. Yeah, right. This is my first professional job out of school and in my life. I don't know if all professional jobs are like this or what. Management is overwhelmingly busy, I understand that. But the way they treat their employees in the department leaves so much to be desired. I never feel like I can approach them for anything. :/

I am so afraid of absolutely everything! How do you manage your anxiety? I have thought about going back into counseling. I just don't know where I would find the time. I feel like I am losing my mind sometimes. I think my hormones must be off again, especially thyroid, because my hair is falling out like crazy. And sometimes I just can't catch my breath. My mind races all the time. Yet I am exhausted mentally. I can't multitask to save my life and I can only handle one crisis at a time lol. And it seems like there are too many piling up. Yet I wonder how many are just crises I have created in my mind? Life is so complicated sometimes.
Hola

This caught me by surprise as I love love love the wind - on ridges and open places and peaks and exposed vistas. Something about the fury feels alive and elemental.

But fears are fears and I have mine so I understand and respect yours.

Could you guys maybe do straight backpacking minus canoes and water? Would he be okay with wilderness areas on dry land or trails following rivers?
jmb is offline  
#1824 Old 08-25-2015, 07:41 PM
Super Moderator
 
silva's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 8,953
Quote:
Originally Posted by Naturebound View Post
I am so afraid of absolutely everything! How do you manage your anxiety? I have thought about going back into counseling. I just don't know where I would find the time. I feel like I am losing my mind sometimes. I think my hormones must be off again, especially thyroid, because my hair is falling out like crazy. And sometimes I just can't catch my breath. My mind races all the time. Yet I am exhausted mentally. I can't multitask to save my life and I can only handle one crisis at a time lol. And it seems like there are too many piling up. Yet I wonder how many are just crises I have created in my mind? Life is so complicated sometimes.
can i just copy and paste that for my post? Sums up how I've been feeling very well.
You shouldn't feel badly about 'ruining' the trip for your husband. think how you'd react if the situation were reversed--but with him being sick and in pain. What you're feeling isn't that much different>
talk about compromising with a gentler trip. Your adventures are certainly far more than what I could deal with!

I'm really inspired by all you've done with your life! I don't think I could handle office type pressures. I bet you're better at what you do than most others, simply because you care so much
LedBoots likes this.
silva is offline  
#1825 Old 08-26-2015, 04:03 AM
Veggie Regular
 
Naturebound's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 4,608
Quote:
Originally Posted by jmb View Post
Hola

This caught me by surprise as I love love love the wind - on ridges and open places and peaks and exposed vistas. Something about the fury feels alive and elemental.

But fears are fears and I have mine so I understand and respect yours.

Could you guys maybe do straight backpacking minus canoes and water? Would he be okay with wilderness areas on dry land or trails following rivers?
I would LOVE to do an overnight backpacking trip in the Boundary Waters Canoe Area Wilderness (which is where we are going on our canoe trip) and in fact there are numerous options for that. But we don't have the right equipment for that style of camping at this point. Our packs are designed for canoes and would be heavier than if we packed for carrying packs on our backs for hours and hours each day. Even our cookset is a bit large and heavy for that kind of camping. I hope to be able to transition to that kind of camping in the future and slowly build up our equipment/swap it out. If I lived alone at some point it is a style of camping I would still do myself. This year it is not really an option.

In the end, only kindness matters. - Jewel



To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Naturebound is offline  
#1826 Old 08-26-2015, 04:25 AM
Veggie Regular
 
Naturebound's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 4,608
Quote:
Originally Posted by silva View Post
can i just copy and paste that for my post? Sums up how I've been feeling very well.
You shouldn't feel badly about 'ruining' the trip for your husband. think how you'd react if the situation were reversed--but with him being sick and in pain. What you're feeling isn't that much different>
talk about compromising with a gentler trip. Your adventures are certainly far more than what I could deal with!

I'm really inspired by all you've done with your life! I don't think I could handle office type pressures. I bet you're better at what you do than most others, simply because you care so much
Thanks silva! I tend to be a bit slower at my job than others, but I am extremely detailed and specific with diagnoses etc compared to others. My coworker that shares chemo coding does almost double what I do, but she makes a lot more errors (we get audits from compliance and the pharmacy on a regular basis and her work split always has way more errors than mine on the audit reports).

Likewise, with my husband, he is the more adventurous one, takes more risks, and lives more in the moment. But I am the more practical one, the planner, the one who puts it all together and makes wiser decisions when conflicts/crises arise. He is terribly unorganized and I am constantly cleaning up after him lol. I wish I were more of a free spirit sometimes as I even drive myself crazy. i am constantly worrying about stuff. Imagining the worst case scenario in everything. It's hard to see the other's point of view and it does require that the two of us make compromises. I wish he would respect the way I am more but I guess i could do the same for him. He has physical limitations, has rheumatoid arthritis and a few other conditions and is getting older (52) so he struggles more with carrying the canoe. I have been trying to build up strength to help in this area. Maybe I have less confidence now in his ability to power through waves and wind and tough situations and he has to rely more on me to help and it is scary for me in this regard too because I don't have a lot of confidence in my own strength and ability. My entire life I have craved someone to take care of me, but have found myself being the one to sacrifice my own needs due to others needs. My sister was very sick with paranoid szhizophrenia when we were kids and she was in and out of hospitals and my Mom was trying to help her and work full time and was in school and I was expected to do housework and go to family therapy and ask little of my own needs. I learned to keep my feelings bound up inside. My Dad also has a profound mental illness and he just couldn't be there emotionally. Even with my husband, I have cared a lot for him, been with him through hospitals and clinics and surgeries and doctors trying to help him. A few years ago we spent over a week at the Mayo Clinic getting him help and I sacrificed plans to leaflet with some people. When I had my own surgery, the day my husband brought me home, he dropped me off and went off to do his own thing lol. I made my own meals and still cleaned etc. No help. But sometimes I give off the impression I don't need anyone. I am very independent and like to do everything myself. But deep down, I desperately need love and attention. And encouragement. Especially when my fears start to get the best of me. I just never know how to ask for help. I wait until it becomes a crisis.

Yesterday I actually sobbed while cycling to the gym and walking on the treadmill and doing calisthenics in the studio. I am hurting so bad I can't even hold it in for that. I tend to avoid dealing with my own feelings until they become too strong. it gets me into trouble a lot.

In the end, only kindness matters. - Jewel



To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Naturebound is offline  
#1827 Old 08-26-2015, 04:43 AM
Not such a Beginner ;)
 
LedBoots's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 8,394
Dear Naturebound's Husband,

Hi. Your very strong wife is not up for the wilderness trip this year. She doesn't want to disappoint you, but this is not a good time for her. Please just take a relaxing trip instead with lots of birdwatching, pretty sunsets, and laughter.
-A friend of your wife
LedBoots is offline  
#1828 Old 08-26-2015, 09:26 AM
Veggie Regular
 
Shallot's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 437
Oh Naturebound - this sounds terrible. If you're at the point where you're not holding it together out and about you have to do a different trip. He may have his heart set on it but he surely won't have his heart set on it over and above your well being. I get your fear of wind - it's absolutely not fun.

I empathise with this so much - I do not trust my physical strength, and doing longer walks out in nature (though fabulous) are not without challenge for me. I have had a monumental meltdown on Coniston (it was sleeting and my fiances arm was in a sling and it was slippery and it was windy and there were not a lot of other people out) and we had to go back down. He was pissed off. Hugely pissed off. But really if he'd fallen what was I going to do? I'd have to abandon him (because I weigh a lot less than him and I can't carry him or drag him very far). My fear always boils down to what would happen if it was just me - would we be able to carry on with just my power?

Explaining to him that it's not about avoiding the walk but about what I fear might happen has helped. Because we like to do a walking holiday a year (without meltdown halfway up a hill) we try to do more foreward planning. We get a map. I get to look at the map and we plan routes ahead of time. We have all the gear. We do not camp (because I get cold so fast). We schedule in breaks (because I have small batteries). We bring extra food. All of these things help manage my anxiety because there are fewer whatifs for me to latch on to ...

I hope your anxiety gets better and that you find some time to get some help. Try to make it a priority because you're important too.
Shallot is offline  
#1829 Old 08-27-2015, 04:25 AM
Veggie Regular
 
Naturebound's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 4,608
Thanks everyone for the great support and advice! I have been avoiding the issue the last few days and juggling stuff at work, but I am really going to have to figure something out soon. I have just over two weeks left. The trip is not free I should mention. I paid over $50 in reservations and reserved a spot at the entry point. there are a variety of entry points into the BWCA and each has only a few allowed groups that can go in each day from that spot. I am going to look into whether any other entry points have openings with smaller water at this point but probably won't have much luck since they fill up months in advance. I wouldn't be able to get all my money back but could get some back. I want to do a camping trip but wish I would have chosen a different route.

Shallot, I hear ya about the cold! That is another fear. I get cold very easily and have always been this way. Back in June I did a 30 mile mountain bike trek and got caught in a downpour in 51 degree F temps and was freezing for days after that lol. Even after hot baths. It's crazy living in Minnesota and never getting used to the cold lol. I'm so sorry about your experience too!

Ledboots, your letter is so touching and made me cry a little. Thanks so much for that!
LedBoots, Shallot and no whey jose like this.

In the end, only kindness matters. - Jewel



To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Naturebound is offline  
#1830 Old 08-27-2015, 04:48 AM
Veggie Regular
 
karenlovessnow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Home Sweet Home
Posts: 12,079
Quote:
Originally Posted by Naturebound View Post
Thank you Karen for your kind words! My husband knows how I feel. He is still pushing me to do the trip. I'm thinking of asking for a compromise. That if we do it, that we don't try to go so far in, maybe just go five or six miles instead of ten so it doesn't seem like an overwhelming obstacle if we need to get out. He won't be happy but it might help me. IDK. The trip is just one stress of many. Work is the worst stress. I send through charges that are upwards of $100,000 for chemotherapy infusions and I had all of two weeks of training upon hire, right out of school and no previous experience coding other than three years of schooling and passing a rigorous certification. I started doing some other areas of coding recently but again I get no training, just get told to figure it out as I go and ask questions if I need to. Yeah, right. This is my first professional job out of school and in my life. I don't know if all professional jobs are like this or what. Management is overwhelmingly busy, I understand that. But the way they treat their employees in the department leaves so much to be desired. I never feel like I can approach them for anything. :/

I am so afraid of absolutely everything! How do you manage your anxiety? I have thought about going back into counseling. I just don't know where I would find the time. I feel like I am losing my mind sometimes. I think my hormones must be off again, especially thyroid, because my hair is falling out like crazy. And sometimes I just can't catch my breath. My mind races all the time. Yet I am exhausted mentally. I can't multitask to save my life and I can only handle one crisis at a time lol. And it seems like there are too many piling up. Yet I wonder how many are just crises I have created in my mind? Life is so complicated sometimes.
I'm not sure I can call it managing, exactly. I would probably do well with daily meds at this point but I am pill phobic and trying to resist going that route. Basically, I tailor my life around the anxiety. I only do the things that I am comfortable with. Luckily, I work less than five miles from my house. Driving is a huge problem. Yet I can drive to (some) places that I've been to before, even if they are a bit far. My sister lives about 45 minutes from me and I am able to take her to her doctor appointments. It's a very comfortable route and I used to drive it daily. I do not get to see my daughter or grandchildren often as they live farther and I have been unable to drive there by myself for almost two years, now. I can drag the hubby but that isn't always an option.

There's a social aspect to it as well. I avoid most events because I just don't want to deal with it. So I guess my managing skills are based on avoidance. And the older I get the worse it is becoming.

I can totally relate to the job stress. I don't do very well in your type of situation, where you are told to just "figure it out". I can "wing it" in a lot of situations but only if I have the basics down and know what I am doing. My job is very deadline oriented and there are certain things that just have to get done by a certain date/time.

I hope things get better for you soon.
LedBoots likes this.
karenlovessnow is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the VeggieBoards forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in


Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off