Eat to Live VII: Eating Disorder Recovery Support - Page 60 - VeggieBoards
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#1771 Old 06-30-2014, 04:03 PM
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That breaks my heart for her family and friends Especially her teenaged sons.



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#1772 Old 06-30-2014, 05:03 PM
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I'm so sorry to hear about your friend, NB. It's a tragedy. Stay strong and know she'll live on in you and those she touched.

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#1773 Old 08-26-2014, 02:44 AM
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I'm finding it a bit tricky at the moment. My boyfriend's Mum is trying to loose weight, and is counting calories and things and...argh. I'm trying not to explode, but oh my god. Oh my god.

It's really wrong of me to feel like this - well, it isn't wrong to feel like this, but it's wrong to act on it. I'm panicking whenever she says anything about anything now, and...****. ****.

How do you guys deal with tricky situations like this?

peace and love and sorry for not being here more.
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#1774 Old 08-26-2014, 03:12 AM
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I'm finding it a bit tricky at the moment. My boyfriend's Mum is trying to loose weight, and is counting calories and things and...argh. I'm trying not to explode, but oh my god. Oh my god.

It's really wrong of me to feel like this - well, it isn't wrong to feel like this, but it's wrong to act on it. I'm panicking whenever she says anything about anything now, and...****. ****.

How do you guys deal with tricky situations like this?

peace and love and sorry for not being here more.
So glad this thread is back up and running! I hear ya with the triggers of others trying to lose weight. Doesn't it sometimes feel like the whole world is trying to lose weight? I can't go anywhere without someone talking about it. Not a day passes that I don't have to hear how someone is on a diet or losing weight or something. It can be quite triggering. Sometimes I have to step away from forums or certain people when they start talking about diets, or just tune them out. It is easy for me to get wrapped up in obsessing about it or getting sucked in. I have to remind myself that I need to be healthy and take care of my body and I know what my needs are and I do not have to be part of any conversation about dieting. I try to be encouraging and say things like "that's great!" when someone shares with me that they have lost x lbs (and are overweight) but often I will leave it at that or change the subject. In some cases I have told the person that I am not comfortable discussing weight and diet topics if that person knows I am a recovering anorexic. Most times people are nice about it, but my Mom yelled at me once that it was a big deal for her to lose weight and I could be more supportive bla bla. My Mom seriously has issues. This is the same Mom that forced me into ED treatment in 2008 because I was so sick and my family was worried for me. Now she constantly talks to me about her diet and wants tips on losing weight from me. She was vegan for a while but went back to meat and tries to push me to eat meat too which is odd because I am so much healthier now and well within normal weight range as a vegan. You'd think she would be happy for me. This is the first time in six years I have gotten to a healthy weight from underweight and no longer restrict like I used to. But I refuse to get sucked into her unhealthy games. Often this means I don't communicate with her much.

It isn't wrong to have feelings of panic or being triggered when someone close to you is dieting. It is part of the nature of the illness. You just need to step back and separate yourself and focus on what you need to do to be healthy. I know it is easier said than done. I am not completely recovered myself, though physically I am much much healthier. The mental stuff is still a daily battle. Just yesterday I went to a mental health support group I go to each week and someone brought up dieting and organic food and how we should all exercise more bla bla. For me I am coming from a place of exercise addiction and pushing my body way too hard for years, let alone my obsessiveness with pure food that I am trying to let go of. I know the damage it did to me on the level I exercised. yet it was triggering to hear that. But I can't expect everyone to avoid talking about it or know the effects they are having on me. The next best thing for me is to tune out what does not apply to me, and fight the voice in my head that looks for any reason to start berating me and latching on to those ED thoughts. I try to focus on the good things about my recovery and hold on to those. Its' tough some days, I know.
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#1775 Old 08-26-2014, 03:18 AM
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Thanks Naturebound. That there are people out there who understand is very helpful. Not that I want anyone to understand, as it were, because it means they've been through Hell, but...to have that support...thanks.
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#1776 Old 12-14-2014, 12:55 PM
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I am sad
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#1777 Old 12-14-2014, 07:12 PM
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I'm sorry piratemoon! I am battling some horrible depression myself. Just know you are not alone. Feel free to share more if you would like. HUGS

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#1778 Old 12-15-2014, 01:44 AM
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Thanks Naturebound. I don't know quite how to explain it right now. This place has always been really supportive before. I hope you can feel better soon - and if you want to talk, do (you can PM me if you like)
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#1779 Old 12-15-2014, 08:55 AM
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So glad I found this thread again! I definitely need some support.

It's been a tough year (but also an enlightening one), especially in the last few months. I sprained my ankle pretty badly around Halloween time and it's still healing (though I am completely mobile now) and a few weeks ago, I slipped in the shower and am still feeling the sore muscles in my chest from that. I am not used to being that physically constrained, even though I am very overweight right now and dealing with binge eating issues.

I'm reading a great book right now by Roger Gould called "Shrinking Yourself". While he does talk about stopping emotional eating with the goal of losing weight, he also approaches it from a point of view that I can relate to. I know that my EE/BE issues stem from emotional abuse in my childhood and my attempts in the last year to "grow up" (mentally and emotionally). I have made some progress but my binges are still coming from a place where I am a rebellious child (even though I have nothing to rebel against now, as I am more in control of my relationship with my parents than I ever was).

I hope that 2015 will be more positive than 2014 was!

Djuna
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#1780 Old 12-15-2014, 09:02 AM
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Naturbound, your mom sounds a lot like mine. Mine also always had self-image issues and weigh issues. She dragged me to Weight Watchers for the first time when I was 14. And the irony is that, looking back at old pictures, I wasn't particularly in need of it at that time. I might have been a little overweight, but nothing that I would now consider out of the ordinary for a pre-teen. Part of my binge eating stems from her severe enmeshment and co-dependency issues. That I know for sure. Since she couldn't separate herself from me and see me as an individual person, she assumed that her weight and body issues were mine. Sadly, it became just like that. I am now fighting to get over those issues and it's not easy. I'm also fighting to get out of the "diet" mentality and get into the "self-nurturing" mentality. I am prone to black-and-white thinking (from my childhood), so I really have to watch myself so that I don't fall into the trap of going after very restricting diets. I've done that a lot in the past. First it was the low carb thing, then the raw food thing, then the very low fat vegan diet thing. One of my goals in 2015 is to simply live each day at a time and eat what my body feels comfortable with rather than what I think I "should" (or "should not") be eating.

Djuna
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#1781 Old 01-31-2015, 12:29 PM
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I needed to come back and read through this thread again. I had a recent experience that is really getting under my skin.

A few days ago at work I went over to a common breakroom area to fill up my mug with coffee. The coffee machine in there was running and coffee filling up the pot. I was in a hurry to get started with work and didn't want to wait so I removed the pot and put my cup under the spout to get some coffee. Some coffee spilled on the burner as a result. I had planned to clean it up and didn't think it was a big deal. Suddenly, this woman walking by (a stranger I have seen around but didn't know) hurried over and told me to stop doing that and that I was making a mess. She said I was dripping water all over the counter. I looked at her incredulously at first because I was not seeing water anywhere other than on the burner. I took too long to react because she then grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the way and proceeded to clean up this "mess" by frantically wiping down the counter and coffee burner and she grabbed the empty coffee pot on top of the machine and slammed it down on the burner. She kept yelling at me that I should never use my cup like that and I was going to ruin the machine. I was in shock that she physically pulled my arm that way and that she was talking to me in a reprimanding way as if I were a child. The tone of her voice sent shivers down my spine and the minute she touched me my reaction went from one of amusing disbelief to one of anger and shame rolled together. I had flashbacks of years ago as a child being physically beaten and later as a teen being berated and physically and forcefully "corrected" by a dance teacher. I was so shocked I just stood there numb and stupidly. I finally snapped out of it and tried to put the coffee pot I was still holding on to the top burner but she yelled at me again that the lady who had just walked in and stood behind us wanted coffee and to give her some. That lady just smiled at me in this apologetic way and said that was ok I could put it back. I was so utterly humiliated it was all I could do to run out of there and go hide in my cubicle. When the shock wore off I started crying and I cried all day. My supervisor saw me crying and I did report to her what happened and although she said that lady owed me an apology, I was scared to death to face her again so I opted to not pursue it any further.

The thing is, I can't sleep at night at all now. My anxiety is sky high all the time. I dread going to work, dread possibly running into that woman again. I refuse to use the coffee at work anymore and now bring my own. I was taking yoga classes and I called and canceled those because I can't bear to be touched or corrected, even if it is in a gentle respectful way. I feel sick inside. I thought as an adult I was safe now from this kind of thing. I guess not. I wish I hadn't been so careless with that coffee machine. I wish it had never happened because it has really triggered a lot of negative feelings.

And it all made me think about how little control I have over these things. And how little self confidence I really have. I have worked so so hard over the last few years rebuilding my life and trying to get better from this ED. To face fears and uncertainty and move forward with my life. Yet when faced with this little incident I crumbled like a child, unable to stand up to this woman or fend for myself, just standing there and taking it all in like a sponge to absorb later. It just made me have even less self confidence and even more shame. I just want to shrink from the world and hide away. It makes me wish I were perfect in every way so that I can never be a target and no one can have an excuse to hurt me and I will be safer. I feel such anger inside. Anger at both her and myself. Anger that I can't trust people. Anger that I have allowed people in my past to physically abuse me, or that they did. Can't I at least have my physical body to myself?

And the one thing I can control is my body. I can make myself numb again, shrink so I am less noticeable and take up less space in this world. All the things I did before to cope with pain and to deal with being so utterly imperfect and defective as to cause others to hurt me. The hardest thing in the world to do when you feel like **** is to nourish yourself. And to channel anger appropriately. How on earth do you do it?

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#1782 Old 01-31-2015, 12:34 PM
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(((Hugs))) Naturebound, what a dick that coworker is!! Don't worry about your reaction to her attack, you handled it fine. Not throwing the hot coffee in her face is a bonus!

Please don't let this stop you from carrying on....
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#1783 Old 01-31-2015, 12:35 PM
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Naturebound, that sounds horrid. Sometimes people have no knowledge of the damage they inflict.

You. Are. Worth. Something. I can't say any more than that. Know that out here there are people who know you are so unique and vital.

Peace and love, pirate.
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#1784 Old 01-31-2015, 12:35 PM
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(((Hugs))) Naturebound, what a dick that coworker is!! Don't worry about your reaction to her attack, you handled it fine. Not throwing the hot coffee in her face is a bonus!

Please don't let this stop you from carrying on....
Oh, and this. Yes.
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#1785 Old 01-31-2015, 06:19 PM
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Thank you Piratemoon and Ledboots for your encouragement! Just writing all this out helped.
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#1786 Old 02-01-2015, 12:13 AM
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So glad to hear that. It does sometimes, doesn't it?
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#1787 Old 02-01-2015, 09:12 AM
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I'm so sorry, NatureBound.



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#1788 Old 02-01-2015, 11:14 AM
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NatureBound, I am sorry to hear that you are having trouble at work...I wanted to offer some advice but please bear in mind this is not my area of expertise...

Can you try not to associate things that happen to you now with painful events in your past? I know this is hard but if you could keep them separate in your mind then I think you would feel happier...As for this woman at work, you should speak to your superiors and make sure she doesn't touch you physically again...

Take care
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#1789 Old 02-01-2015, 11:36 AM
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Naturebound-this may not be helpful for you, but I do understand the way being treated like that can make someone feel, and I used to react very much like you did. Ashamed for no reason, scared to be seen, wanting to hid.
For me it took standing tall, speaking clearly and loudly the next time I was treated unfairly by someone acting superior, and asking why they feel such need to be a *****. And not just as a rhetorical words, but really asking.

You don't deserve that. Ever.
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#1790 Old 02-01-2015, 03:52 PM
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NatureBound, I am sorry to hear that you are having trouble at work...I wanted to offer some advice but please bear in mind this is not my area of expertise...

Can you try not to associate things that happen to you now with painful events in your past? I know this is hard but if you could keep them separate in your mind then I think you would feel happier...As for this woman at work, you should speak to your superiors and make sure she doesn't touch you physically again...

Take care
Thanks for your thoughts Go Vegan. It was an automatic sort of thing that I did when I compared the incident in my head to earlier incidents that brought about similar gut reactions. Hard to explain. But I do suspect I have made the present incident into more than it was based on my past experience. I haven't ever really let go of those experiences, haven't talked about them much with anyone. Maybe I could work on that.

It is so hard for me to trust my feelings and instincts, to know what is ok and what isn't and how to respond effectively. I felt at first the instant she grabbed me that it was the wrong thing to do and my first gut reaction was to want to pull away and tell her to never touch me like that again. But as quickly as my anger was sparked it was deadened by fear and a feeling of...inferiority? Powerlessness? I DID do something wrong by dripping coffee on the burner. She had an air of authority about her that was intimidating. And maybe my gut response would have been over the top? Or would have made her angrier? I am thinking as I type here. I used to take assertiveness training many years ago. I used to be far worse than I am now. I used to have to have a script in front of me to call and order a pizza when I was a teenager. Spontaneity and intuitive responses are very hard for me. Self trust and knowing what I am capable of. I look back at when I did some leafleting and tabling and wonder how on earth I ever did it. At that time I was doing well in school and more comfortable in my life. Right now I am learning a new job, stressed over it, and not as generally confident. So maybe in that context it was harder to stand up for myself. I am thinking about anonymously sending a note to risk management/compliance at the medical complex where I work to please remind employees that touching other employees in any way without permission is inappropriate in the workplace. I don't know if it would make a difference or not. It would definitely put my workplace on high alert I am pretty sure.

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#1791 Old 02-01-2015, 03:53 PM
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Naturebound-this may not be helpful for you, but I do understand the way being treated like that can make someone feel, and I used to react very much like you did. Ashamed for no reason, scared to be seen, wanting to hid.
For me it took standing tall, speaking clearly and loudly the next time I was treated unfairly by someone acting superior, and asking why they feel such need to be a *****. And not just as a rhetorical words, but really asking.

You don't deserve that. Ever.
Thanks silva! Maybe I could take some lessons from you lol.

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#1792 Old 02-01-2015, 04:07 PM
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Thanks for your thoughts Go Vegan. It was an automatic sort of thing that I did when I compared the incident in my head to earlier incidents that brought about similar gut reactions. Hard to explain. But I do suspect I have made the present incident into more than it was based on my past experience. I haven't ever really let go of those experiences, haven't talked about them much with anyone. Maybe I could work on that.

It is so hard for me to trust my feelings and instincts, to know what is ok and what isn't and how to respond effectively. I felt at first the instant she grabbed me that it was the wrong thing to do and my first gut reaction was to want to pull away and tell her to never touch me like that again. But as quickly as my anger was sparked it was deadened by fear and a feeling of...inferiority? Powerlessness? I DID do something wrong by dripping coffee on the burner. She had an air of authority about her that was intimidating. And maybe my gut response would have been over the top? Or would have made her angrier? I am thinking as I type here. I used to take assertiveness training many years ago. I used to be far worse than I am now. I used to have to have a script in front of me to call and order a pizza when I was a teenager. Spontaneity and intuitive responses are very hard for me. Self trust and knowing what I am capable of. I look back at when I did some leafleting and tabling and wonder how on earth I ever did it. At that time I was doing well in school and more comfortable in my life. Right now I am learning a new job, stressed over it, and not as generally confident. So maybe in that context it was harder to stand up for myself. I am thinking about anonymously sending a note to risk management/compliance at the medical complex where I work to please remind employees that touching other employees in any way without permission is inappropriate in the workplace. I don't know if it would make a difference or not. It would definitely put my workplace on high alert I am pretty sure.
Hi NatureBound,

I think that if you had said something like "Please don't touch me," then that would have been fine...Don't worry though it's over now...

Send a note to risk management about this and that should prevent it from happening again...
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#1793 Old 02-01-2015, 04:19 PM
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Thanks silva! Maybe I could take some lessons from you lol.
Your story really does poke a nerve! I think in the past I did feel not just inferior, but I've always felt very, very, very different from everyone else. My childhood wasn't physically abusive, maybe not even abusive, but I always felt like a guest. I never felt family. I never felt taught, only critizied about every thing I did. And I didn't want to be there, or do what they did and I never felt like I belonged. I really thought I had to be an alien.
I did find companionship in drugs and alcohol, which thankfully I'm not additive. I spent 10 years in a very abusive marriage, to someone I really loved, who committed suicide. had 2 kids that I adore and really worry I haven't been the right kind of parent to despite my attention and love.
I think I'm more reclusive than anyone here who says they are, but have found that by patterning my behavior I be very normal and get along with most everyone.
'
So, you can take a lesson from my story, but certainly not from me!
I have done that though, when accosted by someone exerting their superiorty, just why they needed to be so angry. "Are you really having that bad of a day?" I too patterned my behavior on scripts. Watching how people who seemed to fair well in life responded.
Recently we had an autistic man working from a guided home and his - therapists I guess- I overheard talking to him about just that, patterning his behavior on how others act. I think maybe I also have a type of autistic spectrum. Others here have said that about themselves and so I took some online quizzes about it and, yeah, answered easily. Which I somehow found comforting. I took that E-Harmony online dating thing years ago. There had to hours of multiple choice questions to give a personality profile. I couldn't answer any of them! Nothing fit. A was as far fetched as B,C and D!
Anyway... You are someone very special, talented, kind, and interesting. I think you're someone I'd to know. You should never let people treat you unkindly. You would never want others treated unkindly.
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#1794 Old 02-01-2015, 05:48 PM
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Wow, thanks for sharing about your experience silva! And for the compliments!

It's funny how I would never imagine you or others I have met online as being reclusive. It is really hard to "read" or understand a person fully online. BTW I didn't know you are a mother either! A few people here honestly I didn't even know they were male or female until months later lol. I am so different in person than I am online. I am far less long winded lol, very shy and people say it is hard to read what I am thinking sometimes because my expression is often "blank". I once did an experiment using the webcam on my laptop to talk to some close friends online whom I had only ever communicated with through writing. It was really hard and I fumbled a lot and was awkward. I tried doing some videos of me dancing and doing other things online to share and that was much easier, but talking...

I have to go to work every day and push myself to do activities like yoga or dance classes or support groups (I go to a Monday night mental health support group) or I would isolate terribly. If I were a home coder instead of going to an office to code it would be very hard for me to interact with people at all. I did get to a point of total isolation and nonfunctioning many years ago in my second attempt at college in 1994. I was living in a dorm and could not make friends. I ate alone in the cafeteria, then stopped eating at all because I was so embarrassed at eating in public and sitting by myself but had no clue how to talk to people. I stopped going to class, then would only go down the hall to the shower room/bathrooms if no one was out there. I would run there and back. My roomate was never around but she left bread in her mini refrigerator all the time and I would sneak slices. I survived like that for a few months, then had a mental breakdown, called a counselor I was seeing and he sent security to bring me to a hospital. I didn't attempt college again until 2011 and I did most of it online save two internships. School was hard that way because it meant I spent a lot of time in isolation and only worked part time. The longer I spend away from people, the harder it is to face them. Like you I have often imitated others to figure out what is normal and how to act. That's really quite interesting that you brought that up. When I was really young (six seven years old) my sister and I went to "socialization" therapy. I don't remember it much at all. Just vaguely. We've always been different. I don't know that I have experienced the feeling like you don't belong anywhere as far as family, but I am feeling it where I am working right now. Because I don't speak up or am not assertive enough, I don't think I am getting the amount of time and training I should be. I am still doing elementary stuff three months in. And feeling incredibly guilty like I am not pulling my weight compared to other coders. I have practically begged for more duties and get the run around (while other coders are begging for help), but I suspect it is because I am not making myself clear enough. I wish I had the skills to do that. I used to do therapy a lot when I was younger and I really should get back into it to help me cope with some of this new stuff. Nothing comes naturally to me. I bumble along a lot trying to figure out what to do or how to act and where I fit in. I don't know how to act or feel when I am corrected. Or even complimented. I WANT to be a part of something more, to have more relationships and friends and be involved in activities and so on. Yet I also want lots of alone time and space to think. If it weren't for my husband I would be very alone. And of course VB lol. I go to a few other forums here and there and occasionally Facebook but i can't seem to connect with people anywhere like I can here, and maybe a few close friends on Live Journal. The Monday night support group is very helpful and i like the mix of people, some professionals, some in group homes, and everyone in between. Maybe I should practice more assertiveness there where it is safer.

I was diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder and social anxiety when I was a young teenager. Some have also diagnosed me with schizoid personality disorder but I am not so sure that really fits. I have very strong emotions deep inside me and am highly sensitive to stimuli. I just hold everything inside me and hide it mostly. A lot of how I see myself comes from outside feedback, whether directly or indirectly. It is more obvious with my eating disorder that I can not see my body the way others do. I have extreme body dysmorphia. It has gotten better over time. The only way I can see myself as smart is by academic achievements, paper that tells me so. The only way I can see myself as thin and healthy is by the scale or what others tell me. The only way I seem to know I am an ok person is by how others are around me. It occurs to me though that people can treat me badly but it is not a reflection of me or anything I did. Or I am separate from my actions and accomplishments or failures. It's hard sometimes though to sort it all out. I think I am really rambling and losing sight of what I am wanting to say.

Thanks again for your insight! I really love VB and all the collective wisdom here.

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#1795 Old 02-11-2015, 05:46 PM
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I just wanted to update and share that the lady that bullied me at the coffee machine came up to me this morning as I was coming into the building from outside and actually apologized for what she did. She said that she was way out of line and shouldn't have freaked out over a little spilled water, and that she shouldn't have touched me. I was literally speechless. I was still hurting from the whole thing and had to bite my tongue but I did say that it is really inappropriate to physically touch other employees without their permission. But I also thanked her for acknowledging that and for apologizing. It helped me feel better about the whole situation and hopefully now I can let it go and not feel as much tension at work.
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#1796 Old 02-12-2015, 06:43 PM
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I'm glad things have been sorted out at work for you, Naturebound
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#1797 Old 02-20-2015, 01:41 PM
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I have to admit I'm beyond happy to have found this thread. If I'm out of line or need to post all of this somewhere else I understand completely just point me in the right direction.

I've suffered from ED for many years, but it wasn't until close to about 2 years ago I finally admit I in fact had a problem (a mix of binge eating disorder and anorexia, I'm very athletic and workout a lot and I would eat, but sometimes no where near enough for the physical activity I was doing).

A lot of it stemmed from being restrictive on my diet so much, being obese at one point in my life (315lbs, currently 157lbs with 7%BF) and having a fear of putting so much weight back on, wanting to perform like a jiu jitsu machine (that's my sport of choice haha) and counting calories as well.

I'll keep my story short for now because it's still hard to talk about. I actually run a vegan health and wellness video blog which next month I plan to release a huge series about eating disorder. When the video goes up where I share my full story I'd love to share it with you guys.

I hope that through my experiences I can find some comfort and move on, and most of all I can reach out and help you.

My post is all over the place but to get to the point and keep the story as short and simple as possible here we go:

It was at about 19 when I finally woke up and started losing weight. I was having a healthy relationship with food and even was a vegetarian for a while. At about 21/22 I started working out ALOT more, I felt I needed to put meat back into the equation because it was something I really needed to succeed in fitness.
It was at this point I was dropping weight, feeling good, and not too worried. Eventually I didn't pay much attention but I started to notice some days I'd come home and spend the nights just eating. I'd sit and watch TV and finish an entire pint of ice cream or a whole box of cereal, etc. I didn't really think about it much, and it was just happening once or twice a week. I figured maybe I was just extra hungry that day, what ever.

Eventually as time passed I started to have some personal issues going on with my life and work and noticed this eating thing was becoming a once every night to every other night thing.

I found brazilian jiu jitsu and that really sort of calmed me down. I was stabilizing, eating well, everything was good. It was in 2011 I had to compete at worlds. It was my first time competing and cutting weight and I didn't know alot of nutrition at the time. I was for sure undereating and struggling but I kept pushing through it just to see that goal at the end: making weight and fighting.

As time passed I noticed my behaviour was very snappy, I was really irritated alot, and I looked at food horribly. I wouldn't touch anything I felt was junk or bad for me, hell I Was even restricting fruit at one point.
I made it, I fought made weight, and I didnt win but had a great time.

This is when the bad happened. I deprived my self of sweets, treats and all that for so long that when my friends brought the treats in to celebrate the hard work well.. I went crazy. I ate a whole dozen of donuts on my own and half a extra large pizza. I felt like crap but I didn't care, I had missed these foods so much and felt I was never gonna see them again.

As time passed I noticed I went back onto my binge habit. Every other night to every two nights I would binge. It would ALWAYS be junk too: Ice Cream, Cookies, Pizza, etc. Everything I labeled in my mind during training as "evil" or "bad for me" I was going crazy on. During the day I'd have no issues staying away from it, but once I was home alone at night it would get bad.

Time passed and it became a constant habit of binge eating, feeling like crap the day after, and running to the bathroom non stop because I was so bloated and uncomfortable. It really started to effect my workouts, my personal life, my professional life, etc. I'd be such a horribly picky eater during the day, and when no one watches me at night I'd go crazy. This went on for a few years until 2 years ago I became a vegan.

I'd have days and moments where I'd binge but because I wasn't looking at food as bad or restricted well.. I slowly stopped binging cause I could tell my self "This food isn't restricted, don't worry have a little, more will be here tomorrow, it's okay." I started to have a much better positive relationship.

Time progressed, I met a girl, had a relationship and then we broke up. The breakup stressed me and lead to triggering binge eating again but it didn't last very long. I took the time to train hard for American Nationals in 2014, my diet was stabilizing, my relationship with food was healthy and the binge eating stopped.

Honestly things got better for me until Christmas. My family still gives me a hard time for being vegan, they stare at me as I eat, they think I'm insanely skinny as well as crazy (all my friends who I train with who are massively athletic say I look fit and healthy, and the day I look like skeltor they will force feed me a vegan cheese burger hahaha!) and they think I need to start taking more responsibility for my health and diet. I had just became Buddhist recently and was having a hard time that night I took it out on my self and ate an entire vegan pumpkin pie. For a few days I sort of had a bit of a relapse just eating out of emotion and stress and thinking "maybe they are right, maybe I need to eat more, maybe I'm crazy."

Eventually it took some talking to friends and this time finally going online on my personal facebook making a post saying "I'm here right now letting you guys know for many years I wasn't willing to acknowledge and accept that I am suffering from eating disorder. I'm here to tell you guys that I'm here today because I've battled it many times, over came it, and recently had a falling back. I just need support, I just need to realize it's okay and I will be fine."

It was when I finally opened up to everyone I cared about that I finally felt free. I didn't look at it as a taboo, my friends came to me with so much advice and help, and now I'm feeling the best I've ever felt. I still have some nights where I get stressed and eat a bit more then I should but I have to remind my self its not the end of the world and I'm working out so hard and doing so well. I take measurements of my self once a week and I've noticed that I'm doing nothing but constantly losing inches, building muscle, and my physical performance is shooting through the roof! As a nutrition nerd and athlete I have to remind my self when we workout really hard, we need to refuel our selves properly. I'm not binging, I'm not shovling down food like its the end of the world, and I have to realize it's okay to have an extra piece of fruit, that extra spoon of almond butter, or a scoop of vegan ice cream.

I really hope my story wasn't too long or boring or all over the place. I'm still coming to terms with a lot of this and still growing and learning from all of it. I hope my story can be of some help to others. I'd love any input from people as well as what they do to help overcome binge eating.

Also to anyone who suffers from eating disorder brought on by counting calories (this was one thing that really triggered it bad for me) give this video I made a view
I share a little bit of my story as well as some tips to overcome ED. I really hope it can be a source of comfort and help for you all. I want you to know I'm here for you guys, and it seems like this community is here for me and the others overcoming or suffering from ED.

There is hope, we're all gonna make it, and we're gonna crush it!
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#1798 Old 02-20-2015, 08:48 PM
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Thanks for sharing your story PlantbasedJiuJitsu! Sounds like you have come a long way! I don't have a lot of experience with binge eating as I came from the other end of the spectrum (anorexia), but when I was severely underweight I went through periods of reactive bingeing (and sometimes purging) and that carried on even in periods of recovery. Though I am by no means cured, I too have come a long way. I don't really feel I will ever be over my ED completely. It will always lurk in the shadows and be there in some capacity, but I am trying to learn to keep it to a level of allowing me to function normally and be manageable. Frankly it still gives me something positive, a sense of control and focus when times are tough, and I think that makes it very hard to let go of completely. Every day is still a challenge and I have battled this for eight years now. I went through an intensive outpatient eating disorder program in 2009 for six months (followed by a relapse to my lowest weight ever as an adult and a very nasty time), saw a registered dietician who specializes in eating disorders for a few years, tried Eating Disorder Anonymous phone meetings, Celebrate Recovery through church, individual therapy, you name it. For me what has helped has been taking gradual baby steps towards health, not feeling backed into a corner or forced. And having positive goals to work towards. Not just physical health or overcoming Ed or the perfect diet or exercise regimen, but spiritual goals, work goals, relationship goals, and having some fun too! Just being able to let loose and be imperfect and laugh is so so important! For me, taking the focus off of food and body sometimes is very important, keeps me grounded in the present and engaged with the world around me. Very very hard to do sometimes.

Just acknowledging and realizing that you have an eating disorder is a huge step towards recovery! And telling your story is important too, giving a voice to your experience. Thanks again for sharing!
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#1799 Old 03-03-2015, 02:54 PM
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forgive me for just now posting a response to you're wonderful reply.
It's been a busy time for me in my life juggling so many things.

Honestly I think I feel a bit like you that it's not something I will ever be "completely rid of".

I have days where I'm not in fact binge eating, I don't sit there and shove massive amounts of food down my throat, but since I ate a bit more or over indulged I still get a panic or anxiety thinking I did in fact binge.
I think part of what's really helping me maintain my sanity is lifting weights, doing yoga, and staying focused on goals like you. I've got a page on youtube that I continue to work on, a great job, and a lot of goals that I'm staying focused on. I keep reminding my self I'm eating amazing wonderful foods that are fueling my performance in workouts and helping me feel amazing.

I think what's been one of the biggest things too is finally admitting I have a problem. I went for so long thinking it wasn't anything serious,a phase, no big deal, and it wasn't until I accepted the fact this was eating disorder and it is a problem and most of all going around to friends and talking about it.. that's when I really started to feel a bit free from it.

I may have mentioned it in the previous post that I'm working on a series about eating disorder,the various disorders, my experience with it and sharing my story. I feel just sitting and recording that felt like a bit of a spiritual cleansing and when I finally upload and share it in the coming month well.. I'll see what happens but once again it really feels like something hat's finally set me free.

I've also taken some time to look at ED Forums and Reddits to see others stories, reach out to others, and share mine as well.

I guess knowing I'm not alone in it is just one big help
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From Vegan Nutrition to the everyday person to the hardcore athlete, I'm here for you every step of the way!

To those of you already part of the vegan movement, let's show these people what we can do for the world AND our bodies!


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#1800 Old 03-09-2015, 01:20 PM
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hey guys! I know I mentioned in a few posts that I was working on a series about Eating Disorder for my blog!

Here's the first video:

I go over what exactly Eating Disorder is. I plan to share my story through all the videos so stay tuned and let me know what you think!

I plan to change lives, I plan to make the world a better place, and I plan to do it by sharing my story and educating all those wiling to learn.

From Vegan Nutrition to the everyday person to the hardcore athlete, I'm here for you every step of the way!

To those of you already part of the vegan movement, let's show these people what we can do for the world AND our bodies!


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