I have to admit I'm beyond happy to have found this thread. If I'm out of line or need to post all of this somewhere else I understand completely just point me in the right direction.
I've suffered from ED for many years, but it wasn't until close to about 2 years ago I finally admit I in fact had a problem (a mix of binge eating disorder and anorexia, I'm very athletic and workout a lot and I would eat, but sometimes no where near enough for the physical activity I was doing).
A lot of it stemmed from being restrictive on my diet so much, being obese at one point in my life (315lbs, currently 157lbs with 7%BF) and having a fear of putting so much weight back on, wanting to perform like a jiu jitsu machine (that's my sport of choice haha) and counting calories as well.
I'll keep my story short for now because it's still hard to talk about. I actually run a vegan health and wellness video blog which next month I plan to release a huge series about eating disorder. When the video goes up where I share my full story I'd love to share it with you guys.
I hope that through my experiences I can find some comfort and move on, and most of all I can reach out and help you.
My post is all over the place but to get to the point and keep the story as short and simple as possible here we go:
It was at about 19 when I finally woke up and started losing weight. I was having a healthy relationship with food and even was a vegetarian for a while. At about 21/22 I started working out ALOT more, I felt I needed to put meat back into the equation because it was something I really needed to succeed in fitness.
It was at this point I was dropping weight, feeling good, and not too worried. Eventually I didn't pay much attention but I started to notice some days I'd come home and spend the nights just eating. I'd sit and watch TV and finish an entire pint of ice cream or a whole box of cereal, etc. I didn't really think about it much, and it was just happening once or twice a week. I figured maybe I was just extra hungry that day, what ever.
Eventually as time passed I started to have some personal issues going on with my life and work and noticed this eating thing was becoming a once every night to every other night thing.
I found brazilian jiu jitsu and that really sort of calmed me down. I was stabilizing, eating well, everything was good. It was in 2011 I had to compete at worlds. It was my first time competing and cutting weight and I didn't know alot of nutrition at the time. I was for sure undereating and struggling but I kept pushing through it just to see that goal at the end: making weight and fighting.
As time passed I noticed my behaviour was very snappy, I was really irritated alot, and I looked at food horribly. I wouldn't touch anything I felt was junk or bad for me, hell I Was even restricting fruit at one point.
I made it, I fought made weight, and I didnt win but had a great time.
This is when the bad happened. I deprived my self of sweets, treats and all that for so long that when my friends brought the treats in to celebrate the hard work well.. I went crazy. I ate a whole dozen of donuts on my own and half a extra large pizza. I felt like crap but I didn't care, I had missed these foods so much and felt I was never gonna see them again.
As time passed I noticed I went back onto my binge habit. Every other night to every two nights I would binge. It would ALWAYS be junk too: Ice Cream, Cookies, Pizza, etc. Everything I labeled in my mind during training as "evil" or "bad for me" I was going crazy on. During the day I'd have no issues staying away from it, but once I was home alone at night it would get bad.
Time passed and it became a constant habit of binge eating, feeling like crap the day after, and running to the bathroom non stop because I was so bloated and uncomfortable. It really started to effect my workouts, my personal life, my professional life, etc. I'd be such a horribly picky eater during the day, and when no one watches me at night I'd go crazy. This went on for a few years until 2 years ago I became a vegan.
I'd have days and moments where I'd binge but because I wasn't looking at food as bad or restricted well.. I slowly stopped binging cause I could tell my self "This food isn't restricted, don't worry have a little, more will be here tomorrow, it's okay." I started to have a much better positive relationship.
Time progressed, I met a girl, had a relationship and then we broke up. The breakup stressed me and lead to triggering binge eating again but it didn't last very long. I took the time to train hard for American Nationals in 2014, my diet was stabilizing, my relationship with food was healthy and the binge eating stopped.
Honestly things got better for me until Christmas. My family still gives me a hard time for being vegan, they stare at me as I eat, they think I'm insanely skinny as well as crazy (all my friends who I train with who are massively athletic say I look fit and healthy, and the day I look like skeltor they will force feed me a vegan cheese burger
hahaha!) and they think I need to start taking more responsibility for my health and diet. I had just became Buddhist recently and was having a hard time that night I took it out on my self and ate an entire vegan pumpkin pie. For a few days I sort of had a bit of a relapse just eating out of emotion and stress and thinking "maybe they are right, maybe I need to eat more, maybe I'm crazy."
Eventually it took some talking to friends and this time finally going online on my personal facebook making a post saying "I'm here right now letting you guys know for many years I wasn't willing to acknowledge and accept that I am suffering from eating disorder. I'm here to tell you guys that I'm here today because I've battled it many times, over came it, and recently had a falling back. I just need support, I just need to realize it's okay and I will be fine."
It was when I finally opened up to everyone I cared about that I finally felt free. I didn't look at it as a taboo, my friends came to me with so much advice and help, and now I'm feeling the best I've ever felt. I still have some nights where I get stressed and eat a bit more then I should but I have to remind my self its not the end of the world and I'm working out so hard and doing so well. I take measurements of my self once a week and I've noticed that I'm doing nothing but constantly losing inches, building muscle, and my physical performance is shooting through the roof! As a nutrition nerd and athlete I have to remind my self when we workout really hard, we need to refuel our selves properly. I'm not binging, I'm not shovling down food like its the end of the world, and I have to realize it's okay to have an extra piece of fruit, that extra spoon of almond butter, or a scoop of vegan ice cream.
I really hope my story wasn't too long or boring or all over the place. I'm still coming to terms with a lot of this and still growing and learning from all of it. I hope my story can be of some help to others. I'd love any input from people as well as what they do to help overcome binge eating.
Also to anyone who suffers from eating disorder brought on by counting calories (this was one thing that really triggered it bad for me) give this video I made a view
I share a little bit of my story as well as some tips to overcome ED. I really hope it can be a source of comfort and help for you all. I want you to know I'm here for you guys, and it seems like this community is here for me and the others overcoming or suffering from ED.
There is hope, we're all gonna make it, and we're gonna crush it!