Eat to Live VII: Eating Disorder Recovery Support - Page 2 - VeggieBoards
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#31 Old 02-15-2008, 12:25 PM
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so..um..hi. im back. i have to go to work, but ill return. i hope you're all doing ok.

my awesome happy stint is wavering. its been the longest time ever, thought i was home free but cliched little me has broken up with a boy and is now struggling to not fade away . but thats just it,this time i AM struggling, all this hard work was NOT for nothing and i KNOW i look and feel better now goshdamit. so im here. because...i can see two roads and am scared of which one ill end up on...





love.
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#32 Old 02-15-2008, 12:46 PM
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Taurus. Don't fade. Don't ever fade. You are too important to so many people. It is about you, not the boy. Yes, it is sad. Yes, you'll miss him. But he is not you. You are more than that relationship, and you are more than your relationship with food. I know that. You know that, deep down.



I'm thinking about you taurus. Talk to me whenever you want.



Jasmina, I don't think anyone knows how to fix it. I don't think it can be "fixed" instantly. I know it can't, in fact. But it can, slowly, be mended.



Thinking of you all,



peace always



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#33 Old 02-16-2008, 10:31 AM
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Hey guys,



I'm new to these boards, and to this thread. Two weeks ago I was diagnosed with an 'a-typical' eating disorder ('a-typical' since I was the one who sought out help, I wasn't forced). Thing is: I really want to get better.



However, ever since me being diagnosed I have become so much more obsessed with food than I ever was before. I'm much more scared of eating, much more obsessed with exercising, etc. I'm frustrated and quite scared about everything.



I'm very glad this place exists, since I don't have anyone in my direct environment who relates to what I'm going through. (I just hope I'm sticking to the rules....)



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#34 Old 02-16-2008, 10:52 AM
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Originally Posted by V&R View Post

Hey guys,



I'm new to these boards, and to this thread. Two weeks ago I was diagnosed with an 'a-typical' eating disorder ('a-typical' since I was the one who sought out help, I wasn't forced). Thing is: I really want to get better.



However, ever since me being diagnosed I have become so much more obsessed with food than I ever was before. I'm much more scared of eating, much more obsessed with exercising, etc. I'm frustrated and quite scared about everything.



I'm very glad this place exists, since I don't have anyone in my direct environment who relates to what I'm going through. (I just hope I'm sticking to the rules....)








A-typical....as in, ED-NOS? [Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified]



That diagnosis is such a crap shoot....causes a lot of controvercy with patients and insurance and stuff.



Hi + welcome. :wave:

"you know, nowhere in the bible does it say that jesus was not a raptor"


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#35 Old 02-17-2008, 03:05 AM
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Originally Posted by V&R View Post




However, ever since me being diagnosed I have become so much more obsessed with food than I ever was before. I'm much more scared of eating, much more obsessed with exercising, etc. I'm frustrated and quite scared about everything.



I'm very glad this place exists, since I don't have anyone in my direct environment who relates to what I'm going through. (I just hope I'm sticking to the rules....)






You've stuck to them so far!! Hi, you are more than welcome to post here.



I know what you mean - since I was diagnosed and had to do something about it, food has become such a major factor in my life to a far greater extent than it was while I was in the real grip of the problem. You aren't the only one, trust me.



Oh, I've put weight on. I hate myself. I'm almost back to where I was before Christmas when I had that huge weight increase. I know I need to be (I know even that isn't enough), but I really don't want to be. Meh.



Positive - the line up for T in the Park this year is awesome. And I'm going! Camping!
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#36 Old 02-17-2008, 11:52 AM
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Thanks for your replies guys! You make me feel much better already!



Off-topic: Wicked that you're going to T in the Park! Are there any good bands performing?

Last August I went to Lowlands Festival (a three day Dutch festival, with camping as well) and, when I came across my pictures the other day, I suddenly remembered how great a time I had!! I definately look forward to festival season this year!!



xx
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#37 Old 02-18-2008, 03:07 AM
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V&R - let me remember - REM, the Verve (who I didn't even know were still playing!), Amy Winehouse, Fratellis, ermmm...lots of others I can't remember.



You can post any time you want support.
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#38 Old 02-18-2008, 07:01 AM
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piratemoon, I saw the fratellis live last year and they were awesome! Well actually, they weren't great but the atmosphere was amazing! I'm going to my first ever festival this year! Just a small one, Rockness, but it should be gooood.



I'm doing better people! The main thing I need to work on is eating 3 meals a day, because for a while there I was only eating twice a day, and that's when I start to freak out about amounts /etc. Also, I'm in a situation right now where I can't use the kitchen very much, so my food largely consists of bread and hummus! It is tasty though.

I still can't decided whether or not I need to be doing more exercise... right now I walk for at least an hour a day (and I walk fast!), and i feel like that is enough. I think in the Summer when I have more money I might have a look at taking some kickboxing classes or something.

Anyway, yeah. I kinda feel like I'm back to square one... but I knew it would be hard after I got ill only a few months after beginning "recovery".

I have a great coping strategy for when I feel awful, too : don't look in mirrors! My eczema is appalling on my face right now, and everytime I see my reflection I want to cry, but I'm absolutely fine if I don't look! It's so ridiculous!

Oh yeah, the other thing is that my appetite has decreased significantly since I started taking nexium for my acid reflux, and I'm having trouble eating enough in the mornings- I don't have time for a sit-down meal so I end up having something stupid like a satsuma or something. BUT I do usually get a Trek bar (raw proteiny thing) when I get to uni. So I guess it's not that bad. Expensive, though!

Hmm well this is probably pretty incoherent. Oh well. I'm away to have a coffee
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#39 Old 02-18-2008, 07:57 AM
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I know i've been MIA but i haven't been behaving too well the past couple of days. I've been self destructing in more ways than one. I know why, treatment is in thirty minutes.



I am writing down how it goes for you guys later. I am so very nervous
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#40 Old 02-19-2008, 03:00 AM
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Raddish, you sound like you are doing ok. I hope it keeps happening for you. And YEY on the festival. My first (and thus far only) festival was T in the Park in 2001. It was amazing, the music was fab (Dandy Warholes, GREENDAY, Gwen Stefani (who I love in terms of style)), and I bought a wizard's hat and the worst taste rainbow striped jacket in the world!



Hmm, me. I don't know. I seem to be back to cheating today. *Sigh*. Ack, I don't know what to do. I'm ok, and not ok, and scared of being both.



Positive - going to look at a new car this morning, after the old one was so tragically murdered...
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#41 Old 02-19-2008, 08:55 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by V&R View Post

Hey guys,



I'm new to these boards, and to this thread. Two weeks ago I was diagnosed with an 'a-typical' eating disorder ('a-typical' since I was the one who sought out help, I wasn't forced). Thing is: I really want to get better.



However, ever since me being diagnosed I have become so much more obsessed with food than I ever was before. I'm much more scared of eating, much more obsessed with exercising, etc. I'm frustrated and quite scared about everything.



I'm very glad this place exists, since I don't have anyone in my direct environment who relates to what I'm going through. (I just hope I'm sticking to the rules....)






Welcome! You should be proud of your courage in wanting to get better.



Food is so hard not to obsess about. We are sent messages from every direction about what we should eat, what we shouldn't, and we're all confused about how to really eat. I wish you much luck in the future! Hope to see you posting with your progress.
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#42 Old 02-20-2008, 06:22 PM
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So this is kind of "triggering" so I'll put it in spoilers::



Warning: Spoiler! (Click to show)
I tried on my skinny pants the other day and they didn't fit. So I cut. First time in a WHILE that I've done any SI at all.




Doing better now. I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow too.

"you know, nowhere in the bible does it say that jesus was not a raptor"


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#43 Old 02-21-2008, 04:34 AM
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Scorpius -
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#44 Old 02-21-2008, 01:25 PM
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V&R, welcome to the thread



I'm back from Prague, and i'm not quite sure how it went. As far as food/eating goes: It was freezing over there, and i was tired all the time. The only comfort i had seemed to be eating.... so i ate a lot... for me anyway. Sweet things and cheese sandwiches for breakfast... lunch was smaller, but i never quite felt hungry enough for it after the breakfast, and i always had a cake or something after.... tea was mainly italian food, since that was kind of all i could eat, as there was a lot of meat. And i was eating icecreams and things in betweeen. I ate a lot everyday, and this was fine i think, since i was only there for 4 days. I feel i can get back into my usual routine again now. But, what if i ever went away for longer than that, say for 2 weeks? I dread to think how much weight i'd gain, and how horrible i'd start to look and feel in my clothes.



So the food thing was ok, just because i wasn't there long enough for it to have an impact. But the food thing wasn't my problem when i was there, it was my body image thing. I've felt awful everyday, and i don't know whose fault it is. Whether it's my boyfriends, or me being paranoid as usual. I just feel ugly, and like i'm not really what he wants. There were couples everywhere, kissing, cuddling, getting their photos taken, etc., and we didn't seem to do any of those things. I tried to kiss him in the town square, and he moved away. We've got one photo of us together, it's not very good, but if it wasn't for me, we wouldn't have any. I feel like he doesn't want any photos of me. And, who can blame him really? I take awful photos, i'm horrible to look at. When we were in Poland i said i'd ask the waiter to take a photo of us at the table, and he wouldn't let me. So we've got no photos of us together in Poland.



Sorry for going on, but i'm feeling really low at the moment, i've been moping around the house all day.



A good thing..... 2 magpies are building a nest in a tree in the garden opposite my bedroom window. They're really cute, the tree is flat, and the nest is right on top. They've been jumping around it all day. I only hope it doesn't get too windy!
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#45 Old 02-21-2008, 04:06 PM
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Poor starlass. I think that you have to take the positive - you did it! You went to Prague, and you coped. Don't overanalyse it now. You did it.



About your boyfriend. I don't know what he really does or doesn't feel about, your image and body, but in a way that is not what matters. What matters is how you feel. You are never going to beleive that someone else thinks that you are beautiful when you don't yourself. I'm not berating you in any way, please don't think that, but in the end it is only your self esteem that can work. Others can say so much, but they can't convince you. I hope you find the peace with yourself that you deserve.



Perfectionism catches you in a loop. Perhaps it is time to be compassionate to ourselves for a change, and cease expecting the unacheiveable. It only disappoints further, and leads to feelings of inadequacy. I was talking about this with my therapist, but I still think that striving for acheivement is part of who I am. I don't want to change who I am. I sometimes feel like she isn't pushing me in any direction, that she is part of this softly softly, risky-suing culture that refuses to push people. I like her, don't get me wrong, but...hmmm.
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#46 Old 02-21-2008, 04:12 PM
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Ugh, I think I might be getting paranoid. The food log makes me think that I eat so much, and that some people eat so little. Argh. I don't want to stop posting on it, or stop reading it, because I like it, but sometimes it is just so triggering. Damn.



I found out today that my old driving instructor died on Sunday. I'm quite upset, I really liked him. His partner invited me to the funeral because she found a get well card that i sent ages ago, and it had my number on it, because I wanted him to give me a call when he went back to work so I could have refresher lessons. He taught me and my best friends to drive.
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#47 Old 02-21-2008, 05:00 PM
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hi guys. im so sorry for being a bad poster. this is gonna be a rant because nothing else will make the tears stop, then im gonna have a shower..and come back and calmly reply to all other posters. eheh.



things have been really great..and then they went a bit dodgy (in that i want to lose just like..a few kilos and i haven't wanted that for ages. and its justified, not in my head, i think) but none the less i was feeling ok..not a fan of the gain but able to deal with it without completely hating myself y'know? there are other things in life that are way more important!! but today the whole period thing started , as it does, and ive eaten so much food. the last three days i haven't even just 'maintained' my slightly offputting weight, i think ive probably GAINED. i m struggle to not want to LOSE, i dont want to get BIGGER?! i just..i feel so helpless and horrible right now. and have a big function tonight and life has been so fun but suddenly i just want to hide and feel horrible and gross ..and STILL HUNGRY.



i haven't felt this not ok in ages, and i can't make it go away.
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#48 Old 02-21-2008, 07:25 PM
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Edited.
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#49 Old 02-21-2008, 07:44 PM
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Romina, I am so sorry you are going through this. Do you have a professional you can speak with?

"Yes! Live! Life's a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!" Auntie Mame
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#50 Old 02-21-2008, 07:58 PM
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#51 Old 02-21-2008, 08:17 PM
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That's not too much info at all. It's relevant to your health and therefore, this thread.



Do you have any plans to gain more independence from your family (maybe going away to school or something)?



Sometimes even when you are doing everything you can to get better the people around you won't be able to see it, won't help you in the way you need to be supported and that is so challenging. Try not to internalize it! Know that you *are* doing well, that you are making choices and healing yourself. Many people here understand what you are going through and can be a support for you.

"Yes! Live! Life's a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!" Auntie Mame
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#52 Old 02-21-2008, 08:37 PM
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#53 Old 02-21-2008, 11:59 PM
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romina i wish i had some great advice..but i don't. i do however want you to be sure you're NOT alone, we might not be 'real life' in here but we're definetely real and are reeeeeeeeeal ..ly here for you, and really understand. we're going to help you sort this out, y'know? xoxo



and as for my prior rant, i actually feel a tiny bit better already. so SO MUCH of this is in our heads. i feel huge, bulging , disgusting..but you know what? i forced myself out of the house today (day off from work) and NOBODY even NOTICES what you weigh. they really don't. And this boy who i've had a crush on for foreeeever asked me out as soon as i told him about the break up. and he even commented on how good i looked...which i found bizarre. but you know what? when OTHER people think something about you' looking good' they DONT mean 'you look so skinny, its great' ...they usually mean other things..IMPORTANT and ATTRACTIVE things ..like 'you look healthy ','you have so much energy' , 'you're glowing'...and i think..i think id rather that after all if this makes any sense..i dont know..
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#54 Old 02-22-2008, 05:46 PM
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I'm not doing okay right now.

I just had a horrible binge (of course followed by a not so relieving purge). I feel guilty. My whole body is shaking.

I had a hard week. I did not go to the support group. I did not post here. I was horribly impatient and rude with my roomates all week.

Even though I've been sticking to my bigger daily calories amount, I experimented a new devouring hunger. Feels like a ****ing howling beast inside my body. My. nerves. are. cracking.
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#55 Old 02-22-2008, 09:06 PM
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I'm not doing okay right now.

I just had a horrible binge (of course followed by a not so relieving purge). I feel guilty. My whole body is shaking.

I had a hard week. I did not go to the support group. I did not post here. I was horribly impatient and rude with my roomates all week.

Even though I've been sticking to my bigger daily calories amount, I experimented a new devouring hunger. Feels like a ****ing howling beast inside my body. My. nerves. are. cracking.



aww honey. seriously, that sounds awful. hunger scares me but giving in to it is also scary. i know.



if you binge again though...keep in mind that it takes a lot more to gain weight than we realise. when i first stopped purging i couldn't kick the bingeing right away...and my weight didn't budge. it takes a LOT of calories to gain. so there's room for a bit of a learning curve, and you've gotta start somewhere. are you seeing a therapist? do you know where the binges come from? whats going on ?



much love.
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#56 Old 02-23-2008, 04:59 PM
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i feel like i'm eating way too much, considering how much time i spend sitting on my ass all day.

not enough activity; i am flabby.

but apparently my weight is very low.



i don't know.

i thought weight didn't matter; smash your scales and all that

ugh.



otherwise, things are going fairly well.

i'm sending off my transcript and letters and such to the university of guelph next week, so there's something to look forward to.
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#57 Old 02-23-2008, 09:07 PM
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So this is kinda crazy...



..I had a dream the other day that prompted me to eat!



In the dream, I was driving to work but my mind was all 'effed up in that "Starvation Fog of Stupidness" ((as I call it)), and ended up driving aimlessly and poorly to somewhere and I was completely lost and disoriented ((actually, that could probably be read at a deeper level...hmmmm...)).



Anyways moral of the story is that when I woke up, I wasn't planning on having a snack, but I did. And I didn't get the Starvation Fog of Stupidness when I went to work that afternoon, which is good.



Hope all is well with everyone else! I know this time of the year is really bad for me.

"you know, nowhere in the bible does it say that jesus was not a raptor"


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#58 Old 02-23-2008, 10:14 PM
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I haven't posted here in a while, but I thought I was doing better. I decided to join a gym because my physical therapist suggested it. I feel like I'm working backwords now. My neutritionist is asking me to get at least 40 grams of protein. I did okay for the first week, then I almost stopped eating protein. I know not to go to the gym if I haven't had enough protein, but I feel differetly when I don't have the protein. I am wondering if I am damaging myself by not getting the protein I need to survive? Does anyone know? I am trying to watch this so I don't over-exercise and under-eat again. I think I'm doing okay on calories but not on protein.
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#59 Old 02-24-2008, 07:31 AM
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thanks taurus for the kind words. Yesterday night I felt the incredibly huge hunger again, paired with the need to binge again, so I ate, but I didn't binge ate! In fact, I think I can say I ate a non-starving amount of calories yesterday... for the first time in over six months. I feel proud and horrified at the same time.



Biorobotics, I don't know, maybe I'm only trying to justify the fact that I use my scale obsessively, but sometimes I feel it's a great tool when you cannot rely on your own mind to tell you if you eat enough or not. Maybe this is not clear, for example, if the scale tells you you've been losing weight, maybe it's a sign you don't eat enough even if your head and your mirror tells you the opposite. Ah I don't know, anyway, don't be so hard on yourself
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#60 Old 02-24-2008, 08:47 PM
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bio: reading your foodlogs, you aren't eating enough, hun..
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