Eat To Live VI: Eating Disorder Recovery Support - Page 14 - VeggieBoards
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#391 Old 08-05-2005, 08:36 PM
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i hate how he keeps offering me food over and over again when i say i don't want any. i hate how he never believes me when i say i'm not hungry. i hate how he always has this kind of worried look in his eyes when i turn down food. i hate how even though the other day i made a show of eating what i thought was a ridiculous amount of food in front of him, he still later wouldn't believe me when i said i wasn't hungry - said it was the most he'd ever seen me eat, but it wasn't really enough.



i hate that it still really isn't enough :/ i hate that i'm sliding back and back and back. i hate that my mind snapped yesterday when they kept asking if i wanted to get (insert food item) or (insert other food item), or when his dad asked why i'm vegan (because how do you say to your boy's father that sure, you went vegetarian for the animals, but you went vegan during your first terribly botched anorexia recovery attempt because it made the idea of food a lot less scary for you?). and i REALLY hate that after i made the big show of eating in front of him yesterday, i went and puked in his toilet while he was out of the house.







eh, positive - i'd only known this boy for like a week or so (if that) before he started expressing concern at my eating habits. it means he notices, knows that something's potentially up.. and that scares the hell out of me, but i know that it means he can help me before i let it get out of control again. i don't want it to get out of control again o.o this all just snuck right up on me, unlike other relapses/setbacks where i knew all along what i was doing. now i'm just... here again, and it sucks.
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#392 Old 08-06-2005, 12:26 AM
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Mayuuuuu :hugs: I think it's a good thing that he notices and cares. Sometimes it's helpful to have another person to hold you accountable. I know I lean on Stephen a lot, maybe more than I should, but you know and I know that it's terribly easy to fall into a relapse and have your perception get all distorted, and the observations of someone close really help to force you to notice. Or something. I'm tired and rambly tonight. But I hearts you.
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#393 Old 08-06-2005, 01:06 AM
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kat - i hearts you too!
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#394 Old 08-06-2005, 10:42 AM
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jen -



You know you can always talk to me... and I agree with Kat that sometimes it's helpful to have someone holding you accountable, and Zack always makes sure that I eat when I'm supposed to.
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#395 Old 08-06-2005, 10:55 PM
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this part x-posted to the FIFL:



I hate when people say stupid stuff... this morning at breakfast I was picking at different things, like always, and my (overweight) mother jokingly said "stop doing that or you'll look like me when you're 50." I got so offended and hurt. she felt really bad, too, and I told her it made ZERO sense since all I ever do is pick at stuff, I didnt eat a full ANYTHING whereas she and my psuedo-stepdad were. She felt really bad, too, when she saw how upset I got.



today I went to a party for my mom's friend, who I've known for about 7 or so years. her friend kept introducing me as "this is Ann, the baby...or at least she USED to be when I met her, now she's the Model..." It was nice to hear, and I liked my outfit and all, but ate a lot but still, I kept getting things like that. It was nice. Though I did for some reason imagine a terrible situation in which I ask my boyfriend if I look like a model and he says "yeah, maybe if you were a little thinner." I dont know WHY I imagined that, he's never said anything like that to me, but it terrifies me. I dont even CARE if I look like a model, all I know is that you're thin if you look like one, and I'd feel fat if I was anything but thin, you know?
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#396 Old 08-06-2005, 11:09 PM
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Yeah, people can be pretty inconsiderate. My mom, even though she's been with me through all my bouts of EDNOS and DDNOS (eating disorder and depressive disorder "not otherwise specified" - I like to say they knew SOMETHING was wrong, but they just couldn't place it) and hospitalizations, says the most hurtful things sometimes. I'm getting ready to go away to school (moving in 5 days from NYC to LA), and all she can talk about is how she doesn't think I'll survive. It's hurtful and it's killing my own confidence in myself and my ability to be resilient and get through things; I'm starting to have doubts.



All I can say is that you've just got to take everything in stride. Just keep going. Sometimes it helps to (calmly) explain to the offender why their words could have been better chosen. "Aunt Hilda, I'm grateful that you're trying to compliment/help me, but I'd appreciate it if you didn't offer comments/suggestions/opinions on my body...", etc.
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#397 Old 08-07-2005, 05:32 PM
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hey everybody.. I'm new. Joined the board last night. My name is Cassie. Anyways, I've struggled with my e/d since I was 13 but I've had disorderd eating ever since I can remember. I've been trying to eat healthier amounts and all since March and I've been doing pretty okay but I'll freak out every now and then and not eat for a few days.. I'm just so tired of this and I'm tired of fighting alone. Well, I hope its alright that I posted in your thread. I was sort of happy in a weird way to see that there are some people who struggle with similar things as I do here.

later.
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#398 Old 08-08-2005, 05:56 PM
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okay.. well, nevermind about the above post because I ****ing give up. I don't know why I was even thinking I'm worth recovery. I can't do this.

I wish you all the best of luck though.
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#399 Old 08-08-2005, 06:09 PM
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DG: :hugs: I know what you're going through all too well.



Maybe one day we'll be able to do this. I pray we do.
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#400 Old 08-08-2005, 09:58 PM
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*hugs* DG and porvida. Sounds like you are both having it a bit tough at the moment.



Don't give up DG, theres always light at the end of the tunnel, and think about it this way: You wouldnt be here on this earth to begin with if you weren't meant to be. There is always a reason to recover, no matter how small or insignificant it seems. You deserve to be happy as much as anyone else does, you just have to be prepared to let yourself be happy. Take it one step at a time, and you will get there. Keep posting in this thread and you won't feel so alone. Everyone here wants to get better and help others to do the same. PM me if you want someone to talk to.



Porvida, I know what its like to have people marvelling over how thin you are one minute and parents etc telling you the opposite sometimes. Neither train of thought is good to take too literally, but they don't mean it to have the detrimental effect on our thoughts that it usually does. Just ignore these comments.
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#401 Old 08-08-2005, 10:13 PM
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hey everyone... i havent posted in a long time. i had a question that i really need answered, due to immense guilt over being full.



when i make myself eat a really good, large meal, when i was hungry, i feel immensely guilty for it immediately after... i feel so full to the point that i feel like ill be sick. im wondering, is it bc my stomach needs stretching out?? i used to be able to eat good meals, with still feeling good when its over



please reply, so i know how to feel.

thanks.
#402 Old 08-08-2005, 10:31 PM
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if you've been restricting a really long time, it may be that your body is in famine mode and it doesn't know what to do with al that good food. i belive its called re-feeeding syndrome, and I had it too. I was sick for six days after i decided to stop restricting, and i was throwing up food i had eaten three days prior; it wasn't getting through my system because it was such a shock.

go slowly, enjoy your food and take baby steps. the biggest step is sitting down and eating a proper meal, but you have to do it in a way that doesn't harm your body or your mind, because your mind might be freaking out too. i hope this helps. good luck!
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#403 Old 08-09-2005, 03:04 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnikaBaanaica View Post

, Remuda Ranch for 4months



When were you at the ranch?? I was there for almost 4 months in 1999 (the adolescent center)
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#404 Old 08-09-2005, 09:00 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MissKatie View Post

When were you at the ranch?? I was there for almost 4 months in 1999 (the adolescent center)



Yes I was at Del Sol in Aug 2003-Dec 2003.



What time of year were you there? What house where you in? Who was your treatment team? Did it help you? Who was your horse?
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#405 Old 08-09-2005, 10:42 PM
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You get a horse?



My mom has mentioned sending me to in-patient (Remuda Ranch was one she mentioned), but she can't force me since I'm 20, so the choice is basically mine. How did you guys like Remuda, how much did it help, and what is the cost like?



And Annika! Long time no see! I hope you're doing well.
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#406 Old 08-10-2005, 07:56 AM
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I really liked Remuda, I think it helped alot even though I have relapsed since I got back...I am I much better person. It also trenmendosly helped my family because of family week, which is a week were families go to the Ranch and have 40 hours of family therapy/groups/learning/chapel, my brother and sister came with my parents and I think it helped them alot since they had watched me starve myself practicaly to death, feared i would died and visited me in acute care while i was hooked up to heart monitors and feed through an IV. The program is amazing, I really like the way they do refeeding and I liked how they offered a tube feeding for weight gain, most programs use it as punishment but at the Ranch it was in all the time, only hooked up at night, and totaly accepted (about half the girls on weight gain get them). The Ranch is very expensive however, most insurances DO NOT COVER IT mine did not, so my parents paid the $97,000 for the first 2 months at the Ranch and an additional $36,000 for 2 months at the Life program (an optional program that is still inpatient but with alot more freedoms).
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#407 Old 08-10-2005, 12:29 PM
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The only IP program I've ever been in was not specifically for e/ds. I wish I had gone to one for e/ds though. Actually, all I want right now is a therapist or something. I really want somebody to talk to. My parents would flip if I asked to get another therapist though.
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#408 Old 08-12-2005, 06:37 AM
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Okay, if I write it down I will have to stick to it.



As of tonight (after just having done it), I will no longer spit out food.



I don't have an eating disorder but it is a very bad disordered habit I've developed and latched onto. I do it only really with junky food - chocolate, biscuits, choc peanut spread .. and I'm at the point now where I'm doing it a few times a day. And I finds it hard to put it in my mouth without thinking 'why have all that fat and sugar and calories when you can just have the taste and not swallow?'. I think at the moment I'm going to aim to just eat 3 healthy meals a day and steer clear of them junk and the chew/spit reaction.



Okay...must stick to this...
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#409 Old 08-14-2005, 01:23 AM
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alrighty...



I know it seems like I'm at a complete standstill, if not backsliding. if you've read my food log, you're probably frustrated with me.



but the truth is, I am doing better. In my habits and mannerisms, I almost look like a normal person eating a meal when I eat.



When there's a sandwich on my plate now, I pick it up and take a bite rather than taking it apart and cutting each part into tiny bits. I don't cut my pasta into 1/2 inch long sections and eat them one piece at a time anymore (I still don't eat more than one noodle at a time, but they're not in perfect sections lined up on my plate anymore.)



I look forward to dinner about half the time and then eat it with no trouble, rather than before when I always dreaded it and struggled with each bite.





On the other hand- I really REALLY REALLY hate all this weight gain. I feel so... solid and substantial. Heavy. dense. leaden. like it would be hard to take off and disappear if neccesary because my body is so cumbersome.



It's like... before, I was a piece of tissue paper. Fragile, easily damaged, but light. If you're making things with paper, you make butterfly wings out of tissue paper. Now I'm heavy industrial carboard. The kind you can't cut with regular scissors. The kind you can hold flat and have someone stand in the middle and it won't cave in because it's so thick and solid. and brown and so dull. You don't make butterfly wings out of cardboard unless you want your butterfly to fall- thud on the floor.



I can hear the floorboards squeaking beneath my feet. I'm disturbing the balance of the house with my weightiness. I hate it.



positive: I've got my CDs back from my parents. Rent! Ragtime! Pippin! oh, how I've missed you little round pieces of shiny plastic!
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#410 Old 08-14-2005, 03:55 AM
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Keep on going, Angel. I know how rough it is. It takes a ton of strength and motivation to be able to change your habits the way you are, and I know you've got it in you. forgive me, because this is an unlikely comparison, but just as dance takes a lot of willpower and determination - so does this. So treat your recovery as though you're working hard at acheiving a new routine or something. Don't give up - there's really no such thing as "failing" - you just have to keep going, learn what works for you and what doesn't, and it will get better. Congrats on the CDs!



I've been inpatient + outpatient in NY at Cornell and at Renfrew. Cornell was just an all around awful exerience that I wouldn't recommend for anyone. Renfrew, I definitely recommend, though. Their program is focused specifially towards eating disorders and for the most past geared toward women.



In my own case.. I haven't been doing so well. It's like no matter how hard I try, I just can't do it. It's not even that I don't want to. It's that I'll physically feel hungry, prepare something for myself - a bowl of cereal, some pasta, whatever- take two bites and be absolutely full. So full that I feel physically sick if I try to push myself to keep going. I can barely stomach anything. i'm trying, I really am. But I literally can only eat two bites. i can't force myself any more. picking up/slowing down the pace doesn't help. I don't know what to do. i really want to do this. I want to get better. I want to be abe to eat a full, healthy meal. But I just can't.



Does anyone have any recommendations for that?
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#411 Old 08-14-2005, 08:50 AM
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Ella, I'm glad to hear you say that your mannerisms are improving, b/c your food logs have been worrying me. I can relate to what you're saying about feeling more solid. I have gained a lot of weight since my lowest point and it isn't easy I know, but now I actually like it sometimes. Sure I have bad body image days, but I like the fact that I have a strong, solid body. Like this one time, I was playing a game with my brothers and some neighbor kids and this other kid and I collided and both fell down hard. We were both fine, but the guy was all worried that he had hurt me, but my brother said "no, she's fine. Beth is well put together." And him saying that really made me proud of my body. No body needs to me worried about breaking me. I'm not fragile or delicate. But that doesn't mean that I'm not worthwhile or even beautiful. You know how when you're younger, there are things that are just for looking at, and things that you can play with? Like I had a lot of those Precious Moments figurines when I was younger. And I didn't really care for them too much b/c they were boring and I couldn't do anything with them. But my toys that I could touch and play with and throw down the stairs, those were the fun ones. Those are the one that I enjoyed. There's nothing wrong with not being fragile!



Sure butterfly wings are pretty, but you can't even touch them; you can't do anything with them. And once they tear, they are useless. And they wither and die in like 3 weeks. I'd rather be something strong and durable that will stand the test of time...something solid that can support people standing on it, that you can build things with, without worrying about whether or not it will break.



Take care Ella. I hope that one day you can see how beautiful you are.
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#412 Old 08-14-2005, 02:02 PM
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I feel like crap. I'm so tired of this.. one minute I think I want to get better the next I don't.. I just wish I would make up my mind.
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#413 Old 08-22-2005, 04:05 PM
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GOD I HATE MYSELF.

I've been B/Ping like a madwoman, and I feel so absolutely terrible.

I want it to go away so bad. and I keep trying. and then I just get sucked back into it, again and again.

I just wish I could be healthy, and happy.

I wish I wouldn't HURT all the time. physically. mentally. I wish I wasn't always saying 'i'll just have a bite' and then when I actually eat the bowl of whatever it was, like I probably should, halfway through I'm already planning purging it.



I'm scaring the **** out of myself. I don't want to die. I don't want to have a heart failure because I'm destroying myself so much. I don't want to wreck my body and die early because I'm a total idiot.



I stood at the sink today, empty, with the water running and just staring. I was so scared. I hurt myself so badly. its not normal, my body is suffering so much from what I do to it. I can't deny it anymore. I stood there, watching the water and I just put my head down and started crying. Got completely soaked just from the water from the faucet but I couldn't help it. I don't know what to DO. nobody knows I'm still so far into this, and they just put food in front of me because they think I'm normal again, and I'm not I'm not I'm NOT. and I eat and hate myself and kill myself bit by bit. and I'm SO scared. I just wanted to pass out. call an ambulance for myself and have someone drag me away to a hospital somewhere so I could maybe get some help in this...because nobody here gets it, and no one would know what to do. I just know I'm going to collapse one of these days. my body won't be able to take it and I'll be lying half-dead, shaking and scared out of my mind that I'm going to die, unless I do something about it now.

and I HATE that Ive been saying this over and over. I'm so addicted, and so stuck. I want to get out, and I keep failing. it should be easy...but at this point I can't even picture life without food problems. Without always worrying about food, and being able to eat something without worrying tat I'm eating too much, how many calories it has, and if I'll have to make myself pay for it later.





**** screw it I'm telling my mom. she needs to know, if for no other reason that maybe she can help me.
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#414 Old 08-22-2005, 07:20 PM
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porvida, please do tell your mom. And get to see a professional, please. You need some help to beat this. This is a really hard thing and you shouldn't have to do it alone. I know how you're feeling about not really having control and that it's never going to end. It's not going to just go away on its own, but with help and work you can have a healthy relationship with food and your body again. I mean, it's not easy...but things that are worth doing rarely are.
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#415 Old 08-23-2005, 09:30 AM
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I suffer from anorecia for some years now . I need to get into revovery but I cant. I just keep loosing weight. I just want to keep getting smaller and smaller untill i guess i disappear. hopely i can get the strength to get help from comming here.
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#416 Old 08-24-2005, 05:49 AM
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Dammit. I'm spitting food out again...
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#417 Old 08-26-2005, 05:54 PM
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i haven't posted here before in this section of the forum, i'm new to VB in general, just read the first 17 pages of posts on this topic, and omg its a lot of posts haha, i'm too tired to finish, so i'll read the rest after work, this so has changed from vege forum to a help forum with great people, I really do admire all the people here struggling to fight and struggle with some sort of eating disorder, and the compassion you all have for one another, i feel sad, and shocked to read some of these stories, and glad to hear from those who have recovered or are on the process of recovery, well i guess i'm going to share you my story, things i learned in life is to be open and honest about what you have like problems, a lot of my life i kept things hidden in side, and that only made the situation worst, i'm not talking about eating disorders, i'm talking about life problems in general, I myself was severely underweight, it wasn't mainly a eating disorder (or not an obvious one, at least to me), it was more of a esteem issue, and that eventually resulted in an eating disorder, I was skinny, but never majorly underweight, i just didn't have any motivation to live life and didn't really understand how to live (young and immature) and when i went to dorm on college campus, things went down hill, since i wasn't really capable of thinking or taking care of myself, i started getting depressed, and losing weight, at the worst point of it, i didn't eat not because i didn't want too, i just didn't see any need to, i was at a point of stagnation, I looked into the mirror and saw this skinny guy, his cheekbones and ribs coming through the skin, I was afraid to leave my house because i had low self esteem and didn't want people to see me in my physical condition, i lacked any motivation to do anything, one day my mom just got me a job (because i was bumming around), and eventually we had a big fight about something, since i had issues with my mom than, and just kicked myself out after i got one of those ultimatums, "its my house, my rules blah blah", i was thinking of suicide, or becoming a bum for the rest of my life, so i slept on the street a night, but in the morning i decided to go back get my car and stuff, and i rented out a hotel, living on my own with a job, i started to understand it is to live, maybe all my life i was babied, and never learned, I now have a greater confidence, and with it and the relationship with my family is better than it ever was (although i'm sure well remember the past), I am working very hard to regain my health, weight, and a muscular body.... i still go into situations where for like a whole day, I will have just a meal until my body gets really hungry, and i'll lose a few pounds of weight in day, but i guess its a struggle, its a struggle I might always have in life, but i hope not, I want to live life without a crutch, but if i must, i know i'm better off now than i ever was, physically and mentally, sometimes i forget to eat, like while reading all the posts, i realized, man am i hungry, and basically thats how i starve myself, so i got bunch of soy chorizos out of the freezer, and had those! still struggling to eat more often, well.... thats the first time i told my story.... BEST OF LUCK to everyone, I can't even begin to fathom what some of you are going through, i just hope everything comes out okay for each and everyone one of you, may you smile today and start to learn to live, keep up the struggle, because you will do it, only through failure and many attempts will you succeed, appreciate the people who stay supportive and positive and try to help you through thick and thin, there will always be people out there who will lend you helping hand and listen to what you have to say, if you feel you need some comfort, I'm here, and so are a lot of great people here, we will be by your side!
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#418 Old 08-28-2005, 06:13 PM
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um, Hi



I've hit a low point of misery so I think it's about time I started posting here.

Well, I don't know how to start, but I have big problems with myself. I don't know why it has to be this way but it is. My body is my main issue. I weigh myself about 6 times a day, exercise for an hour or more each day, and spend hours in front of the mirror doing nothing but analyzing. Isn't it a waste of time? I try to eat the minimal amount that won't put me in starvation mode because I know I'll probably end up gaining weight if I don't keep it constant. Last night, I binged like crazy (with the help of some illegal substances, my appetite surged) and had a HUGE freakout by the end of the evening. Today, I can still barely stand myself. I feel physically ill about what I did to my body last night. I haven't eaten in 6 hours at this point (since breakfast) and still don't want to even though my stomach is growling. I want it to shrink because I feel like it must have stretched to 4 times its size last night. I really really really can't stand this. every once in a while I do something which induces an insane amount of appetite and completely f*ckin blow it.



I know this probably doesn't sound bad at all, especially compared to other stories in here and perhaps I'm dramatizing this a whole lot. There are probably plenty of "normal" people that are capable of feeling this way. BUt I've done this before! 2 years ago dieted to underweightness. At this point, I'd rather be there than where I am now. I know it's all a bunch of numbers but I can't help wanting it. what the f*ck. I. feel. like. such. a. hog.



I don't want to get better I just want to be happier. And I know my weight is "healthy" for my height but I can't stop wanting to lose it. And why haven't I lost more? Is all my munchie-indulgence backsliding really to blame? If it is I won't know what to do with myself. I just wish I could turn back time.
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#419 Old 08-28-2005, 09:00 PM
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Skunkpumpkin - This is a no-numbers thread. Please edit your post to remove numerical references to weight and pounds lost. Thanks.





Sorry you're feeling low.
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#420 Old 08-28-2005, 10:26 PM
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skunkpumpkin- and I'm sorry that you're feeling bad. I don't think that you're dramatizing what's happening at all. I think that a lot of us know how you feel, and it really sucks. It doesn't matter how much or little you weigh, your pain is still real. Here's an educated guess that I'll throw out there: losing that weight is not going to make you feel fine about yourself. It seems like you're getting pretty obsessed with this whole body/diet thing to me, and getting to a certain number isn't going to make the underlying issues that you are having go away. Because you are at a perfectly healthy weight as it is (you know that). And I'm sure that you have a wonderful, albeit unappreciated, body. And something else, being happier, ultimately, will have to entail getting better. I mean who really cares if you look like a model, but you're constantly starving, your belly aches, your head hurts, you can't focus on anything except food, you're always scrutizing yourself in the mirror... it's not possible to live that way and feel happy.



You don't always have to feel this way, but the first thing to do is decide that you want to get better. I would really suggest that you go talk to a professional about this. Now. Before things get worse. I know that you might think like oh I'm not bad enough to need help or there are plently of people worse off than me or whatever else, but trust me, if I had go to see someone when I first knew that there was a problem instead of a year and a half later, I could have saved myself a whole lot of misery, both physical and mental.



And you know, this is a no numbers thread... the rest of the rules are in the first post if you would look those over. Thanks!
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