My eating disorder started when I got back to Holland (we travelled to different countries 'cause of my dad's job). All my life I was thin, like stick thin. Everybody thought I had an eating disorder back *then*.
The last 4 years of my dad's shell-job we lived in Nigeria and despite the fact that I got bullied a lot during the first three years, I felt very at home over there. So, eventhough I didn't mind moving to Holland, I guess part of me was still clinging on to the life I had in Nigeria.
THe first month in Holland, I had to stay at my aunt's, 'cause my parents were on holidays in Canada. At my aunt's I was forced to eat more (up untill then I always ate very little, but I guess she wanted to fatten me up a bit since she was worried about me...eventhough there was nothing to worry about) which I absolutely hated, but I was too scared to rebel (she has a reputation of losing her temper real fast).
And I think that was it.
When I got home I just felt worthless with my weird legs, my boy-ish haircut. I just felt dumb. I was afraid to go outside in case people'd make fun of me.
I remember my skinny friend and I sometimes had contests on who could gain the most weight...
So eventually I locked myself up at home and I ate and ate and ate, 'cause hey, I was too thin wasn't I?
After a while I started to gain weight and my mom made a comment about it..that I should slow down a bit, I was getting a bit chubby.
Which made me freak out and eat more.
And then one day *BAM* it hit me. I was fat. I was at my aunt's for the weekend and my cousin called me a pig, I called her a skeleton. I locked myself up in the bathroom and cried...'cause it was true.
So I started a plan, to lose weight.
At first it was all good. I had a little notebook in which I jotted every morsel that I had. During the summer holidays I went to France, I'd have a peach for breakfast, no lunch and maybe noodles for dinner. When I got back I couldn't believe it 6 pounds!
When school started, we had this survival day so we could get to know eachother. I think that's where the eating disorder kicked in. The power that I felt when I turned down some ice-cream was the best thing I had ever felt.
This just went on and on and on....I gave up everything. I told everyone I just wanted to be healthier. I don't even know who I was kidding, myself or the others:\\
But after about 1.5 years I just couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't study, all I could think about was food. calories. fat grams, my head felt like it was going to explode.
In the end, I woke up extra early to weigh myself (so no one would hear me weigh myself)...started weighing myself at least 5 times a day, punching my stomach 'cause it was so 'fat', crying every night 'cause I ate 'too much', had vivid dreams of eating chocolate cake etc. and actually believing that I had eaten all that which made me feel fat again...
So I told my mom, who took me to see the docter. I was a borderline anorexic. The first year I recovered all by myself. I was at a healthy weight, I felt a whole lot better again. But somehow the ED snuck back in...I think my mom had to do with it, 'cause we went to France again and she made me eat all the time and was very controlling when it came to food. I felt awful. I didn't even NOTICE it had started again the second time. It was also worse the second time and my docter urged me to get some therapy or anything. I think lots of it had to do with some depression (they only started giving me something for that last Monday).
That was a year ago,
So yeah, now I'm in this outpatient program, I see a counselor just about every week, I saw a nutrionist untill I reached their goalweight (way too much for me:\\) As of last Monday I see a psychiatrist (who put me on Remeron, of *ALL* the meds. it might make me gain even more weight
) every two weeks. And I've been in grouptherapy for a year now (same goes for counseling).
these days I'm pretty much on the COED side..I mean, it's not exactly binging etc. but enough to make me feel sick,stuffed and gain weight (and I've already reached a more than healthy weight...:\\)
I hope my post isn't too long:P...*crosses fingeres*