Anyone is welcome to join in, but you have to following the rules:



1. You get hugged, regardless if you want it or not.

2. You have to be willing to learn to love yourself, even if you do not right now.

3. You have to listen to me, as Mama Bear knows best.

4. Numbers concerning weight, calories, etc are not allowed.

5. Naming-calling yourself will only be tolerated to a point. 1 positive comment is required in every post.

6. You have to be actively working on getting better.



May the day come quickly when we do not need this thread. Until then, this will always been a safe place to land.



Krista



Why actively getting better? This is meant as a recovery thread, a place to support people who recognize they have a problem and are working to fix it OUTSIDE of the internet. This is a peer group; we are not doctors or therapists. We cannot help you conquer your eating disorder all by ourselves.



I don't post a lot in here, but I read to ensure that it's running smoothly. When not around, please defer to Cissy, rainbowmoon, and azalea. If they ask you not to do something (or to do something), please follow their instructions.

First one to post . Ummm, update on how i'm doing. Right now i'm letting my mom do everything for me food wise. Plan, cook, measure, etc. She has me at around 3000 calories a day right now. Basically I don't care anymore. I just want to gain weight so I can actually do something in my life. I'm tired of just sitting around all day thinking about how many calories that apple was. I don't care if I gain 60 pounds, at least I won't have people always baggering me about my weight anymore. I do admit though, eating normal food taste ALOT better than eating plain, tasteless Kamut cereal in water w/ a bunch of stevia on top all the time . Last night I freaked out because I had pasta and it tasted SO DAMN GOOD. It was like I had it for the first time in my life or something. SO in other words...blow off ana, go sit in a dark room for days and feel ****ty about yourself because you ate a salad and then try to give me a legit reason why you should control me. Ass.



Positive - ^^



Cheers.

Having your mom help is a great idea! I'm proud of you. You'll do it

Good job, Dosh!! Keep up the positive attitude, and like krista said, it was a great idea to enlist your Mom's help, too!!

Well, my eating has been consistent. No restricting.. I am getting more fats, and more healthy excersise. I feel I am on the right track to beating this thing..

I'm not having such a good time.



I had a nutritionist appointment last night. He decided suddenly to weigh me AFTER I drank a ton of coffee. I saw the weight, and then this morning I felt like a cow. Then I had a doctors appointment right after school. I haven't had one in a month, because of scheduling getting messed up. I lost, well, I won't say how much, but, a significant amount. From the questions they were asking, the same questions before they sent me to the hospital before, I got really scared... My parents don't know how much I lost, just that I lost. All this coming down on me makes me want to do bad things, especially try to purge... But I haven't actually done anything. I'm not sure what I need. I have a million things going on. I wish everyone would just go away, and I could live.

I have never posted here... But I think I should now because I am worried that I am getting a little obsessed with my size. I have been exercising and eating okay for the most part, but it seems like it's been more of a preoccupation in the past couple of months than ever before.. I mean, I've lost an inch and a half off my waist in the past week! And I check everyday. It's getting almost tedious to me. I just need to get this all out, and try to nip it in the bud before it gets worse.

Fafa,

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling with this, and I hope that you can find a way to say no to it. The problem with body obsessions, EDs, is that sometimes its hard to know how to recover, particularly when you have built your life around the importance of being thin, as I once did.

Remember that eating disorders are not a means for controlling weight. It is likely there is something going on in your psyche causing you to place so much importance on this. For me, I realized it was a long history of hearing my Mother and all her sisters talk badly about their (skinny) bodies- it made me feel in adequate, and I felt like the only way I could be "ok" was to be skinny.

You've got to start saying "no" to the ED voice in simple ways. Refuse to check the scale, count a few hundred calories, run an extra mile, ect.- none of these are going to make you fat, they'll only break the ED pattern in your head.

I hope you feel strong, because I know you are.

clickman- The good thing is that I know you can walk away from it, you can make it go away. But you gotta eat, and you gotta take care of yourself. I know it SOUNDS simple...I don't know if you ever feel this way, but my feelings about eating were that my disordered pattern WAS taking care of myself, even when it wasn't. I couldn't see that- but now that your parents, and the hospital are involved, its probably pretty clear to you.

Its kinda like I told Fafa, just take it one step at at time in beating your ED. This was what I did when I had OCD- everyday I made a decision not to listen to it, not to check something, not to wash my hands again, and eventually that voice became quieter until it faded away. You've got to challenge your ED, find your self confidence and strength and tell it NO! I know you can do it.

i'm not doing so well either. i went to a counsellor who, when she heard how many calories I take in a day, said i needed to increase to at least 1200. but its not so easy for me...she also said I have to stop skipping meals. and for some reason after the appointment I've been worse. I barely ate yesterday, and then today i didn't plan on eating dinner but ended up "bingeing" (i dont know if it was enough to be considered that, but now I'm full and I hate it). and I dont know how I'm going to make myself eat tomorrow. and then after I ate all that today I went and purged. which I've been doing quite alot lately. bad thing is, it's getting easier. I don't know what to do. I want to get better, and I don't want to have to care about what I eat so much, but I so desperately want to be thinner....



positive: I get to bake a vegan cake for my dad's birthday on monday!

I know that I've posted this a couple times before, but I'm really doing a better job of actually taking care of myself. Most of it is tied to my running, which I guess is good because I get a daily measure of how my body is really doing, not just the mental 'I ate x so I don't need more food till later'. Like on Monday, I ran a really hard speed workout, except it wasn't so great because I definitely had not eaten enough prior to that. A few months ago I would tell myself how weak I was, how awful I was...but now I realize how much it matters for me to care for myself.

I'm still really uncomfortable eating around people, and I know I will eventually have to overcome that, but during lunch at school I go to the computer lab reserved for the newspaper staff. There's usually no one else there at that time so I can eat my lunch alone, in peace, and not compare the amount I eat to anyone else.



Positive: I had a cross country meet today and am very happy with my time And I had a nice, satisfying meal afterwards and didn't agonize over it.

I am finally done gaining I have been on weight gain since January and had to gain ** pounds, but I finally did it and I am phisologically normal again, eat enough and in kick A** shape and I am okay with my weight, cause I know it is were my body wants to be and it is really close to the weight I was before anorexia, and before anorexia my nickname was anorexic annika, so I know I am not fat ...now I just need to work on not eating to weird, I eat enough...but I am always snacking

Doing okay. Haven't done the 'laxie' thing for months, and eating more solids. That's a biggy. I feel 'safer' with liquids, but it's too easy to slip.



Have been having about 1000 calories a day (working out too)...so hard eating that much. Feel nervous and then angry and...all this, "you stupid, weak, pathetic"...thinking stuff. Cause I like the power I feel when I keep calories low. Like I can go beyond the normal limits or something.



Right now I'm only a little lower than I was pre-anorexia. Maybe 5 or 6 lbs. I was always petite though and have a small bone frame so people thought I was quite thin then, but at least I'm maintaining at a reasonably ok weight and at least don't freak out quite so much (too high for me, but unless I was much thinner...cause I like the bones-jutting feeling, and when there is a bit more skin covering them, I feel miserable)....



I feel worse lately cause I get a really swollen stomach REALLY easily. I think I'm overdoing fiber?



-Linz

Linz - No numbers please But still - That's starvation babe. Especially with working out.

Way to go anna!

Whoa...like..POWER

Argh I wrote a really long post (-I wrote for an hour or so...-), replying to several people, and then my thumb touched that *?##¤§^'+!! back button on the mouse and all was lost.



I'll reply later...Just not right now.

Muahhahahaha!!!



I'm sorry your post erased, Aza, that sucks the big one. I don't write long posts quite like you do (I mean, who does?! ) but I know how frustrating that is, nontheless.



LINZ- You're still starving the crap out of yourself, you need to get that calorie number up. A little bit to begin with- baby steps!! Good job with the laxatives...I know how hard it can be to stay away from those buggers, but man, it really does feel nasty when you take them. I always try to remember that when I see the ex lax gleaming in the cupboard. Yuck.



Good job, Anna. That kicks ass!!!



porvida- Why do you want to be thinner so badly? You have to figure out the cause of all this to find the solution!! Also, you don't have to wake up and find perfection- just take a small step, like making sure you always eat a healthy breakfast.



Take care, I hope I didn't miss anyone!



love,

Linz

Yeah RBM...We're like pseudo-mods now. Or sub-mods.

Now Cissy, however...She's the real thing. Respect her authoretay, folks



Now...where was I?

Oh yes. My post went poof away and I'll have to write an other one. Pf.



I have yet to make a real post in this new & improved thread...Apart from the power-bragging and the moaning about lost post...hm.



I'll have to keep it short this time though...I should be finishing my paper in phonetics right now. And I have another one in intonation awaiting me...ugh.

(I swear I'm terrible at those two...)



So...First a big yay for Annika, Anna and DoshKel. I'm proud of you guys



Clikie- I think you really need to find other ways of reacting to negative feelings than taking it out on yourself. It seems to be you're frequently in some sort of conflict with the people who are supposed to help you, -like doctors, counsellors, nutritionists, your parents...I'm not saying it's your fault. They may not be doing everything right...-well most likely they're not, really. But please, try to remember that you're all supposed to be on the same side here...against the ED (yah it's like a friend sometimes, but it's a lousy lousy friend). And please...when you're upset or angry or sad, *try* to fin other ways of dealing with those feelings than hurting yourself in one way or another...It's such an ugly cycle...you're upset because they want you to eat more, weight more, have greater control over you, -and then you react by rebelling against the treatment, and they only tighten the leash (like making you go to the hospital again...I really hope that doesn't happen though )



Take care of yourself, please...If I could take away the whole messy ED business for you I would, but..yah, you don't get rid of EDs that easily, unfortunately...no back button when you really need it.



Fafa- What RBM said... It's the kind of thing where you just have to make a conscious decision to change the pattern. Throw away the scale, any measuring devices (both for you & calories...), read some body-positive articles online (thankfully there are a lot of those out there), try to occupy yourself. I just hope that you manage to overcome this thing before it evolves into an ED, -I'd hate for that to happen to you...you're a lovely person.



Porvida- Will you be seeing that counsellor again? If not her, then you should find help somewhere else, some other counsellor/therapist, because it look like you could need some help with this... I know that feeling of ambivalence towards recovery so well...It's hard. That's exactly why you need to have someone you can lean on...who'll serve as a counterpoint to the ED voice which will just keep telling you that being thinner is more important than being healthy, more important than being happy (...well in fact, that losing weight will make you happy...PFFF what a bunch of crap).



Linzey- I know that being in control of your own recovery is really important for you, and so is being in control of what you eat. You've said before that when you're being supervised you just react by eating less, because you can't stand it. And that your natural weight is low and that you've reached a compromise with your dr where you don't go under a certain point.

But please...One thing is what compromises your mind allows you to make, -your body, on the other hand, might not be as willing to compromise in the long run...Meaning that staying underweight (I know your ideal weight is low, but still...you eat very little so I assume that that's the principal reason why it's so low) and keeping eating so little (especially when you exercise) just isn't healthy. I don't want to come off as too negative here, because I understand that eve this calorie amount is something of a challenge to you, -and I do want to give you kudos for actually making yourself eat more than you're used to. But I'm just worried that it's not enough...



Anyway...yup...unable to keep it short and time's running out for my papers, heh...



RBM- Now how are you these days, sweetie? You've posted a lot, but nothing about yourself, so I just wanted to know...



The same thing goes for Cissy.



...and ND, if you're reading this. You have yet to post in the new thread, I hope that's a good sign.



As for me... I'm doing ok. Trying to stop the habitual overeating and unorganised eating, but apart from that, I'm doing pretty well...Hopefully my eating will be better this week than it was last week.

Aza - Meh. I'm middling. Not too great. I've been binging a lot, and I just don't seem to know how to stop

Ay I'm sorry, Cissy



I know the problem too well...but obviously not the solution. Apart from the ever-crucial part about not restricting as a counter-reaction the the binging part. It's tempting, but it messes everything up...

a new thread? oh my. Hello everyone!

I feel like this is good, because I couldn't read the other thread and I've wanted to post but felt bad coming in the middle of things. So how is everyone? There are probably a bunch of new people I don't know, but I'm Brownie . I'm really good at giving hugs. If you want background, I used to be bulimic, I'm recovering, and if you ever want to talk, pm me (or im me, my AIM name is in my profile), because I'm a college student and am always looking for ways to procrastinate :-D.

I've accepted the fact that there are going to be days that I want to eat an entire bag of chips and nothing else, and I'm okay with that. There is one problem that i don't undertsand though; it seems every time I go to a party and a guy hits on me, I come home and just eat eat eat.

Also, cafeterias are the devil. I hate going down there to eat, because it's like lunch in the high school cafeteria. You've always got to have a table of friends or else people look at you and feel sorry for you. sniff. I'm just fine eating by myself, thank you. I like having a couple of meals a week with friends, but not every. single. meal. But you know, it's only a couple of months until winter break, and then it's only a couple of months until school's over.

Well, yesterday I went to the mall. Got a huge taco salad.. deep fried. I ate nearly all of it too. I felt like everybody watching me was judging me. Thinking I was a pig, like girls arent supposed to eat like that.

My mind isn't all there lately, but its not bad enough to the point to where I don't eat. I couldn't do that to my family anymore.. Even though sometimes I feel like I shoudn't eat. But I do nayways.

I'm reading comix on gurl.com, so i'm getting back to that. Thanks for listening.

Hi Brownie!



FB- Pff. I planned to address you in my first post and then I forgot...-sorry

(you were originally (in The Post That Sadly Vanished) in my proud of you list )



Of course you should eat...It's great that you're doing it for your family, but remember that you're the one you're supposed to take care of first...And by then I mean that you should be your reason to eat well, not your family (although by all means, it's very considerate of you to be thoughtful of your family...EDs are always straining for one's family too...)



Please don't feel guilty about the fried food. It's ok. People generally don't care about what other people eat, so although it may feel like you're being observed, there's probably nobody even noticing what you're having...



And that part about girls not being supposed to have that kind of food...Pfff! Girls can and should eat exactly the kind of food they like to eat (preferably veg*n, of course... ). End of story.



And at any rate it's veg. At least in that respect it should be totally guilt free

Update on me. I am still sticking to my high calorie plan. I have gained a very small amount in about 4 days. I know that its good to be gaining slowly so yay . I really thought I would gain a crap load very shortly, but I guess not. Whatever. I don't feel guilty at all anymore, but sometimes I get to thinking the food sucks. Those thoughts all go away though when I taste my favorite food...APPLE! I eat an apple and then become ravenous. Its like my magical kick start to kick anna food...heh. I'm having weird body image mess ups though. Like yesterday morning I looked at myself in the mirror and say someone who gained a tiny bit of weight, then when I saw myself again at night....I looked extremly skinny. Weird. I think I am becoming obsessed with tea (mostly green). For the past two weeks I have been drinking 3-4 (3 cups per pot) pots of green and one cup cinnamon tea every day. The thing is..after I am done, I still crave it. Its bad because I am in the bathroom every single hour. Heh. I am actually 10x happier on this plan than on my old plan. I'm not binge eating anymore because I am getting such a high calorie amount, and I love not thinking about food all the time. Hopefully this thing is just fadiing away.



Cheers.



P.S. I am kind of getting sick of no exercise, so I am stretching alot and doing a small amount of Kung Fu everyday. Nothing harsh.

Dosh, Keep up the good work. You're making reasonable progress and keeping a good attitude about it, which is always a good sign. All I can say is keep it up!!



FB- Keep it up, keep eating and taking care of yourself and eventually it won't be so hard. It will become your second nature. There's nothing wrong with a big old taco salad sometimes- I suspect you know that.



Cissy- You know the drill, my dear. Keep it up, keep working, never stop trying- eventually they say it clicks. I believe wholeheartedly if you keep putting forth that effort, you will eventually kick the ED in the balls.



As for me, I do alright. I've managed to maintain weight for nine months now, no gaining...and so while I haven't lost, at least I've quelled by binging enough to not gain. I have days where I eat too much of the wrong foods, but I try to get back on track the next day instead of restricting, which sometimes still happens, too. I guess its all fairly neither here nor there- I try to pay very little attention to food. I try not to hate myself for being fat-ish...its not always easy and I've had some bad self esteem days up here at school. But I'm going to keep trying- like I've told everyone else, I think full on recovery from this isn't an event, its a process which occurs after much effort, much trying. So we're all just going to keep our heads up and keep cracking away at it, aren't we my lovelies?!



love,

Linz

RBM- It's great to see you haven't lost your incredibly positive attitude. It's great that you've been able to stop binging, I know what a pain in the ass that can be. You're very right baout recovery being a process. There are always going to be days you look in the mirror and not love the person staring back at you, but I think that's something everyone experiences, eating disorder or no.

Dosh- good that you're finally eating! I've been waiting to hear that from you for a long time. Glad you're doing better. The green tea is probably just something left over from the ED, to tell you the truth. (there are tons of reports about it burning fat, etc.) but it's not such a bad habit to have.

Aza- Eh, really I just haven't been on VB that much, and when I am, it's just really quick to read some threads (including this one) and then get back to work. Yes I have been keeping up on all of you!



So yeah, my life is a total whirlwind right now. It seems like I always have 5 million things to do and I am always rushing from one thing to the next. My therapist is bugging me about self care and stuff, and I just don't have time right now. My meetings are at 8:00 am because that's the only time that we both have free. I of course am squeezing in too much exercise but not enough food. I haven't weighed myself in a while, and I can't really tell if my weight has changed because my view is so distorted. And the compulsive voice and the ED are really loud... But things should settle down after next week. I'm going to do my best to enjoy the coming week in all it's craziness, but I hope that I can get a break soon!



Positive: I actually got to sit down and eat dinner with my friends for the first time in a long time tonight and we had a good time.

Dosh -That's great!



RBM- I swear your posts are among the sweetest on VB...

Like Brownie, I have to admire your attitude (and I know it doesn't come easy for you...)



ND- Good to see (uhm -"see") you again Your therapis is right, you really need to start taking better care of yourself...If you don't have time, then make time (yah...I know that's easy to say for me, -the queen of leisure- to say... ) You know that now that I'm offisially sub-mod (in my head anyway), I can allow myself to become pretty violent if you don't comply... Even with people like you And beware RBM. She may appear to to be a sweetheart, but under the gentle surface Tough Mean Iron-RBM is just waiting for an opportunity to use her evil powers...huhm huhm.



(Don't mind me being mildly idiotic, btw It's late and I need to -I should- sleep...)



Ugh. Another bingy Sunday. Just like it was a week ago. And, I think, the week before. I don't know what's up with that. Feel free to whack me or something...



Actually I wanted to post in the WDYE thread today, but I ended up deciding against it, because it's just way way too much food..blech. And fat & sugar overload.



So...anyway. I'm still hoping for the coming week to be a little better when it comes to food...



Positive: They've started selling lots of veg-friendly product in biggest supermarked on the island (where my mother shops) Soy milk, rice milk, soy yogurt, vegan margarine, egg replacer etc. Hopefully this will expose more people to all the great animal-free alternatives that are out there.

(before this, stuff like this was only available in the (sole) HFS here...)



Positive concerning myself (more relevant, I suppose) Uhm. My hair looks nice?