Yeah, I love my mommy



Nothing too interesting other than the doctor appointment... I'm freaking out a bit, because my parents are both out of town this weekend, and she said I could have a party. I'm super scared of it getting out of hand, someone getting in an accident, too many people, etc etc etc. Plus I think I'd be a terrible host. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, etc. This weekend we have somewhat of a festival/carnival, and usually at least one person dies a year due to sheer stupidity. If this whole thing goes through, anyone who drinks does not drive. Period. One of my dad's best friends is a quadriplegic because he drove drunk, and it would be ALL MY FAULT if that happened to one of my friends.



So, just freaking out. As usual... I want the girl I'm planning it with to GET ONLINE. ><



POSITIVE - I didn't get weighed at the doctor, and I finished the journal (accounting stuff) for the school store I work at for the month of december... we need to report sales tax

its its so refreshing to see that there people out there that i can relate to and that share my beliefs. I belong to veganforum.com and just recently discovered this forum...I posted most of this on that forum a little over a week ago.... I've been a vegetarian for about 5 years and vegan for almost one year. Two years ago I met my current boyfriend in music school...he is the farthest possible thing from being vegetarian which has made for some interesting debates an family gatherings... he used to be amazingly supportive... he never minded my picky habits at restaurants... and cooked for me all the time.. hes one of those peolpe who have that special magic touch when it comes to cooking. When we met, he was doing sort of a low carb thing and it became a joke between us that I could never do it because I ate so many grains and things. There was never anything "wrong" with my diet...I was at a perfect weight.. (128 lbs at 5'3") I ate reasonable portions...indulged in moderation..my diet consisted of healthy and yummy foods like oatmeal, dried prunes (like you and your dates Banana..I go crazy over dried prunes), sprouted breads, brown rice, nut butters, vegan mac and cheese, baked beans, tons of veggies...no fried food, no refined grains or white potatoes...and so on... I did still want to lose about ten lbs. though... I had seen how my boyfriend and others lost weight on a low carb diet..and so I wanted to see what I could do... I certainly wasnt able to go full fledge low carb...but I started to severely limit my intake of grains...to almost zero... I never intended to stick to this kind of diet... but I became obsessed and essentially "carb phobic" I lived on tons of soy protein, black soy beans, nuts and nut butters, celery, broccoli, other non-starchy veggies, fantastic foods low carb soups, vegan cheese, low carb hot cereals (not milk derived), high fiber/protein bread....indulging to me was like eating the skins off of cooked sweet potatoes, pop-corn, and berries. My caloric intake I dont think changed drastically...I tink I wasactually eatingtons more...or maybe I was just thinking so much about it that it seemed like more..i dont know....all I know is that weight flew off my body... after about 5 months my period started to become irregular...my weight loss at that point wasnt crazy at all....i did lose..but i still looked normal...I didnt even fathom that it was my losing weight is what caused my irregular mensus....well I stopped getting my period all together...its been over a year now... at my worst I was at 94 lbs.... and I still couldnt bring myself to even bring a spoonful of brown rice to my mouth....oh and if it was a white food like white rice or bread...that was toxic to me....i loved that people noticed my weight loss...for a long time I didnt see how bad it was...i only saw chubby. I knew i needed to gain some weight back....but i was so afraid blowing up like a baloon...i hated the feeling of food in my body....esspecially starchyfood...i felt guilty..like i didnt deserve it...esspecially if i had "indulged" within the recent past....all i thought about was what time I could eat this and if I ate that at a certain time...then I had to wait a few hours to have something else...i wasnt just counting carbs anymore...calories too..i portioned out everything....but i felt in control. It got so ad that I started to throw up here and there...I even began drinking senna tea occasionally...I saw how easy it was....so it became more frequent....so I began to let myself indulge more because i knew there was a way out. I was working towards a degree in classical vocal performnace (which I do have now).....the weight loss and purging severely effected my performance....no more grad school, no more auditions....no more singing...thats the quick version. The first time I saw my primary doctor she didnt seem that concerned...she just wanted me out the door....so she took some blood tests, refferred me to a dietician and called it a day...i was put on a 45 gram of carbs a meal type thing...but i felt horribly full and sick.... i went back to my old habits although i knew i needed to get healthy again....im now seeing a specialist to get my period back...Im now eating towards better heath although ts constant every day battle in my mind....I was basically scared ****less when I learned that I could have died. I feel like people thing that I am vegan to lose weight....its a lifestyle not a "diet"....my gyno even told me to eat a cheeseburger...how unprofessional is that! Im always questioned....my boyfriend has even been upset with me....we were invited to go to his aunts..she was serving spaghetti and meatballs...i could have had it meatless...but my bf knows a avoid refined grains...he gets pissed about that because he thinks that I do it to lose weight...it has nothing to do with that! ugh...ive been so upset lately...I rationalize overeating because i need to gain..but then i feel full and i hate that and then freak out inside. im so afraid of gaining weight fast...ive really been eting a lot and i feel so gross... i always ask for reassurance from others like my sister and freinds and boyfriend...i ask them if my meals are normal amounts...i always finish my entire meal and eat three meals a day...i feel like thats not normal because when i go out so mnay people leave half full plates...and i waitress and see how othe girs dont eat their whole meals....today I feel totally disgusting...I had like two bowls of granola with frozen berries and milled fax seed for breakfast...an organic green food bar for lunch....for dinner I had a huge portion of vegan eggplant parmesan a friend of mine and I made for a party last night...plus massive amounts of thai peanut salad...soooo goood...sooo fatening though.....for dessert I had a date peanut butter almond ball mixed with melted peanut buuter and flax seeds...plus I had a huge handful of mixed roasted salted nuts AFTER all that.....and this is alll after last nights housewarming party where I ate soo sooo much....but people just look at me and tell me its okay beacuse im skinny......i hate feeling full...and almost enjoy feeling hngry...but i love to eat...i just want the freedom to be able to not think about it so much...why cant i just eat! Im afraid that Ill lose control...I mean..Im one of those people that CANNOT sit witha can of mixed nuts or box of cereal beacause i wont stop...i have no sense of portion control.......sorry im rambling...maybe i just feel gulty because of all the olove oil, vegan cheese, and loads of peanut butter...



im so sorry that this is so long and confusing..i wish that I could describe the situation more clearly...I have so much more I want to say and I think that many of you could relate to my feelings....thaks for listening..



also, Im gonna start posting on the waht did you eat today thread...like I do on vegan forum..it helps...



Sarah

Sarah - welcome! Thanks for sharing your story with us.



We have some rules, so please take a moment to read the first post of this thread.



Also, as a general sidenote (since you're new), please use paragraphs when typing a long post. It's a lot easier to read that way

Thanks Krista!

Hi Sarah, welcome



I think you described your situation very clearly. Yes it is confusing, but EDs are incredibly confusing, what with all the ambiguity, the "I want to eat/I don't want to eat/ I need to gain weight/ eugh no! I'm too full/ I hate food/ I love food/ I don't want to let go of this ED/ I just want to be normal again" going on...



And often, EDs don't fall into a neat category, many of us have (had) patterns that are simply our own idiosyncratic blend of ED traits, -and I know that I for one had a hard time figuring out how to explain what was going on with me and how I felt, because I felt I only made it sound confusing and contradictory, and I was uncomfortable labelling myself 'anorexic', because that seemed to be an ill-fitting label for my messy ED.



Take care!

Hi Sarah! A few comments, about myself. Because I am Queen Narcissus.



Definetely feel you on the 'indescribable eating disorder' thing. I have (and still do, on various days, I'm sure all of us do) exhibited random traits of an eating disorder, but it's not Classic Anorexia or anything. I just have a whacked out relationship with food. I've always been a small girl with a small tummy, and tend to get full fast. But I love to eat. Sometimes I feel like I'm racing my tummy before it gets full. Heh! Cos I know I need and want a lot of food, but, the dern thing is just little.



One thing I noticed... You said you avoid refined grains. While it's a fine thing to try to eat more whole grains and less white pasta, doing so to the alienation of friends and family members is a bit extreme. It's clear that the decision to avoid that dinner was more characteristic of you wanting desperately to control your diet, than just a 'healthy choice.' For a while I avoided all refined grains and hydrogenated oils like the plague. And I recognize now that this was in fact one of the biggest expressions of my eating disorder. I had to make sure every bite of food I took was absolutely as healthy as it could be. To the point that I'd rather starve than eat white pasta. Which is not nourishing to your body or soul. If this is the case with you, I hope you can recognize it! Allowing a blend of healthy/unhealthy food into your diet as the situation may arise is important. You can cook whole grains at home, and allow yourself some goop when out to eat.



Anyway, glad you're here! Hope our comments add some relevance to your life.

Public Service annoucement



The last few pages of posts plus posts in other threads are prompting this.



Please read the first post of this thread. Then, post that you have read it and that you are following the requirements.

I have read them (mostly b/c I wrote them).

I read them and am following

I read them. I am actively working to keep those old bad habits under wraps. But if anyone feels my comments are 'holier than thou' as of late, please tell me. I've been doing a bit of name calling, but, that's only because that's what I need, when I get into trouble. My mom usually calls me on stuff. Like, "Allison don't be so picky about dinner." It keeps me level. If this style is ill-suited to the intents of this thread, give me a good bonking and I'll hush.

I reserve the right to bonk as required.



No one expects you to be perfect. However, I do expect all participates of this thread to be ACTIVELY trying to get better, move on, encourage others, etc. This is not a place for non-stop bashing yourself and your life. This is a place for recovery, to supplement your outside the internet recovery.

I've read them (more than once and just read them again)



and I try.



if I seem like I'm not following them, it's not because I'm being willful. It's because I'm being blind and just don't see that I might be violating the rules. If I'm doing something wrong, feel free to point it out to me so that I can correct it. I promise, I won't have my feelings hurt. Especially if I'm the only one doing it. I'd much rather be told than be triggering or cause anyone else to feel uncomfortable.

I love anorexics. All terrified that they are perfect enough and hurting other people's feelings



AoD - if you are doing something that was very out of line, I would say so. This is in response to a continued direction in this thread to make this a place to complain and one-up, instead of a place to discuss and try to move on.

^^^ I know I'm not doing anything wrong right now. Just in general, though. When I hit a low point and all my posts become whining and *****ing and going on and on about how much I hate recovering.

stop stressing and just grin and nod

I read them, trying my best to follow them.

why wont my period come? i havent had it since like september...i know my e.d has something to do with it...but like could it cause permanent damage or anything? or do any or yall have pms probs or anything? im confused

you don't weight enough...you need to gain weight in order to get it back...I have had maybe 4 or so periods total in the last 4 and a half years...I lost it for over a year and a half straight....I now have ostiopenia (I which could develope into ostioperiousis and I am now at a really high risk for breaking bones easily) because when you don't get your period you don't have enough estrogen in your body, so now matter how much calcium you consume without sufficent estrogen your body can't esbor it

awwww...thanks for the info...Annika...i heard it could cause you to go sterile? ever heard of that?

I have no idea if any of you remember me.. I was around quite a bit over the summer and spring of last year... doing a little anorexia and bulimia mixed together (loads of fun).



Well, the good news is I'm not dead. The better news is that I think I've kicked it. The bad news it... I'm really quite overweight now. (had posted the number and then remembered this is a number free zone... god bless you for that) I'm appalled, naturally, but at the same time, I'm so enormously grateful to be free from the calorie leash that had been holding me down for so long. I think about other things now... I realize there is a life beyond the daily tally total.



So... good and bad. I'm unhealthily fat now and embarassed for people who knew me thin to see me now... I think they'll think I failed. So.. the ED isn't completely gone, or, maybe I'm just low self esteemed now... everything feels different anyway. I'm not obsessed with the number any more. Trying to eat healthy (and I'm back to being a full on veggie... meat turned out to be a bigger enemy than I thought..)



whew. well, I'm here... I'm in stretchy pants... and I'm doing okay.

Valerie

Public Service annoucement



The last few pages of posts plus posts in other threads are prompting this.



Please read the first post of this thread. Then, post that you have read it and that you are following the requirements.







Welcome come back Peanut! Great news!



Don't worry about the weight gain; I went through that, too. I balanced out and am at a healthy and comfy weight. Just remember that your weight and looks has nothing to do with your self-esteem. When I realized that, I was able to work on my self-esteem independent of how my body looked. It takes time and practice, but you are truely over the worst

PB - Yay, welcome back

Krista, and Cherry Head, I really appreciate the little rule reminder, because in all honesty I tried to come back here and to vb a little while ago but retreated when the nature of the posts took a really triggering slide downward for me. I also stepped away from vb again at that time because its hard too visit the site and not be drawn into this forum. for me at least.



as for me I am plodding along in my recovery. pretty much at status quo but am making efforts to move beyond where I am. I have an assesment scheduled at the treatment center I was previously a patient at in 10 days.



I want to be around here and get support but I want it to be a positive environment, right now I am having a hard time reading solely about others self destruction rather then how they are or how they intend to change that.

I am testing the waters again so to speak.

It's unfortunate, but it happend everytime we get new people; where they are just starting to talk about their problems and not yet willing to get help. Having been around since the beginning - even the beginning before this thread was here and instead on another board! - I've seen a lot of the now considered old-timers go from the negative, self-destruction to being helpful and positive contributors to this group. Most people do try to get better in the end. The few that don't end up leaving VB pretty fast b/c they find they can't do their self-destruction in other threads without one of us reminding everyone not to feed their illness.



ETA: Now, say you read the rules

I have read the first post and am trying my best to follow it Am sorry if I wasn't...give me a thump or something if I muck up



*hugz* to everyone who needs it.



Well...I'm actually doing ok. My psych and I worked out this weeks step, and I've taken it...I now have two 'meals' per day, and have stopped looking at them with dread and trying to let myself enjoy them (ie-i was like, woah, it has taste! lol). I have a fairly large (not by my standards either, by normal standard *proud*) smoothie (banana, honey, soymilk and yoghurt) in the morning, my normal drinks (some juice, some milo, milk etc-whatever mums left out for me that day) throughout the day, and then a meal at night. The first night I had porridge (oats cooked with water and added soymilk later with honey) and ate quiet a bit (my mum was all happy-lol). And last night I took a big step and had something new...I had veggie soup-pumpkin and sweet potato. And you know what? I enjoyed it...



So, there's me with the scary big steps. Mentally, its hard...kinda freaking out a bit, you know? Stupid ED'd mind trying to stop me moving forward. My psych is a lot of help, putting things in persepective, and my mum is amazing support. It's scary, because what I'm having now seems like a lot, but I find myself looking forward to my smoothie, or whatever, at times, which is positive. Some days are easier then others, and I take each day as it comes, knowing I have amazing support and that I *can* get through this.



*hugz*

~Gabs

Annika...losing your period is not linked necessairly to a low weight, but more often poor nutrition. And some people naturally don't produce enough certain hormones. About 6 years prior to and up until I developed ed'd behaviour, I'd rarely get mine and I was definitely not too slight. The doctors said my body simply didn't produce enough certain hormones. When I was VERY sluggish and ate high fat foods for a couple months...I'd sort of get it, but the doctors told me this was worse cause my diet was too high in fat. I naturally have absorption problems.



But I also know some girls who lost theirs due to stress and due to general POOR nutritive intake. They took in enough calories, but from the wrong sources, so they were malnourished even though they weren't underweight.



On the flipside, I knew at anorectic who at 60something lbs still got her period.



So its too complicated to say it's entirely dependent on weight.



However, after not getting mine for 2.5 years, I got it back by upping calcium, protein and exercise. I also started drinking fenugreek...which can 'induce' periods...although I went one step further and ate whole fenugreek seeds like 2 tbsp at a time.



It would start the very next day no matter what.



I maybe get it 3 times a year, but weight gain didn't result in me getting it back...a combo of added protein/ calcium did...



-Linz

It's hard, y'know? Like... in a way, I don't want anyone to see me at all now. That's sick. lol.. I have to learn to just be... but for now, I don't want people thinking, "Oh, man, she really let herself go..."



At the same time, I have deticated myself to healthy, normal weight loss. I want to keep muscle this time (I lost it entirely last time... still had fat but no muscle, it sucked) and be really strong. I keep slipping now though.. I've gotten so used to eating a lot of junk.... to the point of being over-full. Like right now.. but I'm trying. I stock my part of the kitchen with really healthy stuff that I'll actually eat (garbanzo beans and morningstar "chicken" patties are currently my favorites, though, not together) but my parents keep buying stuff like fatty popcorn... and man do I loves the kettlecorn. I'll polish a bag off myself in a few minutes. I need to stop doing that.. lol



I'm exercising, not insanely, most days of the week... but not like a maniac like I used to. If something starts hurting badly, I stop... used to be that I'd push on (that's how I pulled my groin.. ouch). Hm.



I was looking at a pair of my pants from the summer and realized that I was so very wrong to think I was too big then. they're itty-bitty! How did I not see that?? It's insane what this does to your brain... I really couldn't see it.



I don't know... I think it's going to help to have support again. I needed to kind of go away for a while and fix myself. I ate my way out of anorexia...



It's comforting to know that the overweightness is part of the recovery. Thanks.



And thanks cissy, too, for the welcome back!

Linzey - please read the rules and post that you will abide by them

I thought I did...no weights, no calories..right?



What am I forgetting?



---

edited: oh, I think I know...weight of the person who I knew? Is that it?



I didn't think of it because it was similar to a case you could read about in a med journal and I guess I overlooked it because showing how weight loss isn't necessairly the cause of period loss...is hard to do without qualification.



So yup, overlooked.



Sorry. I'm off to do some reading for class



-Linz