Amount of smiles I had to remove from my post this time: 2



I'm a smilie junkie

brownie- Absolutley. Everyone has ugly/crummy days, and I'm sure it feels bad, even though often I don't think its all about food for those people, like it is for most of us. Even regarding food, most people have their good days and bad; its just that they don't base their self worth on that.



ND- You know what you need to do, so I'm not even gonna repeat it. The ED voice will quiet when you're not neglecting yourself, when you start managing your time so that there is time leftover for YOU. Don't make me come over there, Missy. (see, Aza is right... Iron RBM... )



Aza- Oh yeah, the positive attitude doesn't come easy!! Lol. But I realized being negative about this, it just makes it worse. And its true; we all CAN do it. Cuz we're superstars!!!!

hi everyone. i'm sorry i've not been posting for a while, as i've been kinda busy. i hope everyone's doing well. And to those who have been doing much better (Dosh, FB), keep up the good work!



i saw my doctor last saturday, and it was quite a good session. he confirmed that i'm in regression. about 2 weeks prior to my consultation i'd started taking one of my meds again, upon my doctor's advice (my mum called him up cos she was so worried) as i was not doing well. anyways, on saturday he increased my dosage, because my ED wasn't / isn't just affecting me, but my relationship with my bf, and everything else as well.



anyways since i've been on medication, i've hardly been exercising, and have been eating more. plus i don't have trouble falling and staying asleep at night, and i don't feel like crying for no reason. so i guess i am doing better. it seems as though the meds have somewhat reduced my feelings of guilt about food & eating, and less exercise. but it's not like i feel totally ok with food and myself yet. i just feel....less guilty, and indulge in less loathing of myself.



edit: having said that, i really must get some exercise soon.

it was my bf's birthday yesterday, so i bought him dinner at a nice restaurant. i had one complimentary piece of bun/bread with oats, served with an olive oil + vinegar dip(which i must say was good but i was a bit freaked by the oil), and i ordered one veg stirfry, one serving (ie 6 pcs) of nattomaki (ie sushi roll with fermented soy), and for dessert i had two scoops of sorbet (no milk, i checked) - 1 scoop lemon lime flavour and 1 scoop passion fruit flavour. oh, and i had a virgin mary to drink.

after that i felt so guilty and so fat, although i must admit, i enjoyed my food. and by the way, i never have dessert. but i did last night. i felt so bad about having eaten so much, and actually enjoying the food. and i swear, my arms looked soooo fat!

then when i awoke this morning, i could feel some of my bones (when i was still lying in bed) and i think i kinda felt reassured. like, ok, i have not ballooned.

i have got to, got to, got to, exercise today. it's been over a week since my last exercise session.

I feel so wretched today. I ate too much. I had rice cakes and some carrots and chick peas. Coffee, some tofu, and to top it all off - almond butter on apples. Grr...feel bloated and gross and anxious.



Feel really, really down today. Part of it is extreme sleep deprivation and bloating from my ulcer/ ibs...so I feel ugly, weak, lazy, fat. And two of my friends have dropped A LOT of weight since I saw them last and they were thin to begin with! One, I'll call her Nicky, is not only as thin as I am in many ways but in AWESOME shape and I just feel like this ulcerated bloated loser. If my body responded normally to eating, it wouldn't be as bad....but it puffs out if I eat carrots or even if I drink too much liquid!



Anyone know some good exercises for strengthening the abdomen and tricks to reduce IBS flare up's? I feel all swollen and water logged...like I have really bad edema...I feel so low right now I could cry.



And in reality, although I ate more today than typical, I still ate far less calories than most of my friends eat EVERYDAY and still burned off close to 1200 running/ elliptical workout today (over 11 miles! yay!)



Linzey

linzey: i'm sorry you're having a lousy day. you're definitely not "ugly and fat" like you think you are. i don't know if that avatar is you, but if it is, then i think you're pretty.

secondly, don't compare yourself with others. i know that is far easier said than done, but do try not to. we're all different. we need to eat different amounts to feel full, we are built differently, etc.



for your tummy problems, i suggest peppermint tea. they work a miracle for me. (i have tons of tummy probs too). also, pace yourself when you eat; don't rush it. chew your food properly. i've also read that our digestive system does not function as well when we're feeling upset and/or anxious.

hope this helps.

Linz,

If you're going to exercise so much, you need to be eating. Have you seen a doctor about your stomach problems? Are they caused by stress or anxiety? You've probably gone over this with others in the thread, but I can't remember ever seeing you discuss them.

Honestly, I'm concerned about you. You're probably burning off more calories than you consume or close to it- this is NOT good for your body. You become super lean and FIT not by starving yourself and working out like crazy- thats how you wind up ruining your health. I completely screwed up the joints and ligaments in my knees exercising like crazy and not eating, my hair fell out and I was super anemic. You need to try and address your IBS and start eating more. I've seen your picture (if you're fat, I'm surpised I haven't died of obesity ) and you're very pretty!



- VP- I'd probably consider what you ate to be a good day! So stop sweating it, you're doing fine, keep eating, keep living, and stop talking about your bones popping out, before I hit you.



love,

Linz

Here for my lil' check in..



The other day a friend of mine was blabbing about how all anorexics want attention, blah blah. I got really hurt, so I said "Shutup, my sister is anorexic". He was really sorry too. The truth is, I don't want people to know that I have had eating problems. And even though they don't, they assume I have drug problems. I do have drug problems, but I don't lose weight from it.

I'm just in a really confusing time right now. People (especially friends) can be so judgemental if they find out you have a problem like this..

And also, I get teased for eating "too much" at school. Since when was a pack of health valley granola bars and a fruit "too much"? I'm just not supposed to be losing weight.

I just feel like I am hiding a big chunk of my life from people. But maybe its the right thing to do. I have no clue.



Did that make sense?

Man, I just had a weird moment. I was looking at a picture of myself and got all these weird twisted stomach feelings when I saw that I really am gaining alot of weight. I also look at myself in the mirror earlyer and saw that all the weight i'm gaining is fat because i'm not allowed to do any kind of exercise. Not even strength to gain lean body mass. I know I told myself that when I reach my goal weight that I will have a higher percent body fat, and that I would just tone that out to lean muscle, but I just don't know why my doctors won't let me gain muscle instead of fat. Man, I am really freaked out right now and don't know what is going on. I am always in a pickle also. I can't have my parents belive me on ANYTHING I say because they think it is the anorexic voice taking over, and everything I look up and read on about gaining healthy weight is the opposite of my plan now. I feel sick.

Hey Dosh - sorry you're not feeling well. However, I did see your pic in another thread and you do still look extremely thin, tho I'm glad you're doing better and have been keeping up with your plan.



Maybe you could research a healthier plan that would work better for you (one that still gives you the same amount of calories you need) and discuss switching to that plan w/ your parents. I think once they realize that you do want to get better and that you're on the same page, so to speak, they wll be accomodating. Besides, a plan only truly works if you actually WANT to be on it. But either way, hang in there. I'm pray all will be ok.

Thanks virtue for you comfort . I have tried to talk to my parents about a different pla, but they are saying that since "your so extremly sick, we need to be in total control and tell you what to do". I know they mean all the good in thw world, but they aren't really educated about this subject and are going off of what they think is right. I guess I really shouldn't be to worried since I can gain this weight, but I just can't get the fact that i've read numerous reports saying that gaining weight and being totally sedentary is very unhealthy. Thanks for your support .



Cheers.

No worries Dosh People who gain weight and remain sedentary are unhealthy because they are gaining excessive weight, or above what is healthy for their normal dietary needs, if there is such a thing So that doesn't really apply to you - you have to gain weight in order to be healthy.



So try not to focus on those studies, because hopefully you won't have to be on a plan forever. Once you're doing better, I'm sure you'll be able to participate in sports and be more active again, in moderation of course . So, let that be your driving factor to stick with it,... so you can get better and stay better. Man, I sound like some random after-school special announcement Sorry about that, but do take it for what its worth.

That is exactly what they do in treatment programs, you have to gain sometimes up to 50 pounds being sedetary, any excessive movemnet is "supplemented" with ensure

How do you guys deal with what I call the "mind battle?"



I mean... I can eat okay and not over-exercise and otherwise live a "healthy" life, but I can't get over the mindset that I'm fat.



I guess what I'm asking is how does one go about loving themselves and breaking the cycle of self-criticism?



I'm probably not in anyone's "fat" category. But I FEEL fat all the time.... know what I mean?

Take your picture, cut your head off of it and look. You will suddenly look at the picture from an outsider's point of view, and go, aww **** I am not fat. Try it, seriously! My Mom has a picture of me she cut the head off of, and she shows it to me all the time, and is like YOU ARE NOT FAT! IS THE GIRL IN THIS PICTURE FAT?

My Dad of course, just thinks we're all insane....

No numbers folks. Read the first post

Dosh, its not unhealthy for you to put on some weight, even if its all fat, because your body fat percentage is probably so low right now anyway. After a little while you can start working out and pumping some iron (and eating properly! or )....and be a muscle studded machine.



Cissy, lol...I was like OH NO, I used numbers?! *dork* How you doing Cissy?



Former- I would hope your friends would be more supportive than judgemental- and if they're not, whats the deal with your friends, dear?! I understand not wanting people to know, its perfectly normal and I would have to say that they dont have to if you don't want them to. Are you serious about friends making fun of you for your lunch? It sounds like they're jealous of your thiness and picking on you...and maybe you need some new friends. Because seriously thats just wrong. And what about your drug problems? What are you doing to address these issues in you life?!

I was talking to my teacher (marketing, advanced accounting, plus I aide for her - she's a great lady), and a girl who graduated last year (who I figured had an eating disorder - I have sort of a 6th sense about these kind of things sometimes) had to go to Western Michigan University rather than West Point because she wasn't healthy enough. She had basically nothing to her, rather than having the muscular, strong body you need to make it at West Point. She still has her spot there, but she has to get healthy first. I believe she was hospitalized for a bit. I told my teacher (and the other boy we were talking to) that I had dealt with EDs, so I definitely know where she's coming from. The boy said during wrestling his freshman year, he was very close to having an ED, but he caught it in time. (In case you didn't know, wrestlers can get a bit crazy in order to meet weight - many end up starving themeselves)



POSITIVE - My teacher and the boy mentioned above said that I looked great now Plus I got my senior pic proofs today!

gah, I knew this was coming. I just binged on oreos, thought about it, went to the bathroom and purged like 2. I hadn't purged in almost half a year, but all of this pressure! I am so glad I cam going home this weekend (just for the holidays, not anything long term). The tests, quizzes, labs, 100s of pages of reading, sorority events, there's just not enough time in the day. I've been eating ****ty food I didn't want to buy, but my roomies are constantly on me about making my 'smelly' vegetables or whatever. Plus the fact I feel like a bad hostess when I don't have any junk for my guests to munch on when they are drunk at 4 am. But talk about the freaking freshman 15. It's been less than a month and I'm probably half way there! Oy, sorry, I'm ranting. Positive: I fell on the steps of the chemistry building today and cute boy helped me up. yay!

RBM: ok, i'll try to be good.



Dosh: back when i was in the hospital, and put on a meal plan, i was not allowed any exercise at all either. i wasn't even allowed to go out for a walk. i always slept after eating, because the meds made me drowsy. but i was allowed to go for a walk outside when i'd gained some weight, and i guess my doctor thought it would be ok to go out..



toadstool: i'm like you. people keep telling me i'm thin, and my BMI shows i'm underweight and all, but i think i'm fat. i guess we'll just have to try very hard to shake the thought out of our heads everytime it pops up? it's quite agonising...



former: i know what you mean. i find people who make fun of anorexics/bulimics very insensitive. it's not funny at all, and it always hits right home.

Anni - you look a lot better in the wedding photo. I know you said you didn't want to gain anymore, but we both know you could use a bit more padding Still, very good job! I bet you feel good about yourself, knowing that you fought so hard!

Ooook.



Apparently I'm suppoused to relapse.



Basically when you take away all the pretty wording my doctor didn't like the fact that I wasn't relapsing and that I was doing well and my weight was stable this week. I stopped seeing the therapist like two weeks ago on a regular basis, now it's just sorta "call if you need to see me" type thing. My doctors mad because I don't fall into this neat, clean-cut model they have apparently.



I was thinking of telling her to "F-ck off and die", and walk out. Buuut, then I'd probably be diagnosed with Oppositional Defiance Disorder, because my doctor is a prick.

What?! your doctor should be proud of you! are you sure that was what he meant?

Yes, she made it pretty clear what she was trying to say. It's the most asinine thing I've ever heard.

That sounds really weird.

click: yeah, like cissy said, it's really weird. maybe you should consider switching therapists...?

clickman- hugs, hugs. Thats pretty wierd though, honestly. I would strongly reconsider seeing her.



brownie- Not good, buddy. You know the drill; you've got to start managing stress so that you can be successful with managing your eating. It happens though, no beating yourself up! I hope you're feeling less stressed.

It actually wasn't my therapist, it was my PCP. My therapist decided I was doing well enough that I didn't need regular appointments. (Just said to call if I need to see her) That's what makes it even stranger.

Don't listen to that non-relapse-dissapointment...I mean, what are you supposed to do, try and relapse?! No way. I like clickman alive, thank you very much. Keep doing what you're doing and find someone different to go to

GGRRRRRRR...I just had my whole post typed up and I hit a wrong button and lost it! Here it goes again:



So today, or yesterday technically, was my second appointment at the nutrition clinic here at college. I managed to maintain my weight this time (which I'm really relieved about), but know that I really have to work hard and eating some more to gain a little bit of weight. My weight is really close to to my lowest weight ever and it really scares me. I just want everything to be all better and be done with this damn disorder. After initially coming to college a lost a little bit of weight because of the huge transition to college as well as stopping counting calories and measuring servings cold turkey. Being vegan also makes it much harder to find foods with enough calories in the dining hall to allow me to gain weight. I know...no excuse! I do have foods in my room, but it's still not like cooking a full meal at home.



I really miss my Dr. at home too (even though she would probably kill me now). I'm not warming up to the new clinic all that well. Had my first session with the medical doctor today and he wanted to put me on a mood stabilizer and I said no. I'm not big on medicines at all and I wasn't about to let this guy put me on another after a single sesion. I don't think he was too happy about my decision though. They also want me to see one of the therapists on campus. I had stopped seeing the one I was seeing at home a month or so before college because it wasn't helping anymore. I'm really sick of therapists, but I don't want them to think that I'm being non-compliant because I have no desire to get better, because I definately do. I'll end up giving a therapist a chance, but who know...



AAHHH...I'm just so stressed out and really don't even want to go back there. I'd rather monitor my weight at the health center on campus and deal with this myself. Haha...like my parents would go for that (one more month until I'm 18)! Well, sorry my post is so long, but it really helps to get things off your chest once in a while!



POSITIVE: I set up my 60 hours of required community service at the hospital nearby today! I hope I enjoy it!