Azalea...thank you. Your post made me feel a little less alien.



HillaryLane, Gabbles, and AoD - OMG. Yes, nothing is more triggering than saying "you are not that thin!" The doctor I originally went to said...."but aren't you about XXX?", and miscalculated my weight by a good 30 lbs. My mum was a tad shocked, and said, after I took off my jacket..."do you still think she weighs as much as you now?" (to the doc, WHO loudly had said she was probably thinner than me and she didn't see what all the 'fuss was about'). This woman was thin, but not 'thin' like I was, even at the same height. Nevermind lanugo, lowered blood pressure that as causing me to black out etc...and heck, even *I*, in retrospect thought I looked like death warmed over. I guess it's a good sign that I don't want to get that low again...



So she (the doc) asked how much I had lost. Basically it was as much (30 lbs) in 4 months...meaning that she thought I was, in essence, the right height for my weight. All I could think was, "do I have too much fat on me? Am I one of those cursed people who look bigger than they weight? Is my body dumpy and out of shape? What would she have thought when I came in before, at the so-called 'right' weight for my height - she would have called me obese!" etc.



I'm surprised I didn't develop an exercise disorder, if anything!



-Linzey



p.s. Have any of you guys been so scared to go BACK to a doc, because they were so callous from times when you were at a lower weight? I would rather let infections clear by themselves, or something, then go to the doc's...as they kind of ridiculed me before. I don't feel I can go back to them at any weight other than my lowest, because if they minimized my troubles THEN, they'd probably laugh at me now.

Hillary - thanks for the rec. We didn't have any prune juice in! My mum was pretty kind, and told me that even when I was a baby, I was prone to this...and she had often worried about intestinal blockage, so I was put on liquid diets on and off all through childhood. Most of the complaints were GI related. Once, when I was about a year, she says they were quite concerned because I had become totally impacted...everything glued and they said it was 'colic'. But my stomach kept distending. So my mum cut out gluttinous materials that have a tendency to stick, and gave me more veggies and fruits and milks (at that time they didn't know I was lactose intollerant), and yeah...my infancy didn't sound great.



So, anyway, I came out of the shower, really down...feeling so swollen and upset and worried. I mean, this is my congenital condition - my colon was malformed since birth, and anything bigger than a grape in size tends to 'clog' (hence one reason I'm nutty about grinding everything until it is a paste), and my mum told me to drink lots of green tea...she said that it would help, and also sleep...that digestive processes would probably continue in sleep, especially when I wasn't anxious and stressing about everything. So yeah, no prune juice, but I felt a bit better this morning. A lot better. When my colon gets all...well it feels entangled...my legs and stomach take on a purplish cast...when you press the skin it streaks pink...scarlet...very weird. But that was gone this morning and the edema was less.



Gabbles - don't cry! Milo...it's tasty right? Just try to enjoy the taste and gauge things minute by minute and day by day. How do you feel? Does it make your tummy feel settled or irritated? Does sugar make your thoughts race? Is it a psychological aversion or is there a physical reaction or a possible food sensitivity. It took awhile, but the doctors linked my hives to peanut butter. I can tolerate almond butter, and cashew butter, but I get littered with pink little 'boils' that bleed (mostly my arms and chest) if I eat peanuts or peanut butter. So even though psychologically, I would have hated to eat it anyway, physically, its not something I tolerate well at any rate.



I think that a lot of foods that might cause us a lot of anxiety might also be causing physical reactions...biochemistry and biochemical alteration probably is responsible for a heck of a lot more than we often give credit. I subscribe to the wonky biochemistry theory for a lot of my eating problems...I think overtime, the problem worsens and then melds with other non-biochemical issues, like psychological issues, but initially, I *know* so much of this was caused by a) a really screwed up gi tract and stomach problems since age 18 months or so (probably birth though, even if the problems with solids started when, surprise surprise - I started to consume solids)...and also, b) depressive bouts.



Then add other features to the mix.



Another thing...has anyone else been tested for hormone levels/ or blood counts? I had some blood tests not too long ago, I was too low/too high for many things. My white blood cell count was too high, my red blow cell count and platlet count was too low. I was low in certain hormones too. I'm thinking maybe that I should focus on foods that increase serotonin production? They said that could be low if I was depressed, because it usually is in depressed people. But it's a catch-22, because if my levels are high, then making them higher leads to greater obsessiveness and anxiety. (Some foods will not effect serotonin levels, some foodstuffs decrease it, some elevate it).



-Linzey

~Linz....For me, it's nothing to do with an intolerence to any food...I'm guessing it's psychological. I'm panicking and hating that I'm eating and feeling kinda resentful that I am. It's really difficult to put a feeling down into words, ya know? My bloated feeling is really probably a normal feeling to have after consuming something-I just haven't felt it in awhile due to not consuming anything. I've just been feeling so anxious...gah... *sighs* sometimes all I really wanna do is tip it all down the sink, smile innocently and say I drank it...stupid conscience not letting me. Like I've said....on the outside I'm doing all I'm meant to...have this drink, Gabby, take this and drink it, Gabby...so I do. But mentally, I'm anything but happy. Still, forward moving is me. I laid down with my pscyh that tomorrow is banana smoothie day, and banana smoothie day it shall be. I'm very obedient And also stubourn...my psych and I established this was both good and bad...my stupid stubourn mind wont let go of the mind set of not eating, yet now it's also too stubourn to not have the smoothie...lol...I have a weird brain.





Your doctor sucks, Linzey. If I were you, I'd try different doctors who have more of an understanding of ED's until you find one you like. Even have your mym call the hospital and ask about it, or ask your school psych/councellor to find out for you. You need to get the help you need hunny, and you need to feel comfortable with the people who are giving you that help. *hugz* to you sweetie





*hugz*

~Gabs

Gabby....sending calming and supportive thoughts your way!



I must say, if it caused me that much anxiety, I'd probably not drink it. Actually I know I wouldn't. I don't think I'd dump it. I just wouldn't drink it. I'm very honest. If I haven't eaten, and my mom asks me if I have, I don't lie. But I guess I'm not obedient in the sense that you are, because if something makes me feel more psychologically miserable, I'm not going to do it...or I'll do it slowly...on my terms. I decide what I eat, drink, what I chew, whether I want soy milk in my tea or drink it plain. If people try to set up everything and just have me comply, nope, sorry, that causes me too much anxiety and I become very stubborn. I don't lie, though, which says something...and you seem super honest...so kudos to you too! I mean, sometimes it would be so much easier. It would get people off my case. It's tempting. But I regard honesty as a virtue I want to cultivate. I'm faaar from perfect, and of course I have lied, but I am not a 'liar'. I tell things as honestly as I can...



Like everyone, I have all these things I have to juggle (love that smilie! Just want to use it! lol), but I think I have a tendency to become VERY panicked and upset if my routine is disturbed. They thought I was a high functioning autistic when I was three. Then they later re-evaluated me, realized I just couldn't HEAR (was nearly deaf as a little child), and that I was very haptically sensitive and just plain ole' reactive.



But, wow...you are pretty strong to keep going when others seem to be setting up so much of the plan... I find that inspiring...I think my "you can't tell me what to do" nature is too strong (I used to be pushed around a lot...bullied, and now it's like "NO MORE". I control me. I'm too control-freakish, but sigh, will work on that too). Which is why I only got better when I was left alone. I didn't get worse, I got a lot better physically, and I think the psyche takes a good deal longer, but I basically said, "here is my plan. I think it could work. Are you going to support me? Because I don't like being told what to do and have these criterion to meet...someone elses". I realize that is a really tricky issue...because lots of ed'd people would have gotten worse without intensive treatment or doctors or t's or nutritionists meeting up with them weekly. But I got better. I knew I had to get healthier, because dang it I had goals and I couldn't achieve them being so physically weak. And maybe my plan isn't PERFECT, and I have rough patches...1/2 weeks and days when I really don't eat optimally, but I still think I could have wound up worse if we had gone the conventional route.



So yes, my mom said she'd support that, but I'd have to be honest because if she caught me in a lie I would have lost her support probably (for my plan, not for getting better), and it became about self-regulation. Even now, I have a minimal weight I have to stay at...I can't go under, otherwise I know the addiction to keep going lower and lower is strong. And I've maintained for almost a year.



Anyway, here is a hug for you.



I am off to get a refill on my coffee. WAKE UP LINZ. Ahh...stayed up too late last night and paying the price. Maybe I'll add more strawberry protein powder to my coffee. Protein coffee. My own recipe.



-Linzey

Actually Linz, the funny thing about all thisis...it's is on my terms. At first, the doctor, my psych and my mum wanted to bring me straight onto solids and bring in a meal plan and my reaction was: "hell, no!". I'm the same as you...I do things on my terms. It was basically this: 1) I do it my way (I have to explain my way to the psych so she can see if I'm actually moving forward or just saying I'll do this, or I'll do that, but not going through with it) or 2) I get a set meal plan, with foods on it I REALLY am too terrified to go near right now or 3) they stick me in hospital until my weight is bought up to one they're all happy with. When we discussed this, I said that I wanted to do it my way. Everyone was skeptical, not believing I'd do it, or I'd lie about it etc.



So, that's why, even though it causes so much anxiety, I drink it etc. I worked my way onto juice (it started with an inch of Apple juice in a glass, and the rest of it water) and worked my way, in my own time, up to where I am now....soy milk with milo and hot water, and my juices. So, really, this is all my own doing. And the goal I talked about with my spych for this week was to encorprate smoothies. A step forward. 'Cause I've been stuck on my juice and soy milk too long, and she was hinting that I had to move forward a little 'cause nothing is happening with my weight.



I am incredibly independent, and my mum is very well aware of this (lol) and now my spych is too....my mum just sets out the juice and milo in the mornings before work, because, even though I'm the one that said I'm ready to drink these, I will never get up, walk to the fridge and grab one on a whim...my mum will set them out, I work out how many drinks there are, how many hours in the day, how long between each one etc. If I don't drink one, I leave it on the bench and mum will know. It's all me...I don't know if I'm explaining this well. lol





And yes, it all causes me anxiety...but I'd rather this then being stuck on a meal plan I have no real control over, or being stuck in hospital where I have NO control whatsoever. As long as I'm moving foward, no matter how slowly, they all leave me to it.







*hugz* to you...good luck with the waking up And thanks for the calming thoughts and the support hunny

~Gabs

Gabbles - you explained it well



Keep up the awesome work!



And yes, I guess we sort of are on the same plan. I don't have to gain weight, just no one wants me to lose any more. I just have to focus on maintaining right now...more often, then want me to work on my fears and rigidity and anxiety issues.



-Linz

Thanks hun....and good luck to you too, with maintaining your weight. I'm not really maintaining, it's slowly sliding still...but since I'm building up my food (liquid?) slowly, I should start gaining soon...terrifying thought, terrifying to think of actually happening...but it's gonna happen, and it's what everyone wants to see. So *shrugs* I mainly see it as inevitable...mentally, I think my psych is gonna have a lot on her hands when that starts happening...



Are you seeing a pscyh hun? Or a therepist or something? They could really help with your anxiety etc.



*hugz*

~Gabs

~~~For the new people - please read the first post of this thread ~~~

Well update...feeling okay today. Have been eating more solids, and last night I ate because my mum was on my case and I just. wanted. her. to. stop. badgering. me.



I realized a couple things: we have different systems, and different stressors and I also have this tendency to NOT eat around people. I swear these last few days I've been eating more nutritious foods than her. She is a workaholic. She goes 18 hour days drinking coffee, popping tums, nibbling on a donut or croissant, sitting at a desk doing reports, and limited exercise. She gets home at 8 or 9, after having eaten a donut or two and maybe a latte. High caloric, non-nutritious foods.



In that time, I've had maybe a black coffee, a 2 cups of veggies (celery, eggplant etc.) with salsa. No where near the same number of calories, yet still infinitely better for you.



Aside from gum and coffee, all my foods are nutritious. I just don't eat enough calories by conventional standards (by my standards, unless I'm dizzy, I've eaten too much...that's why I won't talk about these things by 'my standards' right now).



So it's like an inverse. I drink 2 to 3 liters of water before I get home. She maybe has a cup. I run an hour to an hour and a half a day. She usually takes the elevator (not the stairs) cause she is running late. I am a pathological nutcase with time. If I'm late, I am so anxious, and am almost always early. She is ALWAYS running late.



I eat healthy foods with low energy values, she eats unhealthy foods with high energy values. I am underweight and active, she is slightly overweight and practically sedentary.



So, we get home. I have dinner at school...usually a stir fry or something. Sometimes they offer tofu. I get that. I try to eat my last meal before 6 pm. I feel infinitely better about eating before then...she eats maybe 60 or 70% of her daily food intake AFTER 7pm. She gets in about 7:30, so hungry, and her 'typical' supper is something like a glass of soy milk, and two peanut butter sandwiches with about 2 tbsp peanut butter on each one, and two slices bread each.



Here's the rub. She has no conception of calories, but always talks about losing weight. I find this IMMENSELY 'triggering'. In fact, she talks about dieting more than ever...when I was not so thin, it wasn't quite such a hot topic. Now, every day, she talks about it...



She will ask my advice, only to 'mock' my suggestions. Ok. I know "I" don't have the best eating habits...it is NOT because I don't 'know better'. I was originally an honors biochem major. I understand about human metabolism, about caloric needs, about nutritive requirements, and fat requirements for optimal brain functioning...for mood regulation...for sleep. A year ago, when I made my mum's meals (brekkie, lunch, dinner), she lost about 1.5 to 2 lbs a week and kept it off when I made meals. I would make (average day): oatmeal with soy milk and bananas, for a snack: vegan ranch dressing, some almonds, and some cut up veggies, lunch: an apple, a pb sammie (she likes those) with no butter and 1/2 as much pb on thinner bread but with apple slices, and a serving of Rice Dreams and a fruit snack. Dinner: salad, corn on the cob, maybe some vegan chili with more beans. Or I'd alternate with high fiber brekkies and a modest amount of fat, more protein. I aimed for about 1300 calories, given her extremely LOW level of activity, and told her to space out her snacks so she didn't wind up feeling starved.



Ok. Now, she lost...healthily...people said she looked great.



However, when my schedule became hectic, I took over laundry/ chores and asked if she'd take over meals (we always work something out cause we are both EXTREMELY busy. BOTH of us are insomniacs...I average 3 to 4.5 hrs of sleep, my mum gets 6 to 7 hours a night). Anyway, she has put on weight again, and now is asking my advice: what did you do? Is this good? etc.



When I tell her maybe to have a sammie, open face, to limit bread and add an extra slice of tofurky or an apple or something...she says, "bread is not the enemy, you know. I know YOUR phobic of it, but I don't feel like I've had a real meal if I eat just fruits and veggies...like you!"



Sigh.



If she laments about how she can't lose weight, and I mention maybe making a sammie with less pb and less butter...cause she really uses a lot...she talks about how "calorie concious I am".



When I say maybe getting more fiber would help...as it helps with keeping full....reduces hunger...I get an even more caustic reply.



When I say maybe limit juice calories and eat the whole fruit instead, this is rejected.



Or the latest...when I say maybe she should try to get more exercise...omg...she starts about how I'm a "fiend" with exercise. WHICH IS NOT TRUE. I might be extreme about some things, but not with that...yes, if I like something, I might go overboard, but I'm not heading off the gym every second. I do toning exercises, because I have very little muscle...for about 10 minutes a day, sometimes 20. I do 50 crunches or so a day...this also helps my intestines/ reduces bloating, I think. It SEEMS to help, and I doubt 50 crunches in a day is excessive.



But ANYTHING is too much for her. I swear, this is driving me nuts. Even when I do something in moderation...I get ridiculed for it. Just because I'm 'underweight', doesn't mean I should eat ONLY high fat things, nor does it mean I should stop exercising. Because 1 hour a day approx. (since I don't run on weekends) isn't what I'd call too much. I'm not in sports, in dance. I don't do intramurals at school. It's winter, so I walk less, since it is blistering cold.



I just feel immensely triggered and criticized even when I do things well.



No matter what. Here's an example. She'll buy bread, muffins, cake, cereal, a package of baby carrots, salsa etc. Way more wheat products, less veggies.



If I eat all the veggies, and that's all I eat...because my diet is primarily veggies and fruits and raw foods...she starts saying how I 'binge' on baby carrots, for example. Excuse me? I find this VERY TRIGGERING. She'll see me get 16 baby carrots and a half bowl of salsa for a snack and say..."can't you be more reasonable?" And it's like "huh?"



So I'll ask..."is this too much food?" Her response..."it's too much of one kind of food." And then I'll say, "it's the only thing in the house right now." And she goes, "fine, but don't binge on them!"



Binge? Is 16 baby carrots a binge? She says it is...she says it's WAAAY too much. She'll take 3 or 4, but then make herself 2 sammie's and is all, "see...this is reasonable...some sammies, and a few carrots. I'm not overdoing it."



And it's driving me insane! Can't you eat MORE VEGGIES, by quantity, if that's all your eating? I don't like how she ridicules what I know by saying, "well, why SHOULD I listen to you? You don't reflect a picture of health", and then I'll say, "I know what I NEED to do, and actually doing it is hard for me, but that doesn't mean I won't try to do it. Knowledge is different mum. I know something about cell biology..." (that was my focus when I was a biochem major). Or I'll say, "you know, when you say I 'binge' I find it very hurtful and it upsets me. It makes me not want to eat at all. And I don't think xx carrots is a binge. A binge is eating a cake, a loaf of bread, a bag of chips, 2 liters of coke...at once. Feeling out of control. Eating until your stomach hurts. This is a binge, and I have NEVER BINGED in my life, if we use the term properly."



And she just goes, "Oh Linzey...a binge is also eating too much of one food."



And I say, "what if I eat 16 baby carrots AND a sandwich is that a binge?"



"No...that's just eating a lot."



Huh?



She also says things that I find myself replaying over and over. Like how this thin girl on tv looks "goregous. Look how she can wear ANYTHING and it just looks so good on her! She doesn't have these bumps that are so unattractive." I think she means like normal imperfections...a slightly rounded tummy. Slightly big arms.



And last night, we watched a show and the girl was sort of chubby, and she laughed and said "wow...that girl has nerve...imagine going on tv being that fat!"



I said, "well, lots of people are heavier. It doesn't matter. Why should they stay off tv mum? You say the other people are too thin, then you seem incredulous when someone is bigger."



"Linzey...DON'T start again."



--



Or, two days ago. A converation.



"You can't just eat celery."

"Well, you seem to think I binge on carrots."

"Linz..."

"Okay...what do you think I should I eat?"

She makes me a small meal..."Here...this is better."



I pick up this bean burrito, sigh, "Fine".



TWO BITES in and she's like "yes, you need to eat more. Try to eat about as much as I eat, ok, hun?"



I nod. "I'll try."



Then, 5 seconds pass and she says, "although I'm a house...maybe you SHOULDN'T eat like me...just eat more."



She goes to the washroom, I chuck out 90% of the burrito.



Triggers, triggers everywhere.



I feel like just eating at school. My friends only say, "wow you eat such healthy foods." They don't comment that I need to eat less, or more, or different foods, or more types. It's so less stressful.



-Linz

p.s. I want to say...2 weeks without ANY LAXIES. The temptation was there, for sure, but this is week 2! Yay I think my colon is doing much better. Food is digesting more readily...quicker, almost normally. Bread (rice, gluttinous stuff) still feels attrocious and takes longer but all in all, I feel less bloated after meals. I'm doing okay with high caloric stuff. I let myself have peanut butter...I've had about 1 tbsp a day. This is really, really good for me! I have, however, temporarily cut out crucifers...like Cissy, I don't tolerate them well. Probiotics help, but only slightly. So I asked if we could go to China Town on tuesday and get asian veggies so I have something different to eat.



My mum said she isn't going 1/2 way across town and wasting gas because I'm so picky. Sigh.



Guess I'll take the bus, then.



((ever wonder if people, subconciously, don't WANT you to change your eating habits?))



-Linz

Linzey: I'm sorry your mom is so triggering/unsupportive.



I, myself, am not doing so great. I'm caught in this binge-restrict cycle, and it's been especially fierce after I stopped taking my meds. That was my own choice, I can't function with them, they make me too tired. I stopped cold turkey, bad idea I know, but I simply can't function with them. I keep telling myself, "Ok, lets stop this... But after I restrict a little for a few days in order to keep those excess calories from today off." And it just doesn't work. I want to stop, but I also want to keep any extra weight off. My schedule is so hectic, I don't even see my therapist till the 24th --- last time I saw her was late November. I don't even have a nutritionist in the picture... I do have a psychiatrist appointment on the 12th, where I'll have to explain why I stopped taking the meds w/o consulting anyone, and probably just get yelled at. Because my psychiatrist is like that.

p.p.s My sister just e-mailed me, very upset...and all I can think is...



It's a good thing we didn't grow up with our Dad in our lives (my sis and me).



She recently visited him, after not seeing him for 16 years. Not one call, one letter, one picture - nothing. That's fine. He's a psychopath...I'm dead serious. He is. Clinically, he would be diagnosed as being a psychopath and having OCD. He's nutso about germs. He washes his hands until they bleed, for example. He goes through something like 6 bars of soap a day (I'm less weird about germs, and more weird about dust/ general cleanliness. Anal retentive about the whole "having things organized", but not pathological about it. Just more clean-freakish...)



But he's deliberately cruel. When he saw my sis...after 16 years of NO CORRESPONDANCE at all...he said, "Well...I always wondered what you would look like. I'm so glad you aren't FAT. Is your sister fat?"



My sis, a little shocked and hurt (no "I missed you so much!" No, "I love you" etc.): "Linz is underweight...she is definitely not fat."



My dad: "Good. She used to be small, so I didn't think she'd be *fat*, but your mother always was trying to feed her more! I feel better knowing that she's still small... fat people...well, let's just say I'd hate to have fat daughters" (something like that, I'm not sure if that's verbatim...pretty close).



Then my sis, who should have listened to us and should have stayed away from him (he is deliberately cruel to animals too), went for a walk with him to a store. She later told me he was sort of scaring her and wanted to be near other people too. They were in line with their stuff at a Safeway or something, and this heavy woman was taking too long getting her change, and my sister said she couldn't believe what happened next.



He said, loudly, "why are we wasting our time in line? SHE'S big enough to eat! We could eat her!" (again, not verbatim. I didn't write it down...but I could probably etrieve the e-mail). Then he laughed. My sister said she wanted to crawl under a rock and die.



She had her pet rat with her that day, and he asked why she liked such ugly things, and she said, "I think Pluto's cute. He's a baby, too."



He: "that's one f*cking ugly rodent!"



Imagine being my sister...not seeing your Dad for basically your entire life (since age 4), meeting up, and he doesn't treat you warmly...he didn't even say he was glad to see her, and they attacked everything she had an interest in.



Sigh. And he is so TWISTED about fatness and food. My mum said he was a Svengali of a husband...he once took control of her bank cards and bought the food and decided when everyone would eat and how much we could have. If we went to a restaurant he claimed that since we were small (we were 2) and didn't require much and females didn't need to eat as much as men...that we didn't need our own orders. So my mum could feed us from her plate. My mum would divide her meal 3 ways, and was chronically hungry. She was underweight while with him, and chronically sick.



Not that I blame HIM for my ed, but I wonder if part of myself...remembers his twisted 'teachings to me' at 3, 4 years of age. I remember him teaching me, for example, how hot things would hurt...why you don't touch a stove, for example. He asked me to get his eggs and bacon for him off the skillet and I was three, and he lifted me up and I grabbed it off the HEATED FRYING PAN and burnt my hand. He laughed and said, "see now you know not to touch hot things! You won't do that again, will you?"



When we would cry, he would tell us not to be babies (we were toddlers - 18 months...22 months...just little bitty things). If we were cut, and didn't cry, he'd praise us for not being "weak". He'd smile, and say, "I have good daughters!" He used to say, "I don't care if I have daughters...I'm raising them like sons. I'll MAKE my daughters stronger".



But he was very weird about pain (Inflicting it on others...he said it was the best way to 'teach' cause it was LASTING and made an impression), he was the biggest carnivore imaginable, mocked and literally seemed to HATE fat people, and was cruel to animals.



Even though I haven't seen him since I was four...I wonder how that effected me? I would say I'm VERY self-critical, I HATE crying (mostly in front of people), I feel like I should punish myself if I cry (no tv, no phone, no internet), I don't feel happy if I do something well - I just hate myself if I don't do something well, I delight in being strong even when I'm in pain, I feel VERY STRONGLY about animals, and am a strict vegetarian - practically vegan (he ate mostly bacon, ham, eggs, sausage...BIG meal eater.) And I give away my treats/ food if someone else is hungry first (he'd feed himself first and then let us nibble off his plate when he was done, for example).



I dunno...seems sort of weird...too many 'coincedences'.



My poor sister though...I don't think she really thought he was that cruel...I think she thought that my mum and my dad more or less didn't "get along" and had seperated like 99% of couples do. For lame reasons...."oh your father didn't understand me". Something like that. Not..."oh your father is a psychopath control freak who would kick stray cats and take ahold of my bank cards and control all the money and not feed you two properly." My sister puts a LOT of stock in genetics and was like, "Linz...he's so cruel, and he's 1/2 of us!" She was anxious about this, because she is so compassionate...she s haunted by every human evil. We are german (blood only...not culture), and she is obsessed with the holocaust...she says that she has to be, because it is our 'background' and it's evil and avoiding it denies the problem and it's sort of like she's trying to atone for something that she really shouldn't feel guilty for! She just seemed so haunted, and I said, "he's NONE of *us* - he has a blood disorder, and we do, but that's it. All he ever gave us was a blood disorder..." But no, to her, your parents...their 'blood'...shape offspring. She always says, "does this sound racist? " and goes on and on about how cool certain jewish customs are, and I'm like, "we aren't jewish." And she, "I wish we were...NOT German." And me, "we aren't really any more 'German' than Italian or Portugese...we weren't raised in the culture, we can't speak the language..." And she just says, "well, I don't care! I hate being German by blood....they were responsible for both World Wars"...and I volley back, "that's too simplistic!"



UGH.



It's hard, though, because part of you thinks you have to really go the extra mile to prove to yourself that you are NOTHING like that sort of person whose 'genetic material' is what YOURS was taken from and molded from....



Ok. Back to work. Venting over. I just got another e-mail from my sis about 1/2 hour afo and it reminded me, and I was wondering what you guys think about early childhood influences and eating problems. I mean, I was a very slight child, naturally, and it seems weird that eating problems would develop 13 years after my last correspondance with someone...but maybe not? I have a perfectionistic, critical mother and my dad was cruel - especially re: heavy people, and hateful and a psychopath. Wow. Part of me wonders how I could have NOT developed crap eating habits...



-Linz

Clickman.



I hope you feel better soon. I'm not on any med's, but my sis is, and can't function at all without hers. It really impacts her life.



STAY STRONG.



Luv,



Linz

Wow I'm posting a lot today.



Just wondering, who gets "inner badgered" when they eat?



I touch something...pick it up, and this inner voice (not mine, asexual, sneering, harsh), "put it back you b*tch". It's weird. It's not like schizophrenia. It's like when you are tired and you hear someone call your name...but no one is? It's just your imagination?



Anyone have this? It's not really your voice at all, either. My natural voice - my speaking voice - is very soft and very feminine (I have a 'girl' voice...not deep), hesitant, sort of young sounding naturally, and indecisive.



This is sharp, decisive, mocking, cruel. And old. Like a million years old. It reminds me of that voice on The Exorcist of that thing inside Regan McNeil...swearing, foul, intelligent, caustic, old and demanding.



Or am I completely off my rocker? You know that inner "should I/ shouldn't I" dialouge? It's like that. But LOUDER.



And if I ignore it, it's "you gross slob...can't you show any strength at all? You screw up."



Yeah, not very kind.



-Linz

I think you're off your rocker. And I mean that, in the gentlest way... But I think you are.



I was just sort of thinking, "yea my dad probably turned me into a lunatic." He's got some off drug habits and manic depressive tendencies, but then I had another thought. My positive statement for the day:



My daddy showed me how to love curry. At like four o'clock in the afternoon, my dad will just be like, "we need Bombay Potatoes. Right now." And I've picked up on his predilection for exotic, Asian flavors. Much to the chagrin of one particular ex-boyfriend, I like to dine at those "damn ethnic restaurants." I like eating with my fingers. I like getting in touch with my food. About the time I realized I needed some weight gain, I was really into Caribbean food. I remember sharing my Jamaican rice and beans with my dad. I guess, he's always made food something "neat" for me, rather than just like, a fat or fuel source. I go for curry cos it's fun and exciting. It's something entirely separate from anxiety or hunger.

LOL, Charity.



I was talking to my friend Mik, and she has an ed. She says she knows what I'm talking about...an inner voice. Not actually HEARING voice. LOL. No, of course not. Just that type of twisted, self-criticism. She says she has it too.



Folie a deux? A madness shared by two? Gawd, I miss X-Files. Ok. THAT came out of nowhere (folie a deux is an x-files reference, and I'm an X-Phile).



Linz is shutting up and going back to work now.



-Linz

I have practically turned into my dad. It's so weird. For example, we don't really ever talk about political things, but we have the same views. We have very similar music tastes, we're both really athletic, and I look a lot like him. I also got the depression that runs on his side of the family. Sure, my mom has influenced me in a lot of ways, but my dad, without even trying, has shaped me in a lot of ways. Genetics are very powerful, as is environment, especially at a young age.



Linz, I'm sure a lot of these things have shaped you in a lot of ways that you don't fully realize yet. My dad made fun of overweight people too, and I'm sure that has a lot to do with my fear of being fat because I don't want him to be embarrassed by me. I'm sorry that things aren't great with your mm right now. My mom and I used to argue a lot, and really the only thing that worked is for me to stop talking about things that I know will cause problems. Maybe you two could work out a deal where she is more careful about what kind of comments she makes in front of you? Oh, and I hear a voice too. I have issues with obsessive thoughts and it's a similar feeling.

ND - thank you I have tried talking to my mum. She says that I'm too sensitive, and that she is more "careful" about what discussions she enters into than most people will be, and that the world is a harsh place and if I find it hard and 'triggering' to be around her, god help me in "the real world".



If I say, "but mum, I care more what you think...so you do trigger me in ways that other people CAN'T cause I value your opinion more..." she doesn't seem to 'hear' me. It's "ok, I'm sorry...I'll work on that", and then the next day, it's more of the same. It's not personal. It's her own insecurities.



I try to tell myself, "just listen to the advice of friends"...all my friends are pretty normal with food. Well, I mean, they eat too much junk. They think pizza is health food and have dessert every day, and many are slightly chubby, but no one (that I know of) is an emotional eater, a binge eater, or talks about weight or thin-ness or even seem to care! They just DON'T care...it doesn't concern them. What concerns them is getting to study group on time. I have one friend who lives off of granola with soy milk and dried fruit. Every time I see her eating it, the calorie counter in my head is going..."xxx, xxx, xxx..holy smokes! Cause she'll eat like a cup of granola and 2 cups dried fruit...and she's not even heavy!



Some people with their to-die-for metabolisms! LOL



-Linz

Linz - No numbers sweetie

Oops, sorry Cissy. Took them out. I think numbers are such a big part of my life...I don't catch them everytime. Thanks for pointing it out!



Boy, you are gorgeous...and pale! That looks so cool, though. If I see one more person with orange skin from fake tanner, I'm going to scream. But seriously...you have the coolest features...I totally want your coloration and hair! Scully hair!



-Linz

Geez Cissy, you look beautiful in your new avatar!

Linz - It's okay, just a gentle reminder, and I definitely understand numbers being a big part of one's life.



Linz/ND - Aww, thanks I'm not sure if I'm really that pale or if it's just the flash



Anyway, I have to go to the doctor tomorrow, and I am avoiding getting on the scale at all costs... I could have them just not show me the number... but the fact remains that the doctor, nurse, and worst of all, my mom, know that number. I don't like ANYONE to know my weight, not even me. But my visit isn't ED related... I have something on my hand that's spreading, and I might end up on the pill because my periods hurt REALLY badly. So I'm sort of worried about gaining weight, but not so much I won't go on it.



And I'm trying to work a bit on my binging problem... I only ate a couple pieces of candy this week (I'm a laffy taffy addict, and I work in the school candy store... not a good mix). And I'm eating more veggies and fruits. I don't think I can keep cereal around anymore till I don't abuse it anymore. I mean, it's always healthy cereal, but eating half a box at once is not good.



I had a panic attack this afternoon... well, my mom told me I was having a panic attack, and I don't consider it a panic attack, because I think I had reason to panic. I was freaking out about my scholarship acceptance or something, because I don't remember doing it at all.



Uh, wow, I talk a lot. My positive: I beat the castle I was working on in Zelda after about a week of not beating it

Linz...things with your Mum sounds...blah. *hugz* to you...it's awful having someone who's supposed to be supporting you giving out triggering comments that don't help your situation in the slightest. What you do eat is healthy, and 16 baby carrots is in no way a binge. *hugz*





Cissy....hope all goes well at the docs. I, too, hate people knowing my weight. *hugz*







Okay...well....I did it. I had my smoothie. And have been every night now as my 'dinner'. The first night I had it, I was pretty panicky and felt full all the way through the next day. But, I continued with my drinks (juices, milo etc) that mum left out for me that day anyway. The point of having the smoothie isn't to stop drinking other things. It's to increase my diet/calorie intake etc. Not to only start having one per day and nothing else.



Yesterday was a bad day. I felt miserable all day. I had a small morning smoothie, barely had anything for the rest of the day, and had another dinner smoothie. It was my mood that was iffy, my body actually felt ok. Today has been better, my mood is a bit lighter and I'm feeling less miserable.



My next psych appointment is tomorrow...I have to figure out what my next step is gonna be, and I'm a bit freaked because I really don't want anything else...these smoothies are scary enough. I'm tempted to skip this weeks step, and take it next week...but that's the worst thing I could do. If I skip one week, I skip another... temptation can be an awful thing. So, I wont allow myself to do that. I'm gonna be strong and take whatever comes this week. I can do it.





*hugz* to everyone

~Gabs



Positive: My video player in my room is working again *bounces*

Cissy, I LOVED Zelda. Its so fun to play esp. when you beat certain levels. I miss my old Nintendo.

Okay, I leave in about 10 minutes...

awww... cissy, i had a Dr appt today, too.. and when the nurse said "i need to check your weight".. i was like "uh-uh".. "no, way."...



i didn't get out of it, but i needed a TSH test.. :P

Cissy - I used to LOVE Zelda. I had it for my Game Boy. Good times. I have a Game Boy Advance...hmm...maybe I can get it again?



I really loved Tetris though...such a geek, I am... ;D



oK. THIS IS OT. Sorry.



Good luck with the doc's you guys!



-Linz

Okay, didn't get weighed, yay Mom said we could leave if they tried to weigh me.

your mom rocks

wow. That's GREAT OF YOUR MUM.



I think it's smart too. If you are eating when hungry, LOOK AND FEEL HEALTHY, and are obviously properly nourished, then I don't think it should be anyone's business what you weigh! I mean, it would trigger me, even if *I* didn't know...I will NEVER let a doctor weigh me again. It would almost definitely trigger me!



I haven't weighed in for a long time, and that's one reason I have been able to do better than eating...no more toilet paper and lemon cough drops for dinner.



Seriously....you have a cool mum.



-Linz