Well update...feeling okay today. Have been eating more solids, and last night I ate because my mum was on my case and I just. wanted. her. to. stop. badgering. me.
I realized a couple things: we have different systems, and different stressors and I also have this tendency to NOT eat around people. I swear these last few days I've been eating more nutritious foods than her. She is a workaholic. She goes 18 hour days drinking coffee, popping tums, nibbling on a donut or croissant, sitting at a desk doing reports, and limited exercise. She gets home at 8 or 9, after having eaten a donut or two and maybe a latte. High caloric, non-nutritious foods.
In that time, I've had maybe a black coffee, a 2 cups of veggies (celery, eggplant etc.) with salsa. No where near the same number of calories, yet still infinitely better for you.
Aside from gum and coffee, all my foods are nutritious. I just don't eat enough calories by conventional standards (by my standards, unless I'm dizzy, I've eaten too much...that's why I won't talk about these things by 'my standards' right now).
So it's like an inverse. I drink 2 to 3 liters of water before I get home. She maybe has a cup. I run an hour to an hour and a half a day. She usually takes the elevator (not the stairs) cause she is running late. I am a pathological nutcase with time. If I'm late, I am so anxious, and am almost always early. She is ALWAYS running late.
I eat healthy foods with low energy values, she eats unhealthy foods with high energy values. I am underweight and active, she is slightly overweight and practically sedentary.
So, we get home. I have dinner at school...usually a stir fry or something. Sometimes they offer tofu. I get that. I try to eat my last meal before 6 pm. I feel infinitely better about eating before then...she eats maybe 60 or 70% of her daily food intake AFTER 7pm. She gets in about 7:30, so hungry, and her 'typical' supper is something like a glass of soy milk, and two peanut butter sandwiches with about 2 tbsp peanut butter on each one, and two slices bread each.
Here's the rub. She has no conception of calories, but always talks about losing weight. I find this IMMENSELY 'triggering'. In fact, she talks about dieting more than ever...when I was not so thin, it wasn't quite such a hot topic. Now, every day, she talks about it...
She will ask my advice, only to 'mock' my suggestions. Ok. I know "I" don't have the best eating habits...it is NOT because I don't 'know better'. I was originally an honors biochem major. I understand about human metabolism, about caloric needs, about nutritive requirements, and fat requirements for optimal brain functioning...for mood regulation...for sleep. A year ago, when I made my mum's meals (brekkie, lunch, dinner), she lost about 1.5 to 2 lbs a week and kept it off when I made meals. I would make (average day): oatmeal with soy milk and bananas, for a snack: vegan ranch dressing, some almonds, and some cut up veggies, lunch: an apple, a pb sammie (she likes those) with no butter and 1/2 as much pb on thinner bread but with apple slices, and a serving of Rice Dreams and a fruit snack. Dinner: salad, corn on the cob, maybe some vegan chili with more beans. Or I'd alternate with high fiber brekkies and a modest amount of fat, more protein. I aimed for about 1300 calories, given her extremely LOW level of activity, and told her to space out her snacks so she didn't wind up feeling starved.
Ok. Now, she lost...healthily...people said she looked great.
However, when my schedule became hectic, I took over laundry/ chores and asked if she'd take over meals (we always work something out cause we are both EXTREMELY busy. BOTH of us are insomniacs...I average 3 to 4.5 hrs of sleep, my mum gets 6 to 7 hours a night). Anyway, she has put on weight again, and now is asking my advice: what did you do? Is this good? etc.
When I tell her maybe to have a sammie, open face, to limit bread and add an extra slice of tofurky or an apple or something...she says, "bread is not the enemy, you know. I know YOUR phobic of it, but I don't feel like I've had a real meal if I eat just fruits and veggies...like you!"
If she laments about how she can't lose weight, and I mention maybe making a sammie with less pb and less butter...cause she really uses a lot...she talks about how "calorie concious I am".
When I say maybe getting more fiber would help...as it helps with keeping full....reduces hunger...I get an even more caustic reply.
When I say maybe limit juice calories and eat the whole fruit instead, this is rejected.
Or the latest...when I say maybe she should try to get more exercise...omg...she starts about how I'm a "fiend" with exercise. WHICH IS NOT TRUE. I might be extreme about some things, but not with that...yes, if I like something, I might go overboard, but I'm not heading off the gym every second. I do toning exercises, because I have very little muscle...for about 10 minutes a day, sometimes 20. I do 50 crunches or so a day...this also helps my intestines/ reduces bloating, I think. It SEEMS to help, and I doubt 50 crunches in a day is excessive.
But ANYTHING is too much for her. I swear, this is driving me nuts. Even when I do something in moderation...I get ridiculed for it. Just because I'm 'underweight', doesn't mean I should eat ONLY high fat things, nor does it mean I should stop exercising. Because 1 hour a day approx. (since I don't run on weekends) isn't what I'd call too much. I'm not in sports, in dance. I don't do intramurals at school. It's winter, so I walk less, since it is blistering cold.
I just feel immensely triggered and criticized even when I do things well.
No matter what. Here's an example. She'll buy bread, muffins, cake, cereal, a package of baby carrots, salsa etc. Way more wheat products, less veggies.
If I eat all the veggies, and that's all I eat...because my diet is primarily veggies and fruits and raw foods...she starts saying how I 'binge' on baby carrots, for example. Excuse me? I find this VERY TRIGGERING. She'll see me get 16 baby carrots and a half bowl of salsa for a snack and say..."can't you be more reasonable?" And it's like "huh?"
So I'll ask..."is this too much food?" Her response..."it's too much of one kind of food." And then I'll say, "it's the only thing in the house right now." And she goes, "fine, but don't binge on them!"
Binge? Is 16 baby carrots a binge? She says it is...she says it's WAAAY too much. She'll take 3 or 4, but then make herself 2 sammie's and is all, "see...this is reasonable...some sammies, and a few carrots. I'm not overdoing it."
And it's driving me insane! Can't you eat MORE VEGGIES, by quantity, if that's all your eating? I don't like how she ridicules what I know by saying, "well, why SHOULD I listen to you? You don't reflect a picture of health", and then I'll say, "I know what I NEED to do, and actually doing it is hard for me, but that doesn't mean I won't try to do it. Knowledge is different mum. I know something about cell biology..." (that was my focus when I was a biochem major). Or I'll say, "you know, when you say I 'binge' I find it very hurtful and it upsets me. It makes me not want to eat at all. And I don't think xx carrots is a binge. A binge is eating a cake, a loaf of bread, a bag of chips, 2 liters of coke...at once. Feeling out of control. Eating until your stomach hurts. This is a binge, and I have NEVER BINGED in my life, if we use the term properly."
And she just goes, "Oh Linzey...a binge is also eating too much of one food."
And I say, "what if I eat 16 baby carrots AND a sandwich is that a binge?"
"No...that's just eating a lot."
She also says things that I find myself replaying over and over. Like how this thin girl on tv looks "goregous. Look how she can wear ANYTHING and it just looks so good on her! She doesn't have these bumps that are so unattractive." I think she means like normal imperfections...a slightly rounded tummy. Slightly big arms.
And last night, we watched a show and the girl was sort of chubby, and she laughed and said "wow...that girl has nerve...imagine going on tv being that fat!"
I said, "well, lots of people are heavier. It doesn't matter. Why should they stay off tv mum? You say the other people are too thin, then you seem incredulous when someone is bigger."
"Linzey...DON'T start again."
Or, two days ago. A converation.
"You can't just eat celery."
"Well, you seem to think I binge on carrots."
"Okay...what do you think I should I eat?"
She makes me a small meal..."Here...this is better."
I pick up this bean burrito, sigh, "Fine".
TWO BITES in and she's like "yes, you need to eat more. Try to eat about as much as I eat, ok, hun?"
I nod. "I'll try."
Then, 5 seconds pass and she says, "although I'm a house...maybe you SHOULDN'T eat like me...just eat more."
She goes to the washroom, I chuck out 90% of the burrito.
Triggers, triggers everywhere.
I feel like just eating at school. My friends only say, "wow you eat such healthy foods." They don't comment that I need to eat less, or more, or different foods, or more types. It's so less stressful.