Deal! I already have a rubberband around my wrist.

Maybe. I mean, I'm probably depressive, and maybe have OCD. But nothing else really fits the bill. I'm not borderline, or manic, or cyclothymic, or personality disordered.



But I am overwhelmed and very sensitive, and like I said, often struggle with bouts of severe melancholy. However, it isn't like classic depression...it's not so much illogical as very logical. The Earth is in ruins, death is not certain, and if you get attached to anyone you better not love them too much because they could die the most horrendous death imaginable.



I do not have faith in a benevolent creator, and I think life is "too much" for me...too much sadness...all these people and I don't really know anyone that is even happy. It doesn't give me much hope for the future.



Oh, maybe we can add an anxiety disorder. Probably moreso than depressive features.



I'm highly anxious and anything that dulls that anxiety is welcome...I mean, almost anything.



Most of the time my addictions are benign, and I keep my eating more or less stable by pre-deciding what I'll eat and then, my only job, is to eat it. When I'm consumming lots of liquids, the calories are higher, nor is my goal to become massively thin. I just want to be able to get though a day without feeling like I'm going to throw up blood because my tummy is internally bleeding. Or be able to go to class and not have my hands shake cause I'm so anxious and have so many things on my mind.



And yes, some additional REM sleep would be much appreciated...



Normally, this is how I cope:



>lots of coffee (grr, I know, I know, but after not sleeping I need to wake up)

>lots of running if I'm really moody or sad

>turning on lots of lights

>IM friends

>listening to music

>reading...and more reading...and reading some more I wish I had an "all you can ever spend at Chapters" card



When I'm overwhelmed, I can't sleep, and my entire body feels like one mass of tension.



But yeah, trust me, I'm mad at myself as it is. I was cut-free almost 8 months. Dang it!



-Linzey

Being mad at yourself is pointless. If you aren't ready to get professional help, will you at least consider buying yourself a couple of self-help books on one of these topics:



self-esteem

cutting

eating disorders

depression



They will help you out and at least get you started.

Cherry Head...have you thought how lots of behaviours are sort of akin to SI...just not so obvious. Boxing, martial arts when it gets very fiesty (you always come away with bruises), ballet (have you seen their feet? One big bloody mass! My friend is in ballet...her feet...ugh. They look so red and the skin is coming off one, and they bleed. I don't know how she does it everyday without being in constant misery)...even piercings, tattooing, smoking...all those things hurt the body.



And when I eat, it's almost always highly nutritious foods.



So I still think I'm better off than someone who eats 2500 cals a day of vending machine-esque junk, McDonalds, cake or pizza etc.



Just a thought. Well, mine.



-Linzey

Yeah. I have a lot of books. Over a 1,000 in my room. I guess I am a Walter Mitty of sorts...I have all the classics, like "The Bell Jar", "The Hunger Artist", "The Edible Woman", "Catcher in the Rye", and newer memoirs on anorexia like "Wasted". I've read "The Golden Cage", "Best Little Girl in the World", "Kessa" (the latter two I didn't find that grand), "Second Star to the Right" (I believe that is the name), Cherry Boone-O'Neil's account, "Stick Figure" and quite a few others.



I've read maybe 6 or 7 on cutting/ related issues, and maybe several dozen on depression - novels and otherwise.



I typically read 3 books a week, sometimes more, lately less...so I guess I have to start reading again Such a healthy past time. And I never feel worse after...only empowered.



One of the best things I've recently 'read' (it's sort of obvious, but sometimes the most obvious stuff escapes you) is to learn how to say "no". "No, I'm sorry, I'm too busy...I can't come over tonight." "No, I'll have to miss the show, as I have a study group."



Before it was always, "I'll fit in it!" Now, I realize how accomodating I am almost by default and how this leaves me ragged and drained and much more likely to snap, fall into a depressive bout, or do something less than smart re: school or my health.



-Linzey

Not just novels. Read self-help books; therapy books with suggestions and activities to help you get better.

Linzey-yeah, I have thought of that. I am in ballet too, but.......hmmm. Yeah, and thinks like tattoos, peircing, etc.



Very interesting though.



I was just thinking. I have a lot of problems:

-Anorexia

-OCD

-Depression

-Suicidal thoughts

-Self Injury

-Excessive use of pain killers

-Borderline alcoholic

-Seperation Anxiety

-Panic attacks that render me not able to even walk sometimes

-Borderline personality disorder

-Paranoia

-Doing things like getting high off of household items, etc



But half or more of those aren't even being adressed in therapy. Sometimes I just feel like I should go into a hospital. *sigh*

Good!



There are lots out there that can help you get enough strength to trust someone enough to get help.

I don't think ballet is akin to self-injury. I've done both and they're very different.



I think the ballet toe shoe thing is more like an eating disorder. You don't do it BECAUSE it hurts. You do it for whatever other reason- because it's beautiful, because it forces you to work harder, because it's something not everybody can do... and when it hurts, you just smile harder. When it hurts, it's harder to keep control. But if you can, you feel like you've achieved something... for a minute. And then you realize how very much it hurts and you're like, "I just did a twenty minute solo en pointe. I executed each turn perfectly. OW OW OW MY FEET HURT." And then of course there's the part where everyone's like, "how can you DO that? It screws up your feet so bad! WHY would anyone choose to do that?" and you have no adequate response. Why DO girls do pointe? Because it's pretty? Is it really that much prettier than flat shoes? I usually give the, "if you have to ask, you could never really understand" answer.

AoD...yes, I think I was kind of confusing there...ballet is probably much more similar to an ed, namely anorexia, than cutting. I'm sorry about that. Cutting is more like...hmm...I dunno, boxing. Smirk. I'm not a fan of boxing. I guess that tells you something about why I'm so pissed at myself. Don't I think? I mean, before I stab an exacto blade into my arm. At least it's not THAT deep. Wouldn't want to have to stitch it by hand. That would kill.



But yeah, I can see how ballet is a pain mingled with a beauty of the form...the dance. You keep pushing, and pushing and pushing yourself. I read that the average ballet dancer at Joffrey takes in about 50 calories more than 'starvation level'. And they wonder why ed's are so common amongst ballet students...sigh.



-Linz



p.s. - Cherry - it seems like you are suffering a lot worse than me In more ways, and probably more severely too. And if life is harsh to me...well, ((((((hugs))))))



Just so you don't feel totally alone in your prob's, I would say I have:



- 'Borderline' Anorexia. My eating habits are loads better than last year, and sometimes I eat normally, and without much guilt. The 'low' calorie spectrum for normal, but still.



-OCDish. Not an actual disease. Mostly with numbers...with eveness.



-Depressive bouts, again, I wouldn't say I am clinically depressed. I will have to guard against it though.



-Suicidal thoughts - yup. But I think most people have suicidal thoughts from time to time...I mean, they imagine what it would be like it they did die, and how they could die. But not an actual plan.



-Self Injury. Yup.



-Excessive use of pain killers. No to this one. Although I did take 15 extra strength (25 reg, equivalent) when I was 14. To kill a 'headache'. Yeah, Linz, ya dumb ass...wreck your liver.



-Not Borderline alcoholic Cherry. Nope. Not me. I never drink. I only have coffee as a liquid drug ;p



-No to panic attacks. Although I'm very anxious

Thank you, that made me feel a lot better.



Not good enough though. Around March of last year, I started getting really depressed, withdrawn, and constantly thought of running away. I would curl up into a little ball and every so often I'd let a few tears slip out.



I'm back into that routine again. I feel exactly like I did then. I want to run away, I want to slice at my wrists a bit deeper than I mean to, I want to hide up in my room for hours. Not eat at all, though the eating disorder is new.



*sigh*

Annoucement: Cherry Head has created a new thread for cutting/depression, so let's move that discussion over there and keep this for eating disorders. Thanks!

Thanks, was just about to do that.

Question re: sluggish intestines. Does anyone have any tips of safe stuff I can do to help my digestion, umm, go a tad faster? I don't like the feeling of stuff rotting in my gut. lol.



I know coffee helps, but too much makes me naseous. I'm essentially interested in liquids I can take...I digest those much more readily.



Thanks!



-Linzey

Linzey, your intestines are not sluggish. That feeling is a part of your illness. Coffee is not the answer. Eating fats, whole grains, and fluids are the answers.

Linzey - What Krista said. If you eat normally, it will help.

Maybe it will help...but I doth protest. Yes, I do have sluggish bowels In tip top fashion, they should expunge food daily, especially if you eat lots of fiber.



Mine don't. A week...and each meal...my tummy distends and the pain worsens. When it goes through...it's like a balloon deflating. Hence my liquid-solid-liquid yo-yoing. I feel miserable on solids and it is triggering. My doc said that I already have bowel problems (since childhood). They x-rayed them and told me to watch it with insoluble materials...I have VERY NARROW intestines, and they aren't that "elastic" or something...anyway, all they said is that I have a higher risk for intestinal blockage. I wouldn't even know, since I have felt like my body has been filled with cement for days. It's causing my legs, feet, wrists and rib cage to become filled with fluid. Very bad edema. Again, when my colon is 'clear'...I don't have these problems with edema.



I'm not saying it's healthy, but it's not strictly due to a lack of solids, because I have had this problem far longer than I was reluctant to eat. In fact, it was probably a condition that sort of triggered me to begin with...



Just wondering if there is something besides coffee and lemon water? I think green tea helps? Maybe a certain vitamin?



-Linzey

Hey all...*hugz*



~Linzey...a big *hug* to you, and feeling a little better is better then nothing at all, right?





to everyone who needs it..another *hug*







Well, after my little sob fest in the shower last night, I finally went to bed aroun 1am (normal for me), and, as usual, couldn't get to sleep untill around 5am. Gah, that is annoying. I haven't had coffee in aaages (I stopped drinking, like, everything except for some occassional water when I was really bad) and since been put back on juice and milk and stuff, I've stayed away from it, so it can't be that as to why I can't sleep. I thought it may have something to do with not getting outta the house/not getting ANY excercise, so hence part of my reason for going for that walk yesterday, and that seemed to make no difference. Damn it. I have to see my doc next week, so I might bring it up with her-or mu psych. I read a lot of people saying how sucky they're doctors/psychs/therepists and what not are, and I can't help but feel lucky there. My mum, my psych, and my doctor are all fantastic. So being able to tell them these things helps, I guess.



I'm feeling pretty anxious today, as tomorrow is my 'starting smoothies' day (or SS Day, if you will...ok, that was lame), and keep having to slow my breathing down because the thought of it is making me panic slightly. My moods swings are kinda awful, and I feel down today; probably remains from yesterdays weird thing. I just resent having to have these drinks and stuff, and there's no way out of it. I feel a little proud though, as yesterday I was panicked and mad and crying and all I wanted to do was resort to my old ways and cut myself...and I stopped myself from doing it. So *deep breaths* that's a good thing. I kinda just told myself how I'm hurting myself enough already, and I don't need to do more damage to my own body.



So...I'm plowing on. Upward momentum and all that.



*hugz* to all you amazing people out there

~Gabs

Positive: I made some money-always a good thing.

Linz - Maybe you should see a doctor?

Agreed. Also, it takes a while to recover from not eating correctly.



Frankly, you complain a lot about your problems, but are not willing (from what I can see) to do anything about them. So, get on it. If you don't like how your body is treating you and how you treat your body, then do something about it.

Linz, you're not pooping because you don't eat anything. There's nothing to poop. Please, do like Krista and Cissy say, find some assistance in this.

I did see the doctor, Kristadb. Several times. They said that they had seen "thinner" people, and acted like I was fine. But they said not to lose anymore or I'd hurt my heart.



Anyway, they told me that my bowels are naturally very small and that I've probably had absorption problems. They said I could take a psyllium blend and metamucil and stuff. They really didn't help me at all.



I find natropaths better. More helpful and compassionate.



Sorry, I'll stop asking about my stomach. I thought maybe someone knew a herbal remedy or something. I don't like taking laxatives...they are way too harsh and I'm afraid I would develop a dependence.



Also, last time I went to the doctors and said I was anxious and couldn't sleep...they told me to exercise more. And they were sort of insulting too. I hate doctors!



-Linzey

um. sorry. I don't have a question.

I've noticed that people with mental illnesses and disorders, such as eating disorders and also cutters, often get easily insulted by doctors. In fact, I did as well. Now I know that it was my way to avoid getting help and blaming someone else.



If the doctors didn't help, it's often because you were unable to express your issues properly to them. Sure, there are crappy doctors out there, but I'm starting to believe that sometimes they have crappy patients. Next time, write a letter or even a list and give it to the doctor. Let the doctor read it. Ask in your letter for clear advise to help you out. Or, ask for a referal to someone who can help you.



You have two choices. Do nothing or do something. For your own sake, doing something is the better option.

The first doctor I went to about my eating problem was really insulting. She actually made me cry.



But I knew I needed help. So I looked for another doctor... and found a really marvelous nutritionist who was able to help me get better. Not all doctors are awful. You must find *someone* to help you.



And I mean *help* you. Not just a holistic foozball who will be encouraging and show you canisters of psyllium husk and talk about taking herbs.

That makes sense, krista... The lady I went to before break also said that she had seen girls much thinner than me... and we've already been through the part of the conversation where she told me I was fine and not TOO thin.



To be fair, though, I do think she was asking dumb questions. "are you hellbent on destroying yourself?" Like I'm going to tell her that I'm hellbent on destroying myself, knowing full well that if I tell her I'm a threat to myself, she legally can (and has to, I believe) tell someone, anyone, and everyone else. Plus, if I were truly hellbent on destroying myself, I wouldn't tell anyone who would try to prevent me from it. That would be stupid.



There are some things that doctors should just know not to say when dealing with eating disorder patients. things like, "you're not TOO thin" or "I've seen thinner" are triggering even if the person really doesn't have an ED. As for the "you're fine" thing, for a long long time I denied that there was anything wrong with me. Sometimes I thought I WANTED to have an eating disorder, but that I was sort of faking it... you know? It takes a lot of courage to come out and say, "okay. I think something is wrong and I need someone else's help to take care of it." and to be told, "you're faking it. you're imagining things. You're a hypochondriac and you're not really sick." Just makes me feel like I'm a liar and like maybe they're right... and in that case I feel like... this is ruling my life. I'm not fine in my mind. I'm miserable most of the time, but in order to get someone to hear me and help me, I'm going to have to get thinner, sicker, more "extreme."



eta: I also am not truly sure if I was completely honest with her. Maybe I really AM hellbent on destroying myself? And when she asked me what the "perfect weight" was, I certainly wasn't about to answer that straight out. But, to be honest, I think someone who works primarily with ED patients shouldn't expect them to tell the whole truth all the time, especially the very first session when they don't know you at all and don't know how you'll react or anything.

Very true, AoD. To be told 'you're not TOO thin' is the worst thing when you're trying to recover. Over Christmas, my sister was down. Now, she's surrounded by stick thin models all the time (she helps run fashion week for this designer dude) and this was when my mum was really trying to get me to understand I'm too thin and I need to gain some weight. My sister walks in "Gabby, you look f*cking amazing! You've lost so much weight! It looks fantastic!" and mum, sick of hearing this for continually ove the few days she was down, finally says "well, she's a little [mum wanted to say A LOT lol] too thin, so we're gonna feed her up a bit" and my sister, in front of me, goes "no, she's not too thin at all! *turns to me* Oh! I have like, a whole box of clothes that I can bring down to you next time I'm home. They'll fit you now!"



and here's me, sitting there thinking 'see, I was right...I'm not too thin at all!'



yeah...it took a big convo with mum to calm me down.



*hugz* for you AoD

~Gabs

oh my goodness...today was one of them days lol...but i did eat more..i think..well.yeah i did somewhat..still excercised like i do everyday..but i think i made a lil progress..mentally...*I AM BEAUTIFUL! NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY*...blah blah..heh..no seriously..i had like a talk with myself in the mirror..it was rather refreshing..i think....*breathes in deeply*.....

.....welll school was complete haydEES!...one of my lil Teacher ladys..told me i was too skinny and asked me how much i weighed..she said she was dieting ...i was like OK???..she said shes "doing it on the south beach diet"..and she PUT HER 10 YR OLD DAUGHTER on it too..i thought wOAH THERES A FUTURE ED...i think its sad..bc her daughter isnt even the slightest bit overweight...shes healthy......sad sad world....but i hate it bc im TRYING and ppl still make comments...blah...i mean what do i have to do...wear a post it on my forehead?...goodness......well i was quiet all day..and did my work like a good girl..i just keep telling myself.."only until may...then ure free from this depressing hell hole".......heh.......



well i got the "too skinny" thing again today...tonight at church..this girl who hasnt seen me in a while..was like omg ure so tiny...u look so much better than me...imlike UH OK...shes one of thosepeeps who acts like ure bf in front then runs her mouth....heh,,i dont have any time for those lil girls.....well she asked me if I WAS STarving myself...i was like omg no...and she was like really?..it was just so odd....just to hear it outloud....but then i talked to my REAL friends and it was awesome..and theyre supportive..bc they know i have trouble but am putting in effort...but i just got this big push inside tonight...see im in a praise band.....i lead..and tonight God just told me to be patient and that he;s going to take care of me...so i just need to give it time...and get better inside and out....life is so beautiful...we are all beautiful...





gAbblez-babe im gonna be praying for ya..and yeah i dont get much sleep either 1 am is usual for me too...



linzey-hope ya feel better..and prune juice...warm..helps....alot..

I often feel like that too. It's so easy to get overwhelmed, pessimistic, lose hope. There's just so much wrong with this world.

It's so easy to succumb to the view that it's all meaningless: Life is short (or painfully long; whatever sinks your boat). You watch people you love die. And then you die.

And just in this thread here. All this needless suffering. And I can't do anything about it.



So yeah. You do need to learn to adopt a certain amount of cynicism to get by with this world. Mixed with some sort of resilient optimism and an ability to never lose hope. Otherwise life crushes you like a bug.

I think it's also a matter of learning that there are things you can't change. There will always be people suffering. Millions of them. And wars, and natural disasters, and poverty, and illness. You can either let that get to you, or you can learn to adopt this convenient shield of ignorance and get on with your own life, and be able to be happy. (while of course trying to help those you CAN help, and be a decent human being).

Not that I think that people who are happy are just insensitive and ignorant- that's not what I mean. It's normal to be happy, and its right rather than wrong. Because otherwise- what have you: those who are suffering suffer, and those who could be happy suffer in unhelpful empathy too. A lose-lose situation. Let's just go ahead and die all of us, then, because life must be a mistake.

So you're primarily responsible for yourself. There are a million things you can't do anything about, but the one thing you CAN better is your own situation. You need to start with your own life. (And thats what I wish you would do now).

Sometimes I think I've got an obligation to make the most out of my own life. Because I CAN, because I have that opportunity, because I have options, unlike incredibly many others. I have a safe home, good parents, access to good & free education, have no financial problems and I am healthy.

But it's a good idea to humbly recognize what we have and be grateful for that, it should never go as far as constantly blaming ourselves for making ourselves unhappy, or criticising ourselves because we have so much ("you're spoiled and ungrateful") and still have problems dealing wit life. This is important: guilt won't lead you anywhere, nor will constant self-criticism. Relativism, as in seeing the bigger picture, and comparing, can help with us with a healthy view of things, but that's about it. You can't guilt yourself into being happy.

Its a cliché, but you need to love yourself to get by. Take care of yourself so that you have mental capacity left to help others.

And by all means- while much is rotten on this earth, there is thankfully so much good and beautiful and valuable too. Like love, literature, music, friendship, nature, animals- dont forget that while it sometimes seems like the world is filled with unhappy people, many manage to die of old age surrounded by people they love after having lived a fulfilling live.

Id like to see you become one of those

No, I actually think the doctors I went to were very poor. I had articulately told them the problems. I was cooperative initially. So what your saying is a tad insulting because I was in no way "crappy" as a patient. I was as honest as could be, and I came away triggered for it. Even my mum said she felt like she should diet coming away from the meetings. She was aghast at how thoughtless and glib and snarky they were to me.



And Charity...it wasn't a "holistic foozball" that told me to take psyllium! It was my gp, who also said it was good I had cut out avacados cause those were a bad source of calories and, and told me to increase blood pressure by eating salt.



But several people here seem to have low opinions of non-orthodox ways of treating problems; that's fine. But the natropath was the only one who was evenm half way compassionate and offered many plans and got my weight up 12 lbs...with the others, I continued to lose. The only reason I probably didn't get really sick was because of him...he was against laxative usage and and I don't view "holistics" as something to scoff at! Holistics is about incorporating all aspects of being in an analysis of a problem...not viewing the body as something that can be cut up and addressed in segments like sectioning flesh. He treated me like a real person, and not like I was a crappy person when I was honest and trying. But none of you really know the real me...you didn't know what happened, what I did to try to help myself...you just 'see' parts of me now...when I'm at a low point and tired and maybe you are even projecting some of your unwillingness to be real and honest in your times with doctors unto me.



But I wasn't that way...I'm hesitant NOW of doctors. With good reason.



I don't like being called a "crappy" patient implicitly, or having the people that helped me ridiculed fornot being your typical western medical slash-and-institutionalize doc. Btw, my natropath went to med school and was first licensced as a gastroenterologist. He didn't like how they dealt with the body and how they often reduced patients...and got out of the classic hospital setting.



I don't think I was unduly sensitive. I even queried my mom later..."is it just me or would that have insulted you?" And frankly, I was right on the money about what was overstepping the boundaries.



Granted, they weren't shrinks or doc's focusing on ed's...but they still could have been more sensitive.



-Linzey