Charity and ND - I actually don't know why I was eating those foods. My mum made a big pot of soup with cabbage and onions and potatoes, and canned tomatoes, and told me "ok. this is healthy. it's not going to hurt you. You can eat some of this...I don't want excuses!"
So I ate it. I did pick out the potatoes though. I just don't like them. Sweet potatoes, fine. But I can't stand potatoes. I guess, for me, a food had to be really flavourful, otherwise it seemed like 'a waste of calories'. If that makes sense? Mustard, marmite, sour soothers, hot tamale candy, jolly ranchers, things with bite. But not all things with bite, cause Barq's has bite (smirk) and they don't have a sugar free barq's...hence, I won't drink that.
But I've requested my mum buy more tofu dogs, more eggplant, some more salad materials (not just cruciferous veggies), and some tofurky...those slices, so I can take something to school.
If I don't take something to school, I KNOW I won't eat until dinner time, and then, when it's dinner time, if no one is around, I think "why waste this time? keep studying"...and I know that what I'm really thinking is..."why eat when no one is around to SEE you eat?"
Although I think I'm doing better with volume of solids lately. It's more like, I can liquidy foods and up the calories a bit, or solids, and keep the calories pretty low, but not both. I just obsess and obsess if I do both.
At least right now. Maybe not for all time, but right now. Last time I tried recovery, and put on weight, I relapsed way worse because I didn't like how much they had me put on...and I've been at a low, but healthy-ish weight I guess. I mean, I have this thing where I can't go below a certain weight, or I force myself to eat and gain 2 lbs a week until I get back up...and that is like pure torture, so I just hover in this range and have maintained that for maybe 8 months now.
But I feel that's better than putting on more weight and relapsing, cause I know that I do tend to go back further and further each time I start losing again. And I don't want that either...
Sigh. Sometimes I ALMOST wish I was blind. Not really. But sometimes, cause I think that would make me obsess way less. Over this, at least.