Linzey - If crucifers hurt... don't eat them! I have the same problem, especially with broccoli and cabbage. The only way the pain/swelling will go away is to stop eating it. There are lots of other non crucifer veggies you can eat, that are yummy too. It's just like wheat for me... if I eat much, I get migraines and bloat like hell. So... I usually don't eat it.

Why? Give one GOOD reason why you should be so adamant about this. Having such a strong aversion to a minimal source of fat is a clear indication that this ED is still ruling your life.



When you can drink full fat soymilk on occasion without flipping out, then you can say you are in control of your diet. So long as you make statements like this, you're just as much a victim to the ED as you are to your sneaky dad.



And I don't mean to be harsh. I just want to help you see this for what it is. Okay?

And I'm just going to throw this out there... Full well knowing I'll be flamed for it.



Linzey, do you fill your tummy up with cabbage so you don't have to eat real food? Knowing that it'll make you feel pain and be unable to eat later?



That's something to really think about.



Gals... This is the support forum. And we can't tip-toe around each other's little tricks. Let's get em out in the open! When you see someone doing something very characteristic of an ED, call em on it!

Sweetie, you're going to have those cramps until you get used to eating. The cure, as difficult and dumb as it may sound, is to KEEP EATING. You know that you have a problem, and this is a big step. Your body's just NOT USED to being fed like it shouldd be. It's like, "What the hell is all this stuff in me, I haven't had this in awhile!" so it takes awhile for it to get used to digesting again, and you get bloated because it doesn't digest as fast and it needs more water to do it. This is how it was explained to me. The pregnant look will go away if you keep eating. I had the pregnant look for quite a bit, but it's not fat. It will go away with time.

Charity - I was thinking that too. Because I've done it. Lots of times.

thank yall for the support..it jus feels better knowing some of yall have some of the same problems..and think they same way about things..



Gabblez-yeah it does suck about school...today i left right before lunch bc i just didnt think i could take it......i wasnt even gonna try...just the smallest comments..make the biggest marks...but i hope u start doing better! and keep up with the juice!



charity-aw thats awesome...yeah i should be proud!..i should be the one saying ewww to them for eating all that mcdonalds..lol...*shakes head* its all toxic...



Linzey-see...i didnt eat many solids for a long time...bc i didnt like the feeling of having anything in my stomach..it just grossed me out..it made me feel icky...so i would just chew gum...or maybe eat tic tacs..and drink alot of diet coke and water....and so on...just alot of beverages..diet...or tea...and im just not starting to actually EAT food...like my veggies and fruit...and wheat bread..but see ill like take an onion and put it on the grill and cook it and ill eat it...which i like it anyways..but i know its like practically nothing..but it gets me full..and therefore i wont eat anything else...but it does hurt...and then i think omg i must have ate way way way too much...to me ..i did...but i know i didnt..its just crazy..........i need to find recipes for some soup..i think i could take that better....

Charity and ND - I actually don't know why I was eating those foods. My mum made a big pot of soup with cabbage and onions and potatoes, and canned tomatoes, and told me "ok. this is healthy. it's not going to hurt you. You can eat some of this...I don't want excuses!"



So I ate it. I did pick out the potatoes though. I just don't like them. Sweet potatoes, fine. But I can't stand potatoes. I guess, for me, a food had to be really flavourful, otherwise it seemed like 'a waste of calories'. If that makes sense? Mustard, marmite, sour soothers, hot tamale candy, jolly ranchers, things with bite. But not all things with bite, cause Barq's has bite (smirk) and they don't have a sugar free barq's...hence, I won't drink that.



Sigh.



But I've requested my mum buy more tofu dogs, more eggplant, some more salad materials (not just cruciferous veggies), and some tofurky...those slices, so I can take something to school.



If I don't take something to school, I KNOW I won't eat until dinner time, and then, when it's dinner time, if no one is around, I think "why waste this time? keep studying"...and I know that what I'm really thinking is..."why eat when no one is around to SEE you eat?"



Although I think I'm doing better with volume of solids lately. It's more like, I can liquidy foods and up the calories a bit, or solids, and keep the calories pretty low, but not both. I just obsess and obsess if I do both. At least right now. Maybe not for all time, but right now. Last time I tried recovery, and put on weight, I relapsed way worse because I didn't like how much they had me put on...and I've been at a low, but healthy-ish weight I guess. I mean, I have this thing where I can't go below a certain weight, or I force myself to eat and gain 2 lbs a week until I get back up...and that is like pure torture, so I just hover in this range and have maintained that for maybe 8 months now.



But I feel that's better than putting on more weight and relapsing, cause I know that I do tend to go back further and further each time I start losing again. And I don't want that either...



Sigh. Sometimes I ALMOST wish I was blind. Not really. But sometimes, cause I think that would make me obsess way less. Over this, at least.



-Linz

HillaryLane - I'm a big fan of tomato soup It's very calming for me, on my stomach....I actually adore all things tomato-y. I have been known to drink salsa...to crave it. LOL



-Linz

Linz- is that you in your new aviator?

I am doing really bad...I am so depressed...and eating really weird, I have lost a little weight but I ate normally today...so my weight proably skyrocketed...I am so depressed that even small things make me cry...found out Saturday that 3 of my friends from Remuda have been re-hospitalized...one may be dead...one is suicidal and 2 others need more intense treatment than they are currently recieveing

haha i eat salsa out of the bowl with hot sauce....its gotta be reallllllly spicey...tomatoe soup sounds good....but ummm i dont wanna eat like condensed can soup...isnt that full of extra fat?

Annika...I've been fiddling around with avatars all night. Some were me, some not. I must have tried 6 so far! lol.



The one right now, that says "empty" is Evan Rachel Wood in Thirteen.



I'm so sorry to hear about your friends I lost 3 friends - 2 in car accidents, and 1 in a fire - when I was younger and 'just starting' with food issues. Those things can really, really drain you!



Hmm, I need a replacement idea for 'prayer'. I don't pray. I guess you have my thoughts...and hopes that you feel better soon.



Luv,



Linz.



P.S. Hillary - you can make your own tomato soup, or get Campbell's. If you are very nervous about fat content, just read the nutritional info. Most tomato soup should not be full of fat! I don't get cream of tomato, just tomato, or tomato with basil, or tomato with rice...

It doesn't matter if it is. You're a healthy young woman and you can stand a little fat in your diet.



You are not here to abstain from fat and lose weight.

linzey-yeah ill find somethin..



charity-yeah i kno bad old habits...im gonna try..i think its bc its the word "FAT" so it totally freaks me out.....

Hillary...the only fats you want to avoid are trans fats and whatnot.



Essential 'fatty' acids are necessary for health, though, so try not to let a word skew what you eat or anything. I find that a certain dose of efa's helps with my mood...lessens depressive bouts.



Oh, you can make your own soups to keep sodium low. A lot of tinned soups have too much sodium...and msg.



-Linz

First of all....a BIG *HUG* to everyone who needs it...and to those who don't, as well, 'cause a hug can never go astray.



~Azalea thanks for the welcome and hi to you aswell. Tara from Buffy? Heehee...thankee...she's my one of my fave characters! lol...

~Linzey Both of you are too sweet...lol..thanks hun-and *hugz* to you



~Hillarylane....the smallest comments can make the biggest marks, and a lot of people don't get that. Just try to remember that a lot of the time they don't realise how much of an impact the comments make, beacause they don't mean for them to...*hugz*







Well....I saw my psych yesterday. I acheived the 'goal' we'd laid out for me to do in the last week (start on having some milk) so she was all proud and saying that it's really good that I'm moving forward. Then we laid out this weeks 'goal'. I have to have a smoothie...and it has to be by this saturday. *eep* Okay...I'm not thinking too much about it. I also now have a diary thing she's given me to fill out. Anything I consume has to be logged, along with any exercise/purging/binging etc.



At the moment, I have what my mum sets out for me during the day (I'm on school hols, and she's not here to hand them to me...so she leaves it on the bench and I'm supposed to have had it all by the time she gets back from work...which gives me all day). Generally, she sets out two juice boxes and two cups with Milo (that was last nights step...to have Milo-Australian powdered energy drink thing-instead of the 99% fat free one I'd been having) that I have to add the hot water and milk to when I have it. Normally, once she's home, I'll end up having another juice box and another Milo that mum hands me...



It seems like so much to me, and I'm having difficulty not panicing after I've drunken it. All that milk....gah. My tummy feels huge and it doesn't hurt too much, just feels funny. *breathes* But still...I'm dealing. I sometimes want to pour my juice out, or just make it look like I've had my Milo's....but there's a trust thing between my mum and I, and I can't betray her like that. They'd find out eventually if I was doing it anyway (my weight change or whatever would give it away) and then I would either 1) Be put into hospital and have NO control over what I consume or 2) have to go into work with my mum every day and be monitered when I drink. An it would almost definitly be the hospital. At least this way, I have the drink when I'm ready to, no one sits and stares at me and I at least have some control.



Ok...I'm putting off having my Milo....so *hugz* to all again, sorry to babble so long...



*hugz*

~Gabs xoxo



ETA positive: I talked to a friend I'd been a little estranged from and all was good so, yay!

Gabbles...if the juice and/or Milo makes you nervous...is there something else you can drink or eat that makes you feel a tad less anxious, that your mum could agree to as a replacement?



Sometimes our fears aren't rational...I'd discuss it. Like maybe a bowl of tomato soup (lol - a food I feel is safe) to replace each box of juice, and some tofu to replace the milo? Something like that?



-Linzey

Hey guys. I need to get my act together, and I know this is a pro-recovery board, but I honestly woke up feeling bloated. Feeling so horrendous. I was crying all morning. Life shouldn't be so upsetting.



I think I'm at a point where I might wind up triggering other people right now, so I'm taking a break from my forum activity. I'll be back later...when I feel stronger.



(((hugs to all of you strong, amazing people!)))



-Linzey

~Linzey....to tell the truth, the juice and milo and flavoured soy milk are all I can take...I'm working my way up to smoothies, then soup etc. All of it freaks me out, and I just, in a way (a really, really big way), want them all to leave me alone to not eat. But that's not going to happen *pouts like a three year old*. Soup, to me, seems like more 'real food' then juice or milk. Which is weird, 'cause those are prolly more fatty or whatever then a nice bowl of soup. *shrugs* I have a weird mind.



*hugz* to you babe. I, too, have had a bad day. I just got out of the shower after spending 20 minutes on the floor of it crying my eyes out. I drank more today than normal, as my mum is trying to stuff me as full with juice and milk as she can. I've been feeling miserable and icky, and my mum and her boyfriend bought up my birthday (which is not far off-at the end of the month). It just depressed me and I feel incredibly stuck in this space/frame of mind and don't know how I can get out of it. I'm having the drinks and setting out my 'goal for the week' with my pscyh, and sticking to them, and doing all that which I'm meant to... but mentally, I'm freaking. I haven't cried in a long, long time so tonight kinda of scared me.



I am, however, determined to get better. It's like there's two me's in my head, one who wants to not eat and hates me for doing it, and the other who see's what this is doing to my mum and everything, and is determined to get through this.







~Linzey....PM me if you want hunny, whenever you want, about whatever you want. I'd be happy just to be someone you can vent to and I'll give advice if I can, or just be there to talk to if you need it. *HUGZ*, you are strong, just remember that, and will be able to pull through this rough patch.







*hugz*

~Gabs

ETA: Today I did something I was specifically told not to-I excercised. I just felt so...blobby...after my drinks that I went for an hour long walk....I've been specifically told 'no excercising' as I blacked out last week, and almost fall over every time I stand up due to lack of energy or sustenance or whatever. So...yeah...oops. But I had to get out of my house, and do something new and..well...yes, burn off some of what I drank.





Positive: I got my Angel DVD's back from my friend so I can veg on the couch tomorrow and watch them

Gabbles...I feel a tad better, thank you.



I think I might lurk for awhile. If I post, it will be 'ed free' because I think I'm not really in the best pro-recovery mindset, and that is my problem. But I know how much it triggers people.



I guess going for solids so quickly was asking for problems. I feel like I ballooned up over the past 3 days. I feel so ****ty and anxious, and not getting any sleep doesn't help.



It's weird, the more I do what people tell me is 'smart and healthy', the more I seem to hate myself. I have a history of cutting and this morning, 11 new cuts joined the previous ones...which are scars now. Dammit. I'd like my arm to be unlacerated for a week. Groan. I dunno, I never felt LESS happy than when I eat. I actually cut pretty deep and couldn't even feel it. Like stabbing deep (short, but far in)...poke marks. And then I went in search of gauze, and surprise, surprise, there are none. (Wonder why).



And I get to school and I guess I'd look pinker after running, but I must have been pretty pale cause my friend commented on it...and then said..."are you bleeding?"



Glancing down, blood had come through a undershirt, a waffle shirt, and a sweater. Gah. Stupid. I really need to THINK sometimes. I used to be so disciplined.



But with a swollen belly, I think I made the right decision. No ex-lax for Linzey. I'll just let my poor gut stabalize, process the gunk, and go back to sipping soy....every day I eat solids...it's like a plugged sewer system...I'm getting more and more bloated. Even my wrists were swollen. I'm sure one day it won't be THIS bad (god, let's hope not)...but right now, my colon is pretty sluggish. Since I don't want to ever, ever take laxies again, that means alternating solids with liquids. Otherwise I'm a)triggered to fast or b) triggered to cut.



And both of those are crap options for dealing with stress. But being this swollen is triggering and panic inducing. So yeah, jogging for 45 minutes, lots of black coffee...dang...let's hope SOME of this junk digests soon.



-Linzey, who sometimes wonders how she got to THIS point in life.

Linzey, are you currently in some form of treatment? If not, please admit yourself. Now. Turn off the computer and go see a doctor.

Kristadb, Charity...((hugs)) back.



Kristadb...to answer your querie. Nope.



Unless you count CSI-marathon night :-)



All joking aside, I find doc's have really given me the worst sort of complex. They have been, with one exception, a solid string of self-esteem robbers and have said some of the most callous things.



Groan. People deal wonkily. I just have to cut down on stress. Less coffee, more sleep, and right now...more asprin. Damn ulcer.



-Linzey, who is going off to get some tums. I can afford those.

So, I guess I've been doing okay. I mean, I've been eating. But I've been also feeling like a huge fat pig. My not being able to eat around people is getting worse. I ate some vegan pizza around a friend of my brothers, and I almost cried I felt so awful.



And I cut. I was so fed up with like everything.......I don't know, I'm an awful person.



I've been feeling like weighing myself but then, part of me knows I shouldn't, and part of me is scared to weigh myself, in case I've gained.



Rawr.

Cherry Head...me too. I haven't weighed in, for months! I'm developing "scale phobia"....I dunno, I guess most likely I've maintained, cause I seem to stay CLOSE to this weight even when I eat a lot or eat practically nothing. I was always petite, and my 'setpoint' is still a good 15 to 20 lbs under what you'd expect for someone 5 ft 3'', and that was always eating higher caloric stuff. I was always a shrimp.



Don't ask me how 'this' all started.



Oh wait. Major depression and extreme gastric problems making digestion of anything other than soy milk a literal pain in the gut. I almost forgot.



-Linz

Cherry Head...cool avatar, btw



-Linzey

Tee hee!

Linzey - you have to find some form of therapy assistance, be it a group or individual. Even a school conselor or nurse would help. You are endangering your life and we can not provide the kind of assistance you need to get better. Please get help.

You mean cutting or my crappy eating?



The cuts are superficial usually, and the eating, well, I am working on it. I've maintained for a bit, and my doctors aren't on my case. Some days are worse than others, but I try to make up for it with protein shakes and whatnot, even if it kills me.



I know I have a tendency to get worse when people get involved. It's why I'm left to my own devices, I guess. I think it's the stress of having people watch and hover...I literally do lose my appetite and my stress levels sky rocket. I hate being observed.



Now, if I could just magically heal this ulcer...I'm sure it would help a lot with my reluctance to eat. It's hard when it causes literal pain and distention, ya know?



-Linzey



p.s. Cherry Head...you realize we could be twins? Same conditions, even cutting. Let's have a healthy competition...NO more cutting. I hear putting an elastic band on your wrist can work in a pinch. Snap it. Not too hard of course, otherwise you might as well cut. Nevermind the bruising. Shudder. But it could work?



I also hear using a red felt tip marker helps some people. Shruggs. I don't think that would do much for me. Running myself into the ground might work. Ya know. The burn. I think it's that endorphin rush too. I can feel it after about 20 or 25 minutes.



Last but not least. Punching bag. A la Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Hey, it COULD work

Yes.



Cutting is *not* healthy, nor is it "typical" or "normal". It is the result of a mental illness.



Likewise, your disordered eating is all those things and the result of the same style (or even the same) mental illness.



Please get help.