Eat to Live V: Support Thread for Eating Disorder Recovery - Page 16 - VeggieBoards
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#451 Old 01-02-2005, 02:31 PM
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Linz - I absolutely know what you're talking about with letting the food dissolve. I used to chew things a million times and take an hour to eat a cup of soup, for just that reason. What you've got to realize though, is that if you're actually EATING substantial amounts of food on a regular basis, your stomach will learn to digest them. I promise. Your tummy was created for just that purpose. It's a digestion machine! It'll churn the food right on out, you won't be feeling it rot in there.



(I can also recommend some good digestive enzymes, if you want. I know a bit about them! And have a vegan brand I'm fond of.)



gabbles - Two thumbs up, chika. One step at a time, towards nutrients, remember. Fruit is good for you! You need vitamins, antioxidants, and all of that to make your body smile. And prevent cancer!



Beth - My ID picture was taken when my face was all hallowed out. Everytime I look at it I cringe.
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#452 Old 01-02-2005, 03:20 PM
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A few posts to catch up on:



For those of you having trouble eating solid food - make shakes and eat cooked fruits/vegetables. They are easy on your stomach and will get you used to ingesting food.



And please throw away your measuring cups until you are capable of not abusing them.



Frequent small meals will also help. A small shake w/ peanut butter, then an hour later, a small piece of fruit, an hour later a 1/2 sandwich, etc etc.
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#453 Old 01-02-2005, 11:13 PM
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gabbles



I'm kinda jumping in here, ND, glad that you realize you dont want to go backwards that really shows progress



Im working on moving forward, slowly.I have had 6 b/p free days now. but also 6 meager eating days. so my next step if I can retain the non bingeing I guess needs to be increase what I eat or when I eat, I just am in a bit of an emotional rut, which translates into an eating rut. I need to learn to separate the two.



Charity btw your post about enjoying your food a few posts back was really excellent.
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#454 Old 01-03-2005, 12:37 AM
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so um, is it normal for my heart to STILL sometimes feel all weird when i eat a significant amount?
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#455 Old 01-03-2005, 05:44 AM
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mayu:.. i'm not sure.. i had an arrythmia to begin with, that now only acts up in REALLY cold weather...
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#456 Old 01-03-2005, 02:02 PM
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hah, well i live in vermont so i guess i'm screwed
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#457 Old 01-03-2005, 04:34 PM
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Mayu...can I ask, how did you eat before? Like when your heart went weird?



I restricted a lot. Some would say I still restrict a lot. At my worst, I ate toilet paper though. But yeah...I never had heart pain or murmurs...(although my doc said I have a strong heart). But I also know my electrolytes were not THAT wacky...like my potassium levels, cause I never purged.



Do you think you could lack a certain nutrient...like potassium? Maybe aim to eat more potassium rich foods?



Sorry I can't be of more help. It sounds a tad scary, for sure...



-Linzey
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#458 Old 01-03-2005, 04:53 PM
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Potassium is a good thing just in general. Dark greens and bananas. Bananas are a marvelous food. I've never met a person that had trouble digesting bananas, and they're about a 100 calories a pop with lots of good for you things. A nice thing to add to the 'recovery' diet.
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#459 Old 01-03-2005, 05:25 PM
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I'm afraid things are spinning out of control again. I'm having a sort of reversal of holiday eating, trying to lose some excess weight from that. I planned to do it somewhat responsibly, but, it just didn't work out that way. I mean, from my perspective it isn't starvation by any means, but there's such a negative reaction from others, it's out of the norm... I'd be better off without the scale, but it's already there in the bathroom, and I'm not the only one in the house, so I can't just throw it out.
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#460 Old 01-03-2005, 05:26 PM
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if you can't stand the thought of chewing a whole banana (please don't yell for this one), mash it up w/a blender.. freeze them and mix w/soymilk in a blender for a "smoothie", or.. buy it in resealable baby food containers (i was weird when i was recovering, it couldn't have seeds in it for a while, or it wouldn't get eaten)
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#461 Old 01-03-2005, 05:46 PM
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click-Sorry to hear it... relapses suck. I've been there multiple times. You know that you don't want to go down that road again. What worked for you in the past when you needed to eat more? Remember what has brought you success in the past and use it to help you now. Wishing you all the best...



Allison- I had never even seen those pics before and they scared me! My ID pic is a lot thinner version of me too. I don't like it at all.



JP-



And yes potassium does rock. The doc at school was saying something about an irregular heart beat for me, but then again he says a lot of things and I don't trust him at all really. My doc at home says that I'm fine.



So it should be exciting when I go back and they (at school) wanted me to get all these tests done and my doc at home thinks that all those tests are ridiculous since I'm obviously healthy. They want me to get an EKG and my doc at home is saying that there is no way that I could have run a marathon with a heart defect. As least I am confident that I am healthy, so I don't feel scared by them trying to intimidate me into doing all of this stuff.



Positive: I got new glasses today that I am quite excited about. And my eyes are in good shape!
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#462 Old 01-03-2005, 06:17 PM
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eh, it was probably just too much caffeine. that happens sometimes
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#463 Old 01-03-2005, 10:20 PM
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i know i need help...but i dont know what to do...im 16...i'll be 17 in feb...i weigh around 95..i think but im only like 5'1...but my body hurts..and blah..its all a very long story...but i tried to stop loosin weight at 110..but i couldnt stop..and now i jus wanna maintain...how many calories do i need just to stay around this weight?
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#464 Old 01-03-2005, 10:22 PM
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I recommend you talking with a nutritionist or a dietitian concerning this, Hillary.
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#465 Old 01-03-2005, 10:28 PM
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my grandmother is a dietition...i talk to her some about it....but i just have the biggest fear of gaining weight....
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#466 Old 01-03-2005, 11:09 PM
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~HillaryLane-



hi...*hugz*....I'm kinda at the same point as you. Terrified of putting on weight, yet knowing I can't go on like I am. Especially now my mums on to me, and I'm seeing a psychologist and my doctor. Are your parents/someone aware of what's going on? Because I find, personally, that now my mum is involved, I kinda 'have' to start recovering...because when it was just me doing it on my own, it was all well and good telling myself that I had to get better, but it would always be 'I'll start tomorrow...or a few days' and it would never happen. I'm starting super slow...at the moment, its mainly juice. My mum sets out the juice I have to drink that day, and I drink it (i wont get it for myself). I drink juice box's, mainly, I find them easier then juice out of a glass or something-like, it's a 'set' amount...it's weird, and little hard to explain. Starting the day before yesterday, I now also have this low fat powder drink, added with hot water and a little bit of soy milk. This has been happening for a week now, and I have to start adding other things...maybe if you started somethign like this? Juices, a tiny bit of soy milk? Something like that?



I don't know if that was helpful at all, but I thought I'd try...it's terrifying, and sometimes I resent how much juice/whatever I drink...but I know I have to.



*hugz* to you

~Gabs
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#467 Old 01-03-2005, 11:15 PM
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aww....yeah my mom TRYS to help...but i just dont think she understands..juice scares me....like bad.....im eating like grilled veggies...but it hurts my stomach so bad.....and itll hurt for like hours and hours...and ill just feel so grosse....i cant stand it.......*HUGZ!*...
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#468 Old 01-03-2005, 11:21 PM
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I know juice is scary...I wasnt drinking ANYTHING except the occassional small glass of water...so when the doctor goes 'juice. Start on juice' I was terrified. My first glass (i had to have it in glasses at first) was VERY watered down....but it was a start. Now I have my juice boxes....and sometimes I wake up in the middle of a panic attack ove rhow much I'd had to drink that day...but I get through it. Just like I know you can...



If you're able to handle the veg (ie you can make yourself eat it) what about making it a puree to drink? Just mix them all up in the blender or with a hand held puree making thingy....water it down a little to make it more drinkable, then maybe it wont upset your stomach as much? Just an idea...you could go from there to soups maybe? Or pureeing it less each time....or maybe smoothies? Banana with a little bit of soymilk?



*hugz*

~Gabs
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#469 Old 01-03-2005, 11:41 PM
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yeah i was thinking of some tomatoe juice...i think i could do that....im jus so scared to loose anymore weight....bc im known as this "perfect little christian girl"..and now everyones calling me anorexic and like "when u feel hillary all you feel is ribs" and i go to a very small school like 12 people kind of small....its at a church and the people there are kind of mean to me well the grown ups..we have 3 teachers..and we bring our own lunch or we can order like fast food..well i dont eat any fast food....so whatever i bring they criticize and are so nosey about stuff..and they tell me i need to eat...its awful...i cant wait till may bc i get to graduate a year early..so im outta there..thank goodness...
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#470 Old 01-03-2005, 11:57 PM
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Tomatoe juice sounds good....and the fact that you're scared to lose anymroe weight shows that you know you need to gain it...or at least eat now to maintain it (Which is good!) You just need to find things you CAN eat (or make into a drink form to make it easier on yourself) and slowly progress from there...that sucks, about your school. It makes it so much harder when people make comments when you're trying...*hugz* to you for that. You CAN make it through this...you have to try and push past fears of certain foods/drinks, not all of them all at once...but slowly. But you do have to do it, if you don't want to lose anymore weight.



*hugz*

~Gabs





Okay....feeling slightly panicky today. I have my appointment with my psych in about an hour and a half....I don't wanna go . But, on the positive, she is nice and I like her, so it could be worse.
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#471 Old 01-04-2005, 12:35 AM
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Hillary, take healthy, hearty things with you that you can be proud of. When they say, "what's that?" You can reply, "Tabbouli, it's a grain salad made from bulghur, mint, and tomatoes. Typical of the near eastern diet. I've also got some hummus and artisan crackers. I got them at this specialty shop in [insert shwank part of town here]." I love taking fascinating lunches to work/school. I feel all... ritsy, compared to other people's fast food!
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#472 Old 01-04-2005, 12:43 AM
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Charity - I know what you mean. My friends and family are inferior with their pizza and/or lunchmeat sandwiches.
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#473 Old 01-04-2005, 12:22 PM
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Hey.



I'm back. I missed you all! I hope you're doing all right, and hello to the people I don't know!



I'm worse than ever, maybe. I don't know. A month ago I was underweight, I haven't had a period in a long time, and my brain was so starved I was thinking really crazy thoughts. I was in a really bad state. I was really depressed about... well, everything, really. Mostly about breaking up with Stephen (Gazumper, I mean!). I never noticed a difference in my size, but everyone else did, and around Thanksgiving I decided that I wanted to gain weight so Stephen wouldn't notice anything. But it was really crappy pseudo-recovery, a binge-fast cycle.



And now I'm home from England, Stephen and I are back together, and I'm really happy with everything... except that I've gained weight. And I know it shouldn't matter. This is good for me. It just seems like every time I attempt recovery, in the end I'm worse off than before.



I just feel like this will never end. Even though I'm happy, I can't reconcile the eating and the weight-gain. I want to be normal so badly. I feel dumb because I'm 20 years old and I've been dealing with this for most of my life, and I should be better by now. It sucks.
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#474 Old 01-04-2005, 01:10 PM
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OMG IT'S KAT i missed you girlie!
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#475 Old 01-04-2005, 01:44 PM
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Welcome back, VK



Please don't be too hard on yourself. You know that EDs have nothing to do with being stupid. You're very intelligent, you know that



At some point you will get recovery right. But I don't think it will be easy, and you've really have to be committed to the idea of letting go. Now that you're back together with Stephen I hope that you can focus on getting better again



And to the rest of the ETL crowd.



It's been a while since I last posted, and I'm sorry I haven't been around much lately to reply to reply to posts.



Welcome back to Linzey (it's been a while!) and welcome to newbies Gabbles and HillaryLane.

It's funny, Gabbles, you actually remind me a lot of the character Amber from Buffy. A gentle soul.



Hello to the oldies too. Thanks ND & Charity, for being so helpful!



Theres not a whole lot going on with me these days food & weight-wise. I weighted myself this morning (a thing I only do very rarely), and Im at the same weight that I was in the beginning of December. A weight that, admittedly, shocked me because it was a lot higher than I had assumed it would be. But Im coming to terms with that. I keep reminding myself that Im at a healthy weight even if the number seems very high to me.



As for my health in general- a little more than a month ago some weird things happened to my heart. Irregular/slow/racing pulse, chest pains, palpitations etc. I finally went to see my doctor (after a scary few days), had an ECG done and blood samples taken, but everything seemed normal. Well it lasted a week, then I felt fine again, so I though I was ok after all, but then right after Christmas I started having problems again. So I called my doctor who will now refer my to a heart specialist, -Ill receive a letter from him/her soon, telling me when my appointment is.

Since last Thursday Ive only experienced problems 2-3 times, last time on Sunday, so right now Im fine. Hopefully itll last.



Apart from that Im going back to the University soon, this semester Ill be taking two courses (both literature!) that Im looking forward to a lot, although its a bit scary because its now at a more advanced level than its been so far.



Take care, all of you.
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#476 Old 01-04-2005, 03:29 PM
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Azalea...thanks for the welcome (welcoming back! lol). Do you think you could have gain muscle, maybe? I mean if you feel really slim, and the weight is higher than expected...maybe you have just been more active? Maybe?



Gabbles....yes, it's true...you seem really gentle and sweet, and now it's like I have "Tara" in my head when I think of you, LOL!



VK - sounds like your 'holiday break' was even less fun than mine! (((hugs)))



HillaryLane - do you notice that some foods cause pain and others don't? Or do you just get stomach pain whenever you eat?



Couple questions...could you have an undiagnozed/ appreciated food sensitivity or allergy?



I am allergic to wheat, and milk. I get cramping with milk products, and my belly swells if I eat cruciferous veggies (broccoli, cauliflower, brussel sprouts or cabbagge...the last 2 being the worst for me). I have the worst stomach pain if I consume wheat bread or pastry or something.



Maybe keep a food journal. NOT of calories. But of what you ate, and then, an hour or so, how you felt. Pain/ no pain? Swelling? Cramping?



If you notice the same food is making your tummy bloat, causing pain etc. think about substituting it for something equally healthy. Like if you are wheat sensitive but like noodle dishes...try rice noodles. Or something similar. If cruciferous veggies make you bloated, try beano or try other veggies for a while...spinach, zucchini, eggplant...and lay off (for awhile) cruciferous veggies and then try them later.



If you think you have an ulcer, get thee to the docs. I have two ulcers...one in my stomach (not 'one'...when your whole stomach is ulcerated and bleeding...but tons, I guess), and one at the top of my small intestine. I'm in pain if I eat, and I'm in pain if I don't eat. Darn. I take a tylenoyl 222 at least once a day cause I'm doubled over in pain, otherwise. 2 years ago my ulcer was so bad that I coughed up blood too....



No fun...and if you think an allergy/ sensitivity/ ulcer or something similar is to blame...try to cope with it by adjusting what and how you eat.



I find smoothies are great...maybe if you are having trouble with certain lentils/ beans or something...make some strawberry-tofu (mori nu lite, or soft, tofu) smoothies etc.?



(((hugs to all))))



-Linzey
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#477 Old 01-04-2005, 04:48 PM
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Gabbles....yes, it's true...you seem really gentle and sweet, and now it's like I have "Tara" in my head when I think of you, LOL!

Ah. Of course...of course. Amber is the actress; Tara is the character. I knew that.



eta: Linzey- Having ulcers sounds horrible I don't envy you...

And I see how it must make eating that much harder, and not exactly making recover any easier. Your troubles with food seem like such an intertwined mess of mental illness & stomach problems, as well as a history (since childhood, no?) of food issues...



You're probably right about me needing to exercise (Im not very thin, btw. Certainly not underweight). It's been weeks since I last went for a walk. Walking is my only exercise, and these last few weeks I've mostly stayed inside. Mostly because I was afraid to leave the house alone and was anxious about what might happen if I my pulse rate went up--all because of the heart issues. There's been a few times when even walking a little faster than usual (up the stairs, up the street after having fetched the mail), my heart would go wonky. So I'm just a bit cautious.



And lazy of course

Can't deny that.
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#478 Old 01-04-2005, 05:47 PM
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Azalea...ahh...heart problems make me feel faint. I have a very strong heart, very low blood pressure and pulse. I can run for two hours at about 5 or 6 mph (dunno...I guess that's fairly fast) and my legs burn but I don't feel tired.



Yes, having an ulcer is horrible. It heals. It comes back. I don't 'know' for a bit cause there isn't always pain, and then I start internally bleeding, catch a cold, spit blood. Uh oh, I think. It's back.



And I go for a barium swallow. Which means no eating for about 30 or so hours and this lime-lemon salty liquid that makes me want to retch that is basically a laxative and further upsets my tummy.



So usually I go the 'natural health' route...lots of probiotics, and yes, yogurt. I hate not being vegan, but yogurt is actually a food I can tolerate..no pain, no cravings, no bloating. So when I have a really rough time with my stomach (and colon...damn colon), I stick to lots of smoothies.



Eating solids make it a pain.



I don't know if I had full blown ed'd tendencies as a child. I'd venture to say that there were warning signs. I was a nibbler. I'd throw food up in the air and only eat the ones I could catch with my mouth (my mum hated this 'game'). I was always very weird with numbers. I have a sister, a twin, and in a pic of us as little kids...her legs are about twice the size of mine. She wasn't big; sort of normal sized for her height. I was under the 3rd percentile for weight (15th for height...so I was still petite any way you slice it).



I remember going to camp when I was 12, and they weighed us, or they weighed me - that's all I know, and I was 61 lbs, and everyone was "ooh, you should weigh a lot more." And I was thinking, "ugh. NO THANKS."



But I mean, I'd still eat WHENEVER I was hungry, had no conception of calories, and was always this highstrung, perfectionistic, anxious kid. But I ate pizza and donuts and pasta with sauce, or brownies and frozen yogurt...stuff I haven't touched in years. And I ate until I was full.



So I think, given my temperment and habits and whanot, I'd be a 'candidate' (as strange as that sounds) for an ed. I don't think I HAD one until I was about 17 or so.



And yes, having an ulcer makes 'normal' eating hard...well, at least mine, cause they are chronically bleeding. If they bleed too much, they can require surgery, so I really don't want to aggravate the condition.



I often wind up on antibiotics, it heals. I'm okay. For like a month.



But I often 'relapse' with ulcers...it's so annoying.



-Linzey
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#479 Old 01-04-2005, 06:54 PM
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it's been really tough these past few weeks being at home... my parents did notice and freaked out when the saw me and so they've been watching me and all... won't let me get away with not eating. Even sometimes when one parent is at work and calls home, the parents who is at home will list the day's menu over the phone. It makes me sick to hear it and think that I ate all that.



My body is wonky from refeeding too fast, I think. My belly is enormous and I've been getting really painful cramps (not menstrual cramps. No period for me at the moment.) and such. My heart is going nuts, too. But my skin isn't as dry as it was when I first got home and less hair comes out when I wash it or brush it. That's a good thing, although I still think dry skin and a little hair loss is easier to deal with than crippling stomach cramps and all the rest.



I have no idea how much I've gained. I've been afraid to go near the scale.



I think part of the reason that my parents did the whole sneak-meat-int-her-food thing (see "my parents, meat, and trust" if you haven't already) was that they thought I was too thin. I know my dad likes to put stuff on/in my food when he makes it (or when he used to, rather. ) to get in some extra calories. I hate it. He also keeps trying to make me drink full-fat soymilk. Which I will not do. Period. Ever. But from a couple days ago on, I'm making my own food anyway.



I'm really trying to like the way I look now- even after just two-ish weeks at home, the difference is extremely noticeable and I'm pretty sure it's kinda wrong. I look pregnant and a LOT less boney. I know the pregnant part wouldn't be happening to a normal person and that part's wrong. But I'm trying to get used to the less-boney part. I keep telling myself that my bones are supposed to be INSIDE my body, not visible from the outside.

I try to enjoy food as well. I've been baking up a storm, but haven't really been eating what I bake for the most part. But I'm having fun experimenting and creating. I went to the store for ingredients today and looked at all the labels, but only ingredients. I didn't look at the nutrition facts for anything that I actually intended to buy.



I feel really lazy and bloaty and gross though. I'm eating WAY more than I'm used to eating and I'm excercising considerably less. I feel like a blob. I try not to listen to the voice in the back of my head that says, "it's okay. When you get back to school and nobody's watching, you can restrict all you want. Hell, you can just quit consuming calories altogether until you just collapse and die." And instead think, "when I get back to school I can be in control of how much I eat and I can make the decision to eat enough to be healthy."



But it's a struggle. Every day is a struggle. And it will be for a long time. But one day, no matter which way it goes, it will be over.



positive: I've actually almost got this knitting thing figured out
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#480 Old 01-04-2005, 07:25 PM
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Originally Posted by Linzey View Post

I am allergic to wheat, and milk. I get cramping with milk products, and my belly swells if I eat cruciferous veggies (broccoli, cauliflower, brussel sprouts or cabbagge...the last 2 being the worst for me). I have the worst stomach pain if I consume wheat bread or pastry or something.



Okay Linz, this is what kills me: if brussel sprouts and cabbage make your stomach swell the worst, why, today, did you eat lots of cabbage and not much else? And why on 1/2 (Sun) did you eat brussel sprouts with breakfast, a snack, and lunch? Why are you eating foods that you know will make your stomach hurt? You complain about your stomach, but yet you eat foods that you know exacerbate the problem.



AoD- I suspected that your parents were lying about the meat out of concern for your health, although misguided. I know exactly what you are saying with the cramps. You've got to stick with the eating more and your body will work itself out eventually. Trust me... I thought that they would never go away, but they did. And your stomach will start looking normal too. Good job with not reading the labels and you stay away from the scale! You're moving in the right direction, even though it doesn't always feel that way.



VK- Welcome back! I'm glad to hear you say that you are happy! The body image thing is hard to change; I haven't exactly figured it out yet. I try to see it as a trade off. Now I am happy and healthy and I have more friends and I can talk to people and I'm not constantly obsessing over calories, even though I am not as thin. I eventually would like to get to the point where I am happy with the way that I look though. It doesn't sound like you are the worst that you've ever been though. You're going to get beat this. Even though you may not be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel doesn't mean that it's not there.



Azalea- Hello you! Good to hear from you again. Sounds like your body is happy where it is. I weighed myself the other day (don't ask me why, I shouldn't have) but I did and the number is higher than what I would have thought. Oh well. It's not like that makes me a worse person or anything. Just means that my body likes to be at a higher weight than other people. Nothing more.
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