Eat to Live V: Support Thread for Eating Disorder Recovery - Page 15 - VeggieBoards
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#421 Old 01-01-2005, 07:18 PM
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Quick question...anyone else here develop a near-phobia of SOLID food with their ed? I mean, even if it's low calorie...you just couldn't eat it? I find it increasingly hard to eat solids...even stuff, that intellectually, I know are super low calorie...celery, low fat popcorn, baby carrots.



I detest the feeling of it in my belly.



But I can much more readily consume smoothies, soups (like tomato - nothing with chunks in it), pureed apples, pumpkin (puree), soy milk, tofu (mori nu lite...again, blended up). Liquidy type things.



Couple questions...if I get enough vitamins, minerals, protein, nutrition in essence from liquified stuff like vegetable juice, soup, smoothies, tofu 'yogurt'...but DON'T eat actual solid, weighty, hard to digest (for me!) solids...can I stay halfway healthy?



I mean it's still better than eating solids but keeping the calories very low, right?



I've heard about people on liquid diets that weren't that unhealthy...cause they still were consuming nutritious products...but what does it do to your colon?



I must admit, I used to really take too many laxies, and for a long time, my colon was more screwed up because of that, and I'd feel terrible...bloated and gross, and just couldn't bring myself to eat stuff that never digested.



It would sit like a lump of cement, and I could feel it, and it would make me obsess.



But stuff that I could imagine going more or less through me, excreted as urine, or 'feeding' into my blood stream, or just 'dissolving'...I could eat.



So, along with liquid-type foods...hard candies that I could suck on were okay. Vegan chocolate was sort of okay cause it would 'dissolve' in my mouth. Cotton candy was okay cause it would also 'dissolve'. Gum, fine.



My fear of solids is pretty strong too...I could squeeze grapefruit, but I chuck out the pulp and just drink the juice, for example.



Just wondering if anyone else has this? Is this a common fear if you are overcoming an ed?



Or enmeshed in one?



-Linz
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#422 Old 01-01-2005, 08:33 PM
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Linz - I always had the opposite fear... I feared liquids with calories.



Gabbles - Welcome to ETL! It definitely looks like you have some problems... anyway, remember to keep this numbers free, and kudos for adding a positive!
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#423 Old 01-01-2005, 08:51 PM
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gabbles- First: and I don't have a whole lot helpful to say... are you still seeing the psychologist? You CAN eat, and you know that you need to. Keep making little steps forward- those are best. And no need to apologize; you're not certainly not babbling. And even if you want to babble, here is the place to do it.



Linzey- I didn't have a fear of solid foods that I can remember, but as far as you're concerned, I think that your first priority should be getting more calories. You can worry about getting more fiber later. You just need any food- any kind- right now. Starving does weird things to the brain, so maybe if you could meet you nutritional/caloric needs on liquid, the fear of solid foods will be less intense.



So somebody give me a please? I'm feeling this need to regulate my eating and even though I am eating healthfully, I feel like I need to lose weight. This is really annoying. I think it's that it is the New Year and everyone and their mother makes the resolution to lose weight or people are freaking out about gaining holiday weight and it's just making me focus on my own body and eating.



Positive: Things are going pretty well at home. There have been a couple, um, incidents. But overall, it's okay.
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#424 Old 01-01-2005, 09:12 PM
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Hey ND~ Here's your



Maybe take the new year's resolution energy and dig into a new mind-expanding book or hobby. Or just buy a cute new outfit, jacket, or pair of shoes. Or get a haircut or color! I know that urge to 'refresh' yourself. It doesn't have to stay stuck on your weight.
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#425 Old 01-01-2005, 09:38 PM
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gabbles - i can relate to what you said about being stressed and how that aids in food restriction. the same kind of school stress set me off in eleventh grade. i still am extremely stressed about my school work 2 years later now but i try not to let it affect my eating as much. now my eating just affects my mental health in the way that i've become extremely compulsive and emotional. as long as i'm eating more, right? ugh.



today i ate a lot and felt okay about it because i went running. and yesterday i didn't eat enough so i had that horrible feeling in my body. the empty feeling is what i used to love, but now i start visualizing my insides eating at my organs. i know that sounds really gross but i swear i can feel it... when my stomach is past the growling noises stage and it's just feeding on my insides. and the stupid part is that i let that sensation return every once in awhile and i don't do anything about it (eating).

sometimes i wonder how i ever ate as little as i did. and how unconscious an act it was. i didn't think that what i was doing was unhealthy... i wasn't thinking about the ramifications of my actions upon everybody, not just my own self.



okay. that's all the reflective thought i have for this new year's day
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#426 Old 01-01-2005, 10:01 PM
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Vegetable. Start slowly, and maybe eat foods that are nutritious but not 'gloopy' in your stomach?



I have a REAL issue with feeling food. If I can feel it...I freak.
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#427 Old 01-01-2005, 10:07 PM
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ND Vegan - maybe make an exercise commitment? I mean, if you don't strength train, do that, or if you don't get enough cardio in...maybe do swimming a couple times a week?



I was never compulsive or anything about exercise, and so I'm not worried....yet. I love to run though, and can run 1.5 hours or more without getting tired. But I do go gung-ho when I LIKE what I'm doing. When I was snowboarding last year I stayed on the slopes 9 hours my first day. Falling over a lot, and when I got my bath later....all along my spine...bruise, bruise, bruise...highlighting my spine all the way down. I don't know HOW that happened...since I was padded in a huge jacket and landing on snow.



And my legs hurt so much the next day.



In karate, I'd practice two hours a night.



And when I go swimming, they have to kick me out cause I LOVE splashing and diving (must have been a dolphin in a past life!) and everyone is like..."your LIPS are going blue!"



Part of me thinks I MUST be getting enough calories to go that long without getting winded.



Grrr...part of me wishes I could take those food capsules like on The Jetsons...remember those?



-Linz
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#428 Old 01-01-2005, 10:13 PM
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Oops...sorry bout the numbers, Cissy. And thanks for the welcome



Some problems for sure. It's hard, cause my psych and my mum both keep pushing the milk, and it's this scary step that I really DON'T wanna take. The juice and that weird drink thing is hard enough (though they can't understand this...well, my spych gets it a little, she's dealt with a lot of ED's, but it confuses my mum, which I get), but my weight keeps dropping and they all want me to gain weight, which terrifies me.



~Linzey-I'm the same. Solids scare the hell outta me, which is why I'm stuck where I am. Before I go to solids, there'll be a lot of smoothies and soups and such like with you....the thought of 'solid' food terrifies me.



*hugz*

~Gabs

PS Positive: I'm going to the movies with my mum this arvo...probably seeing The Incredibles
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#429 Old 01-01-2005, 10:15 PM
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~Vegetable.....stress sucks. I don't think alot of people actually get how much stress school can put on a person
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#430 Old 01-01-2005, 10:17 PM
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Gabbles...maybe if you really, really need to gain for your health...do so by trying to build lean muscle. Even a little?



Got to be better than nothing, plus, it's dense, so you won't FEEL like you are 'getting bigger', and that might cut down on some of the anxiety for you?



-Linz
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#431 Old 01-01-2005, 10:18 PM
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NDVegan85....I live for little steps. I have an appointment with my spych this Tues, and one with my doc next week. Thanks for the support...its so good to know there's somewhere where you can babble about all this
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#432 Old 01-01-2005, 10:19 PM
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Me, when I began eating again: I just drank and drank everything. I drank ensure, I drank cream soda, I put things in the blender... I went to Starbucks... I knew (and my doctor knew) I wasn't going to stick that much stuff in my tummy. But I had no problem drinking things.



Once my appetite kicked back in (from the calorie supplementation) I was able to eat a lot more food. I know what you guys mean about "feeling it." I didn't want to feel like there was ANYTHING inside my stomach. It made me feel weighed down, or something.



Learn to take pleasure in being full and satiated. It's nice. You know how people sigh and smile at the end of a good meal? It's a nice feeling.
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#433 Old 01-01-2005, 10:21 PM
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~Linzey....Im actually not supposed to do any excercise....orders from Doc and psych, untill I put on some weight and eat regularly, due to some incidences of my blacking out...once that happens though, that idea might be a good one...thanks
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#434 Old 01-01-2005, 10:27 PM
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Somehow I have it in my head that hunger is the most glorious feeling in the world. Still doing better than 2 years ago. When I lived off of TOILET paper and tea without sugar or anything (gak! the calories!).



Even now, I can't drink reg. pop, only diet. Although I try not to fill up on it anyway. I have it at movies though.



I'm very obsessive about numbers too. I eat two pieces of gum at once if they are the 'pieces' - like Chiclets. And if strips, only a half. I had one number I HAD to get too because it was my magic number x2. I chew each bite 30 times unless I'm sleep deprived (in which case, something very weird happens. I ALMOST eat normally...I eat until the hunger is gone, not quite full...but I'm not so obsessive. UNTIL I get sleep, wake up, and hate myself for eating).



It sounds strange to someone who hasn't had an ed, but I like that dizzy, the world-feels-unreal and you are turning into a pale fuzzy bear feeling. I get a rush from seeing new boniness...it's like, "it's ok, it's ok"...otherwise I feel miserable.



When I was born, I had this life threatening condition...I was BORN emaciated due to a transfusion syndrome in which I got very few nutrients. I had no fat, and there were hollows under my cheeks and sunken eyes and these arms that look like twigs. I was the size of a beanie baby.



My mum always says that she thinks that causes some sort of life-long weirdness with food; a biochemical glitch.



But OCD does run on my dad's side, and both my parents are perfectionistic, and I guess I just fit the mold. I even was in "trigger" sports as a little kid...swimming, gymnastics and was a ballet freak too.



Groan.
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#435 Old 01-01-2005, 10:31 PM
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About hunger being the best feeling in the world...



I have been there. But think about the reason for it: Hunger is so great because it means it's time to eat! It's time to consume lots of yummy food! I mean, I love it when I'm like, "oh, I'm hungry!" cos I get to go eat something tasty. (And, I'm currently surrounded by tasty things very often.)



You've got to make the connection. Being hungry is good because you get to eat a lot. Not because it's so marvelous to sit there feeling drained.
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#436 Old 01-01-2005, 10:31 PM
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~Linzey *HUGZ*...I get the same....the love of the feeling of hunger in my stomach, the sight of new boneyness....it makes me feel elated. Kinda of like I've acheived something...and then, there's this tiny little voice that says 'you're being a dumba**, its not good, its bad' but that poor little voice is drowned out by the 'yay!' feeling.



big *hugz* to you

~Gabs
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#437 Old 01-01-2005, 10:40 PM
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I just want to share this. About my body image. I really like having big thighs. Last spring I did a lot of eating and power-walking, and my thighs were very full and round. I was proud of them, and wore short skirts all summer long.



I was watching Mighty Ducks 2 this afternoon (don't laugh at me!) and noticed Emilio Estevez' thighs when he's skating around by the beach. Thinking, "mm! sexy thighs!" I don't know why, but I find strong, round thighs mad sexy.



...Which is a clear counter-point to taking pleasure in boniness. After reading through these recent posts... I'm happy that my mind is working the way it is. I mean, I was Bony. Emaciated beyond belief. ...So I guess now I've got a more positive body image. I mean, I take little delights when I notice a bit of bulk on my body. I like stroking my arms when I've been lifting a lot at work, and feeling my (tiny, granted) muscles growing.



I want to convey this pleasure in strength to you gals... There is something wondrous about being a firm, stable human being.
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#438 Old 01-01-2005, 10:43 PM
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Thanks Charity and Gabbles.



I was like this picky eater since about age 4 though.



I am much more olfactory. I can smell popcorn and FEEL like I've eaten it. When my mum and I go to the theater...she's always "want popcorn?"...and I'm thinking..."we can smell it! Why do we have to BUY it?"



LOL



I dunno...I don't feel drained when I eat little, and that's weird, maybe. But I feel almost energized. It's like everything is brighter. My depressive symptoms are lessened, and I feel alert and colours are bright and smells are strong and everything feels REAL, but I don't feel sad, or anxious, or guilty etc.



-Linz
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#439 Old 01-01-2005, 10:49 PM
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There might be something in that. When I've not had a lot of food, I get very artistic. Or more in tune to art, and nature, and things. I write a lot better when I've been grazing on little snacks.



But I also balance this out with a good hefty meal afterwards. Sure, it's fine to eat lighter if you're about to go on a big bike ride and don't want stomach cramps. But you're supposed to have a big pile of pasta when you come home.



Anyway, I know where the instinct is coming from... It's just that hunger is supposed to catch up with you. After a day like that you wake up in the morning and say, "Holy Jesus it is time for pancakes!"
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#440 Old 01-01-2005, 11:07 PM
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Why am I like, all up ON this thread tonight? I'm concerned about you ladies! I want to post some foods that were really easy for me to eat, when I needed to recover:



-Grape nuts. Little nuggets are easy to spoon down. I used to top em with soymilk and craisins.

-Yogurt. It just kind of disappears.

-Peanut butter and honey sandwiches. (I wasn't fully vegan yet, at the time.) ...The sweetness though, makes it a delicious food that you just want to lick up. The calorie content and nutrients in the PB are marvelous. I used to like this on Woman's Bread (which you can find at a HFS, and it's so good.)

-Chili. It's like a meal, that's sort of a dip. You can sit there and take an hour to eat a bowl of it, if you like. Just get your chili and your tortillas, and go slow with it. Read a book, watch TV, whatever. Relax. Chill out with chili! (Ok, corny.)



And one of the best peices of advice I ever got: Learn to love your food. Set the table. Make time for eating. Plan a good, rounded meal. Pick a theme. Eat three or four courses. You don't have to eat them all at once. Let dinner span two hours, if you must. Have a salad. Have a bowl of minestrone. Then start cooking your ravioli, or mock deli-meat sandwiches, or whatever. Bake a fabulous dessert. Think about how good the food tastes. Think about how good it is for you, too. I fell in love with fresh berries for their antioxidant value and had Belgian waffles or fruit parfaits to incorporate them.



Don't ever be afriad of food. It can't cause you anxiety. You can only do that to yourself. YOU take charge of meal times. Make them fun, make them fulfilling. Light a candle and play some music. Make it romantic, for chrissake. Just make it marvelous! Eating is a good experience.
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#441 Old 01-01-2005, 11:15 PM
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Charity - such good advice.



I do TRY to enjoy food. Eating. I notice my anxiety is less if a) it doesn't cause bloat (which means no apples - too much fructose, lactose (intollerant) and limited sodium) and b) if I stay distracted. I know they tell most people NOT to eat in front of the tv, but that's a much better way for me!



I also can never eat after 6 pm, before 6 am, if I've had too many treats. All the food has to be healthy too...no candy or stuff. Just veggies, protein...things NOT in packages. I get antsy when food is in packages. Yeah, I'm weird.



-Linz



P.S. Have to run! Thanks so much beaut's!
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#442 Old 01-01-2005, 11:21 PM
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Odd! One of my hangups was that I had to have things IN packages - so that they were proportioned by someone else. Cup-a-soup, juice box, these were my staples. Learning to just eat without things being measured was a big step for me.
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#443 Old 01-01-2005, 11:29 PM
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Charity....lol...oh I *do* measure.



I measure soy milk to the ounce and I count out rice puffs by 10's, and I weigh and measure veggies.



But I measure fresh produce mostly. I don't want to eat, like a powerbar. It seems like a waste of calories to me. It's like..."you could eat ALL THIS OTHER stuff and be way more full for the same amount."



And I distrust nutritional labels.



Sometimes, however, I want to know the EXACT calories in a piece of fruit. If you go to bulk, you can see the measurements on your receipt...into Calorie King it goes, and then I can calculate based on that.



So, I do measure, but most of it does have to be fresh stuff. Veggies, when I eat solids, make up like 90% or more of my diet.



That's another thing. I need to know cals. I might still eat it, even if it's relatively high (like sweet potatoes...I like those so much (mashed) that I'll eat some...but I have to *know*). If it's most likely way lower in cal's, but I don't know the exact number, then I'm paralyzed and can't touch it.



-Linz



Gah.
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#444 Old 01-02-2005, 12:00 AM
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I'm the same way... with smelling things



I used to out of my way on my walk to dance class because there was a donut shop that smelled fantastic. I don't even like donuts. I like thi IDEA of food much more than the actual thing. Like I'll go to the grocery store and spend hours there reading the labels of things I already know I could never eat. I like looking at the cookies and things in the bakery. Food in its idea form fascinates me. But food to me is like war to many soldiers in training. It seems like I might enjoy it until I actually have to face it.



I also relate to the bones thing. but I'm not going to say much about it because if I really start getting into it it'll probably start getting triggering.
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#445 Old 01-02-2005, 12:06 AM
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but when it comes to fearing solid food... I'm exactly the opposite. I'll see someone post that they drank a glas of juice or a regular pepsi and I get all, "my god, how can people stand to do that?"



And again, I'm leaving it there for the same reason



eta: not "how can they stand to do that" like I would think if I saw someone eating a burger- I'm not disgusted by it. I just don't understand. It's like seeing someone eat and enjoy peas. I don't understand how they could enjoy peas because I certainly don't but I don't think any less of them for it at all.
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#446 Old 01-02-2005, 12:08 AM
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AoD - I understand.



But about food. Yeah. I understand. I read, reread, re-reread labels. And not just for nutrition. I like to get protein - 30 or more grams a day, and when I am eating solids (usually every other week), I aim for 25 grams or more a day.



I like to make things...cook fancy things. It's very scientific. All that measurement, adorning the food, making it all pretty. And then my mum eats it...and I'm like..."well oatmeal is nutritious and I could have made that in 5 minutes! - Why did you have to wreck my goregeous genoi chocolate cake with the fluted icing ruffles?"



And she looks at me like I'm crazy.



LOL.



But seriously...creating a very hard to duplicate recipe...it becomes like architecture, modeling, sculpting. I don't want people TO EAT it.



I was at a thai restaraunt about 2 weeks ago with my mum. This woman had hand carved my carrot into the most DELICATE and beautiful 'flower'. It was exquisite. And when I came back from the washroom, my mum had eaten it because "I wasn't"...and I just about blew a fit.



I wanted to preserve it.



Hmmm...maybe I should sculpt?



-Linz
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#447 Old 01-02-2005, 12:12 AM
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Oh - AofD...I can't understand NEEDLESS liquid calories. Like regular pepsi. But when watered down yogurt fills me up, I'll eat that. I'm drink salsa...spaghetti sauce, or eat mustard out of a jar. But juice? Ugh. No. I haven't had honest to goodness non-Crystal Light juice in about 5 years.



I'm not just fearful of calories...the food has to 'dissolve' so I can't feel it.



That's what I mean.
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#448 Old 01-02-2005, 02:38 AM
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wow...that wa sgreat advice, Charity...thanks heaps. Today mum wanted me to buy a protien shake of some kind...I couldnt, but we bought some Soy milk, and I now have to start drinking some of that. I know it seems small, but that's actually, to me, a scary, big step. At the moment I'm on a bit of a high (ie a good mood) and feeling proud, because I took the initiative and said 'let's buy soy milk-I'll start having that' instead of just my juice.



So...tonight, me startie on milk again. Starting slow, of course...but I have this kinda mini plan in my head on how I'm going about this, and my psych knows about it, and I have to stick to it. So by the end of next week, I'm supposed to be starting yoghurt-or at least smoothies (which has solid fruit mashed up in it...eep!). I'm not thinking baout that just yet...am concentrating on the milk. We also bought juice box size strawberry flavoured soy milk....willt ry that in a few days. *deep breaths*



I'm the same, Charity, as you were-I like the juice boxes type thing-the size is all there for me. I can't do that myself-If I have that low fat ther drink thing I'm on at the moment, it's my mum who gets it for me. I'm on school hols at the moment, and when I'm outta bed in the morning, before mums left for work she's set out the juice I'm supposed to drink that day...its pathetic, I know. lol



I'm working on it though



Thanks again for those easy snack food ideas, Charity.



*hugz* to all

~Gabs

PS positive: The Incredibles was a really cool movie....very fun.
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#449 Old 01-02-2005, 02:44 AM
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~AoD-Im the same with smelling food. Like at the movies this arvo, I LOVED the smell of the popcorn-wouldn't eat it, loved the smell though. I like sitting and smelling something cook or watch food (in a bakery window for example) and I'm obsessed with looking at nutritional info on food I'm never gonna touch...I also am obsessed with collecting recipes. It's been almost a month since I ate a single thing, yet I can't help these little obsessions...it's kinda amusing, really.



*hugz*

~Gabs
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#450 Old 01-02-2005, 01:14 PM
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Oh geez, I was just going through old pictures with my my mom and I came across some that I hadn't seen before from about a year and a half ago. That was when I was really sick. But the good thing is that I realize that I don't want to be that thin again.
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