Why do skinny people do this?! (Say they're fat in front of 'larger' people.) - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 03-27-2010, 11:02 AM
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This is the most ANNOYING thing ever.....



I have a couple co-workers who I genuinely like, and don't mind working with. But there is a bit of an issue that makes me SO irked....



They are both really, really, slim. They don't have an ED or anything, as I have seen them eat and they show no evidence of the sort, but they are CONSTANTLY talking about their weight lately. I'm not skinny, I've always been 'curvy' and I've been fighting the weight battle my whole life. Growing up I remember my Mom not eating for periods of time, and crying on the scale if she gained weight. This kind of sparked my own issues growing up as I was teased relentlessly and it just followed me into adulthood. I'm finally winning the battle and am losing some weight (I'm not really super big, but I'm quite far from a bikini) and I'm feeling pretty good about myself, but I'm still sensitive over it.



So the other day they're making comments about how they feel 'so fat' and how they need to cut back. Then they start looking up photos of themselves on facebook and make comments about how they were so much skinnier in such-and-such dress etc. But the comments just don't end....so I try and joke with them a bit and assure them they aren't fat, but they still don't stop....



Eventually I kind of give them a hint as to how I'm uncomfortable with my own weight and how they shouldn't be complaining because they don't have a 'weight problem.' Then the one pulls up this picture of her cousin who is really large and is like "see? she's the same size as you and she's pretty."



WTF!!!!! Her cousin would have to shop in a plus size store...and I wouldn't fit into ANYTHING at a plus size store.



So I just feigned a smile and walked away because thankfully the day ended. I actually ended up crying in my car after work because it triggered my feelings of self-hatred and it made me want to start cutting...I was so close to relapse, but thankfully my wonderful S/O had called and made me feel a bit better.



I just REALLY REALLY REALLY hate it when skinny people do this. If they want to be vain and self-critical in their own company then whatever, but to do it RIGHT in front of me when they know that I'm obviously working on losing some weight, then comparing me to someone huge? that's not ok. When I am with people who are larger than me I never gripe about my weight because I know they have their own issues and I don't feel it's proper to make them feel uncomfortable because society does a good enough job of that.



They just don't get how painful and emotionally draining being 'overweight' can be. They have no CLUE and don't even realize how comments like that are rude and rediculous.



I'm thinking next week if they bring it up again, I'm going to tell them that I really don't wish to hear about it anymore as it's a sensitive issue for me and that if they think they are fat then they should talk to their doctor. I'm just fricking done with it all....I am sick of seeing them try and find fat to pinch and asking me if I think they need to lose some.
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#2 Old 03-27-2010, 11:09 AM
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Honestly, I think they are fishing for compliments and reassurance. And maybe it's just me but I would call them on it. As in, "You're not fat. There's no need to diet." And leave it at that. If they show someone bigger than you I would have a straight face and say, "Actually, she's bigger than me." Don't make it a joke. Just keep a straight face. But, yeah, I'm quite slim myself but I can't stand hearing girls say this.
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#3 Old 03-27-2010, 11:15 AM
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Honestly, I think they are fishing for compliments and reassurance. And maybe it's just me but I would call them on it. As in, "You're not fat. There's no need to diet." And leave it at that. If they show someone bigger than you I would have a straight face and say, "Actually, she's bigger than me." Don't make it a joke. Just keep a straight face. But, yeah, I'm quite slim myself but I can't stand hearing girls say this.



I should of thought of that when it happened, but when I saw the picture I was just battling inside my own head so that I could stay positive. I think you're right though - I shouldn't provide too much reassurance as they may be fishing.
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#4 Old 03-27-2010, 11:56 AM
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My flatmate was always going on about how I'm fat and nobody would ever wanna be with me... Every day, constant (though I actually eat healthy and leave the house).



He's "fat" too, though he's three inches shorter and a bigger shirt size than me.



I think the whole 'fat' talk, can be projection.
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#5 Old 03-27-2010, 12:33 PM
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Your flatmate sounds like an arsehole, Puca!
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#6 Old 03-27-2010, 01:04 PM
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This bothers me as well, I complain about my weight from time to time, but I realise that compared to many people, I'm quite slender, I'd never do it in front of people who are bigger than I am.



The other day in belly dancing, a couple of the girls were in full costume (dress rehearsal for a show today) and one of them was perfectly slim, flattest belly and the other, still looked great, but she had a belly on her, she was much wider and clearly felt less comfortable baring it all. The slim girl turned to the other saying 'not too late to do 5000 emergency situps before Saturday!!'. She was trying to be friendly, maybe even to show the other girl she wasn't the only uncomfortable one, it wasn't a jab or anything, but it was such a strange thing to say...
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#7 Old 03-27-2010, 01:30 PM
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I'm thinking next week if they bring it up again, I'm going to tell them that I really don't wish to hear about it anymore as it's a sensitive issue for me and that if they think they are fat then they should talk to their doctor. I'm just fricking done with it all....I am sick of seeing them try and find fat to pinch and asking me if I think they need to lose some.



i think that'd be a very good move. it is hard to keep your cool when you're emotionally involved in the subject, but forward planning helps. i'd also remember that they really don't and can't know exactly how you feel about the whole thing- cos they're not you, and that they're 1000x more focused on their own weird insecurities and body image than anything else- like everyone is- so don't take any of it personally.



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This bothers me as well, I complain about my weight from time to time, but I realise that compared to many people, I'm quite slender, I'd never do it in front of people who are bigger than I am.



The other day in belly dancing, a couple of the girls were in full costume (dress rehearsal for a show today) and one of them was perfectly slim, flattest belly and the other, still looked great, but she had a belly on her, she was much wider and clearly felt less comfortable baring it all. The slim girl turned to the other saying 'not too late to do 5000 emergency situps before Saturday!!'. She was trying to be friendly, maybe even to show the other girl she wasn't the only uncomfortable one, it wasn't a jab or anything, but it was such a strange thing to say...



that was a stupid thing of her to say really- cos who would wanna do 5,000 situps? madness! she shoulda been envious of the voluptuous girls belly- she's the one who would get authentic awe and admiration. but yeah, that shows how things can be taken totally out of context and easily mis-interpreted by the recipient- as i well know, being queen of foot-in-mouth.
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#8 Old 03-27-2010, 01:35 PM
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I really hate when people do that. I was working out in the gym a couple days ago, and one of the more outgoing girls at my school was standing in a weird way with a bit of her stomach showing, and a guy went "gross, fattie!" in a joking way (I'd assume). All I thought was, if she's fat, then there's no hope for any of us. It's the same thing with my friends. It's gotten to the point where if they complain about how fat they are, I just agree. They get mad for a while, but what do they expect when they complain all the time about something that doesn't even warrant complaining?!?!



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#9 Old 03-27-2010, 05:48 PM
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Your flatmate sounds like an arsehole, Puca!



Totally! I'm sorry you have to live with someone like that.



All these stories are pretty awful and upsetting. I wish the "f" word was never invented and would be banned from existence. I don't think it's ever okay to comment on someone else's weight in a negative way. It's beyond rude and hurtful.



Alicia- I also agree that you should go ahead with the idea of being upfront and telling them you are sick of hearing it. Once you do I hope they stop. I'm sorry for your past experiences. Good for you for not giving into the temptation to cut again. It is very hard to struggle with those urges again when you are triggered and be proud of yourself for not going through with it I'm glad you have a s/o that is supportive and helpful
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#10 Old 03-27-2010, 07:32 PM
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I have done this before. I know it came from a place of complete self-consciousness and self-loathing. I am slightly overweight, and when I was in my teens I just really hated myself for it. So a couple of the times I complained about how ugly and fat I felt, I did it in front of my best friend who weighs nearly 200 pounds more than I do. The minute it came out of my mouth, I felt terrible about it. But I didn't want to call her fat or hint at it, so I didn't apologize for it and just quickly changed the subject. The truth was, it was all about how disgusting *I* felt. (All around thoughtless, insensitive, and self-centered.) I never was disgusted by her, she was my friend. I dunno. I don't really do this anymore, thankfully I've grown up enough to not shout out my insecurities for all the world to hear. It doesn't make it right, I just know from experience that sometimes people say insensitive things because they hate themselves and have overly distorted images of themselves. They are so focused on themselves, that they don't see the bigger picture. Now, for those people who are just trying to be cruel, they can go shove it.
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#11 Old 03-27-2010, 08:00 PM
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Yes, I've given myself hell from my appearance and then looked at someone who weighed more than me and said their body looks nice. I seem to think other people carry it well but I cannot. Still, I'd never want to say it in front of people. I hope I never do but I just have to make sure I don't slip up like that.
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#12 Old 03-27-2010, 08:41 PM
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I agree it's frustrating. I'm slim with a bit of a belly but when I'm at the beach where it seems all the other girls have crazy flat tummy's, it's hard not to self loathe.

But it does sound like they're fishing for compliments. I heard SO many skinny girls complain how fat they were when I was in high school. I've always been a healthy weight but these girls looked even skinner than me, and of course the guy they were telling it to always gave in and went noo your not fat. Ugh people are really rude.

About the comment comparing you to a plus size girl, they just sound like *****es. Next time I'd try to stay my distance if possible.

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#13 Old 03-27-2010, 08:45 PM
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Hmmm, I think that even if you are slender, once you go above the weight you feel comfortable at, you feel "fat" and it just bothers you. It's not that you are fat, it's that you are more than you want to be and it's just easy to use the word "fat" to describe it. There may be people just fishing for compliments, but some aren't and won't change the discomfort they feel just by hearing, "You look great; you don't need to lose weight!" (Though the compliment will likely be welcome.)



I know someone who is quite thin, and she doesn't like to hear about other people's diets because she is trying so hard (and unsuccessfully) to gain weight.



I remember my very thin mom not indulging in something extra (after a good meal, she never did any actual diets) because she didn't want to gain weight, and getting crap from people telling her stuff like "What do you have to worry about? You're already thin."She found that a bit offensive.



I dunno. Lots of people are sensitive about their weight, heavy, thin, or medium. Maybe the best thing is to not take it personally and remember that they are talking about themselves, not you. But yeah, I agree that it might be good to just say you don't want to talk about their weight anymore and that if it's a problem, they should bring it up with their doctor. That's a good one, actually.

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#14 Old 03-27-2010, 09:27 PM
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I dunno. Lots of people are sensitive about their weight, heavy, thin, or medium. Maybe the best thing is to not take it personally and remember that they are talking about themselves, not you. But yeah, I agree that it might be good to just say you don't want to talk about their weight anymore and that if it's a problem, they should bring it up with their doctor. That's a good one, actually.



Some thin people also look in the mirror and see fat. It may not go as far as an eating disorder, or true body dysmorphia, but they really just don't see themselves as "slim". When the media holds up a slim actress, one that might be the same size and says "oooh... she's fat, she's Kate Weighs-a-lot" or something, applying the word "fat" to themselves is not a big leap. Yeah, I'd say, don't take it personally but do feel you have the right to tell them to STFU.

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#15 Old 03-27-2010, 09:35 PM
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I doubt you'd hear this from men in your office. It's no secret that women (not all, but in general) have a hatred of fat and are very intolerant of heavy people.

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#16 Old 03-27-2010, 09:43 PM
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it's no secret that women (not all, but in general) have a hatred of fat and are very intolerant of heavy people.

wtf?

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#17 Old 03-27-2010, 09:45 PM
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some men can be really intolerant and pretty nasty about it, too!

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#18 Old 03-27-2010, 09:47 PM
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I was more going "WTF" about women (in general!) being "intolerant of larger people" but that is a good point, too.

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#19 Old 03-27-2010, 09:50 PM
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Hmmm, I think that even if you are slender, once you go above the weight you feel comfortable at, you feel "fat" and it just bothers you. It's not that you are fat, it's that you are more than you want to be and it's just easy to use the word "fat" to describe it. There may be people just fishing for compliments, but some aren't and won't change the discomfort they feel just by hearing, "You look great; you don't need to lose weight!" (Though the compliment will likely be welcome.)



I know someone who is quite thin, and she doesn't like to hear about other people's diets because she is trying so hard (and unsuccessfully) to gain weight.



I remember my very thin mom not indulging in something extra (after a good meal, she never did any actual diets) because she didn't want to gain weight, and getting crap from people telling her stuff like "What do you have to worry about? You're already thin."She found that a bit offensive.



I dunno. Lots of people are sensitive about their weight, heavy, thin, or medium. Maybe the best thing is to not take it personally and remember that they are talking about themselves, not you. But yeah, I agree that it might be good to just say you don't want to talk about their weight anymore and that if it's a problem, they should bring it up with their doctor. That's a good one, actually.



I agree with this ^^



Were you in a position to walk away from the conversation? It does sound like they really weren't thinking about anything other than their own coversation. It was totally uncalled for to dig up a picture of someone and compare you to it. That seems to have been something she was saying to try to cover up once it became obvious that what flew out of her mouth had been insulting to you. If she is a friend, I'm sure she was mortified and a plain, "I'm sorry" would have been better. Hindsight though...ya know.



The thing is, people DO have a right to talk about their weight. If someone is really working on losing and has, but still feels they need to lose more, that is their right and it can be a big part of their life right then. It seems that people who are slim and wish to talk about weight issues or working out have to do so in whispers. That's not really fair either.



Tough call, it's just one of those touchy subjects.
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#20 Old 03-27-2010, 09:55 PM
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I was more going "WTF" about women (in general!) being "intolerant of larger people" but that is a good point, too.

Likewise. I haven't noticed that women are generally intolerant of larger people.

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#21 Old 03-27-2010, 11:53 PM
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I doubt you'd hear this from men in your office. It's no secret that women (not all, but in general) have a hatred of fat and are very intolerant of heavy people.



Sorry, but I hate this stereotype.



It just removes men from any responsibility they may have for the body-image issues women are plagued by, and places it all back on women themselves.
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#22 Old 03-28-2010, 09:00 AM
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^^^^^ you are absolutely correct!! Men are visual and men are pigs. We have build this straw house and should be forced to burn in it when it catches fire. The common myth is that it's men who are the pigs and women are more interested in morals, values, non-physical attributes. Women are just as shallow. The difference is that men will admit it. Women want to hide behind a wall of innocence and claim they want good conversation when in truth if you don't look like a GQ cover model and have loads of cash you don't even get a first look.







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Likewise. I haven't noticed that women are generally intolerant of larger people.



So you're a guy with a few extra pounds?





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#23 Old 03-28-2010, 09:57 AM
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I don't think your feelings are any more valid than they probably feel theirs are. Just because you perceive that their weight is fine doesn't mean that they perceive their weight is fine, and also, you can't control what they want to talk about. Maybe they need someone to vent to, just as you do. I would just be a good listener or walk away.
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#24 Old 03-28-2010, 11:07 AM
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I'm thin and I've been known to gripe about feeling fat, but not around people fatter than me. That just seems stupid and cruel.
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#25 Old 03-28-2010, 06:19 PM
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I a Yo-Yo-er.....I have been heavy, thin, heavy, thin, and now what I call normal (well as normal as I can be...lol) but still not happy with my weight....I dont think i ever will be....I have a friend Trace....we have been friends for 25 years she is stick thin always has been and she can eat anything and not gain weight...me on the other hand I smell a cookie baking and gain....okay well we were hanging out last week and she was eating something a few pieces of candy and said I have to stop this OMG I am soooo fat...and she apologized cause she knows I hate that word....I just look at her shake my head and and smile....I know her and how she is....and say something to her that I cant say here....lol..and she laughs and is just like that always has been...she isnt heavy and never was or will be....but acts like this constantly.. till someone says no your not ..you look great and all that bull....I never say anything....I just listen and try to help....we are very close friends but soooo different....
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#26 Old 03-28-2010, 06:56 PM
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So you're a guy with a few extra pounds?

I've never been mistaken for a guy before! I feel like I pulled one off. Yeah! I have also never been mistaken for being overweight, because I'm just about as overweight as I am male. ETA: But I have had times when I was not satisfied with my weight for one reason or another, including a period when I gained myself into a different size and couldn't get back to "normal" for a good while, so I understand that feeling.



Also, I see I made a mistake in what I wrote. I don't notice that women are MORE intolerant than men. Plenty of intolerant people, men and women alike. I've seen a lot of them here on VB in quite a few threads that discuss the issue of being overweight. I've known men who would not want to hire a fat person. Not hiring a fat person for an office job seemed pretty intolerant to me. That's what popped into my mind when I saw your post regarding women being intolerant.

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#27 Old 03-29-2010, 12:45 AM
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My first response...... They are selfish and only thinking of themselves
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#28 Old 03-29-2010, 08:27 AM
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Perhaps when you are skinny, a little weight gain is more noticeable to you. I think if I gained 5kg, at my usual weight of 60-65kg, and it wasn't down to muscle I'd wonder what I did wrong. If my usual weight was more like 100kg, going up to 105 or down to 95 might not bother me much unless I was very conscious of it.



Also, I think women are less intolerant of fat... but only when it is theirs. Even so, that might just be nurture rather than nature.
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#29 Old 03-29-2010, 09:13 AM
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Some thin people also look in the mirror and see fat. It may not go as far as an eating disorder, or true body dysmorphia, but they really just don't see themselves as "slim". When the media holds up a slim actress, one that might be the same size and says "oooh... she's fat, she's Kate Weighs-a-lot" or something, applying the word "fat" to themselves is not a big leap. Yeah, I'd say, don't take it personally but do feel you have the right to tell them to STFU.



+1



Also, being thin doesn't make you immune to weight-related problems.

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#30 Old 03-29-2010, 10:21 AM
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Thanks everyone for the replies!



I guess I'm just a bit old-fashioned. To me - when I come to work, it's time to work. The odd conversations that occur I'm okay with...but when it's personal or vain stuff I prefer for it to be out of my office space. I've been in too many workplaces where issues arise form people getting too personal or sharing too much information and it's to the detriment of everyone. The same 'culprits' also bring up Christianity a lot as well, and I think I am just finding a lot of things really nauseating about it at the moment. I think I'm just going to be more assertive with them from now on, not rude, but assertive. I don't want them to dislike me, and I think they are nice people and are good workers aside from all this, but I think since this is the first office-type job they've had maybe they need a gentle nudge?
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