Let's use this thread to discuss physical relationships with significant others and how to improve upon said activities.



Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it to teach a guy what is pleasurable and what is not. I mean, should you really have to tell a guy how to kiss and touch you? If he's not good at it, maybe you're not attracted enough to him. Or maybe you don't love your body enough. Maybe the chemistry isn't there. Maybe he's boring and dull to you.



Are you in favor of giving a guy pointers or moving on to something better one day?

Oh, I guess this could also relate to woman-woman relationships, if you want.

I think the idea that "If he/she loved me enough, he/she would know how to please me" is a very harmful myth. No matter how much I love my gf, I don't know how she likes to be touched unless she lets me know. She might let me know in subtle ways, but sometimes she might have to tell me directly.

What about kissing? What if there isn't a spark initially?



Further, what if the spark went away after three weeks?

I think there's a difference between technique, and the spark.



If you have really great chemistry with someone, a really great spark, you're going to feel that even if his/her technique is not what you prefer.



On the other side of the coin, someone can be an expert kisser, but if the connection isn't there, all the technique in the world can't make up for it.



I think it's a sign of love and trust to be able to help the one you love learn what pleases you, just as you try to learn what pleases him/her. Sometimes you don't even have to discuss it. You can learn a lot just by being observant of your partner's body language. I think if you have a real connection with someone and you're really into them, you're going to notice if he/she has any "hot spots" or things that he/she really enjoys, and I think that if that person feels a real connection with you, he/she will notice the same.



But sometimes, you do have to give hints. And that's okay. A person who really loves you will want to know what pleases you.



All that being said, if you don't feel the spark, the connection, the chemistry...there's no point.



ETA: As for losing the spark, all I can think is that maybe we develop chemistry with someone based on the image of them that we fall for, and if something happens to distort or change that image, if we learn something about him/her we didn't know previously, that spark might go away.

That's what I was thinking. There is no point in forcing it.

ceryna.



Wait .... are men allowed to post in this section?

Hmmm...tough question artichoke. I think you know if you feel chemistry or not. And sometimes even if you feel chemistry with a guy, he's not going to know all the right moves for you, since the right moves aren't the same for everyone.



I always think there should be open communication in sex. I often think women just go into these things expecting a guy to know what to do. Often they don't. I think you can feel chemistry for someone and still give them tips. But I do say if you don't feel the chemistry, please move on.



Course I'm thirty-five and I simply think life's to short to spend it on someone who isn't THE one.



B

Yeah, me, too, and I'm 24. I think we will know if and when the right one comes along, B.

Whoa, this is OT, but I didn't realize we were so close in age!



I definitely think it's good to hold out for The One. While sex isn't everything, I think a healthy sex life is an important component of an overall healthy relationship. If that's not right, and it can't be fixed, then it might not be the right relationship, and that's not a negative thing, necessarily. It just means that the both of you have someone else to be with that you need to find (or have find you).

I usually date guys in their 40s. If a guy doesn't know what he's doing by then.. he'll never learn and I'm not going to waste my time teaching him.

That's not necessarily true; it doesn't have anything to do with age. In fact, older men probably are more lazy. I know of an 18-year-old who knew what he was doing, and I'm not even talking sexually, per se.

I'd have to disagree. A lot of older guys just want to make the woman happy.. and they'll do anything. They know how to put a woman on a pedestal.

That just hasn't been my experience, I suppose.

I was thinking the same thing about bethanie's age and mine (33). I always thought you were younger. Yay for the 30's



I'm not sure I agree w/the op part about if your partner's not "good at it", then maybe you're not attracted enough to them. I think this could get a lot of women into trouble. As mentioned, our partners (particularly men) can't be expected to know what feels good/best for us unless we tell them. If we're not telling them, we can easily end up with some non-exciting fumblings. One of my friends and I joke about this being one of the differences between highschool and college boyfriends. In HS, physical activities were fun, but when we became more assertive in college, they were *ahem* more fun.



Even the "chemistry" isn't always something that happens immediately (although that's great too. One of my exes is a guy I worked with for over a year and never thought of him even once in a sexual way. We started spending some more time together near the end of the semester in college and something clicked. When we were together at the (computer) lab, I just wanted to whisk him away into the back room and have my way with him.

I think some initial chemistry should be there. But as far as showing a man certain things, I think that just has to happen sometimes. And also a lot of men think it's very sexy when a woman uses her hand to guide his hand.

This isn't about what men think is sexy. That's irrelevant.

I agree that teaching him what you like won't work if there isn't chemistry there to begin with. But of course it doesn't make things better if he's a crappy kisser to begin with. I can't believe how much time I wasted with my ex, hoping he would catch on to my obvious hints about how to do a better job and whatnot (he was too proud for me to be upfront with him). I think his poor technique deteriorated the chemistry we initially had, though, does anyone know what I mean?

I guess it is irrelevant. But as an example, just because a man doesn't know how to properly touch you using his hands, doesn't mean that he doesn't know what he's doing. It may mean that a previous lover enjoyed that. So by showing him how to please you (if he pays attention) you're doing both of you a favor.



Also part of men not knowing what they are doing can be blamed on women in general. A man tries to please you and it is so off the mark it isn't funny. Do women in general show him how to fix it? Nope. And worse sometimes they pretend or fake. And then the man thinks he's rocking your world. And when he gets to the next woman he *thinks* he knows what he's doing.



That said, I think it is to everyone woman's benefit to be able to show or tell what she needs or whats physically. And if the man can't handle that, he doesn't deserve you.

That's true about women in general being displeased and not saying anything about it.



Time to speak up, troops - er, that is, if the chemistry is there. We have spoken.

Well, to be quite honest....the exact thing that has gotten me into trouble in the past is 'chemistry' which in fact was not chemistry at all, but just an attraction to DANGER. So now whenever I feel the hair on the back on my neck stand on end when looking at a guy, I know that's a BAD sign and not actually chemistry.



So I have to say when I get into that next 'physical' relationship I'm going to have to rethink the whole thing.



Which btw, is no small task.



Yup Iamjen. Sometimes even I have a hard time believing I'm 35.



B

Maybe danger is what turns you on, though?

Right on!

I guess I get annoyed right off the bat. Like, for instance, if you're kissing a guy and not feeling passion or a connection, it's already put a damper on the physical relationship to start with. Then if you give him "directions" or advice, he might get defensive. Then you wonder why in the world this guy can't kiss worth crap and end up feeling dissatisfied.



By the way, I am really talking about kissing, just so there's no confusion. I'm not trying to make this PG-13 or anything.

Well clearly. The only problem with that is while dangerous men are in general great in bed, they pretty much suck at everything else.



It's the same as the old addage about crazy women. Crazy women are FANTASTIC lovers.

I agree. Plus, you know, if he doesn't pass the kiss test, what's the point?

I have yet to figure that out.



I dated a guy a few years ago who kissed well on our first few dates, and then he started sucking my bottom lip while we kissed...so much that it hurt me and my lip was always sore.

Well dang, I know a little sucking can be a turn on. But it takes a LOT of sucking to give a lip hickey. YUCK.

ooo.. what about the people who go in too fast and either a) knock their teeth against yours, or b) stick their tongue way too far into your mouth [and without first swallowing good!!]

both bad kisses



I've been with really inexperienced people who were bad kissers at first but very quickly caught on and ended up being amazing to be with. You never know.

I guess technique can definitely be fixed or at least improved, but if the guy barely seems alive and only wants to kiss to lead to other things, I think I will be through with him in the future. I like to kiss for hours, not just kiss to get turned on and eventually have sex.