Treading on territories with our daughter - VeggieBoards
Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 Old 04-15-2006, 06:00 PM
Veggie Regular
 
butterfly_acid's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 289
I am very very very curious....



I'm moving up to NC to have joint custody (every other two weeks, I'll have my daughter)



My ex, who happens to be the father of my daughter, is probably a well meaning person. Good person, and whatnot. He's an omnivore, which is fine.



I recognize that he finds it easy to take my daughter to fast food. Her "favorite" is Chik-fil-a. which, ya know...I told him...i won't be taking her there, cuz I don't eat meat. (he took me and Vivian once to a chik-fil-a, and I got a salad and the raspberry vingiarette, not that I can spell).



So...to offer to make her a cinnabon (homemade, vegan of course..lol) for breakfast every once in a while, or makeup dinner and invite them both over...ya know, a nice vegan meal so that she isn't forced to rely upon chik-fil-a [email protected] on those days.



I am curious to know if we are civilized, which we are, is that considered treading on territory? I could even make marinara sauce with TVP and he wouldn't know probably (dunno if that's vegan, but is much closer, and he wouldn't question the lack of "meat")...

Can it be seen as insulting? I want my daughter to not run into health/weight/heart/etc problems down the road, particularly the probs associated with fast food. Even if they are eating meat at home (not my home..lol), it's gotta be healthier than the fast food nonsense.



I'd like her to have not ever known what fast food was, and a year or so ago, she didn't! This whole nonsense of fast food, yes, it's faster, but I wish I could offer an alternative to that lifestyle.



He told his home study person that he was trying to lose weight himself, but how is he doing that if they go to a fast food joint when time is of the essence.



blahhhhhhh and arrrrrrhggghhhhh



I don't want to insult anyone here, and it's not omnivore lifestyle, but the fast food lifestyle that I severely never wanted my daughter a part of, ever/at all (even since waaaayyyyyy before I was vegan..ie-before she was born, even).



Or, can I just tell him flat out I don't want her eating at fast food places, and if they need food and he doesn't want to cook, they are more than welcome to come by my place for dinner..?



Thank you, everyone who's so much more knowledgable than me at the touchy subjects such as these...LOL I adore you all ^_^
butterfly_acid is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#2 Old 04-15-2006, 06:09 PM
Veggie Regular
 
rawgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,064
I definitely agree with you that I wouldn't want my kid eating fast food. I think it would be a good idea for you to have a talk with him and lovingly explain your reasons for not wanting your daughter to eat that kind of food. Maybe even get a copy of the DVD Eating and you could all watch it together.
rawgirl is offline  
#3 Old 04-20-2006, 12:36 AM
Veggie Regular
 
frenchie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 1,478
Well..if you are sharing joint custody, and if he isn't telling you how to feed her when she's with you, you shouldn't be telling him how to feed her when he's with her. When she's with you, feed her delicious vegan meals, and encourage her to make healthy food choices...even if she's eating out at a fast food restaurant. If she was eating fast food daily, I'd take issue with that, and express your concern...but otherwise, let it go.
frenchie is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#4 Old 04-20-2006, 12:43 AM
Newbie
 
GhostUser's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 0
maybe as an alternative to having him over, you could offer to make some dinners that he could freeze? also make the yummmiest veggie/healthy food when you have your daughter and mayb she'll start asking dad for them? (there's a great recipe for tofu nuggets on this board that i tried yesterday and my son LOVED them)...???...goodluck!
GhostUser is offline  
#5 Old 04-20-2006, 12:46 AM
Veggie Regular
 
Tofu-N-Sprouts's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 11,049
Yep - like frenchie said, there's little you can do.



Even if he chooses to feed her fast-food 24/7 on the days she's with him, it's his choice. I don't have any advice on the "inviting him over for dinner" thing - that's something you'd have to figure out for yourself and your situation...



My kids were with just with their Dad for ten days (usually it's just weekends) and I was quite disturbed to discover they ate take-out, pizza and BBQ almost EVERY meal (thank God they attend a school with vegetarian hot lunches!!).



Do what you can when your daughter is with you - hopefully she'll eventually come to see how much better she FEELS when making healthy choices and maybe she'll even influence her Dad a bit on the choices HE makes...
Tofu-N-Sprouts is offline  
#6 Old 04-20-2006, 12:49 AM
Veggie Regular
 
zoebird's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2001
Posts: 8,451
i think offering to make food that's easy prep for him and her is a great option to fast food. instead of offering it as an 'alternative to fast food' you can offer it as a 'method to make his life a little easier.'



otherwise, what frenchie said.
zoebird is offline  
#7 Old 04-21-2006, 02:26 PM
Veggie Regular
 
rincaro's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 5,305
Well I think you have your answer there. Unfortunately you don't have any say over what he feeds her in your absence, and he of course can't force you to feed her meat.



But I'm glad you are getting joint custody. I'm on and off the boards so much, I had missed how that all turned out.
rincaro is offline  
#8 Old 04-21-2006, 06:06 PM
Veggie Regular
 
truepeacenik's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 393
Quote:
Originally Posted by frenchie View Post

Well..if you are sharing joint custody, and if he isn't telling you how to feed her when she's with you, you shouldn't be telling him how to feed her when he's with her. When she's with you, feed her delicious vegan meals, and encourage her to make healthy food choices...even if she's eating out at a fast food restaurant. If she was eating fast food daily, I'd take issue with that, and express your concern...but otherwise, let it go.





read this^^^ several times, it's grand advice.

My son has two homes and two diet styles. they live. Just make Better tasting stuff and that's what they'll want.

Telling your ex to feed your daughter a provided meal is very much treading on his toes. His house, his rules within reason (to a judge).



So many mammas get into a control war over this. Where will you be when she's 14 and has pocket cash and wanders into a (g-d forbid) Wendy's?

Teach her good choices and let her fly.
truepeacenik is offline  
#9 Old 04-25-2006, 06:26 AM
Veggie Regular
 
butterfly_acid's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 289
i don't want a control war, but my daughter's health matters to me. I don't care what he eats. He could eat fast food at every meal, I do not give a flyin poo. I care about what my daughter eats, and afterall, she is my daughter, I don't want her dying of a heart attack/stroke/whatever at 40, nor be forced to afford hypoglycemia meds for the remainder of her childhood due to his mistakes.



the list does go on. It's not to control him, it's to have positive control over my daughter's well being. again, I don't care if he eats out all the time, what matters is what's going into my daughter's mouth.
butterfly_acid is offline  
#10 Old 04-25-2006, 01:29 PM
Veggie Regular
 
frenchie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 1,478
Quote:
Originally Posted by butterfly_acid View Post

i don't want a control war, but my daughter's health matters to me. I don't care what he eats. He could eat fast food at every meal, I do not give a flyin poo. I care about what my daughter eats, and afterall, she is my daughter, I don't want her dying of a heart attack/stroke/whatever at 40, nor be forced to afford hypoglycemia meds for the remainder of her childhood due to his mistakes.



the list does go on. It's not to control him, it's to have positive control over my daughter's well being. again, I don't care if he eats out all the time, what matters is what's going into my daughter's mouth.



...but he is her father...just as much as you are her mother. He is the other half of the equasion. Eating fast food a few times a week...or even once a day is not going to send her into a fit of hypoglycemia....infact, I never had hypoglycemia until I became a vegetarian. I've since balanced out my diet and rarely have issues with it.

Regardless of what your motivastion is, this is still an issue of control...and you want control even when she's not with you. It's just NOT going to happen, unless he decides to bow to your wishes. It's more important to keep peace...unless the man is physically/mentally abusing your child, or putting her in great danger. The fact is, people live loooong healthy lives as meat eaters. Like I said before, you can feed her all the healthy food you want while she's in your care. Educate her on healthy food choices, and hope that she listens.
frenchie is offline  
#11 Old 04-25-2006, 02:27 PM
Veggie Regular
 
SystmDwnGrl2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 2,296
I can relate to how you are feeling. My kids go to stay at their dad's during the summer. His family does not eat healthy, at all. I have it a little differently though, my kids will refuse to eat some things and they have allergy problems(one of my kids simply cannot have most processed food). I did talk to him about their diet while they visit him. My kids are simply not used to that type of food. So, I don't think talking about it should be completely out of the question. But, that depends on the relationship that you have with her father. Of course, this is my situation, we compromise on lots of things on a regular basis. I end up sending money cards for my kids to choose healthy foods/groceries with, I also send vegan care packages with some of their favorite things in. He has no problem with this. He has actually said that he appreciates it.
SystmDwnGrl2 is offline  
#12 Old 05-06-2006, 02:11 AM
Veggie Regular
 
butterfly_acid's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 289
those are some very good ideas/thoughts systm, thx ^_^
butterfly_acid is offline  
#13 Old 05-06-2006, 08:52 PM
Veggie Regular
 
elibrown's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 573
Have you tried talking respectfully to him about it?



Also instruct your daughter on how to make the healthiest possible choices in a fast food establishment. Yeah I know, you can't live on the stuff, but in occasional situations you can do alright at a fast food place. McDonald's just came out with a salad that has edamame, for example, and you can order a side dish of edamame and the fruit and walnut salad. It's not a well-rounded hearty vegan meal, but it's a hell of a lot better than a cheeseburger and fries.



Are you familar with www.veganlunchbox.com? Probably everyone on this board knows about it and I'm just behind. But anyway, in case you don't know, it's a blog where a vegan activist mom posts a picture and description of these amazing vegan lunches she sends to school with her son every day. That's not the point, the point is that her husband is omni, and the cheese/meat/potatoes/white bread kind of omni at that. Her son was raised omni and at age 4 made the decision all by himself to go vegan. Now he's 7 or 8, and makes healthy choices on his own even though he is constantly exposed to his father's bad eating habits.



Hopefully that inspires you somewhat.
elibrown is offline  
#14 Old 05-10-2006, 04:59 PM
Veggie Regular
 
Seusomon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Posts: 927
As someone who divorced a few years back and shares custody of a child, I strongly believe the best advice is simply to let go of what happens when the child is with your ex. Unless it is part of your parenting plan or divorce settlement, it's out of your hands. In the long run, respecting each other's autonomy will make for best relationship between the two of you, and minimize the stress on the child.



Just focus on making your own time with the child as good as you can.



Blessings, Tom
Seusomon is offline  
#15 Old 05-16-2006, 03:20 PM
Veggie Regular
 
delicious's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 2,882
I think that I would politely ask, but then respect his answer, whatever it is.
delicious is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the VeggieBoards forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in


Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off