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How do veg*ns feel about physical discipline on kids?

4K views 53 replies 34 participants last post by  khadijah 
#1 ·
Just had this thought the other day, and I figured it would make for an interesting conversation.. I was wondering about different veg*n parents viewpoints on disciplining children physically. This might be targeted more for veg*ns who have strong ethical and animal rights feelings, but anyone can join in. So, how do parents feel about hitting/ spanking/ light physical discipline (not beating) on their children, if they do not support any kinds of violence on animals.. Where is the line drawn?

I don't want this to be a crazy chaotic war or debate on how to raise your kids, just honest perspectives.
 
#27 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by mollycakes View Post

Sometimes I have to check myself, and evaluate my anger, then I am able to cool down.

If more parents did this, I bet they wouldn't be hitting their kids.
I agree with this statement a lot. I think some parents run into the issue of feeling angry and simply not knowing how to deal with it - even when that anger/stress/sadness is not related to your kid.
 
#30 ·
No spanking, hitting whatsoever. I raised a son (he's 27 now), who could be a holy terror at times, but never spanked. Cranky kid equals kid who needs a nap or is hungry. My son always needed a lot of outdoor play time. He was very active. He actually reminded me of a puppy. Lots of fresh air and physical activity was needed. Feed kids a healthy diet and limit television and computer time.
 
#31 ·
I don't see why I would constantly tell my 3 year old to be "gentle" with his baby brother or the dog, only to turn around and hit him!

When his brother (4 months) cries, he strokes his head and says "it's okay, it's okay"....
blush.gif


My parents did, out of anger, not out of "discipline" (I think not all spanking is out of anger but out of misguided belief that it is 'discipline'), and I swore I would never do it to them.

I had terrible postnatal depression with my first and that (in a way) helped me learn how to just walk away when angry. Dr. Sears has a very simple phrase that I follow: "connect, with respect".

I did smack his hand once out of panic but he had grabbed a kitchen knife. It wasn't really discipline but a short-sighted attempt to get it out of his hands (which didn't even work, ugh, not proud of that!!!)
 
#32 ·
I am afraid I am guilty of having smacked my eldest on the hand, when she wouldn't leave our old German Shepherd alone. I had tried every which way in the book to get her to stop and it was a last resort. I was raised with a violent mother, and it didnt sit comfortably with me AT ALL, but I was at the end of my rope, out of ideas and afraid that if she continued, then the dog would do much worse.
Anyway, it all became screamingly apparent that my initial instinct was right when one day she started slapping me in temper. I had no right to tell her off about it, because I had done the same to her.
Since then I haven't smacked her, instead I just pick her up and take her out of the situation, or if it is safe to, when she has a meltdown, I leave her to it, and don't pay the behaviour any attention.
It seems to be working because now I have a very polite, loving, confident,bright little three year old who (thankfully) hasn't any behavioural issues whatsoever. I always get complimented on how lovely she is. I truly believe that if I had continued to smack as a form of punishment, she would still be in the tantrum phase now as so many of her peers are.

So I say unequivocally, that there are so many other ways to teach children about unacceptable behaviour.
 
#33 ·
I was spanked as a child. My parents were spanked as children. So when I had my son, I thought that was the way it is. I have never spanked my son, but I have smaked his hands, or butt a time or two. But I learned that this is not effective! And it made me feel terrible! He started smacking me back, smaking other kids, smacking the cat, etc. I knew right then and there that smacking him is wrong and now I don't ever do it any more. I found it much more effective to give him time-outs, or keep him from watching his favorite show on TV, or take a toy away. For instance, I tell him to pick up his toys, I get "no" and so I pick up one of his toys, and carry it over to the garbage can and ask him "do you want me to throw them away?" He starts throwing a fit "no, no no no!" and crying. I say, if you don't want me to throw them away, you had better put them away. You wouldn't believe how fast he puts them away. On the occasion he still refuses, I do throw it in the garbage, then later when he is in bed, I pull it out, and put it downstairs in a closit for a couple of months. Toys are too expensive to just throw away! But this seems to work well.

For bath time, I use the favorite show tactic. "Do you want to watch Wild Kratts?"

"Yeah!"

"well them you better take a bath, then we can watch your show..." If he still refuses, I put him to bed early without show.

I think you just have to do what works best with your own kid. Kids require a LOT of patience though. It can be really tough.
 
#34 ·
I have spanked my children, not often, but once was already too much.

Fear was what stopped me. I was raised with violence, fearing my father. I realised how terrible my actions really were when I saw fear in my son's eyes. It hurt, and I was all to blame.

Now, when I feel that rage coming, I just lock myself in my room, until I'm calm.

I may not hit my children anymore, but I can understand how a parent can be driven to doing it.
 
#35 ·
I'm opposed to it. There's strong evidence linking it to aggression, anxiety and other mental health issues and I think it sends the wrong message to children (using violence as a means of reasoning with people). I can understand why some good parents might reluctantly think it was necessary (the people who don't hit their children out of anger) but in practice, I think there are better ways.

If I had children, I wouldn't even raise my voice to them. I would try my absolute hardest to be patient, gentle and loving at all times. Not that I think I would make a good father.
 
#36 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by Anonymous2 View Post

If I had children, I wouldn't even raise my voice to them. I would try my absolute hardest to be patient, gentle and loving at all times.
That's what everyone says when they don't have children. The first thing you know, you lost your temper, you yelled, and you feel darn guilty.
 
#39 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by RedPill View Post

I punished my son with flipper on the bottom.
Beating your son's backside with a dolphin seems a bit extreme
:naughty:


I wasn't vegan when I smacked my boys so I'm absolved of guilt ........................ joking, obviously!

Yes I've smacked both of my boys when they were younger; both occasions were the result of losing my temper. I'm not proud of that.

Those who say walk away from the situation and calm down don't get how difficult that can be if you are a single parent.
 
#40 ·
I had a moment of weakness one time; my daughter was almost 2, and she was mad at me for putting her in a time out, and spit in my face from about 6 inches. I immediately popped her in the mouth, regretted it, and sat her on her bed and gave myself a time out in front of her. I then apologized, we both cried, and nothing has ever happened since.

I understand the things that can lead to it but I will never agree with or accept it as something that is okay to do.
 
#42 ·
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/moral-landscapes/201309/research-spanking-it-s-bad-all-kids
" ome studies have been done. In one set of analyses with young children in the laboratory, time outs worked just as well as spanking for (immediate) subsequent compliance on 30 tasks assigned by the mother. Long-term compliance is decreased after spanking (Gershoff, 2002; Gershoff & Grogan-Kaylor, 2013).

In terms of whether parental aggression (spanking) decreases aggression in the child, the answer is no. In fact, spanking tends to increase child aggression. "Spanking predicted increases in children's aggression over and above initial levels [of aggressive behavior]" and "in none of these longitudinal studies did spanking predict reductions in children's aggression over time" (p. 134). Instead, spanking predicted increases in children's aggression. "
 
#43 ·
Growing up in Singapore, I've been caned before, and caning is the norm here. Not just in the family, but also in schools (we typically resort to caning before suspension or expulsion) and prison.

I won't say that caning is as harmful to a child's development as people who aren't used to a culture of caning may make it out to be, but I do think that caning definitely teaches you not to do things for the wrong reasons - because you fear punishment, and not because you understand that what you're doing is wrong. It's not just that. Whenever my parents resorted to caning, it was never a calm, deliberated action. It was always when they were furious, and more than the physical pain of being caned, it is the sheer amount of negative energy in the atmosphere that I cannot forget. I did think that, more than just punishment, they were venting their anger on me. Eventually, however, after being caned one day I took their cane and broke it in half, and that was probably when they decided that I was too old for it to work any more.

I've also witnessed caning in school, which is much more dispassionate. The reason why you would be caned, typically, is when bullying or physical harm is involved. Also, caning is only ever done on boys, never girls. Girls go straight to suspension. Caning is done in the hall, in front of the entire student body, with the principal giving a speech on how seriously the school takes discipline beforehand. Yes, it's not just physical discipline, but also public shaming. In this instance it does feel a lot like the school is relying on fear, rather than reason, to guide us. That said, I don't think that bullying is as bad in Singapore as it is in the US (based on what I understand of bullying in the US through popular media, plus the fact that bullying-related suicides are basically non-existent in Singapore), and caning is partially to thank for this. A bully, once caned, rarely resorts to bullying again. Also, caning is an extremely effective deterrent. In that sense, where a victim is concerned, it might be justifiable to use to caning as an immediate solution to stop the victimisation. I'm more sympathetic of caning in school than caning at home. In fact, the guy who was caned told me that he understood that he 'deserved' it.

Going vegan hasn't changed my views of caning at all.
 
#44 ·
Wow, I had never heard of caning until that American guy got sentenced in (I believe) China to being caned years ago and the media went ballistic. For adults being caned, I don't have much of an opinion.

And re: the topic, my husband and I weren't veg*n when our kids were young, and we never hit them.
 
#45 ·
We used to have the cane in British schools but it was phased out - in our case it was replaced by "the slipper". Sounds fairly innocuous but it was actually a rather hard, leather soled shoe. For whatever reason, it was only the boys who got the slipper - girls escaped corporal punishment and got after-school detention instead. I'd have given my right arm for a few whacks with the slipper in preference to an hour of my social time being wasted!

The school stopped using it for boys too after loads of us girls demanded equality and the right to have our arrrses beaten instead of getting detention.
 
#46 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by LedBoots View Post

Wow, I had never heard of caning until that American guy got sentenced in (I believe) China to being caned years ago and the media went ballistic. For adults being caned, I don't have much of an opinion.

And re: the topic, my husband and I weren't veg*n when our kids were young, and we never hit them.
Michael Fay? That was Singapore, not China =P
 
#47 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yingchen View Post

Quote:
Originally Posted by LedBoots View Post

Wow, I had never heard of caning until that American guy got sentenced in (I believe) China to being caned years ago and the media went ballistic. For adults being caned, I don't have much of an opinion.

And re: the topic, my husband and I weren't veg*n when our kids were young, and we never hit them.
Michael Fay? That was Singapore, not China =P
I'm sorry Yingchen, how rude of me, I should have looked it up. The incident was a vague memory, I didn't pay much attention at the time. It was one of those stories that the media here latches onto for no discernable reason.

I'm embarrassed, that's so stereotypically American.
 
#48 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by LedBoots View Post

I'm sorry Yingchen, how rude of me, I should have looked it up. The incident was a vague memory, I didn't pay much attention at the time. It was one of those stories that the media here latches onto for no discernable reason.

I'm embarrassed, that's so stereotypically American.
No worries. Just goes to show that even though it was huge at the time, it wasn't really significant enough to leave a lasting impact. For a while, we joked that the Michael Fay incident was what finally put us on the world map, lol.
 
#49 ·
Let me preface by saying I am answering OP questions as to HOW I FEEL about physical discipline on kids. These are MY FEELINGS and not judgement of any specific PPs who hit as a part of child discipline.

I have never hit any of my children. To me hitting is hitting. You can call it spanking, smacking, or whatever else, but it IS hitting.

In our family, we teach that it is never acceptable to hurt another unless your safety were in jeopardy (meaning, we acknowledge there are times one could conceivably have to physically defend oneself).

Many people from older generations are educated on the matter more and will admit if they had it to do all over again, they would not hit their children. Honestly in this day and age, anyone who continues to think hitting children is the optimal way to change behaviors and raise kind beings is deluded and/or lazy.
 
#50 ·
i was humiliated and physically assaulted 3 times a year untilll i was 13 the age where i faught back.

the worst was being canned in front of the class in the most humiliating way i was 12. i was never told why?

physical assault humiliation of children is never acceptable
 
#51 ·
I'm not a parent but this thread breaks my heart. Not because of what you all have said, but because of how many people just don't get it! It blows my mind to see so many people easily understanding what I've so desperately tried to explain to others without success.

I was raised by parents whose entire method revolved around spanking, intimidating physically (getting in your face, backing you into a corner), and/or yelling. They've always used the argument "when we were kids our parents made us choose our own switches, so a spanking is nothing" and "the reason kids are so bad now is because you CAN'T hit them without it being 'child abuse'". There's also one particular story about how my step-dad's mom bit him once and it 'made him a better person'... No, it taught you pain and fear-based cooperation.

I also have an issue explaining to friends of mine around the childbearing age (late teens, early-mid 20s) why they shouldn't spank their kids. You would think that people who've been spanked would know why it's no good, but a surprising amount of people just don't. Let's not even get into how the place you spank a child is their butt. If someone touched a child's butt for ANY other reason people would have meltdowns - and rightfully so.

I don't agree with everything Dr. Phil says/does, but he once said that you should never do or say anything to your child that you would not tolerate someone else doing or saying to them. Really simple but underrated advice.
 
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