I thought I might as well start a journal here. I am not a huge fitness buff/athlete, but I enjoy working out in a number of ways. Dancing is a huge passion of mine, though I have not taken any classes for a very long time (over 24 years), except stuff like Zumba or yoga from time to time. I was a dance major at Ohio State University years ago, and a student at Columbus City Ballet in 1986-1989. I also attended and danced at a performing arts high school. I want to make it a goal to get back to taking some ballet and modern dance classes when I have more time and can afford it.

For now I am sharing my first series of improvisational dance videoes. Late Saturday night/Sunday morning I was up at 2:15am and went to the fitness center at 3:15am so I could get a studio to myself to record this. There were still people there, but thankfully they respected my wishes.

These videos are completely spontaneous, no planned moves or choreography. So there is probably a lot of repetition and awkwardness lol. And I kept looking at myself in the mirror. I should have faced the camera the other way. I shot videos off and on for over an hour, some videos with ballet shoes, some barefoot, and at different speeds. There is no sound because I wore my mp3 player for my music, and did not have access to a boombox. So use your imagination lol. One of these days I am going to put the other videos together and add some background sound to make it more artistic.

I also have a terrible bloat/cramps going on in this video because I ate hummus the day before which seems to make me bloat. Please be kind with any body remarks. I am taking a huge risk in sharing this. I am still very self conscious about my body, having put on some weight over the last few years and trying to be healthier. I hope you enjoy this in all it's rawness.


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Thank you for sharing this, I know it cant be easy to put yourself out there like this! its odd to say but I've always been a little jealous of people with such natural/ organic fluid movements that they can do things like this.


I cant help but liken myself to something more along the lines of ...

Respect! I have nothing but awe for people who can be so coordinated and graceful when in movement.

I look like an epileptic giraffe when I do zumba and my 'dancing' isn't what people call rhythmical, fluid or graceful.

Love the ballet leg positions! Great job NB!

Did you have music on, I couldn't hear?

Wow! You are so strong and so graceful - your dancing is lovely!

Ha ha, thanks for the laugh! I feel even better about my dancing now after seeing that guy.

I was wearing my mp3 player so I had music that only I could hear. Unfortunately I didn't have access to a boombox for the videos. :/

I went to a club one time where everyone got headphones with the same music on and were all dancing. It was surreal to take of the headphones and watch.

Love your dancing, I love to watch dance, and to dance.

Thanks LedBoots! I am glad you enjoyed it. I have tons more footage from the same night, some faster paced, some with ballet shoes on (I have a pair of Cynthia King's vegan ballet slippers and they work wonderfully!). I just can't find a large block of time to get them uploaded and edited a bit (for shorter length etc). Soon though.

I can imagine how surreal that would have been to take off the headphones and watch people dancing. I really wish I had a private studio to practice in where I had control over the room and music and so on. At one point during one of my videos, two guys walked in and around to the back of the room to get something and then left. I didn't even know they were there until I watched the video lol. I don't want to hog up the room since it is for everyone. But I love to move and practice in there. Unfortunately that floor is very hard and no give in it and I really paid for it today. You should see the bruises and welts on my knees and tops of arches from when I was kneeling and so on. If I keep practicing and doing this, I will HAVE to find a better place to do it. In the summer I can do it outside, but winters are a challenge. any ideas are welcome!

So because this is my journal lol, I have some goals I want to work towards and learned quite a bit watching myself dance in my videoes. There is so much I need to work on! Rhythm and tempo, not looking at the mirror and learning to let go of self consciousness, focusing on themes like playfulness, or heaviness etc. I think that would open my imagination and movement ideas. connecting movements could be worked on. And always technique.

But of course I want this to be fun too! And the best thing is there is no competition, no deadlines, no one to impress. This is art for the sake of art, and a form of fitness I love and look forward to! I can't wait to take this outside in the summer and away from that awful mirror lol.

Very cool, Naturebound.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Here are the rest of my dance videos from the same night, all compressed into one video. it is still a little long, about 12 or 13 minutes. I added music to make it more interesting. Hope you enjoy! I am going on vacation for a few days up north of here and will be doing some snowshoeing as well as enjoying some indoor swimming and whirlpool. Looking forward to a weekend of rest!

EDA: I can totally understand if you don't want to watch the whole video, but I recommend watcing the last two minutes or so. I think the dancing there goes very well with the music in that section, and I like my dancing and expression best there.

dang copywritten music

Dang it I should have known! I downloaded free music from the Movie Maker program I used, but apparently this isn't legit? Ugh.

I tried to change the music but it blocks the rest of my music. :/ I keep playing around with it but I may just have to revert to the original and wait til I get back from my trip to fix it. Sorry to those who can't view it.

Ok, lets try this again! I changed the music and redid the video so hopefully this one will not be blocked. My next video is going to be much shorter and much different! This has sure been a learning experience!

I'm still practicing with my dancing. Here is the thing. The floor in that fitness center is VERY hard, no give, not made for dancing or jumping really. I can't seem to find anywhere else to practice right now. and my knees are getting bruised and beat up. For now I came up with something to work on until I figure it out. I have been wanting to do a piece on the exploitation of an animals body, and how so many animals live their lives imprisoned. So I have been experimenting with dancing on my mat in place, not traveling across the room. It has been challenging but has helped me find new ways to move and express myself within the confines of the mat where it is both safe and hindering for one's freedom, exactly what I am trying to portray. I am a writer also so I want to incorporate my writing into this as well. I work on this a little at a time each day, really not sure of the whole project at this point but ideas come and little by little I practice and work on it as time allows.

I still do my weight lifting, calisthenics, and cardio each day too (the weight lifting three to four days per week, the rest daily). Some days I dance for half an hour or longer instead of my usual 45 minutes of cardio. I love dancing and look forward to it each day, but strangely it is making me more tired the rest of the day than my other activities. Literally exhausted some days. It takes a lot out of me in terms of energy but also emotionally because it has been a tool for getting out my frustrations, my sadness, my fears and dreams and so on. It's kind of like after a good cry, you are just dragging the rest of the day.

I've been battling some depression and lack of motivation, and just complete exhaustion. It has me very worried. I LOVE moving, dancing, exercising, cooking, writing, walking outside...but lately it's been hard to do any of these things. I have had to slow down as I am just so tired, and sometimes I just want to stay in bed. Even work is hard to get through each day. The brain fog, memory loss, fatigue, and now stomach upset and gastritis is really getting to me. I'm worried about my B levels since I only supplement two days per week. Lately I am supplementing it daily due to worries, especially with the gastritis. The gastritis is something I have not experienced in years. I cut coffee down to one cup per day this last week. Trying to avoid more acidic foods for now. I get leg cramps at night and it is hard to sleep.

On the plus side, today I finally mastered balancing my legs on my elbows (it's a yoga pose but I don't know the name). I knew I had the core strength to do it, I just didn't know how. Last week I read a book at the bookstore on yoga balances and saw that one in there. The instructor advised to imagine tucking your feet in close to your body, and for some reason that worked for me. It was the end of my workout and dancing this morning, and I was talking to myself, telling myself that "you are perfectly capable of doing this Elaine" and I just didn't think too much about it and went right into it and stayed there a good ten seconds! Yippeeee! A video will be coming at some point lol. Little victories like that give me hope. I am still daunted by my job, what all I have to learn, and by life sometimes. It is completely overwhelming. Some days all I can focus on are very small goals. And sometimes I become derailed. Today I was making cashew mayo to go over a raw salad and I started eating on cashews and suddenly I ate a whole cup worth and spoons of cashew mayo and now I feel sick and really awful. I was going to study some cardiology stuff for work but I can barely focus. I know tomorrow I will feel better and I will sleep better tonight so that helps. It was a beautifully sunny day today, and warm, and I fed the wild sparrows outside and they watched me through the window I opened while I cleaned my bathroom today. It was a pure joy to have them around, but it made me think of my beautiful little bird I used to have who passed away last September. And I feel an absolute terrible loneliness. My partner and our dog Sable are off somewhere on Sundays so I am alone. Really alone.

I know this is a fitness journal, but I can't separate my fitness goals from the rest of my life because the mind, body, and spirit are all connected and vital to health. And I have realized I have been doing everything on my own, rarely asking for help. It's been a common theme in my life since I was a little girl. funny how we keep repeating the same habits throughout life.

I have so little grace

Crane pose, I think you mean? Very good balance!

Haven't updated in here in a while. Last week, about ten days ago, I was dancing again at the fitness center in the studio. I was really getting into it, and trying new moves I had watched online. I was doing some twisting turns and went into a back somersault and felt something pop in my left ribcage, towards the bottom of my ribcage. I felt instant pain and instability there. I had to stop what I was doing.

I am fairly certain this is a muscle tear or severe strain, due to the nature of the injury and how it happened. I was doing sudden twisting movements and changing direction and then the somersault. The pain was severe the first few days, and now it is just extremely sore and only severe if I stretch or move a certain way. I can not lay on my left side, stomach, or even flat on my back. I have to sleep with tons of pillows propping me up at night (hence why posting so early this morning...I can't sleep very well now). I can definitely feel a pulling sensation in my lower left ribcage, very tight and sore. If I laugh or cough I will get sharp pain, but it is slowly getting better. The swelling went down considerably.

It's been humbling. I have not injured myself this bad since 2012. I have not been able to do any weight lifting, most cardio, cycling my bike to work, even abdominal work or stretching when it involves my torso. The muscle area I strained is connected to my abdomen so any abdominal muscle usage hurts, even trying to suck in my abdomen is impossible without pain. That even means lifting my legs higher than a normal walk, as with cycling or stair climbing. So I have been extremely limited as far as exercise. I have been walking an hour a day, gentle walks mind you lol. Otherwise, this is the longest I have ever gone without lifting weights or doing calisthenics etc. Even with my other injuries in 2012...achilles tendinitis and pelvic stress fracture...I could still do cycling, or rowing, or upper body weights, or stretching. This injury affects most of my body to an extent so it's been frustrating.

I think though that my body really needed a break. I was pushing myself way too hard and I was feeling fatigued in my muscles. It was a sure sign I needed a rest. I tend to think three days off every four months is enough of a rest. It is not, when you exercise six days a week, 1.5-2 hours per day, for years.

So this injury is not entirely a bad thing. I am 11 days into not exercising other than walking and VERY light/gentle stretching. My body is starting to feel stronger, muscles are no longer fatigued. I am trying to be patient and allow my injury to heal. I am aware it could be at least a month. Very slowly I am getting better, but it's been maddening because the weather has been so gorgeous outside and I can't cycle. :/ I miss dancing, and weight lifting. I am scared I will turn to jello. But logically i know that it takes a long time to lose muscle mass.

When I injured myself in 2012, I stopped eating because I was furious at my body and scared to death of weight gain. I lost a ton of weight, down to a scary low weight. I was so depressed. I find myself in this situation again, but I am battling the urge to not eat. I am being careful, but trying to nourish myself because it will mean I heal faster. Strangely I have actually lost a few lbs from not exercising, but I think it is because my body is holding less water maybe? My appetite has been less, but I am still eating sensibly.

Injuries are sure challenging, on every level of one's being.

I'm missing being able to ride my bike right now with my injury. So I thought I would share some pics of me and my bike over the last six years. That bike has brought me places, and given me a self confidence I really lacked before. It has helped me realize my strengths, my limits, my potential. I love getting on my bike in the early mornings when the world is quiet, the birds are just starting to sing and the day is just coming to life. I love when it is still cool outside, but not unbearably so, and I can feel the blood in my legs working as I start peddling. I love the quiet, and fresh air. So often I leave a good hour before work, and ride to some favorite out of the way places where I can meditate before work. There are some local woods, parks, rivers where I can go and stretch and bird watch and just be alone with my thoughts.

I remember back in 2013, I was very sick and stressed out and uncertain about my future. I was in school back then, had gone back to school for the first time in 17 years. I was halfway through. But I was struggling, feeling an incredible anxiety deep inside. I was going to ride my bike to a huge bridge that spans a mile and a half over Lake Superior and connects Minnesota and Wisconsin. There is a bike/pedestrian path that goes along the side of the bridge, and a freeway lane for cars going both ways. I wanted to visit the bridge because I had chosen this spot as a "way out" just in case. I needed to face it. I am afraid of heights, and this bridge is several hundred feet above the lake. I rode there on a quiet Sunday morning, all the way to the middle, right at the highest point, and stopped to look out over the vast lake. Something inside of me clicked, and I just knew I was going to be ok. I was really living in the moment, taking it all in, feeling more alive than I had ever felt in a long time. I remember crossing into Wisconsin that day, riding and riding and riding. My body brought me all over the place on that bike. I rode home, and after that point life really started to happen for me. I set up an internship all on my own (I now work where I interned), finished school, earned an RHIT certification, landed a job, leafleted and tabled for animal rights, fought my social anxiety to be a voice for others. And I began to recover from my sickness.

I know a bike is a bike, but my bike has been my friend for many years. She has helped me through some tough times. And I am missing her. She is a Specialized Hard Rock unisex mountain bike. Once the two of us were even hit by a car, and she had to be fixed as her frame was bent. I went through physical therapy. I've since replaced her seat with a more comfortable one. I'm not as tiny as I used to be. So here are a few pics of us:

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Your story is so inspirational! I've been very bogged down, depressed, feeling the cost of so many bad choices in life and even bitterness for the need for making those those choices. I've been working long hours for little reward, spent yesterday doing nothing.
I did just buy myself a bike. I'd never been comfortable on one before, never on roads, but also because I'd hadn't had a proper fitting bike. I found a 26 tire with a 14 frame for a great price, put it together but still need to true the wheel. Is yours a 24 tire?
How is it that some people are born for this world and species and others feel so alienated, so outside and uncomfortable? My earliest memories are of wanting to hide, wanting to get away, unwanted yet accommodated by a family wishing me to be someone else. I have no family now besides my sons, who I love more than anything and would do anything to for them. My mother is in a nursing home with alzheimers and I don't even to go, I feel no connection to go, no reason other than a weird kind guilt when you know everyone else expects me to be attached, have feelings, when I'm only her guardian out of a sense of duty. If I have any feeling it's resentment and wishing I'd detached myself long long ago
Anyway, didn't mean to go all there-- i think I'll try and get my own bike trued and see if I can't make a friendship as you have
I hope you heal soon

My bike tires I believe are 26". I love riding a mountain bike. This one was actually a gift from my partner's parents in 2010. Years ago I had a 10 speed bike and hated it because it had such narrow wheels and I never felt safe. The right bike makes a huge difference! I hope you enjoy yours!

I hear ya and I relate so much to feeling like an alien on this planet. I am an introvert to the extreme with lifelong social anxiety and avoidant personality disorder diagnosed at 16. I used to isolate so severely I lost touch with reality. I've had a few episodes of psychosis. Not too many people beyond close family know that. I spent most of my twenties in psych wards, halfway houses, then in alcohol treatment. I am still afraid of people, feel much more comfortable alone, but long fo r friendships and connection. I have so few friends. I don't even talk to the majority of my extended family. It was a big deal just for me to complete a two year college degree and earn that certification and my degree. Thankfully I was able to do most of it online, but I had to intern at a medical facility and interact with people and it was not easy. Leafleting was extremely hard for me, who like you is used to running from people, not looking for them lol. I literally had to push myself to find crowds and pass out leaflets. I think because I am such a nonconfrontational person, I was more successful at it than others might be. I also work at a job where I don't interact a whole lot with people, but I still have to do phone meetings with the cancer pharmacy staff, anesthesiologists, and other coders. I am terrified of authority figures, and big shot doctors. Anxiety is just such a part of my daily life and yet it never gets easier. Those moments I can spend on my bike far away from it all are priceless.

I developed a cold yesterday, the kind where you sneeze constantly. My partner had it, mom had it, every one at work had it. Because of my rib injury, every sneeze is agony. My injury is worse again due to this as well, pain horrific. I feel like I am never going to heal. I have done everything right, not exercising, resting more, trying to eat to nurture myself. I've been overstresed though at work, learning how to code hospital encounters and procedures, far harder than anything I have done there so far, while trying to keep up with my other work, and studying for a rigorous CPC certification and exam. Exercise is my outlet, and I have not been able to do much. So I guess it's inevitable I would get a cold. And the weather has been gorgeous, and I am missing out on cycling this short season. Feeling sorry for myself. I have had to ask my partner for help getting out of bed. Talk about humbling. But he understands, having rheumatoid arthritis, and hasn't been judgmental about it.

By the way, Happy Mothers Day to you!

NB, I'm a little worried about you. You are at risk for pneumonia with your injury plus a respiratory infection. If you develop a fever, you really have to see a doctor, ok?

Codeine is what you need, to suppress the cough and help with the pain.

Hope you start feeling better quickly Naturebound.


Leedsveg.

Thanks guys!

Ledboots,

I may be going in to a doctor tomorrow as now my middle (thoracic) spine area is hurting unbearably, but only if I cough or move in certain ways. It is at the same level as the rib area on my left side that is injured. I'm in worse shape than when I first injured myself. :/ Drove to Mom's today to spend Mother's Day with her and even making turns with the car was agony. Getting really worried. I'll have it checked out very soon.

Just some updates. A few weeks ago I did get my injury checked out and had no fractures, just a severe strain.

I have since done some healing. I didn't exercise for the first week after my injury. Then I started walking a lot. After a few weeks I very slowly started doing some cardio machines (stationary bike, elliptical, treadmill...). I slowly started adding back in free weights, but much lighter weight than what I normally do. I normally use 15 to 25 lb dumbbells, but was using 5 to 10 lb ones and only certain exercises that didn't involve using my rib/abdominal muscles...which aren't many lol.

Finally this week I was able to do some abdominal exercises again, and can do must of my normal weight routine, give or take a few things. But man, after a month of no ab work or weight lifting, going back to my full routine, I have been extremely sore doing stuff that normally was no big deal before. I lost a little definition in my abs but am starting to get it back. What a trying time!

I think I am recovering quickly though considering only 4 weeks ago I couldn't even laugh or cough without pain, and could barely walk. Now I am back to almost my full routine.

Last weekend my partner and I went on a camping trip, and we hiked two trails, one for eight miles and the other for six miles. Though I carried a twenty lb backpack (with raingear, snacks, water, first aid kit, etc), I have one that hugs my body close and has straps I can use to keep it snug on me so it doesn't put weight on my shoulders. It did not seem to bother my injury at all. However, we had a light rain the entire time I did the Bass Lake six mile loop, so we had to battle not only crazy up and down rocky terrain, but slippery rocks and tree roots too! We took it VERY slowly because I could not afford to fall. The whole weekend rained off and on, but it was still a nice trip, and awesome to be outdoors again for an extended time. I brought along an inflatable mattress for my back so it wasn't so hard on me to sleep on the ground in a sleeping bag, and I brought extra pillows. It was still a little challenging getting up lol.

I enjoyed bagels and peanut butter for breakfast along with an orange. Trail snacks were cliff bars, dates and dried apricots, carrots and snap peas. Dinners were tortillas with pinto beans, brown rice, Daiya, lettuce; and corn tortilla chips on the side.. One night we did Tofurky hot dogs, more of the corn chips, my homemade coleslaw. Lots of campfires, and sitting by the lake (and wishing I could canoe on the calm waters but my rib injury makes canoeing challenging right now). It was a nice trip, and it feels good to be getting back to my routine.

I am afraid to start dancing again, but Friday I did some light dancing, very careful though. Next week I will get back to cycling to work.

These are pics from my trip:

https://www.flickr.com/photos/elaine...57668894570241

You put me to shame. Yesterday I kinda got lost on my bike, but I know it wasn't more than 3 miles. My legs were so rubbery when I got off!
If not for seeing your post here I probably would have skipped this mornings ride. It wasn't long, but at least I got on it!
You're so amazing!

I truly admire your courage and inner strength for recognizing what you need and just going for it Your dancing is raw, full of emotion, and very inspiring - I hope you find a location that works for you so you can continue to explore - I look forward to seeing your expression in sympathy of the animals

Oh and I believe the yoga pose you are talking about is crow's position - I've been practicing for over three years and I still cannot do it - or any forward-facing inversions, for that matter; I have heavy fears... so HUGE kudos to you for accomplishing that! ^_^

I know what it is like to feel alone and isolated in this world, it is part of being a deeply emotional person, and spiritually aware. Sometimes that isolation is a terrible feeling though, so I just wanted to say, even though technically I do not know you, I can tell you are a beautiful person with a beautiful heart and soul You are not alone - even though we may live far apart, there are kindred spirits out there who understand Much love, and great healing to you - I am sending lots of positive energy your way! ^_^

Good for you silva! Before long you'll develop strong legs from biking, I assure you! Three miles is a respectable distance, nothing to dismiss. And biking outside, you have to contend with weather, temperatures, wind, hills, potholes, traffic. I see people biking for miles uphill, and I marvel at that. Hills are still a struggle for me, though I can do about a mile uphill now (though I am about to die by the time I reach that mile lol). Right now I'd be lucky if I could bike a block uphill due to not being on my bike in a while. I might ride to work tomorrow (yes I am working overtime as usual), pending the weather. I feel like I am the only one on Earth who is worried I am going to get in trouble for working so much overtime lol. I just worry so much and can't let stuff go. I study chemotherapy infusion coding and oncology drug magazines in the bathtub before bed lol. Trying the hell to figure out what on earth I am doing at work. My work is audited and analyzed by practically everyone.

I hope you had some nice weather on your ride!