Not feeling 'good enough' for your partner.. - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 06-05-2009, 05:40 PM
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I wasn't going to post this but I have after all. I'm in a relationship with a wonderful woman who I love dearly, but I have a nagging feeling in my mind that I simply don't feel good enough for her, I feel inadequate. She is attractive, successful and a host of other things and I am none of those things. I still can't believe she is interested in someone like me, although I dearly hope we can settle down together.



Has anyone ever felt like this or can offer any suggestions?
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#2 Old 06-05-2009, 05:52 PM
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All I can say is that is her decision to make!



I had a boyfriend who broke up with me because he said he wasn't good enough for me. It was really frustrating and sad. I tried to convince him that that is MY call, not his. We got back together for a little while, and then he did it again. I let it happen that time, 'cause what else can you do? Maybe he was right... breaking up with me twice for no reason resulted in a self-fulfilling prophecy!



She obviously thinks your good enough, 'cause if she didn't, she wouldn't be dating you
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#3 Old 06-05-2009, 05:54 PM
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She's obviously seeing some good stuff in ya to keep you around. Enjoy it. Just try and be the best guy you can be to her. She'll appreciate it.

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#4 Old 06-05-2009, 05:56 PM
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Can you figure out what it is exactly that makes you feel that way?

Is it money? looks? The nagging feeling sounds like guilt... is there something that is bothering you -- perhaps she's sure about your relationship, and you're only half sure?
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#5 Old 06-05-2009, 06:31 PM
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I honestly think she is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. I never thought I would meet anyone and would be destined to a life alone and lonely, but I just feel she is far superior to me in so many ways. I know she must like me or else she wouldn't be with me, but I just sometimes feel so inadequate. I guess it is my low self-esteem getting the better of me....
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#6 Old 06-05-2009, 06:33 PM
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Dude, I have no words of wisdom really, but just wanted to sympathise. I've been there, there have been times in my past when someone smart, attractive, kind and so on has wanted to be with me and I always ended up hurting them because I couldn't understand why they wanted to be with me. It's only now I'm realising that maybe *I* am also those things and my inadequacy was all in my head. I'm working on that so that next time I want to be with someone I don't sabotage it. We really are our own worst enemies sometimes.



What I'm learning, I think, is that the key is trust. TRUST that she truly wants to be with you, don't question it. If you get hurt down the line (as we all do at times, her included no doubt), so what? The risk of hurt is SO much better than never experiencing love when it's offered because fear makes you talk yourself out of it. Just remind yourself- you ARE worthy, you do deserve love, take it when it's in front of you. The other thing is- everyone is insecure in some way, your gf included. How do you know she's not thinking the same thing in reverse?



Take care, I know this stuff isn't easy.
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#7 Old 06-05-2009, 06:35 PM
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work out what you don't like about yourself, and fix it. or just accept that she's gotta have amazing taste, seeing as she's so wonderful, so you should trust her judgement on the matter.
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#8 Old 06-05-2009, 06:39 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jon_Veggie View Post

I honestly think she is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. I never thought I would meet anyone and would be destined to a life alone and lonely, but I just feel she is far superior to me in so many ways. I know she must like me or else she wouldn't be with me, but I just sometimes feel so inadequate. I guess it is my low self-esteem getting the better of me....



Aww...
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#9 Old 06-05-2009, 11:19 PM
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Originally Posted by Jon_Veggie View Post

I honestly think she is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. I never thought I would meet anyone and would be destined to a life alone and lonely, but I just feel she is far superior to me in so many ways. I know she must like me or else she wouldn't be with me, but I just sometimes feel so inadequate. I guess it is my low self-esteem getting the better of me....



Yes, having low self-esteem can make a person have crazy thoughts/doubts about how they think other people view them.
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#10 Old 06-06-2009, 12:56 AM
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Originally Posted by Jon_Veggie View Post

I honestly think she is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. I never thought I would meet anyone and would be destined to a life alone and lonely, but I just feel she is far superior to me in so many ways. I know she must like me or else she wouldn't be with me, but I just sometimes feel so inadequate. I guess it is my low self-esteem getting the better of me....



I agree with the others that you'd best try to trust her judgment, since she's so smart and amazing.



But I think you might benefit from counseling to work on this, and I hope that you're not overly processing this with her, beyond confiding some of your fears and hopes and the way that you want to deal with it. Because if you obsess on your insecurities with her, and go to her continually for reassurance, you may begin to taint the relationship (i.e. it's a form of sabotage). It's your problem to work on, more than a relationship-with-her problem.

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#11 Old 06-06-2009, 02:18 AM
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Thanks for the helpful suggestions, I think it may well all be 'in my head', but I guess one thing could be my lack of experience in relationships and feelings that I am not physically attractive compared with her. I couldn't ever imagine not being with her now, but will try and work on the less than positive feelings I am having.
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#12 Old 06-06-2009, 02:50 AM
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Originally Posted by Jon_Veggie View Post

Thanks for the helpful suggestions, I think it may well all be 'in my head', but I guess one thing could be my lack of experience in relationships and feelings that I am not physically attractive compared with her.

Girls are just prettier to look at. We can't compete with that! As for her motivation for being with you, she might have been looking for someone who was not a total jerk. There are a lot of jerks out there, and she's lucky to have found someone decent. Try to think of all the bad traits that you don't have, I'm sure there are quite a few!

I no longer post here after VB was sold in 2012. (See my profile page for details.)
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#13 Old 06-06-2009, 03:44 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Prajnaparamita View Post

Dude, I have no words of wisdom really, but just wanted to sympathise. I've been there, there have been times in my past when someone smart, attractive, kind and so on has wanted to be with me and I always ended up hurting them because I couldn't understand why they wanted to be with me. It's only now I'm realising that maybe *I* am also those things and my inadequacy was all in my head. I'm working on that so that next time I want to be with someone I don't sabotage it. We really are our own worst enemies sometimes.



What I'm learning, I think, is that the key is trust. TRUST that she truly wants to be with you, don't question it. If you get hurt down the line (as we all do at times, her included no doubt), so what? The risk of hurt is SO much better than never experiencing love when it's offered because fear makes you talk yourself out of it. Just remind yourself- you ARE worthy, you do deserve love, take it when it's in front of you. The other thing is- everyone is insecure in some way, your gf included. How do you know she's not thinking the same thing in reverse?



Take care, I know this stuff isn't easy.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Irizary View Post

I agree with the others that you'd best try to trust her judgment, since she's so smart and amazing.



But I think you might benefit from counseling to work on this, and I hope that you're not overly processing this with her, beyond confiding some of your fears and hopes and the way that you want to deal with it. Because if you obsess on your insecurities with her, and go to her continually for reassurance, you may begin to taint the relationship (i.e. it's a form of sabotage). It's your problem to work on, more than a relationship-with-her problem.



These two posts sum up what I think about the situation.
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#14 Old 06-06-2009, 06:11 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jon_Veggie View Post

I wasn't going to post this but I have after all. I'm in a relationship with a wonderful woman who I love dearly, but I have a nagging feeling in my mind that I simply don't feel good enough for her, I feel inadequate. She is attractive, successful and a host of other things and I am none of those things. I still can't believe she is interested in someone like me, although I dearly hope we can settle down together.



Has anyone ever felt like this or can offer any suggestions?



An attractive successful women could have her choice of a lot of men, but she chose you. There must be something about you that she finds appealing, otherwise she would be with someone else.



That alone should do away with any feelings of inadequacy...

Happiness is not the result of a mathematical equation comparing the good times and bad times someone has had. It is a state of mind.
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#15 Old 06-06-2009, 06:17 AM
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maybe if it is how you look that worries you, you could work on your fitness. You could take up running, which would also be a release for any pent up frustration.

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#16 Old 06-06-2009, 06:22 AM
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Dude, i met you and I thought you were really cute and funny. I told my husband when I got home from the meet-up that if i was single I would go for you. I think this is low esteem talking. You are really handsome (i thought so) but looks aren't everything. You are kind and funny and hard working and not a d*ckhead. She loves you because you are YOU. She probably feels like you do--that you are amazing and loving and kind and funny andwhat does she have to offer you? You have found your soul mate--don't lose her because you cannot see the value in yourself. Hugs to you.

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#17 Old 06-06-2009, 07:00 AM
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Thank you everyone for your kind words, all I want to do is make my girlfriend as happy as possible, but maybe I should work on liking myself a bit more.
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#18 Old 06-06-2009, 08:01 AM
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Originally Posted by Jon_Veggie View Post

Thank you everyone for your kind words, all I want to do is make my girlfriend as happy as possible, but maybe I should work on liking myself a bit more.



Seems like you snagged a great woman! That should be a confidence booster right there! Seriously, you're obviously a kind, thoughtful, sincere person and let me tell you- that's hard to find. Enjoy what you have and know that you're going to give her the very best which few men can or will do. She's lucky to have you.
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#19 Old 06-06-2009, 10:04 AM
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sometimes we are our own worst critics...we can always find things wrong with our selves,good thing is ...our partners love us for who we are just the way we are .and god only knows we all have our short comings...i have learned the hard way to just be me and let him love me cause IN HIS EYES i am perfect!
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#20 Old 06-06-2009, 10:59 AM
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Jon: You already know this, but I think it's normal insecurity that comes with low self esteem. She's already impressed, so trying to convince yourself that she's already impressed or that you can impress her is sorta futile. Instead, you must figure out how to impress yourself and begin to repair your self esteem.
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#21 Old 06-06-2009, 03:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Jon_Veggie View Post

but maybe I should work on liking myself a bit more.







This.



I can't even begin to explain how much loving yourself will change your life. I'll bet your girl will fall even harder for you too

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#22 Old 06-06-2009, 08:33 PM
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Originally Posted by Jon_Veggie View Post

I wasn't going to post this but I have after all. I'm in a relationship with a wonderful woman who I love dearly, but I have a nagging feeling in my mind that I simply don't feel good enough for her, I feel inadequate. She is attractive, successful and a host of other things and I am none of those things. I still can't believe she is interested in someone like me, although I dearly hope we can settle down together.



Has anyone ever felt like this or can offer any suggestions?





She must be with you for a reason. Maybe she is attracted to your compassion, humility or sense of humour?
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#23 Old 06-06-2009, 09:41 PM
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Originally Posted by Jon_Veggie View Post

I wasn't going to post this but I have after all. I'm in a relationship with a wonderful woman who I love dearly, but I have a nagging feeling in my mind that I simply don't feel good enough for her, I feel inadequate. She is attractive, successful and a host of other things and I am none of those things. I still can't believe she is interested in someone like me, although I dearly hope we can settle down together.



Has anyone ever felt like this or can offer any suggestions?



Whether one's better than the other is a different story, but clearly you both have your differences.



There's only really two possibilities of how this will go...



1. It's one of those symbiotic relationships where two different people were just made perfectly for each other.



2. The further you proceed with the relationship, the more clear the differences become and the more difficult the compatibility gets.



So I say just continue the relationship.
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#24 Old 06-06-2009, 11:20 PM
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This "I'm not good enough for you" **** pisses me off so much I can't even think rationally about it. If you're looking for an excuse to leave your partner just be straight about it, but thats the most bull**** line ever.
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#25 Old 06-07-2009, 01:39 PM
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This "I'm not good enough for you" **** pisses me off so much I can't even think rationally about it. If you're looking for an excuse to leave your partner just be straight about it, but thats the most bull**** line ever.



I am in no way, shape or form wanting to leave my partner! I love her dearly and want to marry her and live forever together. I just guess I have some internal issues and insecurities that I need to work on.....but I really don't want to break up with her, the thought of that happening sends chills down my spine!
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#26 Old 06-07-2009, 08:46 PM
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This "I'm not good enough for you" **** pisses me off so much I can't even think rationally about it. If you're looking for an excuse to leave your partner just be straight about it, but thats the most bull**** line ever.



I understand that sometimes this is used as a "breakup line". Does not mean it's always just a stupid breakup line and that the problem doesn't really exist for some people. Breakups -- especially those where the other person can't give you an honest reason -- can really hurt a lot, though.
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#27 Old 06-07-2009, 08:47 PM
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i understand that sometimes this is used as a "breakup line". Does not mean it's always just a stupid breakup line and that the problem doesn't really exist for some people.



+1
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#28 Old 06-08-2009, 04:11 AM
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*sniff sniff* it's not you..*sniff sniff* it's me... i'm just not good enough *sniff*



Sorry, I just had to add that in there.
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#29 Old 06-08-2009, 05:15 AM
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Let me stress again that I have no intention whatsoever of breaking up with my partner, if this is how it came across then it wasn't meant to at all.
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#30 Old 06-08-2009, 06:34 AM
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I understand what you're saying, I let the man of my dreams go because I didn't feel I was good enough for him. It's a sad sad thing, if I had it to do over I would change those negative thoughts of not feeling good enough and be the best I could have been for this man. I hope you can do this before it's too late like what happened to me..Now I am lonely sad and have regrets, I cannot find another man to live up to my dream man. It's been years since I've had a date.
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