I admit it...the meat eating is starting to get to me! - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 03-09-2009, 11:53 AM
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Many times on this board, as well as others, I've said how it's not a big deal for me to cook meat for my husband (and eggs for my son). However, I'm starting to have issues with it. He has been eating a lot more vegetarian/vegan meals, but every time I have to put out meat to thaw my stomach churns . He works sometimes as much as 60 hours a week (last week he worked 60 hours then was on call all weekend plus did 5 hours of volunteer work with the church) and I've always said that I felt lucky to be able to stay at home and that I didn't feel that I should make him cook his own meat.



However, as time passes I find myself less and less OK with it. Last night he had thawed out chicken thighs and I said I needed something at the store just so that I could leave so that he would have to cook them himself. I didn't like lying (well, technically NOT lying since I did need something...but it was still deceitful and that's not like me at all!).



I just have no idea how to bring this up to him without him throwing a fit about it. I've always told him that I would still be fine with cooking the meat because I know he works hard for me to stay home...and I don't want to go back on what I said. But it's making me physically ill to my stomach. I mean, I don't even like seeing it in the freezer/fridge!



HELP
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#2 Old 03-09-2009, 12:07 PM
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Don't feel obligated to cook meat for him, just because you feel you owe it to him for being able to be happy staying at home. My husband eats meat and works his butt off everyday providing for us, all the while I'm fortunate to stay home and be with my child. There's no guidlines to what a homemaker must do. Because it makes me happy, I try my hardest to make sure dinner is on the table everynight, but because my workplace is at home, we eat what I make and I rule the kitchen... Your husband needs to know how sincerely important it is becoming to you to not handle and cook something that goes against your morals. It's ok to change your feelings about it. I use to not mind meat being cooked in the same kitchen as my food, but that has completely changed and my husband trys hard to understand and respect that. Don't look at being a homemaker as a reason to be submission to what your spouse wants. Your job has been and is maintaining everyones homelife and you can't do that if your unhappy.
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#3 Old 03-09-2009, 12:11 PM
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thats tough and i couldnt handle that. luckily my husband was fine with going vegan as i am a great cook and we rarely ate meat anyway.

i think your feelings are a natural progression and i think many on here have experienced the same thing. the smell of flesh, raw or cooked makes my stomach turn now yet it wasnt that way when i first went vegan. can you gently bring up your change in feelings and maybe say that in reading stuff here on vb that you notice many other veg*ns feel the same way? i understand his long hours complicate the matter and that you want to support him, and bring that up to him as well. certainly, if in a non-confrontational manner this is brought to his attention i would think he could understand your conflict here.

hugs to you and good luck!
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#4 Old 03-09-2009, 12:14 PM
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If I thought my hubbie was going to spit the dummie about having that conversation I probably might not have it. I'd just shop vegan and cook vegan and then wait for him to complain.....then I'd explain about how my feelings about cooking meat have changed.



I think most people who are working 60 hrs p.w will eat anything you put in front of them because they're usually just glad they don't have to cook for themselves.



.
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#5 Old 03-09-2009, 12:35 PM
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I don't know how you've managed to cook meat for people at all. I know that lots of veg*ns work in restaurants and have to deal with meat all the time, but I don't think I could deal with it myself. Why don't you just explain the situation to him the way you did in your post here? It sounded pretty reasonable to me. If he knows that it's starting to bother you, he may be able to suggest some compromises.



If you're going to try to keep fixing meat for him, I'd suggest getting as much frozen, convenience food as possible. I know it's not as cost-effective or healthy as cooking from scratch, but it might make it a lot easier on you. Is there any veg food that he likes? I don't really know, but I would have assumed that you have mad skills in the kitchen. I would think that you could come up with something that he would like. Then maybe he could get some of his yucky meat-food at a restaurant every once in a while if he really needs it.



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I mean, I don't even like seeing it in the freezer/fridge!



Understandable. The last time I went to my parents' house I made the mistake of looking in the downstairs freezer.

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#6 Old 03-09-2009, 12:47 PM
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Would he be willing to eat meat at lunch when he is away and always eat veg*n at home so you wouldn't have to deal with it? If you are doing all the cleaning, washing, child care, and other cooking, it seems like it isn't too much to ask not to cook meat.
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#7 Old 03-09-2009, 12:49 PM
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My first suggestion would be to get one or two more vegan cookbooks and maybe a subscription to Vegetarian Times or VegNews if you don't already have them so that you can always have "something you're dying to try" ready for the next meal.



But honestly, you need to have a talk. We came to the conclusion several years ago that because it is healthier, greener and above all, kinder, I'm going to cook vegan at home. That way we can all eat the same things. When DH is traveling or out to dinner on business, he generally orders fish or fowl, and I don't say a word.



But you need to tread lightly here. You are making changes to someone else's way of life, and you have to do that gently and with respect and acceptance of any feelings on his part. You do not want to make this issue a power play. If he says that he doesn't want to change the way things are, you can always bring this up again next week, next month or anytime really. And you can always continue to fix delicious vegan dinners - the way to a man's heart and all!



As for your aversions - the stomach-turning and all - I wouldn't focus on those, honestly. Believe me, I understand them, but I'm worried they might make you seem emotional and dramatic, when calm and concerned may be the best tactic.

It is our choices that show what we truly are far more than our abilities. ~A. Dumbledore
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#8 Old 03-09-2009, 01:16 PM
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Originally Posted by sybaritik View Post

If I thought my hubbie was going to spit the dummie about having that conversation I probably might not have it. I'd just shop vegan and cook vegan and then wait for him to complain.....then I'd explain about how my feelings about cooking meat have changed.



I think most people who are working 60 hrs p.w will eat anything you put in front of them because they're usually just glad they don't have to cook for themselves.



.



I like this suggestion. I can see it being more difficult now to go from cooking meat for him to not, than if you had never before once you had gone veg. This may be a good way to break the ice to him.
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#9 Old 03-09-2009, 01:42 PM
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Originally Posted by Poppy View Post

My first suggestion would be to get one or two more vegan cookbooks and maybe a subscription to Vegetarian Times or VegNews if you don't already have them so that you can always have "something you're dying to try" ready for the next meal.



But honestly, you need to have a talk. We came to the conclusion several years ago that because it is healthier, greener and above all, kinder, I'm going to cook vegan at home. That way we can all eat the same things. When DH is traveling or out to dinner on business, he generally orders fish or fowl, and I don't say a word.



But you need to tread lightly here. You are making changes to someone else's way of life, and you have to do that gently and with respect and acceptance of any feelings on his part. You do not want to make this issue a power play. If he says that he doesn't want to change the way things are, you can always bring this up again next week, next month or anytime really. And you can always continue to fix delicious vegan dinners - the way to a man's heart and all!



As for your aversions - the stomach-turning and all - I wouldn't focus on those, honestly. Believe me, I understand them, but I'm worried they might make you seem emotional and dramatic, when calm and concerned may be the best tactic.



I think that was very well said, and I hope that someday I can be in a situation like that. Currently I live alone, but I always cook vegan when my bf or anyone else comes over. Totally different issue when you live together though.



Good luck
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#10 Old 03-09-2009, 02:35 PM
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I just have no idea how to bring this up to him without him throwing a fit about it.



You're going to have to bring it up. Things are going to get worse and worse for you otherwise.



Whatever you do, stay calm even if your husband gets pissed off. Don't get all emotional. Most men can't cope with discussions when women get emotional (I don't blame them!!!).



Just explain in simple words that this is something that you can no longer do as it no longer fits in with your values and principles.



Hope all goes well.



(P.S. He's a hard-worker. Wow!! 60 hours a week is a LOT!!!!)
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#11 Old 03-09-2009, 03:36 PM
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Yeah, I'm in a similar situation. I still do cook meat for him, but less and less. However, since we both work I don't feel so bad asking him to cook his own.



It's a hard thing sometimes, loving an omni. I have absolutely no desire to try and force my way of life or my beliefs on him. This is especially true since I wasn't a vegetarian when we met and he has been wonderful about it. I don't know if I could ever ask my husband not to keep meat in the house, though. It's just as much his house as it is mine.



I agree that you'll have to have a conversation with him. Hopefully his reaction will not be anger, but a desire to work out something that pleases both of you. From all of the many posts of yours that I have read, you seem very firm in your beliefs, but in a logical and kind way, not overly emotional and never mean. This is probably a good way to talk to your husband. Maybe he could cook and freeze his meat dishes and then you could just pop them in the oven? Or maybe he'll be more amenable than you think to eating vegan in the house.



Let us know how it goes. I'm interested in how you deal with it because most likely I'll be having the same conversation one day.
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#12 Old 03-09-2009, 06:50 PM
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My brother has been living with us for the last 8 months. He is a die hard omni.

I do all of the cooking for the household, and I cook vegan. If he wants to bring meat in to the house, I am willing to compromise, but he has to cook it himself.



Before dh went veg, I cooked some meat for him. Eventually, it became too difficult, and I sat him down and explained how I felt about it. He agreed to either cook it himself, or eat the veg meal I cooked. I'm also a SAHM,and Dh also works long hours, so I understand where you're coming from.



Thing is, going against such a deeply held belief isn't good for you, and ultimately him. You may end up resenting having to cook flesh for him, and that can negatively affect your relationship. Who knows, maybe talking to him won't be as bad as you think.



Let us know how it goes.
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#13 Old 03-09-2009, 11:55 PM
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Oh man, Chrilynhawk..you wrote the same thing I am going through. I even told my husband. lol



I have like this 'guilt' feeling for staying home and my dh puts like 75 hours a week just to keep his job.



Sometimes I tell him that I didn't get pg by myself and I would get 'a job if daycare would give the same care that I give to my kids.' Plus the pay for a job is not worth it. I did the math and that is why I am home with my kids. He does support this.



I've had this talk with my dh a millions times over. He made a joke that I could cook him veg*n food if I would .....yeah, fill in the blank. heh



So far it's going good. Sometimes I give in and sometimes I don't. He however didn't ***** when I ordered all my veggie cookbooks from Amazon.



I say take control of the kitchen. After all....we are domestic godness. Don't ever forget that!
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#14 Old 03-10-2009, 02:08 AM
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Prayer is a good way to focus and to be open to guidance from the Holy Spirit.

I agree with those who have said that if you can remain calm, even if your husband gets worked up, you'll have a better chance of getting your message across.

I hope it all works out well for all involved: you, your husband, your children, the animals.

I think it must be so hard for veg*ns who have omnivorous spouses/partners.





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Originally Posted by 3LittleBirds View Post

From all of the many posts of yours that I have read, you seem very firm in your beliefs, but in a logical and kind way, not overly emotional and never mean. This is probably a good way to talk to your husband.



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#15 Old 03-10-2009, 06:07 AM
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You've gotten good advice but I just wanted to share what happened with us. I was veg when we met and he really enjoyed everything I cooked. When we moved in together I tried to cook meat for him. It was really really hard but I managed it for about.... 4 months. One day I just knew that it wasn't going to work like that anymore. I had thought that it would get easier but it only got worse. So we had a good long talk about it, like we always do, and cause he's such an amazing man he totally understood how I felt. Now we have a mostly vegan house. He *sometimes* brings home a basil, roasted red pepper, green pepper, onion, mushroom pizza for me... and something with an animal on it for himself. I don't complain about that. Otherwise he happily eats whatever I make. I'm excited about what we eat so he usually is too.



When I stayed home (God I loved that) I would cook up a storm all day making the most delicious food. I'd bake bread, and make things from scratch, and set the table almost every night for a nice homecooked meal. I also packed his lunch. Anyway, the only thing you can do is talk to him. You can buy some things prepared that he might like so you don't have to cook them but the chances of getting anything organic and free range that's already cooked is minimal. Just work out what's best for you and your family and it will be fine
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#16 Old 03-10-2009, 06:13 AM
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^^^ He sounds like a great guy! ^^^
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#17 Old 03-10-2009, 06:33 AM
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^^^ He sounds like a great guy! ^^^



Thank you! He's my favorite He has his moments, of course, but is really cool about my vegetarianism. It's all in the communication.
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#18 Old 03-10-2009, 06:40 AM
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Okay so here comes a long post! Then again I'm pretty notorious for long posts lol.



Shamandura: I'm so glad to be getting some opinions from others who are mothers and housewives. Mostly because you know exactly what I'm going through, to an extent I guess, so your suggestions are especially valid. I know it wasn't exactly the suggestion you were giving, but I think that me having dinner ready for him when he gets home will actually be one way to remedy this all a bit. I've been slacking about this, I used to do it all the time when I was omni, so it may help.



smedley:I think that gently bringing it up may be the way to go. Maybe. I'm not sure yet. Part of me feels I should just be honest and tell him my feelings, but the other part of me thinks that he won't quite understand (I love him to death, but he's not the best at understanding my POV). I guess this is one I'll just have to think about.



Nessus: Well the good thing is that when we were doing a Daniel fast with our church, which is the same as veganism but also no white foods like white breads and white rice, he said that my vegan food is a lot more tasty than the meat that I cook. I've had friends tell me the same thing, when it comes to veganism I got the mad cooking skills. Put in meat and suddenly my stuff just isn't very tasty lol.



Amira: This is a good suggestion that I didn't even think of. I think this could work as long as I make him some really tasty stuff for dinner. For lunch he always has to eat out or eat stuff at the hospital cafeteria - so he needs a good meal when he comes home!



Poppy: Hehe trust me I have waaaaaaaay more than 2-3 vegan cookbooks . I have about 7, not to mention the 8 or so I have checked out from the library. I just love new recipes! I do agree that bringing up the food aversion (stomach feeling icky) isn't the way to go. Knowing my husband, which I obviously do, he would think I was trying to guilt him into going veg which isn't what I want him to think nor what I want to do.



Diana: Yea last week was insane, he worked SO MUCH! Plus the 60 hours isn't including the 2-3 cases he had to take over the weekend plus the manual labor he did with the church's volunteer work (they did some landscaping at a local elementary school).

I will try to keep in mind to keep my calm. It seems that when he gets angry or upset, I do too. It's hard for me to keep my cool, but if I want this to go over well I know I have to.



3LittleBirds: You are such a sweet person! Thank you for the compliment about the way I do things, I always worry I sound like I have some superiority complex but its nice to hear that it doesn't come off that way to other people. I think the biggest issue right now is also going to be that I don't like seeing the animals in the freezer. I really wish that our home could be vegetarian (I'm vegan but it's easier for me to keep dairy and eggs here compared to actual animals ) just so that I didn't have to see them. But that may be where compromise comes in. I may be able to agree to having it in the house as long as I don't have to cook it. At least I'll be fine with it...for now.



paganveg: This is kind of what I was just saying in the comment I made above this one. I think I can compromise and allow him to keep stuff here as long as I don't have to cook it.



Tori~CL: The "fill in the blank" thing sounds EXACTLY like something my hubby would say haha.



Mr. Sun: Thank you so much. I've definitely been praying really hard about this. I just need strength to bring it up, and I asked God to put compassion on Alex's heart and let him understand where I'm coming from and be open to change. I think most know I'm a strong believer in prayer, so *fingers crossed*

I think it's definitely hard being in a relationship with an omni. I love him with all of my heart and soul and wouldn't want anyone else - but I can admit that it would be much more convenient if he were veg.



Beachbnny: What great advice and what a great hubby you have! I definitely know that I need to talk to him. I just have to get up the cahones to do it first lol
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#19 Old 03-10-2009, 06:53 AM
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I think my meat cooking abilities are what's going to be the last straw. I don't taste it beforehand (obviously) and I've been told it's over or under cooked several times. I just feel so inspired by veg*n food and the meat is just a responsibility. I throw some seasonings on and pop it in all while trying not to look at it or touch it. One day my husband will just say "uncle" and eat my tasty veggie food!
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#20 Old 03-10-2009, 06:54 AM
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^LOL that's a problem I have too! I'll have someone say, "this has too much seasoning" or "this has too little seasoning" and they ask why I didn't taste it first.



Uhhhh why do you THINK?!
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#21 Old 03-10-2009, 07:03 AM
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^ That's funny! Of course, I never tried any of it either. He does tell me from time to time that he misses my pork chops. Apparently, I did those really well. I've never tasted meat that I've cooked since I went veg pretty quickly after I moved out. I did get nervous that I was going to give him food poisoning. That never happened though.



I'm sure talking to your hubby will go fine. He seems like a caring, generous man. I'd just try not to approach it like he's never going to have meat again, or like it's an ultimatum. I will admit that I sorta freaked when I got to that point but he just hugged me and told me he understood. In the end, I told him how much I loved him but that I just couldn't do it anymore. You'll do fine
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#22 Old 03-10-2009, 08:06 AM
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You aren't not willing to feed him, and he isn't going to starve. I understand wanting to have food ready for him since he works so much, and you are. Vegan food. In our house, my bf gets a hot homecooked meal every night. It never contains meat. He eats it happily and considers himself lucky to have someone who will make food for him every night. However, the difference may be that I set the precident very early on in the relationship that I do not cook meat.



In your situation though, if the situation were reversed and you were making your husband do something that he was very uncomfortable with, and opposed to, and he came to you and said "This is very upsetting to me" wouldn't you feel awful and find a way to compromise so that you would both be happy? I can't imagine knowing that your partner was truly upset by something you were requesting, anyone would uphold that request and not try to find a solution where everyone was happy. So TALK to him!

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#23 Old 03-10-2009, 08:34 AM
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Okay so a little update! Alex called me to tell me that he went to McDonald's this morning and he was going to get a bacon egg and cheese biscuit but decided to leave off the bacon. He was so excited and told me that I should be proud of him. I definitely think he's at least starting to try a little bit.



Anyways so I took this as the perfect opportunity to bring up this whole subject. I would rather have talked about it in person...but I figured that if he got mad and yelled I could always put the phone away from my ear and not listen to him whereas face to face I would have to deal with it. So I said, "I don't know if you've noticed but I haven't been cooking you meat very often for dinner either" he said he had noticed and it was fine. I said, "What if I stopped cooking it altogether?"



And then came the response I didn't expect...

"Well, you're in charge of it all so if you don't want to cook it then don't"



Never in a million years would i have expected him to react that well! So once the meat we have is gone (which isn't much...I think there's enough for him maybe 4-5 dinners in the freezer) the house is going to be completely vegetarian. Only because I know he's not ready to give up cheese, milk, and eggs yet. I'm trying to bring the change on slowly lol.



Man, I'm still in SHOCK. Alex, though I love him, honestly has never been good with change or with many things "alternative" so I'm just in awe right now.
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#24 Old 03-10-2009, 08:35 AM
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Okay so a little update! Alex called me to tell me that he went to McDonald's this morning and he was going to get a bacon egg and cheese biscuit but decided to leave off the bacon. He was so excited and told me that I should be proud of him. I definitely think he's at least starting to try a little bit.



Anyways so I took this as the perfect opportunity to bring up this whole subject. I would rather have talked about it in person...but I figured that if he got mad and yelled I could always put the phone away from my ear and not listen to him whereas face to face I would have to deal with it. So I said, "I don't know if you've noticed but I haven't been cooking you meat very often for dinner either" he said he had noticed and it was fine. I said, "What if I stopped cooking it altogether?"



And then came the response I didn't expect...

"Well, you're in charge of it all so if you don't want to cook it then don't"



Never in a million years would i have expected him to react that well! So once the meat we have is gone (which isn't much...I think there's enough for him maybe 4-5 dinners in the freezer) the house is going to be completely vegetarian. Only because I know he's not ready to give up cheese, milk, and eggs yet. I'm trying to bring the change on slowly lol.



Man, I'm still in SHOCK. Alex, though I love him, honestly has never been good with change or with many things "alternative" so I'm just in awe right now.
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#25 Old 03-10-2009, 08:40 AM
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Well now this is just very happy news! You've got a great guy there.



Now get thee off to your cookery books and become a first class vegan chef!!!!!! I bet if you left out all eggs/cheese and whatever from your cooking, he would not even notice if your cooking is wholesome, delicious and varied. There are so many fantastic vegan recipes out there!



(Because the day will come soon when you will feel the same about cooking eggs and cheese and stuff like you feel about meat right now. One day, you will not be able to handle it either.)
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#26 Old 03-10-2009, 08:42 AM
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Wow, that's great news! I'm so happy for you!
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#27 Old 03-10-2009, 08:43 AM
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Well now this is just very happy news! You've got a great guy there.



Now get thee off to your cookery books and become a first class vegan chef!!!!!! I bet if you left out all eggs/cheese and whatever from your cooking, he would not even notice if your cooking is wholesome, delicious and varied. There are so many fantastic vegan recipes out there!



(Because the day will come soon when you will feel the same about cooking eggs and cheese and stuff like you feel about meat right now. One day, you will not be able to handle it either.)



That makes complete sense, that one day I'll feel the same about them too. So maybe I should just go ahead and get rid of them. I think my biggest shock with this is that he is VERY particular about his tacos. I don't know what it is about his darn tacos but he wants a certain taco seasoning and he wants ground beef (I've tried TVP, mixes, etc etc and he said NO WAY) and then cheese and tomato. He's always been very stern about it. But I guess he'll just have to deal with my yummy black beans tacos
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#28 Old 03-10-2009, 08:45 AM
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Okay so a little update! Alex called me to tell me that he went to McDonald's this morning and he was going to get a bacon egg and cheese biscuit but decided to leave off the bacon. He was so excited and told me that I should be proud of him. I definitely think he's at least starting to try a little bit.



Anyways so I took this as the perfect opportunity to bring up this whole subject. I would rather have talked about it in person...but I figured that if he got mad and yelled I could always put the phone away from my ear and not listen to him whereas face to face I would have to deal with it. So I said, "I don't know if you've noticed but I haven't been cooking you meat very often for dinner either" he said he had noticed and it was fine. I said, "What if I stopped cooking it altogether?"



And then came the response I didn't expect...

"Well, you're in charge of it all so if you don't want to cook it then don't"



Never in a million years would i have expected him to react that well! So once the meat we have is gone (which isn't much...I think there's enough for him maybe 4-5 dinners in the freezer) the house is going to be completely vegetarian. Only because I know he's not ready to give up cheese, milk, and eggs yet. I'm trying to bring the change on slowly lol.



Man, I'm still in SHOCK. Alex, though I love him, honestly has never been good with change or with many things "alternative" so I'm just in awe right now.



This is good to hear. Although I think the one thing that should be kept up front too, is that these talks may not always have such a great outcome. I'm sure others in the coming months will read this thread, I hope they keep that in mind. My fiance and kids still like their meat and such, and for the most part I either don't cook it, or do very rarely. Luckily for me, they have been very open to trying new meat free foods. Now, mmy mother in laws takes care of cooking the meat for them The days she cooks, I just make my own food and try not to breathe through my nose :P
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#29 Old 03-10-2009, 08:49 AM
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Originally Posted by Chrilynhawk View Post

That makes complete sense, that one day I'll feel the same about them too. So maybe I should just go ahead and get rid of them. I think my biggest shock with this is that he is VERY particular about his tacos. I don't know what it is about his darn tacos but he wants a certain taco seasoning and he wants ground beef (I've tried TVP, mixes, etc etc and he said NO WAY) and then cheese and tomato. He's always been very stern about it. But I guess he'll just have to deal with my yummy black beans tacos



That's funny. My husband always cooks when we have tacos just to give me a break. And because it's something he can handle. Last night he tasted my chickpea taco and said in a surprised voice how good it tasted.
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#30 Old 03-10-2009, 08:52 AM
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What are these chickpea tacos of which you speak? I have chickpeas so I need to know lol
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