So here's my issue, that I'd like your opinions on:



My fiance and i have never had issues with each other's eating habits. He is a big meat-eater, and I'm a vegetarian/trying to go vegan. That's how it's always been...going on 2 years now. He eats what he wants, I eat what I want. These last two weeks, however, he has been commenting on the fact that I don't cook for him (in a "you're the female, you should cook" kind of way). I've NEVER been the kind of woman that does ALL the housework and cooking (I work 80 hour weeks, compared to his 45 hour workweeks), but to be nice, I decided to look into cooking, and found many meals that I would be willing to make, that we both could eat. For instance, a bean casserole would have the beans for the protein he wants, but would still be something that I could eat as well. I brought it up to him today, thinking he would be proud of me for my effort to cook. He was happy with my suggestion, but added on that he was going to cook a meat product for him as well whenever I cook, because he "has to eat meat at each meal" (although I have seen him eat meals without meat before).



Now, I have no problem with him heating up some meat, if that's what he wants, but he is talking about making a meat "side-meal" when I cook! I don't cook meals if it's just for me. I eat veggie pitas, brown rice, microwavable meatless patties, etc., and have no need to cook any of my meals on a stove nor in an oven. I would be doing this for him. I got very upset when he said this to me, stating that it's insultive to me that he would cook a meal on the same night that I would cook him a meal, because my bean casserole wouldn't be "good enough" for a MAN to eat for a meal. Who cares if there is no meat in it? I would only be cooking 2 nights a week (remember, I work 80 hour weeks), so what's wrong with beans being a man's source of nutrition twice a week? Should I be as insulted as I am? He says that my making non-meat meals on the days that I would cook is me trying to force him to be a vegetarian. I have never pushed my eating selection on him! Am I overreacting? And if not, how do I deal with this without being argumentative?

Just say No!

If it doesn't bother you from a psychological or ethical position regarding the meat, let him cook his side-meal and then he has nothing to complain about and if he's reasonable there should be no grounds for argument.






I just can't imagine my partner ever making a suggestion like that to me, but if he ever did, especially if I was working double the hours he was, I'd tell him to get real or get lost.

I might have explained that part wrong, sorry; Him eating meat is not an issue. I don't mind that at all. I just don't want to go out of my way to cook a meal that MY diet does not require if he's going to cook himself a meal that he would have cooked anyhow, whether I cooked or not...again, he's not talking about just heating up already cooked meat from the fridge. He's talking about a second MEAL. In other words, I make bean casserole in the oven, and he makes sausage jumbalaya on the stove while my casserole is cooking. It feels like wasted energy on my part just so that he feels like I'm more "female-roled", esp since my meal won't even be satisfying to him. I want to find a way to make him understand that it's not mandatory that he eat meat at each meal, but that if he chooses to do that, then he needs to just heat up some meat (not insult me by making a whole meal), or he needs to stop complaining about me not cooking for him. I don't want to cook something I can't eat, and I also don't want to cook a meal if he's going to "supplement" it with another. And, on top of it, I don't want this to be a continuous argument over whether or not I'll use meat. Does that make more sense?

And you put up with this sexist attitude?



Tell him to go **** himself.

And you put up with this sexist attitude? What's next on his agenda? He's going to expect you to iron his clothes?



Tell him to go **** himself.

Sounds kinda hard but total agree!

LOL...funny that you should say that...he actually said that too. I guess what irks me is that we never had the "you're female, I'm male" issue until these last few weeks. That's been the only issue between us. In our initial arguement (two weeks ago), he said "(previous comments in arguement not entered)...you don't do anything for me. You don't do my laundry, you don't iron my work shirts, you don't cook for me...(arguement continues)". I blew it all off as him just rambling because he had been drinking some, which he doesn't usually do. But then it's as if it opened the thought in his head, and he started mentioning it later in the week as well. I wasn't going to go into that part, but since it was noted........we never had that problem. It's ALWAYS been 50/50...except I do clean more often than him. But it's always been he cooks his food, I cook mine. He does his laundry, I do mine. He pays his bills, I pay mine. He pays for his food, I pay for mine. It's always been a 50/50 relationship until now. I'm not sure if it's going in a problematic direction, or if he's just stressed over work, but anyhow, it's just funny that you said that. But we all have our problems in relationships. I'm just trying to work on one at a time! LOL...first one to tackle, the cooking!!



How do you suggest I approach this without sounding like I'm attacking him for wanting meat in his food?? I really do want to work on it with him...I don't think this is enough of a problem to leave him over...but it does need to be settled now so that it doesn't grow into a bigger problem down the road!!!

He sounds very sexiest.You work 80 hours a week compared to his 45hrs.He has more time on his hands to do the things he needs to do.My husband can cook ,iron and wash his own clothes which he happily does.Now i work 19hrs and he works 40 per week,I cook on the days i'm off for him(not weekends)and wash his clothes but no ironing.If you don't want to cook meat for him don't,he entered this relationship with you knowing what the deal was.I agree he should be able to eat a hearty veggie meal with no problems,heck he could always get something to eat out at lunch time,like my OH does.My OH wouldn't eat too many veggie meals he's too fussy,some nights he'll have grilled cheese but may have had a burger and fries out at lunch time.I can't change him and he can't change me, its called give and take.



just tell him you are happy for him to cook some meat to go beside your dish,or he is welcome to eat what you have prepared but in no circumstances will you cook it for him as it goes against your beliefs.Reassure him you are in no way trying to convert him,just you couldn't bare the thought of cooking meat



If all else fails let him cook his seperate dish and let bygones be bygones

Sounds like a complicated issue, and you should definitely have a long talk with your fiance about it.



I understand that your fiance has never mentioned any of this before, but are you sure that he hasn't had those traditionalist views before? It's not difficult to conceal your deeper beliefs for a while, but I'm guessing that if you refer to him as "my fiancé", you're planning on getting married soon? Maybe now that your relationship is getting more serious, he has realised that he doesn't feel comfortable within your former 50/50 arrangement. Another thought is that somebody else has suggested this to him (friends? family?), and it's made him more insecure about his role.



Speaking of which, another thing to consider would be his male ego and his perception of his own role in your relationship. Everything you say sounds very rational, and I do agree with you that it sounds like he's being unreasonable. That's exactly what makes me think that his real issue lies with how he feels about himself in a non-rational (not irrational) way, so maybe try exploring the emotional side of this? Already, if you're working almost double the hours he is, and you're as independent as you sound, the more traditional model of the strong male partner is shaken to the core by your mere presence. That doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong, and it doesn't mean he's doing anything wrong, either. Gender roles can be very strong and deeply rooted, and sometimes fulfilment of these roles can be equated with love and respect by some (not that that is in any way healthy). What models did he have with his family? Do you know if his any of his friends are questioning him about the status of your relationship? It can be hard, if one of his friends is boasting about his own wife/gf "taking care of her man" and your fiance can't answer back with a similar story.



I think you should have a talk about this. If you can be honest with each, and stay calm and loving, I'm sure you can work this out. Make sure that what you say doesn't sound accusative, aggressive or defensive, and assure him you love him and you want him to be happy, while asserting that you want yourself to be happy, too.



I asked my bf (also meat-eater) about any advice he might have, and he said that he thought the bean casserole wasn't a good idea. Now, in my mind, that sounds delicious, and my bf usually eats anything I put in front of him and likes it very much, but he insisted that if you're going to feed a meat-eater, it's probably better to cook something more familiar, and something that might be traditionally vegetarian as well, such as (his examples) macaroni and cheese, chili (with soya mince), ratatouille, pasta with tomato sauce, omelettes, etc. You can also ask him what he wants, and work from there. Personally, I would view this as an opportunity to expand my culinary horizons and to share this experience with my partner. Make sure to let him know that you're doing this out of love for him, not out of obligation of any kind, and you expect appreciation for it.



Good luck!

MAZIKEEN--



Thank you for your help! And tell your bf thank you too! It's always good to hear an unbiased point of view from BOTH sides, so I'm glad you got his opinion as well. Maybe part of it WAS that he's not into bean casserole and that meal sent negative ideas to him on the whole idea...I'll ask my fiance about other meal choices...



As far as the way we are raised, you're right. He is much older than me (I'm his "hot young arm candy" everyone says...he's 43 and I'm 26...but besides these few issues I've brought up in this thread, we are surprisingly very compatible!). The age does play a role in it, though...his ex-wife and ex-girlfriend would cook and clean for him (although his ex-wife stopped working by her own choice and stayed home while shopping him into debt), but he has always known since we met, that I am not cut out for being a stay-at-home housewife. I love my job and I love working as much as I do (the more I work the more I get paid, and paid well i might add, and I don't like spending other people's money)...but I also like relaxing and not having to work any more than I have to when I get home...maybe his ideas on being okay with that are changing...I'll have to look into that as well.



Oh, and thanks for the recipe ideas!!!!

Glad to have helped.

oops somehow double posted.

oh, dear. if you work almost double what he works he should be doing all the cooking. he could make his meals ahead of time and freeze them and then you could "cook" it for him. Sorry if I sound mean but that is how I feel. I was blessed with a man who will cook for me thank god.

I'm going to be 100% real with you and not sugar coat anything (because sometimes there's certain things that people can't see themselves)...



If this dude is working less, not paying your bills, requesting you make him something that doesn't even align with your ethical/eating habits, unappreciative and picky about it, way older than you and the most important is SEXIST... he really needs to be kicked to the curb. This guy should be kissing YOUR ass. He's got some cute 26 year old working more hours AND being too overly nice to him by accepting his bull****. I think he sounds like a user, to be honest with you. A lot of times, you have to be careful when it comes to dating older men. Many times older men will date younger females because they feel they will automatically have the upper hand and be the dominant one. And on top of that, he's even expressed that he feels you should be cooking, cleaning and etc for him, unequally. (Just to be clear, I'm not saying that all relations with older men are like this, for example I'm dating a guy 12 years older than myself, but that such is common place).



The only person who could ask me to cook and clean for him would be someone paying ALL my bills before he even dare ask me something so damn crazy. You don't owe him anything.



As for the sexism, what would you think if a white person asked their black spouse to clean and cook for them simply because it's a black person's role? That would be crazy and offensive right? The same should apply to this situation. It's absolutely offensive anyone would tell their loved one that they have a certain role in life due to their sex. The people who love you should be telling you that you can do anything in this world, that you should never be resigned, destined or stuck to one thing, not that you have certain roles and duties and that you should be obligated to do something for them. Would you want any other girl or woman to think they have certain roles in life? If not, why allow such treatment for yourself? He's selfish and an ass, you deserve much, much better.

Ditto! And I'm old. I've seen it all. When you are 40, he will be 57. When you are 50, he will be 67. You are almost different generations. Sometimes that can work, but not if your ethics are different and he is already a sexist and has been for many years. I also like the thought - tell him to get real or get lost. This is YOUR time of life. You love work, you would like some down time, and he expects you to work more.

Also, he is too young to have expected his wife and ex gf to do all of the housework for him. It sounds like he needs the 'I am not your mother' talk at the very least, but more likely it is time to slip out the back, jack...

Totally

Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, get some premarital counseling before you marry this guy... It seems like he might have some underlying personality traits that are only know just coming out... Please know what you're getting into.

I would tell the guy that HE should be the one cooking, considering how you work twice as much as him so he therefore has more time on his hands! It really does sound like he is sexist. But I will give him the benefit of the doubt and say maybe this is just his misguided way of saying he wants the two of you to do things together more, like eat the same meal together. Maybe tell him you would enjoy to eat the same meal together more often and you would enjoy cooking for him once a week if he does the same in return for you (even if he has to buy you some takeout food if he can't cook). If he refuses to reciprocate then he really is a sexist jerk. It's not that hard to make a veggie meal. Even my omnivore boyfriend can make vegan food, and his cooking skills before meeting me consisted of boiling water for pasta, or microwaving frozen food. Good luck!

Are you like a psychology student or something?

I don't know if I'd be insulted if he made a separate meal. My bf does this on occasion and it doesn't bother me. I eat some of the veggies he's cooked with his meat (not that I expect everyone to do this, but I do, and it makes him feel like he's providing for me), and he eats some of my food, too.



As far as you working more then him, maybe you should just flat out TELL him (in a nice way) that you are feeling over-worked. It might take a few talks on the matter to really figure it all out. Sometimes guys don't realize how LITTLE they're actually doing to help out.



Also, I know I am a perfectionist and tend to want things done MY way RIGHT NOW. So I end up doing a lot of things, and I know I need to work on that.

If my bf came and said that to me I'd honestly laugh in his face and tell him to man up and go make himself a sandwich. I don't run a restaurant. He can eat what I'm making or have a bowl of cereal for all I care.



That said, I don't put mushrooms into his food, or tomato pieces, and I keep eggplant to a minimum. I also don't force him to eat winter squash in large pieces. I respect his food preferences and he respects the fact that I cook vegan food and that I am not comfortable dealing with meat and doesn't ask me to. He appreciates that I prepare delicious homemade dinners for him and eats them happily.

thats what i was thinking.

I know this won't be too helpful but my first thought when I read this was...how awful he has two broken arms.



I would tell him he is more than welcome to hire a maid.






This isn't always true. The man I've been dating for over two years is 15 years older than me. He's 60 and was brought up in a household where the wife does all the household chores, even if she works and the man is the king. But he has never and would never treat me like that. We don't live together but when we do have dinner at home either he cooks or we cook ONE vegan (he isn't vegan) meal together. The same goes for cleaning and he works much longer hours than I do.



He watched his mother be a slave to his father and said he would never do that to a woman and as far as I know he hasn't. So it can't be completely blamed on the way they are raised. I think part of it is a control issue and part of it is probably laziness.

maybe something has happened? Like a comment from a friend, work pal, family member or just some other indirect outer influence that has made him get the general idea that you're the woman and need to be serving him foot to mouth. Specially since it seems to be a new thing, but then again (NOT saying this is what he is) but all wife beaters are nice in the beginning...

I didn't read this whole thread but....**** if I would be going through the trouble of making a 'good enough' meal for someone who thinks I should be cooking for them (when they are perfectly capable of doing so themselves) just because I'm female. And you work twice the hours of him!?!? I wouldn't even be posting a thread about this if I was you. He seems really sexist and I wouldn't reward that behavior, or put up with it.

You know that when Chelsea swears it must be bad.