Dad is Driving Me Nuts. Hooray for Holiday Visits! - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 11-26-2008, 02:00 AM
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Let me preface that I my family, its just hard to stand them in large amounts.



My dad is visiting. I love my dad. He's been here since Saturday and will be here until Saturday morning after Thanksgiving. We're 4 days into a one week visit. Now, my mother is a junkie and I've cut ties with her so there's no parental support there so I rely on my dad for all of it. However, all he does is play video games and watch tv. I'm not exaggerating, he quit his job in 2002 when I was away at college and hasn't worked since. In doing so, he stopped paying my college credit card without telling me which has left a mark on my credit report, but that's another story. So he's been out of work for 6 years, at first I fought with him about it (fought doesn't look spelled right?) but we got past it. Now though, he's not looking for work at all, doesn't have any money, lives with my grandmother and literally plays videogames in his room and watches tv all day and all night. He doesn't shower unless he's going out to eat with her, and doesn't brush his teeth. So now his teeth are gross and he smells. This coming from the cleanest person I knew growing up.



So he's visiting me. He brought his computer and set up shop in my guest room and has been *****ing to me about the internet being too slow at my house for his game, the lack of meat I'm feeding him, why I'm not married yet, why aren't I married yet, I should be saving more money, I should be wearing slippers in the house (seriously, my house, and I'm 24). He's driving me nuts. And he smells and I'm pretty sure his teeth need to be pulled. That, and his conversations consist of video games or putting me down.



Last time he visited, he came up to take me to the doctor during my whole colitis thing as I needed a driver for the anesthesia for the colonoscopy, and I yelled at him afterword for making fun of me for not feeling good after the procedure. So he got really mad at me and said something like 'jump down my fing throat why don't you' and didn't talk to me for a day. Last time I tried to bring up the whole not working, what's he going to do when grandma dies, why don't you go to the dentist thing, the same thing happened. I've tried every way I know of to talk to him and he won't listen.



He's supposed to meet Brian's (my other half's) family tomorrow for thanksgiving. I'm nervous. He puts me down a lot and makes bad jokes (like, sexual bad jokes, not not-funny jokes) or jokes about my health (the colitis namely, which is NOT FUNNY). I think he's gotten kinda perverted since this videogame addiction. He comments at the Cialis commercials and it just makes everyone uncomfortable.



So what the hell do I do. I'm crying now just writing this out. I do love my dad and he's the only parent I have, and given that he didn't talk to me for a month after the Christmas I yelled at him for quitting his job, I just don't know what to do. I don't want Brian's parents to hate him, and I don't want him to tell them personal things like I often crap blood or crashed the car when I was 17 going to see a secret boyfriend in Philly. I also really wish he'd get a job and go to the friggin dentist. So do I just deal with it and hope I don't get visits very often, do I risk talking to him and him writing me off again, or what.



edit: I'm an idiot with a back button and put this in the wrong section. As much as I feel like this is a health issue sometimes as I'm losing my mind, can someone super nice move it for me <3 <3.
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#2 Old 11-26-2008, 02:12 AM
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Why are you inviting someone over to your house that makes you feel bad or are embarrassed by? Kick him out. Now.



'He's my Dad and I love him' is allowing him to treat you like a welcome mat. Stop allowing this and kick him out. Limit your contact with him to short visits that are pleasant for you. You don't owe anybody anything.
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#3 Old 11-26-2008, 02:24 AM
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I've considered that. I think I fear losing the last bit of family I have. If I kick him out, that's it. Daughter no more. He does give me dad sage advise on the phone a fair amount... before the videogame ramblings of course.



Is there a way I can convince him to show some respect without kicking him out of my life all together?
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#4 Old 11-26-2008, 02:25 AM
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Your dad sounds like he's depressed. I know you can't force him to seek counseling, but maybe it would be beneficial to find a counselor yourself to help you deal with all this mess. I wouldn't worry about "losing" him, it seems to me like he's pouting, because he doesn't want to be challenged or have to change. However, you don't have to keep getting hurt because of this.



I'm very sorry you're going through this.
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#5 Old 11-26-2008, 02:42 AM
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aww that's horrible.

I don't really know what to say other than, be strong. Ask him nicely not to say these things about you as you feel it's disrespectful and hurtful too. Remind him that he might be your father but he is a guest in your house and needs to act accordingly. Maybe have your other half warn his parents, tell them that your father might say some awkward things and how uncomfortable it makes you feel.



When he's left you might try and just handle one issue at a time, like say that you're worried about him and that he should have a full health check up. In the end there's only so much you can do, after all he is the parent, and the days of kids taking on their elder and sickly are over in the western society.



Or you could always try and speak to your gran



I'm sorry I don't have anything truly constructive to say
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#6 Old 11-26-2008, 03:08 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nykoelle View Post

I've considered that. I think I fear losing the last bit of family I have. If I kick him out, that's it. Daughter no more. He does give me dad sage advise on the phone a fair amount... before the videogame ramblings of course.



Is there a way I can convince him to show some respect without kicking him out of my life all together?



You can't change your Dad. Sorry, but thats the sad truth. Al you can do is change how you interact with him.



What you can do is set your boundaries of how you engage with him. You don't need to kick him out of your life, just out of your house. In the future, just meet up with him once a month for an hour in a local park or pub or something. Keep contact but keep it at a distance.
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#7 Old 11-26-2008, 04:02 AM
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Falafel I see where you're going. I think I'm going to keep him at a distance for a while, and just do the visiting myself, when I can go on my own terms when he drives me nuts (a half hour local doesn't work as he's not local). you're right I can't change him.



I appreciate you guys listening to me ***** about this, its been on my chest for years and I'm dreading holidays anymore heh. I do think I am going to take your advice and have Brian talk to his folks, sort of warn them that he might not come (i might ask him to go home, I'm undecided), or at least to warn them he's sort of... eccentric? Thank god they're nice people
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#8 Old 11-26-2008, 05:15 AM
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Wow, you're a strong woman. I'm impressed. I feel so bad for your father. I really hope he gets the help he needs somehow. Is your grandmother able to work with you all to get him some help?



From what you wrote, I would predict your dinner with Brian's parents will include some bad jokes and stories or comments about your personal life that you don't want revealed. How well do you know your BF's parents? Can they handle it? If you all do end up having dinner together, somebody definitely needs to talk to them beforehand so they don't become uncomfortable. Surely they will understand that your father is having a serious problem. But it sounds like in any case, it will be an interesting dinner, and stressful for you. But if you decide that it is important that your father be there, well, then that's the way it is. Surely they will understand that your father is having a serious problem, and you can roll your eyes when he gets out of line to take the stress off yourself. If you decide you can't handle it, or simply don't want to be stressed out for Thanksgiving dinner, then you will have to ask him to leave. If you decide that, then please don't have any regrets about it that will spoil your beautiful celebration.



What a tough situation. Family is so important, and it sounds like your father is suffering and is unable to pull himself out of the hole he's fallen into. But you can only do so much to help, and then you have to take care of yourself. Actually, maybe you should take care of yourself first, and then do what you can to help.



It sounds like a very tough choice, figuring out whether it is more important to include your beloved family member who is having serious problems right now, and nurturing yourself by allowing yourself to have a relaxed celebration dinner with people you care about. The only thing I can say (and I could be wrong) is that you probably should not count on an uneventful dinner if your father is there. But someday it will be a memory.



Good luck! Enjoy your holiday! Take care of yourself.

"Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity." Â George Carlin
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#9 Old 11-26-2008, 06:59 PM
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I talked to Brian, he said he'll talk to his parents a bit.



I tried to talk to my dad and he yelled at me. It went something like, 'Could you please not bring up the colitis thing at dinner?' and then he said something like 'I haven't brought it the f up, even though I'm just trying to bring fing humor to it' to which i said i don't find it funny and don't want people to know, he said 'well get of my fing back'



so i left the room and went to bed. argh.



needless to say, he's coming to dinner out of respect for bri's parents (they've been pressing to meet him since last thanksgiving) but he's uninvited for a while until he apologizes. There's only so much I can do to help. I'm hoping that he has taken the hint and it will be relatively calm. If not... I think Bri's parents are understanding enough. They're good people.



It feels good to talk this out though, been driving me nuts
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#10 Old 11-27-2008, 05:13 AM
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It sounds like you need to just take care of yourself because your dad doesn't care at all. People who care, who love you, don't make an effort to hurt you like he does. If I were you, I would have a face to face with him just once so that you can feel good hereafter about how you've handled this. And rehearse it to yourself several times so that when you nail him with it, it can flow out of you with as little hesitation as possible. Tell him that he makes you feel like crap all the time because..................., and give him several reasons. Then tell him that because of this you need to limit the time that you will spend with him even though you care about him because he is your dad. He'll probably bad mouth you and be abusive again but if you are prepared for it, it shouldn't bother you as much. And then walk away and don't get into an arguement with him.



All our lives, we see ourselves in roles; I am a good mother, I am a good daughter, I am a loving daughter, I am a faithful friend... and we figure that good "whatevers" will happily take all kinds of crap because they are good. But your goal in life really is to find and/or spread happiness and this man is not bringing any joy to your life so ask yourself why you are playing this role. You need to disconnect from the role that you are playing I think, for your own good and for the future good of any children that you might have. Picture yourself making the kind of excuses that you would have to, to your children about their grandfather, or soothing their hurt feelings because he said something hurtful and cruel to your little sweetheart. Sounds to me like you really need to consider major changes here.
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#11 Old 11-27-2008, 07:25 AM
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If you love your Dad, 'warts and all', then why does he need to do anything about his 'warts?'
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#12 Old 11-27-2008, 02:32 PM
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For one thing, I would issue some restrictions on languages in the house. There's NO reason for him to be cursing you out at the drop of a pin. Anyone who talked to me like that in my own home would be gone, instantly.
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#13 Old 11-28-2008, 04:56 AM
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I spoke with him again before dinner today, and he apologized for snapping at me, but he didn't like that I was trying to tell him what he could and could not do. So I told him nicely that I prefer he doesn't joke about my health or bring up any exes or anything to do with my mother. He said he thought it was funny, I just explained I didn't think so.



Dinner tonight went well though, he behaved for the most part and talked sports mostly. He made fun of me a bit, and if it was leading in a bad direction I changed the subject but for the most part it was lighthearted and everyone got along.



So far as not loving his warts go, etc, just because you love someone doesn't mean you love their actions. I love my other half Brian very very much, I don't love that he smokes. I wish he'd quit, which he is trying to do on his own, but smoker or not he's still my Brian. Same with my dad, I love him, I just wish he'd get a job and support himself and get out of this funk. Its frustrating because he's going to destroy himself. Its almost as bad as a drug habit.



But for now, we've got the putdowns under wraps. Baby steps I suppose.
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