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#1 Old 11-10-2003, 12:56 AM
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So as a lot of you know, My boyfriend moved to OK for school. When he got down there we were both upset, he suggested that next year when his lease was up That I move down there. We would get our own apartment and I could go to school also.

Well some stuff happened at the place he was living. The school set up these apts for students to live in and they had said some things that weren't right. Anyhow he got out of his lease, and today his parents got down there and moved him into a new apartment.

I had told him I would move down in Jan. After Christmas and all that, since he has a longer break and we could drive back together. So here is my problem, How do I tell my parents? I mean I have mentioned it to them (mostly my mom)but don't know how to tell them I am serious and that I want to move then. I would also really like them to help me move but I know that they can't afford it. I am really close to my family and leaving them is going to be so hard, but I want to be with my boyfriend. I quess they are expecting this and I talked to my aunt one day and she said her and my grandma have been talking about how I am about to 'fly the coop'
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#2 Old 11-10-2003, 02:21 AM
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um......





Tell your parents you are thinging about moving in January, but haven't decided completely ?



This will give them the chance to adapt to the idea ?
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#3 Old 11-10-2003, 03:22 AM
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Sit them down and just tell them how much you love him and you miss him. The tell them you want to move to OK. Where in OK. will you be?
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#4 Old 11-10-2003, 09:27 AM
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I'll probably get slapped for this, but the truth is that I wouldn't move somewhere for a man. Not before I had gone to college myself and established my own life and career. Personally, I think that your best move would be to go to school somewhere yourself. Let HIM make the decision to move for YOU.



In the long run, it is most like that, if you move, the relationship won't work out and you'll be living in OK. I don't know your situation, but that is the reality of life.



If you knew that this was a strong possibility, would you still move? If you knew that , one year from today, you would be in OK alone, would you move? In order for women to be strong, they need to be able to make decisions that are not based on what a relationship demands or what a man would like, but rather on what would work out best for them in the end.



Your boyfriend, if he really loved you and wanted to preserve your relationship, could have done several things:



1) gone to school closer to you

2) made a commitment to you before leaving, such as proposed and given you an engagement ring.



He did what worked out best for him. This is what men do, mostly. You need to find your life without him for yourself. Then, if things between you work out, great. If not, you aren't stuck in OK somewhere alone with nothing to show for it all.
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#5 Old 11-10-2003, 09:40 AM
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i agree with equipro in sentiment, and if you have already thought these things through, then you should just tell your parents your decision. part of being an adult is not being afraid of what our parents will think when we make decisions.
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#6 Old 11-10-2003, 10:42 AM
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Moving to be with your boyfriend is a big risk. Sometimes the risk is worth it sometimes it is not. Listen to your heart. You're old enough to make these decisions on your own and smart enough to find your way out of any problems that might arise. Especially since you are close to your family, which is something not everyone has the luxury of.

Plus, who's to say that this move wont be the best thing you've ever done?

Since your family already suspects you might be leaving, I'd just casually bring up that he has moved into his new place sooner than expected and wants to know if you'll join him. Then a day or two later, I'd sit them down and let them know your decision. Tell them how much you love them and that you'll miss them, but you really feel moving to OK is what you need to do. Hopefully they will understand and be supportive.

Good luck Starr! He had better have a computer waiting for you when you get there!
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#7 Old 11-10-2003, 12:11 PM
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he's lucky you can move down there with him! that is a big step, obviously, but no one can question your relationship...



as for telling your parents, i hear ya on that one. i dont know what to tell you other than just tell them the truth.



i dont think your bf is being selfish or anything at all. yeah it would have bee nice had he proposed or something but just because he didn't no one should assume his loyalty and love for you isnt real.



people have to pursue their personal goals, so eventually you guys can work on mutual ones toether. i'm going to school away from my bf. i'm lucky cause i get to see him most weekends.



it sounds like your family is pretty tight knit. mine is too. but my parents are used to their kids moving ross country .often! but theres a big chance i might move to nyc with my bf next year after i graduate and they might be a little weird about that. so yeah, just be honest with them. it's not like you're going well, corss country or overseas...
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#8 Old 11-10-2003, 12:56 PM
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I'll probably get slapped for this, but the truth is that I wouldn't move somewhere for a man. Not before I had gone to college myself and established my own life and career. Personally, I think that your best move would be to go to school somewhere yourself. Let HIM make the decision to move for YOU.



In the long run, it is most like that, if you move, the relationship won't work out and you'll be living in OK. I don't know your situation, but that is the reality of life.



If you knew that this was a strong possibility, would you still move? If you knew that , one year from today, you would be in OK alone, would you move? In order for women to be strong, they need to be able to make decisions that are not based on what a relationship demands or what a man would like, but rather on what would work out best for them in the end.



Your boyfriend, if he really loved you and wanted to preserve your relationship, could have done several things:



1) gone to school closer to you

2) made a commitment to you before leaving, such as proposed and given you an engagement ring.



He did what worked out best for him. This is what men do, mostly. You need to find your life without him for yourself. Then, if things between you work out, great. If not, you aren't stuck in OK somewhere alone with nothing to show for it all.



stick to the topic, she asked about advice on how to tell her parents without them freaking, not on whether this was a good idea or not. It is also nice of you to make judgement on their relationship and her beau's selfishness, when you know nothing about them. pffft.









Starr, tell them he moved sooner than you thought and you will be able to move down there sooner than you planned. Let them know you will have a phone and will be able to talk to them all the time, but you are growing up and need to go out into the world and do your thing.



I have had to tell my mom several times that i was moving to someplace else, she worries and wanted me to stay, but she knows i got to go. Its all her fault anyway, moving us around all the time when we were kids. Now I cant seem to stop moving, but she understands, i'm sure your parents will too. After all, they had to do the same thing when they were younger, though maybe they didnt move as far.
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#9 Old 11-10-2003, 02:15 PM
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Well, 3 years ago I quit my job and moved to another state to be with a man. Now we're happily married and expecting our first child, so things couldn't be better, IMO!



I agree, Equipro, that relationships must involve a give & take, and it sounds to me like Morningstar and her BF have talked this out and are both content with this arrangement.



MS, I am one of those "honesty is the best policy" people. And the sooner you tell them, the better, because then they have some time to get used to the idea, before you actually pack your bags. They may be sad/upset at first, but this is what they have raised you to be -- an adult who can go out into the world and make her own decisions. Good luck!
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#10 Old 11-10-2003, 02:24 PM
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stick to the topic, she asked about advice on how to tell her parents without them freaking, not on whether this was a good idea or not. It is also nice of you to make judgement on their relationship and her beau's selfishness, when you know nothing about them. pffft.



Whatever



I've met a lot of young women who regret moving somewhere for a guy instead of taking care of themselves first. And as for telling her parents, I guess it depends on whether or not she expects them to pay for the move and to help support her, doesn't it? If she's an adult, makes her own money, is going to pay for the whole thing herself and take responsibility for it herself, then she really doesn't need anyone's permission. Perhaps, however, she's hoping that the parents will pay for the move, support her, and such, and in that case she has to "handle" it carefully? I don't know.



All I know is that "love" is a lot different for men and women, and, in case you haven't noticed, it's usually the women who are the ones who sacrifice their lives and their futures for "the relationship", often getting screwed in the end.



I never said that he beau was anything. What I SAID was that I wouldn't move somewhere based on a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship unless I had an education and a job. I said that the most important thing for a woman is to take care of herself FIRST and then to worry about some man and some relationship. It's pretty appearent, don't you think, that the other party in this relationship cares less about the relationship than in doing what works out best for him? If she moves, she sacrifices her whole life as she knows it - friends, family, etc. for him and the relationship, then she is doing more. Did he do this for her? No, he went to school away from her because that was what was important to him. He can say how much he loves her, how much he misses her, and how much he wants the relationship, but the truth of the matter is that he is the one that choose to move away to go to school. There are plenty of good educational institutions in every state in the country, and he chose one in another state, over being close to her and their relationship.



BTW, the last that I checked, this was a free country and I could say anything that I damn well please.
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#11 Old 11-10-2003, 02:37 PM
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I never said that he beau was anything. What I SAID was that I wouldn't move somewhere based on a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship unless I had an education and a job. I said that the most important thing for a woman is to take care of herself FIRST and then to worry about some man and some relationship. It's pretty appearent, don't you think, that the other party in this relationship cares less about the relationship than in doing what works out best for him? If she moves, she sacrifices her whole life as she knows it - friends, family, etc. for him and the relationship, then she is doing more. Did he do this for her? No, he went to school away from her because that was what was important to him. He can say how much he loves her, how much he misses her, and how much he wants the relationship, but the truth of the matter is that he is the one that choose to move away to go to school. There are plenty of good educational institutions in every state in the country, and he chose one in another state, over being close to her and their relationship.



i wont get into this here cause i do not know their relationship, nor do I know why he choose that school over one closer. Maybe they BOTH agreed that he go to that school rather than some other school. Simply we do not know, and yet you imply him as being selfish and only looking out for himself. That simply might be the best and closest school that is offering him what he need to make THEIR(as a couple) life better. OK might even be where Starr wanted to move, maybe OK was all her idea, do you know this? no you dont.



Quote:
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BTW, the last that I checked, this was a free country and I could say anything that I damn well please.



check again, this is the US. There are laws on what we can say and when we can say it.
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#12 Old 11-10-2003, 02:38 PM
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Moving is an adventure.. if it doesn't work out she can always move back.



Why would staying put be best for Starr? Living in the same area your whole life is boring. (imo)
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#13 Old 11-10-2003, 02:46 PM
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stick to the topic, she asked about advice on how to tell her parents without them freaking, not on whether this was a good idea or not.

Excellent point! I got ahead of myself and offered advice about the move too. You're right. That wasn't what she was asking about.

So, let's all stick to the topic at hand and not offer any advice on other stuff unless Starr requests it.
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#14 Old 11-10-2003, 02:48 PM
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Moving is an adventure.. if it doesn't work out she can always move back.



Why would staying put be best for Starr? Living in the same area your whole life is boring. (imo)



Good point!



Yes, there are fine educational institutions in every state, but not every educational institution is the same or offers the same programs. Without knowing both of them personally and knowing their relationship, I can't begin to say that he's being selfish because of the move. Maybe he's going to a school he can afford (perhaps got a good scholarship) and is thus looking out for both of them b/c he knows they won't be saddled with student loans later in life. Maybe the best program for his area of study is in OK and he feels that by getting the best possible education, he's looking out for their future. Maybe he is being selfish. I can't begin to say either way and besides, Starr didn't ask me to make that judgement.
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#15 Old 11-10-2003, 02:50 PM
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Starr



You are a such a sweetheart.. I hate that people are questioning your relationship in this thread... a big pfft to them seriously... only you know what that is... and hon...I know what South Dakota is like.. it is a lot like North Dakota and getting away from it is something I cannot wait to do... I envy you



hmmm how to tell them.. I guess I would mention it more... and within a few weeks, tell them you have reached a decision...
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#16 Old 11-10-2003, 03:22 PM
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There are laws on what we can say and when we can say it.



Let's see.....I didn't yell 'FIRE' in a crowded room.....I didn't purposely slander anyone in a way that it would affect their livelyhood....I didn't incite a riot....nope - I think that I'm free to say what I want under these circumstances.



Moving is great! Go for it Yea! Get out of SD! Have a wonderful life with your bf!



There, is that cheery enough for everyone!?!



As to her original question, the only way to go about things in a decent way is to tell the truth and let the chips fall. Of course, you can see what that gets you here.
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#17 Old 11-10-2003, 03:52 PM
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That may be the truth for the way you look at life.



The way I look at it is this.. it's a good opportunity for her. And her man seems to be a sweet guy from what she's said in the past.. so why not? It's not like she'll be stuck there forever if she hates it.
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#18 Old 11-10-2003, 04:01 PM
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I had told him I would move down in Jan. After Christmas and all that, since he has a longer break and we could drive back together. So here is my problem, How do I tell my parents? I mean I have mentioned it to them (mostly my mom)but don't know how to tell them I am serious and that I want to move then.



It seems that you and your B/F have been together for quite some time? You have a leg up if your parents see that you are serious about maintaining your relationship. I think your best chip to play would be to emphasize going to school and to downplay. "But I wanna move in with him *kicking and whining* puh-LEASE!!!!!!!!! I think you should go to your parents with a plan. Tell them exactly what you are going to do. The key is NOT asking for approval, tell them what you want. I'm assuming you are somewhere around the age of reason.. (over the age of 18?) Start taking action now, book a moving van, apply for school, financial aid, start collecting boxes. Then tell them flat out, I'm moving in with ____ in January. I have booked a moving van and this is what I plan on doing once I get there *state examples*



Are you more afraid of your parents disaproving of you "cohabiting" or moving to OK? Am I just reading too hard?



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Originally Posted by MorningStarr View Post

I would also really like them to help me move but I know that they can't afford it. I am really close to my family and leaving them is going to be so hard, but I want to be with my boyfriend. I quess they are expecting this and I talked to my aunt one day and she said her and my grandma have been talking about how I am about to 'fly the coop'



I think you should fund the move yourself... period... It's another bargaining chip on your side. Money is something your parents can hold over your head. Let your parents make the call whether or not they want to help you with the move. This is your relationship and your decision.



Living with someone is a weird adventure, it will change your relationship. It's not playing house. You'll laugh, You'll cry, You'll Fight, You'll pay bills.
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#19 Old 11-10-2003, 04:08 PM
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If Oklahoma is right for MorningStarr's blood type, I say go for it!
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#20 Old 11-10-2003, 04:12 PM
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Well, I can see equipros point in being caustios. (arg! can't spell!) There are many women who move to be with their bf's and end up being dumped soon after. There is nothing wrong with being caustios.



However, I agree with Marie that moving is an adventure. It is true that staying in the same place your entire life is boring. It is good to get out and explore. And, if you don't like it, you can move back. Period. Its good to live a little.



As for telling your parents, that can be tough. But, it will be hard to tell your parents you are moving far away no matter how old you are (well, in my experience anyways). Bottom line is that you need to just sit down and tell them. I have read some of your posts in the SFP threads and it seems like they are almost expecting you do this anyways. If this is true, then it shouldn't be THAT shocking to them.



It will be hard leaving them, but it will be hard leaving at any point in your life since you have such a close relationship with them. If you find that you miss them that much, maybe you and your bf can discuss moving back after you two are finished with school.



Good luck!
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#21 Old 11-10-2003, 04:15 PM
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If Oklahoma is right for MorningStarr's blood type, I say go for it!

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#22 Old 11-10-2003, 11:46 PM
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MorningStarr, I think you should tell your parents soon if you want to do this. Give them time to get used to the idea before you move. Some parents could take longer than others to get used to the idea than others, you'll just have to judge that based on how well you know your parents.



What EquiPro said does have relevance, IMHO. From personal experience, after moving cross-country from Utah to Massachusetts to live with my husband (I moved here a month after we were married), I know very well how this sort of situation goes. I wish I would have known then what I know now. If I did, things would have been much different.



Don't get me wrong, it's fine to move away from home to live with a significant other. When you do, just don't let your boyfriend become your only source of support--whether it be financially or emotionally. I know it sounds almost elementary, but it is important. Line up a job before you move there if you can, or get one asap, and get involved in things that interest you like, like church groups, volunteering, politics, school, meeting/chatting with your neighbors, etc. It helps to be able to pay for your own end of the bargain, like your half of the rent, utilities, your bills, etc. It also helps because you're able to make friends. Friends are always good.



I didn't do that right away and I was miserable for a long time. I let my happiness depend too much on my husband, which put too much pressure on him, which made for a lot of ugly arguments and stress in our relationship. To sum it up, I was homesick and wanted to blame him for it when I ultimately made the decision to be there. Not fair to him and not fair to me either--I was unhappy when I shouldn't have been.



I'm not saying that's how it will be for you, but I'm just sharing my story. Moving away from home, for whatever reason is a good thing. It's an amazing learning process. It helps you to grow up real fast, too. You'll miss your family and friends and they'll miss you, so call them and email them a lot.
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#23 Old 11-11-2003, 12:08 AM
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I'll probably get slapped for this, but the truth is that I wouldn't move somewhere for a man. Not before I had gone to college myself and established my own life and career. Personally, I think that your best move would be to go to school somewhere yourself. Let HIM make the decision to move for YOU.



In the long run, it is most like that, if you move, the relationship won't work out and you'll be living in OK. I don't know your situation, but that is the reality of life.



If you knew that this was a strong possibility, would you still move? If you knew that , one year from today, you would be in OK alone, would you move? In order for women to be strong, they need to be able to make decisions that are not based on what a relationship demands or what a man would like, but rather on what would work out best for them in the end.



Your boyfriend, if he really loved you and wanted to preserve your relationship, could have done several things:



1) gone to school closer to you

2) made a commitment to you before leaving, such as proposed and given you an engagement ring.



He did what worked out best for him. This is what men do, mostly. You need to find your life without him for yourself. Then, if things between you work out, great. If not, you aren't stuck in OK somewhere alone with nothing to show for it all.

Wow who are you to judge MY relationship? I asked for advice on telling my parents, not whether or not it was thought to be a bad idea. I am not moving there for HIM I am moving for US. I WILL be going to school THERE in the fall. IF we were to break up for whatever reason, I would move back home. and Do NOT give me that if he really loved you [email protected] You have no clue what are relationship is like or the circumstances are. Going to a school closer to here was NOT an option for him. NOWHERE in SD offers what he wants and the school he chose is the BEST school for IT! And we have talked about marriage and decided we want to wait until we are finished with school and started in our careers before that. So just because he didn't propose to me before he left doesn't mean that he doesn't Love me, just that we aren't ready for THAT step. He is doing what he WANTS and what is BEST for US!
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#24 Old 11-11-2003, 12:20 AM
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It's pretty appearent, don't you think, that the other party in this relationship cares less about the relationship than in doing what works out best for him? If she moves, she sacrifices her whole life as she knows it - friends, family, etc. for him and the relationship, then she is doing more. Did he do this for her? No, he went to school away from her because that was what was important to him.

It would be selfish on my part to tell him to stay near me if he 'really loved me' don't you think? YEAH! And Yes I would be 'sacrificing' everything I know, but wouldn't he have also sacrificed that same stuff by going to the school he has always dreamed of!?!?!
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#25 Old 11-11-2003, 12:22 AM
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Starr



You are a such a sweetheart.. I hate that people are questioning your relationship in this thread... a big pfft to them seriously... only you know what that is... and hon...I know what South Dakota is like.. it is a lot like North Dakota and getting away from it is something I cannot wait to do... I envy you



hmmm how to tell them.. I guess I would mention it more... and within a few weeks, tell them you have reached a decision...

LOL!!!! Well said!
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#26 Old 11-11-2003, 12:27 AM
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It seems that you and your B/F have been together for quite some time? You have a leg up if your parents see that you are serious about maintaining your relationship. I think your best chip to play would be to emphasize going to school and to downplay. "But I wanna move in with him *kicking and whining* puh-LEASE!!!!!!!!! I think you should go to your parents with a plan. Tell them exactly what you are going to do. The key is NOT asking for approval, tell them what you want. I'm assuming you are somewhere around the age of reason.. (over the age of 18?) Start taking action now, book a moving van, apply for school, financial aid, start collecting boxes. Then tell them flat out, I'm moving in with ____ in January. I have booked a moving van and this is what I plan on doing once I get there *state examples*



Are you more afraid of your parents disaproving of you "cohabiting" or moving to OK? Am I just reading too hard?







I think you should fund the move yourself... period... It's another bargaining chip on your side. Money is something your parents can hold over your head. Let your parents make the call whether or not they want to help you with the move. This is your relationship and your decision.



Living with someone is a weird adventure, it will change your relationship. It's not playing house. You'll laugh, You'll cry, You'll Fight, You'll pay bills.

Yes we have been together for awhile, I am 19. I am not afraid of them disapproving of us living together, We talked about me going in the fall. What I meant by wanting them to help but not thinking they could afford it, was that I would like for them to go down there with us, just so they could see the town and where I will be living.
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#27 Old 11-11-2003, 12:29 AM
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If Oklahoma is right for MorningStarr's blood type, I say go for it!

Oh Kurmy kurmy kurmy *walks off shaking head*



Thank you to everyone that offered me the advice that I ASKED for.
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#28 Old 11-11-2003, 12:31 AM
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*Mod Post*





MorningStarr has responded to the unsolicited advice, so from this point on please keep this thread on topic. If she needs advice about anything other then how to tell her parents she will ask.
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#29 Old 11-11-2003, 10:36 AM
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Hey, I'm glad that you chewed me out. Good for you. That means that you're thinking about these things. A lot of women don't. It never fails to amaze me how stupid women can be over men - myself included. Trust me when I tell you that I didn't become this suspicious of doing things for "the sake of the relationship" without good reason. Been there, done that, hope to save someone the heartache I have experienced - if I have to make someone mad to do it, well, that's OK. Better to be mad at me and to have considered what I said than to cry your eyes out for months on end down the road wondering, "what happened". I have found in my life that relying on a man for just about anything is a mistake. You may find this down the road yourself. I don't regret this stance. I know that I can take care of myself and be happy regardless of my relationships. Additionally, 15 years of marriage tends to wipe the shine off of things and makes you get real.



Good Luck. And I mean that in a sincere manner. I always think that change is a good thing. I hope that you find that your move is wonderful for YOU regardless of the rest.
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#30 Old 11-11-2003, 10:39 AM
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Originally Posted by oneness View Post

*Mod Post*





MorningStarr has responded to the unsolicited advice, so from this point on please keep this thread on topic. If she needs advice about anything other then how to tell her parents she will ask.



cool avatar, oneness.
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