to avoid or to deal with it.. - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 07-09-2008, 02:17 AM
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hi thread.



so...i need some advice. Because I keep switching tactics due to no firm decision on the best approach.



I've fallen really hard for a close friend. it's ridiculous. biggest thing I've felt . he's perfect for me, we're perfect together, that's why we're such inseperable chums! The attraction's mutual but he has a girlfriend and is a great boy...aka would never dream of cheating. He had her before he met me and I have no desire to shake that up (nor could I if I wanted to , I think).

Anyway, we're in constant contact and every evening there seems to be something on to do together. If it's not things like that, its phones and sms. We like the same music, the same places, the same..world. I don't know. There's so much to say and I just never get tired of him. SO..my question is, maybe from someone who's been in the same situation, is it smarter to distance myself for a while or if I continue to hang out with him will this crush pass? I've been trying that this week and I feel really bad..I keep making up excuses not to go and do fun things that I want to do it sucks. But is it easier that way? just for a while?



hmm. I just...yeah. It's hard to explain...



I hope someone could make sense of that random and help me protect my amazing friendship, and help me kill attraction...
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#2 Old 07-09-2008, 02:18 AM
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( i know its hard to advise people going on that tiny bit of info but ANYTHING would be helpful)



basically, my head is in a knot because I don't want to lose him and I assume this crush will pass. but in the meantime its kind of torturous. not to mention I don't know HOW it will pass if I spend so much time with him.



anyway, this thread may get NO replies..so I'll shut up now I've just never been in this position before and its lame.
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#3 Old 07-09-2008, 02:55 AM
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Awkward position to be in, huh? I don't have much advice, aside from to do what makes you feel most comfortable. If that means distancing yourself from the boy for a bit, or talking to him about it (not in a "I must date you you must leave her" kind of way, which I know you wouldn't anyway), then do it.



Good luck,



Pirate x
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#4 Old 07-09-2008, 12:18 PM
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If you like him and you're spending a lot of time with him, I doubt that your crush will pass, it'll probably grow stronger.



You're either going to have to pull back on your friendship or talk to him about how you feel. If you know the attraction is mutual it's probably not going to come as a shock to him.
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#5 Old 07-11-2008, 09:02 AM
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Even though it may complicate things, I think you should talk to him about how you feel.
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#6 Old 07-11-2008, 09:20 AM
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There are a lot of things that come in to play here. It kind of depends on how long you've been friends with this guy. No offense-- I do not know you-- but I know of a lot of people (mostly girls, to be honest) that "feel" the specialness that comes with connecting with people and then feelings suddenly change or they get bored and move on.



I've experienced something similar to your situation and it worked out. My boyfriend and I are past the 8 month mark, now.



In my opinion, 'friends-first' relationships are usually very successful. My advice to you, similar to everybody else's, is to talk to him. If ya'll are such chums, he shouldn't avoid you or be scared of your feelings. He MAY be scared of hurting you.. but I think that you'd be better off telling him. You never know.
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#7 Old 07-12-2008, 02:40 PM
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i've been in similar situations before. basically, as said before, the more time you spend, the worse it gets but if you stay away, you miss the person..been there done that. either way, you're unfortunately likely to get hurt since he already has a gf (actually, because of this, there's nothing you can really do here). it really isn't nice to come between two people (then there's that karma thing).



my question is, why is he doing "fun" things with you and not his gf. what is she for after all??



sorry to say but the best thing to do is pull away (probably after telling him what is going on so that he doesn't think he did something wrong..its the best thing to do even though it WILL be awkward, ).



it will work out for the best regardless of whatever happens or how you feel immediately afterwards,
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#8 Old 07-12-2008, 03:39 PM
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Yeah it's a tough situation that most of us can relate to - but to be honest, I don't think you need to tell him how you're feeling while he's dating someone else.

You obviously have a close bond - deep down i'm sure he KNOWS that you like him beyond friendship...the question is does he like you enough in that way to dump his girlfriend?

I'd back off, let's see how much he misses you and can't bear to be away from you. Why should he get the best of both worlds? - You derserve to be his girlfriend, but he needs to realise that for himself.
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#9 Old 07-12-2008, 06:05 PM
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If it was me, I'd avoid a guy who's spending a lot of his time with me when he already has a girlfriend - could be a bit of an opportunist if you know what I mean.

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#10 Old 07-12-2008, 11:31 PM
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i know this sounds weird but i would treat the situation how you would want it to be treated if you were his girlfriend...mostly, done with lots of respect and self awareness.
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#11 Old 07-14-2008, 05:31 PM
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this remind me about something that happend to a friend of mine. she fell in love with her best friend and he had a gf, but in that case his gf was a close friend of her too. she ended up sleeping with him, and a little later they became a couple. they broke it of cus he cheated on her, just the way he cheated on his ex with her a few months earlier. in under a year she lost 2 close friends. so something like that can happen to anyone, no matter how sweet and kind a person is.



dont know if it was any help, but if it was me in your shoes id back off, if not at all i would try to see him a little less at least, might be easier to think then. i myselfe is a "avoid-person", but if you are strong it might as well be the best to talk it over with him and see if he have any similar feeling to what you have? maybe come to an agreement together?



good luck, and hope all go well for you
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#12 Old 07-14-2008, 07:21 PM
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Hey There



Sorry you are going through this...and here is what I would do...I would confront him straight out lay all my cards on the table have an open and honest talk with him to get his take on things and see how he feels...and then decide what to do...thats just me...loud and pushy...hehe... but I would need to know and If I stopped talking to him or hanging out for awhile I would never know and probably lose a good friend and wouldnt want that.
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