Boyfriend won't agree to STD test - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 04-09-2008, 10:31 PM
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I'm in a serious relationship with my boyfriend. I'm a virgin and he has been with one other woman before and said that while she was married she was having sex with him and many other guys.



The other day I mentioned to him that, since we are probably close to getting intimate, I would want both of us to get tested as an extra precaution even though I know I'm clean and I believe him when he says he is but he told me he hasn't been tested.



He got angry and defensive and wouldn't talk to me and then said he wasn't getting the test even though I made a point to tell him that this had nothing to do with criticizing his character.



I'm angry and a bit hurt that he doesn't seem to care enough about us to get a simple STD test. I was responsible enough to have already gone to the doctor and be put on birth control pills. Other than this issue, he is a great guy and I definitely don't want to lose him over something this silly.



What do all of you think about this? Anyone else had this problem? What should I do?
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#2 Old 04-09-2008, 10:38 PM
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Honestly it sounds suspicious. There's no reason not to be tested especially since his first partner had several other partners. You definitely need to sit down and talk with him about how important it is to you and the reasons he refuses the tests. Please don't compromise your health by sleeping with him until this gets sorted out and he is tested! (Not saying you would, just expressing concern for you)



ETA I forgot to add that this is not a silly thing. This is very serious and something that would be a dealbreaker for me.
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#3 Old 04-09-2008, 10:39 PM
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wow, he doesn't sound like someone I'd want to date. If he's not willing to be responsible and get tested when you're going on BC for him, I'd find a new guy. You deserve way better! Good guys really do exist.



If he's this upset over an STD test, imagine what things will be like later down the road... it sounds like it's probably best if you end this before it gets serious and it's more complicated to break things off. There are better fish in the sea (well, bad metaphor here, lol) and you'll do better, I'm sure of it.
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#4 Old 04-09-2008, 10:40 PM
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First of all, this is NOT a silly issue.



For some reason, a lot of people won't get tested out of fear. "What if they find something wrong with me?" <-- It's more common than you'd think...and it's easier for a lot of people to bury their head in the sand and pretend everything's okay, than to face up to the possibility that there's a slim chance they may have caught something.



Don't give up. You'll both feel better once the testing is over with. And, kudos to you for agreeing to have the testing done on yourself, too!



But, think about this:

I don't like the fact that he became angry about this, and the fact that he didn't want to talk about it. I, personally, would worry about other issues that may come up later on in the relationship. If he doesn't want to talk about, or face, this issue...what else would he not want to face or talk about? /rant



Sorry. I've been burned before, and things like this are way up there in my list of 'red flags.'

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#5 Old 04-09-2008, 10:43 PM
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He's being a big baby, and if he were worth sleeping with, he'd beat a path to the STD-testing clinic. Not that I have strong feelings, either.

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#6 Old 04-09-2008, 10:47 PM
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What kind of person refuses to get tested for STDs in this day and age? It's pretty ridiculous -- unacceptable even, -- and it would be silly if it weren't so scary. He should welcome the opportunity to get tested. Don't let him get away with it.
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#7 Old 04-09-2008, 10:56 PM
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Originally Posted by pazapatadas View Post

What kind of person refuses to get tested for STDs in this day and age?



Not to say that I'm against this, but I HATE needles and would not happily walk into anywhere and get a needle stuck in my arm, NO MATTER WHO asked me. Any time I have blood drawn for any reason, I make sure they take an extra vial so that they can run as many tests as possible.



I really think if homebody really is serious than he really should get the test. I'm just saying I could feel him, if his reason were that he didn't wanna be stuck.
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#8 Old 04-09-2008, 11:02 PM
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Not to say that I'm against this, but I HATE needles and would not happily walk into anywhere and get a needle stuck in my arm, NO MATTER WHO asked me. Any time I have blood drawn for any reason, I make sure they take an extra vial so that they can run as many tests as possible.



I really think if homebody really is serious than he really should get the test. I'm just saying I could feel him, if his reason were that he didn't wanna be stuck.



I've been phobic of needles my whole life so I know how you feel but that is not a reason to endanger his girlfriends health. If that is the reason he needs to say that instead of getting mad at her for wanting to protect their health.
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#9 Old 04-09-2008, 11:07 PM
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Originally Posted by gillibean View Post

I've been phobic of needles my whole life so I know how you feel but that is not a reason to endanger his girlfriends health. If that is the reason he needs to say that instead of getting mad at her for wanting to protect their health.



I hate it when people say the things I was thinking in my head.



I agree if he really cares and that's what she wants he'll do it no matter what. I'm just saying if it were me and it was the STD way or the highway, I would make sure and get it done at a doctors office and have a physical or other health related screenings, so I don't have to see those evil beings again!!
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#10 Old 04-09-2008, 11:47 PM
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Don't be in too much of a hurry to make judgments about why your BF refuses to get tested.



There's probably nothing suspicious at hand, he might just be scared ****less to find out if he's got Hep or HIV (most people are) and needs a kick up the arse to get to the clinic.



If he keeps holding out on you, just tell him there's going to be no sex with you until the test gets done. Trust me, he'll go.
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#11 Old 04-10-2008, 02:44 AM
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Originally Posted by VivaVegan View Post

I believe him when he says he is but he told me he hasn't been tested.



?



if he hasnt been tested, then he doesnt really know if he's okay. he can tell you this all he wants, but unless he has results to back it up, its just talk.



he is probably freaked. but once you have it done, you'll (he'll) feel much better.

either way. knowledge is power.



but i agree w/ raefactor...if he continues to refuse, its not worth getting more involved w/ him.

more than anything, its disrespectful of you...your feelings, your health and it could be indicitive of how the rest of the relationship could turn out to be.

dont compromise yourself and good for you for being so adamant about it!
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#12 Old 04-10-2008, 03:02 AM
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Masturbating is cheaper and won't give you AIDS [via the HIV virus], cancer [via the HPV virus], etc. etc.

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#13 Old 04-10-2008, 04:32 AM
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Another vote for no test, no sex.



He might not have slept around, but his previous partner sure did. And who knows about the guys she slept with? If he and ex-girlfriend had both been virgins prior to their relationship, then, okay, the risk would be extremely low (assuming they weren't into the kinds of drugs that require needles). But that's not the case.



He may very well be asymptomatic and genuinely believe he's clean but still have something - ya don't have to be dripping pus and have a funny rash to have a communicable disease. If it were that easy to spot, they wouldn't get spread so effectively!



If he really cares about you and if you're really thinking rationally about your best interests rather than being clouded by lust, there will be no physical relationship until he is tested. Imagine sometime in the future when you meet the guy you think you might want to marry (assuming it's not this guy) and having to explain you have an incurable STD or AIDS. No sex is fabulous enough to be worth that.
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#14 Old 04-10-2008, 06:27 AM
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Originally Posted by VivaVegan View Post

Other than this issue, he is a great guy and I definitely don't want to lose him over something this silly.



What do all of you think about this? Anyone else had this problem? What should I do?



Here's an opinion from someone who is middle-aged and married ... It isn't "silly" to be concerned about protecting your health. There are STDs out there that have few or no outward signs or symptoms (beyond the ubiquitous "cold/flu-like symptoms). If anyone has had sexual relations (including oral sex) they are at risk for having been exposed to one or more of these diseases. Refusal to be tested is a very serious matter. He has no way of knowing that he's "clean."



My ex-husband cheated on me 7 times in the 2 years that we were married ... and those are just the ones I know about. I made sure that I was tested for every possible STD. I spent a tense two years being tested for HIV (one year following our break up and one year following an accidental needle stick at work). I also found out, after breaking up with a guy, that he had herpes. Nice of him to tell me beforehand, yes? I was exceedingly lucky in that we always used condoms and I did not contract herpes.



If I could do it over again ... I'd insist on a clean bill of health (STD related) before even considering sexual intimacy. These are diseases that can change your life and in some cases end it. Sex can be mindblowingly good - but no sex is worth dying for.



You're being mature and responsible. Your boyfriend is being an idiot. And really - if he doesn't care enough about himself or you to be tested ... how "caring" is he really?



This is the same advice I'll be giving my own daughter in a couple of years. No test = No sex.

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#15 Old 04-10-2008, 06:34 AM
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Originally Posted by Scorpius View Post

Masturbating is cheaper and won't give you AIDS [via the HIV virus], cancer [via the HPV virus], etc. etc.



Masturbation is great, but often can't replace the closeness, intimacy, and fun that comes from sex. They are two different things and often are not replaceable in either direction.



To the OP, make sure he gets tested and don't compromise on this issue. You are you being 100% reasonable to request an STD test before you two get down.
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#16 Old 04-10-2008, 08:25 AM
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I really don't see how this is a silly issue. I wouldn't want to end up with one of the nasty STDs you are stuck with for the rest of your life. I'd definately not lift your foot up on this one.
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#17 Old 04-10-2008, 08:32 AM
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Good for you for insisting on a test. Don't compromise on this issue. If he wants you bad enough he'll do whatever you ask, especially common sense highly important things like this.
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#18 Old 04-10-2008, 08:37 AM
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Welcome to VeggieBoards!



I agree with everyone here- No test= No sex. That's actually my permanent stance on that one. If you're responsible enough to have sex, then you need to get tested. I wouldn't compromise on that one and you shouldn't either. I'm married and we both got tested in the beginning of the relationship. I've been lucky (and responsible) and never got an STD nor have I gotten accidentally pregnant. I have seen friends go through things that you do not want to deal with. The only way to prevent that, and still have sex, is to get tested, get on BC and pray he's faithful. Talk it though and tell him what you need.
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#19 Old 04-10-2008, 08:52 AM
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Here's one more vote for no test = no sex.



And the fact that he's so angry about it is a definite red flag. He's probably just scared that he might have something he doesn't know about, but on the off chance that he does have something he's intentionally hiding, that would be seriously disrespectful and dangerous to you. Don't let him get away with it.



And for the record, if I was dating a girl who had this conversation with me, I'd be thinking "YES!!! I'm gonna get laid, and all I have to do is get a stupid blood test first!!!". The fact that you're talking about sex and he's not running to do whatever you want is a REALLY bad sign, even if he is just being scared and not dishonest.



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#20 Old 04-10-2008, 08:55 AM
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And for the record, if I was dating a girl who had this conversation with me, I'd be thinking "YES!!! I'm gonna get laid, and all I have to do is get a stupid blood test first!!!". The fact that you're talking about sex and he's not running to do whatever you want is a REALLY bad sign, even if he is just being scared and not dishonest.



Yeah what guy in his right mind would be like, oh "this girl is hot, but I really don't wanna see if I have a disease." Every guy I know would be running down the street to the blood bank, just to get that belt unbuckled. I know it's a little crude, but hey we are just men
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#21 Old 04-10-2008, 09:10 AM
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One of my college roomies dated a guy who was petrified of getting tested. He always got one of his friends to go do it with him, that made him feel a little better. He did manage to get himself through it though.



I can't imagine why someone would absolutely refuse and even get mad about getting tested. My vote is for no test = no relationship, he obviously isn't worried about your concerns/safety. Don't feel guilty about caring for yourself.
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#22 Old 04-10-2008, 10:53 AM
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It's amazing to me that you are willing to give your virginity to this man, which definitely says a lot about how you feel about him, but he refuses to be tested for your protection. I'm afraid that may also say a lot about how he feels about you.
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#23 Old 04-10-2008, 11:54 AM
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if he reuses to get tested, refuse to "get intimate" until he does. It it ends up being the downfall of your relationship then he's not worth it. keep strong and stand by your want and right to be safe!
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#24 Old 04-10-2008, 11:57 AM
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This should be a huge red flag. Definitely don't get intimate with this guy if he does not test. It won't be worth it.
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#25 Old 04-10-2008, 12:16 PM
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Thank you all for your support and advice. When I said this was "silly," I was referring to him being silly for not agreeing to an STD test and not the whole issue itself. I should've made that clearer. I will definitely not let him have sex with me until he gets this done! I feel like I will get him to open up about this and his concerns and he will eventually get tested.
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#26 Old 04-10-2008, 12:32 PM
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Has anyone here been tested? Its not a cool thing for a guy, a simple blood test maybe used for HIV or Herpes, but other STD test are more "invasive". That being said, if he isn't willing to go through this minor discomfort, he is not worth giving your virginity to. Make sure you explain to him how much it matters to you and re-inforce that you are not in anyway questioning his character. Also it may help if you make little hints as to the pay off for him taking the test. As a guy who has nothing to hide that would be a great motovational factor!!!!
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#27 Old 04-10-2008, 12:33 PM
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In light of the fact that his attitude has been very defensive over this (which could be for any number of innocent reasons as well as devious), it might be a good idea to insist on going with him to get tested, and make sure you see the results.



That way, you know he actually did the test and he isn't going to just tell you that he went and he really didn't. If he refuses to comply with that, it's going to be a pretty good indication of his real motives when it comes to your relationship.



That might all sound a little paranoid and controlling, but it only takes one exposure to get something nasty that you take with you for life.
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#28 Old 04-10-2008, 12:35 PM
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In light of the fact that his attitude has been very defensive over this (which could be for any number of innocent reasons as well as devious), it might be a good idea to insist on going with him to get tested, and make sure you see the results.



That way, you know he actually did the test and he isn't going to just tell you that he went and he really didn't. If he refuses to comply with that, it's going to be a pretty good indication of his real motives when it comes to your relationship.



That might all sound a little paranoid and controlling, but it only takes one exposure to get something nasty that you take with you for life.



That is a very good idea actually, considering his extreme defensiveness.
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#29 Old 04-10-2008, 12:44 PM
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Has anyone here been tested? Its not a cool thing for a guy, a simple blood test maybe used for HIV or Herpes, but other STD test are more "invasive".



Just so the guys know ... The full range of STD testing for women isn't any less invasive. Unless you consider the use of a vaginal speculum and cervical cell scrapings to be somehow non-invasive procedures. ETA: Yes I have been tested for a variety of STDs throughout my life, and while it has been a while (15 years in a stable monogamous relationship) I remember that even the "invasive" bits (which happen at a yearly exam for women anyway) are a small price to pay for peace of mind and preventative medical care.





I think it is also important to note (particularly for the OP) that STD testing is a good idea. It does not; however, take the place of what should be a standard precaution of safe sex practices. Oral contraceptives (or contraceptive shots) do not prevent against the spread of STDs. Unless you are in a very stable and monogamous relationship you should use condoms no matter what the test results show.

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#30 Old 04-10-2008, 12:52 PM
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I wouldn't be with someone who refused to get an STD test. You could go get one yourself, despite the fact that you know you don't have any STDs, just to show him you are not above it, and you aren't being unfair. But if he still didn't budge, I'd forget him. Your health is too important to disregard.
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