One or the Other? (Relationship help?) - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 03-12-2008, 01:35 PM
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I'm having a really rough time of things here. I'm trying to get back in touch with who am I and am starting to notice a pattern. It seems everytime I start to open myself up again and take action in getting "me" back, I question my relationship to the point of looking for apartments. Which is really screwy because I felt completely in touch with myself when my SO and I got together two years ago and everything was wonderful. We moved quickly and I'm a young mother because of it, and in turn lost any progress I had made at becoming "me" before we got together. But the more thought I put into being myself, the more I get stupidly suspicious of everything SO does, and the more I realize our values don't match.



-I'm vegetarian, he isn't.

-I tend to not swear, him and his family are foul mouthed.

-I don't agree with pot, he used to smoke it almost daily (after many fights its now once a month).

- He wants to try crossbreeding our reptiles, I'm completely against toying with nature.

- I love camping, my home is in the woods near a lake; not this stinky city.

- He wants to travel and be spontaneous, I value stability and am a planner.

- He loves attention and tries hard to get it, where I shrink away from it.

- I need sensitivity and long talks, he just wants to keep to himself and have space.

- I prefer to be "unplugged" where he can't live without computer/tv etc.



I'm so confused. I feel like it has to be one or the other. Either I get in touch with myself and we not be together, or slink back into this lonesome rut and stay with him. This isn't by any means his fault, and it hurts. Is it possible to find yourself again when in a relationship, and still keep the relationship intact? I don't know what to do here..
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#2 Old 03-12-2008, 01:45 PM
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Since you were so completely in touch with yourself when you and your SO got together, what attracted you to him in the first place? What are/were the positives then? Maybe by looking at those you can find areas where things between you do work.



I'm not pushing for you to stay together, I would want more information before commenting further on the situation.
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#3 Old 03-12-2008, 02:01 PM
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Wow, thats a tough one. Really I was just beginning to discovery myself (tender age of 19, had just begun standing up for what I believe in and becomming my own person). This is one I really have to think about.. I guess I was looking for adventure, somebody that wasnt' my "usual type." We had long, deep thoughful conversations about the world and philosophy. It was intellectually stimulating. But within a few months, all that ended. Now I have a heck of a time talking to him about anything really. I try to have a conversation with him but he's always into something else or responds differently (I don't even consider it responding, but he feels what was said doesn't need a response). He was passionate, I could see the passion in his eyes - but again all that changed. Maybe we're both just really bored, and I need to find a way to stimulate him again.



I don't know how to be myself in a relationship, because I was just beginning to learn who myself was on my own. this stinks.



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Originally Posted by asp3 View Post

Since you were so completely in touch with yourself when you and your SO got together, what attracted you to him in the first place? What are/were the positives then? Maybe by looking at those you can find areas where things between you do work.



I'm not pushing for you to stay together, I would want more information before commenting further on the situation.

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#4 Old 03-12-2008, 02:32 PM
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i see a lot of mismatched couples when i look around me. i dont really know how they make it work, but they seem to do it somehow. they often say its cuz they still love each other a lot despite their differences. do you think you can say that about each other? maybe the answer to that can help you make your decision over staying or leaving?
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#5 Old 03-12-2008, 02:39 PM
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Why are you making it about one or the other? You will be sorely disappointed if you expect to find another person whose interests/beliefs/values match your own completely. If you cannot be 'yourself' in your current relationship, then you need to leave it, for both your sake and your spouse's. But I wonder what its going to take for you to be happy in a relationship with another if you feel forced into 'losing yourself' by being in a relationship.



Did he force or manipulate you into losing yourself or living in a way that you didn't want to do, or did you do that willingly? Some women seem to voluntarily morph themselves as individuals into 'us' or even 'him', then later feel unfulfilled and bitter. Who he is shouldn't change Who you are. You are still you in the relationship, vegetarian, non-cusser, outdoorsy girl and all. You've just chosen to be with someone who has differing interests/beliefs/values. I guess you need to decide if you can be happy being with such a person anymore. And sometimes people change and that's okay, too. Maybe you enjoyed the differences on a short-term basis, but want something different for the long-haul.



From your second post, it seems like both of you have fallen into some kind of rut, which can happen in a long-term relationship. Have you had a conversation with him about these issues? Do you know how he feels about the relationship?
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#6 Old 03-12-2008, 10:55 PM
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Since the two of you have a child together you will most likely be involved in each other's lives for the better part of 18 years (minimum.)



How is your SO as a father? How is each of your relationships with your child? Do you firmly believe that you and your SO are both committed to doing everything you can to make your child's life the best you can?



Are there any extenuating circumstances in the situation, drug use, alcohol abuse, mental, verbal or physical abuse?



Do you love your SO? Do you feel affection for you SO?



I'm sorry I'm asking so many questions, but in order to really understand the situation, I'm afraid I need more information.
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#7 Old 03-13-2008, 05:42 AM
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He's a good father, and we both have a good relationship with our son. Our son is our number one priority, over eachother and above and beyond anything or anyone.



No abuse, we used to fight constantly but have been so busy starting a business together that we don't have time lol.



Of course I love him, but I have a hard time feeling affection towards him when we aren't really in an affectionate relationship right now. He's always working, and even at home we both work. We don't really have time for eachother



As far as substance use, he smokes pot once a month - away from our family because I don't want that crap around the kids (kid-s because I'm due in June with a little girl).



It's not that he's a problem, he isn't. I just sometimes wonder if there's really a future there for us where we can both be happy and both be ourselves. Unless I'm on my own I don't know how to hold onto myself as I wasn't able to express myself around my family. Going from that to moving in with him, I had very little time for that self-discovery part of life. Now, I feel like the more I find out about myself and the more I want to do for myself.. the less of a future I see together. Maybe I'm just really hormonal, I don't know.



It could make sense, because within a month of being with him I was pregnant with our son, and 5 months after he was born (not quite having my body back to normal with hormones yet and such) we discovered I'm pregnant again. I'm also very restless, I have no licence, no money, and can't push our stroller through the snow. So I'm inside a silent apartment for 48-72 hours straight. When I do get out its so we can run errands.



Quote:
Originally Posted by asp3 View Post

Since the two of you have a child together you will most likely be involved in each other's lives for the better part of 18 years (minimum.)



How is your SO as a father? How is each of your relationships with your child? Do you firmly believe that you and your SO are both committed to doing everything you can to make your child's life the best you can?



Are there any extenuating circumstances in the situation, drug use, alcohol abuse, mental, verbal or physical abuse?



Do you love your SO? Do you feel affection for you SO?



I'm sorry I'm asking so many questions, but in order to really understand the situation, I'm afraid I need more information.

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#8 Old 03-13-2008, 08:04 AM
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Did he force or manipulate you into losing yourself or living in a way that you didn't want to do, or did you do that willingly? Some women seem to voluntarily morph themselves as individuals into 'us' or even 'him', then later feel unfulfilled and bitter. Who he is shouldn't change Who you are. You are still you in the relationship, vegetarian, non-cusser, outdoorsy girl and all.



QFT

Being yourself has very little to do with him and a whole lot to do with you.





If you're not doing things you like - well go do them. Sounds like you have a lot going on right now, and maybe you need a break of some sort. Maybe you and your bf need to reconnect, maybe you should talk to him about this? And it definitely sounds like you need to get out of your house somehow, anyone can go a little stir crazy if they're cooped up too long.
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#9 Old 03-13-2008, 08:25 AM
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Thanks for all the replies. Today we had the big relationship talk, and although we both love eachother niether of us are sure that we really have a life together. It hurts, but we can both agree that we aren't happy and haven't been for a long time. We moved to quickly and we've always known that.



Now it just comes down to making the decision. It's not one either of us wants to make, and we know we have to make one eventually. We've discussed what would happen with the kids, our partner-ship business, what I would do (stay at home mom means no income) until I can find a job, etc. I wish I could see into the future so I know if breaking up would be the best choice for all of us or not. This is so tough, how does one decide when enough is enough. We feel we're grasping for straws when it comes to being in a relationship, one that we barely have to begin with. But can we save it with more work, and can we find the time to work on it? Thats whats holding us back most I think.



As I said, I was 19 when I got pregnant, I moved in with him within 3 months of meeting him - had our son two weeks before my 20th birthday. Went straight from parents to SO and we both feel we didn't give ourselves time to develop that stability and figure out how to be with eachother.



More than anything right now, I feel lost. I'm torn, and while normally I would also feel very alone, there is something about him feeling the same things I do that makes it better.
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#10 Old 03-13-2008, 08:31 AM
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Is he willing to help you develop your own interests? If he is, you might not need to break up, from what I´ve read here. Even if it´s just asking you every morning, ¨What are you going to do for yourself today, Honey?¨ that could help remind you to keep from focusing too much on your family.



I know many, many couples who found themselves bored and stagnating in their marriage/relationship, but they found ways to make it exciting for both parties. This works best when both of you want to stay together and are willing to work for it.

Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1001...one to change the bulb, 1000 to say it's already been done.
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#11 Old 03-13-2008, 08:35 AM
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Have you asked him if he wants to try and make it work?



From what I've skimmed off this thread you may be able to have both if he wants it.



You - find a hobby or something you can do to get out of the house once a week



Him - If he still wants to have the relationship, he needs to figure out a way to stimulate you the way he did in the beginning
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#12 Old 03-13-2008, 09:01 AM
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i, personally, don't think it has to be "one or the other." sometimes, it does have to be, but it doesn't always have to be.



it's ok that people are different, but it is important that they share the same values and have mutual respect for each other and each other's agency (ability to make choices for oneself, for ones family since you also have a child).



to be yourself, you need only to assert yourself. do what you want to do, act as you want to act. to be in a relationship, the other person must support that this is who you are and what you do--they must love that person and not want them to change or be what they want that person to be.



if this is possible in your relationship, then you can have both.
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#13 Old 03-13-2008, 09:06 AM
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Hmmm, this is a tough one, but ultimately I believe that everyone deserves to be happy, really happy for themselves not for others or because of others. I wouldn't say you have to "find" yourself as much as "love" yourself first. What I mean by that is really decide what qualities you want and are willing to live with in a partner and don't settle for anything less. You know a few people said you can't get everything you want, but I disagree I almost made a huge mistake when i was in my early 20's, then established what I really wanted during the next few years and waited and even though people called me unrealistic I didn't care but stuck to what i believed in and when I was 26 I met a man who really and I mean really suited me and my lifestyle. We are married now and things are amazing.



As you said you are young. This also reminds me of my sister she got together with her boyfriend when she was 17 and even though they do not have any kids she just found the courage to break up (she is now 21) 4 months before their wedding. She just really changed and they were not moving in the same direction together even though it was bliss at first. It really comes down to being honest with yourself and knowing what you want. And when you are in your early 20's you usually do not know what you really want and more times than less are willing to put up with much more than you will when you grow even older and stabilize yourself.



I understand that kids are involved but I am glad your focus is not "staying together for the kids sake". This almost never works to anyone's benefit. What kind of a mom will you be if you are miserable?



So anyway I could go on and on as I am very passionate about relationships and really finding true happiness in a partner - not settling. Hope this helps a little
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#14 Old 03-13-2008, 09:50 AM
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i think the best thing you could do right now, would be to get yourself out of the house and interacting with people.



if you're anything like me, if you spend too much time alone with a problem niggling in the back of your head, you think about stuff, criticise and analyze it, go over assorted different scanarios in your head, give yourself a headache, panic over how horrible wrong it all seems and how doing anythig else will make it worse, and then end up in tears and angry at your partner.



i know you said you're a young mum and pregnant again. i think you should google local groups, and find a ymca, library, church if you're into that, or other kinda organised young mums group. don't decide before you start that you can't go, cos of the whole stroller in the snow, paying for a cab, or other issue- thats putting up blocks before you've hit them. i've worked with young mums groups who lend out car/carry seats, who do a ride sharing system where people pick others up, who refund bus and cab fees from mums who can't afford them, etc. you can find a way to go, if its important enough to you- and with a little help- i seriously doubt that you're the only young mum with no limo and no pocket full of $100 bills, so they're set up to help you!



being outside with other people will not only help you feel like you're being yourself and finding yourself, but it'll do a lot for your sanity and general happiness- which'll make deciding what you wanna do easier, and clearer, over time.
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#15 Old 03-13-2008, 11:46 AM
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It sounds like you're both suffering as a result of your relationship being catapulted into the serious stakes before either of you even properly knew each other.



Even if you took yourselves off to therapy it's going to be a hard problem to overcome when you've got responsibilities, limited funds, time constraints and other things stacked against you.



Under the circumstances and seeing as you both feel the same way, I don't think it would be such a drastic decision to call it quits and go your seperate ways..... it's not the end of the world, you're young and I'm sure you'll both meet other partners that are much more suitable.
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#16 Old 03-13-2008, 12:11 PM
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Under the circumstances and seeing as you both feel the same way, I don't think it would be such a drastic decision to call it quits and go your seperate ways..... it's not the end of the world, you're young and I'm sure you'll both meet other partners that are much more suitable.



Maybe and maybe not. I think this time a little less impulse and a lot of thought should go into your decision.



You each should define why you are not happy and see what you can do to change it.



I was unhappy for awhile because I felt I did more housework than my bf in addition to working longer hours, I talked to him and we worked out a chore schedule that we can both live with. He didn't realize it was stressing me out, because he knows I enjoy grocery shopping, cooking, and caring for the animals, so he didn't think those things counted as "chores" to me. That was an easy problem to fix.



All relationships are work. Are you both willing to work for your own happiness? Will you support each other's efforts?



Ok so you moved too fast, but it sounds like you didn't do too bad. You can talk to him about your feelings, you seem to respect and care for him, he respects you enough to not smoke around your daughter. You think he's a good dad. You must share some similar goals if you can imagine a business together. You even love him! What important quality is missing? If the only thing missing is time - maybe you ought to make some.



You could cut and run, but it's not like you can go back to just being a kid, you will have two kids of your own. You will have to work, I'm not saying you can't do it, you just really need to be sure you want to.



If you leave because you're unhappy, you don't want to find out that you're still unhappy once you're out.
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#17 Old 03-13-2008, 03:22 PM
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If you leave because you're unhappy, you don't want to find out that you're still unhappy once you're out.



Thats exactly what I'm afraid of..



I just wanted to say thank you for all be so objective and not judging my situation. I stupidly went to another forum I visit and posted for advice and got nothing but criticism. I can't change what has happened, and wouldn't want to. I'm trying to figure out where to go from here. So, thank you. This is truly a kind bunch of people we have in the veggieboards community.
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#18 Old 03-23-2008, 08:50 AM
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To be honest, it seems as though you're describing my relationship Though, I'm completely happy. I'm a vegan, and sometimes it seems Bri eats enough meat to make up for my choices, he sometimes smokes pot, drinks too much, etc etc



But he's the most wonderful man, and he understands me and truly tries to make me happy. I think that's the most important thing, the desire to make eachother happy. When I get mad at him, which isn't that often, he notices he hasn't been trying and then tries harder and eats more of my 'tofu crap' haha. The thing is, with us, none of the other stuff matters enough to end anything.



Your situation sounds more like the situation with my ex, who I was scared to death to end it with, and it sucked for like a year. But it was the best decision of my life. It's unfortunate, but once the little stuff matters more than the big stuff, there's not a lot you can do to save it, especially if there's no effort on the other end.



Sorry you're going through this. :: bear hug ::
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#19 Old 03-25-2008, 04:02 PM
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Hey, thanks. Thought I would update everybody and say that we're on a break now. We both have personal things within ourselves to work out before either of us are suited for any kind of relationship (me, self-respect. Him, commitment). So I moved into the upcoming baby's room for now. It's stressful and confusing, but we both know its something we have to do.
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