attraction (don't find best friend attractive) - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 10-19-2007, 04:55 AM
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do you think it can 'grow'?? my best friend in the world confided in me that he loves me. we get on well, i'd trust him with my life, he's perfect 'boyfriend' material and treats me wonderfully. the only bit missing is the attraction.i just don't find him attractive. could i ..i dont know..change this ?

it sounds stupid, but im sick of idiot guys and the like. This boy is wonderful. why don't i 'want' him?!
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#2 Old 10-19-2007, 05:09 AM
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Physical attraction is a funny thing, but I think people place too much emphasis on looks in terms of relationships. I mean would you rather have someone who is good looking but treats you badly or someone who treats you well and is a great person but maybe isn't as physically attractive?



I would always judge a potential partner on personality rather than what they look like. Everyone will be old and wrinkly eventually anyway



I'm often told I am a really nice person and trustworthy and have even been told I would 'make someone a great boyfriend'. Unfortunately I am not attractive and this seems to be such a big factor that I am sure it is why I can never find a partner.



To answer your original question, I definately think attraction can grow, I have sometimes found women more physically attractive after I have got to know them better, weird but true
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#3 Old 10-19-2007, 05:26 AM
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There is some email circulating about marrying someone you truly enjoy spending time with and talking to. As you go through life together, the physical attraction part comes and goes depending on the other demands in your life. But if this person is someone you genuinely enjoy as a person and he reciprocates, you are a very lucky potential couple. Too many times, people determine relationships based on the yearning of their "nether-regions." What happens when the fire burns out? They discover they don't even like each other.



Good luck!
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#4 Old 10-19-2007, 05:31 AM
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Those seem like wise words Just_Kris!
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#5 Old 10-19-2007, 05:36 AM
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According to my female friends, 90% of an orgasm is mental and 10% is technique of the giver. Maybe that helps!
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#6 Old 10-19-2007, 05:37 AM
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thanks. my sentiments exactly. which is why im wondering if i should just try this out. because i'd much rather be with him than anybody else i know or have ever known. other people, however, have said that its the crucial thing that cuts friendship from romance. so im a bit undecided.



maybe ill give it a whirl and get back to you with results..ehehe..
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#7 Old 10-19-2007, 05:45 AM
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Everyone gets old, fat, bald, etc. If you don't choose to be with someone who you truly care for as a person, attraction is not going to leave you with much when time and age settle in.
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#8 Old 10-19-2007, 06:36 AM
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Be careful with him! Don't just "give it a whirl" and take his feeling for granted. Poor guy. I'd have to say he deserves to be with someone who loves him too and if he's as wonderful as you say, maybe you will someday. Attraction does eb and flow and isn't usually constant but if you're not attracted to him at all I worry about him getting hurt.



So just... treat him well
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#9 Old 10-19-2007, 06:53 AM
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Originally Posted by Beachbnny View Post

Be careful with him! Don't just "give it a whirl" and take his feeling for granted. Poor guy. I'd have to say he deserves to be with someone who loves him too and if he's as wonderful as you say, maybe you will someday. Attraction does eb and flow and isn't usually constant but if you're not attracted to him at all I worry about him getting hurt.



So just... treat him well



I'd echo that too, if you do date him and then leave him, then not only will you hurt him, you may well dissolve your friendship.
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#10 Old 10-19-2007, 06:58 AM
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Originally Posted by SuperChicken View Post

Everyone gets old, fat, bald, etc. If you don't choose to be with someone who you truly care for as a person, attraction is not going to leave you with much when time and age settle in.



Wise words.
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#11 Old 10-19-2007, 07:07 AM
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Sometimes it's hard to like someone when they like us more than we like ourselves. I have read in some psychology books that it can be very challenging for people with low self-image to be accepting of people who see them in a much better light and are thus more comfortable with people who view them they way they treat themselves- like crap.



I am not sure why physical attractiveness came up. "chemistry" often has little to do with physical appearance. I recently liked a guy whom I'd never marry and whose physical looks aren't at all my type. But his personality and charm snatched up my attention from the first time I met him. He smiles, is attentive, acts like what I say is important and has seemed to act like I am attractive.
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#12 Old 10-19-2007, 07:29 AM
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I think that everyone needs a different degree of physical attraction in their relationships to make them work. Some people work on other levels to the point that physical attraction takes little or no part in their overall appraisal of their relationship. Other people need a fairly high level of physical attraction in order to give the relationship the spark they need to stay motivated.



I would recommend that you look at how important physical attraction is to you overall before making any moves. Remember that you can love friends deeply without loving them romantically. It sounds like your friend however loves you romantically in addition to loving you as a friend.



I know from experience that it is possible to find people who are wonderfully attractive and fantastic in every other way as well. It really depends on what your overall experience has been. Have you dated much? How does your friend "stack up" to the people that you've dated? Have you been in any "relationships"? If so how have they ended and what were the issues that ended them? Do you see any of those issues potentially popping up with your friend?



Quote:
Originally Posted by Beachbnny View Post

Be careful with him! Don't just "give it a whirl" and take his feeling for granted. Poor guy. I'd have to say he deserves to be with someone who loves him too and if he's as wonderful as you say, maybe you will someday. Attraction does eb and flow and isn't usually constant but if you're not attracted to him at all I worry about him getting hurt.



So just... treat him well



I strongly agree with Beachbnny, if you do move forward I would do so carefully.



In fact if you haven't already done so, I think it might be a better idea to take a whirl with someone you find very attractive first. That way you can find out where attraction fits in your overall picture and how important it is to you.



It might be difficult to see someone else without hurting your friend since he's told you he loves you. He might be satisfied with an explanation that you aren't ready to stop dating yet, but then again he might not.



After writing all of that I'm coming back to my standard answer again. I think the thing you should do is look inside of your heart and search for what feels right. If it feels right to move your friendship towards a romantic relationship then do so. If it doesn't feel right to you then don't do it.
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#13 Old 10-20-2007, 03:08 AM
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Originally Posted by Jon_Veggie View Post

Physical attraction is a funny thing, but I think people place too much emphasis on looks in terms of relationships. I mean would you rather have someone who is good looking but treats you badly or someone who treats you well and is a great person but maybe isn't as physically attractive?



I would always judge a potential partner on personality rather than what they look like. Everyone will be old and wrinkly eventually anyway



I'm often told I am a really nice person and trustworthy and have even been told I would 'make someone a great boyfriend'. Unfortunately I am not attractive and this seems to be such a big factor that I am sure it is why I can never find a partner.



To answer your original question, I definately think attraction can grow, I have sometimes found women more physically attractive after I have got to know them better, weird but true



Sexual attraction isn't just based on looks though. Sometimes, for whatever reason, you simply don't feel a certain chemistry with someone else.
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#14 Old 10-20-2007, 03:38 AM
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I would always judge a potential partner on personality rather than what they look like. Everyone will be old and wrinkly eventually anyway



I love this line

But I don't think attraction is the same as good looks really. If you have great 'chemistry' (yeah I know this is undefinable and I can't explain it, but it's REAL) with someone, then that is like amang attraction that doesn't rely on looks. I hope that if I'm with someone who I have amazing chemistry with then I will be attracted to them even when they get older and fuglier
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#15 Old 10-20-2007, 03:39 AM
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oh, I didn't realise two other people had already mentioned 'chemistry' well, I agree
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#16 Old 10-20-2007, 06:19 AM
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I didn't find my husband attractive at all when I first met him..even after the first couple of dates I was on the fence. Not to sound corny but it really was his inside light that blew me away not the external canvas.
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#17 Old 10-20-2007, 08:27 AM
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[QUOTE=SotallyTober]I didn't find my husband attractive at all when I first met him..even after the first couple of dates I was on the fence. QUOTE]



I hope he isn't reading this!



I suppose I'm so inexperienced with anything sexual/relationship orientated that I'm not really qualified to discuss these things. One thing I do know is that looks aren't everything and a relationship that is just based on looks is doomed to failure.



A nice, friendly, vegan girl with a great personality and similar interests is going to be attractive to me, no matter what she looks like.
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#18 Old 10-20-2007, 08:33 AM
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Bleh, this is different than not being attracted to someone physically. That doesn't matter. This is about changing the status of your friendship and it sounds to me like you don't want to do that, so Don't!!



Tell him that you're flattered, and that you care a lot about him, but that you see him just as your friend.
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#19 Old 10-20-2007, 09:18 AM
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I once dated a friend even though i wasn't that attracted to him, but because he was a great person. I have to say it ended very badly and we were no longer friends afterwards. I very much regret dating this guy; it ruined a good friendship and things were just never the same.
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#20 Old 10-20-2007, 09:53 AM
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I know someone who didn't want to date a friend because she wasn't physically attracted to him. They started dating, the love grew, they dated for four years and got married. I'm not saying this always happens. I also agree that you should proceed with caution. It will be very sad for your friend in the end if it doesn't work out. And you can't make yourself fall in love with someone. I think there needs to be at least a little 'something there' that draws two people together.
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#21 Old 10-20-2007, 01:53 PM
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Sexual attraction isn't just based on looks though. Sometimes, for whatever reason, you simply don't feel a certain chemistry with someone else.

I guess this is what I was thinking of.



I wouldn't go out with a friend I didn't feel some spark with. There is no point in risking a friendship unless you really feel attracted, and it's not fair to him. It could come later with time, though.



The unfortunate thing is, now that you know, he might not want to hear about your love interests. I can't say if you should avoid talking about other guys to be nice or what.
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#22 Old 10-20-2007, 09:22 PM
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Frankly, I would be insulted if someone dated me while privately hoping he could make himself be attracted to me. I'm not sure of the specifics of your situation, but I do know that you can't make yourself love someone (as someone else already stated). I mean, physical attraction might not be too important to some people, but to other people it really is necessary for it to be there to some degree. If you're not sure what you want I think it's best to not pursue a dating relationship with your friend. I mean, if it works that'd be great but he could be really hurt if it doesn't turn out. Just be really sure that it is what you really want.

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#23 Old 10-20-2007, 11:02 PM
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Frankly, I would be insulted if someone dated me while privately hoping he could make himself be attracted to me. I'm not sure of the specifics of your situation, but I do know that you can't make yourself love someone (as someone else already stated). I mean, physical attraction might not be too important to some people, but to other people it really is necessary for it to be there to some degree. If you're not sure what you want I think it's best to not pursue a dating relationship with your friend. I mean, if it works that'd be great but he could be really hurt if it doesn't turn out. Just be really sure that it is what you really want.



I agree. Wanting to be sexually attracted to your parner doesn't make you a superficial person, it's a big part of a relationship and not something that can be forced. Just because someone someone has strong feelings for you, doesn't mean they can or should be reciprocated on your behalf, so tread carefully.



I had a male friend who was kind of keen early in our friendship and he's a good-looking, generous and friendly person. But I knew a platonic relationship was all that would work and it's turned out best that way. He has a girlfriend now who he's happy with and we're good mates.
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#24 Old 10-21-2007, 01:24 PM
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hi, wow, what a response!! he's away for 2 weeks so can't report back yet but wanted to thank you for your input!! a lot of what was written was my thoughts exactly...but trouble is a lot of it conflicts..as do my thoughts. the only thing im clear on is that yes, i don't want to hurt him. he's one of my best friends and im not interested in risking that.



and jaded and starblossom, i can see where you're coming from...so perhaps ill leave it. and stay close friends. and if with time something else develops..then i guess it does?

hmm.
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#25 Old 10-21-2007, 06:02 PM
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and if with time something else develops..then i guess it does?

hmm.

Agreed! And that can be wonderful when things unfold naturally. There's no rush!
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#26 Old 10-28-2007, 03:54 PM
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thalia, so true. he comes back in 4 days...ee. :/



ill update the thread then :P
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#27 Old 10-28-2007, 06:40 PM
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I'm a bit late but I thought I'd post anyway, just in case it is helpful. My best friend told me he loved me after I was pretty much the last one to know he even had a crush on me when we first met. I loved him to bits as my best friend, he was the first guy I'd ever met, in fact the first person I'd ever met that I really felt I connected with and could trust implicitly. It broke my heart to tell him I didn't feel the same but I couldn't tell him that I'd never feel the same as I honestly didn't know.



Our friendship didn't suffer and a couple of months later I was walking along the street when I suddenly realised that other people could be interested in him. The idea of another woman being with him just about gave me a heart attack, I was consumed with visions of ripping off the heads of other fictional women who might try to chat him up. Long story short, I realised he'd become much more than a friend to me and although there was no initial attraction to begin with on my side, it had also become about my own insecurities and a desperate desire not to hurt him or lose him as my soulmate. Our relationship was unconventional at first, he was (and is) a very patient and loving man.



It's over five years later now and we're still madly in love. I'm a firm believer that if something is meant to be, it will happen. Take your time and see how it goes
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#28 Old 10-29-2007, 07:35 AM
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I think that in some cases attraction can grow from genuine caring. There is a lot more to attractiveness (for me at least) than just the physical appearance.



The first time I ever met my husband we met as friends. He was married. I was dating other people and was pretty newly divorced. I took one look at him and thought ... "Eh. He's kinda cute but he's really not my type."



One year later (to the day) we were married.



We've been together for 14 years (married for 13) and I find him to be more attractive now that when we first met.



Now my first husband ... instant attraction. Totally hot. Totally a [email protected] Lots of chemistry. Nothing in common. We were married less than 2 years.

I am the user formerly known as MrsKey
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#29 Old 11-22-2007, 02:19 PM
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..update......



we're together now, and its insanely wonderful :P
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#30 Old 11-22-2007, 02:41 PM
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..update......



we're together now, and its insanely wonderful :P



Woohooo!!! That is excellent!! I'm really pleased for you
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