Talk to my ex-? - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 03-13-2007, 02:33 PM
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I won't get in deep w/anything... me & my ex were friends for 8 years before we started going out... very emotionally intense relationship...I broke his heart-big time... I want to see how he's doing (through e-mail, I'm not gonna call him) I just dunno if it's a good idea or not? I broke up w/him about 2 months ago.. last time we talked was probably a month ago & it wasn't on good terms... Plus, I might be getting into a relationship w/someone else (which I won't tell my ex that) So my question is, should I just leave it alone & wait to see if he still wants a friendship? and would it be ok to write him, or would that just be stupid on my part?
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#2 Old 03-13-2007, 02:36 PM
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It doesn't hurt to try, even if he's not ready for a friendship just yet, atleast he knows you want one and the option is there whenever he's ready. Also, he could want to have contact with you but doesn't know how to go about, feels akward, ect.



I think it's a good idea to write him, but keep your expectations low. Expect him to not be ready yet. Then if he isn't, you won't be as hurt. But hey, you never know what his reaction is going to be until you try.



I think it's wonderful you want to have a friendship with this person again. I'm sure it will make him feel good that he is still important to you.
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#3 Old 03-13-2007, 02:39 PM
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I would say at least let him know you're there for him and you are interested in a friendship. You never know, he may be wanting to talk to you and going through the same moral dilemma you are.



Also, you never know when someone may need you. At least letting him know you are there for him can't hurt.



Best of luck, whatever you choose to do.
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#4 Old 03-13-2007, 02:52 PM
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I'll differ from what others have said here. If you left, and he's heartbroken, it's likely that contact from you will be hard for him to deal with. I've been on both sides of that equation, and unsolicited contact from the one who has left always just seems to stir up pain and complicate the healing process.



If there comes a time to be friends again, both of you will know it.
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#5 Old 03-13-2007, 02:56 PM
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First of all... thank you for the quick replies & good advice. He knows I still wanna be friends & that I'm always here for him no matter what. The way it ended is kinda why I'm hesitant on writing him... (he basically called me a "gutter whore"-because of what I did AFTER I broke up w/him...) But he's very important to me, and I do want to re-establish a friendship w/him. TY again!
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#6 Old 03-13-2007, 03:08 PM
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I think the words he said to you after you hurt him, should be taken with a grain of sand. Yes, he was wrong to say that to you, but I doubt he ment it. He was probably just upset and wanted to "hurt you like you hurt him", even if he didn't realize it. A lot of people lash out when they're upset. I still think you should talk to him, just to let him know he's still important you still want to be friends ect.
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#7 Old 03-13-2007, 03:18 PM
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If I were him and you had broken my heart, I don't think I'd want to hear from you. I could see where this might confuse him, what with you breaking up with him but still contacting him all the time. There's no closure in that. I think many months need to pass before you should even consider this.
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#8 Old 03-13-2007, 04:33 PM
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2 months ago? I wouldn't want to hear from you.



I dated a close friend, and it was also an intense thing for about a year, then we broke up, his choice, not mine, and it took nearly 3 yrs before I could talk to him again without freaking out. Now we're on good terms, but it was a long road.

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#9 Old 03-13-2007, 04:36 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SuperChicken View Post

If I were him and you had broken my heart, I don't think I'd want to hear from you. I could see where this might confuse him, what with you breaking up with him but still contacting him all the time. There's no closure in that. I think many months need to pass before you should even consider this.



I haven't contacted him, but I do want to, to see how him and his family are doing. He thought we were going to get back together, etc... and is mad because I've slept w/other people after I broke up w/him.. but I will definitely consider waiting to contact him from what you said.
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#10 Old 03-13-2007, 04:40 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rabid_child View Post

2 months ago? I wouldn't want to hear from you.



I dated a close friend, and it was also an intense thing for about a year, then we broke up, his choice, not mine, and it took nearly 3 yrs before I could talk to him again without freaking out. Now we're on good terms, but it was a long road.



I was writing another response & didn't read this... and eep, I hope it doesn't take 3 years before he's cool w/talking to me... but I broke his heart into pieces, so I'd understand if he NEVER wants to talk to me again... I just don't want it to be that way, but I guess that's life for ya, huh?
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#11 Old 03-13-2007, 04:43 PM
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I agree with Seusomon. My ex broke up with me in July, I didn't want to talk to him until he came to visit one last time in September, and I haven't talked to him, written, emailed or anything since- almost 6 months. I don't talk about him with anyone who could share information about him or to him about me. I told him I don't want to talk to him and that when I'm ready I will. I told him it might be years. I know he wants to be friends.



When someone dumps you (and I love the word dump. That's how it feels. It's a blow to the ego, you've been put out with the trash, so let's call a spade a spade.) it really, really, really, really hurts. It screws up your whole life. (go through my old posts where I've talked about this, and believe me, I barely talk about it as much as it's on my mind.) And if he is a little sad that he can't be my friend, oh well. Crocodile tears.



And I'm sure he'd say he'll always love me. Spare me that crap or sentiments. That's exactly what I don't want to hear. I don't want to hear about how he cares about me because it's just a reminder that he doesn't love or care enough to do what he needs to do to make a relationship work with me. It's like showing someone a beautiful piece of cake but telling you it's for someone else. And that just makes me even angrier and feel rejected all over again. Do your ex a favor and let him live his life. Let him call the shots.



It probably sounds like I think you or my ex are wrong in your decisions to end the relationship. I actually don't feel that. I'm just trying to give you a flavor for what he might be feeling.
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#12 Old 03-13-2007, 05:12 PM
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I wanna hear any & all sides... that's why i wrote, because I dunno what i should do and I want to get opinions to weigh the options
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#13 Old 03-14-2007, 01:08 AM
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Two months would be way to soon for me.

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#14 Old 03-14-2007, 01:52 AM
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I must agree with Seusomon and some of the others. Two months is not a very long time after a breakup. It can take that long just to start feeling 'alive' again and regain your normal life routine. I've never broken up with someone on good terms before and I don't have friendships with any of my exes so I know how long it can take to come out of the 'post-breakup funk'. And hearing from them was NOT good times. It was painful and made me angry at their audacity to keep contacting me.



I can kind of see why you want to contact him. You [seem to] care for him still and his family and may be curious to see how everyone is, since I assume you used to be involved in his family circle. But, hmm, how do I say this... it's not really your business anymore how he or his family are. I don't say that to be mean, but it is what it is. You ended the relationship and you no longer have that privilege of knowing his feelings or his daily comings and goings. If he would like to continue to share those things with you, then that's great but if he hasn't given you any signals of this, then I'd take that as a hint that he is not, nor ever may be, willing to be friends.



If you have already let him know your door is open, then the ball's in his court. Other than that, continue on with yourself and with moving forward. That's all we can ever do, really.
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#15 Old 03-14-2007, 03:38 AM
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2 months seems a bit soon to me as well. He knows where you are if he wants to talk. I'd give it at least 6 months, and then see how you feel.

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#16 Old 03-14-2007, 07:13 AM
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Two months is WAY too soon, IMO. I've had friendships which turned romantic and then died. In one case, it was really about a year before I was ready to be friendly again. In the other, I'm still not ready for a friendship. I'm friendly with his family (and was for a long time before we really became friends) and as it is I hear about him way too much for my comfort. It's been 5 months there and maybe someday I'll be ready to exchange Christmas cards, but at this point, I feel that it won't be anytime soon. When the trust you have in someone is undermined like that, it can take quite some time to heal.
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#17 Old 03-14-2007, 07:47 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hang~Ten~Honey View Post


You ended the relationship and you no longer have that privilege of knowing his feelings or his daily comings and goings. If he would like to continue to share those things with you, then that's great but if he hasn't given you any signals of this, then I'd take that as a hint that he is not, nor ever may be, willing to be friends.



That's a good way of putting it.



Another thing to remember is that people who did not want the relationship to end have a lot of fantasies about the person calling them up and saying, "I miss you so much! I now realize how wrong I was to ever leave you. I've totally changed and I think we can work this out, let's run away together, I'll love you forever!!!" So just by talking to the person, you might get their hopes up a little bit, and when that fantasy isn't fullfilled (and it never is) it's just another little let down, a new reminder that that will *never* happen and a reminder that you want things things your way and not the way they want them. Once again, it's an ego blow, things are on your terms, not theirs. It's a power inequity. You hold the power, so no friendship is possible.



I'd be interested in hearing what the OP's experiences being dumped are.

I've always been the dumpee, (except for one case where it was mutual, but still hurt). It can take years to get over. I have at least one person it's been 10 years and I still am afraid to talk to him. I just don't want to be reminded of that time of my life and what he did to me.



You know last night on Idol it was D. ROss night:



Quote:
Set me free, why don't cha babe

Get out my life, why don't cha babe

'Cause you don't really love me

You just keep me hangin' on

You don't really need me

But you keep me hangin' on



Why do you keep a coming around

Playing with my heart?

Why don't you get out of my life

And let me make a new start?

Let me get over you

The way you've gotten over me




Set me free, why don't cha babe

Let me be, why don't cha babe

'Cause you don't really love me

You just keep me hangin' on

Now you don't really want me

You just keep me hangin' on



You say although we broke up

You still wanna be just friends

But how can we still be friends

When seeing you only breaks my heart again

And there ain't nothing I can do about it



Woo, set me free, why don't cha babe

Woo, get out my life, why don't cha babe

Set me free, why don't cha babe

Get out my life, why don't cha babe



You claim you still care for me

But your heart and soul needs to be free

Now that you've got your freedom

You wanna still hold on to me

You don't want me for yourself

So let me find somebody else Hey!



Why don't you be a man about it

And set me free

Now you don't care a thing about me

You're just using me

Go on, get out, get out of my life

And let me sleep at night

'Cause you don't really love me

You just keep me hangin' on...





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#18 Old 03-14-2007, 10:36 AM
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I wouldn't want to hear from you either. I personally think its a little selfish to want to contact him. He knows you want to be friends, he's not ready. You should back off and let him make the first move, since you are the one that broke his heart. Sorry but that's the way I really see it.
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#19 Old 03-14-2007, 08:48 PM
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I agree that it'd be best to not contact him so soon. I've had my heart broken, and being contacted by someone who dumps me, when I am not ready to be contacted, just rips open wounds and forces me to begin the healing process all over again. Quite frankly, I think it is unfair and selfish to do that to another person, especially if you know he was badly hurt. He needs time to recover. With the last guy I was involved with, it took me well over a year to even consider talking to him again. He knew I didn't want to talk to him because I explicitly told him, and he respected that, which helped me to heal that much faster.

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#20 Old 03-14-2007, 10:18 PM
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I agree with Suesomon.



Two months is TOO SOON.
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#21 Old 03-14-2007, 11:16 PM
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I'd say leave him alone for now. Wait until he's ready to contact you.



My ex, who dumped me, wants to be 'friends' with me, but it still hurts to see him, even though it's been six months now. So I've asked him not to contact me any more.



In retrospect, I think it would have been better if we'd just left each other alone completely.



Don't try and be 'friends' too soon. Give him time to get over you. Then maybe one day you can be friends.
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#22 Old 03-15-2007, 02:51 AM
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TY you all for the advice. I see everyone's points and have decided not to contact him.
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#23 Old 03-15-2007, 02:53 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Thalia View Post




I'd be interested in hearing what the OP's experiences being dumped are.

I've always been the dumpee, (except for one case where it was mutual, but still hurt). It can take years to get over. I have at least one person it's been 10 years and I still am afraid to talk to him. I just don't want to be reminded of that time of my life and what he did to me.



... I've actually never been dumped, so I dunno what it feels like. I've had my heart broke, but I was still the one who broke up w/that particular ex...
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#24 Old 03-15-2007, 01:00 PM
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Originally Posted by MZCsmpsns View Post

I haven't contacted him, but I do want to, to see how him and his family are doing. He thought we were going to get back together, etc... and is mad because I've slept w/other people after I broke up w/him.. but I will definitely consider waiting to contact him from what you said.



Sounds like he thought the connection was still going to be intact. I'd wait awhile to at least let it break off... I am talking in terms of half a year at least.
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#25 Old 03-19-2007, 07:48 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MZCsmpsns View Post

TY you all for the advice. I see everyone's points and have decided not to contact him.



Good call. I think Kiz said it best - he knows how to reach you if he wants to get in touch. Let him decide.
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#26 Old 03-24-2007, 02:44 PM
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I was stupid the other night & contacted him I'd been drinking, been a lonely week, another ex contacted me... etc... so I went ahead and wrote him-which I immediately had my regrets. I said something like "I know it's out of line to contact you, I just want to know how your family is doing, sorry & I know it's wrong that I'm asking" (not that saying it like that excuses me from doing that) he said they were fine, I said thank you, he said you're welcome & I closed the window... then he kept going on about everything, which I should've expected & it was my fault because I was in the wrong for talking to him... I showed my bro the convo & my bro said he's psycho, I was like, so other than the fact I'M the one who contacted him, you still think that? He said yes, he's just plain psycho. I haven't got a hold of him since & Last night he wrote me and said "Sorry, I can't do this anymore, this is the last message you will get from me. I hope you get your life in order, Love you forever"



I dunno why I wrote this, guess as an update & I just wanted to vent.
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#27 Old 03-24-2007, 02:57 PM
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Well, now you know and you tried so you won't be curious as to what would have happened.
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#28 Old 03-24-2007, 03:08 PM
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That's true
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#29 Old 03-28-2007, 11:01 AM
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A similar thing happened to me. I started dating a long time friend and by the time I realized it was just a fling for me he was thinking marriage. Needless to say I completely broke his heart, and his families. I let him be for a long time, maybe a year almost, before I contacted him via email just to see how he and his family were doing. I did this mainly because I regret losing that friendship we had before we started dating. Things will never be the same, though. I hear from him every once in a blue moon, but it's always very short and I get the feeling that he's still hurt, two years later. It doesn't sound like he's dated anyone else either. It never feels good knowing that you've hurt a friend like that.
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