Thank you everyone for your advice and support. A lot of what you're saying isn't what I want to hear, but I know that you're right.
The hardest part is that I don't have the choice of cutting my mother out of my life. I'm seventeen years old and still completely financially dependent on my parents. I still live with them and everything. Lately it's been particularly bad because I couldn't get a job this summer and I don't have many friends, so I've been spending a lot of time at home. I've also been having issues with depression and anxiety (which I posted in a previous thread, so I'll spare the details) that her alcoholism aggravates. She's been particularly bad lately...I'd say she's been drunk a higher percentage of the summer than she's been sober.
So the biggest part of it isn't feeling sorry for her or being worried about her, it's much more selfish than that. I have to deal with her on an every day basis. I can't even stand to be the same room with her because she's just insufferable when she drinks. I think she's unlike other alcoholics in the affect that it has on her...I mean, if you met her when she was drinking, you would think that she was just sort of a strange, spacey person but you wouldn't know that she was drunk. It's more like the way someone would act on E...just very out of it and too happy. My dad thinks it may be reacting with the Busbar she's on, which might explain that partially. It's not just that, though. The person that she becomes doesn't even remotely resemble who she really is, right down to the way she talks and walks and gesticulates and thinks and holds herself. It's a Jekyll/Hyde thing.
This has been going on since I was about eight, so it affects me very deeply. I have nightmares about it, it generally makes me feel less stable and sane, and it's gotten to a point where I'm actually afraid of her. I have no reason to be scared of her since she has never and would never physically hurt me. But I avoid being alone with her at all costs. I mean, if I hear her coming into the room, I run away.
I just got an appointment with a brand new therapist for tomorrow...I've tried this before and it hasn't helped much, but maybe this time will be different.
Again, thank you so, SO much for your support and sympathy and allowing me a place to vent. Like I said, I don't have many friends (just a few close ones who I haven't been seeing much of lately) so online communities like this one really mean a lot to me.