Is it true about men?? - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 08-08-2003, 02:36 PM
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Okay, I know this sounds really sexist and like I'm stereotyping (well, I am, sort of.. but only because I'm confused!! ) but..



Are men really all after 'one thing' only? Ya know what I mean..



Do they really think about 'it' every second of the day?



And if you start a relationship, for example at age 16, would they expect you to 'do things' with them almost straight away?



I'm just wondering because I've never had a relationship before and it all seems quite scary. I don't want a relationship with anyone if all they want is sex. What's the point?



Tell me the truth..please
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#2 Old 08-08-2003, 02:48 PM
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My experience...



I started dating when I was 15. I dated my first boyfriend for a year and made it clear to him that I was not ready to have sex. Although he wanted to have sex, he understood and respected my decision not to have sex and it was never an issue in the relationship.



When I was 20, I started dating someone and a number of months into the relationship I decided I wanted to have sex with him. I talked to him about it. He wasn't sure he was ready (he had a more religious background than I) so we didn't have sex. No big deal.



So, my experience is that men are perfectly capable of respecting a woman's choice not to have sex. And that some men realize they're not ready for sex, and that women can respect that too.



If you do decide to date, make sure it's with someone you feel comfortable talking to. Then you can ask him what he thinks about the issue and not have to read minds
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#3 Old 08-08-2003, 02:53 PM
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Yes and no.



It matters. Some guys, no. They might be gay or religious or whatever. For the rest of us, kind of.



Most of us want "it",but that doesn't mean it's all we want, or even that it would suffice to have "it". The other stuff, even if it's not the primary motivation, is important and often intoxicating.



The advice I would give to a young lady is to assume the guy is trying to get "it" but to realize that you are in control of the situation. You're not obligated to do anything; stay out of compromising situations. (ie. don't get falling down drunk around someone you don't trust; don't get passed out drunk with anyone). Also realize that 9/10 times, the guys is going to be as terrified as you, even if he hides it well.
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#4 Old 08-08-2003, 03:09 PM
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if you find the right guy, he will completely respect your decision.
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#5 Old 08-08-2003, 03:15 PM
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I'll affirm what others have said. I think about sex often, and when I was younger (teens and twenties) I was pretty much always hoping for relationships that would be sexual. There is also pressure on males to pursue sex without thinking about whether it is really right for them or not.



But most guys are also very much interested in the other aspects of relationship - emotional connection, sharing, conversation, doing things together, and nonsexual forms of affection.



It can be a little awkward the first time it becomes clear that one person is interested in sex and the other isn't ready. But between caring people, navigating such a moment won't harm the relationship, and will probably strengthen it.



There are also quite a few guys who are mature enough to realize that having sexual feelings toward someone doesn't mean that they have to pursue a sexual relationship with them.



Blessings, Tom
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#6 Old 08-08-2003, 03:17 PM
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Hmm. Looks like I have a lot of thinking to do about this.



But stonecrest, what kind of guy would want to be with me anyway, if they know this is my opinion? Also I don't have much appeal to anyone really, since I'm not interesting in any way. This sounds harsh but it's true. I get the feeling I'm going to be alone for a long, long time..



Thanks for all your opinions, I appreciate them a lot. Please keep them coming!
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#7 Old 08-08-2003, 03:53 PM
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I agree, I agree, I agree. I'm finding out that Seusomon is always an infinite source of wisdom.



As for sex, it's really simple. Everyone wants it



I'd like to add two more things.



a) Making generalizations about (large) groups of people is never good, you said it yourself. Personally, I don't want to have to do much with the values and behavioral patterns of many men (AND women!), and don't like to be thrown in the same box with them by "men are...", "men want...", "men do..." etc. I'm not an elitist, but frankly I have met many guys I had very little in common with (e.g. in our opinions about relationships).



b) A relationship is the most personal thing between two people. It's just you and him. You ask us if "they" would want to "do things". You should ask them what they want, not us, and also tell them about your worries and what you want (I agree that you may have to think about what you want first, heh). If you find out that you can't talk to them about everything, then it should be clear that they are not right for you. Honesty, respect and communication on both sides are very important, as important as love is.



That you are not interesting is bogus. Everyone is interesting and boring at the same time. Life is beautiful and so are by far most people.



Good luck in finding the right person for you! At the same time, don't make your happiness be solely depending on if you find a guy or not. Relax and don't worry too much. Enjoy your life



My two cents!
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#8 Old 08-08-2003, 03:57 PM
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Oatmeal, you are wise.



> If you find out that you can't talk to them about everything,

> then it should be clear that they are not right for you.



This is absolutely true. You may want to write it on a notecard and keep it in your wallet
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#9 Old 08-08-2003, 04:10 PM
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"But stonecrest, what kind of guy would want to be with me anyway, if they know this is my opinion?"



Believe me, you're coming at this from the direction; you're asking the wrong questions. YOU decide what you want and who you want and go from there; if it doesn't work out, fine. You have control; you make your decisions. I don't believe in compromising at any age, and 16 is way too young to even consider it.
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#10 Old 08-08-2003, 04:16 PM
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Whatever you do, don't EVER have sex with someone b/c you think he won't like you if you don't. You'll only regret it later. Any guy worth sleeping with is the guy who won't dismiss you b/c you won't, especially at your young age.
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#11 Old 08-08-2003, 04:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by VeggiTash

Are men really all after 'one thing' only? Ya know what I mean..



Do they really think about 'it' every second of the day?



Yes, it's true. All men simply want happiness. We can't stop thinking about it.
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#12 Old 08-08-2003, 04:33 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by VeggiTash

Okay, I know this sounds really sexist and like I'm stereotyping (well, I am, sort of.. but only because I'm confused!! ) but..



Are men really all after 'one thing' only? Ya know what I mean..



No.



Quote:
Do they really think about 'it' every second of the day?



Actually, I try to think about 'it' as little as possible. I think It was an over-hyped, over-technical, over-engineered, and over-priced solution to a complex transportation problem.



Wait a minute, you are talkind about "sex" not the Segway.



Quote:
And if you start a relationship, for example at age 16, would they expect you to 'do things' with them almost straight away?



I'm just wondering because I've never had a relationship before and it all seems quite scary. I don't want a relationship with anyone if all they want is sex. What's the point?



Tell me the truth..please



Well hrm, do I want sex as part of a relationship? It depends on the relationship. Having been in no end of stupid situations where the sex was great but everything else was ****, I suspect that I'd rather contemplate monkhood (if that is possible for an athiest) than be single and dating again.



There is nothing wrong with not wanting to be in a reationship. There is also nothing wrong with being in a relationship without sex. (Although, beating around the bush with a mess of euphemisms is probably not productive either.)



For most people, sex is not "all they want." In fact, negotiating about sex is probably the easiest part to a relationship. It's all the other things that people want along with sex that make them *******s.
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#13 Old 08-08-2003, 04:39 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by VeggiTash

Hmm. Looks like I have a lot of thinking to do about this.



But stonecrest, what kind of guy would want to be with me anyway, if they know this is my opinion?



Lots and lots and lots. Trust me - there are many who will appreciate having a girlfriend without the pressure about sex, which they may not be ready to deal with themselves. And there are also plenty who would much rather be with someone they care for until the time is right, than to go off with someone who is sexually available but whom they don't really care about.



Just because someone is interested in sex does not mean they wouldn't want a relationship unless it was sexual. Those are really different things.



Quote:
Also I don't have much appeal to anyone really, since I'm not interesting in any way. This sounds harsh but it's true. I get the feeling I'm going to be alone for a long, long time..




Oh my, how could you think such a thing? Just from one post here, I know you're interested in vegetarianism, you're intelligent, you're open about yourself and aware of your own values and needs. Those qualities are hugely attractive to lots of people. And I don't even know what else you have going on!



Fate is sometimes finicky of course - we don't automatically run into the right people at the right time and in the right context. Finding someone isn't about turning heads or attracting attention in some dramatic kind of way - it's about knowing yourself well enough to sense possibilities when you meet people, and having the self-confidence to approach people and interact, even though lots of contacts won't pan out.



You'll do great.



Blessings, Tom
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#14 Old 08-08-2003, 04:45 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by kirkjobsluder

In fact, negotiating about sex is probably the easiest part to a relationship. It's all the other things that people want along with sex that make them *******s.



Boy is that the truth!
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#15 Old 08-08-2003, 04:54 PM
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Third post in succession, oh well.



Just had to add one more thing. Personal example: I had my first real girlfriend at age 19 - and I was so caught up in the romantic, tender aspects of it that sex never came up at all. I was just walking on air, waiting for the next hug.
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#16 Old 08-08-2003, 05:10 PM
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I just find this stereotype to be offensive in the extreme (partly because certain exes would use it as a way to conclude any argument about what was going on emotionally in the relationship, "Ohh, your'e just a walking hormone.")



But to be blunt, if one just sees men as the steriotypes in the first post, then one is not ready for a relationship. If one seriously has to ask on a bulletin board system if these steriotypes are true, then one is not ready for a relationship.
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#17 Old 08-08-2003, 05:29 PM
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The first time I had sex, I wasn't ready. i did it because my boyfriend was and therefor I thought that I should. I've learned now to set my own boundaries. I will say straight off the bat if i want it or not. If you don't, then there might be misconceptions and hurt feelings. Know what you want and don't be afraid to tell that to a guy. Yes, you might run into that sometimes where a guy will just want sex, but if you know what you want then that should not be a problem. Also, by making yourself believe that you have nothing to offer will make it so that you offer less. if you believe that you can offer a guy a lot (even if you don't believe it, force yourself to believe it ), then you can offer him more than you may think. Don't convince yourself of something that you're not. That quality that you might think is absolutly boring, a guy might think that it is the most amazing trait in you. You never know what might turn him on.

Also, you are still young. Don't try to force a relationship because you feel like you should. You should never need a relationship. I think it's good that you're honest about being scared, becuse that might cue you in that you're not ready for a relationship. How you know when it's right, is if you meet a guy and you're not scared. That will let you know that he is the right person for you. Good luck!
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#18 Old 08-08-2003, 05:33 PM
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i'm a gal, i think about sex nearly every day. i think i have a fairly high drive. I woulnd't say all the time, but a lot.



anyway, i have just forgone relationships if a guy seems to be the type to pressure me into something--but most guys aren't like this. It's a "fear of god" sort of thing to say that "that's all they want"--it's to keep you scared of them.



boys/guys/men are nothing to be afraid of. That doesn't mean that you dont' use your head, and tht you can be willy-nilly about things--but most of them are very gentle, loving, and respectful (in my experience). Most of them are just as nervous as you are about these issues, and they don't want to be hurt either.



Also, the cultural idea that men have to be over-sexed, or have this hugh sex drive, or "that's all they want" really hurts them. Some try to live up to this bizarre and unrealistic standard, and that is sad. Others feel inadequate because they don't meet this standard. and on the flip side, some girls feel inadequate because they can't live up to this idea that that's what boys want so that's what they should give, and sadly, other girls give in before their ready because they assume that their guy is into this standard.



So, the best thing is communication and determining what is right for each of you in the relationship. If the guy, for some reason which may even be a good reason, can live up to that cultural idea, then perhaps he isn't for you and you should move on. Otherwise, you'll likely find that the men that you meet are gentle, loving, and respectful.
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#19 Old 08-08-2003, 05:46 PM
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I agree with Zoe. I have been in great relationships where sex was not the issue. I think about sex every day too....maybe a little more than that, but that doesn't mean that I go and do it everytime I think of it. I don't think guys are like that either. Just worry about finding a guy that you can talk openly to and things will happen naturally.
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#20 Old 08-08-2003, 05:58 PM
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Most men have a large sex drive. I've met a lot of men who are only interested in sex, but not all men are like that. I will say that there are a lot of men who believe that a woman is simply a pair of breasts and a body. There are quite a few who believe otherwise.
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#21 Old 08-08-2003, 06:18 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by VeggiTash

But stonecrest, what kind of guy would want to be with me anyway, if they know this is my opinion? Also I don't have much appeal to anyone really, since I'm not interesting in any way. This sounds harsh but it's true. I get the feeling I'm going to be alone for a long, long time.



hey, you'd be surprised! there are guys in the same boat as you, whether you believe it or not. not every guy thinks he's terribly interesting or so appealing to the other sex.



for what it's worth, i'm waiting til marriage to have sex. so is all i want in a relationship sex? heh, well the answer is obviously no, and in fact, i'm looking for a female that's like that too.



just as there are guys that prefer blondes and guys that don't, there is every type of guy out there, you just have to find the right one. and stop selling yourself short!
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#22 Old 08-08-2003, 06:30 PM
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Yes I think about sex alot. It's not my fault I am blessed with testicles.



However, it's not what I'm after in a relationship. I'll admit there were certain relationships where I just wanted sex, but I matured and don't think about that as being the main goal anymore.



What's important to me is finding someone I click with, and someone to love. Once I do find someone that's right for me and vice versa, sex will fit in nicely.
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#23 Old 08-08-2003, 08:13 PM
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I am actually friends with a guy who is waiting to have sex until marriage.. His girlfriend was the one pressuring him.



Definately not all guys are the same. There are the respectful ones, and the ones who will pressure. I once dated a guy VERY briefly (I mean, about a week. lol) that was very pressuring. I got out of that relationship really fast. It's amazing how fast some guys want to move. But for the most part I have been very lucky with whoever I have dated. They have been very respectful of my decisions.
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#24 Old 08-08-2003, 09:02 PM
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Most of us want "it", anywhere, anytime.



Don't trust the ones who say they don't.
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#25 Old 08-08-2003, 09:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by FafaFrappy

I am actually friends with a guy who is waiting to have sex until marriage.. His girlfriend was the one pressuring him.



Well, yeah. I think this goes on as well. I've had female lovers who threw a fit because I wasn't in "in the mood" for the romantic (erotic) weekend they had been planning for a month. (Yeah, a family member just went into the hospital and my sense of romance is the problem?)



I've just read too many comments from women who said they would just flip out if their partners stopped having sex with them or were not interested in having sex after a reasonable number of dates to really consider this just a guy thing.
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#26 Old 08-09-2003, 12:33 PM
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"what kind of guy would want to be with me anyway, if they know this is my opinion? Also I don't have much appeal to anyone really, since I'm not interesting in any way. This sounds harsh but it's true. I get the feeling I'm going to be alone for a long, long time.."

---------------------





Didn't you say you were 16 in another thread. I think you should make a rule of not doing anything for years especially since it sounds like you're confused (which is normal). I think you have to figure yourself out more and worry about this stuff when you've figured yourself out more.



Unfortunately I think there are a number of guys (girls too I suppose) at that age who are pressured by their group to have sex so they can fit in or be cool or whatever. I think this pressure is absoluetly the worst possible reason to have sex (and it's total nonsense) so I hope you consider that when making decisions.



Any guy who just wants that and pressures you all the time (and isn't interested in you in other ways) isn't worth your time IMHO



Just my opinion.
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#27 Old 08-09-2003, 03:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by VeggiTash

Are men really all after 'one thing' only? Ya know what I mean..



Do they really think about 'it' every second of the day?



And if you start a relationship, for example at age 16, would they expect you to 'do things' with them almost straight away?



That's an individual thing... you shouldn't generalize, and (fortunately ) you shouldn't judge guys by the things they say when they hang out together & drink beer, if you know what I mean. There are many different kinds of men. Some think that friendship is the most important thing in a relationship; others don't. Some find sex very important; others don't. Some want lots of it; others don't. For some it comes naturally to respect a girl's boundaries; for others it doesn't.



My advice: take your time to get to know someone before you jump into a relationship. Enjoy that period where you just learn new things about each other all the time. In the meantime, you'll automatically find out how he feels about sex and relationships, or you'll at least get some clues. And don't forget that men are not some other species; they have tons of thoughts, feelings etc. that you can relate to as a girl!
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#28 Old 08-09-2003, 07:32 PM
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don't do it unless you are totally, totally ready to do it. and if your guy loves you, he won't make you do it with him if he knows you don't want to!!!



i have had 4 BFs before my current one, who is the one i really love, and i never had sex with either of the 4 even if they asked. you will know when you are ready. (at least, that was the case with me - current BF)



and you know what, my BF is one of those who does not have a high sex drive.....soo.........i don't know if everyone single one of them wants it as much as they can get it?!
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#29 Old 08-10-2003, 06:40 AM
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Wow, thanks to everyone!

You've helped me a lot and made it clearer to me that I definitely need to know myself before letting any guys get to know me.



Some comments have been very interesting and have definitely made me feel much less worried, but others have said the opposite!! However this has just confirmed to me that all men are different -- and I really shouldn't forget it. It's hard when my main role model -- Mum -- keeps telling me bad things about men. I'm learning the hard lesson that my parents aren't as clever or truthful as I thought they were and I should be making my own mind up about things.



It would be easier for me if I had socialised with guys a bit more -- I go to an all girls school and will be doing A-levels soon (still at the girls' school).



Quote:
Originally posted by kirkjobsluder

I just find this stereotype to be offensive in the extreme (partly because certain exes would use it as a way to conclude any argument about what was going on emotionally in the relationship, "Ohh, your'e just a walking hormone.")



But to be blunt, if one just sees men as the steriotypes in the first post, then one is not ready for a relationship. If one seriously has to ask on a bulletin board system if these steriotypes are true, then one is not ready for a relationship.



I was wondering why I was getting left behind all my friends, because they literally chase men and have had relationships in the past, too.

The reason I posted here was because asking my family would've been embarrasing and I really wanted a broad range of opinions from more than one person.



I heard what I needed to hear and now I feel I can stop worrying about silly things and just go along with life until the right guy comes along at the right time for me.



Speaking to people here makes me feel much better, since I don't really get heard at my home so I've stopped trying to speak. I'm much less confused now and I feel a bit more confident in myself and men.



Anyway, thanks again to all
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#30 Old 08-11-2003, 09:02 AM
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i know what you mean veggie tash. i wasn't ready for boys until college, and i did have a few friends who were boys (even though i went to an all girls catholic school.) it was safer to have friends who were boys than to have boyfriends.



only one was ever really disappointed that we never went out, and he and i are still friends, when other long-term friends are no longer speaking (girlfriend issues really).



Your parents are probably telling you that it's all guys want to protect you from getting hurt--and to keep you from getting into something that you may not be able to get out of--and to keep you from being pressured into something that you (and they) don't wnt you to do.



Another suggestion, just as an aside, if you can--talk openly with your parents about your views of sex and boys (which will reassure them) and ask them about how they would approach problems if things happened to you like what may be happening to some of your peers (ie, teen pregnancy or early college years pregnancy, STD, date/aquaintance rape, etc.) Learn about their opinions--if they're open enough to talk about it.



My parents were very open. WHile they did suggest to me that many boys are interested in sex, they also told me that the cultural notion is something that can be worked out--and isn't necessarily something that *i* or another needs to live up to. I also felt very assured by these conversations that if anything happened to be--rape, STD, teen/out of wedlock pregnancy--that they would support me, and we even had very good plans for it. And that was nearly 7 yrs before i even had sex for the first time.



So, parents can be ok to talk to about these things, if they can be candid. Good luck! and be blessed!
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