VeggieBoards (
-   Relationships and Family (
-   -   Grandma Problems (

808veggie 08-06-2003 08:35 AM

So to make a very long story short, I finally got my mom to not smoke directly in front of my 10 month old daughter, and accept that I'm raising her to be a veggie. But she still doesn't respect all my wishes, for instance(she picks her up from daycare 3 days a week for me as I work late) I come to picke her up and she's working on a lollipop! I totally am against feeding a child under the age of like 8 any soda(if they get any at all we don't keep it in the house usually) and definately no damn candy til she's a lot older. I took it away from her and tried to explain it to my mom who thinks I'm being ridiculous. So she mumbled something like "well I'll have to give it to her before you get here then." Completely amazing! She thinks that things like smoke,candy or soda isn't harmful for a child. What's even more amazing is that she's a nurse! Well Anyway, any thoughts out there?

Baby 08-06-2003 08:50 AM

If she can't respect your wishes find someone else to help take care of your baby. Your mothers always going to think she's knows better simply because she's your mother and she's a nurse. Do you pay her for the time she spends watching your child? If not, perhaps this is her passive/aggressive way of showing you how she feels about taking care of your baby.

It sounds like your mom's a bit angry about something?

808veggie 08-06-2003 08:56 AM

She just thinks I'm being ridiculous in my requests. When I asked her to quit smoking around her she totally flipped out and wouldn't talk to me for a week! I explained to her how dangerous both smoking and second-hand smoke can be and she told me it was all lies! She's in total denial! I'm not just doing it to beneift my child, but her as well. She smoked while she pregnant with me and while I was growing up and I told her I believe that's why I've had asthma for 22 years and never grew out of it. But right now I have to rely on her to watch her for a couple of hours a week and no I don't pay her.

zoebird 08-06-2003 09:17 AM


it's a hard call. Ryan and i discussed similar issues recently, and he told me i need to have a little more faith in his parents. My parents would respct our wishes, although they do want to kids to be able to have sweets (such as cakes and the like), which is something i agree is ok in limited quantities, just as they do. RYan tends to be more strict (more along the lines of your thinking) but not quite so absolute.

Anyway, our fear is that his parents won't repsect our chioces regarding our children. So, we've decided that when our kids are with them, we will be there too until i can be certain that they're going to do what i wish.

I think that your problem is a bit of a double bind, because you need the care. But, rack your brain for alternatives.

Also, be certain to explain to her that this angers you not only because you think it is harmful to your child, but because your mother doesn't respect (she doesn't have to agree!), your choices regarding your child. Because she doesn't respect your wishes in the care for your child, you may not let her care for her at all--without your presence.

really see if there are alternatives out there for you (another day care, more day care hours, baby sitters, etc)--and get them set up as a back up if your mother doesn't comply after this explaination.

GOod luck!

808veggie 08-06-2003 09:25 AM

Thanks! It's hard to make her understand, I mean I've been a veggie for 6 years now and she offers me meat and when I decline she says she forgot. Hello? It's a constant battle everywhere I go. My fiance's mom gave her some cake icing one day and she ended up throwing up so we were like DONT feed her anything without our premission and yet it still happens! ARGH! And one more point to make is the 2 times we've left her with a family member for a few hours she has gotten hurt. The first time she busted her top lip and that little sting that connects the top lip to the gum and this weekend she busted her chin on a tile floor. I mean am I just being too over protective with her?

Baby 08-06-2003 11:22 AM

No, you're not being over protective of her. You're doing the best you can by her. Seriously, how could you know something is harmful to your childs well being, and then go ahead and allow her to have it? Perhaps you could bring your mom some literature on the ill effects of refined sugars, second hand smoke, and a meat based diet. Well maybe just begin with the refined sugars.

Let her know that her difeance is not only not amusing, disrepectful, but it also borders on abusive, especially if she's aware of it's dangers and continues do it to spite you. Ask her why she is so invested in giving your daughter something you disaprove of.

BTW, both my mother and my boyfriends mother would probably do the same thing. Well, maybe my mother wouldn't give her candy, but she would definitely feed her meat.

I've been a vegetarian fifteen years and my mother still trys to feed me meat.

carnelian 08-06-2003 01:56 PM

I would not tolerate that behavior, mother or not. If money is an issue (I know that child care is very expensive), perhaps you could swap babysitting time with other mothers, so no money exchanges hands. I love to swap and have done it many times in a variety of ways. Your mother is being disrespectful of your wishes, and I would be highly insulted if it were my mother. Time for tough love.

Tame 08-06-2003 02:18 PM

Sounds like you need to quit using Grandma as free childcare.

808veggie 08-06-2003 02:21 PM

Oh yeah and my other problem is I'm getting married in 6 months and she and my step father are footin half the bill. I don't know what to do. I have no other family here really,my brother lives 30minutes away and I have no real close friends who don't work.*sigh* I hate the thought of not letting her see her grandchild. Maybe if she just will not feed her meat and soda I can lighten up about the other stuff. Not the smoking of course!

carnelian 08-06-2003 02:44 PM

Don't let your wedding be the reason for tolerating this truly unfortunate, unacceptable behavior from your mother. Keep in mind that you are an adult (I know parents can treat you otherwise, no matter how old you are) and are in control of your and your baby's life. Even if you don't have other relatives or friends who can babysit, are there any community assistance groups you can turn to for ideas? Something perfect for you might be right under your nose, but you aren't aware of it. Best of luck to you.

808veggie 08-06-2003 02:47 PM

Thanks guys. I think it's funny that I'll compromise for her, but anyone else I'd rather be chained to a fence and die for my beliefs!

zoebird 08-06-2003 02:47 PM

well, you always could lighten up a bit--or provide snacks for your daughter that you like.

what does the wedding have to do with this?

i have a problem not letting my inlaw see my potential, future children too. they're *so* looking forward to grandchildren, as they remind me any time i speak with them. (it's really pressure to have kids that we aren't ready for. My mother's like "WAIT AS LONG AS YOU WANT, DON"T BE CRAZY. gotta love my mom).

anyway, i know that they won't respect our wishes (they never really do), so i know that i won't leave my kids alone with them. WE can do family things together, but none of this "kids with grandma rasmussen for the weekend" type thing. No. My parents will care for them on the weekends--so my mom said. and i know i can trust my mom!

Yeah. wedding times suck too, btw, when people get manipulative about what you "should" do and what they want you to do and how much money they're putting out and crap.

oneness 08-06-2003 02:50 PM

Originally posted by 808veggie

Oh yeah and my other problem is I'm getting married in 6 months and she and my step father are footin half the bill. I don't know what to do. I have no other family here really,my brother lives 30minutes away and I have no real close friends who don't work.*sigh* I hate the thought of not letting her see her grandchild. Maybe if she just will not feed her meat and soda I can lighten up about the other stuff. Not the smoking of course!

could you provide the candy and soda, since you could always get healthier ones. HFS generally have natural sodas.

you can easily teach your child that the things she gets to do and have with Grandma are special things for them and that she can only have those special treats some of the time because they are not healthy enough for very day.

Good Luck..

808veggie 08-06-2003 02:51 PM

The wedding is a HUGE part of my life. It's the second one for me, but the first one I just went to the JP in a beach dress and was divorced 16months later, so this one is a big deal so I want her to be a part of it. About supplying the snacks-like her daycare(and I assume like most) don't supply veggie lunches for when she gets older, so I will be packing her lunch daily. So I've told her what she can feed her and like when I told her recently that I finally switched her to a soy formula she told me she'd go out and buy some for her house. So I believe she is trying.

808veggie 08-06-2003 02:53 PM

AAAHHH the spreading of ness again! Man u r one smart cookie(vegan of course)! I didn't even think of that!

oneness 08-06-2003 03:14 PM

Originally posted by 808veggie

AAAHHH the spreading of ness again! Man u r one smart cookie(vegan of course)! I didn't even think of that!

awww, thank you so much

808veggie 08-06-2003 03:16 PM


pickletatertot 08-06-2003 03:28 PM

Unfortunately, the one who has the money usually has the power. If she is providing childcare free of charge and paying for the child's food, it is hard to tell her what she can and can't do. The same goes for the wedding if she is footing the bill.

If she can't respect your wishes, it's up to you to find alternate childcare. Also, I'd pay for the wedding myself before I'd let someone else run the show.

808veggie 08-06-2003 03:31 PM

Oh believe me I'm definately running the wedding myself! But she has provided everything to take care of my child at her won expense i.e. food, toys,clothes,highchair,playpen etc. So I'm stuck.

zoebird 08-06-2003 03:33 PM


in my case, my inlaws weren't paying for the wedding, but we really meddlesome anyway (and demanding). Also, when someone gave them a compliment about how lovely the wedding was, they said "thanks! we tried!" as if they paid for it--rather than "thank you, we think so too. The (my parents) did a really great job!" My mom was totally livid about that--considering that we had to invite all of my in laws friends--couldn't cut any of them--and my parents had to cut theirs and i had to cut some of my list in order for everyone to fit. I did have a space limit.

made me nuts. ack!

GhostUser 08-06-2003 08:09 PM

A few points; some my own, some continuing off others here

Grandparents typically do things behind parents' backs, such as feeding the kids junk food, letting them stay out, letting them drink out of the juice carton, etc. That is what being a grandparent is about for a lot of people; a chance to spoil a child without the responsibility of worrying about it.

Your mother probably looks at it as just a treat; you probably had them growing up and you probably have turned out normal, so no harm was done.

As for protecting her from foods you don't like, I don't know what to tell you. Chances are, you won't be able to shield her from the foods you don't want her to have. She'll have icing and KoolAid and pop when she goes to school. I understand that you want to control what she ingests, but you may have to accept that you cannot have 100% control.

Still, from this post and other ones by you about your mother, I wonder if this is just another way you and your mother are venting about your relationship, without actually talking about it.

You want your mother to respect your wishes. Your mother seems to act like she thinks you are overreacting. Perhaps you are both right?

Your mother does offer free childcare to you. Have you thanked her for that?

Don't be offended by the offering you meat thing. Some people are brought up to believe that it is rude not to offer food. Where I grew up, it is shockingly rude not to offer someone food. Perhaps that is where she is coming from. You politely refuse with a "no, but thank-you." Simple as that.

With regards to the bumping and getting hurt - yes, you maybe being overprotective. She will hurt herself. She will get bruises. She will skin her knees. Let her. Obviously, don't let her catch herself on fire or anything stupid, but bumps and bruises are a normal part of being little. It's the risk that comes with exploring a new world.

Go with your instinct that it doesn't feel right to keep your daughter from your mother - it isn't right.

I do believe that, if someone pays for parts of your wedding, then they have a say in some parts. If you don't like it, then make do without their help. Perhaps pick a few parts of the wedding that you can let go control of (ie flowers, cake, table linens, etc). Those select things are what the other money goes into. Then, they can have a say in those items.

Perhaps help your mom out and buy some of the soy milk for her house. Since she isn't charging you, then it would be a nice way to say outloud, "Thanks for helping me out with childcare. I picked up some milk, so that you wouldn't have to pay for it out of your pocket." Simple things like that go a long way to helpnig people respect you.

Oneness's suggestion is very good. If you insist on controlling everything, then pick out some junk food that is 808 approved.

punkmommy 08-06-2003 08:20 PM

Oh man, your situation does not sound very supportive. As far as the second-hand smoke, maybe have your child's pediatrician give you some pamplets on the dangers that you could give to your mom. If she's a nurse, she should understand. My husband and I have been trying to get my mother-in-law to quit smoking. We usually end up guilting her, "Sebastian dosen't want his mom-mom to die, please stop smoking" She dosen't smoke when he's over their house, and she dosen't smoke in her house. She's not allowed to have him see her smoke.

I think Oneness has a great idea about bringing food to your mom's for your daughter. There are People Pops that are found at most hfs. Maybe keep some juice and seltzer to make spritzers. Maybe if your mom had something to give her that was appropriate, she wouldn't feed her stuff you don't want your daughter to have. If she still dosen't respect your wishes remember, YOU ARE YOUR CHILD"S PARENT! Tell your mom this and explain to her that it is important for her to follow your discretion or there will be consequences ( like only allowing your mom to visit with your daughter at your house).

As far as your whole wedding situation-elope. Seriously, if you're going to be that endebted to your family, go to a Justice of the Peace or something. That's what my husband and I did-$40, no guilt, no "paybacks".

Tame 08-07-2003 10:21 PM

Originally posted by punkmommy

If she still dosen't respect your wishes remember, YOU ARE YOUR CHILD"S PARENT! Tell your mom this and explain to her that it is important for her to follow your discretion or there will be consequences ( like only allowing your mom to visit with your daughter at your house).

Hard to do when Grandma is providing childcare 3 times a week.

Look, grandparents are grandparents. They like to give kids treats, just like you had when you were a kid. i kinda side with Krista on this - ease up a little, and pick the battles you want to die for...

GhostUser 08-07-2003 10:34 PM

Kids like to get treats from grandparents. It's one of those fond memories that everyone talks about when they think about their grandparents, after they've died. "How grandma picked me up from school and always let me have a candy."

Tame is right; pick your battles. Is this really worth fighting over?

punkmommy, 808 already said that this is her second marriage and she wants the wedding. She already did the JP route and doesn't want it the second time around. This is important to her, so a little sucking up to those paying for it maybe in order

GhostUser 08-08-2003 08:18 AM

For grandparents, feeding candy and providing 'pleasures' that are forbidden by the child's parents (b/c that's probably how she sees it) are often ways of 'buying' the child's love and affection. Maybe your mom needs a little extra reassurance that she can win a place in your child's heart by simply being herself and being a fun grandma. And if she does slip up once in a while and gives your child some candy that you don't approve of, it's not really such a big deal, is it? Personally, I wouldn't compromise on meat or smoking, though.

808veggie 08-08-2003 11:11 AM

Thanks everyone. Last night when I picked her up my mom was dressing her and when I asked why she said "she had a sucker momma" and I just let it go. At my house I can monitor what she gets and at daycare. She only watches here about 2 hours 3 times a week so I guess I will give up a little. But like this weekend we are going wedding gown fabric(my sis in law is making it) shopping and for other things so I'll be the one in control. I look at it this way I'll teach her those are special treats at grandmas and at our house we eat differently, not better(I don't want her bashing grandma at least until she's more informed and can do it nicely!). I figure behavior is something that is taught not already embedded. Children don't automatically come wired to be crack heads, overweight or mean-it' learned from watching grown-ups and what they tell them. So I will choose to raise her the best I can and make no apologies for being "different" and if she wants to be an omni I will let her.

Thanks for letting me vent!

EquiPro 08-08-2003 11:21 AM

Tame and Kristadb said exactly what I was going to say. Their advise is really sound.

I wanted to just add a little story here. I remember reading in the "Girlfriend's Guide To Pregnancy" a little quip about protective parenting and how each subsequent child is treated (this is paraphrased and from memory):

When the first child drops the binky (pacifier) on the floor, you run it through the dishwasher to make sure that it is nice and sterile.

When the second child drops the binky, you run it under some water in the sink and wash it.

When the third child drops the binky, you stick it in your own mouth, and then give it back to them.

The fourth child has to fish it out of the dog bowl themselves.

I remember when my daughter was young, there was this article on a TV show about child-proofing your house (of which I had done almost none), and they were talking about the door stops that are behind your doors in your rooms. They have this little "cap" on the end of the spring there. In the TV article, they were not only removing the cap (which just pulls off), but were removing the springs, too because kids could get their fingers pinched in them.

I have a girlfriend who had had a baby just a little earlier than me, and it was her THIRD boy. She was my "mommy" reference. I called her up all worried about this door stop thing. I told her that I had taken off the cap, but I didn't know what to do about the spring. She said, "do nothing". I said, "but what if she gets her finger pinched?!?". She said the words that have become my motto as a parent, "Well, she'll only do it once then, won't she?"

Children DO only do things once, when they find out that they are doing has a consequence they don't like!

Now, the limit here is if it is something that will put them in the hospital, however, a trip to the emergency room is a close call with regards to acceptability. I have to say, since that day, I have adopted the "she'll only do it once" rule.

We're outiside. We have a pool and are watching her crawl to the edge. OH NO!, my husband starts to reach for her. I stop him and tell him, "let her go. She'll only do it once". In she goes. Yup. From that point on, she knows what the edge of the pool is.

She's a cruiser. I tell her not to grab onto the magazine rack. She does it anyway, and promptly falls down amidst a bunch of magazines (now, keep in mind, I knew that it wouldn't her hurt if she fell). Wow. Amazing. She never did it again!

I go over to my friend's house and her now 2 year old is busy attempting to nail some house nails into a board that she had given him, with a full sized hammer. "Oh my goodness, Jodi, what if hits himself with the hammer?" Her response, "If he does, he'll only do it once". He never does.

Regarding the bruising, I hope that you can adopt some of that philosophy. The American Indians used to say that a child could never understand the fire without first putting their hand to the flame. It's a good thought.

Regarding the Mom thing, I'll just add this. You can not change her, you can only change the way that you react to her. If you don't like how she is babysitting your child, then you need to send your child to a caregiver that will respect your wishes because you pay them to do so.

Remember, your Mother isn't getting all worked up about this - she's fine. This is bothering YOU and you are the one who needs to change the situation if you so desire.

Same with the wedding.

Good Luck.

monkeyandbunny 08-08-2003 11:51 AM

I second Tame, Equipro and Kristab. They took the words out of my mouth!

soilman 08-16-2003 08:44 PM

"Maybe if she just will not feed her meat and soda I can lighten up about the other stuff. Not the smoking of course!"

I'd go for letting the kid have sodas, but not letting the kid have lollipops. Since the sugar in soda is dissolved in lots of water, it is less likely to cause tooth decay than pure sugar sitting right against the child's teeth for 1/2 an hour.

Next time she smokes near the child I put her in a locked car in a locked garage and turn the car on and make it so it can't be turned off.

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:35 AM.

Powered by vBulletin® Copyright ©2000 - 2020, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.

vBulletin Security provided by vBSecurity v2.2.2 (Pro) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2020 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
User Alert System provided by Advanced User Tagging (Pro) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2020 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.