Some advice please (moving on from ex) - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 11-08-2006, 01:55 AM
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I'm gonna try and keep this as short as I can... Ok, me & my ex (who's my first love..as in actual love, not first I've slept with) broke up about 2 1/2 wks ago.. I'm still sooo not over him... I haven't been w/anyone since (sexually or dating) Well, my online friend, who I've talked to for about 7 years now, and started talking on the phone maybe 4-5 months ago, well, his sister's bf lives about an hour away from me and she's planning on visiting him next month, and since it's so close my friend is prolly gonna go with so he can stay w/me... which it'd basically be a "friends w/benefits" thing (we're both into eachother, but he's in NY and I'm in KS) Tonight me & him were talking, and were wondering since I'm not over my ex, if that'd be such a good idea... i dunno how i'd react to affection & stuff.. i think it'd be fine, but since I haven't been w/anyone in any way like that since, I dunno how I'd react to affection... I have slept in the same bed & cuddled w/some of my friends since the breakup, but that was all strictly friends only, so I dunno how i'd be w/someone where it's more than just friends... anyway, this has been bugging me so I'm wondering if anyone has any advice on if I should have my friend come or not. Also if anyone has advice to get over my ex, that'd be great, too.



Sorry if this is all over the place, but It's late and I keep getting distracted... plus I don't know how to articulate my thoughts...
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#2 Old 11-08-2006, 06:53 AM
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I'd guess that if you were truly ready to have uncomplicated, "friends with benefits" sex then you wouldn't need to be here asking for advice, you would just go ahead and do it. If you feel the need to check yourself and ponder how your emotions are going to go, then you're probably not ready.

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#3 Old 11-08-2006, 07:34 AM
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You've got to do what's right for you. In your shoes (not over the other guy yet) I'd have your friend sleep on the couch. (But keep in mind that I know that for ME the "friends with benefits" thing just wouldn't work, since I get emotionally involved - so he'd be on the couch anyway.)
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#4 Old 11-08-2006, 02:11 PM
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You don't need to decide what you're going to do next month now, however you should set your friends expectations. If you don't know whether you want him to stay with you make sure that he can stay at his sister's bf's place. Also let him know that you aren't sure how you're going to feel about doing anything more than hanging out when he is there.



If he agrees to your boundaries then when he's here you can choose to loosen the boundaries or not. If you aren't really sure, I'd suggest keeping the boundaries. If he's here and it feels right to have him stay with you and/or go beyond just hanging out you're always free to change your mind.



I've found the best way to get over someone is to indulge myself by doing things I didn't have time for when I was with that person. I like to re-evaluate what is important to me, examine how I treated myself when I was in the relationship and change the amount of time/energy I devote to myself if needed. Sometimes I set goals to do things that I've wanted to do but haven't done yet. For example after one break up I decided to take an art class because it's something I really wanted to reconnect with. Not only did it give me a great experience, it also got me ready for my next relationships and has given me a new focus in life ever since.



Good luck getting over your last relationship. Be good to yourself, take care of yourself and be brave enough to be honest enough to learn from what transpired.
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#5 Old 11-08-2006, 02:59 PM
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2 1/2 weeks is NOTHING. I've read it takes half as long as you dated to get over someone. True or not, I don't know.



I'd say if you've talked to this guy for that long, it's more than just sexual. It's hard to have a FWB when there are emotions tied in. If you're vulnerable right now, odds are you're the one who's gonna get emotionally tied in and its going to make things worse for you.



I'm not saying don't tap it...



In fact, I learned the quickest way to ruin a cyberrelationship with someone is to meet them. You realize all your mental fantasies of this person are so completely off.



Anyhoo... Good luck in whatever you decide.
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#6 Old 11-08-2006, 03:59 PM
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He knows about everything, so he knows that I may not wanna do anything other than just hang out as friends. I let him know not to have any expectations considering everything, and he's understanding towards that. Anyway omg I'm distracted again so I'll leave it at that... TY all for replying, it's very helpful!! TY!!
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#7 Old 11-08-2006, 11:28 PM
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2 1/2 weeks is such a short amount of time! i can relate.



i am also going through a break-up...or, i guess i did just go through a break-up...2 1/2 months ago.



it's very hard. i definitley feel like i could use some affection from someone else--intimacy. but, i don't think i'd be able to do it w/o some wierd emotions getting involved if it had only happened 2 weeks ago.

but, sometimes there is nothing better to get you through a break-up than someone else.



although, ideally that's the case, but realistically i don't feel that it works very well. i think trying to find other people to take your mind off of what's going on is healthy--necessary to some degree, yet it also puts off the fact that you are alone again. and, i know for me being alone is hard. i'm not good at it, but that's because of a lot of other, deeper issues.



anyway. sorry, i don't know if this is helping. i think i'm just ramblig a bit. i would say if you are questioning it, you might already know the answer. regardless of whether it's "good" or "bad" for you...you are going to end up doing whatever it is that you feel like doing at the moment...even if the next day you regret it. i think that's part of the whole process you need to go through though.



but, if you ever need anyone to talk to...i know what you're going through!



jill.
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#8 Old 11-09-2006, 12:06 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MZCsmpsns View Post

Well, my online friend, who I've talked to for about 7 years now, and started talking on the phone maybe 4-5 months ago, well, his sister's bf lives about an hour away from me and she's planning on visiting him next month, and since it's so close my friend is prolly gonna go with so he can stay w/me... which it'd basically be a "friends w/benefits" thing



Do what feels right to you but if it was me, I wouldn't be screwing up a 7 year friendship to just be **** buddies with this guy. When you've known someone that long there's bound to be some emotions involved which is exactly what you dont want with that kind of sex, and where you have emotions you've usually got trouble to follow.



If you're really after friends with benefits sex, it might be better for your friendship in the long run if you looked elsewhere.
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#9 Old 11-09-2006, 12:26 AM
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Do what feels right to you but if it was me, I wouldn't be screwing up a 7 year friendship to just be **** buddies with this guy. When you've known someone that long there's bound to be some emotions involved which is exactly what you dont want with that kind of sex, and where you have emotions you've usually got trouble to follow.



If you're really after friends with benefits sex, it might be better for your friendship in the long run if you looked elsewhere.



This sums up my thoughts almost completely. I've been in a FWB situation and both parties got hurt feelings over it. Long-term friendships are a lot more important in the long run.



Good advice, astro.
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#10 Old 11-09-2006, 12:55 PM
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i'm not casting any sort of judgement here, but i think you're too sex-focused. i would back away from all of it a bit (including the friend-cuddling) and figure out more about yourself and what your needs are.



i think that you're using sex and other forms of physical affection in a way that may be inappropriate or harmful to your greater good. (this is not to say that sex, per se, is bad, but that you seem to have a strange relationship to it).
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#11 Old 11-10-2006, 12:18 AM
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Originally Posted by ~Brandon View Post

This sums up my thoughts almost completely. I've been in a FWB situation and both parties got hurt feelings over it. Long-term friendships are a lot more important in the long run.



Good advice, astro.



The fact that he lives so far away, we both know it'd only be for a few days. I agree that long term friendships are definitly more important than sex, and I do believe me & him would be able to keep a friendship after just because the way we are w/eachother. The more I talk to him about everything the better I feel, cuz I know there's no "obligation" to have sex or anything, and we've talked about the emotional aspects of it all.
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#12 Old 11-10-2006, 12:28 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zoebird View Post

i'm not casting any sort of judgement here, but i think you're too sex-focused. i would back away from all of it a bit (including the friend-cuddling) and figure out more about yourself and what your needs are.



i think that you're using sex and other forms of physical affection in a way that may be inappropriate or harmful to your greater good. (this is not to say that sex, per se, is bad, but that you seem to have a strange relationship to it).



I've never thought of it that way (about me using sex & affection in those ways) Definitly a thought I'll explore. (BTW, first, it doesn't seem as if you're casting any judgement, second i'm open to any and every thought of all aspects of anything-i don't get offended easily)



What exactly do you mean by a "strange" relationship to sex?
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#13 Old 11-16-2006, 05:13 PM
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My advice is to keep busy, exercise and eat well. I wouldn't rush into a sexual relationship with someone so soon after the break up.



One of the things that really helped me was starting swing dancing lessons. I'm still doing it now three months later and I really love it.
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#14 Old 11-16-2006, 05:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MZCsmpsns View Post

The fact that he lives so far away, we both know it'd only be for a few days. I agree that long term friendships are definitly more important than sex, and I do believe me & him would be able to keep a friendship after just because the way we are w/eachother. The more I talk to him about everything the better I feel, cuz I know there's no "obligation" to have sex or anything, and we've talked about the emotional aspects of it all.



It's good that the two of you have talked about the various aspects of everything. It's ultimately a decision that you and your friend will have to make together. Whatever happens, just make sure to keep the lines of communication open and listen to one another.
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#15 Old 11-16-2006, 07:37 PM
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I cannot imagine getting into a relationship with anyone just 2 1/2 weeks after a breakup. I cannot imagine sleeping or even cuddling or even WANTING to. I think breakups take much, MUCH longer to heal and you shouldn't get into anything else for a while.



Oh, and I totally agree with zoebird.
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#16 Old 11-17-2006, 04:21 PM
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I agree with Zoebird too.



And I totally disagree with the person (sorry I don't remember who) who said you should get involved again right after a breakup. You have to "mourn" your ex before you jump on someone else. It's not fair, both for you and the new boyfriend, to use him like a kid would take his booboo to deal with his problems.



Just my opinion though.
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#17 Old 12-22-2006, 01:20 AM
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Was going through my old posts (cuz my bf saw my 'long distance vs close distance' post, so I wanted to see what dirt he could dig up on me, haha)... just wanted to update and say he did visit and we are now happily a couple & I'm going to visit him in a week. Our lines of communication are definitly open & everythings going down a good road.
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#18 Old 12-22-2006, 02:09 AM
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So happy for you!
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