Breakup Help!!! **PLEASE** - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 11-01-2006, 05:48 PM
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I really need help doing this! I feel the need to break up with my boyfriend. We've been going out since September, so not a long time, and he's my first boyfriend. Being as brief as I can be, I just feel awkward in the relationship and, personally, I don't think I'm emotionally ready to have any kind of romantic relationship. Also, he really tries to be sweet (buys me chocolate, even though I've told him that, because of a medical issue, I can't eat it, etc...), but I feel bad that he spends money on useless things like the chocolate and the food that I won't eat. I need a guy to be a friend, not to be a moderate suck-up. I still really care for him, and need his friendship.

Here's the thing: I'm torn. I know I need to break up, but when? We're in the middle of play practice right now, and we're both leads, so I'd hate to break it off now and dread going to practice every day for fear of awkwardness (if it wasn't already...). However, I don't want to drag this out because then my thoughts are just going to be occupied by it on the show nights and all through speech meets until I finally feel the "time is right." Also, I've never done this, so how can I say it to him while making him understand that nothing he's done is wrong, that it's totally me, and that I simply feel that I'm not ready for a relationship? Help, guys! Even typing this is making me cry.
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#2 Old 11-01-2006, 06:03 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SOFcowgirl View Post

Being as brief as I can be, I just feel awkward in the relationship and, personally, I don't think I'm emotionally ready to have any kind of romantic relationship.

This would be fine to say to him. You also said that you need his friendship. But I would encourage you to not be friends with him, it's the kindest thing. Being friends would place an unequal burden on him and always be giving him hope. But since it's a relatively short relationship, it's possible you could be friends after a while. Hopefully he's not so into you that he'd be heartbroken for months and months or anything.



I've never been the dumper, so I'm just giving my perspective from the other side. And don't say anything like, I love you, I'm just not in love with you, or I love you as a friend, or It's not you, it's me. I think saying as little as possible about how you feel about him and more about how you feel about the relationship is better, like what you said in your post. I don't think you need to get into the suck up part!
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#3 Old 11-01-2006, 11:11 PM
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I agree with Thalia. Being honest, but not too brutaly honest in a break up is best. I am pretty bad at breaking up with people, but this does seem like the kindest way to do it.



With respect to the timing, I really don't know which would be better for you. Either way is going to suck.



Good luck,

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#4 Old 11-01-2006, 11:14 PM
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" I still really care for him, and need his friendship." that proves ur a *****.
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#5 Old 11-02-2006, 01:49 AM
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agree with above

but just wanted to show some support. its a tough situation to be in
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#6 Old 11-02-2006, 05:02 AM
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thalia said it the way i would have.
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#7 Old 11-02-2006, 08:25 AM
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I could give you examples of how NOT to do it, and I'm not sure there's an easy way to break up with someone. Thalia gives a good suggestion, though. I also like what you said at the end - simply "I'm sorry, but I'm just not ready for a relationship." That's it - nothing else. (It's tempting for women to want to say a lot more, but you probably don't need to.)



As for timing, I'd suggest doing it now. There will probably be some awkwardness, but if both of you approach your roles in the play as professionals (i.e., you're there to do a job, to entertain the audience, etc. not to be a couple) that might actually be a way to get through the awkwardness, and perhaps build some professional respect for each other. (Warning: the opposite could happen, too, if the two of you couldn't take the "be professional" route.) The first week or so is usually the worst, particularly since you guys see each other often. You just have to get through that part I'm afraid.
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#8 Old 11-02-2006, 11:41 AM
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everything I was going to say was already mentioned, so I am just posting for some support
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#9 Old 11-02-2006, 05:16 PM
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Can I just say it's good you're actually going to tell him? It's really nice that you're not just going to disappear suddenly, do silly things to try to make him hate you, etc. Kudos if you're upfront and honest. You'll be ahead of many adults.
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#10 Old 11-02-2006, 05:45 PM
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I definitely have to say "Less is better" as well. I don't recommend just walking out on him with no explanation, but a short, simple explanation (as mentioned above in several posts) is really adequate, especially with a relationship this "new".



(Not saying that a short relationship isn't just as intense and meaningful as a long term one, just that it might not have as much "baggage".)



Hugs and best wishes dear.
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#11 Old 11-02-2006, 07:37 PM
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Well, I did it today. I knew I had to do it sooner rather than later, because I didn't want my thoughts preoccupied with it for that long a time. This is my last play in high school, I have a lead, and I wanted to spend those show nights having fun, not worrying about my break up. I was going to tell him after practice, but he called last night after I went to bed (at 7:30, I was sooo tired!). I asked him this morning why he called, and he said "I just wanted to say happy 2 month anniversary." Yeah. I just stated crying and I told him. He was cool with it, he said he understood and he hugged me, etc... but at practice he kind of ignored me. I don't know if he was being a jerk or if that's just the way he was dealing with it. Oh well. I know I did the right thing because I feel hundreds of percents better already (hey! that's a line from my play!). Thanks to you all for your support! I really do love you people!
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#12 Old 11-02-2006, 07:43 PM
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Good for you. Sounds like it went pretty well (OK, as well as something like that can...). How are you doing? Surround yourself with supportive and understanding friends and STAY BUSY.



Don't feel bad about him ignoring you at play practice now, I am sure it's his way of dealing with an awkward situation.



If you're really serious about breaking up with him, there probably has to be an interim period where you aren't going to be "friends".



Maybe sometime down the road, but don't try to be friends right after a breakup, it sends mixed messages and makes a "clean" break very difficult.
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#13 Old 11-02-2006, 07:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SOFcowgirl View Post

He was cool with it, he said he understood and he hugged me, etc... but at practice he kind of ignored me.



This is probably because he feels awkward, and probably still likes you so now has no idea how to act (just saying this because it happened to me when I was younger and it stayed weird for a year before we started talking normally again).
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#14 Old 11-02-2006, 09:35 PM
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Don't take anything he does or says for a while too personally (if it's mean).



Rejection at first usually gives me the whole range of emotions from "I hate you and I hope you die" to "I love you and can't live without you" to "OK, whatever you think is best". All within seconds. Rejection can turn normally sane people into temporary jerks and insano *****es.



And I second you should be proud. Many adults do just avoid the situation. Like start acting mean, or stop calling.
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