How do you breakup with your parents? - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 06-29-2006, 05:06 PM
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I don't know whether I am being dramatic or if my parents are really picking at me bit by bit. Lately my step dad seems to think I am doing EVERYTHING wrong, I really am trying to do my best, adjust as a family and work through things...but I am finding it extremely hard. Almost every night he comes home and asks my mom how poor of a job I did helping her today, it is almost as if he is looking for her to say...no, she didn't help me one bit, she went out with her friends or whatever else. And sometimes my mom sticks up for me, but most of the time she tells him I left her with everything or Im not being a good enough daughter or sister, or just a good person in general. It's very hard to explain the situation, but my mom does do a lot, she has an entire house to clean, dinner, 2 children, 1 of them only a few months old, laundry, everything a stay at home mom does I guess. She refuses to hire help (hey, isnt that what Im for anyway?) I desperately want to get a job and spend more time with my friends but feel very guilty leaving her with all of the work. I pretty much do the laundry, help with the kids, the dishes, make my step dads lunch, regular 18 year old chores I suppose...but sometimes its overwhelming because it never seems to be enough...and what my dad doesnt understand is that I do spend all day do these things because he comes home and there is laundry so he thinks I dont do it, but he doesnt get that it just doesnt stop. There are about 5 loads each day between our clothes, towels, the baby and bedding. My day is consumed with house work and being a second mother and wife...and its really starting to take a toll on me. I hate that I feel this way because I dont mind helping, I understand I live here for free and that its fair, but they make me feel so bad about myself because its never good enough and my dad is always making it out to be like I do NOTHING. Example: The other day there were 2 loads of laundry left and he got mad and he started yelling about how he has to go to work AND do the laundry and treats me like crap the rest of the night. I feel bad for making this into such a big deal because I know there are so many worse situations out there, but I needed to vent. Any advice would be great.
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#2 Old 06-29-2006, 05:16 PM
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Wow, I don't know if I have any advice for you, but I'm sorry things are so hard for you. I can totally understand you being torn between helping your mom and wanting a life of your own. You do deserve to be with your friends. Getting a job might help, but then you would probably still be expected to do the household chores and have less time to do them. Can you talk to your mom about the situation? After all, it's her life, she should carry the majority of the load, IMO. It seems to me you are doing more than your share for a young person. Obviously, if your stepdad would just be more appreciative you wouldn't feel so resentful. I hope you find some sort of resolution. Good luck.
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#3 Old 06-29-2006, 05:22 PM
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Wow, Sweetie I am sorry you have to deal with all of this



I relate to having a tough home life;I left home at 16 and never looked back.



Have you considered moving out? You should not have to be a 'wife' or 'second mother' at all.



Take care

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#4 Old 06-29-2006, 05:45 PM
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Sucks that you have to be going through that. I think it's great that you help so much around the house, although you shouldn't be olbligated to do as much as your mom does. (which it seems like your stepdad thinks you should) Maybe you could sit down and have a talk w/them, and let them know you don't mind helping out, but you need time for yourself (to get a job/hang out w/friends/or just be alone doing nothing for awhile) Do they know that you want a job? Most parents actually encourage their kids to get a job, and will cut back on their chores to allow them to do so. To me that's the kind of responsibility someone your age needs right now-not being a "housewife".

Maybe you all can come up w/some sort of chore schedule, if they don't agree, make one yourself, list everything you've done that day and leave it where he can see it, so he knows how much you actually do around the house.

Sorry I'm not much help. Hope things change soon. GL
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#5 Old 06-29-2006, 06:15 PM
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Thanks guys, I have talked to both of them about getting a job. My mom hates the idea, she really hates me leaving the house at all even if its just to hang out or visit relatives. My dad does expect me to do as much as my mom does, it's expected to be a 50/50 type of thing. My dad is only ok with me getting a job if the paycheck goes towards the house and family (atleast the majority of it)

The list is a great idea, I think I might write one up and cross everything off when I finish with it, we have done something similar before...the only bad thing about it was that during or after the chores my mom would ask for help with other things like changing the baby or giving my younger sister a bath.

What stresses me out a lot is my younger sister because she is very spoiled and my mom is planning on home schooling her, I do not know how she is going to do that on top of everything else while I have college classes in the fall.

I have tried talking to her about how I feel and she always fires back the same thing, "Now you know how I felt." because she was young when she had me and had the same type of responsibilitys. I don't want to resent my mother, I do want to be close to her and have a great relationship but it is becoming so hard.
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#6 Old 06-29-2006, 07:05 PM
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that's so hard...you sound like a great sister and daughter...unfortunately, some people are never pleased...do a list that you can check off on and leave space to add extra chores that come up...if its really too hard, i would seriously look into moving out--not in an angry way, but in an i'm-a-responsible-person-who-wants-to-be-independent kind of way...it doesn't have to mean that your deserting your family, etc...(i do realize it easier said than done, however)...

and, its not right for your mom to try to make you feel guilty because she was a young mother...i would just respectfully thank her for what's she's done for you, but ask her to remember that you are 2 different people...

good luck!!!
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#7 Old 06-29-2006, 08:52 PM
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I left home at the age of 16, your parents view of you seems unhealthy have you thought of geting a studen job on campus and living in the dorm when you attend school?



I say it seems unhealthy because they seem to see you as a part breadwinner for the family and pardon me maybe this is a big assumption but not liking when you leave to go visit relatives and such?

That is over controling, they have big issues.



Just me but if I were in your place I would leave and get out on my own.

You have a life to live, dont live it for someone else
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#8 Old 06-29-2006, 08:54 PM
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Oh I have tried so many times, reminding her that we are two seperate people. Even today I yawned and told her I was tired and she started going on about how she raised me and took care of her parents and sisters and how if she could do that and not be tired I shouldn't be tired with how little I do. The thing about moving out (trust me, Ive thought about it several times and even have taken mini vacations away from them) is that I miss my mom horribly and end up calling her several times a day. Im very close to her and try to please her but sometimes I just want to scream!
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#9 Old 06-29-2006, 08:58 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ayrlin View Post

I left home at the age of 16, your parents view of you seems unhealthy have you thought of geting a studen job on campus and living in the dorm when you attend school?



I say it seems unhealthy because they seem to see you as a part breadwinner for the family and pardon me maybe this is a big assumption but not liking when you leave to go visit relatives and such?

That is over controling, they have big issues.



Just me but if I were in your place I would leave and get out on my own.

You have a life to live, dont live it for someone else



I have realized that I am much more of my own person when I am not with my parents. I feel much more like an 18 year old and do alot more of the things I like doing. The horrible part is that when I am away I do miss her and I feel selfish because she does have a hard time when Im not home and she does have a lot on her shoulders.
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#10 Old 06-29-2006, 10:01 PM
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^^^

But none of that is your responsibility Deligrape. The only thing you should be responsible for is doing a few chores around the house, the rest is up to your parents to sort out between them.



You really need to have a talk with them about this problem, but ideally, it's your mum who should be having a talk with your step-dad about doing his fair share of the chores when he comes home from work. He's responsible for the extra work created by having a young baby in the house just as much as your mum is, so he needs to do his share and not offload it onto you.



My advice to you would be to get a job, move out and enjoy your life with your friends like 18 y.olds are entitled to do
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#11 Old 06-29-2006, 10:20 PM
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Agree with Astro, you have dealt with this for awhile. It's not right that your step dad treats you this way and sometimes your mom takes up for him and not you.





18 is the perfect time to get the heck away and start a new on your own.



I think sometimes they 'make you feel guilty' and you are not sure how to deal with it because you feel responsible for their actions. Stop. It is only hurting you.
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#12 Old 06-29-2006, 10:31 PM
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The thing I am starting to notice more is that if my mom does not do something around the house or with the kids, my step dad will look down at her... so it's kind of like she'd rather put it off on me and say I didn't help enough or whatever because its easier to do that than deal with him. As if shes pointing at me so he can give me attitude instead of her. I could be totally off, but lately it seems that way.
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#13 Old 06-29-2006, 10:35 PM
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I can't beleive your stepdad expects you to make HIS lunch & then has the gall to get mad at you for not doing some chores. WTF?





I don't have any advice for you, but good luck. Maybe talk to a school counselor?
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#14 Old 06-29-2006, 10:40 PM
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I would deffiently move out. Your mom was a young mother at your age, yes. But she brought those chores upon herself when she got pregnet. You arent a mother, you are a sister, and a daughter. You have gone to above and beyound what should be expected of you to satisfy these people, and still they are unhappy. You need to come to terms that it isn't you not being to go up to their strandards, but them just being unhappy with things. Don't feel like you aren't good enough for him, you seem to be doing a lot more then he does! You aren't married with children, enjoy your childhood.
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#15 Old 06-29-2006, 10:57 PM
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Originally Posted by DelicGrape View Post

The thing I am starting to notice more is that if my mom does not do something around the house or with the kids, my step dad will look down at her... so it's kind of like she'd rather put it off on me and say I didn't help enough or whatever because its easier to do that than deal with him. As if shes pointing at me so he can give me attitude instead of her. I could be totally off, but lately it seems that way.



Your mom is using you as a scapegoat (sorry) I know you want to be close to your mom as you have said before, but WTF, this is not healty. Stop trying to please her or him. I am telling you in a different situation that I have been in, the 'middle' man will always lose, no matter how hard you try or what you do. It does not matter how much you do or try to please each other ( they will never see the good that you have done, just the bad) bottom line is that they use you, and you will carry the 'guilt' not them one bit.
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#16 Old 06-30-2006, 02:34 AM
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You really really need to get out of that house as soon as you possibly can. Seriously.
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#17 Old 06-30-2006, 04:54 AM
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Maybe talk to a school counselor?



I agree. Speaking to a professional is a good idea.



It sounds like your stepdad is a huge part of the problem, even with his attitude toward your mom. People like that don't usually change. He has some issues.
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#18 Old 06-30-2006, 10:29 AM
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Move out. Live with a friend, realtive, at school, anything safer (for your mental health) than your parent's house. You can call home as many times as you like, you can visit, but I would make it very clear you are now your own person. It is very normal to miss your parents when you move out. Don't sweat it.
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#19 Old 06-30-2006, 10:30 AM
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Yeah, what they said, but I just have to say... 5 loads of laundry a DAY??? I don't even understand that. How can a family of four (it is four, right?) possibly generate so much dirty laundry, even with a new baby? That sounds like part of the problem right there. If every day is consumed with five loads of laundry, no wonder it always seems like the chores are never done.



You told us about these problems a few months ago right after the baby was born, and it's obvious that nothing has improved. I'm not going to tell you to move out, but if you're making your dad's lunch, doing the entire household's laundy daily, doing the entire family's dishes (I think you mentioned that before, and I was shocked at how many dirty dishes your family seemed to generate as well), on top of doing schoolwork, you're being abused. Something like doing all the laundry might be a normal chore for an 18yo if it's basically your only chore, but being expected to handle that much laundry by yourself every day on top of your school work and all these other chores is ridiculous. I'm not going to tell you to move out, but you need to take some kind of stand.



Just to put things in perspective, I was a child of a divorced mother of two who was going to night school, and while I was certainly expected to help out and do a wide assortment of chores, it was NOTHING like your load! We were responsible for doing our own laundry weekly (or as often as needed), doing a load of towels/bedding weekly, keeping our bathroom clean, keeping our bedrooms clean, helping get dinner ready and the nightly dishes picked up/washed, making our own breakfast and lunch, sweeping/vacuuming the common areas of the house weekly, mowing the lawn weekly, taking the trash out... but none of this was stuff that consumed us day in and day out or interfered with school. And we didn't have a stay-at-home mom who was available to help out and do some stuff herself.



Should we just call you Cinderella? I guess you're short two ugly stepsisters...
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#20 Old 06-30-2006, 11:45 AM
 
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Del,



I am sorry you are in this painful situation. As someone who grew up with a Step parent and is now one, I have a lot of experience with these kinds of situations. The big problem I see here is that your Mom is failing you. I know that sounds harsh, but it's true. I don't know that much about your situation, but your stepfather is not your father. Him trying to act like he is is NOT a good thing. Your mom is your primary parent and she needs to be the one parenting you, not him. He is providing for the family and it's understandable for him to have rules for the house and all, but ultimately he should not be behaving the way he is towards you (this is an extremely common problem in stepparent situations). Put simply, that is your Mom's job and she should act as a bit of a go-between. It sounds as though she is afraid of him however....



Talking to them is likely not going to help. They would need to see that there is a problem before they changed behavior and I don't get ANY sense that they think there is a problem. If it is a reasonable option to move out, then I say do that. If not, you will have to tough it out until the time you can move out.
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#21 Old 06-30-2006, 12:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tesseract View Post

Yeah, what they said, but I just have to say... 5 loads of laundry a DAY??? I don't even understand that. How can a family of four (it is four, right?) possibly generate so much dirty laundry, even with a new baby? That sounds like part of the problem right there. If every day is consumed with five loads of laundry, no wonder it always seems like the chores are never done.



You told us about these problems a few months ago right after the baby was born, and it's obvious that nothing has improved. I'm not going to tell you to move out, but if you're making your dad's lunch, doing the entire household's laundy daily, doing the entire family's dishes (I think you mentioned that before, and I was shocked at how many dirty dishes your family seemed to generate as well), on top of doing schoolwork, you're being abused. Something like doing all the laundry might be a normal chore for an 18yo if it's basically your only chore, but being expected to handle that much laundry by yourself every day on top of your school work and all these other chores is ridiculous. I'm not going to tell you to move out, but you need to take some kind of stand.



Just to put things in perspective, I was a child of a divorced mother of two who was going to night school, and while I was certainly expected to help out and do a wide assortment of chores, it was NOTHING like your load! We were responsible for doing our own laundry weekly (or as often as needed), doing a load of towels/bedding weekly, keeping our bathroom clean, keeping our bedrooms clean, helping get dinner ready and the nightly dishes picked up/washed, making our own breakfast and lunch, sweeping/vacuuming the common areas of the house weekly, mowing the lawn weekly, taking the trash out... but none of this was stuff that consumed us day in and day out or interfered with school. And we didn't have a stay-at-home mom who was available to help out and do some stuff herself.



Should we just call you Cinderella? I guess you're short two ugly stepsisters...





We're actually a family of 5, my parents, 2 little sisters and of course me. I can't pin point it, or tell you why we always have so much laundry or why there are always dishes in the sink. A couple of the problems with the laundry is that almost everyday my mom is asking me to wash her bedding because sometimes she will lay with the baby and the bottle will drip or my sister will be in the room watching television and spill food or drinks. Another problem is that my sister refuses to keep clothes on, so my mom will try and get her dressed and an hour later the clothes are tossed in the hamper...this happens about 3 or 4 times during the day. As far as dishes go, my sister doesnt eat REAL food and she snacks ALL DAY so there are usually a lot of snack bowls and of course baby bottles and then supper dishes. I have no idea why I have to make my dads lunch, he could just as easily do it in the morning, but let me tell you...if he gets up to leave and his lunch isnt sitting in the fridge he will wake me up to make him one, no kidding. The house is just (clean) but not structered and as far as my sister goes, shes old enough to clean up after herself but doesnt and my dad doesnt have to do anything because my mom sas he works all day and thats enough. Theres not a set time for anything and everything is kind of just thrown out there.
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#22 Old 06-30-2006, 01:02 PM
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I moved out when I graduated high school- i was 17. honestly, I get along with my parents now but it's definitly on my terms... i don't suffer BS from them about my life and the decisions i make.



Everyone deserves to be happy and live the life they want.
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#23 Old 06-30-2006, 03:15 PM
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I've seen similar posts like this from you before, so I'm not going to tell you to move out. I do think that you should move out, but obviously if you feel incapable of doing so, then there are other issues to deal with first. I really think you should talk to a counsillor at your school or something. It's not healthy to feel so guilty about things you are not responsible for, and it's not healthy to be treated like a second wife/mother by your family either. There is nothing wrong with being close to your mother, but I think you need to build up your back-bone and your self-esteem. It seems to me that you are lacking these things and that's what is holding you back from leaving your situation. I think everyone here has already given you all the advice they can. If you want things to change, it is up to you to do something. They are stomping on you because you are allowing them to. I'm not trying to be *****y, that is just my honest opinion.

Good luck.

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#24 Old 07-01-2006, 03:08 AM
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I was put to work as free labor for my father at ten years old and worked for free till I left home. I cooked and cleaned for seven and up to fourteen people at a time(with my sister). At 18, I thought you were fully able to leave home--

Okay, I am Radical in this approach...

I would say your social life is more important than acting as a serf for your family. Your friends will be your co-workers, bosses, and peer group, now and for many years to come. You need to get on top of your social ladder more than take out the trash for mum and dad.



I suffered horribly because of my servitude.. .no social life, no dances, no clubs and so on. I was told through religion and social life that it was good do sacrifice my own needs for the good of the "collective"-- that is a total lie. Be selfish now before it is too late. Your parent's job-- though you probably love them-- ended when you learned the difference between good and evil. Any action now not in your favor is them taking advantage of the abstract of "duty" and "love"-- save that for your OWN family.



Oh and I realise that they actually do have the right to take out their payment for housing in "trade" but really, do you have a contract, and if so, do you have tennant rights? If you dont have tennant rights, you must not be a tennant.
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#25 Old 07-03-2006, 05:59 PM
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Move out, move out, move out, move out, move out, move out...



You're 18, it's time to go anyway. If you miss your Mum then call her, email her, txt her, go see her.



Please move out, this isn't what your life should be like.
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#26 Old 07-03-2006, 06:48 PM
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Basically, I agree with what everyone here is saying. Expecting your parents to change will look a little like this:



If you want things to change, you're going to have to take the initiative. Your parents have absolutely no reason to change their behavior - they have you under their thumb. You do all the housework. You stay home when they want you to. You don't work because they don't want you to. If you did work, you wouldn't be able to use your salary to save up to leave home; they would have extra money that they didn't have to earn. Sorry to be harsh, but it's true. They are not going to change. You will have to do it.



Unfortunately, it will probably be hard for you to take this step until you can see clearly that you are in an abusive situation and your mother is not doing right by you. Until you accept that, you're likely to stay there and continue taking the abuse. For your sake, I hope you come to understand what is happening, and I hope you do what you have to do in order to take care of yourself.



Please see a counselor and get some perspective on the situation. Get support and move out on your own. You can love your mother as an independent adult, and you can love her faults and all. But as long as you stay home, you are letting your parents know that their behavior toward you is okay.



Good luck. It's a tough situation, but you can change it.
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#27 Old 07-03-2006, 08:03 PM
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Sweetheart, are you staying because you are afraid for your mother? Because if you are I must remind you, your first responsibility is your own survival, and so far you aren't doing too well mentally or emotionally, are you?



Don't you think it is time you rescued yourself while you still have the strength to do so. You are a precious Jewel to be treasured and the man you call Dad scares me a lot. No Dad treats his treasured daughter like you are treated. Your mom will be fine.



Just go. Never go back. Not if you want a future.
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#28 Old 07-05-2006, 09:46 AM
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If I were you, I would take out a small loan and get an aparment near where you are taking those college classes. Sharing an apartment is even better. You can get a job that doesn't interfere with classes. You might not be able to pay off the loan for some time, but you will be independent.



Just because you are part of a family does not mean you have to be a slave to their every need. Moving out will make them apreciate how much you have to do. If you mother had to do all the laundry, maybe she will stop letting your sisiter get away with eating junk food on the bed all day, and allowing her to get away with putting on five different outfits everyday. Suggest to her that when she put the baby down on the bedsheet, and the bottle spills or the baby spits up, that she cleans it. It's not your fault she put the bottle on the bed with the baby, now is it? Sometime you need to be a little selfish if you are ever going to change the way you are living.



You are a duagter and a sister. Don't feel guilty for acting like one. Never settle to be treated like another wife/mother.



I hope that things get better for you!
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#29 Old 07-05-2006, 11:16 AM
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i worked two jobs for a long time when i moved out. i didn't have a comfortable fancy existance or pretty clothes and what not, but you have to decide what is more important to you- autonomy or comfort. because believe me moving out and working to survive will be way harder than laundry.
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