severe clingyness.... - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 06-22-2006, 08:26 PM
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I really love my boyfriend. We've been together for about a year and a half, and I really couldn't imagine my life without him. He is a great guy and I believe that we have a very healthy relationship.

The problem is, I am a clingy nutcase. I want to be with him every day, all the time. If I could wake up and fall asleep next to him, nothing would make me happier. I call him quite a few times a day and I get pretty upset to the point of almost being in a panic when he goes out with his friends or doesn't want to see me. If he goes out with friends, sometimes I'll call him 4 or 5 times...and I'm always mad and vindictive. He, on the other hand, can go all night without seeing me even when he knows I'm at a party and stuff. He's just laid back and like, "I trust you."

And its not even that I don't trust him, because I really do. I just feel so much safer and better with him around, like he completes me. What is wrong with me? Why am I so dependent on him? He deals with my **** very well, and I don't see him leaving me over it, but the thing is, I don't like being this way because I think its really awful to treat someone so bad.

Do I need therapy? What should I do? I think to myself, "ok, sometimes Ben is going to go out, and you have to relax. He's not leaving you because he doesn't love you, he needs time apart and his own space....but the thing is, when he goes out or goes away without me, I just get upset.

WHAT DO I DO?
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#2 Old 06-22-2006, 08:35 PM
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You could get therapy if you think it would help. Have you thought about why you're like this? Have you been rejected by someone really important to you in the past or something? If you can figure out why this is then you can think about dealing with it - could save you some money.
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#3 Old 06-22-2006, 09:24 PM
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yeah, i lost my very very important love because i was too clingy, so definately i will warn you, be careful.



just...do whatever you need to do to get your own life, pass the time. do it for yourself, and for your relationship. a therapist will no doubt help, but you can do without i think if you really force yourself to hang out by yourself and relax, because right now you can. if you continue being clingy though, you might actually end up driving your lover away. it happened to me, that's why i am telling you.



good luck
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#4 Old 06-22-2006, 09:28 PM
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my question is (and don't take this wrong) what else do you do during the day? Do you work? Volunteer? perhaps just clean? Perhaps something to fill the empty spots in the day could bring down your anxiety a bit.



that's what helped me. I see Boyfriend a lot, and I felt kind of lost when I didn't have him there during empty times. When I got a job, that helped, and other times, I put on some awesome music and clean. Things to get my mind off of him. It's helped a lot. After a while, my anxiety went down a couple steps on it's own.
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#5 Old 06-22-2006, 09:45 PM
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Remember that there is more to your life and identity than the relationship... You don't want to lose yourself, because that's who he loves. View times when he's out with friends as oppurtunities to do activities that interest you... Get reacquainted with yourself. Don't expect it to be easy or natural for you at first. I hope this helps.
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#6 Old 06-23-2006, 02:48 AM
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I agree with Froggy. Maybe you are clingy because you consider yourself like an extention of him. Like you are missing your right leg when he is gone. That one person's other half is romantic drivil. I think you really ought to get some sort of therapy at least-- It might be a good idea to get to know yourself a little better. But it is really good that you have identified a problem.
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#7 Old 06-23-2006, 03:02 AM
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I don't necessarily see it as either black or white. Some people need more space than others. I know couples who fair very well being together most of the time. Of course, I don't mean 24/7. They have their own jobs and can certainly socialize with friends separately. Other than that they totally enjoy doing most things together. They are each others best friend. If you feel it is an issue and that you are indeed too clingy, I go with what the others here have said. (I am a sucker for romantic drivil BTW! )
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#8 Old 06-23-2006, 06:07 AM
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I don't think you need therapy just yet, but I agree with others here. You need to get a life. Develop some interests away from him, or just watch a movie or two, go for a hike, join a gym, join a book club, start writing a blog about anything else except him. Because if you depend so heavily on him, you are handing all the power in the relationship over to him, and if one person has all the power they really tend to abuse it. If you are your own person and have your own interests, then you can keep a balance in your relationship, and that is much more healthy.
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#9 Old 06-23-2006, 07:51 AM
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You seem very insecure. Build up yourself. Be an equal and good partner to your boyfriend. Clingyness (spelling?) is not a good thing in any relationship -whether between girlfriends or with your parents. Aside for finding "a life" as the others suggested, I think clingyness is a state of mind. Overcome it and you will feel healthier overall.
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#10 Old 06-23-2006, 08:23 AM
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Others have said it well, get a life. Develop your own interests away from him.



Easier said than done, but far, far easier now than 10 years down the line when he's left you for someone more 'independant', and you're set adrift to suddenly find out what in the world really DOES interest you.



Personally (as someone who's gone through a relationship with the other person being the clingy one - ) I hated clingyness and over-dependance in a relationship. It's a signal (or feels to me) that the other person is insecure and desperate.



It made me wonder, "If I wasn't around, would they cling to the nearest friendly person to come along?". It was smothering, draining and exhausting.



I always worrying about if I'd hurt their feelings, if I had told them where I'd be and for how long and why and with whom... I lost my own identity always trying to make them happy and do what they wanted so they weren't left alone for the evening. I finally had enough and moved on.



Not trying to sound negative, just giving you the view from the other side. It sounds like you guys are committed on working it out - talk about it, get therapy if you think it'll help, but most of all, develop a good self-image apart from him!!
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#11 Old 06-23-2006, 01:21 PM
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There is nothing wrong with wanting to be with him. And i think the fact that you can see what you do and clearly say what you do, automatically makes it not as bad. Try working out a two-way thing with him, before thinking you need therapy. Relationships are two-way, and undertsanding what the other person mentally needs is important.

Could it be that it isn't being apart that gets you ansy, but not hearing from him and not always knowing what's going on? Not to say go ahead, be nosey, but try this:

Ask him to give you a call say, mid-way through his outing, so you know he's ok, and having fun, etc. And ask him to call you when he gets home and then you two can catch up. He can tell you how it was, and you can share with him what you were up to (having found something to occupy your time with, like suggested above).

If you feel compelled to contact him, try text messaging instead of calling. Just a simple "How's it going?" or "How are ya?" That way, you are nicely reaching him, letting him know you were thinking of him, while not "interrupting" with a phone call he might feel more obligated to answer right away. But not too many times. Maybe once before you hear from him (that midway thing) and once later on. (Not to say you can't keep going if he replies initiating a convo).



You feel certain you trust him, so maybe the thing is just wanting to contact hm a little and say you were thinking of him. You just don't need to over do that and that depends on how long you are separated and how many times you are colling him. When you said you call him 4 or 5 times, well, that's not a horrible thing if he is taking a two-day-trip, but it is definitely overdoing it if he is taking a one-hour lunch outing, you know? You didn't give any time interval.

But letting someone know you care isn't clingy. So just do that. I mean really, one of you being out wth friends doesn't mean ignore eachother does it? Just be conscious of it. Try the texting, and the two-way idea. If you both know you are thinking of eachother, it won't be as hard to be apart.
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#12 Old 06-23-2006, 01:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tempeh-Tantrums View Post

Personally (as someone who's gone through a relationship with the other person being the clingy one - ) I hated clingyness and over-dependance in a relationship. It's a signal (or feels to me) that the other person is insecure and desperate.



It made me wonder, "If I wasn't around, would they cling to the nearest friendly person to come along?". It was smothering, draining and exhausting.



I always worrying about if I'd hurt their feelings, if I had told them where I'd be and for how long and why and with whom... I lost my own identity always trying to make them happy and do what they wanted so they weren't left alone for the evening. I finally had enough and moved on.



Not trying to sound negative, just giving you the view from the other side. It sounds like you guys are committed on working it out - talk about it, get therapy if you think it'll help, but most of all, develop a good self-image apart from him!!



I agree. I also had to break up with someone who was being way too clingy with me. It was suffocating and emotionally exhausting. Being interrogated all the time on where I was going and with whom etc etc made me lose all feeling of independence. It made me wonder if he had nothing better to do with his time and I felt like he saw me as his personal source of entertainment that he wanted 24/7. I don't mean to criticize, but don't take it for granted that he will never leave you over it. Some (most) people are more patient than me, but we all have our limits, so just be careful. I think it is good that you're trying to improve.



I don't have much else to add, except I agree with the others that you need to develop your own interests. Having a hobby or creating an exercise routine or starting up a weekly 'girls night' will help you become excited about doing things without him. And when you both see each other afterwards, you'll appreciate each other more and have more to share with each other.



and I have to disagree with the text-messaging. I would still find it annoying to find a million text messages from someone, but that is just me. Resist the temptation to call him and go do something else instead. Go outside for a walk. If I am really smitten with a guy, I am tempted to act clingy too, but I just go walking outside or turn off my phone.



ETA: I also disagree with asking him to call you part-way through his outing and then afterwards. That would seriously piss me off if a anyone asked me to do that. But maybe your situation is different. It can't hurt to talk to him and ask him what his limits are and what he is and isn't willing to do, and what things bother him the most so you can at least cut out those behaviours first. I'm no relationship expert but both of you working on it should definately help more than you working on it alone. And if that's still not helping, I agree with the others that you should try seeing a counsillor/therapist to help uncover why you might be acting this way. Good luck.

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#13 Old 06-23-2006, 02:17 PM
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With the text messaging, I did say don't over do it and recommended limiting it to twice, spread out. What's wrong with asking him to call when he gets home? If he cares about her, and knows that would mean a lot to her, he would. She even said he would go for hours not in contact at all if she was out. Clearly he thinks nothing of it, and there is nothing wrong with her saying she would like to hear from him. But again, she should work on limiting it. Text messaging is, i feel, a good way to wean off of repetitive phone calling. Also, by looking in your outbox, she can visually see when she is pushing the limit. I didn't mean to say texting was just instead of calling or that just because he doesn't have to answer a call it would mean she should text to no end either.



ETA: I agree it is definitely something that they would need to talk about. They need to reach a compromise though, allowing them both some of what makes them comfortable. It is not fair at all to say that he is completely off limits during certain times, as I am sure she would not do to him either.
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#14 Old 06-23-2006, 04:20 PM
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I was mostly opposed to calling partway during his outing. I've had friends with controlling boyfriends who would be required do that, to "check in" with their boyfriends halfway through a girls night, and it was really annoying and a bit extreme imo. Calling afterwards, I guess there's nothing wrong with that. I wouldn't want to do it myself but like I said I'm not very patient, haha.



Maybe text-messaging would be an okay compromise. When you mentioned it it just made me think of Bridget Jones' Diary 2 when she is text-messaging her boyfriend saying "I miss you!' literally as they are walking away from each other after kissing goodbye, lol so my opinion on that is biased I guess.

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#15 Old 06-23-2006, 04:55 PM
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When i read your post, you could've been describing me about a year ago, to a tee. i was exactly the same. i hated the thought of my bf being anywhere without me. i over came it by keeping myself occupied & trying not to think about him when he was out. it took a long time but in the end i sorted myself out, with the threat of break up, i didn't have much choice. our relationship was much healthier as a result of us spending time apart minus the arguing from my end.

i hope you get everything sorted out
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#16 Old 06-23-2006, 05:37 PM
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Originally Posted by Starblossom View Post

I was mostly opposed to calling partway during his outing. I've had friends with controlling boyfriends who would be required do that, to "check in" with their boyfriends halfway through a girls night, and it was really annoying and a bit extreme imo. Calling afterwards, I guess there's nothing wrong with that. I wouldn't want to do it myself but like I said I'm not very patient, haha.



Maybe text-messaging would be an okay compromise. When you mentioned it it just made me think of Bridget Jones' Diary 2 when she is text-messaging her boyfriend saying "I miss you!' literally as they are walking away from each other after kissing goodbye, lol so my opinion on that is biased I guess.



Yea I have known people with SO's like that too. It is all in how she goes about it. She can politely say, "you know, I would like to hear from you at some point, to know you are ok" (maybe even ask him to ext instead of call too for that matter) and not "Look, I need you to contact me while you are out and I want to know what you are doing and with whom" But yea, I totally get what you mean with that and it couldn't come across the wrong way. And I didn't mean it as a permenet checking in condition either. just as an adjustment. I am sure he would rather her acknowledge her tendencies and tell him a little way he can help her moderate them, than get 5 phone calls while he's still looking over a menu.
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#17 Old 06-24-2006, 09:02 PM
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Thank you so much for your suggestions. I have taken a lot of them to heart, especially trying to keep busier myself, because a lot of my problem was being at home and not doing anything and missing my boyfriend. So I got an algebra text book to review before next semester (I know, I'm so cool...) and I started working out as well.

Another thing I realized is that a big part of the problem is missing my "intimate" time with him. Since we've been home we don't have any alone time at all, and I think that's taken its toll on our relationship and how much love and intimacy we feel.

In other words, we need to get it on. Heehee.
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#18 Old 06-24-2006, 09:12 PM
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That is all understandable. Just keep in mind though, if you really do love eachother, occasional periods (even long ones) of lacking time for intimacy should not and would not cause any harm to your relationship. Use those times to form and strengthen intellectual bonds. Those are the ones that in the long run stand the test of time. Glad you are feeling better.
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#19 Old 06-26-2006, 08:42 PM
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Don't worry, I have the same problem. It only causes unnecessary strain on my relationship which in turn makes me more anxious, of course.



If you think it is really affecting you, I would consider therapy!
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#20 Old 06-26-2006, 09:06 PM
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There is nothing attractive or sexy about a clingy partner! Get some therapy, but also develop some other interests that can keep you occupied when you two are apart.
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#21 Old 06-26-2006, 09:41 PM
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Guys need space. And if you trust him, you'll give it to him. If you need to call him 5 times when he's out with the guys, and you're upset and pissy at him about it - you really need to get some strength there, girl! Its not even just about respecting his space - but respect yourself! Surely you have something more fun you can do while he's out than call him incessantly.



A little story:



My husband had a union meeting one night a while back - its pretty important stuff and I don't call during union meetings because its a distraction to the group (I do call him at work occasionally.) It ran pretty late - about 8 or 9. I knew he had a cell phone and would call me as soon as the meeting was over, so I didn't call. At about 9:15 he called me, full of sweetness in his voice. He later told me that every other guy's wife or girlfriend had called during their late night meeting - some guys, even twice. He was so happy that HE didn't have a clingy wife yelling at him because he was late - and he showed his appreciation later that night when he got home.



We are a pretty clingy couple - god knows even after 10 years together we act like a couple of kids. But we know where to draw our limits. Point of the story: Respecting a guys limits is probably the sexiest, and smartest, thing you can do. Work on it, and he'll respect you more, and you'll respect yourself more too.
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#22 Old 06-30-2006, 07:52 PM
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I appreciate your imput, everybody.

I know that being clingy and possessive is not a good trait. When I know I have to be away from my bf, I start to feel panicky...and that is just pathetic. Its not just normal clingyness, I really don't think...its more of an issue with my anxiety and related problems and my bf being a "safe" and trustworthy person when other people who maybe SHOULD be that way aren't. Its not healthy but I feel so overwhelmed by the seperation anxiety I feel that its difficult for me to break free of it. I may still go see a therapist.
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#23 Old 06-30-2006, 10:03 PM
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I once dated a guy for 2 years and he was VERY clingy. However the prolem was not him being clingy and wanting to be around me, the problem was that he constantly accused me of seeing other guys and he was always worried when I went out that I'd meet a new guy and fall in love with him. This drove me insane and made me feel horrible about myself, because why can't the guy I love trust me? And why isnt he secure in the relationship? I learned after a long time that it was not me and it was not our relationship, but him. He needed constant reassurance and felt jealous/panicy whenever I was not with him. Even if I spent the night alone, the next day he would ask what I did, how late I was up, who I talked to...and I might have not even talked to anyone, but he wouldnt believe me because he always needed someone there (I dont...I like my alone time)

Anyway I think you should take a week or two and just spend some time with you! Dig deep in that soul and find out why you always need him there. Love is a beautiful thing but can have very ugly sides. I don't think you need help because you want to be with him, I believe that is perfectly normal...but just out of pure respect you shouldnt be calling him 4-5 times while he is with his friends. I think that will push him away...it might take some time, but it gets old..FAST. Calling him once to say hey baby I miss you, is OK...even sweet.

You might want to try working something out with him, like once a week have a special day just for you two...this way you know youll be spending the day with him and you know youll have him all to yourself. Having that sort of thing might help you relax and say "ok, hes with his friends tonight- thats fine... tomorrow we get to spend the whole day together."

Always remember to put yourself first...sometimes its hard, I definitely know that, but its for the best.
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#24 Old 07-04-2006, 04:10 PM
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Hrm, I think you need to work on being away from him. Plan ahead what you are going to do, and don't call him. I think it gets better with time as long as you let yourself enjoy yourself without him once in a while.
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#25 Old 07-16-2006, 06:32 AM
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i had a girlfriend like that once. i had some interests that she wasn't into (like rock climbing); i'd go climbing with friends and come back to her crying and drunk (she didn't drink otherwise, at all!!!) and ask how i could leave her and all this ****. UGH!!! hopefully you're not that extreme, but severe clingyness is bad news!!
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#26 Old 07-16-2006, 07:15 AM
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I know that you and i have talked about some of these issues before. You do have some things you probably need to deal with. You're the child of an alcoholic and this is one of the issues that children of alcoholics have (relationship addiction). What do you consider a healthy relationship btw? The choices you are making in this relationship do not really seem healthy.



Again, there are people who can help with this. You can try an alanon/alateen support group. You can get some counseling on your own. Or....you can continue with the relationship as is. I'm glad you are recognizing this is an issue. It is healthy for him to have outside friendships...AND to want to spend time with you. Do you have outside friendships? Can you develop some of those?



Sorry to hear you are having these difficulties.



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#27 Old 07-16-2006, 07:20 AM
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Originally Posted by rainbowmoon View Post

I appreciate your imput, everybody.

I know that being clingy and possessive is not a good trait. When I know I have to be away from my bf, I start to feel panicky...and that is just pathetic. Its not just normal clingyness, I really don't think...its more of an issue with my anxiety and related problems and my bf being a "safe" and trustworthy person when other people who maybe SHOULD be that way aren't. Its not healthy but I feel so overwhelmed by the seperation anxiety I feel that its difficult for me to break free of it. I may still go see a therapist.



I think you have a very good handle on what's going on here...and I hope you will remember that it IS normal for people who've grown up in a family like you have...to have these feelings. It IS normal. I hope you will see someone about this because you are a really great girl and deserve to feel happy and loved.



Sorry for being sappy.



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#28 Old 07-18-2006, 05:17 PM
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Originally Posted by rainbowmoon View Post

I appreciate your imput, everybody.

I know that being clingy and possessive is not a good trait. When I know I have to be away from my bf, I start to feel panicky...and that is just pathetic. Its not just normal clingyness, I really don't think...its more of an issue with my anxiety and related problems and my bf being a "safe" and trustworthy person when other people who maybe SHOULD be that way aren't. Its not healthy but I feel so overwhelmed by the seperation anxiety I feel that its difficult for me to break free of it. I may still go see a therapist.





Okay, Take it from me. I'm exactly like you. Anxiety, clingy as heck with my boyfriend of 3 years. I'm with him almost everyday. I'm surprised he hasn't left me yet. He's starting to talk to another girl- online- jsut like he used to talk to me before we started to officially date- He's talking to her because I'm suffocating him- she's a breath of fresh air for my guy- hey, im definetly not cool with it- but it's my own fault.



I just thought I would tell you what could happen if he doesn't break up with you and you're too clingy still- he could find someone on the side.



It hurts, I know. It physically hurts to not be with him. No one else makes you feel as good as he does- everything upsets you when he's gone.



My boyfriend is fishing with his Dad in the ocean for a day and a half- left today at 4 and is coming back Wednesday at 1130 PM. Last year on that fishing trip i tried to call him a s h i t load- this year- today- I only text messeged him once- "Just gave abbott cigarettes- how was the drive?"

He hasn't replied, and I texted him like 1.5 hours ago. Last year, when he wouldn't reply or pick up- i would just keep calling. I just suck it up now- I understand that if I call too much, he'll flock to his new female friend and complain to her about me- *When a guy is complaining to another girl, that other girl will say any thing to look better than whomever he's complaining about*



None the less- the only thing that helps me is cigarettes and sucking it up.

I have literally no friends- I don't hang out with any of them, anyhow. So there aren't many options for me while he's gone.



I'm still not good at letting him go out with his friends... now it's even worse because i'm freaked out he's going out and meeting up with his new female friend... or calling her drunk... or text messeging her like he does sometimes... it hurts so much- but I need to learn how to trust him and myself- We aren't going to last if I keep this **** up- and I want to last.



You have to ask yourself- yell to yourself- force yourself to listen-



Do you want to be with him in the long run?



I want to marry my boyfriend. I'm going to start giving him more space- ya know- Not see him until the afternoons at first. And then not visiting him while he's working. And then seeing him in the morning, and not hte afternoon some days. With in a few weeks I need to get used to going a day or two with out seeing him.



It's a building process- and it scares me too, it hurts me too.



I don't think girls like us need therapy- clingy with boyfriend just means more communcation with self and boyfriend is necessary- less phone calls and visits... it's disciplin.
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#29 Old 07-20-2006, 12:24 AM
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I disagree with some of what Regina said. I wouldn't want to be contacted by my boyfriend every time I went out. I'd feel suffocated.
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#30 Old 07-20-2006, 08:41 AM
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I disagree with some of what Regina said. I wouldn't want to be contacted by my boyfriend every time I went out. I'd feel suffocated.



I only suggested that as a means of gradual diminishment of the contact. Two texts would be preferred instead of five phones calls, I am sure. Ideally it would get to the point of "Have fun, I look forward to hearing how it went later."
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