Ok just a hypothetical question here.



How long do you feel is an appropriate amount of time for inlaws to visit? Say you live in different states and typically see each other about twice a year (maybe three).



I'm not giving any details yet because I just want unbiased thoughts.

That depends: hwo well do you all get along? :lol



I would say, for me: a week, tops. Per year. Cumulative. *If* you get along.

About a week a visit works for me. It would depend on if you were all staying in the same house, or if they were staying in a hotel. Maybe longer if they were in a hotel. Eh, no. A week is a good amount of time.

I would say 2 days, tops. :P

I got tired of my inlaws after about 24 hours. But they often stayed for a week or more... and yes - I was ready to commit serious criminal acts by the time they left...



My mother-in-law openly hated me... so it was always such a joyous time we shared together....



OK, sorry, end of rant...

yeah it depends on how much you like/dislike them



if my wife's parents stayed with us, 1 day would be too long



if my mom and her husband came to stay with us they could probably stay forever because my wife and i love them so much, and the way they live our quality of life would vastly improve because of their presence.

I think a week to two weeks is acceptable regardless of whether or not you get along. If the spouse wants his/her parents to visit and wants to see them, then that should be the deciding factor and the other spouse should suck it up. IMHO, however.

An hour.





just kidding

My future in-laws are evil, rotten SOBs and the mere mention of them is more than I can deal with. No, really. But they are so evil that they don't even really love their son, so no sucking it up for me!



But if I liked them . . . depends why they're visiting. Just to say hi? New baby? Holiday?

I think it matters what the situation is. Will they add to the home workload or will they help? Are you and your SO both working? Is the one staying home with them the inlaw or their child? Do you enjoy each other's company? Even if you are not thrilled with them, do all of you have the good manners to get along for a few days? How far did they have to come, not how often can they come would be a determining factor.



I don't enjoy being Mrs. Hospitality, be it family or inlaws. My aunt says,"Company, like fish, begins to smell after about three days." I kind of agree with her.

5-10 minutes.

i usually manage about a week with any guest. any more is too long.



also, in cases where my parents need to stay near us, they always get a bed and breakfast--for their own comfort and privacy as well as ours. so, we're planning on using this policy when we mvoe across country. they'll get a hotel or b&b when they visit.

In-laws especially should just visit once a year for 1 week.  No matter who it is, when someone comes to stay with you, your utility bills increase as does your food bill not to mention the stress of having other people in your house when you have certain routines that get disrupted when visitors arrive.

I'm really close to my in-laws and actually enjoy when they visit (they say I'm the daughter they never had, lol). Usually they come and stay with us between 10-14 days in the summer, but they like to help around the house which is nice (they're actually staying a little longer for their visit in May to help us with some project around the house). I think a time-frame like that is pretty good, especially if you don't see each other very often and get along well.

 

My parents are from Brazil, so my dad gets a ton of vacation time every year, almost 2 months. Of that they tend to spend about half of that visiting with us which by then end of it wears me out. Long stays like that are pretty standard in Latin America (or at least where I grew up).   I love my parents and kid brother, but 3-4 weeks with house guests can be trying, especially since I work at home and feel like I need to entertain them AND get my work done, while also keeping the house clean, making meals, etc.

My mother in law visits us from overseas twice a year and while she was working she came 2-3 weeks at a time which was manageable. DH and I work and so she would be bored at home but we would let her know that before she visited that we would not be there everyday, all day.

 

However, since she retired she has started visiting 6 weeks (or sometimes more!) at a time and during her last visit it just got too much. 12 weeks a year is just too much to stay and live with someone. I told DH that next time she visits 6 weeks is just too long and I need a break because visiting us so much is causing me to feel a lot of animosity towards her.

 

I felt like I got along with her fine when she would visit for 2-3 weeks but now that she visits for 6 weeks at a time I'm feeling typical MIL feelings towards her. So, I would say 2-3 weeks maximum.

 

Woo, that's like living with you for three months / 1/4 of the year!

Nooo, 1 month a year max!

My grandpa has a saying that like fish, house guests start to stink after a couple of days

 

This is the rule I've always gone by.  You can take almost anyone for 3 days.  I always wished my mom would stay longer though.  If you are a guest, plan to stay only 3 days.  That way you don't overstay your welcome and they always want you back.

The more traveling it takes to get there and back, the less often they make the trip, and the more closely related they are to at least one of their hosts, the less the "three day" rule will reasonably apply. And of course, how well everyone gets along. At one extreme is someone who lives within a 2-hour drive. Maybe just a day trip, maybe an occasional overnight. At the other extreme: A friend of mine grew up in China, came to the US to study, and now lives here. Her mother visits her every year from China and stays as long as her visa allows. I forget exactly how long that is, but it sounded like a lot when she told me, a month or more. It gets better. Her mother sleeps in the same room and same bed as my friend while she's visiting, relegating my friend's husband to the guest room for weeks on end. She talks about it as something funny and hopeless, like "what are ya gonna do?" as does her (Western) husband.

Thank you for agreeing with my point of view! She has been visiting for 12 week (or more!) a year for several years now and each time it gets more stressful and less fun. She said this last time that she felt like a burden and I had to agree (not out loud but I was definitely thinking that in my head!). She doesn't drive or cook dinner and so those are two things that we always have to do and take her to stores, etc when she is here. This last visit I was pregnant while she was here and got tired quickly so I told her that she had to get all her shopping done at the stores we were planning to visit and that we would not be going to a bunch of extra stores. If she wants so to do shopping she would have to take the senior bus that goes next to our house. She complained that she felt like a 'prisoner' because we would not cart her around to extra stores or do tons of shopping which she loves. That irritated me quite a bit. She does help out with house work so that is nice.

 

We are having our first baby in a few weeks and I'm sure she will want to visit for a nice long time sometime in the summer but I already told DH that her extra long visits are taking its toll and she's going to have to cut them back.

I'm on the last day of my mother in law visiting from Spain which has lasted 9 weeks, and this was a short visit. I'm trying to explain to my husband that it is just too long, and that his brother who lives 2 miles from our house doesn't pull his share of hosting her. We have been together for 8 years and during these 8 years of living together we have hosted her 4 times, the last 3 times were for 3 month long visits. Which my brother in-law and sister in-law did not host her except a night or 2 here and there, and always say that there place is too small. They live in a 3 bedroom town home with 3 bathrooms, hardly too small. His mother has stayed with us for 3 months in a 2 bedroom 1 bath apartment and shared a bed with my daughter for 3 months! Hearing the excuse "too small" is unacceptable!!!!

I thought this visit was going to be shared equally, they hosted her for 10 days and the day before she was suppose to come back to our house we started getting frantic calls (several) from his brother asking what time he can drop her off, we already had plans that evening and didn't want her to be dropped off to a empty house. Well this caused a big mess and my husband and brother in law are not speaking and my poor mother in law feels UN-welcomed. There are so many stories I could go on and on, I feel terrible because I really do love my mother in law but these lengthy stays are just too much. I'm at my wits end and don't know how to handle what the best thing to do is, I know communication is what is needed but I'm dealing with people that don't know how to effectively.

@wits end

What a horrible situation for you 9 weeks is a heck of a long time to have anyone to stay, especially if they have to share a bed!

Your poor mother in law is caught in the middle of it all and must see for herself how reluctant her other son is to have her in his home. I can't imagine how awful that must be for her.

Why the lengthy stays instead of a couple of shorter visits? Is it down to financial reasons (cost of flight etc.?). If so, perhaps your brother in law would stump up the cost of her extra flight if he isn't prepared to have his mother to stay with him.

I agree I feel terrible for her, but at the same time it's really hard on me and my family. We love her dearly and just wish that her other son would share equally in the hosting. Last night was awful, I was on my way home from work and my husband asked if I could pick her up at his brothers house, he was stuck in traffic(she went over to say goodbye)I said sure not a problem. When I get there 15 minutes later I find her standing in the freezing cold at night, she had been standing out there for 30 minutes, I asked her why she didn't go inside and wait and she said they were busy and didn't want to be a bother. I was fuming!!!!! Who does that to there mother???? Any ways we had a lovely conversation on the way home and went to dinner, I guess I just have to accept that she visits with us the whole time, for I don't want her to be treated the way they treat her.

That is a really long visit, especially if she's sharing a bed! You're not being unreasonable at all.

Wits End, if these long visits are going to be a regular thing, can you put bunk beds or a futon or a second bed in your daughter's room? Some bunk beds have a double below and a twin bed on top. Or expand the footprint of the house or refinish the basement with a bed and bath? Sometimes when a person marries and settles outside the home country, the only way to get the parents to support the marriage is to promise they can visit as often and as long as they want. And sometimes a parent will take them up on the promise like you wouldn't believe. What to do then? Even if you bought a bigger house, the visits would still feel far too long by American standards, because culturally we kick our kids out of the nest and hope they won't move back. We stress individual autonomy, in contrast with other cultures that stress close-knit family ties and obedience to elders.

You and your SIL are the ones really feeling it here, because you're under pressure to accommodate these visits but you weren't raised in a culture that prepared you to expect it. It's culture shock, even though it's taking place within your own home culture. In some bi-national families, there is a constant stream of cousins and other relatives besides parents visiting. Knowing someone in America is like knowing somebody with a beach house. You get very popular, even if you don't get along so well!

How do i tell my wife that i don't want her sister and husband staying with us for more than a few days? They were recently here and it has caused some strain on our relationship. Thanks

Ha Ha Ha,,hmm maybe year LOL

5 days is the maxiumum, it´s easy to romantize the length of the visit when you are sitting at home and the wife suggests the idea but remember anything more than 5 days is hell on earth.