Friends who cancel plans - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 07-06-2003, 02:59 PM
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Two of my closest friends, who will be hereafter known as Jess and Nate, have been pulling a few stunts I just don't appreciate. Jess and Nate have been dating for 9 months now, and a month ago they broke up for two weeks and then got back together. I'm tight with both of them. Since they got back together, they have had very little time for me.

We were supposed to get together after I got off of work on July 4th. When I called them from work to get directions to where they were going to go watch fireworks (they hadn't known where earlier), they said they were going to swim instead, and Nate only wanted to swim with Jess, so I shouldn't come. As I talked with Jess on the phone, she said that to make up for cancelling on me then, she and I could get together Sunday afternoon when Nate was at work.

I talked with Jess this morning before going to church, and guess what happened? She cancelled on me because she said she was tired and expected to play a game with her parents this afternoon and fight with Nate. I can understand being tired, but I'm upset that this is what happens when she "makes up" for cancelling on me two days ago.

I don't want all of their time. I don't even want half of their free time. I just want a slice of it! Other issues surrounding this couple are even more complicated, but let's suffice it to say that I'm rather upset at Nate for the way he treats Jess and sometimes me. When he's in a good mood, he's great, but when he's not... it can get painful--sometimes physically. It also seems like Jess is giving up on some of her main passions in life so she can be with Nate.

This is so frustrating! I don't know whether to keep actively trying, or if I should take a few steps back and let them come to me when they decide to.

Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb? A: to change the bulb, 1000 to say it's already been done.
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#2 Old 07-06-2003, 03:18 PM
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Unfortunetely the best thing to do is just let them come to you, or just outright tell them that it annoyes you when they do it (basically "ending" the friendship if it upsets them).

Of course no one ever does the best thing.

I put of up with a friend (actually a step above that) making plans with me a week in advance, knowing we had plans the night before, then "forgetting" a few hours before we were to meet and making the exact same plans with someone else with me finding out only when I called right before leaving to meet her.

What I did for that situation is this:

made plans with her, but always have a second plan for the day, with the understanding with any people involved with the second plan that it depended on her (the person was in the same boat with her so to speak).

That way when (if) she broke them, I'd still have something to do; yet I didn't break plans with anyone either. While it still was annoying, I didn't count on plans with her so it was "less" of a disappointment. But I actively made plans with her, just expected her to break them.
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#3 Old 07-06-2003, 03:19 PM
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I would step back for a bit and give them their space. It may be difficult, but not as bad as being repeatedly disappointed.
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#4 Old 07-06-2003, 03:41 PM
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that sucks, man. i lose a lot of respect for people when they pull that BS. it's happened to me with a good friend in the past and she still is doing it, even though we had a lovely chat about it.

anyway, i just don't put up with it anymore. if it happens that they (or him or her) can get together go for it, but don't go out of your way to accomodate them or save time for them.

i'm always really careful about that. yeah, i spend most of my free time with my boyfriend, but i invite my friends along too sometimes, and i always plan stuff with them solo also. i know they dont always want to hang out with us as a couple..but since people have thrown that crap at me, i try really hard to be aware that i don't do that.

anyway, sorry..i know how it feels,it's like a slap in the face. you dont deserve that from them.
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#5 Old 07-07-2003, 03:48 AM
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Thanks, guys. I'm thinking that I'm either going to ignore them until they come to me or write Jess and Nate a quick email stating that I'm not going to bother them, and they can call me if they want to. Hoooo boy... work on Tuesday is going to be interesting. Jess and I both work at this small grocery store. She works in the deli, and I'm in produce right now. I don't normally see her much when we're both working, but I do always smile and wave at her when I pass the deli. When we both close the store, as we're scheduled to do this Tuesday, we normally walk out together and talk for a few minutes at our cars.

GAAA! I just remembered that I bought something for Jess at the music festival a few weeks ago, and I haven't given it to her yet. Oh well... it can wait until she comes around.

Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb? A: to change the bulb, 1000 to say it's already been done.
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#6 Old 07-07-2003, 02:37 PM
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Originally posted by carnelian

I would step back for a bit and give them their space. It may be difficult, but not as bad as being repeatedly disappointed.

DITTO! Don't continue to set yourself up for the disappointment.

Regardless of the problems they have with each other; they are a couple and you're the 3rd party. I know it hurts cause it happens to me all the time when friends meet someone or get married.
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#7 Old 07-08-2003, 01:24 PM
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My advice is always to 'let go.' I came by this wisdom the hard way...and always feel it works. Step back for a while and do your own thing...and if it's meant to work out with them, it will.

Also though, definitely let jess know how you feel about her breaking your plans. You can do this in a kind way...but it is important (to you) to let people know how to treat you. So I'd let her know this just isn't acceptable to you to be ditched at the last minute. And that from now on, she needs to make better arrangements in the first place, or give you ample time in canceling. It was insensitive of them...and my only thing before letting this go, would be to let her know how YOU want to be treated in the future.


"We teach people how to treat us."--Was this Dr. Phil or Maya Angelou...some Oprah type guest
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#8 Old 07-10-2003, 07:06 PM
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Come to CA...we promise not to flake on hanging out w/you!

Liz & Jed
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