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#1 Old 12-30-2005, 11:46 PM
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It seems to me that in general men tend to be much more wary of marriage and down right reluctant in many cases than women. Why do you think that is? I see it a lot in the 24-28 year old range. I know that I am starting to feel ready but my bf who I have been with for many many years says straight out he is nowhere near being ready for marriage. We are both 25. I wonder though if I feel like I want to get married because I do or because society tells me that at 25 that is what I should be thinking about. Does it have to do with the fact that when I tell people I have been with my boyfriend since high school they all say " So when are you getting married?" Or worse they say "Wow that's a long time to be together........(without a ring)." They don't say that last part but I know it is what they are thinking. I wish I knew where my need for a ring was really comming from. Is it what I really want or is it what I have been told I want?? Are men just more immune to that pressure? Or is there really some difference that makes women more open to marriage in general?
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#2 Old 12-31-2005, 12:26 AM
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It seems to me that in general men tend to be much more wary of marriage and down right reluctant in many cases than women. Why do you think that is? I see it a lot in the 24-28 year old range. I know that I am starting to feel ready but my bf who I have been with for many many years says straight out he is nowhere near being ready for marriage. We are both 25. I wonder though if I feel like I want to get married because I do or because society tells me that at 25 that is what I should be thinking about. Does it have to do with the fact that when I tell people I have been with my boyfriend since high school they all say " So when are you getting married?" Or worse they say "Wow that's a long time to be together........(without a ring)." They don't say that last part but I know it is what they are thinking. I wish I knew where my need for a ring was really comming from. Is it what I really want or is it what I have been told I want?? Are men just more immune to that pressure? Or is there really some difference that makes women more open to marriage in general?

Not trying to sound sexiest but with woman it may have to do with an unconcussious (sp) desire to reproduce. Most men I know don't (generally speaking) start even contemplating marriae until their 30's some even later.
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#3 Old 12-31-2005, 12:37 AM
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It seems to me that in general men tend to be much more wary of marriage and down right reluctant in many cases than women. Why do you think that is? I see it a lot in the 24-28 year old range. I know that I am starting to feel ready but my bf who I have been with for many many years says straight out he is nowhere near being ready for marriage. We are both 25. I wonder though if I feel like I want to get married because I do or because society tells me that at 25 that is what I should be thinking about. Does it have to do with the fact that when I tell people I have been with my boyfriend since high school they all say " So when are you getting married?" Or worse they say "Wow that's a long time to be together........(without a ring)." They don't say that last part but I know it is what they are thinking. I wish I knew where my need for a ring was really comming from. Is it what I really want or is it what I have been told I want?? Are men just more immune to that pressure? Or is there really some difference that makes women more open to marriage in general?



You said years of being together. I just think he is comfy the way it is now with you. Women always want that security of a ring or the vowels. I think it makes woman feel "complete." The only men I know that are wary of marriage is the ones that have been married before. Do you guys live together?
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#4 Old 12-31-2005, 01:58 AM
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Granted, I'm out of the 24-28 age range, but I can tell you that I definitely want to be married someday. Not sure when it will happen, and God or somebody only knows who I will be wed to, but I don't plan on being single forever. I've been close to taking that step a couple of times, but something has always happened which made me reconsider being attached to the person whom I was considering proposing to. Almost like life was looking out for me, keeping me from taking that step prematurely and being sorry later.



I'm lonely, but I'd rather be that than be married and unhappy. I think it all boils down to being sure, at least for me. I need to know that the person is "the person" before I take that step. Having seen both of my parents go through more than one marriage, it makes me wary because I only want to do it once. Once, and forever.



And, for the record, it has doodley-squat to do with reproducing.
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#5 Old 12-31-2005, 01:59 AM
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My fiance and I were/are both equally excited and equally nervous about getting married. I think it's the same with most of my friends--I don't really see a difference in the way they approach the idea of marriage. But maybe this will change as we get older (most of my friends are 22-26 or so.)
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#6 Old 12-31-2005, 02:25 AM
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And, for the record, it has doodley-squat to do with reproducing.



Yeah but your not a female with a biological clock ticking away on a subconcusious (sp) level.
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#7 Old 12-31-2005, 02:48 AM
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>>Yeah but your not a female with a biological clock ticking away on a subconcusious (sp) level.>>



In terms of observable phenomena, we can't really tease this apart from the effects of culture.

...

I'm not sure I believe in marriage as an institution. Commited life-partner some day maybe...



ebola
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#8 Old 12-31-2005, 04:15 AM
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Do you guys live together?



We do not live together. I live in a house with a roomate and he lives in a cave
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#9 Old 12-31-2005, 04:51 AM
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i'm only twenty, but i've never wanted to get married. even as a kid, i didn't see much sense in it.
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#10 Old 12-31-2005, 08:56 AM
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Marriage is one of those "someday" things for me. Nope, it has little to do with kids, since I'm planning on adopting, anyway. If I never get married, I know I'll have a great life. If I do, I'm sure it'll be great in a different way.



I don't believe there's "only one person" for me, as there may be any number who could share a happy life with me. That's where discernment and wise council are important. Besides... I wouldn't want to think that if I decide not to marry that person who was earmarked for me, then that person is doomed and can never find another enjoyable, healthy relationship. Or that once I'm in a committed relationship with a person who's awesome for me and vice versa, I could leave just because I think someone else is "the one". Some decisions I think are meant to be binding (except in extreme circumstances).



In short, "a match made in Heaven" is hogwash, but "a match kept together by Heaven" isn't too far off.

Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1001...one to change the bulb, 1000 to say it's already been done.
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#11 Old 12-31-2005, 09:17 AM
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In short, "a match made in Heaven" is hogwash, but "a match kept together by Heaven" isn't too far off.

Great wisdom, Skylark.
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#12 Old 12-31-2005, 09:34 AM
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I think this is a sexist thread. For a while I was doing the online dating thing...and found in general the men I was interracting with online were MUCH more interested in marriage than I was. I'm VERY wary of marriage having been married and divorce, and not that interested in entangling myself in this way again. Or...I always tell my daughter, it would need to be a VERY special someone for me to want to change both our lives for at this point. We have a good life, good friends...I work at a nice community montessori school and have a great church community. I'm just not all that into the idea of marriage anymore i have to say.



I was run away by quite a few men who seemed to simply want to 'get hitched.'...so I don't like these kinds of generalizations.



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#13 Old 12-31-2005, 09:35 AM
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You said years of being together. I just think he is comfy the way it is now with you. Women always want that security of a ring or the vowels. I think it makes woman feel "complete." The only men I know that are wary of marriage is the ones that have been married before. Do you guys live together?

The vowels?



Sorry to disagree with you, but I don't want the security of a ring or vows. Complete and utter waste of time. I'm 27 and have been in a common law marriage for 8 years. I have absolutely no desire to get married. I think it's sexist to assume women need that to feel "complete".



My man wants to get married. He's a romantic that way, I guess. But I don't want to. To me, it's just a piece of paper and a party. It doesn't have anything to do with how committed you are to one another.
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#14 Old 12-31-2005, 09:45 AM
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sexist

do you mean me in general or everyone who has posted so far?
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#15 Old 12-31-2005, 09:47 AM
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After re-reading your post...I wanted to add it may be a simple matter of biology here...not to mention societal pressures that gives women more incentive to marry. I remember when I first married I received what I considered to be much more respect at my job. Suddenly I was considered for a raise and a promotion to public relations manager at the bookstore where I worked...even though my work habits did not change (I have always been a reliable worker with good work ethics). Women that were married whome I worked with somehow felt that I had somehow 'arrived' with the arrival of my wedding ring. Also...stereotypes. Women who's children have more than one father are generally seen in a not so good light, where as women who's children come from one father are seen in a good light. When someone I don't know well finds out I was indeed married when I produced my one offspring seem to breathe a sigh of relief. My daughter is biracial, so the idea that I was not married...and he was black would be two strikes instead of one (remember I live in the south-east). Men are generally not seen in a poorer light for having children from multiple wives...well to some extent they are, but not to the extent that women are. Men are not in general given more respect at work for being married and having families. Indeed the opposite may in fact be true, since men without families tend to be more reliable and able to work longer hours.



There is also the financial aspect. If a woman wishes to stay home to raise her children she will indeed need a husband's support. But for a man...to consider raising a family he has to be willing to in many cases BE the financial support....that's in fact a very difficult burden to shoulder.



I think the big societal machine has a lot to do with our current view of what seems to me to be a very out of date...or in need of updating...institution.



On a personal note, I didn't like being a wife because once I went back to work after having our daughter--she was three when I went back to work, I still did the majority of household chores, plus working full time. And I was still the main care giver for our daughter. (I spent 90% of time with her, to my X's ten percent). For me it was a very unequal arrangement for a woman.

I read somewhere that men actually do less housework after marrying than when living with a partner. It's more equal when two are living together...but when women and men marry, women shoulder something like 80-90% of the household work burden.



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#16 Old 12-31-2005, 09:49 AM
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No...the idea that men are more wary of marriage....I guess I feel that is a stereotype. It may be a truthful stereotype....but still...rubs me the wrong way.



I still like you Miss Meg. I just have trouble with that statement.
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#17 Old 12-31-2005, 09:57 AM
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I'm not looking to start an argument, I just don't feel I was being sexist. I was making a statement about the men I personally have come into contact with in my life, and the majority that I have had conversations with have been wary of marriage and the majority of the women I talk to have been all for it. Without listing the name of every one of these men it's hard to discuss my observation without making some kind of a blanket statment. Besides I don't want to get any of them in trouble

I know that it isn't true for all men. Nothing is true for all men and nothing is true for all women I was just curious as to whether or not anyone else had observed something similar in the group of people they interact with in their life. Or if they see something totally different.

Sometimes I feel that any thread that discusses the differences between men and women automatically gets labeled sexist.
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#18 Old 12-31-2005, 10:04 AM
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Well I did respond to the post on it's merits after labeling it as sexist . I'm not looking for an arguement either. Really though I think you have to decide what is right for you. I think many people are happy with being married. But I think I personally am one of those people who doesn't really necessarily want to be married. Twenty five to thirty is now the 'marrying age'...so I think you feeling pressure may be due to that. I know that at that age, I felt pressure to marry. I think you are asking good questions. Do you want to marry because it's the 'thing to do?' or do you want to marry because it's what you want to do.





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#19 Old 12-31-2005, 10:22 AM
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I think you are asking good questions. Do you want to marry because it's the 'thing to do?' or do you want to marry because it's what you want to do.





B



I think you hit the nail on the head there. That's basically what I'm asking myself. Honestly I'm leaning toward it being more like I feel that it's what I'm supposed to do. I wonder statistically how many people get married for that reason alone.
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#20 Old 12-31-2005, 10:30 AM
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I think you hit the nail on the head there. That's basically what I'm asking myself. Honestly I'm leaning toward it being more like I feel that it's what I'm supposed to do. I wonder statistically how many people get married for that reason alone.



I think a lot of people do get married just because of that reason. I think that's a horrible reason to sign a contract and enter into a legally binding commitment.



As for women being more likely to want to get married, I can't say I've noticed the same trend as you. I'm with Bethanie on this one. Most of the guys I know, 24-30, are ready to race to the alter. And me and all of my girl friends are a little freaked out by the idea of matrimony.
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#21 Old 12-31-2005, 10:57 AM
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I'm extremely skeptical of people who are so anti-marriage that they say they are against ever getting married. If I meet a girl who says "I never..." I say "vaya con dios" and perhaps ask her if she has any cute friends who are not mentally and/or emotionally unstable. But that's just me.



I am very much looking forward to marriage. I would marry a certain someone tomorrow if I could. She won't even talk to me now. So that's not working out so well I guess. I think /normal/ guys tend to go through three stages:



1. No, I'm not getting married, and I don't even want to /think/ about it right now.

2. I'm not /trying/ to get married, but the idea is appealing to me.

3. Married, or trying.
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#22 Old 12-31-2005, 10:59 AM
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As for women being more likely to want to get married, I can't say I've noticed the same trend as you. I'm with Bethanie on this one. Most of the guys I know, 24-30, are ready to race to the alter. And me and all of my girl friends are a little freaked out by the idea of matrimony.

I smell a problem of self-reporting here. Most single guys I know /tell women/ they are willing/racing to get married, but that cab light ain't really on, sister.
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#23 Old 12-31-2005, 11:18 AM
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I smell a problem of self-reporting here. Most single guys I know /tell women/ they are willing/racing to get married, but that cab light ain't really on, sister.



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#24 Old 12-31-2005, 11:21 AM
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I'm a teacher so I talk to a lot of other teachers and especially the females are all very pro marriage. We have a very young faculty and there are weddings and engagements going on like crazy. However, most of the males I talk to are friends of my boyfriends and a lot of them feel the way he does, so I suppose that is where my persepctive is comming from.

Now that I am thinking about this though most of the young male teachers are either engaged or married. Most of Ian's friends aren't settled in careers or anything yet. That might play into it as well.
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#25 Old 12-31-2005, 11:33 AM
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I'm extremely skeptical of people who are so anti-marriage that they say they are against ever getting married. If I meet a girl who says "I never..." I say "vaya con dios" and perhaps ask her if she has any cute friends who are not mentally and/or emotionally unstable. But that's just me.



But trent, are you saying that not wanting to get married=emotional instability? This is faulty isn't it? It seems to me that there is infinite variety in nature...and in human nature...that we are all different. Why would it follow that we should all expect the same life outcome...meaning marriage and family?



And as for revelsunrises comments...I've found from experience that men reach a certain age where if they haven't married yet there's a panic that sort of takes place. This was my experience with an old army acquaintance several years ago...we were old friend and had gotten together for a sort of reunion. He was 36 and never married...and READY...or long since ready to get married (come to think of it though he was just as ready to get married when I met him...needy perhaps). I found the same thing all over the place. About 35, men become fearful if they have not yet married...that they were supposed to and missed the boat. For women this age comes earlier...25-27 panic sets in. For me, having been married...I just can't see a real reason to rush into anything like that. Perhaps if a really excellent person happened by, but even then. Is marriage NECESSARY? It just doesn't seem very relavent to my life at this point.



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#26 Old 12-31-2005, 11:44 AM
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But trent, are you saying that not wanting to get married=emotional instability? This is faulty isn't it? It seems to me that there is infinite variety in nature...and in human nature...that we are all different. Why would it follow that we should all expect the same life outcome...meaning marriage and family?

Agreed, and I thank you for your reasonable response to my hyperbole! I /am/ skeptical of a person who says /never/ to marriage, although I understand that it is not necessarily a symptom of emotional instability. I walk, still, because I /do/ want to get married, and I want to marry someone who (at the very least) wants also to get married!
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#27 Old 12-31-2005, 11:48 AM
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Strange.. i've been thinking the complete opposite lately. Since i split with my fiance just over a year ago, i've met a few guys, and spoke to guys who've been really eager to find love and settle down, more than i am that's for sure.
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#28 Old 12-31-2005, 12:15 PM
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Maybe some men are against "marriage" simply because they reject all of the hoopla around it, or don't feel a need to shell out a few hundred bucks for paperwork that means very little.



Mr. Meatless and I have not had a wedding, nor do we plan to give the government money for a piece of paper anytime soon, but I'd say after seven years we have a great marriage. We consider our marriage to be a personal committment to each other that has nothing to do with a wedding or a piece of paper. It is so much deeper than that. Just because we don't wish to partake in wedding rituals doesn't make us any less committed to each other and our future together.
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#29 Old 12-31-2005, 12:18 PM
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that is very interesting Meatless. Do you ever worry about any legality issues, such as having a say if he is injured or so forth?
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#30 Old 12-31-2005, 12:53 PM
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Sometimes, but we should be able to take care of a lot of stuff with a legal will (which we haven't as of yet). The government does recognize us as common law, and everything we have is in both our names.



Part of why we aschew even getting the marriage paperwork done is that OTHER people place so much value on it... and we fear they will project their expectations and priorities onto us if we do so. We're quite happy as we are, so we'll just continue along this way unless for some reason we feel it is necessary or important to sign paperwork.



I used to think I wanted a ring, a wedding, all that stuff. But then I thought long and hard about it and realized it was because it was what I was SUPPOSED to want, not what I actually wanted. That's not to say that's how it is for everyone, but it is for me.
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