University/college loneliness - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 10-12-2005, 08:39 AM
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So now I have been at university/college for four weeks. I have finally started to make some friends but I am really scared because I haven't had any good friends since I was 12 because everyone's just let me down. I'm afraid it might happen again. I am really trying to stay positive but it's so hard because loads of people who I've met are already talking about how many friends they have and how much fun they are having and I just feel really sorry for myself basically because I hardly know anybody yet. I am also missing my family so much even though my parents really piss me off (another story). I have been phoning home every couple of days. I really don't know where 'home' is anymore- I don't feel comfortable where I am now but I don't want to live with my parents. I took the advice people gave me last time and joined the politics society which has some potential friends in it. I just feel so lonely right now and I know there are lots of people going through this/ have been through this before and I really need some support- it is hard trying to be grown up. XVicky
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#2 Old 10-12-2005, 08:55 AM
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I really feel bad for you. I can sympathise. When I went to university, making 'good' friends was hard, just make sure you talk with and get to know people.

When I went to university, I made myself think of it as 'home', or I thought I wouldn't settle in. I rang my mum everyday, and missed her so much. It is daunting, it's starting a new life.

I'm sure you're not the only person in your halls/campus that feels this way. The only advice I can give is talk to people. If you're not much of a conversationalist, a good tip is to ask people about themselves, everyone's favourite subject is themselves. Then, from here, find things that you can relate to.

Hope this helps

Lucy x
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#3 Old 10-12-2005, 09:01 AM
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I know what you mean, that's what I felt like for the first half of my first year of University. And parts afterwards, but definitely the first part, before I met my group of friends.



Do you live in the dorm, and go to a cafeteria? There are many frosh like you, I'm sure, and sometimes it helps to just start talking to someone. Look for a person who looks fairly open and not currently busy, and start a conversation. Even just say "Hi" and see how they respond.



Also, try getting involved in the activities. There are tons at Uni and college, and that's where you can meet people with common interests.
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#4 Old 10-12-2005, 09:58 AM
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I definitely know where you are coming from. This is my second year at college, and I am still sort of a loner-outsider. Its hard to make friends all by yourself...its easier when you have friends already at your university to help you go out and meet people.

My advice is to try and get involved on campus, like other people suggested, and to keep busy. If you are an introverted person, it can be hard to try and reach out to make friends, but even little steps in that direction will make you feel better. I don't have too many actual friends at university, but I go out of my way to talk to people and be friendly, and that social contact helps. Plus, chances are if you talk to someone all semester long, it will be easy to ask them if they want to go out and so something.
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#5 Old 10-12-2005, 11:09 AM
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I had one friend my entire freshman year of college, and she was so quiet she was practically mute, so I know where you're coming from. But it does get better! As others have said, what helped me was to get involved with a few activities. Then you're more likely to meet people with common interests. You also have to start taking chances with people. Don't let past emotional wounds keep you from talking to people or opening up to them. I know it's easier said than done, but think of talking to new people as jumping off the high dive. There's water down there--you're not going to die. It's just fear that's holding you back, and the more you dive, the easier it gets until it doesn't seem scary at all.
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#6 Old 10-13-2005, 12:39 AM
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I'm in my 3rd year and I've made 1 good friend (who also happens to be the love of my life). In a way I'm lucky but sometimes I wish I could be more social. I know people who have tons of friends they meet at college, and people who pretend to be friends but really are just lonely and bash each other behind their backs. Sorry I really can't help, just wanna give you an "I feel you".
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#7 Old 11-01-2005, 07:45 AM
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hey op



i'm sorry you are feeling lonely.



i was practically friendless all through high school (though now i realize that i missed many oppurtunities to develop good friendships) and now in my third year of college i've developed a few friendships but i still am lonely.



just realize there are oppurtunities all around you.



and you say that you've met people with lots of friends, well that's the best way to make friends! most people i've talked to about this issue say they met most of their friends through just one or two people they initially met as a stranger...so you are on the right track!



also, go to some parties, join some clubs, sit in coffeshops, talk to people in class. clubs are probably the best way to make new friends, because most people who join clubs join because they want to meet people with a common interest.



anyway, hope that helps.
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#8 Old 11-01-2005, 01:26 PM
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I don't have friends at all... just get used to it
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#9 Old 11-01-2005, 01:51 PM
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i'm still working on making friends, and i'm a junior... it's difficult, sometimes i think that it's easier if you don't try too hard, and just enjoy being in class, going to the dining hall.. sit with random people in the dining hall - see someoen else eating alone? join them! talk with the people in your classes, become involved with clubs... i find that i'm less lonely when i'm keeping busy with my clubs and organizations (i'm in three clubs and have otherthings keeping my bum busy)



i sympathize with you entirelyand i'm not ttrying to say that you're not trying at all, because you ARE... /hug.. good luck hun..
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#10 Old 11-01-2005, 02:54 PM
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It's college! Have as much indiscriminant sex and do as many illegal drugs as you can. The friends will follow.



sorry, I felt like a bit of comic relief was in order...
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#11 Old 11-01-2005, 03:04 PM
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Having a lot of friends at school can be fun, but it often turns out they're really casual friends who don't mean much to you. I had a lot of "friends" in school, I even dated one of them for three years and believed I was 'in love' with him, but when graduation time came, it was shocking how little we meant to each other and hwo willing they were to turn on me. We all went our separate ways and never looked back.



I've always been fairly introverted and had only a very few close friends, and I think a few close friends is preferable. Maybe I'm biased...



But school ought to be a good place to meet some people who have interests simiar to yours-- joining the politics club is a good idea if that's what you're into. Perhaps there's also a vegetarian student group-- many universities have one.



My 10th reunion is coming up in a little over a week, and I'm pondering whether to even go. The dinner is BBQ!
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#12 Old 11-01-2005, 03:45 PM
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I just moved to a new school to start my graduate studies and I am in the same situaiton. Right now I think I am doing ok and am not getting down but it is really hard making friends.



My advice is to try to hang out with the people in your dorm or you classes. Join any campus activity that interests you. Are you into environmentalism or social justice or GLBT equality? those are some standard friendly groups that are on most campuses. For some people this kind of stuff takes time so that is what you have to give it. Be confrontational with people and eventually friends will happen.
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#13 Old 11-01-2005, 03:48 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bigdufstuff View Post

Be confrontational with people and eventually friends will happen.



that phrasing sounds a little weird, but I think it's true taken the right way. My first year on campus, I developed the habit of simply walking up to people at my dorm point-blank with a big smile, holding out my hand, and saying "Hi, I'm Amber, who are you?" It was really hard for an introvert, but people usually thought my approach was quite entertaining, and it broke the ice.
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#14 Old 11-01-2005, 03:50 PM
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yeah I guess what I mean is don't shy away from people the whole time. Make eye contact and talk to people so they notice you.
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#15 Old 11-01-2005, 09:46 PM
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try keeping your dorm room door open when you're in it.. have music playing or a dvd/tv show or something.. it works!
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#16 Old 11-02-2005, 02:10 AM
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The first couple weeks I was in college were really rough. The first couple of months got much better. The first year went great. I loved the second year.



It seemed to me also that everyone had made friends really fast except for me. In retrospect, I don't think that was necessarily true. The good friendships were forged over the months and years ahead. Most of the friendships made the first couple of weeks didn't last very long.



Whenever a person moves, loneliness is just a time game that must be played. It always goes away with just a little effort and some time.
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#17 Old 11-02-2005, 05:43 AM
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I'm at university too, and all I can say is "springboard socialisation"



i.e. find someone on your floor who is a bit social. Try and make friends with them, even if you think they're a tosser. You'll find yourself finding other friends through them. Hell, I've made a few friends through a guy on my floor who is a bit of a "player", and I've just met the people he's met.



Also, remember that expectations will be high, and you need to lower them. I didn't make friends at first, and I'm only just starting to meet the people who I can actually see myself making friends with.



Don't just join things like the politics society. Be spontaneous. I took a chance with the archery society, and it's quite cool.



It's bloody hard to find proper friends, but it's not impossible. You do miss hom at first. I missed home briefly, and after 2 weeks, I went back for the weekend, to see how much of a mess home was without me. My dad hadn't done the shopping in two weeks, and there was hardly any food in the house, and it felt kinda strange, since home to me is a campus, and my local pub is no longer a pub where old people sing crap karaoke, but one infested with students.



In between it all, you've got to try and let your family go. I know my dad hasn't let me go - I was chatting to him online, and he was very interested to keep saying to me that I need to make sure I actually work. (I've already figured it out for myself - I've seen some of the challenges that my course presents already, and I'm getting ready to take a chainsaw to the proverbial ice block.) And he was quite interested in my social life. But that's only really starting to take off.



The people on your floor or your corridoor are the first people to talk to. There's 6 of us on my floor, all sharing a kitchen, and I find that I can chat to them about stuff, and maybe go out with them, or failing that, I have a bottle of the most hardcore (cheapest, crappest, dodgiest) whiskey that I could find in sainsburys, if I ever feel like having a night alone.



In short, finding people you get on with is a bit hard. Hell, I have a floor full of nice guys. Absoltely cool people, but not my sort of friends. But if you don't get on with the people on our floor, there are alternatives. One of the friends I've made in the past few days is someone who doesn't like the people she lives with.
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#18 Old 11-03-2005, 02:21 PM
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I've just started uni, and am an introvert, so it has been hard, but I just tried smiling at a couple of people in my class, and it seemed to work, though some probably thought I was weird and went away, I have met a couple of people.

Just try to socialise I guess (though I'm being hypcritical as I don't socialise much).

Also joining clubs is a good way to meet people who like the same things as you, so at least you'll have something to talk about!
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