Mr Right..... who is he??? - VeggieBoards
Forum Jump: 
Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools
#1 Old 09-28-2005, 10:39 AM
Veggie Regular
 
*Star*Lass*'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 2,360
I'm so confused



I'll try to cut a long story short:



I split up with my fiance of 4 years in December, and got a new boyfriend in April, who i met online (he lives in Germany). I was by no means over my fiance when i started to go out with my new boyfriend, but i was very lonely and vulnerable, and therefore thought i had really strong feelings for him at first. This was good for him, as (now i've realised) he seems to be a very needy, insecure person. So we were saying "i love you" from day one. Because of the long distance, i've only spent about 6 weeks with him since April, and have just got back from a 3 week visit. Before i went i felt like i was having doubts about loving him, and was finding it increasingly difficult to say it on msn, especially since he got really annoyed, if one day i didn't say it. So i kinda felt forced into saying it. When i got to Germany i really couldn't get the words out, i felt like i'd be lying if i said it, so i told him i really didn't know if i loved him (cos i loved my fiance, and i know what love feels like). He said he didn't think we should have a relationship if i didn't (not sure if i agree with that one, love grows in my opinion). But for some reason, i'm back home, we're still together, and he's agreed that i need some time.



I really don't know what's going on in my head though. I feel like i have no feelings. I didn't even cry when i came home, even though he was in tears when he left me at the airport. I'm usually a very sensitive person. I have no idea if i will grow to love him, or if i should stay with him to find out. I'm also worried that if i end things with him, it'll be like this with everyone. I duno if i'm expecting too much from the feeling of being in love, and knowing i've found Mr Right. But this doesn't feel like it to me. The feelings aren't strong enough. Even though i'm with him, i still feel like i'm looking for Mr Right... still checking other people out, and thinking about other people. But maybe it'll always be this way for me?



Am i expecting too much? Have i just been watching too many movies??? or do i need to see a psychiatrist?
*Star*Lass* is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#2 Old 09-28-2005, 10:45 AM
Veggie Regular
 
rainbowmoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Posts: 4,204
It doesn't sound to me like you are particularly in to your new guy, but you know yourself better than anyone else does. When I met my current bf, I didn't like him at all, but I gave him a chance and when I got to know him better, I fell in love very strongly, and I got all those butterfly googly tummy feelings and all that. It seems to me that after a trip to see this guy, who you're been talking to for some time, you should be feeling very googly and in love and excited. I do think that love can grow, of course, I'm just saying that if you are not interested in him or into him at this point, I'm not sure if you will be.
rainbowmoon is offline  
#3 Old 09-28-2005, 10:49 AM
Banned
 
astro's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 1,774
Do you think perhaps you're not able to feel much for you new BF because you're still a bit numb from the breakup with your fiance?
astro is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#4 Old 09-28-2005, 11:05 AM
Veggie Regular
 
*Star*Lass*'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 2,360
RM - That's what i'm thinking. He visited me in June, and it was different then, i was really upset when he left. But my feelings have changed now, and i'm beginning to wonder if i was on the rebound???



astro - It could be. I also find myself comparing my new bf with my ex, which is really easy to do, because communicating with my new bf, although it's not hard, it's not as easy cos he's German. I miss all the long in depth chats about life i had i with my ex. And i also remember how madly in love we were at first. We couldn't bear to leave each other at night. He would walk me round home and we'd end up standing in my street kissing, cuddling and looking at the stars until the birds were singing.
*Star*Lass* is offline  
#5 Old 09-28-2005, 11:28 AM
Banned
 
catgirl67's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 3,754
Give yourself time to heal from the first break-up before diving into something serious. If you're having doubts about your bf now, that my be a sign. You're young and have plenty of time to find Mr. Right.
catgirl67 is offline  
#6 Old 09-28-2005, 12:43 PM
Newbie
 
GhostUser's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 0
^i agree with catgirl. Give yourself some time to think this through before making any rational decisions.
GhostUser is offline  
#7 Old 09-28-2005, 01:22 PM
Banned
 
naturalsusta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 710
Star Lass,



You said that he got mad when you didn't say you love him? Hmmm, why did he get mad when you didn't say it?
naturalsusta is offline  
#8 Old 09-28-2005, 01:35 PM
Administrator
 
Michael's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2001
Posts: 19,873
Quote:
Originally Posted by naturalsusta View Post

Star Lass,



You said that he got mad when you didn't say you love him? Hmmm, why did he get mad when you didn't say it?



Maybe it hurt his feelings. Wouldn't it hurt yours if someone you loved, who had told you that they loved you in the past, would not tell it to you now?

VeggieBoards Alumni Facebook Group

If you're an old time VB'er stop by and say hi!


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Michael is offline  
#9 Old 09-28-2005, 01:41 PM
Veggie Regular
 
*Star*Lass*'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 2,360
catgirl, i'm 23. I know most people will think that's still young, but i can't help but worry that time is running out lol
*Star*Lass* is offline  
#10 Old 09-28-2005, 01:45 PM
Banned
 
catgirl67's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 3,754
Quote:
Originally Posted by *Star*Lass* View Post

catgirl, i'm 23. I know most people will think that's still young, but i can't help but worry that time is running out lol

I know what you mean. Just don't settle for second best. Mr. Right may be around the corner.
catgirl67 is offline  
#11 Old 09-28-2005, 01:53 PM
Veggie Regular
 
*Star*Lass*'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 2,360
Quote:
Originally Posted by naturalsusta View Post

Star Lass,



You said that he got mad when you didn't say you love him? Hmmm, why did he get mad when you didn't say it?



Because he expects me to say it everyday, when he says it to me. One day i told him i loved him around 5pm on msn, then later that night when we said goodbye, he was annoyed because i didn't say it. Then another night when i did say i loved him, he was annoyed because i didn't say i missed him. Another night he was annoyed because, even though i said i loved and missed him, i didn't send him one of those msn wink things (the big kiss on the screen). If i miss out anything, he gets annoyed.
*Star*Lass* is offline  
#12 Old 09-28-2005, 02:02 PM
Veggie Regular
 
rainbowmoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Posts: 4,204
I think this guy is probably pretty insecure. It just sounds that way, with the way he gets very worked up when you 'miss a beat' on the outpouring of love. I think that maybe this guy is a great guy, he could even be someone that you might want to be with, but I think you know that your vision of love is blurred by your last breakup. You may want to take some time to cool off and think things through, or just evaluate what you want in a person- what are the most important traits a potential mate must have. I am thinking that perhaps just by taking a few days off from talking to the German guy and focusing on yourself, your thoughts, and who you are, you might be able to gain some perspective.
rainbowmoon is offline  
#13 Old 09-28-2005, 02:09 PM
Veggie Regular
 
*Star*Lass*'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 2,360
Quote:
Originally Posted by rainbowmoon View Post

I am thinking that perhaps just by taking a few days off from talking to the German guy and focusing on yourself, your thoughts, and who you are, you might be able to gain some perspective.



You know what, that sounds like a really good idea, a one, however, i don't think he'll like. I have to have some contact with him everyday. Do you think in a few days i might miss him? If i don't miss him, does that mean i should end things? or is a few days really not long enough to be able to tell? The thing is, i feel lonely at the moment, and i can't help thinking it affects my feelings for people.
*Star*Lass* is offline  
#14 Old 09-28-2005, 02:27 PM
Veggie Regular
 
Tiggzie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Posts: 1,622
If you don't miss him in a few days (4 or so) I'd take that a sign to back off. HE should respect your feelings IMO. I think it's worse to pretend to love and would rather someone tell me they didn't love me than fake it. I had a guy in my life who seriously didn't care whether I faked it or not because he wanted to hear the words. He also said he loved me from the second day we knew each other. Personally I was a bit creeped out.



Your guy sounds really insecure and like someone who has had difficulty dating. I'd definitely slow it all down a bit, take a break, relax. You're young, there's no rush to find Mr. Right.
Tiggzie is offline  
#15 Old 09-28-2005, 02:32 PM
Veggie Regular
 
Skylark's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Posts: 15,684
Where is Mr. Right? I don't know, but there's a D. Right listed in the phonebook in Akron, Ohio. You have two guesses on which gender that person is.



In all seriousness, though, starlass, my ex got really annoyed with me once when I signed off AIM relatively quickly, and he hadn't managed to squeeze in a "Good night". The next day, he told me that people who value their relationships "don't do things like that." I was nonplussed. It wasn't an intentional slight on my part, and he took it as an affront.



But then, I was also annoyed that he didn't want to carry any inside jokes. I guess expectations go both ways.





To look at it from a Five Love Languages perspective, maybe he is the sort of person who needs to hear words of affirmation to feel loved. When the words of affirmation are missing or get overlooked, he feels it more than if you didn't hug him when you left, etc. (Now, I would feel hurt if a boyfriend didn't hug me when leaving the country, because that is something that makes me feel loved.)

Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1001...one to change the bulb, 1000 to say it's already been done.
Skylark is offline  
#16 Old 09-28-2005, 02:36 PM
Veggie Regular
 
*Star*Lass*'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 2,360
Quote:
Originally Posted by rainbowmoon View Post

I think that maybe this guy is a great guy



He is a really nice guy, very trustworthy and affectionate.
*Star*Lass* is offline  
#17 Old 09-28-2005, 02:59 PM
Veggie Regular
 
*Star*Lass*'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 2,360
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tiggzie View Post

I had a guy in my life who seriously didn't care whether I faked it or not because he wanted to hear the words. He also said he loved me from the second day we knew each other. Personally I was a bit creeped out.



Hmmm, yeh that is really strange. Luckily i know he wants me to mean it!



Quote:
Originally Posted by Tiggzie View Post


Your guy sounds really insecure and like someone who has had difficulty dating.



He was in a 5 year relationship, which ended about a year and a half ago. They were engaged, met on the internet. She cheated on him, and had trouble knowing her feelings for him (and he doesnt want to go through it again, which is why i'm worried), then they ended things. Before i left, he told me he loves me much more than he ever loved her, and that he'd die without me His feelings are completely different to mine, obviously.
*Star*Lass* is offline  
#18 Old 09-28-2005, 03:10 PM
Veggie Regular
 
Skylark's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Posts: 15,684
starlass, I can understand your boyfriend feeling desperate that you share the intensity of his feelings, but if he is becoming maniacal or possessively controlling about it, that is a problem. Have you asked him to back off a little while you figure out what you think? Mature people understand that sometimes, if they hold on too tightly, it will make the other person want to get away.

Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1001...one to change the bulb, 1000 to say it's already been done.
Skylark is offline  
#19 Old 09-28-2005, 04:05 PM
Veggie Regular
 
*Star*Lass*'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 2,360
Quote:
Originally Posted by skylark View Post

starlass, I can understand your boyfriend feeling desperate that you share the intensity of his feelings, but if he is becoming maniacal or possessively controlling about it, that is a problem. Have you asked him to back off a little while you figure out what you think? Mature people understand that sometimes, if they hold on too tightly, it will make the other person want to get away.



Yes i've told him. It sounds stupid, cos we're in different countries, so it shouldn't be a problem. But sometimes it is hard to get away from him. If i'm not online, he texts me. If i don't reply he'll contact my mam on AIM, and then my mam will ask me why i'm ignoring him and tell me to talk to him cos he sounds upset, when i just want to be alone and think. He's giving me time with the "i love you" thing, but i think maybe a few days not talking to him might be good to figure a few things out.
*Star*Lass* is offline  
#20 Old 09-28-2005, 04:11 PM
Veggie Regular
 
*Star*Lass*'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 2,360
Quote:
Originally Posted by skylark View Post


In all seriousness, though, starlass, my ex got really annoyed with me once when I signed off AIM relatively quickly, and he hadn't managed to squeeze in a "Good night". The next day, he told me that people who value their relationships "don't do things like that." I was nonplussed. It wasn't an intentional slight on my part, and he took it as an affront.



He's done that too, even though i said everything he "expected" me to say, and he said it too, i logged off quite abrubtly cos i had a bad headache, and ended up getting a text asking what was wrong. Also, if i'm still online a few minutes after we've said goodbye, he'll send me an IM asking why i'm still online, and what i'm doing, who else i'm talking to etc. Sometimes it's just my laptop, it's really slow at turning off. So i'll see his message, then it'll go off, then i'll get a text asking why i'm ignoring him... lol
*Star*Lass* is offline  
#21 Old 09-28-2005, 09:38 PM
Banned
 
astro's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 1,774
Quote:
Originally Posted by *Star*Lass* View Post

But sometimes it is hard to get away from him. If i'm not online, he texts me. If i don't reply he'll contact my mam on AIM, and then my mam will ask me why i'm ignoring him and tell me to talk to him cos he sounds upset, when i just want to be alone and think.



I'm all for giving people a break because baggage can make normally nice people do weird stuff on occassion, but I think contacting your mum when he can't get you is going a little too far. When you're in love with someone, it's normal to want to be in contact with them everyday, but if you feel pressured to be in contact with your BF, that's not healthy.



It's possible now, that the more you try and back off from him, the tighter he's going to hold on, so it's only fair to him that you level with him about your feelings as soon as you can.
astro is offline  
#22 Old 09-28-2005, 09:42 PM
Newbie
 
GhostUser's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 0
I've never found a decent girl for me when I was actively looking; the good ones seem to appear out of nowhere, when I'm not concerned with finding "the one".
GhostUser is offline  
#23 Old 09-28-2005, 09:47 PM
Veggie Regular
 
Skylark's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Posts: 15,684
Hear, hear, VegEnigma. It's generally more profitable and personally satisfying if you work on improving your character and situation, and the SO meets you at random.

Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1001...one to change the bulb, 1000 to say it's already been done.
Skylark is offline  
#24 Old 10-01-2005, 06:31 AM
Veggie Regular
 
Ilikequorn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 360
You will probably find Mr Right and don't worry- there is no such thing as 'running out of time'. Also it is most important to be happy with yourself and be on your own than feel unhappy being with someone.

A similar thing has happened to me before- (not quite but people have had feelings for me before when I didn't feel the same about them).

You will probably meet someone when you are not looking- give yourself more time to get over your ex and you will know when you are really ready to see other people again. Don't go out with this guy if you have no feelings for him.



Oh... I just remembered
Ilikequorn is offline  
#25 Old 10-01-2005, 08:28 AM
Veggie Regular
 
*Star*Lass*'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 2,360
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ilikequorn View Post

You will probably find Mr Right and don't worry- there is no such thing as 'running out of time'. Also it is most important to be happy with yourself and be on your own than feel unhappy being with someone.

A similar thing has happened to me before- (not quite but people have had feelings for me before when I didn't feel the same about them).

You will probably meet someone when you are not looking- give yourself more time to get over your ex and you will know when you are really ready to see other people again. Don't go out with this guy if you have no feelings for him.



Oh... I just remembered



Awww thanks Vicky..... and i hope life at uni is gettin better for u!
*Star*Lass* is offline  
#26 Old 10-01-2005, 08:37 AM
Veggie Regular
 
bethanie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Posts: 4,914
Oh...please try not to feel that time is running out. I'm 36 and while I felt that when I was younger (your age), I don't feel it now. I think there is still such a stigma for women. If you don't get hitched by a certain age, your doomed to spinsterhood.



eeek.



B
bethanie is offline  
#27 Old 10-01-2005, 08:41 AM
Veggie Regular
 
Tofu-N-Sprouts's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 11,049
Quote:
Originally Posted by rainbowmoon View Post

... I think you know that your vision of love is blurred by your last breakup. You may want to take some time to cool off and think things through, or just evaluate what you want in a person- what are the most important traits a potential mate must have. I am thinking that perhaps just by taking a few days off from talking to the German guy and focusing on yourself, your thoughts, and who you are, you might be able to gain some perspective.



Even if he "doesn't like it" this is SUCH a good idea!!



Take some time to yourself to collect your thoughts and figure out EXACTLY what you're feeling and what you need. It may be hard for him, but better in the long run, he will either have someone who genuinely wants to be with him, or if you break up, he will be miserable for a bit but able to move on and find his "Mrs. Right".



Don't let him guilt you into talking and IMing and such... (put him on "block" or "ignore" for a few days - he won't know, but he won't "see" you online either. ) Turn off the phone so you don't hear his text messages come in and at least aren't tempted to respond immediately, if you seriously want time and space for yourself, you CAN make it..



I have taken "time-outs" in relationships on occassion, it has always helped me gain perspective and see things with a much better point-of-view...



Relationships can develop rather quickly, especially when one person is on the "rebound', and saying "I love you" can take on less meaning than you want it to have.

My ex never ever said 'I love you' so I was very hungry to hear that in a new relationship - however when it happened, I absolutely was sure that I meant it when I responded.



Good luck, you've recieved lots of good advice, and it sounds like you have a some good ideas yourself. You'll be fine, however things work out.



(Oh, and I'm well over 40 and just recently found my "Mr. Right" - and I definitely was NOT looking...)
Tofu-N-Sprouts is offline  
#28 Old 10-03-2005, 01:44 AM
Veggie Regular
 
carrot's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 485
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tofu-N-Sprouts View Post


My ex never ever said 'I love you' so I was very hungry to hear that in a new relationship

Is that your ex husband? If so...never??
carrot is offline  
#29 Old 10-03-2005, 02:02 AM
Veggie Regular
 
carrot's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 485
Quote:
Originally Posted by *Star*Lass* View Post

So i'll see his message, then it'll go off, then i'll get a text asking why i'm ignoring him... lol



He just really really loves you. But if you don't feel the same, then it is unfair to let him think that, which is why I really admire you for telling him; there have been times in my life when maybe I should have done that.



Perhaps he is so insecure because he senses (and now, knows) that your feelings aren't as intense as his, and he is paranoid - he doesn't want to lose you. But you have to do what makes you happy, because staying in a relationship where you don't feel fulfilled is destructive, to both of you.



I hope you sort this out, good luck!
carrot is offline  
#30 Old 10-03-2005, 02:28 AM
Veggie Regular
 
TreeManEarthSteward's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Posts: 7,895
Quote:
Originally Posted by skylark View Post

Hear, hear



Here here to hear hear!! (I always thought it was "here here", lol )



Good luck starlass..... When a star drops out of the sky, you'll figure I guess.... useless as my advice maybe, it at least it has a ring to it hehe

Anyways....

plenty of other good advice in this thread... VBers have not let you down
TreeManEarthSteward is offline  
Closed Thread

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the VeggieBoards forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in


Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off