When someone doesn't love you, how do they act? - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 09-18-2005, 04:52 AM
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Let's say you're in love with someone, and have been for awhile. Let's say they just don't love you back.



How would they act? I'm just curious. As opposed to someone who DOES love you back.
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#2 Old 09-18-2005, 06:05 AM
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It depends completely on the person, it's different for everyone. There are even some people who might pretend to love the person back to spare them the humiliation.
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#3 Old 09-18-2005, 07:24 AM
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Originally Posted by Elena99 View Post

It depends completely on the person, it's different for everyone. There are even some people who might pretend to love the person back to spare them the humiliation.



I'm afraid I don't quite understand.
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#4 Old 09-18-2005, 07:29 AM
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How would a person act who doesn't love you? Hopefully they'd just come out and say it. But some people have this weird thing where they don't want to hurt your feeling so they don't say anything, however they do all sorts of things to express their non-love for you. This is called passive aggressive behavior.



They might not call you, but when you call they talk...if you ask they'll get together and hang out, but never ask to get together to hang out themselves....



These kinds of people like to avoid confrontation by being 'cowardly'. They don't seem to understand that they do more permanent damage to a person by being dishonest about their feelings.



B
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#5 Old 09-18-2005, 07:42 AM
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It really does depend on the person, but there are helpful generalisations to be made. Whenever I've had unrequited crushes on guys, most of the difference could be seen in how I acted rather than how they did. I would forever be looking for signs that they liked me back, making common politeness seem like reasons to believe they felt the same way. But they wouldn't make any effort to spend time with me or get to know me better. If they were already my friend, they'd act how they always had but I'd want to read into it more.



When a guy really likes you, he tends to want to be with you. Do most everything he can to spend time with you, call you, etc.. If he likes you a great deal usually he asks you out or at least professes his affection, even if he's naturally shy. If he is shy and pining away for you, there's really no hard and fast way to tell unless he comes out with it.
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#6 Old 09-18-2005, 08:04 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mysteriouspoet View Post

I'm afraid I don't quite understand.



Everyone's different, to put it simply. And everyone reacts differently when in love. There are clues, of course; if someone doesn't love you, they might find a reason to pull away if you touch their shoulder or hand, or they might avoid too much eye contact.
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#7 Old 09-18-2005, 11:55 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Elena99 View Post

Everyone's different, to put it simply. And everyone reacts differently when in love. There are clues, of course; if someone doesn't love you, they might find a reason to pull away if you touch their shoulder or hand, or they might avoid too much eye contact.



Okay, now I understand a bit better.



Maybe I should be asking how someone acts when they are in love rather than when they aren't, since that's more specific.
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#8 Old 09-18-2005, 12:02 PM
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MP - I think the theme of this thread is that there is no single way that everyone acts when they are either in or out of love.



What kind of love? Is it mutual? Unrequited? A person who is happy in love will generally be happy. A person who is in love and it is not returned is usually unhappy. How does a person act when they are happy? Unhappy? It varies a lot per person.
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#9 Old 09-18-2005, 12:47 PM
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Oh...Elena, I'm sorry, I'm such a ****wad!



Happy Birthday!
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#10 Old 09-18-2005, 03:25 PM
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Happy Birthday, Astarte...sorry, my brain is really not working today. lol.



Have a good birthday.
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#11 Old 09-18-2005, 05:12 PM
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i think there are two parts here, and i'll speak to them both. First, if a person cares for, is infatuated with, or feels that they are in love with someone who does not reciprocate those feelings, that person is in a place of self loathing. it is a process of believing that one is not worthy of recieving love, and so seeking love from those who do not want to give it. It is an issue of attachment--hoping for something that will never come, and using that as a mechanism of suffering rather than letting go of the illusion of the need for that person, and instead seeking out a vibrant, creative, healthy, loving relationship with someone who will recipricate.



This understanding came from my husband's experience--as he often found himself in this situation. After deep contemplation, he realized that it was a self-fulfilling prophecy of the idea or belief that he was unworthy of love or that love was difficult to achieve. he had many life-lessons in early childhood that taught him that real love was meant to be hard or unrequited, that having your needs met was selfish--and so he would get himself in these situations because he thought that was normal. once he realized that this was an active form of self-loathing, he began to engage the people and his potential love relationships differently.



i've been on the other side of this fence, being the one who was unable to return someone's affection for any number of reasons. most of my reasons were deeply personal--such as the idea that i wasn't ready for a relationship--and some of them were more vague--such as i simply wasn't attracted to the person.



for me, it was a difficult and often uncomfortable situation. Often, these people would strive to be my friend in the hopes that i would at some point 'come around' to their position and return their affections. Unfortunately, the relationship or friendship was always tainted with this weird longing from the other side--a sort of neediness that made me uncomfortable, mostly because i knew that i couldn't provide what the person wanted or needed. THis of course often upset me, because i do not like for people to suffer. But i also knew that it would be inappropriate to give in, simply to avoid their suffering--because not only would they not avoid the suffering, but i also would suffer by doing something that was n ot true to myself and my feelings.



So, i would often befriend them, but at arms length. If they could, in time, work through their feelings and engage me at the friendship level, then i would increase the amount of time i spent with them. In the beginning, it was always rather distant, just to make firm the boundaries that i needed to set--physically and emotionally.



if they couldn't work through their feelings, and if on every occassion of our relating they brought up the issue of going out, tried to be physical, or tried various methods of emotional manipulation to strive to convince me of their worthiness (which is really convincing themselves of their worthiness), then i would eventually get fed up and discontinue contact completely. Often, i would have to be very firm with people--particularly when they would call me 3 and 4 times a nite, and then ***** me out when i wouldn't call them back within the time frame that they wanted (the same nite). I had to be firm about this more than once.



So, that's basicly what i did.
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#12 Old 09-18-2005, 05:17 PM
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oh, and to be clear in light of bethanie's comments--



when a person would profess their interest in me, i would immediately profess my level of interest in them. since most of these experiences happened to me before i was ready to have relationships, i would immediately tell the person that i was not interested because i didn't feel that i was ready for that sort of relationship. I would also tell them that it would not be in their best interest to 'hang around and wait' until i was, because i may never be. I would explain how my interest is in their happiness, and as such they should seek romantic or love relationships elsewhere.



generally, people would be cool. Those who were really cool would completely take what i was saying, say thank you, and never talk to me again--or only as an aquaintance, 'hi, how are you' kind of thing. THose who were somewhat cool would say "ok, lets be friends" and for the first few weeks, try to guage whether or not i'd go out with them. Eventually they'd get the idea (after repeating many times that i wasn't ready, and that if they couldn't accept that, it would be better if we weren't friends), and we could either become friends or they'd go their own way. Those who were uncool would hound me--constantly calling, following me around, asking me to hang out with them. If i didn't talk to them when they called or call them back right away, or hang out with them when i "ran into" them, or whatever else, then they would fuss, fume, yell, or harass--and in those cases i would tell them that i didn't want to see them again because the relationship was unhealthy for both of us and it wasn't going to develop into a friendship.



I hope that clarifies. I do a lot of talking with people. I want to be clear, and i want to make sure they understand where i stand in the situation.
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#13 Old 09-18-2005, 06:09 PM
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zoebird, while your insights are interesting, they don't really have very much to do with my original post.



Sorry if that sounds rude, I'm not meaning to be. I'm just looking for answers here.



ETA: I understand now how zoebird acts when she doesn't love someone back, but, needless to say, that isn't relevant to my personal circumstances.
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#14 Old 09-18-2005, 06:45 PM
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Well MP...do you care to share with us your personal circumstances? Because if you are vague as you have been about your personal circumstances but ask a question such as this one about unrequited love....all any of us can really do is give you our personal experience with unrequited love...which is just that...personal and by it's very nature limited. If you care to share with us what you're going through, then perhaps we'd understand better and could give advice based on what you're going through...but you haven't done that. Which is fine...you don't have to, but then don't bite the hand that's just trying to be comforting.



B
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#15 Old 09-18-2005, 07:30 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bethanie View Post

Well MP...do you care to share with us your personal circumstances? Because if you are vague as you have been about your personal circumstances but ask a question such as this one about unrequited love....all any of us can really do is give you our personal experience with unrequited love...which is just that...personal and by it's very nature limited. If you care to share with us what you're going through, then perhaps we'd understand better and could give advice based on what you're going through...but you haven't done that. Which is fine...you don't have to, but then don't bite the hand that's just trying to be comforting.



B



Sorry. I didn't mean to bite. There have been helpful comments here. I'm just going to have to figure it all out on my own.



Life is so confusing.
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#16 Old 09-18-2005, 08:07 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mysteriouspoet View Post

Oh...Elena, I'm sorry, I'm such a ****wad!



Happy Birthday!



Thanks.
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#17 Old 09-19-2005, 10:05 AM
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MP:



Your original question said "lets say you love someone and they don't love you back. How would they act?"



And i answered how *i* acted when i don't love someone back. twice, in fact, in order to give you a picture of how i behave when someone 'loves me' but i don't love them back. How is that irrelevant?



Also, i wanted to give the flip side. "lets say you love some one, and they don't love you back..." i simply answered to what this means to the "you" in the sentence. How is that not relevant?



As bethanie said, the best i can do when you ask a vague question is give an answer that is based on my experience. If you want something closer to your circumstances, then you have to share some of those circumstances so that we can get a clearer picture of what you're asking for. Then, perhaps the information would be even more specifically relevant.



Also, i'm of the firm belief that many of our experiences and circumstances are largely the same with only slight variations. This is simply my experience between myself and others. We maintain similar human qualities, universal experiences, and also cultural assumptions (even across cultures). And thus, the same sorts of advice applies--even though specific application will be nuanced to serve the individual needs.
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#18 Old 09-19-2005, 12:28 PM
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Signs he has fallen out of Love. (IMO)



~Not calling when they said they would.

~Not interested in making plans/dates

~seems disinterested in making future plans with you

~Seems disinterested in touching,cuddling,looking at you

~Gets angry at the 'small stuff' as an excuse to storm out,walk out or be alone.

~Suddenly has new friends,intrests and hobbies that take him/her away from your usual time together

~Does not say 'I love you' often or it seems quick and with no emotion.

~Does not sign letters/cards with "Love"..signs with 'always' or 'Yours'

~You have to ask the question to yourself.."Does he even love me?"



May I suggest picking up the book.. "He's just not that into you" it helped me to see the signs of non-love.I also have alot of experience with a non-love partner..When you find someone who REALLY loves ~ you will know the difference.
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#19 Old 09-19-2005, 12:59 PM
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I think you have gotten some good answers re how to tell if someone loves you.



However I think it is important to remember that what is more important about a person is whether they treat you with respect or not, regardless of whether they "love" you or not.



Someone could be wildly in love with you, and treat you disrespectfully. Not a good person to be with, no matter how much they love you. Someone could not be particularly interested in being with you, just to be with you (what it means to be in love?) but treat you respectfully if there is some reason that they need to be with you. This person is better to be around than someone who loves you, no matter how much the respectful person doesn't love you, and no matter how much the in-love person, loves you.



Love is not nearly as important as knowledge of how to treat people with respect, and commitment to doing so.
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#20 Old 09-19-2005, 05:18 PM
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very distant
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#21 Old 09-19-2005, 05:56 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bumble View Post

May I suggest picking up the book.. "He's just not that into you" it helped me to see the signs of non-love.I also have alot of experience with a non-love partner..When you find someone who REALLY loves ~ you will know the difference.



I've also read this book and will attest to its quality. It's written around the premise that great, beautiful, wonderful women (such as yourself) shouldn't waste time pining for guys who are too dumb to give them the time of day.



And thank you, I had a very good birthday
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#22 Old 02-10-2007, 07:03 PM
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Unfortunately I am that person who loves someone that doesn't love me back. I am a male of 24yrs old who has been friend with a girl named Deb that I knew on and off for about 2 years. It was getting more and more difficult to hang out with Deb because I started to develop feelings for her. We went to a party on New Year's Eve and I just couldn't keep my feelings inside for her anymore. I confronted her the next day and asked her if she liked me, her reply to me was that she consider me "strictly as a friend". I was shattered, next thing I knew I was not able to communicate with her any more. No phone calls, e-mails were replied. I was falling to pieces.



The next couple of days I called repeatedly until I was able to reach Deb. She picked up the phone and told me that we won't be seeing each other for sometime until this strong feelings would subside. I agreed immediately. In my head I was thinking this is a waiting game, that I would be able to win her heart with time, patience and effort.



It took a few more attempt to contact her until I finally agreed not to communicate with her for sometime. Frankly I never been so sad in my life. This person I care so much for doesn't care about me. I didn't know what to do, I was prepared to wait for a long time. Perhaps into my 30's or perhaps when she gets old and bored and realize that my devotion is worthy of attention.



I wouldn't allow myself to forget about her. I was punishing myself. Not until I found what Bethanie said about people's attitude and what Zoe Bird said about her life decision. They were both sympathetic and straight forward reply. These views are very strong and allows me to look at reality.



I'm am unbelievably sad but at least now I know things a little bit better. I really want Deb to be a happy girl. I want her to be free of burden in life and emotion.



I still care for Debby very much. Perhaps I should take it easy on myself and find out what truly healthy relationship really is as according to Zoe Bird.



Bethanie and Zoe Bird I really appreciate you two sharing your insight and I am fortunate to have found it.



Take Care...



Truly,



Tom
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#23 Old 02-12-2007, 09:56 PM
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The OP has long been gone from VB. If you want to start a new thread to discuss your situation, be my guest.

Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1001...one to change the bulb, 1000 to say it's already been done.
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