I'm in a wierd situation. my boyfriend and I have been together for a while. We got together last january and he broke up with me right before christmas. I was absolutely devastated, and have never felt worse in my entire life than I did at that time. After a couple months I started to build myself back up and finally got kind of ok... I wouldn't cry if we happened to talk online or something. I ran into him at starbucks and walked out of the conversation completely fine, even after he hugged me. But later that night, after we hung out more, he tells me he still loves me and cares about me. I did too. So we got back together. That was in April. We're still together now, but at first it seemed like it was SO much better than it ever was before. It doesn't seem like that anymore. He hasn't said he loves me, even though we said it the first time we were together, and I haven't said it because I don't want the sort of response I might get. Lately, its more about when HE wants to hang out, and I'm always waiting for him to call me. I feel bad a lot, and I feel like he hates me and that I'm kind of just 'there' to him, to be around when hes ready for me and, for the sex. I've asked him before if it's all about sex and he's always told me no, and always told me that he DOES care about me. But he's...selfish. He really doesn't try to do anything for me. He doesn't know how unhappy I can be sometimes. Like the time last week when we went to the beach at night and we were both laying looking at the stars, I started crying pretty heavily because I thought of all the pain that I had gone through over the course of the past 1 1/2 years, when I happened to be with him. I hid it from him.
The thing is, I care about him. I don't want him to NOT be in my life. I really am having a difficult time with this, because I dont know how he'd take it IF I broke up with him. there's no way of telling if he'll be sad or if he'll just be like 'beh, ok'. I just can't imagine not being around him anymore, its like its something I'll have to get used to AGAIN. Take him back OUT of my life when I finally put him back in. But everyone tells me that I deserve so much better, he's still in love with his ex from three years ago (which devastates me and makes me wonder what was so wrong with me that he could never love me like that....and why I wasn't good enough to fill that void in him) at this point, I feel kind of like I'm USED to him and my entire life would have to change. I'm lonely, and I have a boyfriend. I can't imagine the loneliness I would feel if I DIDN'T. I want somebody by me, to hold and to cuddle and to love me. I have friends who love me and I know are there but I feel like, lame as it is, I need a special someone like that. because it's all i ever wanted, a boyfriend who will love and cuddle and treat me like the princess everyone tells me I deserve to be treated like.
basically, I dont know what to do. I'm not sure if, do I break up with him, I'd end up happier or just really depressed even though I got myself out of a sad situation. I dont know HOW to break up with him, if I can. at the end of september he leaves to northern california for three months. then I could just tell him that its not going to continue when he comes back, but it would devastate me to say that and SHOULD it hurt him I don't want him going off to have his escape time in a bad place. I dont know if I should just wait, or do something now...
on the plus side, being around my friends DOES make me feel good about myself, pretty, even. They all love me and tell me I'm beautiful and that I deserve to be treated like a princess.
Oh, and then theres the one friend who, after knowing for 6 years, I finally decided that I DO have a thing for. problem is...I dont know what would happen with THAT because hes a really nice, cool guy, but a guy that was in love with me for 5 years and I always turned him down. I think it really hurt him, and I don't know how to tell him that I don't feel like I used to feel. we walked alone together yesterday and I just wanted to jump up and wrap my arms around him.
AUGH. maybe I kind of needed a rant, I'm sorry, but if anyone has any opinions they'd like to share, I'd really appreciate it. thanks.
The thing is, I care about him. I don't want him to NOT be in my life. I really am having a difficult time with this, because I dont know how he'd take it IF I broke up with him. there's no way of telling if he'll be sad or if he'll just be like 'beh, ok'. I just can't imagine not being around him anymore, its like its something I'll have to get used to AGAIN. Take him back OUT of my life when I finally put him back in. But everyone tells me that I deserve so much better, he's still in love with his ex from three years ago (which devastates me and makes me wonder what was so wrong with me that he could never love me like that....and why I wasn't good enough to fill that void in him) at this point, I feel kind of like I'm USED to him and my entire life would have to change. I'm lonely, and I have a boyfriend. I can't imagine the loneliness I would feel if I DIDN'T. I want somebody by me, to hold and to cuddle and to love me. I have friends who love me and I know are there but I feel like, lame as it is, I need a special someone like that. because it's all i ever wanted, a boyfriend who will love and cuddle and treat me like the princess everyone tells me I deserve to be treated like.
basically, I dont know what to do. I'm not sure if, do I break up with him, I'd end up happier or just really depressed even though I got myself out of a sad situation. I dont know HOW to break up with him, if I can. at the end of september he leaves to northern california for three months. then I could just tell him that its not going to continue when he comes back, but it would devastate me to say that and SHOULD it hurt him I don't want him going off to have his escape time in a bad place. I dont know if I should just wait, or do something now...
on the plus side, being around my friends DOES make me feel good about myself, pretty, even. They all love me and tell me I'm beautiful and that I deserve to be treated like a princess.
Oh, and then theres the one friend who, after knowing for 6 years, I finally decided that I DO have a thing for. problem is...I dont know what would happen with THAT because hes a really nice, cool guy, but a guy that was in love with me for 5 years and I always turned him down. I think it really hurt him, and I don't know how to tell him that I don't feel like I used to feel. we walked alone together yesterday and I just wanted to jump up and wrap my arms around him.
AUGH. maybe I kind of needed a rant, I'm sorry, but if anyone has any opinions they'd like to share, I'd really appreciate it. thanks.